Kevin Hart: Irresponsible (2019) – Transcript

[heartbeat]

[indistinct chatter]

[atmospheric whooshing]

[audience cheering] It’s showtime, honey?

Babe, I’m gone.

[woman] Coming.

Alright.

See you later. [girl] Love you. Showtime, baby, let’s go. Show time, bro. [heartbeat] I’ll see you on the other side, baby.

[man] Let’s go bro, let’s do what you do. – Have a good show, chief. – Thank you, sir.

[man] Go get it, Kev.

Good.

Let’s go, baby. Mom, I know you’re watching over me. I’ll know you’re proud. In your name we pray, amen.

[accelerated heartbeats]

[audience cheers rising]

Showtime!

[thunderbolt]

My last joke just went viral!

[Kendrick Lamar’s “Humble” starts]
♪ Right stroke put lil’ baby in a spiral
♪ Soprano C We like to keep it on a high note ♪
♪ Its levels to it, you and I know ♪
♪ Bitch, be humble Sit down ♪

God dammit, London y’all can do better than that. Y’all better make some fucking noise.

[crowd erupts]

♪ Be humble (bitch) (Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪ I’m gonna ask y’all one more time. Y’all better make some fucking noise one time. ♪ Be humble (bitch) (Hol’ up) Bitch, sit down ♪

Welcome, welcome to the “Irresponsible” tour. We’re about to have a good time. Uh… The name is “Irresponsible” for a lot of reasons. We’ll get into all those reasons as the show goes on. I don’t really like to waste time. I feel like when I’m out here, we might as well get to the shit. Let’s just… let’s just get to the shit. Okay?

Let’s talk about my first irresponsible move this year. My uh… My first irresponsible move this year actually involves my kids. My kids caught me and my wife fucking. Let’s just start… Let’s just start here. There’s no real way to ease into it. So I just got to go for it. Okay? Both kids. Both kids caught us fucking. If it was one, it wouldn’t have been that bad, but it was both. My son saw us first. I saw him when he saw us ’cause he called his sister. He’s like, “Come here! Hurry up! Come here!” The crazy thing is, I couldn’t even get mad. I couldn’t get mad at them because they came in my room based off of a rule that I put in place. I don’t like locked doors in my house. Don’t lock your goddamn door. The worst thing in the world for a parent is to not be able to get in his child’s room when he wants to. Don’t lock your goddamn door! Especially my daughter. I told her, “Lock that door again, I promise you I’ll kick the door down. Don’t lock that goddamn door again.” I go to my daughter’s room, the door’s locked. I said, “What did I say I’d do? Didn’t I say I’d kick the door down?” She said “Wait, I’m almost finished.” [laughs] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! In my mind, I thought the worst. In my mind, she was cooking cocaine. That’s what I believe. She’s got to be. You know why? You know why I thought the worst? I thought the worst because I know what I was doing as a child whenever I was in my room when my door was closed. When I was in my room with the door closed, I was always doing the worst shit possible on the other side of the goddamn door. Every time my mom bust into my room, true story people, my dick was always in my hand. I swear to God, every time. “What are you doing, boy?” “Ahhh!” “Ahhh!” “Ah!” One time, she came in and I had my dick in this hand and I had matches in this hand. I don’t know what was about to happen, but she got there right on time. I told her there was about to be a hot dick in this bathroom. I was going to set this dick on fire. “Ahh!”

The worst thing about my kids catching us having sex is that we were having sex in positions that you couldn’t play off. You know there’s some sexual positions that you can play off. There’s a lot of couples here tonight. I see you with your lady, sir. If you and your lady are having sex and your lady laying on the side and your kids come and bust in the room, you can play that off. All you got to do is sit up, act like you’re watching TV. Hey! Hey! Get the fuck out here. Don’t come back in here till we done watching TV. If you real good and you got your bottom half covered up, when you sit up, you can technically keep fucking while you talking. Hey, hey! Get your ass out the goddamn room. Don’t come in the goddamn room. Your lady be trying to talk. “Don’t come in here. This is my favorite part of the show.” You can play it off. Missionary, you can play that off. You having sex in the missionary position and your kids come and bust in the room. All you got to do is fall down and collapse on your lady. [pretends to snore] Make it look like you asleep. Kids are stupid, they’ll believe it. Shhh! Doggie style is tough. That’s a tough one. Ass naked doggy style in the middle of the bed. That’s tough to playoff. You’re caught, like… What do you do? What… What do you do? Oh, shit! You got one move. You got one move. You gotta make it look like you playing American football just.. hut hut! Hut, hut, hut! Get your ass out here. We’re going over football plays. Get out of here. We’re playing a couple down the street this week. Get your ass up out of here.

My biggest fear was I didn’t want my kids to try to talk to me about what they saw. Please God. Don’t let my kids talk to me about the shit that they saw. I’m a firm believer in letting information float in the air and disappear. I don’t like to talk about it. Let it float in the air and disappear. I go downstairs and see my son in the kitchen. My son gave me a look that said that he wanted to ask me about what he just saw. I gave him a look back that said, “Don’t you fucking ask me about nothing that you just saw.” I knew he wasn’t really gonna try to ask me, ’cause he got in trouble at school earlier that week. I had to take my son’s phone from him, which is the worst thing to do to a child. Taking a kid’s phone is detrimental to a child’s lifestyle. As soon as I took his phone, he immediately turned into a crackhead instantly. Instantly! I said, “Give me the phone. You’re not getting the phone till you get your shit together.” I snatched the phone. He broke down. He said, [quavering voice] “Come on, Daddy, don’t do me like that.” [chuckles] He starts moving. “Don’t do me like that, Daddy.” He said, “Take my leg instead. Take my leg.” “What? Boy, give me the goddamn phone. You’re not getting the phone back till you get your shit together.” When I take the phone, I say to myself, “You know what? I need to go through my son’s phone. I need to see what my son has been talking about on his goddamn phone.” It’s irresponsible on my part, as a parent to not know what’s on my son’s phone. I gotta go through the phone. I realize I don’t have the code. I don’t got the thumbprint, the face ID, nothing. I gotta go back to this little n i g g a and ask him to put the damn code in the phone. “Put the code in so I can see what you been talking about.” Straight-faced, my son said, “No, man, I ain’t going to do it.” Uh, what? “Put the code in before I punch you in the fucking throat.” That’s what I said. I said that. He took off running. Like he don’t live in this house. Like I’m not gonna see him at dinner in ten minutes. “Ain’t nobody chasing you. Gimme the code to the phone before I kick you in the back.” Swear to God, from downstairs, all I heard was, “Fuck you!” [elongated] Oh! I’m gonna kill him. I’m about to kill him. I run downstairs, grab my son by the neck. I start choking the shit out of my son. “What the fuck you say to me?” He couldn’t breathe. He was, “argh!” He said, “That’s the code! The code is ‘Fuck you.'” Oh. “That’s a good code son. That’s a good code. Is it Y-O-U or the letter U? How you spell it? I scratched your neck up real good. I apologize. I’m gonna get you a turtleneck, so you don’t have to go to school looking like that. I’m sorry.”

My kid’s are getting older. Daughter’s 13, my son is ten now. Older they get, the more the arguments escalate. I caught my kids cursing at each other the other day. This shit made me laugh. If you’re a parent here tonight, and you don’t think your kids curse, you’re a stupid parent. You’re stupid. As soon as you walk out the house, your kids let it fly. Fuck, mother bitch, shit, dick, pussy, asshole, bitch. It don’t even go together. They say it at the same time. [laughter] I heard my daughter going off on my son, giving him the business. I’m asleep. I’m laying on the couch. She’s snapping. “I’m sick of your shit, Hendricks. You keep fucking with me, I’m gonna bust your ass.” I said, “Goddamn. Wait a minute. What the hell is going on in there?” I don’t want to blow my cover ’cause I want to hear what my son says back. I want to hear my son’s rebuttal. My son is exactly like me when I was a child. We’re identical, we’re exactly the same. My son is such a bitch. He’s such a bitch. This is what my son said. My son goes… “Honestly, really, then what, nothing. So why are we talking about it? Okay.” What? He… He stormed off like he won. Okay. In my son’s defense though, man, he’s got it bad. I don’t know what it is about older sisters and their younger brothers. Older sisters love to whip up on their younger brothers. I don’t know why, it’s a real thing. She dragged him down the steps the other day. I didn’t see it, I heard it. I just heard my son. He was like, “Oh, God, not again.” [bumping sounds] Just heard the fucking steps.

But she’s a tough girl. My daughter’s not a little girly girl. She’s a little tomboy, man. She’s a tough fucking girl. She just got her period not too long ago. Took it like a champ. Shoulder-shrugged it like it was nothing. I was nervous. I was nervous ’cause I knew it was coming. I saw the signs: emotions, feelings all over the goddamn place. I tried to prepare for this period as if it was an earthquake. I went out… I bought a bunch of emergency period kits, put them in jacket pockets, her book bags. My fear was I didn’t want my baby to get the blood butt at school. That was my fear. If your baby get the blood butt, you got to relocate. You can’t send that child back to that school. You gotta fucking get a new school, you gotta move. There’s a bunch of expenses that go into that problem. She came downstairs, she caught me off guard. She was like, “Dad, I think my period’s on.” I panicked. “Fuck! Right now? Is it happening right now?” She said, “Mm-hm, something’s coming down my leg.” Oh! All my training went out the window. I said, “Go in the kitchen, get a gallon of milk, drink it. Hurry up. It’ll freeze the blood up.” I don’t know where I got that from. I pulled that out my ass. I opened up a maxi-pad like it was a grenade. I said, “Argh!” Argh! [laughs] I fucking missed! Shit stuck to her face. It was bad. That was a bad situation.

You know what I love the most about my kids? I love that my kids don’t add stress to my life. I got enough stress going on as it is. I’m on marriage number two. That within itself is stressful. The reason why, sir, is because this marriage has to work. It has to! You don’t want to get to marriage three, four, and five. When you get there, at that point, you’re not even looking for love. You’re just looking for a death buddy. You’re looking for somebody to die with. You try and die together? Yes or no? I’ll die with you, if you die with me. Crazy thing about my relationship is that it’s on display. Everybody can see it, everybody can judge it. I don’t give a shit. I don’t care. It’s the bed I made for myself, I lay in it. What makes me laugh is when people act like they live my life. Like you walk in my shoes. Shit hit the fan for me and my marriage. Everybody had an opinion. Ugh, ugh, ugh! “Kevin Hart did it again. Kevin Hart fucked up again.” I want to make something clear to everyone here tonight. I did not fuck up again. Okay? In my first marriage, I filed for a divorce. That means I chose to leave. That means I made a better decision for me and my life. That’s not fucking up. That’s me moving on. Okay? Now, this time, I fucked up. This was fucking up, yes. Yes. But I don’t like it when people act like you plan to fuck up. Nobody plans to fuck up. That’s why it’s called a fuck-up. You don’t walk outside, like, today is the perfect day for a fuck-up. I’m, I’m… I’m fucking up all day today. This is fuck-up weather, that’s what this is. That’s not how it happens! The important thing is to learn from it.

You got to learn from your fuck-ups. Lesson number one that I learned, is that whatever happens in Vegas, does not stay in Vegas! Don’t believe that shit! That commercial’s a goddamn lie. It should be taken off the television. For the first time in my life, I had to look in a mirror. Had to look in a mirror. I had to have a conversation with myself. “Goddamnit, Kevin. What are you doing? What are you doing? You’re almost 40 years old, you’re still doing the same dumb shit, grow up! Grow up!” Me realizing I had to grow up meant that I had to go back to my wife, make my wife feel secure and understanding that I was done doing the dumb shit. That put me in heavy “kiss-my-wife’s-ass” mode. That’s a bad place to be, fellas. I don’t know if you’ve been there, but it’s a fucked up place. You do the same thing everyday. “Yep, yep, yep, whatever you need.” This is all you do. “Yep, yep, yep. I got it, I got it. I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it, I’ll do it.” Every day. With that being said, you’re now fighting for your woman’s security. Now when you try to fight to make sure your woman feels secure, you end up being insecure as a man. The reason why is because you’re questioning yourself. Is she happy? Is she satisfied? Is the sex still good? I’m gonna ask her. No, I can’t. If I ask her, I look weak. Now you start searching.

True story. I went out, I bought a mirror, put it on my ceiling for no reason at all. It was a Tuesday, true story. You don’t do no shit like that on a Tuesday. That’s a weekend move. Not a Tuesday move. It was all good until I caught a reflection of myself in that mirror when we were fucking. Let me tell you something, people. Whatever you think you look like when you fucking, I promise you, you don’t look like that. I promise you. I’m not talking about you posing in front of the mirror. I’m talking about an unexpected glimpse of yourself in the goddamn mirror. I saw the bottom of my feet. I have never been more disgusted with myself as a man until I saw the bottom of my goddamn feet. My feet were black as shit. Where was I at? I didn’t wear shoes today? Jesus Christ! I wouldn’t fuck nobody with feet like this! It’s disgusting. My back was ashy, I had bumps on my ass. When did my ass break out like this? Had a full batch of measles on my ass and didn’t know it. I immediately booked a doctor’s appointment. “Y’all gotta fix this. I got braille on my butt, this is disgusting.”

Whenever you go through any insecurities, especially when it comes to sex, as a man, we all turn to the same place for answers. Every man in this room has turned to porn at some point in time. Stupidest shit that a man can do. Here’s why I say it’s stupid. We don’t give people that do porn enough credit and enough respect. Those people are professional actors and actresses. That’s what they do for a living. You can’t just watch that shit and go home and try it. It don’t work like that. That’s like watching a karate movie, going outside, getting in a fight, telling everybody to back up so you can roundhouse kick this n i g g a in the head. You don’t know how to do that kick. It’s the same thing with porn. I’m not speaking from a hypothetical place. I’ve been there. I’ve done it. I’ve tried it. I watched porn with my wife. Tried to do the shit that I saw. I was nervous about it. I was having a conversation with myself. Should I do it? Should I fucking do it? Should I try it? I had good Kevin on this side. Bad Kevin was on this side. Good Kevin popped up. Good Kevin had on a pair of khakis and a v-neck sweater. He said, “Absolutely not. Don’t do it. That’s a good woman. You talk to her first.” Bad Kevin popped up. Bad Kevin had on a pair of leather pants and a fishnet tank top. He was doing this, “Bad, Kevin.” Bad, Kevin said, “You going to listen to a man with khakis on? No, no!” He said, “Do it then, do it!” Out of nowhere, I spit on my wife. Puh! It was quick. Right in the fucking forehead. Puh! A loogie right on her goddamn forehead. [woman cackles] There was an awkward beat of silence. Nobody said nothing. It was quiet. Out of nowhere, she was like, “You just fucking spit on me!” The complete opposite reaction from the lady in the porn. The lady in the porn went crazy when it happened. She was like… [whimpering] Ooooh! Ooooh! This spit making me so hot! Oh! This spit gonna make me cum. Oh! In my mind, I was like, “That’s how you make them cum.” You gotta spit on their fucking heads. I’ve been doing it wrong all this time. I even told my wife, “You’re not doing it right. You got to rub it in. That’s how you fucking cum.” I had to go downstairs, get a baby wipe. Clean her head off. That was embarrassing. I go to get back in the bed. She want to talk about it.

What did I tell you guys? I don’t like to talk. Let it float in the air and disappear. I don’t want to talk about it. As soon as I get in the bed, she was like, “Did you really just spit on me?” I almost lied, I almost lied. Even though I know that she know that I know I did it, I almost fucking lied. The reason why is because bad Kevin popped back up. Bad Kevin was like… “Say it was a leak in the ceiling.” I said, “Now get… the hell out of here bad Kevin.” “Yes. Yes. I spit on you. Why? I don’t know. I was watching porn, I saw some shit, I tried it.” She said, “Kevin let me tell you something. I don’t care if you watch porn. Don’t be stupid enough to bring the shit you saw in our house.” She said, “I watch porn all the time. I don’t try to do the shit that I saw to you.” I said, “Er… Back the fuck up. When did this become a [shouting] whorehouse? The hell you mean you watching porn? What the hell are you watching?” She’s like, “Everything.” [echoing] Argh! Instantly, it got hurt. The reason why it hurt me is because I fucking couldn’t separate my pride from reality. This is a problem that all men have. See, reality is, if she wants to watch porn, she can. If I want to watch porn, I can. That’s how it should be. But my pride… my pride won’t let it be that way. My pride wanted to know what she was watching. I want to see it. Let me see it with my eyes. I want to see it. She said, “You want to see it?” “Let me see it.” She got her laptop, opened it up. She said, “My porn search is in my cookies. All you got to do is search my cookies.” I said, “You better get me a glass of milk ’cause I’m about to eat all these goddamn cookies.” The shit that I saw hurt my heart. It hurt me. The reason why is because her porn search was the complete opposite of who I am. Everything I saw was big. Everything was big. Big balls to the walls, big bats on big blacks, big cocks and socks. What the fuck is going on? One of the sites wasn’t even porn. It was a bunch of tall men being active. They were changing light bulbs, putting shit on shelves, hanging paintings. What kind of sick shit is this? What the fuck is this? She was like, “You can’t do none of that stuff, I like that stuff.” Agh! [chuckles] I went out and bought me one of them grab sticks after that. You know those sticks? They got the claw on it, so you can grab stuff. I went and bought one. I didn’t tell her. I just put it under my bed, waited for the next time we were having sex. I was like, “Yo. You know this picture by the bed is crooked.” She was like… “Don’t worry about it, we’ll get somebody to come and fix it.” I was like, “Or not.” And I fucking… I got the stick. She was like… [whimpering] Ohhhh! “You fucking like that shit? You like that shit?”

Grab stick saved my marriage is what I’m trying to tell you all, man. It’s important to understand that you go through levels in life. There’s tons of levels, man. As you go through these levels, fucking just understand what they were, and become better. I’m gonna give you guys one gem. If you take nothing from this show tonight, take this one piece of information with you. So many people are on this journey to live a perfect life. I personally think it’s stupid. The reason why I say it’s stupid is because you have no idea what perfection is, unless you’ve experienced imperfection. The point that I’m making, is that you should embrace your flaws and fuck-ups because they help make you who you’re supposed to be. Don’t run away from your bullshit. Embrace it and become better. – That’s my message. – [crowd applauding]

Now… right now… right now, we’re actually at a new stage. We just had a baby. Nine months ago. Kenzo Kash Hart, man. Thank you. Father of three! Father of three now. Now, here’s the thing. People thought I was playing around when I first talked about it, but I wasn’t. I didn’t know if I really wanted to have another baby. I felt like I did it. I got the best of both worlds. I got a boy. I got to girl. We’re married. “My kids are your kids. You got kids. Those are your kids.” She was like, “I know but they’re old. I want new ones.” “First of all, listen to me. Don’t talk about my fucking kids like they’re used cars. Ain’t nothing wrong with these goddamn kids.” She’s like, “I know I just want new ones.” The thing is, I didn’t know if I had the patience to deal with kids. That two year old age, you need patience to deal with a two-year-old baby. All you do is repeat yourself all goddamn day to a two-year-old child. You say the same shit over and over again. Hey, hey, come here, look at me. Hey. Look at me. What did I say? No. Come here, look at me, hey, look at me. What did I… no! Come here, look at me. Hey, hey, what did I… look at me. What did I say? What? No, come here. Look… Hey, hey. Look at… you want to get, ah! You want to… no! Come here, look at me. Ain’t nobody got time to do that shit all day.

Ladies, stop assuming that every man has that patience because we don’t. We don’t have the patience. Another thing ladies… Stop making these old ass men have these fucking babies. I was at a park. I saw a 63-year-old man with a two-year-old baby. It was sad. He was treating the baby like a loose basketball at the playground. “Hey, hey, grab that baby, hey, goddamn. Ah! Fucking back! Goddamn! Somebody grab that, baby. Throw that baby back.” But he was a cool old head. You know, those old head that are stuck in that era? In this era right here? He was cool as shit. He did not know how to work none of the baby shit. So he was trying to get my attention. He was like, “Hey, hey. Youngblood! Hey, youngblood, let me holler at you real quick, hey. Youngblood. [sings] Stay it! [normal] Youngblood, let me holler at you real quick. – [crowd erupts] – Let me holler at you, youngblood. I got the stroller up, but I can’t get it down. It’s like a hard dick on a good night. Hello. Give me some. Come on now, youngblood. Give me some. You know, what I’m talking about.” I said, “Look, it’s a tap and release. All you do is tap the middle section and the stroller gone collapse.” He said, “Show me how to do it, youngblood.” I tapped the stroller, the stroller collapsed. He lost it. He said, “Get out! Shit! Yeah, yeah. Youngblood, can you follow me to my car help me properly strap my baby in the car seat? I don’t think I did it right on the way over here. Let’s just say I made a left and my baby slid from the right and smacked her head on the glass on the left hand side. She was bleeding and everything. I’ll tell her mother it happened at the playground, but between us, it did not. Give me some. Come on now, hello. You know what I’m talking about.”

Ladies, I will say this though. When it comes to having patience, you got it. I take my hat off to you. You actually deserve all the accolades that come your way when it comes to dealing with a child, ladies. Feeding your kid, bathing your kid, clothing your kid, to school, from school, potty training. Some of you do it while you work, it’s un-fucking-believable. Unbelievable. But… but… the one thing that you are not, ladies, is fun. You’re not fun. I know some women instantly got an attitude. “What? Bullshit! I’m fucking fun. You don’t even know. I’m so much fun.” No, you’re not. You’re not. You’ve never heard a kid say, “I can’t wait to get home and play with my mom.” You ain’t never heard that. It’s never happened. The reason why is because you try to blur the lines, ladies. You want to do it all. You want to be the fun parent and the disciplinarian. You can’t be both. You gotta pick one. See, the fun tag gets slapped on the dad’s back. We don’t ask for it. It’s just the way it is. We don’t want to be the disciplinarian either, but you make us become the disciplinarian. As soon as a man walks in the house, you hit him with the bullshit. “Go in there and go fuck that baby up!” “What? What? I just got home. I just walked in the house.” “You going to let him disrespect us?” “Us?” “Ain’t nobody said shit to me. Ain’t nobody said shit to me.” Now, you’ve gotta give a confused ass-whipping. “Your mother said I got to fuck you up.” “What I do?” “I don’t know. I don’t know what you did. She said fuck you up or get fucked up. I choose you. I’m gonna fuck you up.”

Right now, I know some women are thinking to themselves like, “So what Kevin? If it’s about having fun, then just go have fun.” It’s not that easy. Having fun is a very difficult job. The reason why I say that is because kids don’t know how to shut fun off. Kids think fun lasts forever. I’ll tell you the scariest shit in the world for a man to see after a long day at work. Long day at work, you get home, you put your key in the door, you open up that door real slow. Scariest shit in the world for a man to see is that baby with all that energy on the other side. “Oh, yeah! Daddy home. It’s time to play. I want to play, Daddy. I’ve been taking naps with Mommy all day. I want to play that game where you try to close your eyelids and I keep opening them back up. Oh, yeah. It’s time to play, Daddy.”

I make a bet. I make a bet right now to every man in this room that has a child, has done what I’m about to say at least one time. At least one time. Long day at work, you’re in your car, driving home. You pull in your driveway. When you pull in your driveway, that baby with all that energy runs to the window, opens up the blinds. Oh, yeah! Daddy home. It’s time to play. You see the baby in the blinds. The baby sees you. You and the baby are looking at each other. You locked eyes with a goddamn baby. You’re staring at the baby, the baby staring at you. And you back out the driveway. You back out the goddamn driveway. Fuck that baby today. I’d rather go back to work and throw boxes at the goddamn wall than deal with that baby today. “Where are you going, Daddy?” “Fuck you, baby. Fuck you, baby.”

You’re only laughing because it’s true. With that being said, it’s very important to understand your patience. You got to know your patience levels. The older you get, the thinner your patience gets. My patience is definitely wearing thin. I know it is. You know how I know? Because I’m not the same guy that I used to be with my dogs. I’m a dog dude, people. I love dogs, you hear me? I love dogs. Shouts out to my other dog lovers if you’re here tonight. – Shouts out to you. – [crowd members whooping] Love dogs. I got two dogs. I got a big ass Doberman. That’s Roxy. That’s my heart. Love Roxy to death. Then we got a little Min Pin. That’s Riggs. I’m gonna be honest. I don’t give a fuck about that dog. That’s my wife’s dog. I don’t care. I don’t care about that dog. But my dog, my dog is trained, trained to the max.

But I got comfortable. I got comfortable with my dog. When you get comfortable, things change. True story, I wake up 5:30 in the morning, I walk in my hallway. My dog went to the bathroom in the hallway. I see it. I got a decision to make. Do I go get my dog, discipline my dog and clear this up right now? Or do I back into bed and deal with it later when I wake up? It’s 5:30. I chose to get back into bed. I’ll deal with it later when I wake up. 7:15 my wife wakes up, all I hear is, “Oh, my God! The dog went to the bathroom in the hallway.” I sat up acting like I didn’t know nothing. “You got to be fucking kidding me!” I said, “You want me to get it? You want me to clean it up?” She was like, “No, I’m up now. I’ll get it.” I was like, “Exactly.” Exactly. I knew you’d get it. That’s why I left it there. I “exactly-d” you. At that moment, I thought to myself, “Goddammit, Kevin. Is this the kind of man you want to be? Do you want to be the man who doesn’t give a 100% ’cause you know your other half is going to put up the percentage you failed to give?” No, I don’t. I don’t.

I was about to be, I was about to be that guy until my best friend, Harry, showed up in my house with his two-year-old baby. Harry’s got a two-year-old baby. I call his baby a great baby. Let me tell you what I mean when I say a great baby. A great baby is a baby that does adult shit at a baby age. Now, Harry showing up at my house with his baby unannounced was a bitch move. I didn’t like that at all. That was a bitch move. But my wife fell for it. As soon as she saw the baby, she was like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No. No. You haven’t had a break since you had that baby. Leave the baby with me and Kev. We gonna watch the baby for y’all today.” He said, “Kev is that okay with you?” I said, “As you can see, I don’t run my household. I have no control over my household.” They leave the baby with us. They get in the car, they drive off. Here’s how I knew this was a great baby. When they drive off, the great baby’s waving bye, she’s on the front step. She turns around, taps me on the leg twice. She said, “Pardon me.” I said, “What the fuck did you just say?” That’s a little black baby. I’ve never heard a black person say “pardon me.” Never! I move out the way. The great baby walks in the kitchen. I tell my wife the great baby might be hungry. Let’s see if she wants something to eat. “You want a sandwich?” Great baby says, “Yes.” We make a sandwich, put it on a plate, set it on the countertop. The plate made a noise when it hit the countertop. The great baby tapped the countertop and looked at me. She said, “Granite? Is it granite?” I said, “What the fuck? Yes. Yes, great baby. That is a granite countertop.” Who’s been watching HGTV with this baby? I’m blown away. At this point, I feel like I don’t even need to be around the baby. I’ve seen enough. I go in the living room, I finish watching TV. Great baby follows me, get on the couch, starts watching TV with me. We get done watching TV, the great baby gets off the couch, but she didn’t get off the couch like a regular baby. Regular babies turn on their stomach and slide down until their feet hit something. Sometimes it’s the floor, sometimes it’s not. That’s the gamble that a regular baby is willing to take. The great baby didn’t do that. The baby sat up at the edge and jumped. She landed, put both hands in the air. She looked at me, she said, “Ten? Is it a ten?” You’re fucking right it’s a goddamn ten, great baby. You stuck the shit out of that landing!

At this point, I’ve seen enough! I’ve seen enough, I’m blown away by her. She can take care of herself. Great baby is now walking all over the house. Once again, this is a true story. Ten minutes go by. Ten minutes go by. I smell shit. I smell it. I turn around, there’s a pile of shit in the middle of my living room floor. My Doberman’s on this side, the great baby is on this side. Now I’m pissed. My dog didn’t bark. “You didn’t scratch the door. Now you’re in trouble.” I grab my dog by the collar. I discipline my dog. “You know better than this. You don’t go to the bathroom in the house and more importantly, you don’t embarrass me in front of this goddamn great baby.” I go put my dog in the cage. I go back to clean it up. I look at it. That’s not my dog’s shit. I know what my dog’s shit looks like. It don’t look like that. I look at the great baby. The great baby got on a white Pamper. There’s no shit anywhere around the Pamper. Now, I’m confused. ‘Cause I know what I’m looking at. Somebody’s shitting on the floor. I’m looking at shit on the floor. Somebody’s shitted on the floor. I’m so confused. I go wake my wife up. My wife’s sleeping on the couch. “Babe.” “Babe, wake up. Wake up.” “What?” “Hey. Wake up!” “What?” “Hey! Did you shit on that floor before you laid on this goddamn couch?” – “What?” – “Did you shit on the floor before you laid on this goddamn couch?” – “Ain’t nobody shit on no floor.” – “Somebody’s shitted on the floor.” I turn back around. Me and the great baby lock eyes. Now, I feel like the great baby’s trying to play me. I said, “Great baby, I been nothing but good to you, since you been in my house. You came in the house, you wanted something to eat. I made you a sandwich. We watched TV. You jumped off the couch. I gave you a ten. For you to shit on my floor is disrespectful. Did you shit on my floor?” The great baby was like, “Pardon me?” “Shut the… Shut up, shut up! Shut up! Did you shit on my floor?” Great baby put both hands in the air and turned around as if to say, “Check me.” I take two fingers. I put my fingers in the back of the Pamper. I pull the Pamper out. There’s no shit in the back of the Pamper. At this point, I’m fucked up in the head. Now, I question myself. Did… Did I shit on the floor? I didn’t shit on no floor. I would know if I shitted on the floor. I didn’t shit on the floor. I apologize to the great baby. “Great baby, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have came at you like that. You been great since you’ve been in my house. You know what I’m gonna do? Look at my security cameras.” I got cameras all over the house. I go look at the cameras. Whoever shit on my floor was a mastermind. This was a planned attack. I say that because they shitted in the one blind spot that I have in my house. I couldn’t see a damn thing from this spot. So I had to take one for the team. I go get the cleaning materials. I come back, I clean it up. It took me 45 minutes to get this up out of the carpet. I’m pissed! Pissed! Harry comes back to get the great baby. “You had a good time? You all enjoy the baby?” My wife is ecstatic. “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. We love that baby.” “What about you Kev?” I said, “That’s a great baby. You’re doing a good job. Can we talk? Away from everybody, please? I just want to tell you that I snapped on the great baby. I was pissed off ’cause somebody shitted on my floor.” He said, “What?” I said, “Somebody shitted on my floor.” He said, “Oh, my God. She did that.” I said, “Excuse me?” He said, “She did that. She know how to take her Pamper, pull it to the side to shit wherever she’s at. Then she’ll put the Pamper back. I forgot to tell you that when I dropped her off.” “How the fuck do you forget to tell me that?” That should’ve been the first thing you said when you dropped this shitty-ass baby off at my goddamn house.” My dog came up. My dog was like, “You got to put that bitch in the cage.” I said, “Hey. Hey! Go lay down, go lay down.” I said, “Dude, I’m pissed off. It took me 45 minutes to get it out of the carpet.” My wife was like, “Exactly.” I said, “Babe, not now. Let me handle it.” She said, “I’m just saying ‘Exactly.'” I said, “Exactly what?” She said, “I saw the baby when she did it, but I didn’t feel like cleaning up, so I just acted like I was asleep.” I said, “Ain’t this about a bitch? Ain’t this about a bitch?” She “exactly-d” me back, people. She got me good.

I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I don’t really like having company over my house. I don’t. The reason why… is because my house got robbed. Whenever your house gets robbed, it messes with you mentally. It’s all about protecting my household. I’m the man of the house. I’m going to protect my household. So I went out. I bought nine guns. Put them in secret compartments all over my house. Understand something. You cannot put guns in secret compartments in your house without playing out fake scenarios in your head that help justify you putting the guns in these places. This is where you go crazy. I was in the house for three hours by myself, acting out shit that never happened. Oh… Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me at the front door? – Okay… Okay. – [tense action music begins] I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me check the mailbox one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re going to do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the guest bathroom? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me wipe my ass one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit. This how you gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the kitchen while I’m cooking for my family on Thanksgiving? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me open the oven and check on the turkey one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! This how you’re gonna do me? Huh? You going to rob me in the living room while I’m sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, masturbating? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just let me log off of PornHub one last time. Gun compartment. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! [laughs] This… This how you’re gonna do me? You gonna… You’re going to rob me in the laundry room while taking… while I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. Alright, we got… Oh… No I gotta… I gotta get through it. Let me get through it. This is my favorite joke, alright. You… [choking with laughter] You… You gonna rob me in the laundry room? While I’m taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them in the dryer? Okay. Okay. I’ma give you what you want. I’ma give you what you want. Just… just let me add some fabric softener sheets. Gun compartment. Yeah, nine guns all over the house. Then I got robbed again in the one spot that I forgot to put a gun. So I spent the whole time I was getting robbed trying to get them to go where the guns were. Come on man, fuck! Agh. [high-pitched] That’s how you’re gonna do me? Don’t nobody got to use the guest bathroom? Come on, man. I’ll wipe your butt. I’ll wipe your butt, please! Please… Y’all just gonna rob me on empty stomachs? Don’t nobody want no left-over turkey? It’s in the oven. At least let me masturbate on the couch one last time. Come on, man. I ain’t gay. I’m just trying to have a good time. Don’t do me like this. Let me get my clothes out the washing machine and put them in the dryer. Are you gonna let my clothes mildew, you selfish son of a bitch. [chuckling]

I still allow my closest friends to come over my house once a month. Once a month. We have game night at my house once a month. I’m gonna be honest with you, people. I personally don’t like game night. I can’t stand game night. I think game night brings the worst out in couples, especially in my household ’cause we’re way too competitive. We play Monopoly. But I don’t like the way we play Monopoly. We don’t play it correctly. We allow the negotiations to go outside of the game of Monopoly. For example, here’s how we negotiate. Let’s say we’re playing. Right, here’s how we negotiate. I say, “Alright, look. You can land on my property two times without paying, but you got to pay my parking ticket that I got in real life yesterday. If you agree to that… That’s our deal.

You understand what I’m saying?” Last time we played, I got pissed because the women got drunk. When women get drunk… Women, you guys can get stupid when you get drunk. You got two levels, ladies. You got “not drunk” and “stupid.” You skip all this space, like literally! You just hop over all the fucking space. It’s either, “No, I’m not drinking like that tonight,” or it’s, “Oh, my God, I’m so fucked up!” It’s one or the other. It’s so… “Oh, my God! I can’t believe I got this fucked up. Somebody put one of the Monopoly pieces in my butt.” “What? What did you say?” “I’m so fucked up!” They messed up the game and I was killing the game. I was destroying the goddamn game.

Now, I can admit I’m very childish when I play board games. Very childish. Whenever you land on my property, I make DJ noises. [DJ air horn] Every time you land on my property. [DJ air horn] You gotta pay that. You gotta fucking pay that. [DJ air horn] My wife was drunk. She landed on my property, I lit her up. [DJ air horn] You gotta fucking pay that! You gotta pay that! Ever seen a woman when she’s drunk? She tries to talk like she’s not drunk, but she’s clearly drunk. She was like, “Alright, alright. Alright… It ain’t even that serious like… How… how m- [hiccups] How m… how much… how much I owe you? What I owe you?” I look down, she don’t have no money. “You don’t even have money! Stop wasting time, take your piece, put it in the box. Give the fuck up, you lost! [DJ air horn] Get the fuck out of here.” “You gonna do me like that. You gonna do your wife like that?” “Yes! Yes!” It’s a game, all I want to do is win. I took her piece. I plucked it, bam! That shit shot across the room somewhere. [DJ air horn] “Get the fuck out of here.” All my trash-talk is within the game of Monopoly. She takes it outside the game of Monopoly. She goes, “All you want to do is win? That’s all you want to do? Well, all I want to do is cum sometimes.” “What? Whatcha? What? What? The fuck’s that got to do with anything? What’s that got to do with the goddamn game?” Out of nowhere, Harry and Wayne stood up, like… [DJ air horn] “He don’t make her cum.” I said, “Ain’t this a bitch?” I got mad. I messed up the game. “Everybody out, get the fuck out, everybody out my house. Get out!” They start walking out, Harry and Wayne was like, “Man, fuck this house and his fake-ass guard dogs.”

When he said that, a light bulb went off in my head for the first time. I immediately thought to myself… Where were my dogs when I got robbed? Where… were my dogs? I run. I go look at those security cameras. I’ll be damned if I didn’t see four eyes in the closet doing this shit right here. They looked at the whole thing. You could hear them talking. “Goddamn, they’re taking everything. You see this? This is ridiculous. They’re not leaving nothing behind. I’m glad we got our stuff in here. You got your bed, you got your bowl. He gotta get a guard dog. I’m not going to live like this. This is not safe for us.” Bitch, you are the guard dog! [Kevin laughs]

You need friends like the ones I got. I have amazing friends, man. I truly believe that I would not be where I am today, if it were not for my support group. My friends have a lot to do with my level of success. That’s why I’m loyal to them, that’s why I’m true to them. Over the summer, I took them to Japan. I said, “Let’s do something different. Let’s embrace another culture. The word “No” cannot exist.” They said, “You bet, let’s do it.” We go to Japan. First thing they wanted to do in Japan is go to the amusement park. Now, if you really know me, if you really follow me, you know I don’t like amusement parks. But I said the word “no” doesn’t exist and that’s what I meant. We go to the amusement park in Japan. When we got there, I have to be honest. I was blown away. The shit was incredible. The reason why I was blown away is because I… I was the tallest person in the park. This is a true story. It’s a true story. They were calling me Godzilla. I gave advice that I never give, telling people to drink milk, eat their vegetable, shit I’ve never said.

We go to get on a roller-coaster. Once again, I don’t do roller coasters. But I said the word “no” doesn’t exist, and that’s what I meant. We go to get on this roller coaster and it made me realize how spoiled some of us are. We’re very spoiled. For example, we go to the amusement park. We get on a roller coaster, you’re used to hearing a click when you put the shit over your head. [clicks] That’s how you know you’re locked in. Ha, ha. Yeah. Let’s go bitch, locked and loaded. I’m ready. In Japan, there was no click. They put the shit over me. I can still move it. I was like… I got no click. My shit ain’t clicked I ain’t got no click, yo. I look down my row at some Japanese people in the aisle. I was like, “Yo, I ain’t got no click.” This lady took her camera out, started taking pictures. I was like, “Bitch, no. This ain’t the time for that. It’s not the time for that. This is serious.” Japanese guys walking back down the aisle. I flag him down. I’m like, “Yo, I ain’t got no click. I ain’t got no click. My shit ain’t clicked.” Scariest moment of my life. He looked me in the eye. We lock eyes together. He goes, “So excited! So excited!” I said, “What? What’d you just say?” “So excited, so excited.” It started moving. The roller coaster started moving. I can’t jump out ’cause it’s too high. So I wrap up my arm under the bar. I said, “God, not like this. You didn’t bring me to Japan to end it like this, did you? Don’t do it like this.” It takes off. When it takes off, my stomach immediately falls in my ass, immediately! My belly button and my ass-hole was touching. It was doing this. I started farting and burping. [makes farting noises] “Oh, God I’m gonna die. I’m gonna fucking die. I know it, I’m about to die right now.” It turns out, it was one stop. It was a tram. This took you to the roller coaster. Ain’t nobody told me that. They don’t communicate in Japan. The name of the roller coaster was “So excited.” So excited! We got on the roller coaster and they were like, “So excited!” I said, “No, I’m not! You don’t see these faeces on my back. I shitted all on myself. Get me the hell out of here.” [laughs]

Japan was very tough for me, very tough. The reason why Japan was so tough for me is because I didn’t have a translator. Nobody told me that I needed a translator. When we got there and saw that I needed one, “Fuck it, it’s too late. I got to figure it out.” Here’s why it was very tough. I don’t eat seafood, people. I’m allergic to seafood. Everywhere you go to eat in Japan, it’s all seafood. Now, you don’t want to be racist, you don’t want to be an asshole, but you end up doing racist asshole shit by accident when you try to communicate. ‘Cause you don’t speak the language, so you just mimic what they do when they talk. It’s the most racist thing I’ve ever done in my life. “Chicken” Chicken. Oh, fuck it. I just can’t get low. Chicken… [strange accent] Chicken. I saw a reflection of myself. Immediately got disappointed. Jesus Christ, Kevin, look at you. I had a Snickers bar. Lasted me for four days. I’d just take a bite, put it in my pocket. I was weak. I was fucking weak, man. I was like, “I’m hungry, I need to eat.” My friends wanted to go out the last night. I said, “I can’t. I’m about to die. Y’all go. I just want to go to bed, wake up, get on the plane and eat.” That’s all I want to do. They go out, I stay home. I wake up in the middle of night. My stomach is killing me. I called the front desk. A woman picked up the phone. She said, “Hello, front desk, may I help you?” It was the first time that I heard English outside of my friends in Japan. You would have thought that I was Tom Hanks in Castaway. I lost it. [screams] Ah! Chicken! [sobbing] Please! Chicken! She was like, “Sir, calm down. Calm down. – What room are you in?” – “I don’t know.” She said, “Look at the phone. Your room number is on the phone.” Okay. I’m… I’m in room… I’m in room… line, line, dash, cross house. I don’t know how to read it. It looks like an abandoned building with no windows, made out of bamboo sticks, I don’t know. So excited… I don’t know. Help!”
Did you get it? Did you get the joke? You got it. ‘Cause the way they write their numbers. You got it? I felt like you should have gave a bigger laugh. I don’t think your laugh was… is what it should have been. I almost threw this goddamn microphone at your head just now, sir.

I love the fact that I can travel. I love the fact that I can take my kids to places that I never dreamed or imagined I’d be able to. Every year around the holidays, I take my kids to Aspen. I don’t want you to think I take my kids to Aspen because we can ski because we cannot! I just like that we’re the only black people there when we go. It looks great. It just looks good. Last time we went, I actually got into an accident on the bunny slopes. I’m trying to learn how to ski. Now, the bunny slopes, they don’t give you ski poles, they take your ski poles away. They want you to get comfortable with going from right to left and falling. So I’m on the bunny slopes. They push me down the slope. I’m in my ski stance, right? I’m going down. Out the corner of my eye, I see a kid coming this way. Now, I’m not good at math. I’m not good at math at all, but I know if he keeps coming this way and I keep going this way, we going to fuck each other up somewhere up here. As I’m getting closer, I’m like, “I’m about to hit this kid.” My instructor start yelling, “Fall! Fall!” I’m trying, I can’t. I can’t, they didn’t teach me, I’m not going down. Now I gotta make a decision. Do I just run this kid over and keep going? Or do I become a hero? I chose to do some hero shit. As I got closer, I picked the kid up. When I picked the kid up, I thought that the weight would make me stop. But instead, we did a little hop. And we start going down another slope, but this… This was the real shit. This was not a part of the bunny slope. I knew it was real ’cause when we start going down, this lady, she was like, “He got my baby!” I was like,”That’s not good. That is not good at all.” I said, “God, please don’t let this baby be white. Don’t let this be a white baby.” ‘Cause I couldn’t see the baby, the baby had on a snowsuit. I lift up that visor, that little Japanese head popped out like this. That baby says, “So excited!” Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I got nervous, just left the baby there. I had to go.

Last time we went, I got pissed off because the singer Seal showed up on my black week. I was pissed. It was my black week. I’ve been coming here for the last four to five years on this week. For you to show up on my black week is very selfish and inconsiderate of you, Seal. He said, “Kev, what are you talking about? You don’t own this week.” I said, “Hell if I don’t. I do.” He said, “I didn’t know you skied.” I said, “Why else would I be here unless I skied?” He said, “What mountain are you going to?” “Which one are you going to?” He said, “Buttermilk, the big one.” I said, “Well, I guess I’ll see you there.” I go to my instructor, “Hey, man, Seal is here. He’s trying to out-black me on my black week. You got to take me and my family up to Buttermilk Mountain. My instructor took us up to Buttermilk mountain. When we got there, he was very honest. He said, “Look, you guys have no business being up here.” He said, “This mountain is way too advanced for you guys. You don’t know how to maneuver. If you go straight, you’re going to die. So we got to chop the mountain up, we got to make big S’s going down the mountain.” I said, “Perfect. You go first, then me, then my son, then my daughter then my wife.” In my mind, if anybody falls, they’re going to fall on me. That’s how I’ll keep my family together. That’s what I’m thinking in my head. Okay? We start going down the mountain. Exactly what he said, It’s coming true. We’re making big S’s. Out of nowhere, a gust of wind shoots by my face. I turn around. I don’t see my son. I have no idea… where my son is. I turned back around this way. The instructor said, “Oh, my God, your son is going straight, I’ll go get him.” I said “No, you’re not. You’re doing no such thing. He made his choice. He chose death. That’s what he chose.” You’re not about to go save him and leave us stranded. Next thing you know, I got to eat my wife’s ass to survive. My wife was like, “I still ain’t going to cum.” “Will you shut the fuck… shut up!” My daughter was like… [DJ air horn] “Shut… everybody shut up!” Out of nowhere, Seal came flying over the mountain. Seal was like, “I’ll save him!” The crowd starts fucking cheering. His music start playing out, I don’t even know where the goddamn speakers were. I’m pissed! I told my instructor, “Hey, man, get me to the bottom of the mountain, Seal is trying to out-black me on my black week.” We get down to the bottom of the mountain, Seal’s got my son on his shoulders. It’s a crowd of people around him celebrating. I’m pissed. Pissed! Seal! Give me back my fucking son, right now, give me my son. He said, “You need to be thanking me for saving your son’s life.” “Ain’t nobody ask you to do that. I was willing to live with the consequences. Give my fucking son back, right now.” He said, “You’re not to talk to me like that in front of these people.” I said, “Fuck you and these people.” Seal popped out his skis without using his hands. Pop, pop. He got in a fighting stance. I tried to do the same thing, but I couldn’t do it. I just ended up leaning all over the place like Michael Jackson in that fucking “Smooth Criminal” video. The crowd thought it on purpose. They were like, “Oh!” He said, “Cuss at me again, Kevin, I’m gonna bust your ass.” I said, “Fuck you.” He said, “Fuck you.” When he said it, a piece of spit flew out his mouth, landed on my wife’s forehead. My wife said, “Ahhh! [echoing] I’m cumming!”

It’s been real London and my name is Kevin Hart, goddamnit. I appreciate the love. Thank you guys so much. I fucking love you. I love you. And you best believe I’ll be back!

[50 Cent ft. Chris Brown “I’m The Man”]
♪ Came in the game gettin’ money ♪
♪ Flippin’ checks, whip it, Gettin’ money ♪
♪ N i g g a s get to playin’ with the money Clique bang for the money ♪
♪ Shit changed over money ♪
♪ They love to see a n i g g a on the bottom ♪
♪ Catch it coming, Gotta keep it on the low ♪
♪ A n i g g a plug bless a n i g g a With a whole ♪
♪ Wanna break the bitch down Into 36 O’s ♪
♪ Looky here, bitch, I’m A-okay Shorty wanna fuck with me ♪
♪ Stripping, yeah, the jiggy, n i g g a Lady, she gon’ hit my line ♪
♪ We ain’t gon’ waste no time ♪
♪ She sucking and we fucking Like she need me ♪
♪ While she make a bankroll easy ♪
♪ All the light in the room from the TV ♪
♪ We gettin’ it on then I’m gone It’s the type of shit that a n i g g a be on ♪
♪ Too much on my mind right now ♪
♪ I’m on the grind right now ♪
♪ Looking for me, sucker, Then I need to be found right now ♪
♪ I got my nine right now Bitch, I’ll blow your mind right now ♪
♪ I ain’t fucking around right now ♪
♪ Better get in line right now ♪
♪ Or fuck around and die right now ♪
♪ Hope you understand that ♪
♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man ♪
♪ You know I’m the man ♪
♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪
♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪
♪ Bitch, I’m the man, ho, I’m the man You know I’m the man ♪