Girls and boys, please welcome to the stage. Sarah Silverman!
Hi. Well, thank you. Thank you so much. I am so happy you guys are here. I’m sorry about the metal detectors. That is my bad. I, um… Tweeted something, and, uh, it made some people feel the need to express, um, wanting to kill me. And… I’m sorry I called for a military coup. I knew it was a long shot. You know, when you’re a comedian now, you really have to think things through before you post them, you know, on Twitter. Who do we think we are, presidents? Oh. Not necessary. But appreciated.
I’m, uh… I’m not a fancy person. I don’t, um… You know, I’m wearing a onesie. I’m not… I have friends that love jewelry, and I love them. But I… I don’t really understand the value of jewelry at all. That said… I love a nice hotel room. I need a soaking tub. So, I have my things. And I was just on the road, and I got to stay in some really nice hotels. And, um, I’ll never complain, because I’m so afraid of being, like, a complaining Jew. Which is a stereotype. Based on facts and patterns. And then, like, deducing from those patterns. Why are you selling out your culture, Sarah? Sorry. Did it get a laugh? Yes. Okay. Um… But I did call down. And I was like, “Everything is so amazing.” Thank you so much. Um, but I… noticed there seems to be, um… semen on the… I think it’s called a duvet. And… Or a comforter. And also, um… There’s also some on, like, the nightstand. And, um, also, I noticed there’s come all over my tits. It’s… I’m sorry. I just, you know, if there’s a… I hate to complain. If there’s an upgrade to be had, I would… “in I’d take it.”
Can you hear me when I just talk like this? This is a good sound system. You can hear me when I just talk like this? I, uh, got laser hair removal. And… Did you just applaud that? You’re like, “Finally.” I got laser hair removal. I waited a really long time to do it. Uh… I wanted the science to be at its peak. You know, like, we landed on Mars… I think it was August 2012. Are you just impressed that I remember the date? What I’m saying is… we landed on Mars in 2012. I waited four more years. And then I looked up the highest-rated laser hair removal place within three blocks of my apartment. And I went there. It was called LaserAway. And, um… it wasn’t what I… I think I was naive, and I just thought you go, and you get… And your hair gets removed. But it’s a much longer process. For every section of hair you want removed, you have to go have eight separate sessions, you know, like on each… So, for me, I was doing, like, from right below my belly button down to the floor. And then back up to about the middle of my back. And, um… Isn’t that funny that that’s funny? And it’s a lie. I did my arms, too. But, um… I can’t lie to you guys. I can’t. Uh… Right. So, they make you pay up front. Which makes so much sense, now that I think about it. Because… it hurts so much. By the second session you’re like, “Oh, I would gladly pay $3000 to never come back here again. That would be a bargain.” It’s so painful. And I have a… I feel like I have a high pain… I think most women have a high pain threshold. I’ve been punched in the face thrice. And that’s another story for another time. But I… It’s a different kind of pain. It’s like nerve ending… Like nerve damage. Like, they give you stress balls, and you squeeze them. And by the time you pry your fingers open, they’re just, like, pyramids of powder, basically. It hurts so much. I remember telling myself like, “You are a grown woman.” That is your money to waste. You earned that money. “Throw it out the window. It doesn’t matter.” And, uh, as I was walking back to my car after the second session… I actually can remember exactly, like, the words I was saying to myself as I was walking to the car. I was like: “What you just went through was trauma.” “That was traumatic.” And right in that moment I got a text message from my boyfriend, who was in Guatemala at the time with UNICEF. And it just said… It said, “I just spent the morning” with a woman who watched her son get murdered.” And I was like, “You think that’s bad?” ‘Cause I have…
I have a hard time with perspective. Like, I don’t gain it with experience, I guess. I was walking around here in Los Angeles, judging people. And that’s not me being my best self. I’m not proud of it. But that was just the scenario. And I remember just thinking, like, “You fucking…” petty, small-minded, materialistic twats. “You do not get it.” With their, like, $1500 purses. It’s a bag. It holds shit. Get a backpack. You’re silly. You know? I’m like, “You don’t even get it.” We’re breathing egos, acting like we aren’t a speck of dust on a speck of dust on a speck of dust hurtling through outer space. “We’re nothing.” And then in the very next moment I’ll be like: “I want my face on money.” I really do. I feel like I deserve… I want my face on money, period. I just… I want my period face on money. It’s like: No, it’s more stoic. It’s like: Aw, I just heard my sister laughing. She’s dead. No, she’s here. I’m kidding. She’s here.
I, um… I had a dog for many, many years. And he was my best friend. And I was always talking to him. Whenever I was home, I was talking to him. And then he died, and I stopped talking to him. Makes sense. Or does it? I don’t know. I mean, does that really make sense? He’s just as much a part of the conversation now… In a box on my desk. I stopped… This is what it is. I stopped talking to myself because there wasn’t a dog in the room. That’s crazy. So, now I have a new dog, Mary. I, um… I rescued her. Or I like to think she rescued me. I don’t know which is the less cunty way of putting it. But I have her. And she is my world. And, uh, I love her so much. She’s my everything. She’s young, and she’s full of life. And she’s obsessed with squirrels. And she’s kind of gotten me into it, too. And she’s just, like, such a cuddler, and we play. And we, like, spoon at night, and… I’m just gonna put a pin in that for a second and double back and say… that squirrel line, I would call that, in comedy, a throwaway joke. I knew it was gonna get a laugh when I said: “She’s obsessed with squirrels, and she’s kind of gotten me into it, too.” But you just keep going to that main joke. That’s a throwaway joke. It makes it extra cool. Now I’ve ruined it ’cause I doubled back and, like, I’m, like, talking about it. Now it’s ruined. It’s not a throwaway joke anymore. But it was. This is probably for two people in the audience, but I would say a throwaway joke is cool… the way that it’s cool, like… I play basketball. If you, like, during a pickup game, you make, like, a sweet three-point shot, and then afterwards, you don’t smile. You just go right back into defense. That’s the same coolness of a throwaway joke. All right. So… Really? That’s never gotten a laugh before. Well, you didn’t have to undo it. Keep laughing.
So, um… The truth is, I am… I have gotten into squirrels. And now I’m gonna get you into squirrels. I’m not kidding. Wait until you see. I learned a fun fact about squirrels… that I’m so excited to tell you. I can’t… I’m… Okay, this is what it is. It’s this. Squirrels… cannot find 80 percent of the nuts they hide. Are you kidding me? Is that the greatest thing you’ve ever heard in your life? First of all, animals aren’t supposed to make mistakes. But secondly… I made this realization that is gonna blow… Hold your skulls in, because your brains are gonna fucking explode. That’s how trees are planted. Are you fucking kidding me? That’s how trees are planted. God, or the universe, or nature, or whatever the fuck, created this anxiety-ridden… Paranoid cokehead… that thinks that everybody wants their acorns. Nobody wants your acorns. No one else in the world eats acorns. Only you. That they hide them everywhere. And then they’re so fucked up on coke… They can only find two out of every ten. Squirrels plant trees. In Israel. Right. That I added. That’s not true. I added that.
So, Mary is my dog. And I love her. And she got me into squirrels. And she’s young, and she’s full of energy. But… she’s dying… in that, it’s out there. It might be in two weeks. It might be in 12 years. But it’s out there, and it’s looming over me. And my heart can’t take it. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have gotten another dog. It’s too much. I’m… Don’t judge me. I’m gonna put her to sleep now. I just… I need it to be done. And you know what? In my defense… in the scope of history… whether she dies tomorrow when I put her to sleep, which I’m doing… Or she dies naturally in 12 years, it’s not even a blip in the scope of history. It’s the same exact time. So, I’m right. And I… And she won’t die in vain, ’cause I’ll crucify her. Oh, my God. How cute would that be? I didn’t tell you, she’s little, and she’s got, like, long legs. And, like, her feet kind of naturally do that thing anyway. And then like: Oh, I would have to break her arms. I would. Listen, if you wanna be a legend, you’ve gotta suffer. You think Jesus would be famous if we put him down like a household pet? No. Jesus, son of God… died for your sins… uh, in his sleep while surrounded by his favorite toys? That’s ridiculous.
I’m gonna… Okay. I’m gonna be indulgent… and tell a story that’s just a true story. Um… It’s about one of my sisters. I have three sisters. This is about one of them. Um… I won’t say which one. But… her name is Jodyne. Um, Jodyne went to Boston University. And if you’re familiar with BU, they have coed dorms. Which most universities have now. Um… But they have coed bathrooms in the coed dorms. And Jodyne, uh, got the drunkest she had ever been her freshman year, like so many freshmen do. And she stumbled back to her room, and she managed to get her, uh, jeans off, you know, and just passed out in a T-shirt and underwear. And a few minutes later, the room started spinning. And she ran to the bathroom, and she started throwing up. And she’s vomiting. And while she’s vomiting, she can feel that somebody is tugging her underwear down. But she couldn’t turn around or stop it, um, because she was throwing up so hard. And she’s vomiting and vomiting, and they’re tugging her underwear down. It’s going down, all the way down to the ground. And she finally finishes throwing up, and she whips her head around to see who’s there. But she didn’t see anybody. Because she had been shitting herself. That’s… That’s a true story. I’m gonna say… Like, I would call that a relief laugh. Or, like, a release laugh. I know that I’m your show. But you have to understand, like, you’re my show. And you were so beautiful. You were so… You had so much empathy. You were so worried. You could hear a pin drop in this story. It was so nice. And, you know, I understand. You thought she was gonna get raped. And she thought she was gonna get raped. She thought she was about to get raped. And I’ve really thought about this. And I… I think this may be one of the only scenarios where you can look down at a pair of underwear… just: Just filled with your own shit… and think, “Oh, thank God.” Oh, my God. “Oh, literally, yay.”
My sister came to visit me. Not the “shitting in her pants” sister, but the, um… My oldest sister. Although, I’m sure she’s shit her pants. She’s a Silverman, after all. Uh, no, this is my oldest sister, Susie. She is a rabbi. She lives in Jerusalem. Um… “Oh, my God, a godless comedian” and, like, a total God-person rabbi are sisters? “What must that be like?” is something you can muse about in the car. So, Susie came to town. And she said, “Sarah, I’m meeting my friend Amber tomorrow.” And then she told me all about Amber. She’s like, “Amber is so amazing.” She was born and raised in Ethiopia. She single-handedly ran an orphanage there. She’s so inspiring. I’m meeting her tomorrow at 8 a.m. “Can we use your apartment to meet?” And I said, “Of course, sure.” You know. “Use your key. I’ll be sleeping. But, yeah.” So, the next morning, she forgot her key, of course. And she’s knocking at the door, and I go to answer the door. My eyes are, like, glued shut. And I open the door, and she goes, “Sarah, this is Amber.” And I said, “Amber, it’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.” And I grabbed her hand. And her hand was a hook. And… Not important to the story, just for color, both of her hands were hooks. But, um… I was in too deep. I just… I shook it. I shook her hook. And it was such a false moment, too. I’m sure she would have appreciated if I was like: “You have a hook for a hand. I don’t know what the etiquette is.” And she’d be like, “Thank you for being real with me.” Nobody’s ever real with me. “Yes, you can shake it, whatever.” And then we would be real friends, and we’d probably have inside jokes, and that’s how it plays out in my mind. But… I just shook her hook as if to say: “This is what a hand feels like to me.” Bye. And went back to sleep. And pretended it was all a neat dream. But Jesus Christ, rabbi. She must have told me nine things about Amber. Two of them should have been hooks, right? I’m not being an asshole. Minimum. She’s got hooks for hands. She’s amazing. She lives in Ethiopia. She single-handedly ran an… That would have made more sense. She’s brilliant, she’s inspiring. Double back, just a reminder… she’s got hooks for hands. But not Susie, not the rabbi. She doesn’t see color. She doesn’t even see hands. That’s how amazing she is.
I’m a… I’m a… I’m a very sexual person. Um… You can always tell a sexual person because they, um, tell you as a segue to their next bit in their stand-up act. It’s kind of a little hint. I am, though. I… I know that it’s cool to talk crazy during sex, and I… I have tried that. And it doesn’t work for me, because I just… I find that the truth, uh, gets in the way, I guess. Like, I… Like, “God, your cock is so… Oh, no, never… It was a shadow.” What I do, I feel like, is way crazier. I like to talk crazy right after sex. When things have calmed down a beat. Get right in his face, real quiet. “What do you think would happen if I went to the hospital” and got a rape exam right now? Yeah, what do you think? You think they’d find your semen all over and inside me? ‘Cause I do. Oh, I really do. Maybe you should tickle my back till I fall asleep. “Is that a good idea, motherfucker?” My boyfriend’s foreign, so, then I get, like, really nose to nose with him and go, “USA’s number one.” He’ll be like, “Number one in what?” “You don’t worry about it.” It’s important to us that we’re number one. “Juvenile diabetes.” What is the etiquette…? I don’t know if there are, like, any Emily Post-ish people here. But for postcoital cuddling, uh, or after-sex cuddling, if you’re stupid, what is the…? What is the etiquette for where I would put my… “his asshole” fingers? Is it just straight out to the side? Or… under a pillow? Or just… Just sever it. Just cut it off completely. That’s… That’s what happened to Amber’s hands. I’m kidding, you guys. Come on. Relax. It was land mines when she was 7. Look, sometimes I like to end a joke with a sad truth. Thank you, Jodyne. You’re killing it, Sarah.
We give our daughters Barbie dolls so that they have an image of what they should look like when they grow up that is not attainable so that they can learn that they’re a piece of shit and they should kill themselves. It’s so important. We have to teach them young. I’m not sure, uh… who designs the schematics of these Barbie dolls, or Bratz dolls, or any of the sex-worker dolls. I’m not sure who we’re protecting. Uh… Where the obscenity lies, or… Okay, so, Barbie. Like, her legs are twice the length of the rest of her body. And her feet are just: They’re just on tiptoes. She can only wear high heels. She couldn’t wear flats if she wanted to. When she’s taking a shit at 3 in the morning, she’s in heels. ‘Cause she’s a lady. Her breasts… Okay. So, uh… she only has, like, the big, fat, shiny part of the breast that guys jerk off to. We have to protect our daughters… from the life-nourishing nipple. We… That’s just too obscene. No nipples. We can’t have our daughters seeing what nourishes life. Just the part that can sandwich a hard cock. No pubic hair. That is attainable. You’re right, audience. You know what? Thanks for keeping me honest. That’s important. It is attainable. Not everybody can pull that look off, but yes. People always want Angelina Jolie’s lips. And I’m not bragging. I basically have Angelina Jolie’s lips. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. But, um, mine are in my underpants. But… That’s why I like a nice… groomed but triangular… nuanced bush. That doesn’t technically make sense, but it sounded fancy. I did a, um…
Art reflects life. Okay? And then, uh, life informs art, you know? And then, um… But we don’t… Movies, I don’t feel like really reflect life totally for women. It’s more of like a male’s projection of it. It’s getting a little better, but even in artsy-fartsy movies, like, if you see a woman masturbating in a scene, she’s always on her back. All dreamy and sexy. She’s never on her stomach, dead-eyed and slack-jawed, like it is. It’s work. We learn what love is from movies and television, and it’s ruined love for us. Romantic comedies, all that shit, it’s ruined love. We… It’s taught us that we are incomplete people who need to find that one person in the whole world that will complete us. I promise you, there are thousands of people that are perfectly good matches for any one of you. And I don’t want to be complete… I don’t… I’m working very hard to be a complete person every day, you know? I don’t… I don’t wanna make you whole. I want you to come whole. I want you to be in… And I know I just said “come hole.” Another thing Barbie does not have. That would be a really weird feminist stance. “Why doesn’t Barbie have a come hole?” “I don’t know. What is that? It’s subjective.” Noted.
I did a fundraiser here a few years ago with, um, my friend Lizz Winstead’s organization, Lady Parts Justice. Check it out. And, uh, it was basically… I always say it was like a, you know, um, “right to choose” kind of thing. But it was, technically, literally, just for women in Texas. Because, at the time, every abortion clinic was being shut down in Texas. They were down to five. It’s since gotten much worse. But, um… And we just literally wanted to raise money to give to women in Texas so they could, like, hire a babysitter while they drive 12 hours to get an abortion. Or an affordable mammogram, or a, you know, pap smear, or whatever. And, uh, so, we did this show, and there were protestors outside. Um, you know, “right to life,” uh, Westboro Baptist Church-y, NPR people. And… Not NPR. NRA. That is… They are different. Completely different tote bags. Um, and they were outside protesting. And I’m not gonna shit on them, because I am them. We’re the same. You know, I’m the product of how I was raised. I was raised by a couple of liberal bleeding-heart Democrat Jews, and now I am one. And I would love to think that I’d get there on my own, but probably not. I’m the product of how I was raised. And these people were raised by people who loved them who said, “There are people out there that want to murder babies.” If I was that kid, I’d be like, “We have to stop them.” And I’d be outside there protesting. So, I went outside, and I just wanted to say hi and show a warm, friendly face to baby murderer. And I said, uh, “Hey, hi. Isn’t it great…? I just wanna say”, isn’t it great that we live in a country where I can put on this show because it’s something that I believe in, and you can protest this show because of what you believe in, “and we can occupy the same space peacefully?” And he said, “God, you’re totally right.” I’m just kidding. He goes, “You’re going to hell.” And I was like, “Okay, nice to meet you.” But there was, like, a 9-year-old girl there with a little pink cardigan. And she had a huge… She had a sign, like, twice her size. And it said, uh, “Abortion is bloody murder.” And the “bloody” was, like, in red paint, dripping down. And that was the first time I was like, “Oh, they had to go to, like,” Michaels or Blick’s or something and buy crafts. “Hobby Lobby, probably.” And she goes: “God hates you.” And I was like, “Do you really think God hates?” And she goes, “Yeah, he hates you.” And then… Oh, I told her a doodie joke. And she was like: It really is the great unifier. But she is right. Abortion does kill, like, your whole day. It literally sucks the life out of you. Look, I know those last two jokes, they aren’t smart. They have nothing deep to say. They’re just wordplay. But I love them like my… very own aborted fetuses. Um… Put a pin in that. Congratulations, Texas. Texas was almost the third state… uh, but then a judge put the kibosh on it. You should know this. I’m not blaming you for not knowing about this law, because we’ve been… Just atrocity after atrocity has been coming at us every day. But you’re not gonna believe this. It’s true. They have a law where if you get an abortion in those states or have a miscarriage, you are responsible for paying for a funeral for the fetal tissue. What? What? Crazy. And heinous. And I want to speak at those funerals so bad. He died the way he lived. The size of a sesame seed with no discernable brain function. He will be returned now to the soil… where he will… I don’t know, get eaten by a cricket, maybe. So, anyway, this fundraiser. This is the thing, is the religious right knows that it will be a bear of a… Not the religious right. I guess the government now… knows that it would be a bear of a job. To overturn Roe v. Wade, to just make abortion illegal all at once. So, what they do is they chip away at it from the sides, you know. They make little laws, insincere laws, that kind of are an ends to their means. You know, uh, “All right, uh, your clinic has to have hallways” that are 18 feet wide.” And then the clinics are like, “We can’t…” We don’t have… I mean, that would cost… We couldn’t afford to… “. “Well, I guess you’re gonna have to close, then, aren’t you?” You know, it’s very, uh, Boss Hogg from Dukes of Hazzard or something. You know, like, smashing your headlights and going: “Looks like you can’t drive. You got a smashed headlight.” It’s exactly that. And violating… Uh… Infantilizing laws about abortion where women have to think about it. Go home for three days and think about it. Yeah, I think I’ve been thinking about it, fuckface. Or, like… Violating ultrasounds, you know, where they shove a camera inside you and make you look at the ultrasound and see the life in your uterus. And…
Put a pin in that for a second. Because I have another fun fact for you you’re gonna love. This is true. Scientists have known this for almost two decades. If you believe in science. That… And this is it. Sperm can smell. I know… I know sperm can… We all know sperm can smell. But… Sperm cells… Seashells by the seashore. Sarah, come on, focus. This is a big night. This is serious, though. Sperm cells have a sense of smell. They have olfactory senses. That’s true. And you know what that means. That means that sperm is life. And you know what that means. We’ve gotta legislate that shit. We have to protect the babies. I… I just wanna save the unborn babies. That’s all I’m worried about, and this is what we’re gonna do. The next time you feel like you’re gonna jerk off into a gym sock or down your shower drain or, uh… I don’t know why, I peg you as an “on the belly” guy. It doesn’t matter, though. It doesn’t matter. Whatever your jerk-off style, there is no judgment here. I was right, wasn’t I? I have a sense. If only that was a superpower that could help the world. But… This is what we’re gonna do. Before you do jerk off, whatever style it is… Um… I feel like keeping going. Like… you are like a hands-free fucking the mattress. Like, you’re just flat… Blink once if… I knew it! You guys are humoring me. You guys are nice. All right. Come on, Sarah. Before you do it, you’re gonna come on down to the clinic. We’re gonna take a long, thin… Like a knitting-needle-shaped GoPro camera, basically. It’s gonna go up your urethra, your penis hole. Up, up, up. Really picture it. And then down, down into your testicular sac. We’re gonna bring the ultrasound around, and you’re gonna be able to actually see the life in your balls. I truly believe… that most men will not even want to jerk off after that. And that’s a beautiful thing.
Show business is so weird. I don’t know why this is when it really struck me. But I did an episode… A few years ago, I did that show, The Good Wife. Okay? And it’s, like, a law drama. And it was really fun. And maybe it’s ’cause I was, like, sitting and watching a lot of them shoot. You would never believe how show business works. It’s so crazy. Like, okay. Let’s see if I can explain this. Like… It’s… So, this scene is a big boardroom scene, right, ’cause it’s a law drama. And it’s got a bunch of characters in it. And they’re all talking, and all this shit happens in it. So, the first shot they do, they do a big, wide shot of the whole scene with all the characters and everything. They do that a few times. Then they go in close and they shoot, like, a tight shot where it’s just, like… You only see, like, three of the characters. And when they exit that scene, like, in our minds we see the whole room because we’ve seen it before. But in reality, when they’re shooting it, the rest of the room isn’t even there. It’s, like, filled up with, like, reflecting boards and cameras and lights and, you know, all this other shit, you know. I don’t know all the words. Cameramen and, uh, all that shit. So, it’s like, uh, Christine Baranski will go: “I want those papers on my desk Monday morning.” And she’s literally in her skirt suit and heels. Christine Baranski in a ball because she can’t leave entirely, ’cause there’s so much shit blocking the way. But she has to get as low as possible so she doesn’t block the lights for the rest of the scene, for the actors that are still in the scene. So, she’s like this. And then Josh Charles is like: “She’s a piece of work. I’ll see you Monday.” Everything you watch is that.
I just burped. I’m a human being. I was, uh… Three weeks ago, I was at a red light. No, put a pin in that for a second. Okay. I took an acting class when I was 10 in New Hampshire. This goes together. And, first of all, this acting teacher was mean. I remember he said, like, um… Oh, one assignment was, bring in your favorite song and, like, act out to it. And then I brought in my favorite song, which is, like, um… ♪ Just a city boy Born and raised… ♪ “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Sorry. And, like, I thought that acting was mouthing it. So, I was like: And he went bananas on me. And you know, I wish at 10 I had the wherewithal to be like: “You know what? He’s probably going through something.” “That’s his.” No. I didn’t know to do that when I was 10. I just assumed I was a piece of shit. But that’s not the story I wanted to tell. So, the first day of acting class, he said this: “Acting…” “is reacting.” And I’m like, “What does that mean?” Like, “re”? I knew “re” meant again. So, I was like, “Acting again?”
Anyway… Three weeks ago, I was at a red light. And I was like: “Oh, reacting.” Right. Oh, yeah. I agree with that, yes. Acting is reacting. “You should have said it that way.” Latent… realizations. That’s the theme of this chunk when I do my special. Latent… Latent realizations. Like… Okay, I had to go to sleepaway camp… every year since I was 6 years old. And, uh, it was terrible for me because I was a chronic bed wetter till I was, like, 15. So, it was a nightmare. I learned a lot of skills, like complete disassociation. Making a cot over soaking-wet sheets while I stink like piss and pretending like that’s not the case. What kind of parents would send a chronic bed wetter to sleepaway camp? They must be monsters. No. They’re not monsters. Here’s the thing. Okay. Like, my dad… his dad beat the shit out of him every day. And then during the school year he was sent away to goyim. To boarding school. I’m sorry. To boarding school. And then at boarding school… he got the shit kicked out of him every day, called a dirty Jew kike, because it was back when, like… America was great. And… And then in the… All right. That was pretty good. And then in the summertime, he went to camp and blossomed and was a star and was, like, everything he wanted to be. And so, parents, they just think… You know, he just thought, “No, camp is great.” It will define her. It will be her joy. Because that’s what it was for me.” You know? So, I had to go to camp. And as a compromise, he would give me joke books. Because I loved jokes. And then, also, maybe I’d make friends that way. So, I remember the summer I was 8 because I had just learned to read when I was 7. Someone in the audience when I was in Vermont was like, “I was 4.” Fucking good for you. I was 7. I learned to read when I was 7. So, I was 8, I was excited. I had books. I was gonna read. And my dad has no boundaries. I don’t know if he flipped through these at all or didn’t. Um, but it was Truly Tasteless Jokes book one and two. And I remember the first joke on the first page. It was a paragraph long, but I can tell it in two seconds. It was “Little Red Riding Hood, blah, blah, blah.” And then the big bad wolf is like, ‘I’m gonna eat you.’ And then Little Red Riding Hood’s like, ‘Eat, eat, eat. “Doesn’t anybody fuck anymore?'” And I’m like, “What does this mean?” Then when I was 30 I was like, “Oh, Jesus Christ.” That’s so inappropriate.” He was, uh… My dad isn’t… He has no boundaries. He’s not approp… I don’t really… He… He treated us like bros. Like, um, I remember one time when I was really young, he and my mom went on a double date. And when he came home, he, like, plopped down on the front hall… There was, like, a bench in the front hall. And I was sitting there, and I asked him how it went. And he was like, “Oh, it was the fucking worst.” Uh, we were supposed to go out with the Sterlings, and then only Mr. Sterling showed up. Because he said Mrs. Sterling had her period. And when she gets her period, it comes out like liver. “And I’m like, ‘I don’t need to know that.'” I was like, “Dad, I get it.” Like, I’m 5, and I don’t even need to know that.” But my dad, um… Camp was where he thrived. And, like, they’re still his best friends to this day. His best friends are his friends from camp. And he’s about to be 80, and they’re having a reunion, even. And he has a picture of all of them, uh, when they became counselors. And it’s amazing. It’s from 1953. And I said, “Dad, you have to send me this.” And he sent it to me with, like, a glossary of who everybody is and what they’re doing now. And it’s like: “This is Phil Holman. He’s a judge now.” This is Arnie Goldstein. You know, he owns Martin’s House of Cloth. This is Danny Gold. Danny Gold once gave Punchy Kramer a BJ and we all watched. This is Cy Schwartz. He works at the Clam King. This is bah, bah, bah. He da, da, da. This is Morris Simon. This is Punchy Kramer. “This is, you know, blah, blah, blah.” I’m like, “Dad, open with it or close with it.” He has no sense. So, he went to camp all the way up until he became a counselor. And, uh, you know, we think of counselors, like, as grown-ups. But, you know, they’re 16-year-old kids. So, for each camper, he had to fill out a form, uh, every week for each camper. And it would say, like, “Is he behaving?” Is he sleeping? Did he brush his teeth? “Did he go to the bathroom?” And under that it said, “L/H.” And my dad didn’t know what that meant. But he was too embarrassed to ask anybody. So, he just used his logic, and he’s like, “Okay.” It comes after bathroom, so it must mean… “‘loose or hard.'” So, for a summer… My dad had his campers come get him… after they took shits… so that he could go look at them… and make a rough guesstimate… if it was indeed loose or hard. I love that so much. It just means there’s, like, a generation of old men in therapy… who are like: “Well, I did have a camp counselor that was, like, obsessed with my shits. Is that…?” You were sexually abused. Oh, it meant “letter home.” But thank God he didn’t ask. That would have been so embarrassing.
My parents got divorced when I was 7. And my mom went back to college to get her degree. And my sisters were older. So, I got babysat by nuns. I went to, like, a nun… A convent, I guess. But it looked like a… Like a Victorian house or something, where nuns were. And they had day care. And I have since met amazing nuns. These were not them. These were cunts. They… They were. They hit us. It was… I had not been hit before, you know. And I was so scared of them. Like, if we weren’t sleeping on our, like, little mats during nap time, they would hit us. And then, like, um, for lunch we would go out into the woods, ’cause it’s New Hampshire, and they gave us these peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches, and we had to eat the whole thing, or they would hit us. And I loved peanut butter and jelly. But this was different. It was peanut butter and jam. And jam is… I hadn’t experienced jam before. It’s like… It’s different. It has, like, pieces in it. But we had to eat the whole thing, or they would hit us. I was so scared, I… ‘Cause I didn’t know I could take a punch at that time. And I… Okay, wait. Put a pin in that. Put a pin in that while I tell you something. This is human behavior, that we tell ourselves horror… Horror stories. Horror stories. Horror stories. Horror stories. Horror. Horror stories. We tell ourselves… I said it too many times. We tell ourselves horror stories. That’s just the human condition. You know, like we go, uh, “I have to pass that crack in the road before that car passes me, or I’ll die.” That wasn’t just you. That’s everybody. Everybody does that. My therapist says it’s how we deal with mortality. Um, so, I was eating this peanut-butter-and-jam sandwich, and I was telling myself horror stories. And the horror story was… this jam is the nuns’ period blood. But I had to eat it all. I was so scared of getting hit. I ate it like this. And I gobbled it down. I don’t know what… put in my head that… jam would, you know, have, like, chunky liver-like pieces in it.
Okay, I’m gonna try to tell you this story. I almost died this summer. I really almost died this summer. I, um… I was on the road. Had a shitty sore throat. Didn’t think much about it. Kind of turned into a cold, that kind of thing. Uh, then I came home, and I got that same sore throat again. So, I go, “Ehh, I’m home. I’ll go to the doctor.” Which I never do. So, I went to the doctor. And, uh, he made me wait, like, a long time. And I was going to go, like, “Oh, fuck this.” But I stayed. He looks down my throat, and he’s like: “We’re going to the emergency room.” I had a… Like an abscess at the top of my… windpipe, which is where your breathing comes from. So, um, like, this abscess was either gonna grow another millimeter and stop my breathing and I would die, or it was gonna explode, and it’s filled with poison, and that would kill me. Um… Don’t be scared. It’s really rare. It’s not going to happen to you. Unless it does, I guess. But… So, I had to go to the hospital. And then, um, they put me under, like, a general… Like a… Some sort of drug just to chill me out before surgery. And, like, unbeknownst to me, they’re telling my, uh, friend Amy and my boyfriend, Michael, they’re like, um, “This is a very dangerous surgery.” She might not make it. You know, it’s very risky.” Blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile, I feel fine. And I’m just like, “I’m not high enough.” I was complaining that I wasn’t high enough. And I can tell you exactly what happened because Amy had the utter distaste to record this whole thing. So… You just see me going like, “I’m not high enough.” And then they’re like, “You’re okay.” And then I proved to them that I wasn’t high enough, um, by explaining Brexit. And it was very nuanced, and I had opinions. It was, like, really perfect. Like, you can hear the anesthesiologist go, like: “Wow, she’s right on.” And, um… And then, uh, you see me, like, getting wheeled out. And then, um, like, Michael and Amy couldn’t come with me, like, past the operating-room doors or whatever. So, as I’m leaving, I said to Michael… Which is something we like to do, if the elevator doors are closing or something: “I wanna see other people.” And then… And then the last thing you see on the video is me looking into her phone and going like, “Play this in slow motion on my death reel.” So, um… So, then I had this surgery. And I lived. And, um… But it was really… It was a rough week because I have very low blood pressure, I guess. And so, they couldn’t put me to sleep for it. And so, I had to have… Once the surgery was done, they put a breathing tube down my throat. And then because it’s human nature if you’re awake to pull something that’s in your throat out, they had to tie my hands down. So, every time I would wake up, I would go to pull this thing out of my throat. And then I would see that my hands were tied down, and then I just thought what anyone would think in that situation, which is, “I’ve been captured by ISIS.” And it was so scary. And then a sister would have to come to my side and be like, “Sweetie, you’re okay. You just had surgery. They have to have your hand…” You know, and then I would understand. And then I would fall asleep, and a minute later I would wake up and the whole thing would happen again. And it was really scary. It was a nightmare. I don’t remember… Like, I was awake, but I don’t remember anything. And there were a few funny stories. Like, um… I would be really itchy. The medicine that was in me was so itchy. But my hands were tied down. And my sisters would fight with the nurses to just let one hand free so I could scratch. So, they finally did. And, uh, it was… like, I had an itch, like, just vagina-adjacent. And I… It felt… It was, like, so much relief. And then my friend John was standing in the corner. And I guess… I don’t remember this. I was told this. I pulled my hand out and then I, like, served it to John. And then, another time, like, my hands were tied down. And, um… That I served it? And then, um… He was like: In my mind. I don’t remember. Oh, another time… I was told, a nurse was in the room, and I, somehow, like, even though I had no mouth or hands, but I, like, made it clear to her, like, it was an emergency. I had to tell her something. And they had given me paper and a pencil. And I’m writing, and it’s, like, so important. And I finally finish, and then I show it to her, and she looks, and it just says, “Do you live with your mother?” With a picture of a dick. And, I mean… it’s really proof that once your conscious mind is out of the way, it’s just, like, sheer comic genius.
You guys, we’ve reached the denouement. Were you making a noise because you’re impressed that I knew that word? Thank you. You’ve been very vocal, but in the perfect amount. You’re welcome. Like, the next time you wanna, like, be like, “Yay,” for me or something, let’s do this. You can go like this: Okay, the denouement. Did I say it right? Now we’re gonna have to, like, pick up a shot of you going: Um, yeah, because we’re here. Um… Jesus is coming back. Oh, on my back. That’s what it is. It was water. He turned it to come. How clever is that? I don’t know if there’s God. I mean, I cannot imagine there’s God. But I don’t know. Neither do you, you know? But if there is God, it’s a God that’s, like, totally fine with murder and, uh, children starving and… spin class. You know, all the… All the atrocities of life. I take… Spin class is great, if you love being punched in the vagina 70 times a minute. While just an ocean… Thank you, Steve Agee. While just an ocean of white people are singing the N-word with such glee. It’s because they play hip-hop music in there. Did I need to say that? Oh, my gosh. Were you guys like, “Is that what they do in there?” “Can I burn calories doing that?” Yes. I feel… I feel like a fraud because I feel like I talk so much about God and Jesus and all this stuff, and… I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I’m going to admit it. I have not read the Bible. I’ve tried. I have tried. In my defense, it’s unreadable. It’s so boring. It’s so dense. But it’s, like, not as deep as it thinks it is. And it just reads like a super-shitty Game of Thrones spec script or something.
When is that coming back, Game of Thrones? – Not until… – June. – April? – June. – June. – June? It just was June. Oh, my God. I love it so much. It’s not perfect. It isn’t perfect, though. It’s like they… ‘Cause, look, everybody wears 900 pounds of armor. Then nothing from here to here. They just have this area to breathe. You know what the number one cause of death is in Game of Throne-y times? Neck stabs. Head-chopped-offs. Throat slits. I’m just saying, there’s a blacksmith in the fictional past that should be fired.
The app that I do Twitter with, I can, um… I just sounded so old saying that. The app that I do Twitter with, it’s like I can schedule tweets. Which I like, because sometimes I’ll think of two, three tweets. I don’t wanna spoil you. I space them out. Many years ago now, the beginning of Twitter, practically, I scheduled a tweet. I scheduled it for 8:05 p.m. Pacific Time. Why would I remember that? Because at 8 p.m. Pacific Time… we captured and killed Osama bin Laden. The Twitterverse was aflame. At 8:05… I tweeted: “Why do my dog’s doodies come out cold?” Let me just remind you, I scheduled that tweet. That’s how good I thought it was. And I feel a little bit like Peter Sellers in Being There. Like, people put more depth on me than I have at all. I bet there were people that saw that tweet and were like: “You know what? That was cold. But it is our duty.”
Okay, this is how I’m gonna end. I’m guessing this is a pretty godless crowd. Um, I like to… I’ve been on the road, and I like to end by asking if there’s a… Now I feel like a bully because it’s so godless. Usually when I’m in the rest of the country, I’m the only godless one, and then I don’t feel like an asshole. But are there any guys here that believe in God? Not like, “I believe there’s something.” I mean, like, an organized religion. Like Christian, Muslim, Jewish, bah, bah, bah… You’ve got, like, five seconds to raise your hand, if you’re close. Yeah, I didn’t think so. Really? Can you come up closer to me so that I’m in the light? But just come up to the stage. What’s your religion? Uh… I would say I’m Christian. You would say you’re Christian? There’s, like, a lot of different words we could use. I’m Protestant. I would probably classify myself as Lutheran. All right. Okay. What is your name, sir? – Troy. – Hi, Troy. – Hi. – Thank you for doing this. This is very brave. We’re in Los Angeles. It’s very godless. I draw the godless out. So, I don’t want you to feel bullied or something. It’s okay. I raised my hand voluntarily. What did you say your name was? Troy? – Troy. – Oh, okay. That’s fun. All right, Troy. I’m dying to ask this question. I’m so excited there’s a God person here. All right, you’re a Christian. – Right. – Protestant area. This is a question… that I think should be one of the big questions, even. Okay. Yes or no… would you let God come in your mouth? – No, no. – No? – No. – Okay, go back to your seat. Oh, my God, no. Thank you very much. Thank you, Troy. No. That’s mind-blowing to me. And yet not unique. Not a unique answer, I’ll tell you that. I would say the answer has to be yes. Um, but I will tell you that as I’ve been touring the country, 80 percent, at least, of men say no, like Troy. So, congratulations on not being unique. And yet being wrong, in my opinion. That is, uh, so petty, I think. You know, it’s like, up until now, Troy, you’re saying, “God…” I know that there’s AIDS and rape and famine and genocide and murder. But I know you have a plan, and I am your servant. Unless you’re serving come. “Then I’m out.” That’s so petty. God told Abraham to kill his son. And you know what Abraham said? “No problem. Chip! Get down here!” I know, I didn’t read the Bible, but everybody knows Abraham’s son was Chip. And Abraham was gonna murder his son. And then right before he did, God was like, “I’m kidding.” Can I come in your mouth?” Abraham’s like, “Is that a test of my faith?” God’s like, “Sure. Yes.” And then God came in Abraham… This is turning into fan fiction. But God came in Abraham’s mouth. And Abraham’s like: “Wow, I really thought that you were gonna stop at the last second like you did with the killing my…” Or I guess he’d be like, “Like you did with the killing my son.” God’s like, “I work in mysterious ways.”
Thank you guys so much. – Okay. – I’m sharp as a tack. – There you go. – But they did just put something in intravenously. And it… And it feels like maybe… I’m getting high. Am I getting high? It feels like… It’s not that big a deal, actually. It’s not very intense. I feel like I could give a… I could argue a political side. Mm-hm. So, tell me… Talk me through Brexit. Brexit is like, you know, the same people that, uh… name their kids… Bentley ’cause they think that’s classy. They are the people voting for Brexit. Completely unknowing, innocent. Uh… Thinking it’s in their best interest. They’re voting completely against their best interest. These things that the EU provide their lives to make them livable. Uh, they’ve just ousted that. And they’re counting on the NHS, and that was a big sham promise. Mm-hm. Uh… You know. So, what are you gonna do? There are a lot of Bentleys in the world. A lot of Mercedes and Porsches. And they’re gonna be strippers. But some of them might be Supreme Court justices. Mm-hm. And I have hope. And I believe in people. We’re all just listening to the same… To different sets of lies. Maybe you should… – And she’s still making sense, too. – Maybe you should give her more. I am. I don’t feel very high. No, that’s right. No, no. That’s good. You’re perfect. You know… just if people were spoken to… This is what she’s like every day. By people who don’t have agendas and can just honestly make an earnest decision based on what they think is best for themselves and the country, we would have wild success all around. I know, right? But we don’t have that, unfortunately. I’m not high yet at all. This stuff is shit. Well… They’re gonna roll me into the ER and put me to sleep for a few days with a breathing tube. Some kind of new diet. Is that what you were expecting when you woke up? That wasn’t what I was expecting.
– Okay. – Bye. I love you both so much. – I love you. – See you soon. See you on the flip side. Michael, I wanna see other people. Damn you. Okay, we love you. Love you. Bye-bye. Play that last bit in slow motion on my death reel.
