2018-07-15T14:01:21+00:00April 1st, 2017|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , , |
  • Jim Jefferies - Bare (2014)

Comedian Jim Jefferies breaks down the absurdity of America’s obsession with guns in his Netflix special BARE (2014)

by Jim Jefferies

I’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit. Uh… Gun control. Now… No, wait. Before you… Don’t get excited because the other people have guns. The anti-gun people are like, “Yeah! Do it, Jim!” No, let’s just… [Shushes] Now, before I start saying this, I wanna say this, right? I believe in your right as Americans to have guns. I’m not trying to stop you from having guns. All I’m saying is this is my personal belief on the opinion. My opinion on the… Oh, it doesn’t matter. I don’t like guns, right? I’m gonna say some things that are just facts, right? In Australia, we had guns, right? Right up until 1996. In 1996, Australia had the biggest massacre on Earth. It still hasn’t been beaten. And… Now, after that, they banned the guns. Now, in the 10 years before Port Arthur, there was 10 massacres. Since the gun ban in 1996, there hasn’t been a single massacre since. I don’t know how or why this happened, uh… Maybe it was a coincidence, right? Now, please understand that I understand that Australia and America are two vastly different cultures with different people, right? I get it. In Australia, we had the biggest massacre on Earth, and the Australian government went, “That’s it! No more guns!” And we all went, “Yeah, all right, then. That seems fair enough, really.” Now, in America, you had the Sandy Hook massacre where little, tiny children died, and your government went, “Maybe… we’ll get rid of the big guns?” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my guns!” [Whooping] So, here’s where it gets confusing, right?

Now, as I said, I am all for your Second Amendment rights. I think you should be able to have guns. It’s in your constitution. What I am not for is bullshit arguments and lies. There is one argument and one argument alone for having a gun, and this is the argument… “Fuck off. I like guns.” It’s not the best argument, but it’s all you’ve got. And there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I like something. Don’t take it away from me.” But don’t give me this other bullshit. The main one is, [In American accent] “I need it for protection. I need to protect me. I need to protect my family.” Really? Is that why they’re called “assault rifles”? Is it? I’ve never heard of these fucking “protection rifles” you speak of. Protection? What the fuck are you talking about? You have a gun in your house, you’re 80% more likely to use that gun on yourself, than to shoot someone else. And people think, “Well, that’d never happen to me.” You don’t know that, because you know what?

♪ From time to time We all get sad ♪
♪ One day you’re happy Then you’re sad ♪
♪ And then, uh-oh ♪

Protection. I had a break-in in Manchester, England, where I was tied up, I had my head cut. They threatened to rape my girlfriend. They came through the window with a machete and a hammer, and Americans always go, [In American accent] “Well, imagine if you had a gun.” And I’m like, “All right. I was naked at the time. I wasn’t wearing my holster. I wasn’t staring at the window waiting for cunts with machetes to come through.” What world do you live in where you’re constantly fucking ready? You have guns ’cause you like guns! That’s why you go to gun conventions! That’s why you read gun magazines! None of you give a shit about home security. None of you go to home security conventions. None of you read Padlock Monthly. None of you have a Facebook picture of you behind a secure door going, “Fucking yeah!” Like you’re going to be ready if someone comes into your house. You have it at all fucking times. By the way, most people who are breaking into your house just want your fucking TV! You think that people are coming to murder your family? How many fucking enemies do you have? Jeez, you think a lot of yourself if you think everyone’s coming to murder you. See, if you have it readily available, it becomes unsafe. You have it in your bedside table, one of your kids picks it up, thinks it’s a toy, shoots another one of your kids. Happens every fucking day, but people go, “That’d never happen in my house ’cause I’m a responsible gun owner. I keep my guns locked in a safe.” Then they’re no fucking protection! Someone comes into the house, you’re like, “Wait there, fuck-face! Oh! You’ve come to the wrong house here, buddy boy. I tell you what. I’m gonna fuck you up! Okay. Is it 32 to the left or 32 to the right? Your mother’s birthday? Why the fuck would I know your fucking mother’s birthday? Maybe if you didn’t leave the window open [In whining voice] ‘because it’s too hot in here,’ we wouldn’t be getting fucking murdered, right?”

I find the NRA to be hard work. The fact that they always think the answer is more guns. After Sandy Hook happened, the NRA said, and I quote, “None of this would have happened if the teachers had guns.” I… I think they’re forgetting what school was like. Does anyone remember that casual teacher that used to… Whenever she came into school, that relief teacher came, you and your friends would see her and go, [Chuckling] “Oh, we’re gonna make her cry.” And then she’d stand in front of the class with a bit of chalk and her hands would be shaking, and you’d go, “You’re never getting married, are you, Miss? Never gonna happen for you.” Then she’d get back to her 1967 Volkswagen Beetle, and she’d be crying over the steering wheel, just, “Why don’t they like me?” Let’s give that cunt a gun and see how things work out! [Audience cheering] And then they go, “Oh, well, answer to that, we’ll just add more guns.” They go, “We’ll put an armed security guard at every school across America.” Yeah, that’ll work out. The average security guard in America earns $16 an hour. Not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero! Someone comes onto the school and… [Mimicking machine gun] And you’ve got Kevin. Now, I’m sure Kevin’s shit-hot at Call of Duty, but it might not fucking cut it, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, I understand that when I’m doing this joke in this room, 50% of you agree with me, 50% of you don’t agree with me, and I do respect the people who don’t agree with me. Don’t think I don’t. Out of the 50% that don’t agree with me, 20% of those people are smart enough to realize this is a comedy show and it’s not to be taken seriously, and they’re laughing along ’cause it’s just funny jokes, right? And then the next 20%, have sort of phased out a little bit. They’re looking around, going, “Wonder how they got that chandelier up there?” And then… there’s the last 10%. And they’re fucking furious. Right now, in this room and the people watching at home… 10% of you are fucking seething. Just… And for a couple of reasons. First reason, I’m making good points. [Audience cheering] Second reason. Second reason. Second reason, and this is the big one, I’m foreign… and that’s pissing the fuck out of you right now, and your brain is on a loop and you can’t fucking turn it off, and it’s just going around in a circle, and you’re just going, “If you don’t like it, go home! If you don’t like it, go home!” And my answer to that is, “No.” I came here legally. I pay my taxes. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Your First Amendment means that I can say the Second Amendment sucks dicks. And… unless you’re an American Indian, you’re a fucking immigrant as well, so fuck off. People get so precious about it.

I understand that to Americans, your constitution is very important. I respect it, but please understand that every country has one as well. It’s no more special than any other constitution. We have one in Australia. I don’t know what it says. I’ve never seen it. If there’s a problem, we’ll check it, but everything’s going fine. And don’t get me wrong. I get that the constitution is important to you. I have had… Fucking, I get it, right? I’ve had people come up to me in my face and scream at me in car parks as I’m leaving the theater, going, [In American accent] “You cannot change the Second Amendment!” And I’m like, “Yes, you can. It’s called an ‘amendment.'” If you can’t change something that’s called an “amendment”, see, many of you need a thesaurus more than you need a constitution. And if you don’t know what a thesaurus is, get a dictionary and work your way forward. Don’t think your constitution is set in stone. You’ve changed things before. You used to have prohibition in there, right? And then people were like, “Hey, who likes getting fucked up? Yeah, I like getting fucked up, too. Let’s get that one out. Let’s get that one out.”

You used to have this other thing in America called, uh… slavery! And then Lincoln came along and went, “That’s it. No more slaves!” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my slaves!” And the same bullshit arguments came out that you have with guns. “Why should I have my slaves taken off me? I’m a responsible slave owner. I’m trained in how to use my slaves safely. Just because that guy mistreated his slaves doesn’t mean that my rights should be taken away from me. I… I use my slaves to protect my family! I keep my slaves locked in a safe!”

That’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me? I’ve done nothing wrong.” Look, I agree with you. If you’re a responsible gun owner and you don’t fuck around with them, then you should be allowed your guns. You really should. But that’s not how society works. We have to play to the 1% that are such fuckwits they ruin it for the rest of us. We have to walk as slow as our slowest person to keep society fucking moving, right? I take drugs like a fucking champion, right? [Audience cheering] We should all be allowed to take fucking drugs, but we can’t, can we? Because Sarah took drugs and she stabbed her fucking kids. Oh! “Oh, thanks, Sarah. You fucked it up for everyone.” Right? Everyone should be allowed to drive their car as fast as they can do it, right? But we can’t because Jonathan got drunk and ran over a family. “Thanks, Jonathan! Now I have to drive at 30, you fucking idiot!” See, that’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me, I’m responsible, just because that guy’s crazy?” Who’s to say you’re not crazy? That’s the thing about crazy people. They don’t know they’re crazy. That’s what makes them crazy. The only thing you know for sure on this Earth is, “I think, therefore I am.” You know that you exist.

Anything past that is open to interpretation, right? You know you exist and that’s it. Right now, I think I’m in Boston talking to 1,200 people. That’s what I think I’m doing, but there is a good to fair chance that I’m in a mental home, standing in front of a white wall, going, [Slurring speech] “I hate guns. I hate guns. I hate guns.” [Audience applauding]

See, one of the better arguments is, “Well, if you take the guns away, then only the criminals will have guns.” Not true. When they banned the guns in Australia, it worked. When they banned them in Britain, it worked, okay? The Bushmaster gun that the kid was gonna use in Sandy Hook costs, like, $1,000 American and you can buy it in Walmart. It’ll be delivered to your house. That’s it, man. 1,000 bucks, right? That same gun in Australia on the black market costs $34,000. Now if you have $34,000, you don’t need to be a criminal. You’ve got $34,000. You’re a great little saver. Keep going. So that covers the criminals, but that doesn’t cover the people who wanna murder your family, that are coming after you and your family. It kind of does. The people who do the massacres, it covers them ’cause they go… The kid at Colorado who thought he was The Joker, let’s say that he had some social issues. The kid at Sandy Hook was Asperger’s as fuck. Right? I don’t know if you know a lot about the black market, but you can’t just rock up at the docks going, [Slurring speech] “Guns! Who wants to sell me a gun?”

Now, I’m gonna wrap this up. We won’t talk about it anymore. Now… See, the one thing that I do really agree with with the right to bear arms, I really agree with… That the real reason it was written was so that you could form a militia to fight against a tyrannical government. In case the government became a bunch of cunts, you could all get your guns and fight back, and that’s why it was written. – [Audience cheering] – Yeah! And that made a hell of a lot of sense when it was just muskets. But you do know the government has drones, right? You get that? You’re bringing guns to a drone fight! If we went back to muskets, I’m all for it! Keep the Second Amendment. If we all have muskets… Muskets are awesome! Every cunt should be carrying a musket with him at all times. You know what’s good about the musket? It gives you a lot of time to calm down. Someone calls your wife fat, and you’re like, “Fuck you, buddy! Ah, you’re not a bad guy. You’re all right.”



  1. old geezer 21/07/2017 at 19:45 - Reply

    Anything a good God-fearing American wants to do is all right, because God personally handed me a new Glock 23 with extended magazine and Talon grips. I’m working on my script for the greatest movie ever, “Rambo and Billy Jack Versus Ted Nugent and Scott Baio”, cause I follow the T shirt motto, “No Attrition, No Morale.”

    • autumn 05/10/2017 at 19:56 - Reply

      holy cow that actually will be the greatest movie ever made

    • Pat 03/06/2018 at 21:41 - Reply

      I know. “Ban and confiscate all guns” is only going to leave the law abiding unprotected.

      Look at Australia, it has more murder and more mass murder than my home state of new Hampshire, where there is virtually no gun control. Eight kids in Australia killed in a mass murder about two years ago and seven killed in a mass murder in Australia this year. In my state we haven’t had a mass murder in in a decade.

      Younger people in the US oppose bans, bans like in Australia are only supported by geezers.

  2. AnrgyWaffleIron 02/10/2017 at 19:31 - Reply

    Some points are actually good. He makes a true point

  3. Anirudha 27/10/2017 at 01:03 - Reply

    wht a fucken legend

  4. mark nevels 04/11/2017 at 16:53 - Reply

    fuck this dude if doesnt want guns do buy them .but dont tell me i cant thjnk for myself my guns have sat right where they r for years never hurting nobody. new york terrorist ran over killing 8 people on bike road recently . maybe we should stop renting trucks at home depot we cant be trusted. why stop with guns . all sharp objects … vehicles anything that has been known to be used as a weapon of killin people. london attacker killed 7 with knives. gotta get rid of those knives to humans cant think for themselves we need everything taken frlm us. because A MUSE MAKES SO MANY GOOD POINTS. AND AUSTRALIA IS SO PERFECT. OVER HERE IN AMERICA WHERE HALF THE POPULATION THINKS ITS OK TO TAKE A PISS ON THE FLAG ( kneeling) . i love my guns i cant afford body guards and if want to carry cash on me to buy trucks or cars etc. then i will be carrying a firearm i dont care IF ALL THEY WANT IS MY TV JIM JEFFRIES . ILL SEND THEM TO UR HOUSE SINCE U HAVE NO PROBLEM GIVING YOUR POSSESSIONS TO CRIMINALS. SOUNDS TO ME LIKE JIM JEFFRIES KNOWS HIS ASSAILANTS WILL BE DUE FOR RELEASE ON GOOD BEHAVIOR AND HE WANTS THEM TO KNOW HE ISNT UPSET SO IT DOESNT HAPPEN AGAIN LOL . CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG BUT NOW U HAVE MONEY AND UR SOMEWHAT FAMOUS.. PRETTY GOOD TARGET FOR A REPEAT OFFENDER… BUT SINCE ALL THEY WANT IS YOUR TV. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT SINCE U DONT NEED GUNS… JIM JUST GO AHEAD AND UNPLUG THE TV. AND ASK THEM TO CLOSE WINDOW ON WAY OUT. ( ME I WILL CHOOSE TO PROTECT MYSELF LEGALLY AND PROSPER BECAUSE I LOVE THE MATERIAL THINGS I WORKED MY ASS OFF FOR. I WOULD PREFER TO KEEP THEM)

    • Dave Lincoln 24/11/2017 at 12:01 - Reply

      It’s clear from your response;

      1) You have an aggressive personality with clear anger management issues
      2) Your lack of intelligence limits your ability to make rationale arguments or decisions

      Both strong reasons why, in a civilized society, you should not be trusted with a gun. Thankfully, as JJ mentions, you are as likely to kill yourself as anyone else simply by the fact that you have a gun at home. Fingers crossed, hey.

      • Max C. 08/03/2018 at 15:50 - Reply

        Let tell you about an episode that occurred to me back then in 2011.

        First off, i live in Italy, a country with strict gun law, you can have a gun in your house but you can never carry it outside

        The thing is, my gun saved my life.

        I had an argument with this Albanian dude, back then in 2011, we were working out in the gym and at a certain point we were talking, when i realize that it’s late and i say to him “sorry, we’ll continue tomorrow, i really have to go”. The fucker took it on a personal level for reasons i just can’t see, and he threatened me, he said “the next time you talk to me, i will beat the shit out of you”.

        I seriously don’t understand why he got offended, since there was nothing offensive in the fact that i ran out of time.

        Since i can’t stand bullies i told him “oh yeah? Then go ahead right here right now” and when he tried to attack me i knocked him out.

        I was stronger than him, and people in the gym testified that he was the one who attacked me, when the cops came.

        Do you want to know the problem? That guy is a sore loser and didn’t accept the ass whooping, and said that it would have make me pay for what i did. I said that to the police but they couldn’t do anything about it, it’s not like they can arrest a guy for that, and they couldn’t give me a personal bodyguard either.

        Ok, do you know what happened? One night, when i was returning to my home, he blocked my car and 5 albanians (him included)busted out of the car with bats and chains, ready to beat me into oblivion. And you know what? They would have done it, because, even if one on one i could have beaten all of them without efforts, there was no way that i could beat them all together.

        Luckily i had foreseen that outcome and i got out of my home with my weapon concealed in those days (because even if italian laws don’t allow it, i preferred to be able to defend myself, since i knew that i was in danger) and when i pointed my gun at them and told them to drop their weapons and lie on the ground, they were shit scared and they drop their weapons and run away with their car like little pussies

        If i hadn’t had my weapon they would have really hurt me, if not killed me.

        Later i went to this guy’s house with my friends and we told him just we had his (and his friends’) number and that if something happened to me, they wouldn’t have gotten away it.

        This, because i know that he could have easily purchased a weapon at the black market if he wanted to, here in Italy you can find guns in some neighborhoods without much problems if you have money, so i wanted to let him know that he’d better not mess with me ever again.

        If you have no guns, the only thing you can do is being submissive with everyone, because if you piss off the wrong guy they are going to make you pay.

        And i don’t know where you found your crap about the black market being expansive. Here in Italy criminals buy guns at the black market with 500 euros.

        Of course if they want assault rifles they are going to pay more, but a gun is really not that expansive.

        If you want to live like a sheep unable to defend against someone who wants to hurt your go ahead, but don’t have the absurd desire that everyone accepts to live like yourself.

    • Alex Kuehnel 26/03/2018 at 18:22 - Reply

      mate, what the fuck are you saying?

      • Bush Master 20/04/2018 at 16:07 - Reply

        Think it is pretty fucking clear what he is saying.

  5. Mike Montague 23/02/2018 at 05:33 - Reply

    Mark N clearly has small penis syndrome. There must be a special place in Hell for Trump , the NRA and the weapons manufacturers who support them. WAKE UP

    • Max C. 08/03/2018 at 15:54 - Reply

      I don’t think that he has a small penis syndrome. He simply doesn’t want to live like an helpless sheep. You want to live like an helpless sheep unable to do shit if something like this http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/german-police-thought-man-joking-girlfriend-rape-report-tent-attacker-siegaue-bonn-a7762976.html happens to you?

      Go ahead, i won’t stop you. If being a man for you mean being unable to protect your family, then be my guest. Be as vulnerable and helpless as you want.

      But if someone tries to rape my girlfriend he is going to die. I won’t force you to learn to be able to protect yourself and your loved ones, but don’t try to force me to be a sheep like yourself. Thank you very much.

    • Bush Master 20/04/2018 at 16:09 - Reply

      Yes, and that hell is here, stuck with small minded , pussified little liberal douchebags like you.

  6. Jeffrey I Jones 24/02/2018 at 02:09 - Reply

    This guy is very funny and makes some very serious points. I think it’s time we get serious and take back our freedom from fear of guns. I am an American Living in Australia (for now) and I wrote a book on Collective Social Intelligence which led me to writing a blog post about Parkland Lawyers Guns and Money.

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