[Crowd chatter] Ladies and gentlemen: Bill Burr! [Cheers and applause] All right. Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, sir. How are ya? How’s it going? All right. [Cheers and applause] All right, all right, all right, all right. All right, everybody settle down. I wanna get a gun. I do. I really do. I never had that feeling before till I moved out to Los Angeles. This city just messes with your mind, you know? It’s overpopulated, technically doesn’t have a water supply. Right? The dollar’s crashing. Shit keeps you up at night. You’re just thinking… “What am I gonna do when the zombies come?” Right? Start reading up on shit. “Get some powdered food. Plant some zucchini. Get a windmill.” Right? And that’s all well and good, but if you don’t know how to fight, all you’re doing is gathering supplies for the toughest guy on the block. Right? I was thinking about that. What am I gonna do if some dude turns me upside down, starts shaking the gold coins outta my pockets? I gotta get a gun. So I’m on the road, right? I’m in Reno. Great gun town. So I go down to that little gun store, right? Come walking in. There’s some redneck there. I’m like, “Hey, man.” I go, “I wanna get a gun.” He’s like, “I hear ya. Whatcha looking for? Whatcha want? Mossberg? Over/under? A .357 Magnum? Right?” Starts rattling off all this gibberish, right? I don’t know shit. I’m trying to play it off. I feel like a bitch, ’cause I don’t know anything about guns. So I was like, “What do I do here? Ah, hell, I’m gonna go with honesty.” I go, “Look, dude, I don’t know anything about guns. They terrify me. But I’m worried about the zombies. All right?” Dude’s just like… “You need a shotgun. You need a shotgun, man. It’s got a good spread. It’s easy to load, doesn’t have a lot of working parts. Got a good spread.” He kept saying that. “It’s got a good spread.” I’m like, “What does that mean?” He goes, “Well, that means you ain’t gotta be that accurate. It’s got a good spread. Further away you are, the more shit you hit. It’s got a good spread. In fact, you got a problem over here, you ain’t even gotta look. You just turn… pow! That’s it. You ain’t got a problem over here anymore. Anything that was even remotely a problem ain’t there anymore. Trust me. And then these people here… they saw what you just did here. You ain’t got a problem here either… feel me? 90 degrees taken care of right there… one shot. These people get smart, flip it over… whap! That’s it. It’s got a good spread.” So I’m, like, laughing my ass off. I’m like, “Dude, look. I just wanna shoot the guy. I don’t want to have to do a bunch of drywall work. You know? Reframe my diploma. Get my parakeet another friend. You know? I just wanna shoot the guy.” So I’m like, “You know, how ’bout one of these pistols?” So he does, like, that classic, like, that redneck trailing off thing like, “All right, you want a pistol, go ahead and get a pistol… What do I know? I just been here 20 years. Get a shiny one, right?” So I was like, “What’s wrong with getting a pistol?” He goes, “I’ll tell you why, buddy. ‘Cause life… Life ain’t a movie. You feel me?” I’m like, “No, can you please stop speaking in these backwoods riddles? Can you just say what you’re saying? I told you I don’t know shit about guns. Come on, do me a solid here.” He goes, “Look, you ever watch a movie, guy goes blaw, blaw, blaw… he kills three people. Real life, man, you miss. You miss all the fucking time. You miss enough times, man, you’re empty. Might as well juts be standing there with a big stapler in your hand. Then what ya gonna do?” I was like, “Well, fuck it. Let’s get the shotgun.” He’s all ready to box the thing up, and then I’m like, “Wait a minute.” I live with my girl. I can’t just show up with a shotgun, right? That’s not some shit you can just come home with. If I found this stool on the side of the road, I can come home with this. Look at it! We can refinish it. We can carve our initials in it. We can have a good time, right? I can’t just show up with a shotgun. “Hey, I got it for us!” Right? One barrel for you, one for me. No. So she kiboshes the whole thing. Till the other night somebody broke into our car sitting in the driveway. Starts fucking with her head, right? So she starts reading up on guns, you know? But she’s reading too much, ’cause now she wants to get one, but she’s just like, “Well, I heard you gotta keep the bullets in a safe, keep the stock in the garage.” And then what? Then what, I run around the house and assemble it as some dude’s chasing me with an ax, you know? Are you even thinking this thing through, sweetheart? Running around. “Where… where’s the scope?” “It’s in the living room.” “He’s in the living room!” No, if we’re getting this thing, I want that fucking thing loaded right on the bedroom wall, right there. I’ll put that thing in my jam-jam sleeves. Whoof! just like that. There’s no other point. It’s funny, though, when you talk about getting a gun, you know? People, like, they’re either totally for it or completely against it, you know? They either go nuts and start screaming, right? Or they start throwing out those stats: “You know, actually, you increase your chances of getting shot by 80% the second you get a gun in the house.” Really? What, ’cause I’m gonna load it and shower with it, like… uhh… uh… uhh… The fuck? I know it’s dangerous. You get a pool in your backyard, you immediately increase your odds of drowning in your backyard, right? You couldn’t do that before. Now you step on a rake, in you go! No, I’m telling you, I don’t buy into any of that shit.
Stats are so fucking stupid, you know? Not that they’re stupid. It’s the way people apply ’em. You already have your mind made up, and then you go to i’mright.com, you start memorizing a bunch of shit, then you just… blaaah! Just throw it up at people. This guy tried to get me to go scuba diving. I go, “I’m not going. I don’t wanna get eaten by a shark.” He’s like, “Well, actually, 90% of shark attacks actually happen in shallow water.” It’s like, no shit. That’s where the people are. You know? It’s called the beach. 90% of people are frolicking along the coastline. It’s not like there’s people swimming to Europe. “Let’s go to Iceland, you pussies!” Right?
I don’t know. But I actually like Los Angeles. One of the few east coast people that likes it. All my moron New York friends and Boston friends, they come out there, try to get a good slice of pizza at 4:00 in the morning. And they can’t. Like, “This fucking place sucks! It’s not like exactly where I left. What’s the point of traveling if it’s gonna be different?” That’s so fucking stupid. Get a burrito and go on a hike. What’s wrong with you? You gonna go to Hawaii… “There’s no pond hockey! This place sucks!” I got to admit, the only thing that freaks me out about Los Angeles is all the plastic surgery. I don’t get it. Why do people get plastic surgery, you know? Why can’t you just admit it’s over? You know? You had your time. Stop trying to look fuckable in your 50s. It’s weird! With their faces yanked back… Looking all shiny, right? Not to mention they haven’t even figured it out, you know? Why would you get a face-lift? Can’t you look at other face-lifts and realize they haven’t worked all the bugs out yet? That’s what you wanna look like? Like you just lost a fight three days ago? Don’t be a hero. Let somebody else go in there… Take the fucking beach. You lay back… Wait it out. They’re just lying to people. “No, no, it looks great. Looks great. Put a little ice on it, we’ll see you in a couple of weeks. All right, take it easy. Jesus Christ! What the fuck happened? We followed every step. Did we miss something? Oh, hey, hey, hey! Oh, here’s your keys. Here’s your keys. There you go, there you go. Almost didn’t recognize you, you look so young. All right, take it easy. She gone? All right, she’s gone. Shred everything. Shred it!” No, you’re nuts. You wait it out. Let ’em figure it out, then you fucking go in. Don’t be a goddamn hero, you know? Look at hair plugs. Hair plugs don’t look half bad now. Saw this guy the other night on TV. He’s like, “Oh, god, I wish I did this ten years ago.” It’s like, no, you don’t! Ten years ago, when they were stapling ant legs to the tops of people’s heads? Remember that? Your eyes would water looking at their hairline… like, “Is that sewn in? I see pine tar!” They used to put you in, like, a headlock. “Hold still!” Use, like, a nail gun. “Hold still!” Guys would tap out after a row and a half. “Fuck it! I don’t give a shit!” You wish you got hair plugs ten years ago. Do you wish you got polio 60 years ago? What else is on your wish list, sir? No, you don’t fuck with your face… Okay? I understand liposuction. They screw that up, you can put on a shirt, right? There’s no shirt for your face. Who do they think they’re fooling with their stupid… You know? And then you lie to yourself: “I’m just gonna do a little… just gonna do this. Just gonna have this done.” No, you’re not. You’re not. What, are you just gonna wax the Fender on your car then that’s it, and the rest of it looks all shitty? “Well, maybe I’ll just do the hood. And maybe I’ll do the back.” That’s how it happens. Then you look like one of those real housewives… Face all twisted up. Fucking idiots. “Hey, do I look… ” [laughter] yeah, they’re idiots! “Do I look like I’m in my 20s?” No, you look weird. You look fucking weird. You still look like you’re in your 50s. I just can’t guess what year anymore because I’ve never seen that year. I’ve never seen that shiny fucking look. It’s almost like you discovered a new age between 52 and 53. Yeah. People, there’s nothing wrong with being 52 and looking 52, all right? You’re 52. You didn’t get fucked. [Applause] Yeah. What would you rather be… 52 and look 52 or be 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard? All right? That’s your options at this point. [Laughs] You know what’s really… like actually embarrassing is that the face-lift… that’s predominately a white problem. Have you noticed that? I’ve never seen a black person with a face-lift ever other than like the Jacksons. But they’re all out of their minds, right? ‘Cause their dad made ’em rehearse all day and sleep in the fireplace. Like jamming all nine… “Get in there, you bastards!” No hugs, no kisses. His face permanently twisted up from 50 years of screaming, “Sing, motherfucker!” It’s understandable with them. [Laughs]
Hey, do you know why so many whities need face-lifts? I love that word. I’m trying to bring it back. I love it, it’s funny. Whitey! You know why? Do you know why so many caucasians need face-lifts? ‘Cause we don’t know about lotion. See that? Only half of you laughed. That should’ve been everybody. Yeah, but a lot of you were sitting there like, “Well… What about lotion? “What is this lotion you speak of, and what is the magic therein?” Just to put it out there, you can use lotion on other parts of your body besides your dick. Yeah. If you ever wondered why your dick still looks brand-new but the rest of you is starting to look like an aging pirate, it’s ’cause you need to increase the circumference of the lotion distribution. All right? You got skin everywhere. Go home. Check yourself out. The bottom of your feet look like a prehistoric riverbed. That’s not part of the natural aging process. You’re dried out. I’m not judging you. Not judging anybody. I didn’t know anything about lotion. Never used it the first 33 years of my life. Never used it. Till one night I was going out with this black girl, right? She was getting ready, and she was just putting that shit on everywhere. Just slathering it on. I thought she had, like, a rash or something. I’m like, “What, do you got, like, poison Ivy? What’s going on with you?” She goes, “No, I’m just making sure I’m not ashy.” I said, “Ashy?” She goes, “Dry skin.” And I went, “Oh!” I guess I freaked her out a little bit, ’cause I was like, “Oh!” She was like, “Well, white people get ashy too.” I was like, “Yeah, you know, I don’t think we do.” [Laughter] “Yeah, I been alive for 33 years. No one has ever said, ‘Hey, Bill, you’re looking a little ashy.’ I never even heard that word until you said it.” She’s like, “You’re an idiot. Stick out your arm.” So I stick out my arm, and ever so gently, she just drags her nails down. This smoke starts coming up. It’s like pastry flakes flying off. Track marks. She’s signing her name. She’s like, “You see that?” She goes, “That’s ashy. You’re ashy.” Freaked me out. I’m like, “Holy shit, I’m ashy!” I didn’t know anything about it. All I knew was that I always got itchy in the winter. Couldn’t figure it out. Always got itchy in the winter. Why the fuck do I get itchy? I thought it meant the bath towel was dirty. That’s what I thought. And I would change it out and put a fresh one. “Now I’m gonna be okay.” Take a shower. Dry off. Fucking itching again. God damn it, I hate the winter. See, that’s why you gotta hang out with everybody. [Laughter]
Yeah. There’s too much information in the world, and every group of people misses a little bit. White people totally missed the lotion seminar at some point in history. I don’t know if it’s ’cause we can’t see it, you know? Black people get ashy, it like looks like they, like, leaned up against a chalkboard or something, you know? They can see it! They miss it, their friends help ’em out. Like, “Look at your ashy motherfucking elbow! What is wrong with you?” Right? [Applause] We missed that shit the way black people missed the whole register your weapons summit. Right? Just never got the information. The amount of rappers who’ve been busted for the unregistered glock in the car just blows my mind. It’s like, why would you do that to yourself? Do you just wanna make an album over the phone? Is that what it is? Is that, like, the new auto-tune or some shit? I don’t know. It breaks my heart every time I see it. I just think, “God, if he just had one white friend… If he just had one white friend in his entourage…” Dude would have been sitting there going like, “Is that thing registered? You outta your mind? Dude, get it outta there. Get it outta there. Yeah, it’s illegal! That’s, like, fucking three to five, mandatory! Dude, how do you not know that? That’s the question. How do you not fucking know that? This guy’s got an unregistered weapon in the car, and we’re just gonna go driving around with it. It’s just… it’s just ridiculous!” [Laughter] So see? There ya go, all right? You don’t need a face-lift, okay? Lay off the booze. Do some cardio. Moisturize. You’re gonna be fine. Okay? Don’t believe in these myths. Black don’t crack. It’s bullshit. They all put lotion on, like, every 20 minutes during the day. It’s ridiculous! They all got a giant oil drum with the shit at home. Every morning, they wake up, they dunk themselves in it, shake themselves off, and walk out the door absolutely glistening! Glistening! White guys like me are walking around, no hat on… “Uh, let’s go sailing!” Passing out facedown in the sand. [Laughs]
Speaking of no boozing, man, I been really trying to clean up my act as far as that boozing thing goes. Just really been laying off it, you know? I don’t know what it is. Your fucking head gets big as you get older, you know? You keep boozing, you start getting that big Alec Baldwin / John Travolta head. And you don’t notice though, ’cause every day, you’re brushing your teeth and you’re seeing your head, and it’s just getting a little bit bigger. Keep drinking. “I’ll have another one” right? Then one day you go to take that cell phone picture, and you’re just, like, 6 inches in front of everybody else. You don’t think it’s a big deal. Maybe you leaned in, ’cause you’re feeling good, right? Then all of a sudden, you look at the picture. It’s like, “Fucking yeah! Whoo!” It’s like, “I gotta lay off this shit.”
So I’ve been trying to learn… learn how to fix shit around the house. That’s what’s filling up all this time of just being sober. That’s brutal, dude. You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober. It’s fucking brutal. So I’m learning how to fix shit, right? My girlfriend doesn’t like it ’cause she says I have a temper, you know? She’s like, “You know, it’s just not that you’re trying to fix things, it’s that you get frustrated, you punch the wall, the dog starts shaking. I just don’t think it’s a good idea. You know, you’re a comedian. You should tell jokes. He’s a plumber. He should plumb, right?” [Laughs] I’m trying to explain to her that losing your shit is part of the process of fixing something, right? Everybody does that. [Applause] Right? Yeah! You buy something at Ikea. You get halfway through putting it together. You’re like, “Dude, where the fuck is the fucking… oh, there it is. There it is. There it is. Honey, I didn’t see it. I didn’t see it! Why, you wanna put it together? You wanna… well, then you put it together. You put together this fucking particle board piece of fucking shit. These instructions make no sense! I will buy another one! I will buy another one. I’ll buy fucking five and smash four if I want to. Don’t tell me what to do! Oh, go to your mother’s. I don’t give a shit. Jesus Ch… yeah, what story you gonna tell? This one, right? Not the part about how I pay all the fucking bills, right? How was that uncalled for? How was that uncalled for? I wasn’t even talking to you! I was talking to the fucking thing! I was talking to the fucking thing! I know what I said. I know what I said, okay? You don’t need to tell me. I know what I said, yes. I am working on it. I am working on it, all right? Look… look, you think I wanna be this guy? You think I wanna be the guy who flips out about the fucking tables? I don’t, okay? This isn’t who I am. This is who I became, all right? I’m working through this shit. You didn’t have to speak… well, you do shit too, okay? You do shit too. Well, I thought you were going to your mother’s!” [Laughter]
No, it’s brutal. I hate having a temper, man. It’s fucking embarrassing. You know? I don’t know. I’m sick of women trying… every girl I ever date’s always trying to fix me. Gets annoying after a while, you know? Like you’re not out of your mind with all your fucking shoes? Right? What is that all about? I’m sick of this hypothetical perfect guy. Go get him. Go down to Applebee’s, let me know what you find. Okay? I’ve had it. I’m working, I’m trying. You go down and you get this “Mr. even-keeled all the time” with his little fucking sport coat, right? You live with that guy for a while, you know? “Hey, honey, I’m home. How are ya? Traffic was crazy. Almost lost it, but thank god I had that book on tape, right? Gulliver’s travels. Always a classic. Always a classic.” That’s the guy you want, straight across the board? Even in the bedroom, right? Always making love to you missionary style. “I love you. Your hair is like an ocean.” Never knowing you like to be flipped over and have your face mushed into the pillows, you fucking psycho, right? [Laughs] Naw, she’s right. She’s always right. I do, I gotta work on it. I hate having a temper, you know? I don’t know if it’s hereditary. I don’t know if it’s part of the country I’m from. I’ve always snapped, you know? My dad was like that. My dad‘s the greatest dude I ever met in my life, and he had a temper. Anytime anything broke in the house, five minutes into fixing it, he was bitching about his marriage. [Laughs] It was hilarious. He’d see something broke… “Oh, Christ, will you look at that? Goddamn it, Billy, gimme that fucking screwdriver. I swear to god, I don’t know what the fuck I ever got married for. 13 goddamn years of this shit. You’re a bitch, lady! You been a bitch for years. Give me the pliers. Yeah, most guys would’ve left by now! Most guys would’ve left by now!” [Laughs] That was one of his catchphrases: “Most guys would’ve left by now” and “You don’t know how fucking good you got it, lady!” [Laughter] Yeah, when I was a kid, I thought he was nuts. Then I got older, you know, started dating. I realized, “Eh, this guy’s making a lotta good points.” [Laughter, applause] “He’s not expressing them in the healthiest of ways.” I gotta be honest with you. I’m kinda, like, jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes, you know? Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on, you know? When did they stop making those angels who just knew it had nothing to do with them. They’d just sit there, let you blow out the lines, right? What a luxury… Right? To fail all day, you come home and download all your insecurities on this other person. “How was your day?” “How the fuck was your day? I’m out here making decisions! Take these kids away from me. Get me a goddamn drink. Oh, with the tears!” [Laughs] Then the bra-burning generation came in, right? Now you gotta sit there and listen to their stories all the time. Oh, it’s the worst. You know what’s the worst? Is when they’re telling you a story and you wanna listen, but just what they’re talking about, you can’t even retain it. “So I was supposed to go out to lunch with Jennifer. I’m all ready to do that. I show up. She’s there with Susan. She knows I hate Susan. I look like shit. Susan’s been going to the gym.” I mean, at that point, your head is like a newborn baby. You’re trying to… Trying to hold it up, you know? You can’t! Even if you try to pay attention, you can’t. You just start staring at their mouth after a while, like, “I can’t believe it keeps coming out. This is fucking unbelievable.” Like, “rrhh-rrhh-rrhh rrhh-rrhh-rrhh.” It starts fading off… “Eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh…” You start thinking about your own life, right? “Why’d I take Nebraska giving 28? What the fuck is wrong with me? It’s an away game.” All of a sudden, her voice goes “eehh-eehh… ” it goes up, all right? “Eehh-eehh-eet.” Like, “Aw, fuck. That was a question.” [Laughter, applause] All right, now what do you do? Can’t say yes. You can’t say no. You gotta come with something neutral. “Eh, what the fuck you gonna do? What are ya gonna do? It is what it is. You put one foot in front of the other, and, uh…” Halftime adjustments. Uh… Got nothing. [Laughs] No. I don’t wanna make my dad out like a psycho. My dad’s the best dude I know, man. But you know, I understand him, though. He’s like the exact opposite of me, you know? I planned out my life a little more, right? That’s why I never got married. Never thought about getting married. It just looked horrific. It looked really difficult. It looked like a lot of ’em failed. Then if you had a kid, you had that whole weird situation, right? You got this thing that half looks like you, half looks like somebody you used to love and now wanna slap the shit out of, right? Kid’s coming up to the walk. You’re like, “Son, just look to the right a little. Let me just kinda… ” “But, dad, I wanna look at ya.” [Laughs] It’s brutal! My dad was the exact opposite. Fell in love, got married, just started having kids. Had five kids by the time he was 33. Pre-Oprah, pre-Dr. Phil, pre- chicken soup for the “Holy fuck, I got five kids. I don’t even know who I am yet.” The pressure of that, feeding all those kids, man. I’m telling you. Every three or four days, he would just snap. Just snap outta nowhere, you know? “Can you pass the salt?” “Ah, you fucking bitch! What the fuck did I get married for, it’s bullshit!” Boom! he’d slam the door, have the car in third gear by the time he got it to the end of the driveway. Buh-buh-bah-bah! My mother would always do the exact same shit. Just lock the door behind him, turn around, look at the kids, and just be like… “Sss. eesh!” [Laughter] “Now, he’s just crazy. He’s just a crazy person. What is wrong with him?” Eight hours later, he’d show up. No apology. She’d have dinner ready. She messed it up, he’d give her a rough time. “Christ, you cooked the shit out of it!” [Laughs] I don’t know. I think I’ll be a good dad, though. You know? [Laughter] I do. [Laughs] No, analyze it. Actually, it’s finally come to the point, I wanna have a kid, and I don’t think it’s that hard. I don’t. Part of me really believes that, and the other part is I just like pissing off people with kids, you know? Whenever you say shit like that… “Dude, you have no idea how difficult it is!” This is a great one to say. “Well, I mean, I got a dog, I mean… You know? How much diff… ” “Dude, you can’t even fucking compare it to a dog!” “Yeah, I can. I just did, and I’ll do it again. Mine’s got four legs. Yours only has two. Go ahead. Yours bites someone, it gets a time out. Mine gets put down. Stakes are raised.” No, I think I know. I think I know how to raise a kid. You know what it is? You just play catch with ’em. I think that’s the big deal. That’s how you raise a kid. You play catch with ’em. And you just talk about life. You distract ’em by throwing the ball. They don’t even notice you’re filling their heads up with your theories. Right? You don’t do it the old-school way the way your parents used to. Sit down across from you… “You wanna tell me about your day? Did anybody offer you any drugs? You learning about sex?” You’re like, “Dude, you’re fucking freaking me out! Trying to eat a pop-tart here” right? No, you just take him in the back. You play catch with him. That’s it. You talk about life, right? “What’s that, son? Ah, we’re not going to church today. Fuck that. Ah, it’s all a bunch of bullshit. God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe ya money? Go fuck yourself. That’s stupid. It’s ridiculous. It’s in here, all right? It’s not down… it’s in here. They try to take it. It’s in here. You do something good, you feel good. You do something bad, you feel bad, you know? Unless you’re, like, a sociopath, then you don’t feel shit, you know? Unless you got somebody duct-taped upside down in your apartment, you know? If you do something like that, I want you to feel like you can come to me, you know? Yeah, come to me. Confess all of that. We’ll go down to the precinct. We’ll tell them everything. Yeah, I’m gonna turn you in. This isn’t fucking Dexter. What are you, out of your mind? Gonna have some feel-good serial killer walking around. He only kills the bad people.” [Laughter] “Listen, I know your mother and I, we’ve been arguing a lot lately, all right? But you know I love her. I love her to death, okay? It’s weird. I love her to death, but when I watch her eat toast, just wanna… I just wanna choke her. I don’t know what it is. It’s the routine… right, left, then the middle. Why don’t you just fold it in half and fucking eat it? You know what I mean? It’s unreal, you know? That’s when you know, you know, you met the right one. When you wanna slap the shit out of them, but you don’t. You know? You wanna leave, but you don’t. There’s something about ’em… You just can’t fucking leave. Right? So don’t settle down till you meet one like that. That’s when you know. Till then, you don’t put a condom on, you know? Just bang as many as you can so you don’t have a midlife crisis. That’s what you do. Don’t tell your mother I’m telling you any of this shit either.” [Laughing] [Cheers and applause] Yeah. That’s my, uh… That’s my game plan. You know, I do have a dog. That doesn’t count for anything? Never understood that, you know? I love my dog, but, uh… I’ve learned a lot being a dog owner, man, you know? Any dog’s a good dog unless you’re a psycho. You know? I got a pit bull. It’s still a great dog, unless you’re a fucking psycho. And evidently, I’m a psycho, because my dog has been… just been a complete maniac over the last, like, six months, you know? I didn’t realize that dogs feed off your vibes, you know? Like if you’re chillin’, they’re chillin’, you know? If you’re sleeping, they’re sleeping. But if you’re a psycho like me and you’re screaming at the ref on TV, being like, “Dude, you gotta be fucking kidding me!” I didn’t realize the dog was over in the corner being like, “Yeah, you gotta be fucking kidding me. This is bullshit! I don’t know what this guy’s mad at, but I love this guy! This guy feeds me… Is it the door? Are ya mad at the door?” [Laughter] Yeah. I had no idea I was amping this dog up. I’m so selfishly in my own world. I’d be like on the computer, it’d crash. “Oh, really? Really?!” Dog’s over in the corner with, like, a chew toy. [Growling] I never noticed, like, that game-seven look she was gettin’ on her face. And one day, I amped her up too much, had no clue, and I went outside. We were just walking down the street, and some poor bastard comes the other way and the dog’s like, That’s that motherfucker! Aaaahhh!” Lunges at this guy! I had to pull her back. I’m like, “Dude, I’m sorry, man, I’m sorry. She’s never done anything like that” right? Looking down at the dog like, “What’s wrong with you?” Dog’s looking up at me like, “Huh? I got that son of a bitch, didn’t I? I love you! You feed me. I got you. How the hell did you see him that far away, man? Your ears must be better than mine… it’s unbelievable.” Right? Then I got nervous. I got nervous around my own dog. I started thinking, “Fuck, are pit bulls really like this? Do they just go psycho? Man, this is nuts” right? That’s another bad vibe to have around your dog, ’cause they pick up on that vibe, right? This dude comes walking down the street, and I immediately just start thinking like, “Oh, shit, she gonna do it again? Oh, shit, oh, shit.” Dog just looks at me like, “Oh, shit, what? Oh, shit, what? Him? Him, him? Rrraaaah!” Runs at another guy. Gotta pull her back. “Jesus Christ, I’m sorry!” Looking down at the dog. Dog’s trying to chest bump me and shit, right? Dude, it got so bad one day, she almost ate a landscaper, right? Yeah! so I’m like, “I gotta take this thing to a trainer, man.” So I load it up in the Prius and I drive over there, right? [Laughter] Yeah, I have a Prius. Go ahead, judge me. I love that shit. If you have a Prius, people… you know? You can’t win. You got a truck with a big lift kit… people, “Oh, it’s probably ’cause he has a little dick.” How come it’s not ’cause he has a dick down to the floor? Maybe that’s why he needs all that clearance, right? [Laughter] You know? [Laughs] And if that means you have a little dick, then if I have a Prius, doesn’t that mean I have a huge dick, right? ‘Cause according to my friends, it means I’m a fag, right? Anyways… Let me towel off here for a moment. So I fucking take this dog down to this trainer, right? And I show up, got the dog in the back. Trainer comes out. He’s got his hat on backwards, he’s got stubble, you know? Big, large cargo pants, you know? All shorts on and stuff and I’m thinking, “This guy’s a psycho” right? And I look at my dog, my dog’s, like, sizing him up. I’m like, “This is perfect. He can handle her.” So the guy goes, “All right, when you hand this dog to me, make sure you got the leash totally taut like that, all right? Don’t have any slack in it.” I said, “No problem” right? And somehow I fucked up. I left a little slack in it, and this dog just lunged right at the dude’s balls. Right? And just barely missed him and just got a big mouthful of his big cargo shorts, right? And immediately he just grabs her and goes, “All right, get outta here! Get outta here!” Right? But instinctually, I tried to help out. He just goes, “Get the fuck outta here!” Yeah, I didn’t realize that the only reason why the dog was acting like that was because I was there and it felt like it needed to protect me. So the second I left, the situation immediately just became awkward, right? Dog was just sitting there like, [valley accent] “Okay, like I thought were, like, together and we were, like, friends, and you were some bad guy, and all of a sudden, he just drove away, and I don’t know how to feed myself. You wanna be friends?” Yeah, I come back four days later. The dog’s laying at the guy’s feet, right? He’s rubbing her belly. She’s reaching up, playing with his goatee and shit. And he goes, “Go ahead, have a seat. Why don’t you, uh, take me through your day with this dog.” Immediately, I started getting, like, this first 48 vibe, right? Like they’re coming at me. So I got like defensive. I’m like, “What do you mean? I take it for a hike every morning.” He goes, “That’s good. That’s good. Anything, you know, special happen on the hike?” I’m like, “Well, I don’t know. She takes a shit. I pick it up.” He’s like, “All right. Easy. You play any games with her?” I go, “Yeah, at the end of the hike. I let her, you know, for reward for going on the hike, I let her run up the stairs by herself. I go, ‘Go on, Cleo!’ I let her run up the stairs, and I count 5-1,000, and then I run up there, and then we start wrestling. Put her in a headlock. Sweep her front legs. Haaaah! Right? But her tail’s wagging, you know? She’s not growling.” I go, “That’s a good thing, right?” He’s like, “No, it’s fucking horrible.” I’m like, “Why?” He goes, “You just taught your dog to claim the house and then fight for it every fucking day after the hike. No wonder this thing’s trying to attack the mailman, you know?” So then I got upset. I’m like, “Wait a minute, dude, you’re telling me, like, I can’t even play with my dog?” He’s like, “No, you can play with it, but you gotta bring that energy back down. The problem is you keep amping this thing up, getting that Mike singletary look on his face. Then by the time you walk out, doesn’t matter if you’re relaxed… mentally, the dog is like walking through the tunnel at the Rose bowl like, ‘this is what we play for! somebody hit somebody!'” Yeah, so I’m actually learning to control my temper because of a fucking pit bull. So… I don’t know. My girl’s been bugging me lately. She’s ready to settle down. I think I’m ready to settle down, too, you know? I got the want. I know I been saying this shit for years. I have been, you know? She’s great. The only thing I don’t like is she’s really into reality TV. She watches all those dumb shows. Put ten whores in a house, somebody tries to find a wife. Right? She watches fat people cry about fudgsicles. Just blubbering their eyes out. “Sometimes I don’t even open the wrapper. I just start eating, and then I get down to the stick, and I know I should stop ’cause it’s made out of wood.” She sits there crying right along with ’em. Ah, throw yourself in the river, you fat fuck. Ah, she gets so mad at me. Look, I don’t put on TV to cry. I like to be entertained. I love when they fall on the treadmill and go flying into the drywall. It’s like some modern-day medieval weapon! I love it! All those horrific shows. Biggest fights we have, she watches, uh, intervention. – Yeah. – That’s, uh… you like that? “Oh, my god, it’s so awesome watching a family completely fall apart.” [Laughs] What is entertaining about that? When they have that classic before picture, the pre-meth picture… “She was so beautiful. She was the prom queen. Everybody loved her.” Then they cut to her, like, laying in, like, a gutter… “I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick.” [Laughs] No, we have these huge battles. You know what the maddest she ever got at me was? One time she was watching this show. It was like a poor excuse for The View, and they started talking about domestic violence, right? For the 9 millionth time this year, they’re talking about domestic violence. Just in case, you know, you didn’t get the memo, you know? Evidently, you know, just some people didn’t get it. It’s not okay to slam your wife’s head into the cupboard drawers because she didn’t dry the can opener off properly, you know? “It’s gonna fuckin’ rust!” Right? How do you not know not to do that shit? Do they really have to keep talking about it? Who… who… it’s like wife beaters are watching… “Oh! Fuck! Ah! “Now I get it. Upsy-Daisy, sweetheart. Here we go. There ya go. Oh…” So at the end of the hour, they come to the logical conclusion. They’re like, [effeminately] “There is no reason to hit a woman. There is no reason to hit a woman.” And I was just like, “Really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head. You could wake me from a drunken stupor, I could still give you, like, nine!” Dude, there’s plenty of reasons to hit a woman, you just don’t do it. But to sit there and suggest that there’s no reason… Dude, the level of ego behind that statement… What are you, levitating above the rest of us? You’re never annoying? Women, how many times have you thought about slapping your fucking guy in the head this week? – Every day! – There ya go! Every day. [Applause] You didn’t do it, right? Oh, dude, it drives me nuts. “There’s no reason. There’s no reason.” Really? No reason? How ’bout this? You marry a girl, you fall in love, you buy her a house. You go to work every day, paying off the house. You come home one day, she’s banging the next-door neighbor, hands you divorce papers. You gotta move out, sleep on a futon, and still pay for that house that she’s gonna stay in. No reason? [Laughter] I’m not saying you should do it, but there’s plenty of fucking reasons in that arc of a story. All right, that was a hypothetical. You want an actual story? I’ll give you one. I’ll give you one. All right, I fucked up my foot playing drums, trying to get my bass-drum foot as fast as John Bonham’s, ’cause I figure that’s a good thing to focus on. 43 years of age, never married, no kids. I figure this is gonna lead me to the light, right? This is what I need to do. [Applause] So I don’t know what I did. I felt like… I played for, like, an hour, and afterwards I felt like, literally, like there was some midget stabbing me in the bottom of my foot, right? Like I had lightning coming out of the bottom of my foot. So I did the typical guy thing: “I’m not going to the hospital. I’ll sleep it off. I’ll be fine” right? Next morning, I wake up, my foot’s even worse and I gotta walk my crazy dog. So I’m like, “I can’t do it. My foot’s killing me.” So I wake up my girl. I go, “Wweetheart, sweetheart. Can you do me a favor? Can you do me a favor? Can you walk the dog for me? Can you just take the shift? I’ll do your afternoon shift. Can you just do me this solid? Can you do this for me?” She’s just like, “Ohh… You know, I had a late night last night. I’m tired. I have a big day.” And I just go, “Fuck it.” She goes, “What do you mean, ‘fuck it’?” It’s like, “Why can’t you just say no? Why do you always gotta, like, waterboard me with, like, a 20-minute explanation that eventually winds its way around to ‘go fuck yourself’? Just say no!” So I’m just limping out of the room. “Whatever. Go back to bed. You got a big day, right?” So now I’m, like, limping down the street. I got, like, tourette’s. “Fucking goddamn bullshit!” Dog’s walking next to me… “Bbbrrr! Rrrr! Brrr! Rrrr!” I gotta admit, I got a little childish. I did. I got a little childish, you know? I was just thinking about my relationship. I’m like, “This is the relationship I’m in? You’re just gonna do whatever the hell you wanna do, all right, and fuck me? Fine. I’m gonna do whatever the hell I wanna do. I feel like listening to my iPod on full blast walking around the house. That’s what I’m gonna do.” So that’s what I did. Turned it all the way up, and I just… my whole plan was just to walk by her like I didn’t even know her. That was it. She came down the hall. I just ghosted her. Just walked right past her. Just trying to piss her off. And I gotta tell you something, worked like a charm. Worked like a charm. Yeah, hung my coat up, turned around. By the time I turned around, she was already yelling at me. But the music was so loud, not only could I not hear her, it actually looked like she was singing the song that I was listening to. Oh! It’s one of the highlights of the relationship. So I knew what she was saying. I was like, “Whatever. I don’t wanna talk about it. Leave me alone. I’m going on to the computer.” Right? So I limp over and I sit down, and unbeknownst to me she’s like, “No, we’re gonna talk about this right now.” Comes up… poom! And slaps the headphones off my head. I got big ears. It fuckin’ hurt! So I’m like, “Honey, leave me alone. I don’t wanna talk about it.” Put the headphones back on. She comes right back up again. Poom! slaps ’em off a little harder. This time, they spin halfway around my head. Caveman DNA starts coming up. Talking through my teeth. “Honey, leave me alone. Don’t wanna talk about it.” Right? Put ’em on. Third time she comes up… poom! Slaps ’em right across the room, and I snap. I’m like, “Fine, you wanna have the fight, let’s fucking have the fight.” She’s like, “We will discuss this later when you calm down.” Oh! right there! I just wanted to roll her up in her yoga mat and stuff her behind the couch. Just leave her there till she got thirsty. “Come on, let me outta here. I-I have a spin class. You’ve made your point. This is ridiculous.” No, that’s the thing. Really is. That’s the thing. I hate that, saying there’s no reason. Obviously, I’m not saying to hit a woman, you know? But saying there’s no reason, I think that’s crazy. [Laughter] When you say there’s no reason, that kills any sort of examination as to how two people ended up at that place. If you say there’s no reason… whooh… you cut out the buildup, you’re just left with the act. How are you gonna solve it if you don’t figure it out? Look how awkward it is in here right now. [Cheers and applause] I said you shouldn’t hit a woman. I’m just saying, how come you can’t ask questions? You can only ask questions about what the guy did. You can never ask about the woman. Why is that? Why is that? What is that? Answer him right. What does “Answer him right” mean? What does that mean? Are you the idiot who got up halfway through the special, during the bit, and you’re, like, walking around like I’m not fucking taping a special here? What’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with you? [Applause] Fucking had to ignore all of that, and now you’re gonna, like, yell out, and not only that, yell something that makes no fucking sense whatsoever? “Answer him. Answer him.” [Scattered tittering] Every fucking special I do, there’s always one! Always, right down the fuckin’ middle. Talking about hitting women, sweetheart, and I think you just added another reason. [Cheers and applause] Jesus fucking Christ. I love this. I’m not even in a relationship with her, and she’s fucking nagging me. [Laughter] Fucking unbeliev… “uhhh uhhhh ehhh ehhh ah!” [Scattered laughter] Look, I understand hitting a woman’s a bad thing, okay? How come you can’t fucking ask questions? I just don’t understand. Like, if I get bit by a rattlesnake, wouldn’t you guys have some questions, right? “How did it happen? Did you not see it? Were ya fuckin’ with it? How did a snake get so mad, it almost killed ya?” Firemen put out a fire, they don’t just drive away afterwards. They sift through the debris. “How did it start? Here’s an oily rag.” Right? Look, I realize I’m coming off pretty ignorant right about now. I realize that. Let me extend an olive branch then, okay? I realize that there’s some animal guys out there, okay? Horrible guys, you know, have a rough day at the factory, come home… “Tuna casserole?”… and just start swinging, all right? I’m not trying to say that those people don’t exist. I realize they exist. They should be buried underneath the prison, okay? So if I can admit that, ladies, can you at least admit that every ass-kicking doesn’t just fall out of the fucking sky? Really? Even hockey has two minutes for instigating, right? They understand that some back and forth happened before that shit… you know? You know what it is? It’s every case is handled like that Rihanna one where they just say the guy’s a piece of shit, fuck this guy, blah blah blah, send him to jail, and then they never ask anything about that. You know, I’m not saying he should have done it. But I’m just saying… I’m just saying! Dude, in your heart of hearts… What do you think was going down before that happened? You think she was just sitting there going, “Oh, my god, Baskin Robbins. You wanna get some ice cream?” [Muttering] “Ah… fuckin’…” You know? Or do you think maybe they were having some epic end-of- the-relationship fight and some crazy shit was being said. Maybe she was screaming in his ear some crazy female shit like, “I’ll fuck all your friends! I don’t give a fuck! Maybe that’s why I sell more albums than you, motherfucker!” Right? To be fair, she could have just been sitting there going, “I need a tissue… do you keep those in the glove box? Oh, my god, I’ll bring my own! I’ll bring my own!” No, fuck that. ‘Cause you know what it is? They never address how women argue, which I think is a core of a lot of that shit, you know? And I gotta tell you something, man. Like, I never knew how women argued, but after 20 years of losing every significant battle in a relationship, I finally figured out how they argued, and I’m gonna tell you something. I’m starting to turn this franchise around. [Laughs] I have begun a winning tradition. This is how they argue, as far as I can tell, all right? If they’re right, they argue the point, and they stay on point and make sure you stay on point until you’re down on your knees apologizing, begging for forgiveness, all right? No problem with that. Totally respect it. But here’s the thing… if they’re wrong, they go rogue. They go off-road. They start thinking of shit you’re sensitive about, maybe you don’t get along with your dad, and in their head, they just start concocting this evil statement… Totally designed. This desperate, hail-Mary attempt to make you so fucking mad you just call ’em a cunt. It’s what it is. And cunt trumps all the bullshit they did to start the argument. Now it’s not about that… “Well, that’s no reason to call me a cunt!” And then that’s it. You’re in this room now, right? My girl knows my big thing is… my big fear in life is to be that dude who grows old, you know, grows old alone, has, like, that basement apartment, just screaming up at the younger couple, “Turn it down! That isn’t music!” So I noticed that anytime she was losing a fight, out of nowhere she’d just be like, “Well, that’s why you’re just gonna grow old and be alone” and then I’d… aaaah! I’d lose my shit. The next thing you know, I’m in the kitchen, washing dishes for the ninth fucking time in a row. This is what the argument was about. I was so right. What happened? So if you learn anything from my ignorance tonight, just know this… next time you’re in a battle with your beautiful woman, your wife, girlfriend, whatever, and they start… out of nowhere, okay? You’re winning, and they just start saying that crazy shit out of nowhere. Just know in that moment you’ve won the fight, okay? All right? Don’t get mad. Bob and weave, slip all of that shit. “Maybe ’cause you got a little dick!” Just let that slide. Stay in the pocket of the argument. Okay? it’s over. The argument is over. You’ve won. Just take a knee and run out the clock, all right? [Applause] Yes! Lean on the ropes. Let ’em punch themselves out. And then in the end, you throw their psychology right back at ’em. “Well, maybe we should discuss it later when you calm down.” And they won’t hook up with you for a couple of days. Who cares? Who cares? You rub one out. Rub one out like a man. It’s the champagne of victory. [Laughter and applause] No, that’s what I’ve learned. I finally learned to, like, keep my cool in my relationship. Happened a couple years ago, right? Me and my girl had this big argument one day, right? Actually, you guys wanna hear a story? You wanna hear about the time my girl punched me in the face? – Yeah! – On her birthday? Ya wanna hear that one? [Audience whooping] This is what happened. To be… [Laughs] If I’m really honest, the fight started, like, three months earlier. It’s, like, the middle of march. We’re just driving around, you know. Since she sees this clothing store, she’s like, “Oh, my god. I didn’t know they had one of those out here! We need to stop and go in there.” So I… fuck it. Let’s go in there. I walk in, immediately I see it’s one of these stores that doesn’t have any chairs. I know what they’re trying to do. I’m gonna be standing right next to her, and when she likes something, I gotta buy it. I don’t give a fuck. I’m not playing that. I go over and I sit down underneath a mannequin. Got like the dress hanging in my hair. “Sir, you can’t sit there.” “I don’t give a fuck. Looks like I’m doing it. Looks like I’m doing it, right?” [Laughs] So unbeknownst to me, she finds some sweater that she likes, right? Some ridiculously priced… like, 400 bucks or some shit like that, right? So she knows… It’s not her birthday, none of that crap. She can’t ask me for it. So now she’s gotta go into manipulation mode. “What do I use, what do I use? Do I be sad, do I pout? Do I use sex? Can’t do that.” You know what she went with? She went with the little girl. All right, she just came out, and she’s just like… [Laughter] I’m like, “What’s up?” She’s like, [pouty] “Saw something that I liked.” [Laughter] And I just wanted to be like, “Well, then why don’t you fucking pay for it?” Ha ha ha! So she goes over and she shows it to me, right? And I’m like, “It’s 400 bucks.” She goes, “Can you get it?” I go, “No. I’m not doing that. Fuck that. It’s not your birthday. It’s not Valentine’s day. It’s march. What, do I get you that for St. Patrick’s day? Get the fuck outta here. I’m not doing it.” [Laughs] So then what happened, we’re driving home, and somehow she manipulated the argument… not that she asked for the sweater and not that I said no… it was the way I said no, right? Got in this huge argument. Got so mad by the time we got back to the house, I just told her to get out, I’m driving away. So I just drove away in the Prius… whoosh. Right? So I was so fucked up about it, I had to call my sister up, right, call her up to get a female perspective. She’s laughing her ass off going, “You took all the bait. You’re an idiot.” I go, “What do I do? She goes, “Why don’t you go back down to the store and just buy the sweater, hold onto it, and give it to her a few months later for her birthday?” And I’m like, “Fucking genius! Genius!” I hate the pressure of the birthday, all her friends… [Effeminately] “So… What are you getting her? What are you gonna get her?” “Fucking sweater, bitch.” Bam! That’s it. Got it. All right? Fast-forward three months. It’s her birthday, right? I’m laying in bed, she wakes up, she wanted to go to some restaurant that night. She’s like, “Did you make the reservations?” I’m like, “I haven’t made ’em yet, but we’ll, you know, we’ll be good, right?” She starts freaking out. “What do you mean? It’s my birthday. What do you mean you didn’t make… didn’t make the reservations?” I’m like, “Wweetheart, it’s a Tuesday in the middle of a recession. I’m sure there’s gonna be a table” right? So she starts freaking out. In the back of my head, I’m like, “I got this sweater. I’m good, right?” So the more she yells at me, the funnier it becomes to me, but like an asshole, rather than laughing to myself, I sort of snickered out loud, right? Sort of giggled a couple times, and she just snapped, like, “Are you laughing at me? Are you laughing at me on my birthday?” And then the more she yelled, the more I laughed. The more I laughed, the more she yelled, and it was just this vicious fucking thing all the way up, right? She got all the way to the point she was standing at the back door going, “You gonna laugh at me on my birthday? Fuck you!” Boom! Slams the door. Duh-duh-duh-duh. Runs down the stairs. At that point, I’m literally in the fetal position, like, dying laughing, walking towards the bathroom. Then all of a sudden I hear, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! She came back up the stairs. And I’m not gonna lie to ya, I got a little scared for half a second. Nah, I did. I was in my underwear, I was feeling vulnerable. She comes flying into the bathroom, and the second I saw her face, I knew she was gonna hit me. Right? And I’m such an asshole, I actually have a game plan for when a woman’s gonna hit you. Like that’s how many women I’ve pissed off in my lifetime. I actually know it’s going down. This is how it is. Most women, they’re flailers. All right, unless they had some sort of MMA training, then you’re on your own. You’re probably gonna catch a few, right? But most of them are flailers. Most are right-handed. So you gotta guess overhand right. That’s the first thing you gotta guess. So you get down in the pocket, right? That overhand right comes in. Bam! You catch that wrist. Second the right’s coming, you know the left’s coming. Bam! You catch that one. This is the crucial moment. Second you got the right, the next, then you got the left, immediately, you gotta step back, and you gotta go like this. [Cheers and applause] ‘Cause she’s gonna try to kick you right in the balls. As she kicks you, then you spin ’em around, tuck your head down low, ’cause they will try to headbutt you, and then you just use the weight of your torso to slowly bring ’em down to the floor as you whisper sweet things: “Oh, look at the tiles. Remember you picked those out? They go so well with the wallpaper.” Right? [Applause] But she tricked me. She came into the bathroom. She invented this new punch. She didn’t throw a right. She didn’t throw a left. She came up with this two-fisted… I called it, like, the defibrillator, right? She caught me in the shoulder and, like, in my appendix, just fuckin’… wham! Like that. Almost went flying back into the bathtub. And I caught myself, and she’s all ready for me to take the bait and flip out. I didn’t. I just remained calm. I was just like, “Sweetheart… I think you need to go to work now.” She didn’t know what to do. She was like…[Panting] And she just walked out. All right? Went down to the car, drove to work. I walked out in the kitchen. I got some cheerios. Sat down and started watching sportscenter. [Laughs] Fucking three minutes later, all of a sudden the phone rings. All right, pick up the phone and I just hear her going, [stiffly] “Hi. Okay. things got a little crazy.” I’m like, “A little crazy? You almost split my head open in the goddamn tub.” “I’m sorry, I’m just… I’m passionate.” That’s what they say when they start swinging. “I’m passionate. I just have so much love for you… I try to cause you to have a seizure.” I don’t know. I’m good at this. I fuck up my personal life all the time now. I really do, you know? I’m afraid to get married, man. Why would… as… what man wouldn’t be afraid to get married at this point? Look at Kobe. Look at the shit he’s going through right now. All right? Guy’s getting a divorce. His wife’s gonna get 70 million bucks. Never hit a layup in her life. You know? Can anybody explain… These divorce settlements? Can anybody make sense of these fucking things? Tiger Woods’s wife… $250 million! She’s a babysitter worth 1/4 of a billion fucking dollars! Somebody, go ahead… somebody explain… justify it. Justify it. What, what? He cheated on her? I don’t give a fuck! Yeah, I don’t give a fuck. He cheated on her. Great. The relationship’s over right then. Kobe cheated, right? Shouldn’t that relationship have been over right then? Why did she hang around like some jaded cop for three years, trying to get her fucking pension, right? Get that ten years in? [Laughs] I don’t know. Maybe that’s too harsh. That shit bothers me, man. Dude, there is an epidemic of gold-digging whores in this country. [Laugher, applause] And every night I put on the news, and I’m waiting for someone to address it. Every night. Never see it, you know? And every night I bring up gold-digging whores, and the whole crowd pulls back like I’m up here talking about bigfoot, right? Like I’m saying the moon’s made out of cheese or something. Talking about whores, people! They’re everywhere! How many? How many more great men are gonna get chopped in half before we do something? Why is it so quiet in here? [Laughter] Goddamn! I don’t get it. What is it… women, do you think I’m calling you… I’m not calling any woman here a whore, okay? So don’t pull back. That’s not fair, okay? If you brought up wife beaters, I wouldn’t… uhh… pull back. I get it. There’s guys hitting women. They need to be stopped. We gotta understand that gold-digging whores are the wife beaters for men. Yeah, they are. Except we don’t have that Rihanna lumped up photo in the end, so it’s not obvious. It’s in the eyes. It’s in the lines in your face. It’s in Mel Gibson’s high-pitched voice on the answering machine: “I had to give up my laker tickets!” Right? That is the sound of a man being taken for everything he’s got. I gotta tell you, I’m envious of women, okay? I’m not saying your problems get solved, but at least they’re taken seriously. You know? You got 1-800 numbers, you got ribbons, there’s groups. People give a shit. Anything happens to a guy, it’s just considered funny. Some woman cut her husband’s dick off, threw it in the garbage disposal, and turned it on. People thought it was hilarious! They were, “Ahhhh! Hey, stumpy!” Nobody cares. Do you think if a guy removed a woman’s titty and threw it in the dryer, anybody would be joking about it the next day? The entire country would grind to a halt. There’d be a moment of silence. The NFL would have some special-colored headband everybody had to wear for an entire month. The most effeminate color they could possibly come up with.
All my heroes are going down. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another great man. Another great man. Taken down by that gold-digging whore of a maid he’s got. And I’m not saying he’s not a piece of shit for doing what he did… it was a piece of shit move… but how come only he got chastised? What about the maid? Why was she called the maid that entire story? She was never called a whore. Ever. Just boggles my mind. She knew his wife, first-name basis. Played with their kids, fucked her husband in their own goddamn bed. That’s right down the checklist… first ballot hall of fame whore. Right there. [Applause] Never. Why do you think she hooked up with him? Because of that 1987 flattop he’s still rockin’? The giant space between his teeth I could put this mic cord through? Or do you think maybe it’s all that Kindergarten Cop money laying around the goddamn bedroom? Oh, it’s awful. It’s a horrific thing to see as a guy… watching guys go through that shit, you know? And then there’s no sort of examination of it. They just go, “Ah, he’s an idiot. Eh, he’s stupid.” That guy’s stupid? If that guy’s stupid, what the fuck am I, right? Ha. Does it even make sense? Why would you do that? Why would you accomplish all that and then fuck it up hooking up with one of the ugliest human beings I’ve ever seen in my life? I’m not saying I’m a prize. I’m just saying, you know? [Scattered titters] It’s gotta be something beyond that, right? You know what I think it is? I think it comes down to the way he talks, you know? [Grunting gibberish with accent] That dude should be unloading trucks in Transylvania. That should have been the height of his success. But because he’s a great man, he had the balls to move to America, became famous for lifting weights. I lift weights. Nobody gives a shit. He lifts weights… “Aah, aah, aah!” Becomes super famous. Did he rest on his laurels? No. Next challenge: “I’m gonna become an actor despite the fact that nobody can really understand me.” Against all odds, he starts making movies. “Get down! There’s a bomb. Get out of there!” [Laughter] Becomes one of the biggest blockbuster stars of all time. “What are you gonna do next, Arnie?” “I think I’ll marry a Kennedy.” “There’s no fucking way you can do that.” Bam! he does it. Cherry on top. I’m running for governor of a state I can’t even pronounce, and he wins the election. Why wouldn’t this guy think he couldn’t bang his maid in his own bed and get away with it? This dude has been in the zone for over four decades! Four decades… nothin’ but net. Bang a maid in my own bed? Dude, that’s a layup. Are you serious? I had a hit movie with a midget. I don’t even need a condom. [Silly voice] Uhhh, uhhh, uhhh, uhhh! Right? And then what happens? The smoke clears. Then all these trolls come out of the woodwork and start judging this great man. All these fatties, these fucking old guys who never got any with their jowls. Coming on TV… [blubbery voice] “Absolutely reprehensible behavior. What kind of a public servant… His legacy is… ” [Gibberish] [Laughs] Like they have any idea what it’s like to be tempted at that level, right? Like they have groupies as they waddle out to their Mercury Tracer parked on the other side of a dumpster. Really? You’re beating them off? This guy, he’s not a great man anymore? Terminator doesn’t count? Is that what the fuck you’re telling me? ‘Cause he fucked Alice? Really? He’s still not a great man because he did that, then the whole thing’s over? Anybody here think they could move to Austria, learn the language, become famous for working out, then be a movie star, then marry into their royalty, and hold public office? How many lifetimes would you need… I’m on my third attempt at Rosetta Stone Spanish. All right? How can I judge these guys? I can barely handle the temptations of Facebook. I’m gonna judge Tiger Woods? I golf. I don’t walk off the 18th hole, and there’s a busload of Scandinavian women waiting to fuck my brains out. “Sorry, ladies, gotta go home to the wife” right? No, it kills me. And there’s no help out there for guys. There isn’t.
There’s nothing out there to help you handle becoming rich and famous. There’s nothing to prepare you for that platoon of whores that’s gonna form on the horizon, right? Like Braveheart… faces painted, skirts on. We’ll run down the hill. They’ll jump on your dick in front of your wife. They don’t give a shit. There’s not even a handbook out there. I saw one article written about it on the cover of Time Magazine. It said, “Why do so many rich, famous, and powerful men act like absolute pigs?” Right? And the article was actually written by a woman. That’s like me writing a book, The third trimester and what to expect. Ladies, you’re gonna feel a pressure… how the hell would I know? You don’t wanna hear that from me, right? Then why is this woman telling me what it’s like to have a dick? That makes no sense. You have no idea what it’s like to have a dick. 24/7… “Do it, do it, fuck it, do it.” That’s what it’s saying. “Do it, do it! Yeah, do it!” That’s how we survived as a species. Every man in here is programmed to fuck 85% of the women in this room. Right? Yeah, we are. “Do it, do it, fuck it, do it” you know? It’s just that you won’t. That’s the only reason why we don’t, you know? That’s not you keeping your dick in check, you know? Some guy at home depot, working there, he wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity, right? But he can’t do it. ‘Cause whores don’t care about lumber, right? [Laughs] But the second he hits the fucking lottery, all of a sudden that, “Do it, do it, fuck it, do it” you know, that wasn’t affecting his life, then all of a sudden these whores show up… “I’ll do it, I’ll suck it, I’ll do it” right? [Laughs] No, somebody’s gotta step up, all right? I’m not even blaming whores, really. Just… guys, we’re fucking idiots. What are we doing? Why are we working so hard and then giving it all away to some chick who did three shifts at a fucking Hooters, you know? They’re fucking bums sitting there with fucking dorito dust in their cleavage walking around with hundreds of millions of dollars. I’m sick of this. “That’s what the law says.” A hundred years ago, I could beat you with a fucking mop handle and be like, “That’s what the law says.” Doesn’t make us right. No, it’s unreal. And all this shit’s going down, and we’re not doing anything. What are we doing? Same old shit. Sitting around watching shark week, right? Watching shit about poisonous snakes half a world away. Just filling your head up with all this useless information. What to do if you come face to face with a bengal tiger. Don’t look at it, don’t look away. Slowly back up as you push your friend forward. Right? All this useless information, yet hanging between your legs is this thing that could crumble your entire empire… seven minutes or less. Don’t know a fucking thing about it. Even worse, you think it’s your friend. Yeah, you know why? ‘Cause your dick’s like a dreamer, you know? Your dick believes. It’s like a motivational speaker. I don’t give a shit what question you ask it. It’s always like, “Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Sounds like a plan! Exit strategy… later! We’ll be fine!” Where’s your dick when you get caught, right? It’s just slumped over like, “Yeah, I thought it was a good idea.” Yeah. You have to know that. Dude, if your dick was a third base coach, it wouldn’t hold anybody up. It’d just be fucking waving people around. “Everybody, go in standing up! “You got it, you got it. Aw, shit, here she comes. Slide, slide, slide!”
All right, you guys were awesome. Thank you so much for coming out. I hope you had as good a time as I did. Thank you! [Cheers and applause] [Inaudible speech] [Crowd chatter]