Recorded May 2–3, 1986, at the Beverly Theater in Los Angeles
It started out like any other night. I was feeling good. I’d just put in a long days work and I was really sure about this. It felt tight, no loopholes but I wasn’t about to get cocky. I’d been down this road before. Hey where’s Billy? Uh, Mexico. Yeah, he went on vacation and asked me to fill in for him while he was away, yeah. So you’re the great Mike Holder huh? I know a lot about you. What are you working on something new there? Kind of nosy ain’t ya? I’m sorry. That will be ninety cents Mr. Holder. There was something fishy about that guy. Where was Billy? He couldn’t afford Mexico. Wrong sandwich. And wrong herb tea. And my carob snack was all crumbly. Something was definitely wrong. Good evening Mr. Holder. Billy, I thought you were in Mexico. Me xico? You better get out of here kid. Golly, what’s wrong Mr. Holder? I think there’s going to be trouble. Be careful. Yeah I know. You take care now. See ya later. Just stay home. I knew there was something fishy. Who was that delivery guy anyway? What could he be after? I thought you said he didn’t suspect a thing. Get him! Get the envelope! What are you fuckin’ crazy? Get the car! Get the car! You just saw he went over the bump, couldn’t you slow it down a little? Why don’t you put some shocks on this thing? He’s slowin’ down. Wait a minute, he’s… Just knock him off the road. There’s something wrong with his car man. Put me out again. How ya doing Mr. Holder? Hey Holder slow it down will ya? You fellows ain’t allowed back there. Hey, slow down. Hey long time no see. Now listen before you make a big, big mistake you just give us the envelope. Come on man, were old pals remember? Besides you don’t want to make a fool out of yourself do you? He’s right. Well what do you say? Give us the envelope. We’ll go have a drink. We’ll talk about the old times. Come on man, give me the envelope. I mean all this arguing its really a downer. You just don’t get it do you? It’s over for you guys. Besides you wouldn’t know what to do with this. Oh you’re making a big mistake babe. Well just watch me. Babe. He’s going to do it. He ain’t gonna do shit. Hey… hello… hi there. Thank you. Thank you everybody. Hello. How ya do? Howdy, howdy, hi… how are ya? Thank you, thank you. That’s okay I appreciate it. Thank you. Hi, howdy, hello, how are ya? How do you do? How are you doing? How’s it going? What’s going on? What’s new? What do you think? What do you hear? What do you say? What do you feel? What’s shaking? What’s happening? Que pasa what’s going down what it is? Well we got all kinds of ways to say hello. We got lots of ways to say hello. You know what my favorite one is? How’s your hammer hanging? That’s a good one isn’t it? Doesn’t work too well with women you know, unless your talking to a female carpenter then it’s perfectly all right. I’ve always wanted to say that one to a high church official. “Good evening your holiness, how hangs the hammer?” So far haven’t had that opportunity. Then there’s one way to say hello that I really don’t care for, there’s one way I don’t like. You know how some people say to you, “Are they keeping you busy?” As if someone has the right to come up and give me odd jobs. They say to me, “Are they keeping you busy?” I say, “Well your wife is keeping me pretty busy, I’ll tell you that.” And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour. Then we have a lot of ways to say goodbye too. We’ve figured out all kinds of ways to say goodbye. We say bye-bye, so long, see ya later, take it easy, be cool, hang in there. You know what my favorite one is? “Don’t get run over.” Well some people need practical advice you know? And some guys will say to you, “Hey have a good one.” I say, “Hey already have a good one. Now I’m looking for a longer one.” And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour. Then you have all the foreign ways to say goodbye. You know some people when they leave ya they think they’ve got to get tricky and they’re whipping Arrivederci on ya. Avoir or Auf Wiedersehen or adios or they American version of that one, “Adios mother fucker.” Or aloha, that’s a nice one isn’t it, aloha. They say that in Hawaii of course and that means hello and goodbye, which just goes to show if you spend enough time in the sun you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. And have you noticed this? Sometimes you’ll get in a rut with the way you say goodbye. Do you ever find yourself using the same phrase over and over again with everybody and you feel a little stupid you know? Like if you’re leaving a party and you have to say goodbye to five or six people in a row and you say, “Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay.” You feel like a Goddamn moron you know. You know what I do? Every month I change the way I say goodbye. Whether I need to or not every month I start using a different phrase. People like that. They notice that little extra effort. They don’t say to me, “Pardon me, but didn’t you used to say, ‘Okay, take it easy?” I say, “Yes I did but not any more. Now I say farewell. Farewell till we meet again. Peace be with you. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” That’s a strong one isn’t it? People will remember you if you talk like that. Or sometimes you can combine several ways to say goodbye that don’t seem to go together like, “Toodleloo, go with God and don’t take any wooden nickels.” Then people don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Or you can say goodbye in a realistic manner. “So long Steve. Don’t let self-doubt interfere with your plans to improve your life.” Well some people need practical advice. Now here’s a situation you run into all the time. You notice how when you’re leaving someone a lot of times they’ll give you a message to give to someone else? Like they say, “Give my love to Klause. Tell Klause Rebecca sends her love.” Do you mind that? Do you mind being used that way? Do you mind the awesome responsibility of having to carry Rebecca’s love to Klause? Suppose you don’t see Klause, what are you going to do with Rebecca’s love, carry it around? Give it to someone else, maybe. “Wilhelm, I can’t find Klause here’s some of Rebecca’s love.” Suppose Wilhelm doesn’t know Rebecca. Can he legally accept her love? Especially when it was originally intended for Klause. Suppose you give Wilhelm Rebecca’s love for Klause and then you see Klause, what are you going to give him? All you had was Rebecca’s love and you’ve already gone and given that to Wilhelm. Can you logically ask Wilhelm to give back Rebecca’s love to Klause? Maybe he’s gotten used to it by now. Can Klause sue Wilhelm? Can Wilhelm be arrested? Can you be arrested for transporting love across a state line? All right just for the sake of argument lets leave Wilhelm out of this altogether. Suppose Rebecca gives you her love to give to Klause and you do see Klause, what form should the love take? Can you risk giving Klause a tongue kiss? Which brings up another problem, maybe Klause is gay. Klause doesn’t want Rebecca’s love; Klause wants Wilhelm’s love. If Klause tells you to give his love to Wilhelm say, “Bullshit Klause. You give your own love to Wilhelm. I’m going to find Rebecca.” One final little portion of this, sometimes people want you to take a hug and a kiss to someone for them. Now they’ve got you carrying cargo. “Give em’ a big hug and a kiss for me. Give em’ a big hug and a kiss for me.” Usually it’s women. I find that women are a little more expressive at times like these and sometimes they’re really explicit. “Bye bye Elaina, drive carefully and give Jake a big blow job for me.” Well why don’t you get Klause to take care of that for ya? Well no matter how we say hello it’s nice to say hello to ya. Hello George. Hello my friend.
Also I’d like to welcome a few groups that we have here in the audience tonight. Perhaps you’d let us know where you’re sitting. The Child Pornographers Association. God bless you, wonderful work you’re doing. The United Syphilis Victims, many of the same people. The Dirty Rotten Pricks of America. That’s a proud organization and we always have quite a turnout when I’m in town. The Women Who’ll Sleep With Anyone, well not quite as many of them as I was hoping for. Those of you girls who did show up don’t forget cast party after the show. Now I’d also like to welcome we have some people here tonight from some of the local homes in the area. When I say homes I mean those kind of places where some of us, let’s face it, have to be kept. The home for those who no longer feel fine and dandy, the home for those who felt all right about a year ago and the home for those who gave a shit up until yesterday morning. And apparently we also have some people here tonight from the Center for the Visually Unpleasant. Try not to look directly at those people unless you’re equipped with the special safety glasses.
Now the only reason I mentioned those groups only reason I mentioned those groups is cause those are a few of the charities that I’ve been working for lately. I like to mention the charities I’m interested in right here at the beginning of the show. As you know a lot of entertainers, a lot of people in show business they want you to know the good works there doing. And hey, I’m no different from the others but unfortunately for me most of the really big charitable organizations are already spoken for. In fact, between Danny Thomas and Jerry Lewis about 80% of the things that make you limp or tremble are taken. What it amounts to is that most of the really neat diseases are gone. So I’m forced to deal with some the smaller organizations such as the Salvation Navy. That’s a good outfit. It’s hard to get people to join, knowing nobody really wants to sit in a rowboat with a bass drum in his lap.
As long as were in this sort of public service mood I’d like to mention a social problem we have in this country that a lot of people don’t like to talk about in public but I think it’s time we faced this thing head on. It exists in a lot of families but most people won’t admit to it and I’m talking about battered plants. It’s plant beating pure and simple. There’s no way to put a nice face on it but battered plants is part of a larger problem as you know the overall problem is called the battering syndrome. And we’ve heard mostly about battered wives and a lot of work has been done in that direction but then we began to hear that there were battered husbands too. There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is real small and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. And you heard that there are other members of the family being abused, battered step uncles in-law, battered foster cousins, battered third cousins once removed, in fact, the whole idea of battered distant relatives strikes me as a little strange. To get on a bus and ride for six or seven hours just to beat the shit out of someone you hardly ever see. But the problem continued to spread, battered fiancés, battered best friends, battered total strangers, which I think indicates a short fuse don’t you? And battered blind dates, which as many of you know is so often completely justified. But then the problem got a little ugly and the problem got a little strange we began to hear about battered pets. Battered pets, that’s how I felt. When I first heard of it I couldn’t believe it. I said to myself, “What?” And I answered, “Well yes, apparently so according to the information.” I often have these little conversations with myself. I do so love good conversation. But it’s true there are battered pets. This happens when someone gets frustrated at work, comes home, beats the shit out of Fluffy. But then the problem got really sick. Then the problem, I don’t know, we began to hear about battered plants. Battered plants, I couldn’t believe it. I said to myself, I said, “What?” And I answered, “Well.” Because this time I was speechless. But it’s true… there are battered plants. And I don’t mean just physical abuse. I’m not talking strictly about the physical abuse of plants. I don’t’ mean like drop kicking some zinnias into the ne xt yard. I’m not talking about pistol-whipping a gardenia. I’m not even talking about stopping the car, getting out and pissing on a bush. But I am talking about psychological torture. The mental abuse that we put plants through day in and day out. For instance, hanging plants. How do we know they aren’t scared shitless up there? No wonder ivy clings. You’d cling too to the side of a building. So when you get home tonight please take a look around the house, make sure you haven’t put a plant in some corner where it doesn’t want to be. And for God’s sakes never, never keep a plant in the bathroom. They hate that. And now ladies and gentlemen before we actually begin the humorous portion of tonight’s show I wonder if we might just have a moment of silence for the forty-three elderly, mentally retarded Bolivian senior citizen volleyball fans who lost their lives this morning in a roller coaster accident just outside of Lapaz, Bolivia. Apparently they all stood up on a turn and went flying off into the cool, crisp morning Lapaz air and, being heavier than air, landed in the funhouse. So I thought it might be appropriate for us tonight, as I say, to have just a moment of silence for the forty-three elderly, mentally retarded Bolivian senior citizen volleyball fans who went [whistling sound] Off a God damn roller coaster into the God damn funhouse. And in case you think this is a moment of humor, a time to be joking, a time to be poking your neighbor in the ribs, I ask you to please put yourself in a Bolivian’s place. In fact, put yourself in your own place. Put that place into Bolivia for just a moment. Think of yourself visiting Bolivia, watching a Bolivian comedian in a Bolivian theatre and he says that some mentally retarded American volleyball fans were tossed out of a roller coaster and he wants a moment of silence and your sitting next to some Bolivian jack off whose giggling through his nose might I say you’d be highly pissed? Might I add, rightly so. So ladies and gentlemen please let us consider the many grieving Bolivian’s in our audience tonight and let’s check that very normal human impulse to laugh quite a bit when another person dies. And let us observe a moment of silence for the forty-three elderly, mentally retarded Bolivian senior citizens volleyball fans. Not to mention the poor unsuspecting fuckers in the funhouse. Well I can see this isn’t going to work. But that’s all right… that’s all right because I don’t know what to do during a moment of silence either. I don’t know what to do during a moment of silence. What do you do during a moment of silence? What do they want? What do they expect of me? Do they want me to pray? They don’t say that. If they want me to prayer fuck em’, let them ask. I’ll pray but Goddamn it you got to ask me. They don’t say that, they issue no instructions whatsoever. You go to the baseball game, you go to the football stadium and they’ll say, “Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, would like, would like, would like, would like, would like, would like, would like, moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, silence, silence, silence, silence, silence, silence.” I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I have evil thoughts. Usually I wind up counting the pimples on the neck of the man in front of me. Looking for a white head with a hair growing through it. Or sometimes I’ll find myself staring at the huge but perfectly formed breasts on the woman in the row in front of mine. Rising and falling softly in the late October afternoon sun and my thoughts turn gently romantic, “Wow! , look at the knobs on her! What fuckin’ knobs man! Knob City, U S A!” I think I’m going to go down to the refreshment stand and buy myself a weenie and conceal it in my pants. And then come during the half-time activities I’m whipping out the weenie. Then I’m going to eat the weenie and force her to watch me. Nah, she probably wouldn’t understand. It’s my way of asking for a date. Well your imagination runs away with you. I don’t know what to do during a moment of silence. And why is it silence? What is it silence they want for? I mean after all the man, whoever it is were honoring, is dead. What good is silence? Guy’s not going to wake up now. How about a moment of screaming? Wouldn’t that be more appropriate for a dead person? [Screams] Would sure put you in the mood for the ball game. And why is it always the dead? What’s this favoritism toward the dead? Fuck the dead! What about the injured? What about the injured? You always have more injured than you have dead in any good accident. How about a moment of muffled conversation for those who are treated and released? I’ve always wanted to be treated and released. Usually I’m treated and detained. But that’s private. That’s personal stuff.
I don’t reveal everything. I’m not one of those who has to tell you I will tell you a little something about my private life, here’s something you don’t know. I never fucked a ten but one night I fucked five twos. And I think that ought to count. I think that ought to go in your record as a positive achievement. Never fucked a one. Hey, never got drunk enough to fuck a one. Shit, you got to be drunk to fuck a one. Course some guy’s will fuck anybody, you know. Some guys will fuck anybody. “Hey, let’s fuck her.” “That’s a sign post Bob.” “Well let’s go for it.” Some guys will fuck anybody. Not me, not anymore. Not since herpes and AlD’s are going around. In fact, just to be on the safe side I’m not even jerking off anymore. But I don’t know where I’ve been. And you know, you know the other day too; I got to thinking about bisexuals and thinking what an awful life that must be. What a curse it must be to be a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet? Think of all the phone numbers you’d accumulate. You might as well just walk around with the white pages under your arm. And you know I’ve always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to give her some tongue. And I’d say, “Well I don’t get off till four o’clock.” And she’d say, “Well I don’t get off at all that’s why I’m looking for some tongue.” So far I just haven’t had the opportunity. Oh time for a little relief here you know? Da-ta-da. Sure, sure. Sometimes I go like this. But then I stop. This has been one of those times.
This next piece of material is on a subject that most people can identify with, it’s about losing things. You know I don’t like to lose anything. I don’t like to lose anything! Because where is it? See basically that’s the part that bothers me the most. I’m a practical guy, where is it? I just had it. You know that feeling? It was just here! “Where is it?” “I don’t know.” “It’s gone.” “That’s true.” “It’s lost.” “I know.” “Where could it be?” “Could be anywhere.” “Maybe it will come back.” “Maybe but not yet.” “It’s gone.” “That’s true. Are we going to go through this shit again?” Where do these things go when they’re lost? There are some things that I don’t even care if I ever get them back I just one to know where the fuck they went. And losing things is one of those things in life that’s even worse when you’re a child. Much worse to lose something when you’re a child because people get on you for it. You know, it’s double jeopardy. Not only is the item gone but you’re catching shit from up here. “You what?” “I lost my yo-yo.” “Well where’d you have it last?” “Hey, if I knew that I would still have my yo-yo.” “Well it must be somewhere.” “Right.” “Well it just didn’t get up and walk away.” That one always got to me. It just didn’t get up and walk away. One time I lost a cat. It just got up and walked away. And she actually started to say, “Well it just didn’t get up and…” “Hey ma, I think you figured this one out.”
Where do things go when they’re lost? Do you know what I think? I think there’s a big pile of things somewhere. I think there’s a big constantly changing pile of things that are lost. You lose something it goes to the pile. And then you say, “Oh look there it is.” Right back from the pile. And you didn’t even know there was a pile. And where is the pile? I n heaven of course. Has to be in heaven. That’s the first thing that happens when you get to heaven they give you back everything you ever lost. That’s the whole meaning of heaven. You get back everything. “Here you are seventy-nine pairs of sunglasses, two hundred and twelve cigarette lighters, four thousand nine hundred and eighty-three ballpoint pens and here’s a jock strap we found on the Golden State Freeway. It appears to have mule hoof prints and chocolate sprinkles on it. Must have been quite an evening.” Yes you get back everything. You get back every… well not everything, you don’t get the big things back. Good judgment, that never comes back, your tonsils, your appendix they keep those for display purposes. Virginity, you don’t get that back cause you were in such a big hurry to get rid of it in the first place. But you do get all your wallets. You get back every wallet you ever lost. No cash, it’s just like Earth. They keep the money as a prayer offering. Speaking of heaven, you know what else they have in heaven? They’ve got a special room for every balloon that ever got away. Yeah, next time you see a balloon drifting off by itself relax soon it will be with it’s friends in the balloon room, off the main hall in west heaven and that makes me happy. You know why? Because I’m a balloon guy. I am. I don’t mind admitting it right in public. I’m a balloon guy. I love a balloon. You know what I say? I say, “Give me a balloon.” Sometimes I say it loud, “Give me a balloon!” Most people don’t pay any attention to me. Let’s get back to losing things. Have you noticed some people when they lose something the first thing they say is it was stolen? That’s there first reaction. “Who stole it?” It’s an ego defense. They can’t stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. Had to of been stolen. Even if it’s something that nobody would really want. “Hey! , Hey! , who stole my collection of used bandages? And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine.” Did you ever notice this when you’ve lost something? That the longer you look for it the stranger the places get that you’re looking. You look at the strangest Goddamn places after a while. You have to, why? You’ve already looked in the easy places. Those are the first places we look, the obvious places. People say to each other, “Well I’ve looked everywhere.” “Well apparently not. Goddamn thing is still gone isn’t it?” “Let’s keep looking in obvious places. I’ll look in the furnace you check the cesspool.” You look in the strangest places. Did you ever look in the freezer for your car keys? You have to why? “They might be in there.” You wouldn’t want to pass up on an obvious place like the freezer would you? You can picture them in there. You can see them in there. That’s what the mind is for, picturing where you left your car keys. You can believe in it and you can follow the logic all the way back to the supermarket. “I came out of the supermarket, I had the frozen banana guacamole in my hands. I drove home, got out of the car with the banana guacamole in my hand, I had my keys in this hand, I put the banana guacamole in the freezer, I probably just dropped the keys in there too, let’s go take a look. Oh shit, they’re not in there. I could have sworn I left those keys in the freezer. And hey, who stole the banana guacamole?” You look in the strangest Goddamn places. Did you ever find yourself looking in a suit you haven’t worn in ten years for something you just had twenty minutes ago? You have to why? Six more pockets, wouldn’t want to pass them up would you or else you wouldn’t be able to say, “I’ve looked everywhere.” “By the way, while you’re in the closet check the watch pocket of your grandfather’s World War I uniform. You just might have handed him the keys before the Battle of Bradon.” Here’s another thing that happens when your looking for something. Did you ever notice that you’d be looking for something, you might be out in the garage and every now and then you’ll go back and look where the thing ought to be? You’ll go right from the garage you’ll walk back and look in the top drawer, “Nope not back yet.” You’re convinced that Saint Anthony will bring those keys back while you’re in the Goddamn garage. And of course if you’re looking for car keys your pocket is one place where you have to look at least six or seven hundred times. You wear out the cloth in your pocket. “They were right here and I usually… usually I’ll put them in here. See I get out of the car, I have them, see, no, hold on, no, hold it, wait a minute, no, thought maybe I’d sneak up on them, no, they’re not in there. I don’t what the hell I did with them. I had them you know? Hold on… I had… what… what? Maybe they fell upwards. Maybe they fell upward and stuck to some bubble gum, hold on. Maybe for the first time in my life I dropped them down near my balls. No, no, no.” Well you’re imagination runs away with you. Well those are easy things, car keys, those are common. Sometimes it’s an unusual item that’s missing like the couch. Did you ever come home and the Goddamn couch is gone? “Where’s the couch?” “I don’t know.” “It’s gone.” “That’s true.” “Where could it be?” “Could be anywhere.” “Maybe it will come back.” “Maybe but no not this, too big. Nothing over six feet ever comes back on it’s own.” “Well it was here this morning.” “Well of course it was here this morning, there’d be no sense in mentioning the fact that it isn’t here now unless it had been here this morning.” “Fuck you I’m tired of your shit. Why don’t you take your logic and go to bed?” “I can’t.” “Why not?” “I sleep on the couch.” Well you know. [George sings] My uncle used to do that and we used to slap the shit out of him. He was a real asshole.
Are there any guys here tonight wearing an earring? How about a sanitary napkin, do you have one of them on too? That’s a cheap… that’s a cheap joke, I’m sorry. That was a cheap joke and I’m better than that. “No I’m not.” Well I only ask for a specific reason. Don’t mean to embarrass anybody see I once wore an earring and I’m wondering if the climate is still the same for people who take a chance, and I don’t know I guess it’s a little different now, this was ten or twelve years ago, it can’t be quite the same, but when you wear an earring certain things I noticed certain things, this was as I say, ten years ago I decided to wear an earring. The only reason I had very simple motive, I just wanted people to think I was different okay? And I thought well I’ll drill a hole in my flesh. I only have seven holes in my head now I’ll make an eighth hole in my head and put an ornament in there and people will have to deal with me. I just wanted people to think I was a little strange okay? I mean, apparently it wasn’t strange enough that I stand up here going [noise]. I needed something a little extra. And I thought well self-mutilation that might do the trick. So I drilled a hole in my ear, put an ornament in there and set about my tasks. First thing I noticed was that some people didn’t care. In fact, the whole world seemed indifferent to what I had done. Most people would not even look at the earring, I noticed that they would look right in my eyes, ignoring the earring, and I know what’s going through their mind, they’re thinking this asshole is wearing a fucking earring. But a lot of people wouldn’t look at it cause they couldn’t handle it. That’s… I know that’s what was going on, they couldn’t handle it cause they didn’t know what it meant. You know some people think everything has to mean something. Well some things don’t mean anything. But people think it means something. It means your gay. If it’s in this ear it means your gay. If it’s in this ear it means you like to hump water buffalo or something I don’t know. Somebody said to me, “Well what does it mean?” I said, ” It means I killed a man in prison for asking fucking questions.” And that seemed to satisfy his curiosity. Another guy says to me, “Are you gay?” I say, “Well bend over and let’s find out.” You know, I mean it’s the same thing if a man carries a little bag, a little purse in his hand you know? That’s all it is, it’s a little purse. It’s a purse that’s all. Some guys can’t handle that word. Some guys who carry them can’t even call it that. They’ll say, “Where’s my little bag?” I say, ” Fuck you it’s your purse. Pick it up and get out of here will you?” I mean if you can’t handle the word don’t carry the bag. That’s all it is a little purse. I got one, big deal. What does it mean? But some people like to taunt you they’ll say, “Is that your purse?” And I say, “Yes it is and I have a picture of your mother in here sucking off an Indian.” And that seemed to satisfy their curiosity. So I wore this earring for about two years or three years and then I decided not to wear it anymore when I heard that Andy Rooney had one. I thought, “Well fuck me. How different can I be?” So I stopped wearing it and my hole grew over, my earring hole. No, not my asshole. What are you crazy or something? Get out of here. No if your asshole grows over you might as well check straight into a cemetery cause you’re going to spend a lot of time walking around the beach wondering why you’re getting larger. No, no, no my earring hole grew over and people noticed it. People would say, “Aren’t you gaining weight?” And I’d say, “Yes my earring hole grew over. And aren’t you a keen observer of detail?” But these days if you want to be different, these days, one earring isn’t enough. You got to have a whole colony of those Goddamn things growing up the side of your head like they’re out of control. Some guys are walking with a thirty-degree list to port. Setting off metal detectors all over town. Or if you really want to be different you got to get your nose pierced. That will make you different. Get your nose pierced. Actually you don’t have to get it pierced you can do it yourself at home with a paper punch. Makes a nice clean hole, only hurts for about a month and then you can put one of your dad’s tie tacks in there. “Hi Dad.” “What’s that one of my tie tacks?” “Yep.” “Well make sure you bring it home.” You’ll make a good impression at the job interview with one of your dad’s tie tacks sticking through your nose. I figure it’s your body. Well some guys won’t get that done. That’s not a guy’s thing for the most part. You won’t see too many guys with a nose stud it’s more of a woman’s thing to do. Guys figured out a long time ago, “Hey I get punched in the face with one of those things in it’s going to staple my nose to the back of my skull. Whoa, this fucking hurts man. Well I wanted to be different.” “Well you are now.” Now that’s not for men. For the most part you don’t see men it’s women that have that. And some women have more than one. Some women have two or three of those things in there. God, I could never have handled that. I mean it was hard enough keeping one earring clean, can you imagine three nose studs and a heavy cold. Whoa, forget about it. And you might sneeze and kill your friend. [Sneezes] “Fucking Joey, my eye. My eye!” Now your friend has a pierced eye to go along with your pierced nose. Little water you know. Little water. Wouldn’t hurt to have a little water. Yeah, you know. The swallow flipper is working I’m happy to say.
I’d like to talk a little bit about sports. Sports are very big in this country. I’m a sports fan. That’s fine thank you. Yes I know a lot of people feel positive about sports. As I say I’m… I’m not a fanatic about sports but I’m not a casual observer either. I was watching ESPN today for which I’m thankful by the way, all sorts of strange things they show on ESPN. Today they had some swimming that was interesting. The women’s two hundred meter breaststroke. Well I’d never have seen a woman with two hundred meter breast so I was really interested. Well I’ll tell you this; I’m enough of a sports fan that I suggest I have some rules changes I would like to suggest. I think they are some changes we could make in certain sports that would make them more e xciting you know? Like in football I would love all forty-five guys play at the same time. You know, what’s this shit standing around watching the game? Get in there, put a helmet on and hurt somebody for Christ sakes will you? You’re not getting paid to watch and never mind lining up, just grab the ball and run like a mother fucker you know? Another thing I would do in football, I would leave the injured on the field. Well they’re always talking about how it’s a big war going on out there. Fine let the Red Cross come around and pick these assholes up. Here’s how I’d change basketball. You could make basketball a lot quicker. You know what you do? You have a two second shot clock. Soon as that ball is inbounds get that son-of-a-bitch up in the air. I didn’t come to watch a game of catch; I’m looking for a four or five hundred point ball game. I’m a fan. I want six overtimes and a thousand points on the board. Another thing I would do for basketball at the center court line for ten feet on either side of the center court line I would have a gasoline fire. You talk about the fast break you’d see the really fast break. Here’s another suggestion for basketball, I would allow twenty-five points for any ball that goes in the basket off another guys head. You’d see some good fights during those close games I’ll tell you. And you’d increase the chance for serious injuries. That’s what I’m looking for injuries. That’s what I like about sports. I don’t care who wins these games if I want to see winners I’ll watch the Academy Awards. I’m looking for injuries, serious lifelong, crippling, debilitating injuries. I’m an American, give me a little violence and I’m a happ y guy. Most people won’t admit that. Most people won’t admit that. They’ll say, “Well I like the competition.” “Yeah like Hiroshima right?” Fuck the competition; I’m looking for a leg in two or three places. Well now getting back to how we can improve these sports and speed them up. You know baseball needs a little speeding up. You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing, that’s it. One swing, fuck you, you’re out, sit down, come on let’s go, come on sit down, come on, let’s go. There’s another thing to make baseball a lot faster, if the pitcher hits the batter with the ball, batter’s out. You hit twenty-seven guys you got yourself a perfect game my friend. You get two really good accurate pitchers out there and you could be out of that ballpark in fifteen minutes. You could be home watching football on TV and see some serious Goddamn injuries. One more thing for baseball. Out in the outfield I would have a series of randomly placed landmines. “There’s Marshall settling under that ball. Boom! Holy shit.” Now I must e xplain the only reason I mentioned baseball, basketball and football is because to my way of thinking these are really the only three sports we have. Nothing else qualifies as a sport according to me. Everything else is a game or an activity. Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. Hockey is not a sport. Hockey is three activities going on at the same time. I ce skating, playing with a puck and beating the shit out of somebody. Now if these guys were intelligent at all they would do these things one at a time. First you go ice-skating then you play with the puck then you go to the bar and beat the shit out of somebody. The day would last a lot longer and these guys would have a whole lot more fun. Tell you another reason hockey is not a sport it’s not played with a ball. Anything that isn’t played with a ball can’t be a sport. These are my rules I make them up. Hockey is played with a puck. What is a puck? I never even heard of a puck outside of hockey. Have you ever heard of a puck? The only other place you find a puck is in the urinal to control the smell in the bathroom all right? And as far as I’m concerned any game where the main object is something that came out of a urinal is definitely not a sport. Soccer, soccer is not a sport cause you can’t use your arms. Anything where you can’t use your arms can’t be a sport. Tap dancing isn’t a sport I rest my case. Another thing I don’t like about soccer they got dots on the ball. That’s a big rule of mine, no Goddamn dots on the ball. Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn’t a sport. Because anyone can do it. You know anything we can all do can’t be a sport. I can run you can run. My mother can run. You don’t see her on the cover of Sports I llustrated do you? People say I’m going to run down to the store and buy a loaf of bread. Fine it’s not a Goddamn sport. I’m not going to pay to watch you buy a fucking loaf of bread. Swimming. Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s common sense. Sailing. Sailing isn’t a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding a bus isn’t a sport. Why the fuck should sailing be a sport? Boxing is not a sport. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. But beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport in spite of what the police think. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event fine then boxing can be a sport. Bowling, bowling isn’t a sport cause you have to rent the shoes. Don’t forget my rules, I make them up. Billiards. Now billiards is not a sport because there’s no chance for serious injuries. Unless you welsh on a bet in a tough neighborhood then if you see a guy with a pool cue sticking out of his ass you know that might be a sports related injury. But that’s not billiards that’s pool. And that’s starts with a ‘P’ and that rhymes with a ‘D’ and that brings me to darts. Now darts could be a sport cause you might put somebody’s eye out but darts will never be sport because the whole object is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic. Lacrosse. Lacrosse is not a sport. Lacrosse is a fagot college activity. Sorry about that. That’s right. Anytime you’re standing in a field with a stick with a net on the end of it you’re engaged in a fagot college activity. Same thing goes for field hockey and fencing. These things aren’t sports cause you can’t gamble on them. Anything you can’t gamble on can’t be a sport. When was the last time you made a fuckin’ fencing bet? Gymnastics. Gymnastics is not a sport cause Romanians are good at it. Took me a long time to come up with that rule but by God I thought of one. Polo. Polo isn’t a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. It’s a great concept but it’s not a sport. And water polo I don’t even want to mention water polo cause it’s extremely cruel to the horses. Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting’s a sport? Ask the deer. The only thing good about hunting is the many accidents on the weekends. Which brings me to auto racing. Now were talking serious Goddamn injuries folks. I don’t know about you but that’s what I’m looking for in motor racing. A nice crash and a car fire. I don’t care who wins these races. It’s the same five rednecks who win all the time anyway. Who gives a shit about these people? I got to be honest with ya. Listen I got to be honest, driving five hundred miles in a circle does not impress me. I’m looking for an accident. Let me put it this way, when else am I going to see a twenty-six car collision and not be in the Goddamn thing? Then we have tennis. Now tennis, very trendy, not a sport. Tennis is a form of ping-pong. In fact, tennis is ping-pong played while standing on the table, you know? Great idea but its not a sport. In fact, all racket games are nothing but derivatives of ping-pong. Even volleyball is racketless team ping-pong played with an inflated ball and raised net while standing on the table. Then finally we come to golf. Did you ever watch golf on TV? It’s like watching flies fuck. I get more excited picking out socks. Golf could be fun if you could play alone. But it’s these genetic defectives that you have to hang around with that makes it such a boring pastime. Think of the brains that it takes to play golf. Hitting a ball with a crooked stick and then walking after it. And then hitting it again. I say pick it up asshole. Your lucky you found it. Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home will ya?
Thank you. Goodnight everybody. Thank you all very much. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good time. Goodnight. Thank you. Thank you very much. Goodnight now. You hear that guys? They loved it. You was great sweetie. Yeah you was terrific Mr. Holder. Way to go Mr. Holder. Do something Boss, do something. We’ll find ourselves another schmuck. You’re a bummer man. You were funny without us man. You were really funny. You think they’ll be back? Not a chance kid. Good night Mr. Holder. Good night Pops. Awe he’s such a nice man.
