Before Turning the Gun on Himself is the eighth stand-up comedy album by Doug Stanhope, released on November 6, 2012, by Roadrunner Records. It was recorded live at The Complex in Salt Lake City, Utah.
To Salt Lake, and now please welcome Doug Stanhope. (audience cheers and applauds) Thank you! Thank you very much. Thanks. (man shouts in audience) Yeah, thanks. I just realized I didn’t turn off my cell phone, so I’m gonna just… Fuck it. Fuck it. Don’t call me. Alright. I should have started stronger than this. Ever look in the mirror in the morning and think, “that can’t be accurate.” Oh it’s–that’s off by years, and pounds, and wrinkles, and is that metric? Send that to the front desk and get that recalibrated ’cause that is not–that doesn’t even look like a head anymore. The fuck have I done to myself? (laughter) I’m good at night, don’t worry, It’s just the mornings are fucking rougher. I don’t do nearly as many drugs as I should, then I have the reputation for it, but Mitch Hedberg, you know Mitch Hedberg, right? (cheers and applause) He was a–he was a drug enthusiast. He was a drug connoisseur, and he died. Drugs killed him, but they didn’t ruin his life by any stretch. He really enjoyed–he was good at–he wasn’t someone who Faltered at it. He didn’t wake up, “and oh, shit. I should really work on myself, and I–I need to rethink this.” That guy fucking loved doing drugs the entire time he was Alive, maybe up until that last minute where he went– (gasps) That might have not been as much Fun, but still. And now his family, his Beautiful, beautiful family, and Mary and arne, and if you ever see this, don’t take it personal, but his family set up A Mitch Hedberg charity. It’s a Mitch Hedberg golf tournament to go to support a rehabilitation facility. They took everything that he was about, turned it on its ass. He hated sports. He loved drugs. And you have a fucking charity, sponsoring. It’s like if the guy who died on the luge in the Olympics had his family come out and have a charity pie-eating contest to keep kids out of sports. Stay on the couch, you get fat, kids. It was just everything he was against for everything he loved, and they did that because I guess it would have been too tasteless to have a charity event where you get–actually for a buck a shovel literally dig up his grave and turn him Upside down… And then bury it back. (audience applauds and shouts)
His parents are so sweet, and I Was very tentative about Putting that on a dvd, but it’s Such a funny–it’s just–rehab Is just such fraud. It’s just this cottage industry Of nonsense junk science, Fucking Dr. Drew Pinsky should be just–he’s like–I’ve never Done a bit about someone for– You do bits, and you fake anger, And you write a bit, you know, You have passion for it, and Then you do it too many times, And then you have to work up the anger, and I’ve never had to do that when talking about Dr. Drew Pinsky for fucking years. Just hearing his name, this bile comes out of me ’cause it’s– (audience applauds and shouts) It started–if there is a war on drugs, he is the Joseph Goebbels’ propaganda minister of lies, and it started out with just the celebrity rehab, and that was a–it’s a dumb show. But what made it important–Dr. Drew is a real doctor. That’s what you have to keep in Mind. He’s an actual–he’s not a fake Dr. Phil. He’s an actual, went to medical School, has a diploma over his Desk, real doctor spreading this Nonsense, and it started with “celebrity rehab,” which was a Guilty pleasure. It was fun to watch. They, you know, call in all These d-level celebrities. Let them shake off the dts for a couple of days with cameras in Their faces 24/7, and then they’d send them boating with Gary Busey ’cause that’s what a medical professional would tell You to do in that situation, And instead of being stripped of His credentials for this, Instead of being drug out in The street and beaten and tied Shirtless to a telephone pole out front of this place so garage bands could staple flyers to his chest to promote their upcoming gig, and then the other band would draw a dick picture On the thing, and they’d tear that off and put up a new Poster, and eventually Drew Pinsky would die the slow Bleeding death of a thousand Weeping pinhole bleeds. Instead of that happening, what happened is it gave him Credibility. People took him seriously. And that’s what makes you crazy, Is not that these buffoons exist In life, but the fact that it Was–like the Sarah Palins or the Glenn Becks or whoever where you ah–if everyone was Laughing at them, you’d go, “ah, what a–” but when they’re taking–Drew Pinsky now is the Go-to guy for any kind of celebrity, you know, any–any Heath Ledger issue, any fucking Michael Jackson, he’s the guy That the mainstream media goes To. “joining us tonight to talk About one of the coreys that Died. We don’t know which corey. No one really cares. But to discuss the tragedy, Joining us tonight, celebrity rehabilitation expert, Dr. Drew Pinsky, welcome to the show.” You know, first of all, how are You a celebrity rehabilitation expert? How do you get that designation? At what point in medical school did your professor pull you to the side? “Drew, come here a second, I wanna talk to you. Listen, I have been watching your work. I have been watching you poke around the cadavers and do what you do with the smug look on your face. Did anyone ever tell you that you have a keen eye for the rich and famous? You should really go in that direction. I think you have a natural gift to be an ambulance chaser to the stars. You fucking would step over a dozen dying winos in the street just to get to Lindsay Lohan’s bedside to offer unsolicited advice to Charlie Sheen via Twitter as a medical professional is wont to do.” Yeah, yeah, Dr. Drew Pinsky, celebrity rehabilitation expert. It’s like if I were a gynecologist, but I’ve found that I–I specialize in really young, hot… shaved… stinkless pussy. That’s where I found–I just had a knack. It was like a gift from God, just teenage Norwegian pussy is all I really work with anymore because I wanna give back. I wanna give of myself, you puddle of shit. And what they don’t show you, when they’ve–they’re treating this. Remember this is a deadly disease. Addiction is–here it comes again, watch. Ah, ah. This might look like a choice, But it’s not. This is a deadly affliction. Mmm, mmm. There’s no such thing as addiction. I mean on the most minor levels, there are–if you’re a hardcore substance abuser, there is a physical addiction where you might need a medical detox for a few days to–so you don’t seizure up and swallow your tongue. After that, it’s done. Then it’s a choice. It’s right back to a fucking choice. (shudders) whoo! and there’s no such thing as addiction. There’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life, (audience cheers and applauds) And that’s– it’s not just drugs and alcohol, fucking sex addiction, eat too much pie, but, yeah– It’s what you wanna do. And what they don’t show you in any of these shows is–what are you– what do you do with these– you have all these shows exploiting shitheads. You know, “intervention.” “intervention’s” an hour-long show and 52 minutes of it is some fucking stumblebum being followed around by a camera, shitting his pants, puking in trashcans and losing his job because that’s fun to watch. It really is. It’s easily exploitable. That’s why cigarettes–they’re far more dangerous than anything that they show, like an intervention, but you don’t see that episode. There’s not the–the cigarette, because no one wants to watch 52 minutes of a guy going… (laughter) “it’s killing me.” So they have to get the stumblebum just, you know, shitting his pants and knocking over the turkey at his aunt Nancy’s house on thanksgiving morning because you’re trying to drink her mouthwash because it’s fun to watch. But what they don’t ever show you is the cure. If these shows are supposed to be informational and educational, what the fuck do you do? What’s the cure? You show me 52 minutes of the guy fucking up and being hilarious, and then you fast forward through the intervention part ’cause no one wants to watch that. That’s just boring idiot family members reading Hallmark cards they wrote themselves. “you didn’t show up to sherry’s graduation and– ” So what do you–what happened? And the only cure they show– they show–oh yeah, and we flew him to Palo Alto, California for a rehab, and he hasn’t drank since 2007. Well, what did you do there?! That might be a good focal point of the show, is the cure for this deadly disease! What is the cure, Dr. Drew? Tell me what you’re gonna do with Charlie Sheen if you get him. How do you fucking cure these people? All you do is show me, you know, boating with Gary Busey. What’s the cure? “Well, we get them involved in A–we put him in a rehab.” Well, what do you do in the rehab? “well, it’s a–it’s a treatment.” Well, what is the fucking treatment? “Well, we get them involved in a program.” Stop with the buzz words and tell me what exactly is the cure! “Oh, the cure specifically is– (coughs) uh, God.” What? What? “Yes… (coughs) God.” That’s what you do? That’s all I do. All these rehabs, all they do is funnel you into a 12-step program, AA and the like, and any 12-step program is a God-based program. It’s like seven of the 12 steps are about God and giving your life to God. You’re a fucking medical doctor with a diploma over your desk. You treat one thing and one thing only, and the only cure you have for it is God? Even your religious friends do not wanna hear about God during a medical diagnosis. It’s the last word you ever wanna hear from a doctor. “You know, doc, my fucking lymph nodes are swollen out of my neck. I look like a bullfrog. I’m shitting blood with clumps in it. I can’t keep food down.” “Ooh, sounds like someone needs a higher power.” (audience cheers and applauds) “Can’t we do some blood work first, series of antibiotics, get a cat scan?” “No, get on your knees and pray, faggot.” You’re a doctor? “Yeah, I’m on TV, too.” (laughter)
AA makes Scientology look Credible. It’s–it’s at least– Scientology or any fucking Mormons or Christians or Muslims, at least the major cult Religions have a consistent Dogma where AA is so splatter Shot and made up on the fly. AA tells you to make up your own God if you don’t already have a God. The big book of AA–I grew up In AA, and I believed all this Shit was true. My mother was in AA, so as a kid Doing homework in the back of Meetings listening to this shit. There’s a chapter to the Agnostic in the big book, their Bible, and you’d go oh, oh Chapter to the agnostic, this Will teach you how to use this Program as a reasonable grown-up Adult human being. No, they don’t do that. No, the chapter to the agnostic Tells you how to stop being Agnostic and start believing in A little bit of god, you Stubborn little fella. You gotta believe in him. And it tells you if you don’t Already have a god, make up your Own, and you go, “I’m a drunk. I can’t even make up a good Excuse for why I pissed in the Sock drawer last night.” This is probably– (audience cheers and applauds) Probably–probably not a good Time for me to be creating Omnipotent deities that I will Lay my life down before for the Rest. you’re our god, Doug. me a god, yes, yes, and you Are my fucking Satan. First step of aa, you have to Admit that you’re powerless over Alcohol and that your life has Become unmanageable, and then They go onto the next step Which you have to turn your life And your will over to a power Higher than yourself. And you go, “I was a Freethinking atheist coming Into this bullshit, but since I Went along with you on that First step on a goof where I’m Powerless over alcohol, I guess Then by default, alcohol would Have to be my only higher power, So… (audience cheers and applauds) I’ll go with the–I’ll go with Vodka, I guess. If I am to be a monotheist and Pick just one, I will go with Vodka. It’s a good all occasions. It mixes well in the morning With a nice citrus beverage. Makes a good Christmas drink With neighbor dave and evil e. The people say, well, what’s– You know, what’s the big deal?” And by people, I mean all you shitheads on my Facebook page That every time I say something Anti-AA or pro-Charlie Sheen Or anti dr. Drew– “Stanhope, I’m normally with you On, you know, most of everything You say, but you really–you’re Off the–off the mark on this. Drug abuse is a really serious Problem. It’s a serious issue. So what’s the problem if someone Has to believe in a higher power To get them through?” That’s not the problem! The problem is when a medical Professional who is on every Goddamn night on the fucking News is telling you, you have a Disease that’s not a disease, And he’s telling you the cure is a god that doesn’t exist. It’s a big fucking problem. What’s your problem? What’s your problem? So what? It’s a problem. It’s a problem of the earth. I got bladder cancer and you’re Applying leeches instead of Doing research. (laughter) It’s a huge problem.
I have comics that will call me Up because of the economy, like, “dude, how you doing on the Road out there? You getting beat up? Like, how–” You go like, I drink as much As I ever drank, yeah. I feel like shit physically, but I’m not like–I’m not in agony But I feel lethargic for years, Or decade maybe. It’s just my piss stinks. That’s not normal. I was in fucking anchorage for a Summer solstice at Becker’s House, outside I’m pissing on a Pine tree, and they’re having a Barbecue. I’m like 20 yards away pissing on a pine tree, and my buddy Billy, bad fireman says, “dude, is that your piss?” You could smell my piss? He’s like, “god damn it, what’s wrong with you?” I don’t–I don’t know. I don’t know. My kidneys are fucking defective? I don’t know. Taking a leak on a tree in the Great wilderness of Alaska should not be a “who farted?” situation. So maybe–yeah, maybe I’m Getting beat up, like, my Internal organs. I shit. I shit a lot during the day, but I always–I mean like ten times, But not a lot of product. They’re just like clumps, and It comes out in a consistency. If it’s not just sheer liquid, It’s like thick mud. Do you ever see history channel, And you’re watching like g.I.’s In world war ii trying to push a Jeep out of deep mud and it’s Just that like packed–it’s like Soft-serve ice cream. It comes out like that, but not A lot at a time. It’s just–it’s almost like a– And I don’t know if my organs Are just–I’m way too fat in the Middle to–for as little as I Eat. I just–it’s just in the middle Part is always bloated, so I Don’t know if my organs from all The drinking, or the liver and Kidneys are swelling up and Pushing against the Gastrointestinal tract and Making it hard for the shit to Get–like shit has to push its Way through like a–like an Offensive line, a fourth and one, it’s just–so you gotta– You don’t have to get the whole Football over the line, just get A piece over the line and we– Touchdown. And then my friend the comic on The other line will say, “no, I meant beat up like ticket sales. How does–how is–like the Economy is all in the rubbish and–” Oh, sorry about that whole Soliloquy about my chewing- Tobacco loads of dumps that I Take. Yeah, tickets are fine. If you wanna feel bad for Someone in a down-turned Economy, I’ll give you someone. Prostitutes, because a Prostitute doesn’t have that Same worst-case scenario b-plan That we all enjoy. No matter how shitty things are Going for you on the job. “Danny, if they lay off any more People, I’m gonna be out on the Street sucking dicks for a living. I got nothing else. I’m serious.” Hooker doesn’t have that same Safety net. Hookers are already out there Sucking dicks. Here is a hooker jugging a cock, A fucking sour-milk-smelling Cock behind a dumpster right now And she’s staring up at your Office building thinking, “they Lay off any more people, more People gonna be out here sucking Dicks, it’s gonna be a buyer’s Market. More people out here sucking Dicks. I’m gonna have to start doing Anal just to compete in the Marketplace. Woman my age shouldn’t have to Do anal. I ain’t built right for it no More. I gotta do exercises in the Morning. I do squat thrusts, trying to Strengthen up my shit pussy in Case this whole thing goes Bust. I’m doing ass kegels every Morning. You can’t afford to get all Loosey-goosey down in your ass Pussy, not in this economy. If you get baggy in your shit Pussy, you’d be tonguing ass for A living. That ain’t proper work for no Human being. If you tongue ass, you gotta get Up early, sugar. Set your alarm clock and get Down to construction site before The boys in the orange vests Show up and wait for them. Take all the toilet paper out, Wait for them to take that Gravely good morning and Starbucks shit. You hear them scratching around On the fiberglass. You go, ‘there ain’t no toilet Paper in there, sugarplum, but I’ll clean you out real good for 25 dollars.’ That ain’t no way for a Human being to make a living. You call that getting the blood Diamond. Get in here and get the blood Diamond. Where amnesty international Now? If you do anal, you gotta watch Your diet. Can’t–can’t eat no more gummy Bears, no more licorice whips. Can’t swallow your gum. No more canned cheese. Gotta eat triscuit wafers, get Fiber in your diet. You gotta keep regular, Princess. If you’re gonna have regular clientele, you gotta be regular in your ass pussy. You can’t get baggy in your shit Pussy in a bad economy.
This whole motherfucking economy built on a house of cards. First of all, you gotta get this Shit, get that federal reserve Back on a gold standard. What the fuck is that? We got government printing off Fiat currency. You’re building a whole Motherfucking house of cards. It’s a charade fiat currency. The consumer gotta understand That the currency only have as Much value as the consumer Have faith in the currency, you Gotta back that shit up with Precious metal, buttface. Fuck Keynesian economic Philosophy. That’s what I’m saying to you, Angela. Fuck Keynes and his philosophy. Dig up that dead jew Milton Friedman. He’s a Nobel peace prize winner, motherfucking economic major. You dig up that dead jew. Ask Milton Friedman, dead jew corpse, what he thinks about the current economic crisis, and he Would tell you, ‘you better Strengthen up your shit pussy, Baby, ’cause this whole economy Is going down.’ Sometimes I carry a little baby Carrot in my asshole when I walk The street, and I just suckle on That motherfucker.” (laughter) Don’t you like how I made that Urban hooker real smart at the End? She was a fucking–she was Saying shit I don’t even Understand.
I need a fucking black cock. I need a–is there a–is there Any black cock in here? Hey, can we do that when we edit This out? When we edit this, just like Don’t even use this audience, Just smash cut to the, like a Martin Lawrence show audience, It’s just all-black people just Laughing hysterically at me? ’cause that looks so much Cooler, and people would be, “I Don’t know he was like– I guess he’s a big, like, urban Act, this doug stanhope.” But I need a picture of a black Cock, if you have a–if there’s Black cock in here and you want A model after this show. I mean–this is–wasn’t even a Bit when I first started asking. It was a serious– I need a picture of me with a Fat black cock just slapped Across my open mouth, sideways, Like, ahhh. Like a fucking bratwurst, A at packer tailgating– Ahhh! It doesn’t have to be giant. It’s just sizeable. It has to be photogenic Veiny black cock. Your face doesn’t have to be in It. Just–we can crop that out. Just me, ahhh. I have a picture I keep in my Wallet of my father’s corpse. My father died in 2001. He was just a fat nice guy. He died at 73. He had colon cancer. It had just fucking tore him Apart. He was a fat nice guy. He was always nice, and he made Blueberry pancakes, and he Didn’t have opinions, he just Smiled, and he’s fat, and then, He was down to like 78 pounds, And I have a picture of me Kissing him on the forehead, Moments after he died. I’m all full of fucking tears. And I keep that picture in my Wallet to show people who show Me baby pictures. (laughter and applause) “oh, you see. Did you know I had a baby? Look at this.” You go, “oh, you had a baby. Well, this is–this is how that Ends. This is what–this is what you Made. That’s what you made. Did you consider that before you Had that hubris to fucking just Create people without their Consent? Because that’s gonna be your Corpse one day, and that’ll be Your crying child not Understanding why someone who’s Done nothing but be really nice To people has to be fucking Raped to death with shit cancer By nature like that, and then it Will be your baby’s corpse with A gray death mask, and when you Touch their cheeks, all the cold Drool that’s built up in their Open mouth spills onto your Hand. Do you want a copy?” And that’s why–that’s why I Want the black cock photo to go As a companion piece. Ahhh.
Because I use the word “faggot” Very liberally and I never Attach sexuality to it. It’s just a fun word of Weakness, and it’s happy. I love homosexuality. I promote it. You fuck and you don’t leave Fucking garbage on the earth Because of it. You know, fucking nothing. I don’t have to look at pictures Of the results. Yeah, fucking homosexuality. I fucking–I support Wholeheartedly, and I use the Word “nigger” when nigger’s the Appropriate word, like, or if I’m just quoting Mel Gibson. I’m not gonna say, “oh, and then He said I hope you get raped by A pack of n-words.” No, it’s fucking nigger. It’s a sound you can make with Your mouth and fucking get over It. If you’re offended by any word In any language, it’s probably Because your parents were unfit To raise a child. They were too stupid. They should have been neutered Because all it is a sound you Can make with your mouth that You shouldn’t be–it’s not a Weakness that you have Naturally. When you come out of that pink Ugly hole onto this planet, You’re nothing but a gooey Shrieking wrinkled ball of Weakness. That’s all you are. You’re just weak. You’re nothing but weak, and Your parents look at that, and They think not weak enough. We can make this thing even Weaker by training it Pavlovian To react poorly to different Sounds that you can make with Your mouth. We’ll list them up. This is the worst thing. If anyone ever says this sound, Blah la, la la la, That’s the worst thing they can Call you, so make sure to recoil And cry and be hurt and Devastated and eat ice cream on A couch for days and then write A song about it. You wouldn’t do that otherwise. You’d just be happier if your Parents didn’t fuck it up with Their stupid–you’d just be a Happier person. I could just walk right up to You and go, “hey, cunt,” and You’d go, “no, I’m Rebeca, But I guess I have a face that Looks like a lot of different People. What’s your name? Welcome to Salt Lake.” But your parents ruined that, And that’s a–I just need a Fucking picture of the fucking Giant black cock and me just Feasting on it with fucking Magic in my eyes. Ahhh. That way people get upset. You know, if you say faggot, and You say it’s just a sound, but You know what? If you grew up with an Alternative lifestyle like I Did, and you were taunted on a Schoolyard, and you go, “hang On, sugarplum, look right here, Just look at that picture. You relaxed now?” Ah… See? Can I just– Because I don’t care. “nigger” is just, yo, you think That’s–you’re edgy to throw That around, and you know, but You don’t–the history of Hatred with that word, you go, “hang on, look right here. Look, do you know what black Cock tastes like? Then why don’t you study your Roots a little bit more like I Did? And in the meantime, back off.” Who is the faggot nigger now, Huh? Who is the faggot nigger now? (crowd whistles and applauds)
Have you ever considered Registering as a sex offender Just so you have a legitimate excuse for why your friends can’t bring their stupid children over to your house? That’s all it would take. That’s all it would take. I never thought–oh wait, that’s So easy. I’d just put myself on a web Site somewhere. And then your friend calls up, “yeah, you’re having a Monday Night football party, shit, Yeah, I wanna come. I got custody this week though. You don’t mind if I bring jimmy Junior and the baby, do you?” You go, “oh, yeah, Jim, I’d love to see the kids. You know they’re a treasure at Every party, but, uh, I had an Incident years back, and now I’m on a watchdog site, so why don’t you just leave those kids locked In a hot car and you bring beer Like anyone else would do at a party?” Who thinks that’s okay? “plus I’m a huge saints fan, and I might fuck the shit out of your kids if they’re ahead at Half-time because I’m real superstitious, so, yeah, you bring cold beer like anyone else Would do.”
Because we moved to a small town In Arizona. We live in a town–Bisbee, Arizona. It’s a beautiful little town, 6,000 people on the Mexican Border. It’s far away from anything And anyone, but you have to, Like, be polite to people. It’s not like here, “fuck you Faggots,” and I run out the Backdoor, and I don’t come back For two years and– And people do, they’ll just Bring their children to a party. They don’t even ask. Like who would think that’s okay To bring kids? It’s like you’ve invited me to Your wedding, and I go, “just Brought chickens with me. I got a pen full of chickens. I won’t even ask. I’ll just bring them and assume That’s okay. “I brought my chickens. Yeah, congratulations. Yeah, they squawk and peck and– But they won’t hurt anyone They’ll just fucking bring this Whole shindig down.” So you try to be polite, Passive-aggressive, “oh yeah, You you might not wanna bring Your kids to this party. There’ a lot of my comic friends Are gonna be here. It gets out of control. And then they’d think you’re Worried about their kids. No, I’m worried about my party, Asshole. “oh, come on, don’t worry about The kids. They’ve heard every word in the Book.” Yeah, except for fuck off, they Haven’t heard those words often Enough ’cause it’s a party, man. “put them in a corner, they’ll Entertain themselves.” Yeah, while they irritate Everybody else. It’s partying. My friends are doing fucking Rails of prescription drugs They’ve chopped up, crush a Giant line of adderall, and they Snort it off a coffee table and Get to the end, and then your Fucking pie-faced kids playing With a goddamn choo-choo train. “ah! Oh! Ah! I wanna go home.” It’s a buzz kill. It’s horrific. That’s the only drugs to do in Bisbee. It’s kind of a dry town. Drugs come through Bisbee, That’s what’s fucked up. We’re on the Mexican border Where they have border patrol, National guard, minutemen, Militias, trying to stop the Flow of aliens and drugs coming Through, but all those drugs are coming through, they don’t stop. I’d lived there six years. It’s the driest place I’ve ever Seen. So I can–there’s no weed if You–I don’t smoke it, Occasionally, but there’s blow That’s torn apart and stepped On. It’s like a 3-2-blow. Hey, little local, gotcha, huh? A little local gotcha. Hey, I’m so clever. Here’s a big night in Bisbee. Sometimes I’ll take two Xanax And two laxatives at bedtime, And I’ll play chicken in my sleep. That’s a thrill ride. That’s a hometown thrill ride Because it’s kind of like three Highs at once, because it starts Out as a downer, turns into Gambling… Wakes up as a huge amphetamine, Like, “oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.” You do that on the road, it’s Not really a risk ’cause that’s Not really your bed. But you do that at the house in Your own tempur-pedic, you wake Up with a jolt. “ah, oh, oh, oh, oh.” Won again, I won again. Double or nothing? Sometimes in Bisbee, I’ll take two Xanax and two laxatives, and I’ll play chicken in my sleep. I’ll play chicken in my sleep. I’ll play chicken in my sleep. I’ll take two ex-lax, two Xanax, play chicken in my sleep. I’ll play chicken in my sleep. I’ll play chicken in my sleep. I’m just trying to point out to You how lazy songwriters are. You overrated, do-nothing, Over-celebrated, lazy Motherfucker. You have three minutes to fill a Song, and you sing the same shit Over and over and over. I have to do an hour and 10 Minutes up here, every word has To be different. They all have to go in one Direction. They can’t be open to Interpretation because they Don’t make sense, and they’re Kooky. Yes, and I get dick, you get fucking Grammy awards, and Accolades, and pussy, and I Get–I get a hot shot of Jagermeister for my trouble. You got three minutes. Yes, sally has to slow the Mustang down, I understand that. What’s the rest of the story? You already said it once. It’s a chorus. No, it’s sloth. Write a fucking song.
I’ve–I’ve grown such a palpable distaste or distrust of artists. Artists–and keep in mind, when I say I don’t like artists, Remember I–anything that I Don’t understand or can’t do is stupid… (audience cheers) Whatever it is. Roller skating, faggy, it’s because I can’t barely stand up On shoes, much less skates. Yeah, everything–so art is Stupid to me anyway ’cause I don’t–but artists, we–we Live in an artist community. I’ve found that artists can generally be as self-righteous And humorless and intolerant as Even the fucking religious Right. They can be a huge bucket of cunts. They’re fucking awful– “no, that’s not– ” And that’s why we moved to Bisbee, it’s an artist community. I had to get the fuck out of L.A. I have been to this town a bunch Of times. It’s a cool beautiful little Town, and I’d go, “oh, and it’s An artist community.” I’m an impulse buy kind of guy, “so alright, let’s just go,” and We moved there, like yeah, Bought a house, no turning back. It turns out my art doesn’t Really fit in the whole cog and Gears of an artist community. I don’t–I’m an artist, too, and It’ll be fun, and we’ll live with other kind of artsy– “no, not you.” If you can imagine an arts Fair, and then imagine my booth. So–so it doesn’t–doesn’t Really kind of mesh, and you try To like “oh, you’re an artist Too? I just moved into town. What–what kind of art? Oh, you make turquoise belt Buckles. Oh, I’m an artist as well. Maybe we can hang out. Right now I’m working on a piece About how a lot of the corpses from that Japanese tsunami that got swept out to sea when they washed up days and weeks later, they kind of looked Korean, which is weird because that’s basically the major difference between, and I think that Asian women are the most beautiful women on the planet. Pound for pound, per capita, Asian women are the most beautiful, except for the ugly ones, they’re just– Oh, but they are more pretty per Person, and that–and that’s the Major difference between the Japanese and the Korean is that The Japanese have more of an Angular feature where the Korean Has a more like a swollen boxy Bucket head like it’s soaked in Saltwater for a long time, but still beautiful, beautiful Nonetheless. I think they’re–and I’m not sexualizing them either. When I say that Asian women are beautiful, it’s not a sexual thing. I’m not being degrading. I find them sexually repulsive because I–I don’t like that Whole subservient, ah-ha-ha-ha. Have you ever seen Japanese shit porn where they, Ah-ha-ha-ha? You know, the picture with the girl upside down in the tub with the geyser of shit coming out. I don’t know. I don’t know how much time you spend on the internet. Not trying to be an internet snob. Don’t like them. I’ll fucking occasionally find a Picture like that and send it out on the fucking news feeds, On the twitters, and all that, And then people will go, “that’s Like 2005.” You go, it’s the fucking Internet, faggot. It’s like 8 billion channels. Don’t act like it’s 1983, and I Just found Mork & Mindy. Alright? Yeah, it’s fucking the internet. But yeah, the Asian women, not Sexualizing them, they’re gross. I like more of a German Dominatrix-y, like mean–you Fucking tongue out my fucking Unwashed ass, you fucking fat Faggot, not ha-ha-ha. I’m not degrading Japanese women By it. I’m not sexualizing them. I’m saying they have gungy Cunts, too. That’s another thing. If you look like– High-definition ruined a lot of Things that I used to hold Sacrosanct in pornography, and a Japanese vagina is one of them Because, yeah, with that kind Of clarity, it’s a–it tends to Be like jaundiced around the Edges. You know how overweight people’s Inner thighs get when they rub Together, they become Discolored. A Japanese vagina is a really Gungy looking, and the hair– It’s not a–you know, not too Much hair, but the hair that’s There is always matted. When you have the perfect Porcelain skin of a china doll, That’s no place for the random Black wiry ass hair of a rodent. It’s just–it just sticks out Like a bed spring. So I’m not sexualizing them. I’m saying they’re beautiful as People like art. They’re beautiful like art. And I’m working on an art piece About how maybe that’s how the Korean culture started is Japanese people swimming away From an evil emperor across the Sea of japan and then drowning Right close to the shores of Korea and then becoming Korea, Which doesn’t make sense because Dead people can’t procreate, but That’s why I’m talking to you as An artist, maybe we can help Each other. I’ll talk to you about your belt Buckles, throw in–spitball Some ideas, maybe put a third Piece of turquoise on the belt Buckle, make it a triangle. It’ll kind of look like the State of Texas. You could probably sell more in This area, and you might say to Me, “hey, tone down on the gungy Cunts of the jap–japaniards,” And together we could become Better artists, but instead of That, they just stare at me Blankly and never call back. (laughter and applause)
So it’s–it’s– It’s a trying place, the artist community, but we have a big Fence. Again, I am gonna put that in There for later for continuity Reasons. Artists who say that they’re Artists are usually people who Need a job. Like if you ask, what do you do? And they say, “I’m an artist,” Rather than just say what the Fuck they do, it’s because they Do an art no one really wants to See, and it’s kind of a–it’s a Shit bag trick because it forces You to act like you’re Interested. If I say, what do you do? It’s because I’m in a pinch, I Have nothing else to say. What do you do? Now you say I’m an artist which Forces me, puts the onus on me To act like I’m interested in Art by saying, “oh really? What type of art?” Which is invariably something no One wants to see. Oh I’m a playwright. Oh yeah, that needs to be done Over and over again. You know we have movies now. They took the place of plays. They’re not two separate things. We’ve made movies ’cause plays Suck and we could make movies All of a sudden, ’cause a play Is an awkward thing to watch. Have you ever seen a play? Is there anything more Embarrassing and fucking filthy To sit through? I don’t like any form of live Entertainment where there is a Fourth wall, where you pay $150 For a front row Broadway tickets, and I have some asshole Who pretends you’re not here, While I pretend to drive a Motorboat or I fence with a guy. That’s rude. whoo! I’m– “we’re belly dancers.” Oh, good. Yeah, well, how does that work Again, the belly dancing? Oh, when we took titty dancing, Removed all the fun and Sexuality, and replaced it with Jangly clangy things that scare The shit out of your dogs. We’re belly dancers.” No, you’re fat girls. Put on a robe, alright? Come on. I don’t have anything near a 6-pack myself, but I’m not gonna Throw wind chimes on a beer gut And call it free expression. Artist communities love to Bullshit each other and Glad-hand one another, and There’s no room for the fucking Crippling honesty of comedy. “I’m a painter.” Well, you don’t probably need to do that. At some point, yeah, you had to paint to–yeah, cavemen did That because they didn’t have a Word for a fucking “arrow” and “deer.” If you’re painting something That doesn’t exist, I understand That. I can appreciate, like, Salvador Dali shit, like melting clocks. I’m a tripper. I don’t see melting clocks a Lot. That’s something I can stare at. But if you’re painting–oh it’s a barnyard seen in autumn. Well, then just take a picture Of a barn in autumn. It’s way better than a Painting. “well, you just don’t appreciate It because you’re shallow.” You have to look at all the Detail that the artist put into Every tiny brushstroke. Well, look at the detail in 9 Billion megapixels on a fucking Camera. Someone worked their ass off to Make that fucking computer chip, Some woman in Hong Kong with a diamond glass trying to put a Chip together with all those Megapixels, she’s as much of an Artist as you. She doesn’t get a gallery Showing every Friday and get to Grow out her armpit hair without Explanation. What about her? What about her? (audience cheers and applauds) I really don’t like art with a message unless the message is crystal clear. It doesn’t–if you have a Message that really needs to be Said, just fucking say it. Don’t hide it in indecipherable Lyrics, fucking sculpture. It’s a play, and there’s Subtext. Fucking say it ’cause the people Who need to hear messages are Dumb as shit. The masses of humanity are dumb As shit, and you’re really just Pandering to your friends. Say what the fuck you mean. Just say it, title the song, Eat more leafy greens. Yeah, give a hoot, don’t Pollute. It’s as much message in art Combined ’cause I get that. It’s a poem, but I’m pretty sure You’re saying don’t pollute. But if you have something– “ooh I have the cure for cancer, And I have hidden it in this Rubik’s cube.” Just fucking say it. Art with a message.
’cause I don’t care anymore. Like I used to have some type of Social relevance in my act, and There was a point where I–I Really gave a shit about stuff To a–to a point where it was Ruining my life. And I guess like 10 years ago I Thought well, yeah, you know, I’m gonna – I’m gonna change the World. I’m gonna talk about stuff. In 20 years of comedy, I’ve Probably had a dozen good points That I reflect on and go, That was actually a really Fucking good piece, and it Really–it had a point that Made sense, but the whole Changing the world thing never Really kicked in. The revolution I was starting Where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night And change the world, yeah, it Didn’t–didn’t quite happen, Like Egypt and Syria. Yeah. And it’s–it’s frustrating, Because you do a bit, and then You’d go, “oh, that’s fucking Really good, and then it just– The problem is still there. And someone will say, “oh, Abortion’s back in the news.” And you go, “why? I already solved that on a 2004 Release. How can it possibly still exist? I’ve yelled at thousands of drunk people about that. Maybe I’ll rewrite it and Repackage it.” It gets frustrating as shit Where you’re like I don’t care. Fuck it. Fuck everyone. It’s just frustrating as if you live in a world full of starving People where occasionally you Could point out food that no one else seemed to notice, for a Living, where you go on stage And you’d go, “did you ever Notice there’s a plate of Nachos right over there?” And people would go, “oh, he’s So right, there is a plate of Nachos. I never noticed that.” But instead of eating them, They shove them up their noses And assholes for entertainment Value and get no nutrition out Of it even though they’re fucking starving to death. And it’s not just the audience Or the world, even my own social Circle, people who fucking– “Doug, you know, what you said About gay marriage, that was Right on the money. Marriage itself is an antiquated Institution. It has no place in a progressive Society. It has nothing that anyone needs To do. I’m still getting married on Saturday though ’cause Janice Doesn’t really–yeah, she Doesn’t get your act. She doesn’t think you’re funny, So we’re getting married, but It’s a really good point though. And what you said–that one Thing you said, overpopulation. You’re right, Doug. You’re not really funny anymore, But you’re right. What you said about Overpopulation, most of the World’s problems are based on Overpopulation. There’s just too many god damn People. We’re still gonna have the baby ’cause Janice’s biological clock Is ticking, and plus we live in A gated community. It’s not really overpopulation If you’re gonna afford to send It to a Montessori school is My take, but it’s right– What you’re doing is a good Thing, and you should keep doing It, and don’t die on us. What you said about drugs, You’re right on the money, Doug. Drugs, I never thought of it Like that. It’s a private property issue. All drugs should be legal ’cause Your body is your own private Property. You own your own meat. If you own nothing else in the World, you own the fucking meat That’s packing your bones. Yeah, so all the drugs – yeah, It doesn’t matter what it is. Drugs, to fucking, just put a Needle in your arm, tattoo Yourself, pierce yourself, Fucking eat cheese sandwiches, Throw cheese sandwiches down Your top hatch till you’re so Fat you have to pay for two Seats on southwest airlines. That’s your prerogative ’cause You own your own meat. Do whatever you want to it. Drink yourself silly. You find something living Rent free in your uterus, evict That motherfucker. This is private property. There’s no squatter’s rights. Pay rent or quit. That’s a good point, Doug. Drugs should be your own Prerogative, whatever it is, Huffing a gassy rag, that’s What you wanna do, except for Heroin ’cause that’s what killed Hedberg. That’s what we really need the Federal government to come in And stop this, and I can’t Understand why I’m so fucking Thirsty all the time. I’m–you’re so right. You’re so right. I just don’t listen. I just don’t listen.” (audience cheers and applauds)
So I just don’t give a shit Anymore. That’s what I do for a living. I try to write more fist-fuck Jokes and enjoy myself more. It doesn’t matter. We ain’t winning shit. I got on–I get to a point Where, like, my act was making My entire life miserable where It’s just–and it’s still not Good, but it’s–I just hate Everything and fuck it, it’s so Dumb. Doesn’t anyone see how dumb this Is? Like some people go, “isn’t The world a crazy place?” And they’re fine with that. And I’m like, “this is fucked Up. This is really fucked up. We’re like dark ages people, and I’m not even smart. And that’s the most terrifying Part when you realize I’m not Even a bright person, but I’m Still probably in the top 3% Of the smartest people on this Planet, and I’m pretty Fucking dumb. And you go, “how alone are we?” And then you go, “I don’t give A shit.” At one point, you go, “44.” I’m way closer to dead than I Am life of the party, and I don’t have children, so why am I getting so enraged about all this nonsense? I don’t care. I don’t care getting all upset About the fucking planet. I’m gone pretty soon. I left no litter behind. That’s your problem. I’m treating this planet like The fucking rental car that it Is, and I’m turning it in Trashed with a bumper hanging Off, fuck your insurance, fuck The environment, I didn’t ask to Be here. (audience cheers and applauds) Someone created me. Yes, I know that’s a selfish Thing. It’s a selfish thing. But you know what? I’ve cared about other stuff, And, yeah, me not caring about Stuff, well, affect it as much As me caring about stuff, which Is none.
I just wanna close strong. I wanna–I wanna have a great closer. As a comic, I want to have a Great closing bit. I want to have a great closing Bit for my career. Once I find that bit, I can stop Yelling about stuff and slink Off. I don’t care if I have to Fucking whatever for a living. we love you anyway. who do we got to kill? who do you have to kill? No. The closer, the closing bit– Last year at sea world, a killer whale leapt out of the tank And grabbed its trainer by the Head and pulled her underwater, And ate her at the end of a live Performance. I don’t know that it was the scheduled end of the show, But on that night they decided to close on it. It leapt up, grabbed her ponytail, pulled her underwater, and chewed on her for quite some time. ’cause it’s a fucking killer whale. You can’t give it the hook like It’s vaudeville, like, na na na na-na wa No. They had to let it go. And I read that story with such palpable envy ’cause that’s everything I want to bring to stage. That story–like, if I could find some parallel closing bit, I would never do comedy again ’cause that’s everything I wanna present to an audience is it’s inherently hilarious, but it’s got a sense of horror, and it’s just a horrifying–but it – There’s an unmistakable message and justice within because First of all, you’re not a killer whale trainer. You didn’t call yourself and dress up in the spandex like a killer whale. You’re not a killer whale trainer because from my limited knowledge of marine biology, killer whales come out previously trained. They’re already perfect killer whales unless you’re trying to train them to do backflips for fucking sardines and to dance on their tails which they don’t do naturally. You’re training them to be fucking circus monkeys and–by withholding a food source. You’re not a trainer. You’re a fuck-with-er. You fuck with killer whales. That’s what you do. You take away their food until they do unnatural acts and then you call yourself a– you can say, “oh, no, she did a lot of hard work, and the research they did because of the Sea world. She could follow their mating habits and help them proliferate in the wild when they’re a dwindling species,” and you go, “yeah, you could do that regardless without making them dance on their tails ’cause they’re starving for a fucking fish. You could’ve done it without fucking with them. So don’t tell me they did a lot of good work ’cause you could have done that without the–fuck with them. That’s like if I went to Somalia right now, worst drought in 60 Years, I picked up a dozen kids that were starving to death and brought them over here to help them. But first, I paraded them out on stage for a matinee show and drug a wiener on a string till they jumped through a series of burning hoops, and then at the end I made them present and stand and jump on their tippy toes to get the hotdog, and they go– ta-da you wouldn’t call me a trainer. You’d call me an asshole, and you would clap and applaud wildly when they turned on me And ate my head in front of the Fucking sold-out show. (audience cheers and applauds) And that’s everything I’m Jealous of. When I find that in the closing Bit ’cause that’s a serious Closer. That’s a closer because anyone Who was at that live performance Will never be able to enjoy live Entertainment again. Nothing will ever top what they Saw, and no one can ever top Their story. I was at Monterrey when fucking Hendrix lit his guitar on fire, And he was on acid, and I was on acid, and everyone was on acid, And ahh! Oh, yeah? Yeah. I was at– (chuckles) I was at sea world. I was at sea world last February Where I watched a killer whale Chew on its trainer’s head in Front of a glass, in front of screaming children with their Parents trying to cover their Eyes, recoiling in horror, Heading for the exits, but still Having to stop and watch for over 35 minutes. So yeah, no, I don’t wanna go See your friend Danny play Flamenco guitar at the vip Lounge. I gotta go. I’ll be–I’ll be back. (audience cheers and applauds) I shall return. Thanks, have a good night. What, the bottle? Yeah, no, I’ll do that. I’m gonna drink–the lady Bought me the beer, and then the Other lady said, “I’m gonna Drink it. I’m gonna drink some and then I’ll get a bottle, how’s That? (in high-pitched voice) Don’t wait to get drinks. She’ll just get chattier if I Don’t…Here, have this drink. (laughter) It’s easier than fucking you. I’m just saying. I ought to be offended by That. you should be offended by That? yes. no, I said you weren’t easy To fuck, which you should be Offended by ’cause fucking Should be something that comes Easy. Fucking is not something you Should build your life around. Easier than giving you the Disease by fucking you– what makes you think– my girlfriend is retarded, But she could explain this joke to you.