NIKKI GLASER: PERFECT (2016) – Full Transcript

2018-05-17T15:41:05-07:00 May 16th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Nikki Glaser: Perfect (2016)

* * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh * * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh * * I cannot touch that thing * It is not mine * I do not take, I do not take * * No matter how you shine * I cannot take a gift * That isn’t true * * I love myself, I love myself * * Too much to love you.

Thank you, guys. Thank you, thank you. New York, thank you. Stop it. Stop it. How are you guys? Yeah, I am whoo too. I’m feeling whoo. I… it’s so good to be here. I am in the prime of my life. I’m in my late 20s. I’m 31, and it’s just… It’s going great. I… that’s a woman’s age. Like, I am a woman, but I don’t feel like one most of the time. I’m still feeling like a girl a lot of times. Like, I’m still relating to Taylor Swift songs on a level I definitely shouldn’t, you know? But, like, my back hurts a lot, so I’m like, “Oh, that’s right, I can’t shake it off. “Like, I wish… I wish I could.” I’m on Snapchat, you know? But, like, I Google bunion surgery every day, so looking into that. It’s weird, like, I feel confident most of the time, but there are times when I’m like, “Ugh.” Like, the other day, I got jealous of a dog’s thigh gap. I’m not proud of that. Just like, “How does she do it?” “I have to switch to kibble. “I just got to do it. Bitch.”

But I’m just, like, not where I should be, I feel, as a 31-year-old. I don’t want a lot of things that girls my age want. I don’t want kids. I do want a baby, though, so it’s like, ugh, you know? ‘Cause that’s… They become that, and so… Yeah, I do want a baby, but, like, I feel like most women want babies, and that’s maybe why so many of us exist, ’cause babies are so cute, everyone wants one. They’re like the puppies of humans, I’ve heard. I think a scientist said that once, and, you know, it’s like… And that’s all you hear women say when they’re gonna have kids. They’re like, “Oh, we’re trying for a baby.” “Oh, we’re gonna have a baby.” “We just had a baby. Baby.” And it’s like, “Yeah, I know, but, like, “eventually it’s just gonna be some dude named Doug. “You know that, right? Like, it’s just gonna be a guy.” Like, it’s always “baby,” but it’s like, it’s a baby this much of the time you know it, and then it’s all Doug. Like, it’s just a… No one’s ever like, “Oh, we’re having a man.” That’s what you should say. “Yeah, I don’t want a Doug.” “I don’t,” but the thing is, I do want a baby. I have baby fever. Like, I see a baby, and I’m like, “Ugh.” My body’s just like, “Make one,” like, I just…

But again, you know, like, it’ll strike you in the weirdest times. My boyfriend sent me a picture of him holding his cousin’s new baby, and it was… It had to have been the hottest picture I’ve ever seen of my boyfriend. I was just, like, so attracted, ’cause he was, like, naked and fully erect, but it was also, like… That was it. I was like, “You never hold me like that, you know?” Just for Caleb?” Ugh. No, he was clothed. Still erect, but clothed, and… But he was just holding this baby. He just looked like a father, and I was just like, “Oh.” Like, it was so hot, but I was like, “I’ll never have that, like, ’cause I don’t want kids.” So I was like, “Is there a way he could, like, fuck me holding a baby?” Like, we could just, like, borrow a friend’s baby for a few minutes. Like, not… don’t think… It’s nothing gross. Like, he would just hold it like this. It wouldn’t even know. It would feel soothed and rocked, I feel like. It might fall asleep. I don’t know. If it wakes up, we’ll blindfold it. Like, I don’t want to damage your baby either, you know? Or if you have, like, a blind baby, that would be perfect. Is this weird, you guys? Is that a weird question?

I do… I like kids. I’m not good with kids, though. Some people are just naturally good with kids, like Bill Cosby. Like, he was so great with kids. We forget that. He was great with kids. Women not so much, but kids, just mmm! I’m not… I mean, I babysat for years, ’cause this family just never came home, but… That was difficult. It’s hard. Babysitting is hard. It’s like, “Ugh.” ‘Cause it’s like, you’re a mother, but you don’t love them, so it’s, like, hard to care. You know what I mean? I’m just like, “Your kid doesn’t look like me.” Like, I don’t care what happens.” Like, I wouldn’t be mean, but I was just like, “You can go watch TV. You’re not gonna be president.” Let’s be honest with ourselves. “Like, you know?” I’m sure your kids are different, though. I… yeah, I just feel like I’m past my prime to have kids a little bit.
Like, I feel like I should have done it in my teens. Like, that would have been the best time. It’s like they discourage it almost exclusively, but they shouldn’t. Like, when I was in high school, I was, like… I was… I’m busy now, but, like, what was I doing then, you know? Like, homework? Not really. Like, I had five years to just do whatever I wanted, you know? All I did was eat cereal and watch Saved by the Bell. Like, you can have a baby through all of that. It’s a great time to do it. First of all, your body bounces right back, so that’s sweet. Like, when you’re 16 and you have a baby at, like, 11:00 a.m., you can be at cheerleading practice at 4:00, top of the pyramid, ready to go. Maybe not the top. You’re still a little leaky, but you’re there. You could be there. I’m sure you’re suited up.
Also, if I had a baby now, like, my parents couldn’t help me at all. They live in St. Louis. I’m in L.A. Like, it would be too hard, but if… if you’re in high school and you have a kid, like, you live with your mom and dad or probably just your mom. Let’s be honest. Yeah, your dad probably split a while ago, but your mom’s there, you know? She’s hanging out, vaping, watching Dr. Phil, something like that. Like, I feel like that’s how she busies herself. She can help. She can… You could just hand the baby to her and be like, “Here, Mom, try again. “He’s yours now. “Yeah, you kind of fucked up the first time, “since that’s mine and I can’t drive, so… “Yeah, his name’s Mulligan. “I really feel like you can nail it this time if you just, like, focus and stop playing the lottery.” That would have been a good time. I’d have it over with too. If I had a baby when I was, like, 15, she’d be 16 now, probably have a granddaughter on the way. Like, that would be perfect for me. I could handle life as a nana, you know? That’s what I call my grandma, ’cause when I was little, I couldn’t pronounce “old bitch,” so that’s what I came up with, and that’s… No. No, she’s sweet. She wouldn’t even hurt a fly, ’cause flies don’t understand verbal abuse, so she would just, like, keep screaming at it and calling it fat, and it would keep flying. You know, they can’t hear, so… No, I shouldn’t do these jokes till she’s dead. It’s like, I can’t wait a week? You know, she’s very sick, but comedy comes first. That’s what she always said. She never said that, but… But, yeah, I just…

I might change my mind, though. I think girls change their mind about kids a lot. I got to decide kind of soon, though. If I wait too long, I’m gonna do a surrogacy, ’cause the longer you wait as a woman, the higher the risk that, you know, you won’t get your body back, and so I’m just gonna put that on someone else. It’s also… Like, I just found out that with a surrogacy, you can give your egg to a girl, and then it comes out of her looking like you. I didn’t know… I thought it had to look like Juno or whoever. Like, I didn’t know that you could just… I found this out. I’m like, “Why doesn’t everyone do that?” Like, I know it’s very expensive, but, like, if you could do it, why does anyone, like, say, “I want to have my own?” Because to me, that’s like… If someone was like, “Hey, do you want me to make you a pizza?” And you’re like, “No, I want to do it myself”, “but thank you. Yeah, I really want to bond with my pizza.” I’d be like, “Really? ‘Cause I can go make it for you.” “It’ll taste the same as if you make it, “and also your vagina won’t be ruined, so are you… you sure?” I’m like, “Please, make that.” Sounds gross, but I’ll eat it, but…”

But I do… there’s some things about having your own kid that I would be like, “Oh, that’d be fun.” Like, you can make them do stuff by telling them how long you carried them. Like, my mom used to do that to get me to clean my room. She’d be like, “Will you clean your room? I carried you for nine months, come on.” It never really worked on me, ’cause I was like, “Don’t tell me I was in there that long. “Like, I know how much you drink, “and, like, I’ve never seen you take a weekend off “that I can remember. “I doubt you went nine months when you were 25. “Like, I can do the math, you know? “Like, barely, ’cause you drank while you were pregnant with me, but…”

It’s a struggle. I have to go to Kumon every night. Oh, we got some Kumon fans in the crowd. What is the deal with Kumon? I’m so confused by that place. Okay, it’s, like, a tutoring place that you’re supposed to send your kids, but the sign… The logo… Is a bummed-out smiley face. It’s so confusing. It literally is, like, a sad, depressed smi… It’s just like, “Kumon,” like… I’m always like, “What’s going on?” And I’m always peering in. They’re like, “Ah,” as I get arrested, but, like, you just, like… I’m always like, “What’s going on at Kumon?” They won’t let you know, but here’s what I think is happening. I think it’s, like, a bunch of students, like, at desks working on their stuff, and then there’s just, like, tutors hanging over them just like, “Kumon.” Like, that’s all they say, but it works. I really hope that’s it. Please be it.

But, yeah. So, yeah, I might do a surrogacy. It is… it is a… It would be kind of fun, because you get to hang out with this chick all day. You know, she’s having your baby. Her name’s Brenda or whatever you name her. You get to name your surrogate. I heard that. I think that’s a thing. Brenda seems fitting. She’s hanging out with you, but your loved ones are gonna want to know why. Like, “Why… what’s wrong?” And, you know, you got to tell them a good reason. You can’t just be like, “Oh, I’m vain, so, you know… You know that about me.” Like, you can’t… You have to have… Like, you could say something like, “Oh, I’m barren,” and then bum everyone out, you know? Like, that’s the worst word. And I… honestly, I don’t want to say that, ’cause I think I might be, and I don’t want to jinx it, you know, like, I…

Yeah, it’s a miracle I haven’t been pregnant yet. Like, something… Not even a scare, you guys. Like, I’m a little suspish. Like, things aren’t working like they should. Like, I… I use the pill, but, like, I take the pill like people take fish oil. Like, “Oh, this would be good to do today.” Like, no, every day, same time. I can’t remember, so I switched to the IUD. My doctor put me on the IUD, and… which I don’t know if you’ve heard… It’s, like, the thing… You just, like, set it and forget it, and you just… you don’t have to do anything. You got to put it… There’s a two-year, and then there’s a five-year. I went with the five-year lease, and gonna leave it in for ten, roll the dice, you know, just see what happens. Like, there’s no way I’m gonna remember to take it out. I’m definitely gonna die with it inside me, but… That’s, like, certain, you know? No, it’s, like, the most painful procedure ever. Like, I had no idea. I blacked out during it, ’cause I was drunk, but, like, the pain was also probably a thing, and it was… It’s so weird, ’cause then they do… They do an ultrasound to, like… Which is… I’m like, “This is why I’m here, is to never have to put jelly on my stomach,” with a doctor like, “Whoa.” He’s doing that. He’s showing me on the screen where it is. He’s like, “There it is.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, it’s so beautiful.” “Like, oh, my God. “My future is so bright. “Like, that’s crazy. “Like, all my disposable income, “it’s, like, right in front of me. “Like, so many naps. Like, so many naps.” I had him print it up so I could give it to my mom and, like, ruin her day. That was fun. It was mean. It was not nice. She was like, “No way,” and I was like, “No way, five years, maybe ten.” IUD, I recommend it. I forgot what the name was so many times. Like, I kept saying other… There’s so many acronyms in medicine. For a while I was saying… I was bragging to my friends, like, “I got the new five-year UTI.” Got it, yeah,”. And they’re like, “Why are you dancing? “That sounds terrible. “Here’s all the cranberry juice in the world. You’ll need it.” It’s not an IED either. That’s… don’t do that. IUD… I remember it now, ’cause it’s “DUI” backwards. That’s how my mom taught me, so… But, yeah, so I’m gonna… I’m gonna do that.

I’m gonna… this is the thing with a surrogacy. If someone asks you why you’re doing it, you could just make up anything. Like, no one is a doctor, right? So, like, you could just say… I mean, like, some people are, but, like, most people, not doctors. So, if they’re like, “Why are you doing a surrogacy?” I can just be like, “Oh, I’m just doing one… “Actually, Brenda’s having my baby for me. “I’m glad you asked. “My vagina’s too small for a baby, so… I mean, it’s, like, so tight in there that, like…” “Well, I have TPS, which is tight pussy syndrome, “as you know, as… You didn’t know? “Yes, it’s, like… well, the word ‘pussy, ‘ it is in it. “I know that seems weird. “It does, but when it’s this tight, “it’s… medically, it’s called a pussy. “That’s true, so… “And I don’t usually tell people this, “so could you just, like, tell everyone? “That would be great. Thank you so much. Thank you. Come on, Brenda,”. And she’s on a leash, and we just walk off like, “Bye.” But you got to sell it. You got to walk like this. “So tight, oh, the burden.” That’s my dream. I’m like, “Ugh,” doesn’t hurt. I’m gonna do that. But, yeah, I don’t want kids yet.

I don’t want to get married. It helps that my boyfriend doesn’t want to marry me, so that’s like… That’s convenient. For a while, he was like, “I don’t want to get married until gay people can get married.” And then I was like, “They can!” He was like, “Yeah, I never thought that would happen, so…” I was like, “Oh, I thought that was weird you were protesting all those times, so…” He doesn’t want to get marr… I don’t really c… I don’t need, like, a big reception. I don’t want a whole to-do. I never want to have to slow-dance with my dad in front of all of my friends. Like, that seems… Like, that’s something we do alone together, and I don’t want to ruin that. Like, I feel… you know? Thank you, yeah. And, like, what if the band doesn’t know Ginuwine’s “Pony”? Are we supposed to just, like, freestyle to whatever they come up with? That seems humiliating, you know? Uh-uh. So, yeah. So, yeah.

I also don’t like the fact that when you get married, as a woman you just kind of give up your last name. Like, you really… it’s nice to take your husband’s name, but then you’re like, “Oh, this thing “I’ve had my whole life that’s my whole identity “that my great-grandparents came through Ellis Island with? “I’ll just throw it in the trash. This guy seems cool. Bye.” Like, that’s… What? You really, like… Your name is nothing after you get married. All it is is, like, your shithead son’s bank account security question answer. That’s all your name is. What? Only time it comes up, yeah. And he’s got to call you, ’cause he doesn’t even know it. Like, that’s the one call you get from him a month. “Mom, I’m locked out of my account again. Hey, what’s your old name?” He calls it an old name. You’re like, “You mean my maiden name?” He’s like, “Whatever.” “Uh, Jones.” He’s like, “Can you spell it?” And you’re like, “Fucking Doug.” Like, Jesus Christ.” “Why couldn’t you stay a baby?” That is weird that that’s the question that they came up with. Like, the banks were like, “What worthless piece “of information could we ask for “that no one would ever know about this man to protect his finances?” And some guy’s like, “What about his mother’s name?” And they’re like, “Perfect. Who gives a shit, right?” “His mother’s name.” That’s the question? That’s… so is that… That seems like something people should know about you, but it’s that question, then your first concert. So it’s your name, and then your son’s first concert are just… Your name and Limp Bizkit are just fighting for the top spot. So rude. Your name really just… You’re just like, “I don’t really see it anymore.”

Sometimes women get divorced, but they keep their ex-husband’s last names ’cause they’re just like, “I just don’t want to go to the DMV. “Like, I don’t care. “Like, I’ll just live with this man’s name I hate because I don’t want to wait in line.” Like, I get it. ‘Cause your name disappears. That’s why I want to marry someone with my same last name, save the trouble. Not a cousin, ’cause they’re poor, but, like, a… Like, uh… Like another Glaser. I could find one and… But if we had kids, I would still make my kids hyphenate their names just to be a dick about it. I don’t know. Like, they’d be like, “Mom, why are we Glaser-Glaser?” I’m like, “I don’t know. I want you to sound like” tiny little law firms, okay?” That’s… that’s why. “This is my son, Cooper Glaser-Glaser “and Associates. His sister, Associates.” “It’s a strange name, yeah.” But, yeah, so I’m gonna do that.

But we’ve been together… My boyfriend and I… We’ve been together, like, three years. We’ve broken up, like, three times, but we always get back together, so we’re gonna make it, and that’s, like, really promising. No, it is. It’s been good. He broke up with me once ’cause he kind of, like, found out I was lying about who I was in the beginning of our relationship to kind of trap him into one. I was like, “I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to do that.” Like… but what if I don’t like me?” I really was, like, pretending to be this version of a girl that he would fall in love with. You know, I was just walking around like, “What would Khaleesi do?” Like, I just… I didn’t know what… I was like, “He likes that show, I think, you know?” So I just, like, walked around topless, got a bunch of lizards. I didn’t think it through, but… I hid a couple things. I wasn’t lying about who I was. I kind of put… I feel like I put Spanx on my personality. Like, I was just, like, tucking some things in, you know? Here’s a… like… I don’t know. Like, he’s a lot cleaner than I am. We were getting ready for bed once, and you know when you’re, like, first, like, hanging out with someone and you start sleeping over, and your hygiene habits kind of meet up, and yours are just, like, not really up to snuff? But you just, like, fake it. You’re just like, “I always brush them this long. “That’s cool, yeah. “Oh, you get the bottoms? That’s neat. I’ll try that. All right.” And then my arm is going numb. He’s still going. I’m just like, “Cool, we’re still doing this?” Like, I get through that. I’m, like, headed out of the bathroom. He’s like, “You got to floss,” and I was like, “You got to floss. What am I doing? Okay, here we go.” I’m just like, just gushing blood, just like, “What?” “That’s not… This never happens. “I must have hit something. This is weird. “This is the first time. “Both ends are on our period. Is that not right? Okay.” Don’t say that. So, yeah, he’s…

We’ve been taking showers together recently, which is, like, mmm, ’cause I just think he, like, wants me to shower more, so that’s cool. I’ll take what I can get, like… He’s like, “Let’s get in.” I’m like, “Whoo.” He’s just, like, scrubbing my back a little too much. I’m like, “What are you doing?” And I was like, “Do you want a blow job?” He’s like, “Let’s get your feet first.” I’m like, “Okay, all right.” And I was like, “Do you have, like, a foot fetish?” He’s like, “No, you have a foot fungus”, “and you should get this looked at. It’s of concern.” I’m like, “It doesn’t scrub off.” But he’s, like, a clean freak. You can’t compete with that. Like, he takes up to three showers a week, and it’s like, “We get it, Dr. Oz. Like, ugh.” I don’t know. I just… I am a very fast showerer. He’s always like, “How do you get anything done in there?” And I’m just like, “You know what? “I came from a house “where we didn’t shower for very long, “’cause we didn’t have a lot of hot water, “and my dad watched us, so, you know, we just got in and out.” We all know that family, so… But it’s been good.

I broke up with him the first time because we were a year into our relationship, and he would not say “I love you.” A year in, and I needed to hear it, ’cause my friends told me I did, so that’s when you know. That’s really when you know, ’cause I was, like, trying to be cool about it, like… ’cause friends talk about that. Girls are very aware of when you’re not saying “I love you.” It’s, like, first base for us. When we get together with our girlfriends, we’re not like, “Oh, did you finger him last night?” Like, we don’t care about that. Like, you know, we’re just like, “Did he say ‘I love you’? When’s he gonna say it?” And, like, I didn’t have anything to tell them. I was just… just trying to play it cool. I was like, “I don’t need to hear it, you know?” “I just… I know he does. “Like, the way he, like, high-fives me after sex, “like, there’s no question. Like, you wouldn’t just do that.” They were like, “Okay, well… well, does he… Does he talk about the future at all?” And I was like, “Yeah, you know, like, flying cars, robots”, “like, climate change. “We’re all worried, so he’s no different, you know?” Oh, but they were so mad, and so I went back to him. I was furious too, and I was just like, “Why don’t you love me?” you know, like, in a super lovable tone and just, like, crying in the street, and he just didn’t want to say it. He was sweet about it, ’cause he was very calm, and it was just like… He was honest, you know? He was just like, “I can’t… I can’t say it,” and I was like, “Okay, well, let’s find “a good speech therapist. “Like, let’s get you in a program. “Like, honestly, I thought this was feelings for you, “but clearly it’s phonics, “so this is, like, such a relief. “I know someone at Kumon. This is gonna be great. Come here, like…” He really… he… This is what he did say. He was like… he was like, “I can’t say ‘I love you.'” I was like, “You just did. I’ll take it.” “Thank you so much. You can stop right there. That counts,”. But he was like, “No.” This is what he gave me. He was like, “I can’t say ‘I love you.'” He was like, “But I’m enthusiastic about being with you.” Thank… One girl just goes… Thank you so much. You feel me. I know. Every girl in here is like, “You poor bitch. Like, oh, my God.” Thank you. Every girl has that reaction, and every guy is always like, “That’s one of the most sincere things you could ever say. That’s better than ‘I love you.'” “I’m enthusiastic about being with you.” I’m like, “Oh, am I Enterprise Rent-A-Car” “giving you a customer survey? “Would you recommend me to your friends who are more emotionally available?” I’ve only had, really, two serious boyfriends in my life, and the first one definitely did not say it on his own. He was a blackout drunk with a twin bed, and that second part’s not really that important. I just kind of want to paint a picture. He had a twin bed. He was 30 with a twin bed, and I would be like, “Can you upgrade to a full so I feel like a woman?” And… that’s all it takes, you know… And he was like, “No, it’s an extra-long twin.” I was like, “Ooh, a California twin, wow.” “Am I Rihanna? Jesus.” So he would get blackout drunk all the time. We were long-distance. He would get caught making out with girls in bars back home where I was from. My friends would see him. They’d call me, tell me about it. I’d call him the next day and be like, “What the fuck?” He was like, “I thought it was you,” and I’m just like, “Aww.” Like, I was flattered. Like, “Was she skinny?” Like, ugh.

So he was the worst. He came to visit me for Valentine’s Day, and I was like, “Oh, my God, he’s so gonna say ‘I love you.'” This is the trip,” and I got ready. I told all my friends. I’m like, “This is it.” And it was a great night. Like, we went to this fancy dinner that I paid for, and then we were, like, in this alley, and, like, I was rubbing his back as he vomited, and it was just, like, everything I’d wanted, and he just got really sick and passed out, and I was like, “Oh, my God.” Like, he didn’t say, “I love you.” I think he may have said, “I hate you.” It’s like, it was the worst time, but I was like, “Wait a second.” “When he gets blackout drunk, “he doesn’t remember anything he does or says, so I’ll just make last night whatever I want it to be.” So this is true, I swear to God. I woke him up the next morning, and I was like, “Hey, do you remember what you said to me last night?” He was like, “No, I’m sorry, what?” And I was like, “No, you told me you love me.” And he was like, “I did?” And I was like, “Yeah,” and he was like, “Okay,” and that’s it. He started saying it after that. That’s… I date-raped my boyfriend into loving me. That’s what I did. Thank you so much. I took back the night. So I… it was, like, a pretty good plan. I couldn’t use it, though, with my boyfriend now because he doesn’t drink, so I was like, “What am I gonna do?” So this is how I got… “How am I gonna get it?” And this is how I got it. I decided to ask him to say “I love you” as he was coming, which is a great time. That’s a per… Like, a guy will do anything for you in that moment. You just got to time it perfectly. I was just like, “Tell me you love me.” He was like, “I love you.” Like, it was just like, “Ah, got it,” you know, just the once, but I got it, you know? So that was pretty cool and… ‘Cause I thought about it. I was like, “Oh, my God”, guys are so vulnerable in that moment.” They will do anything right before they come up until they come. Like, he… I feel like my boyfriend would, like, take a bullet to the brain for me. He would jump in front of a train for me. He would do anything in a Bruno Mars song, pretty much, is what I’m saying. Like, definitely. I feel like Bruno Mars must write all his lyrics before he comes. Like, that’s the only way he feels those things. And then it is a sharp drop-off after that. Right after he comes, I feel like he’s… In one second, he’d do anything for me, and then he’s like… And then it’s just like, I feel like he’s like, “What have I done?” Like he just… He wants to pretend it didn’t happen. We can’t really talk about it. I’m like, “Tell me about my clit.” He’s just like, “No.” Like, he doesn’t… I want to talk. He’s off getting a towel. I’m like, “You can let it marinate. I don’t care. Like, this is fine.” He’s, like, dabbing me off. I’m like, “Are we having company? Like, what’s the rush?” I’m like, “You know this was consensual, right?” What are you doing?” He’s so ashamed. He tries to close me like a laptop. I’m like, “I’m a real woman with feelings and thoughts” “and a career. You can’t do this.” I think it’s porn. I think that’s what makes guys so ashamed after they come sometimes, ’cause they’re used to just watching disgusting things. They’re like, “Whoa, that didn’t happen.” But it did. You did it, and it’s like, I get it. Like, I don’t mind that guys watch porn. I’ve… they all watch it, and I don’t care that my boyfriend watches porn. Like, I’m on the road a lot, so sometimes I’ll ask him to send me the porn he’s about to jerk off to, and then I’ll sit there and watch it, like, just knowing that he’s jerking off to it. Like, I think it’s, like, romantic, ’cause I’m like… * Somewhere out there. Like we’re looking at the same moon, you know? It’s beautiful kind of. I’m not, like, totally… Like, I don’t love porn. I watch it sometimes, mainly for tips. Like, I’m always looking for, like, new tricks I can try, you know? Especially when it comes to blow jobs. I’m always like… I feel like I’m not very good at them, so I’m always like… I’ll check out a blow job video on, like, the front page, like, something very mild. I’ll be like, “Okay, this seems cool,” and I’ll just take some notes. Like, “What are these gals gagging about?” And just like… You learn some things. You’re like, “Oh, okay, use both hands. “I can do that. That seems cool. “All right. “Look terrified, all right, I’ll give it a whirl. “Wouldn’t be the first time, you know? “Be fun to revisit, okay. “Choke to death, perfect, okay. That’s how I’m gonna go, then.” Like, it’s, like, violent stuff on the front page. You don’t even have to dig for this stuff. Every porno is just like… It’s, like, a girl just, like, dying. When did this happen? I feel like I took a break from porn, and then it’s all just slobber now. It’s like, these girls have so much saliva, and I’m like, “I don’t have that much.” Like, it’s making me insecure. I’m like, “These bitches look like Saint Bernards.” Like, I don’t have those, like, frothy, foamy strands. I’m like, “Do I need an extra gland or something?” Like, what? I got to be wet up here now? Like, it’s just too much. I hate the way porn has made me feel throughout my life. I started watching porn when it first came out in ’98, and it made me feel sad. I hadn’t even kissed a boy, and I was like, “I have to do that?” Like, and then I didn’t watch it forever, and then I checked back in on it when I, like, started being interested in, like, having sex. I was like, “Maybe I’ll try it,” and then I was watching it, and I saw porn vaginas, and I was like, “Mine doesn’t look like that.” Have you seen porn vaginas? They’re just, like, these tiny, little… It’s like, God’s little whisper. It’s just, like, a little suggestion. It’s… it literally is… Sometimes I’m like, “Does that girl just have a paper cut down there? Like, is that… looks like it would hurt.” Like, it’s just these tiny… I haven’t looked like that since I was seven, to be honest. Like, I remember. I didn’t know those were my glory days. I should have just stared at it more and been like, “You got it, girl.” Like, that would have been amazing. I squandered my youth. But, yeah, those porn vaginas made me so sad about my own, because, man, my vagina doesn’t look like that, and I hated it for a while. I just… I was, like, so furious. Every time I looked at it, I wanted to punch it. I was just like, “Ugh!” And it looked like it had been punched several times, so that’s what’s weird about that. I was like, “Why make it worse?” Sometimes I see it, and I’m just like, “Were you in a street fight earlier?” Like, it just is, like… Picking gravel out. Like, “Oh, God,” but… Do you know what I’m talk… But, like, you… Some of you have vaginas like mine, like, where you’re just like… you’re like… Like, it looks like it’s trying to escape kind of? Like, do you know what I mean? Don’t be ashamed. I have it too. It’s like… it’s… You could ask me, “How’s it hanging?” Some days, and that’s fine. That’s… that’s my body. You go to get a wax, and she has to go through it like a Rolodex. “Okay, let’s go.” No one? Just me? Great. Great, feeling great about my body again. Thanks so much. No, I do… I feel fine about it now. When I was in college, I was, like, saving up money to get surgery, and that seems crazy, but a lot of girls do this, and now I’m like, “No way,” ’cause I was so scared. I was just like, “No one’s gonna see it until I can fix it,” and then I got drunk, and I was like, “Everyone in!” Like, I was like, “Look at it.” Isn’t that hilarious?” Like, you get drunk, and you’re just like… Then you have sex and no one cares. No guy has ever complained. I… like, it’s… As long as it’s clean and you share it with them, like, they don’t care. They don’t care. So now I’m not touching my… It’s good. It’s… you know, it’s not great. You know, it’s like Venice. You know, it’s a little hard to get to, but the canal is amazing, and that’s what I focus on. It’s the infrastructure. A lot of Italians have been in it. It’s like, you know… So that’s my vagina. Had to cover that. But, yeah, I don’t know. I don’t… I’m not bothered by porn as much anymore. My boyfriend got me into porn, the industry. It’s been pretty lucrative. It’s… I’m just dipping my toe in, you know, just… That’s what I do. I dip my toe in girls’ vaginas. That’s… it’s very niche, very niche. You know that’s a type of porn. Like, that… that’s probably a very popular type of porn. There are, like, at least three guys in here who are like, “I can’t believe I haven’t seen her yet.” That’s weird.” Because, like, I don’t know. We’ve been watching porn together a little bit and… ’cause we finished “Friday Night Lights,” so that’s what… that’s what Netflix wanted for us and… So we’ve been watching porn together, and he’s… he wants to watch what I want to watch, so he’s like, “What are you into?” and I’m like, “Well, if it were up to me, we would watch a ‘TMZ’ clip” “of Zac Efron getting out of a car.” “Like, that’s what treats Mommy right, you know?” Like, that’s fine for me, but in terms of porn, like, I just… There’s nothing… There’s been a couple videos that I’m like, “Oh, I like that,” but I always stumble into them. I wouldn’t know how to search for it. It’s too weird that… I don’t even know “how to describe what I like.” He was like, “Try me. Like, I’ll find it.” ‘Cause apparently he’s, like, the Edward Snowden of porn. Like, he can just hack into… Like, find anything. It’s very impressive watching him. He’s always got, like, eight screens up all buffering at different times, so as soon as one gets boring, the next one is, like… The money shot is seconds away. Like, it’s very… It’s orchestrated. But he was like, “Describe it.” Come on, I’ll find it,” and I was like, “Okay, of the porn I’ve seen, the… the ones I like are, “like, the videos where the girl, “she isn’t really quite into it at first, you know? “She’s a little bit like, ‘I don’t know, ‘ you know, “but then she, like, gets into it, but, like, at first, she’s just, like, a little reluctant,” and he was like, “Oh, yeah, reluctant porn.” He starts typing in “reluctant.” I’m like, “What are you doing?” He’s like, “Reluctant porn.” I’m like, “That’s not a type.” He’s like, “Yeah, it is,” and it is. Oh, it is. It is… there’s so much reluctant porn with “reluctant” in the titles. I mean, it’s just like, “Hot reluctant sluts,” and I’m just like, “One of those words is not like the other, porn. “Like, that doesn’t… That one. “Where did you learn that word? “Have you been attending night school? Like, what?” Reluctant, it’s very hot. You should look it up. It’s… if you want… If you don’t want to, if you’re a little reluctant to do so, I do… I do a pretty sick impression of reluctant porn, so here we go. So this is all reluctant porn. Ready? “No, okay.” Like, that’s it. That’s… that is it. Yeah, slight hesitation, full commitment, yes. Mostly casting couch, so check it out. But I was just, like… I was so shocked. Oh, my God, you can find any type of porn. I was like, “Put in the word ‘facetious.’ “Like, let’s just put it in. Like, let’s see what we get.” You know, I think I had just learned how to spell that word, so I was, like, showing off or whatever, so it’s like, “Put it in.” And so I spelled it for him. I was like, “‘Face’ and then ‘tious, ‘ and then put it together,” and he was like, “Face tits?” And I was like, “I’m sure that’s a thing, but, no, ‘facetious.'” So he put it in, and there were three videos with “facetious” in the title. It was crazy with three, and so… It was just a black girl named Facetious, but you know what? That counts. She’s amazing. She’s really good. She fucks sarcastically, so that’s, like, her thing that she… Check her out. Check her out. But I’ve learned a lot from porn dirty talk-wise. Not, like, physically. I just… my MO is, I kind of just lay there. Like, I’m a bottom, you know? Like, I just… And I’m enjoying myself. I don’t want to change. Like, I like being on bottom. I’m… I’m not a dead fish. I just… I hate when guys call me that. I think that’s rude. Dead fish? “Dead fish.” I’m like, “What?” No, no, no, I’m like, a fish on its way out. Like, that’s… I’ll give you that. Like, I’m not doing great, but, like, dead? Maybe someone just needs to clean my tank, you know? Like, that’s… That’s what I call going down on me. Thank you so much. That’s really disgusting. Please tonight, if you get gone down on, like, just say to yourself, just for me, just go, like, “Yeah, you clean that fucking tank,” just, like, for me. Just… it’ll make you feel good. I know. I feel like I’ll feel it, you know? Like, my ear will tingle. I’m like, “Yeah, girl’s getting her tank cleaned.” Clean it. Clean it.” I love that. So I… if you’re lazy in bed like I am, you kind of got to bring it when it comes to dirty talk, ’cause I’m rarely, like, on top doing things that are impressive. If I’m ever on top, I always do reverse cowgirl, ’cause you can pretend his legs are Zac Efron’s a lot easier than his dumb, stupid head, so… But if you’re on bottom just chilling, say some good stuff. Like, I… now I have lines to say. Before, I didn’t. I would just be put on the spot, and I couldn’t think of anything. He’d be like, “What do you want?” And I’d be like, “To check my phone? I mean, to check your dick.” And he’s like, “What?” I’m like, “For crabs? I don’t know, okay? I’m sorry.” So go in with a plan, and that’s where porn comes in. You watch porn, you steal a line from that, and you use it, and I steal from Sasha Grey. She’s my favorite porn actress. She’s amazingly filthy. Look at you all pretending not to know who that is. That’s amazing. She’s awesome. She’s so, like, poetically filthy, and I stole one of her, like, mild lines from one of her Disney porns… And the line was, I… oh, “You own this pussy.” I was like, “That’s great. I’ll use that.” “You know, I’ve been looking “to sell this thing off for a while anyway, so, please, someone, take it.” So I said that. I decided to say that, and so we’re doing it, and I’m, like, gearing up, and I was just like, “You…” He’s back there and… Just want to set the scene. He’s back there, and I… and I… And by the way, I was not even doing doggy style. Like, that’s… Even for me, I’m like, “I don’t want to plank right now.” Like, can we not?” I’m always like, “Can we turn doggy into walrus?” “Can we, like, make this a little bit more comfy “for old Glasedog? “Like, I just… Like, I don’t want to… “I don’t want to engage my core right now, if that’s cool. Thanks.” So he’s doing it, I’m walrusing, and he… Things are going great, and out of nowhere, I was just like, “You own this pussy,” and he was like, “What?” And I was like, “You heard me,” and he was like, “Okay.” And he’s, like, nervous, ’cause he’s, like, a first-time pussy owner. Like, I think he had just rented before, apparently. It can be nerve-racking, you know? So he was like, “Ah,” and I was excited. I was like, “Ah!” And to be honest, I really thought that I would say, “You own this pussy,” and he would just, like, immediately finish. Like, he would just be like, “I love you!” Like, “Ah!” But it didn’t happen that way. He, like, needed a lot more from me. Like, that was… It was hot, but he, like, needed me to say more things, and I didn’t have anything else to say. That’s all I had written on my hand, so I was just kind of like, “You own this pussy.” So I just started repeating myself, which works at first. You know, you’re like, “You own this pussy.” He’s like, “Yeah, I do.” “You own this pussy.” “Yeah, I do.” “You own this pussy.” “Okay, uh, pretty aware of that by now. Care to expound on the situation whatsoever?” And I was… I had not… So I’m just like, “Uh, it’s in escrow. We just… We just put it in es…” I don’t know what that means. I’m just grasping at loose real estate terminology. “There’s a spacious eat-in kitchen. “If you just contact Janet Russo to set up a showing, 917-425… “. He’s like, “Are you giving me my aunt’s number?” I’m like, “I don’t know.” She’s the only real estate agent I know.” I’m like, “Check out the mudroom. “It’s right above you, if you so dare. Come on, please?” Anal. Anal. Oh, God, do you guys do it? I do. I love it. I don’t… I mean, it’s fi… It’s good. You should try it. And I always feel weird saying that I’ve done it, ’cause people, I just feel, are like, “Mm, we didn’t need to know that,” or they’re like, “I would never do that.” But here’s the thing. I’ve done research. 33% of women have done it, so, like, all of these girls. That’s just, like, crazy, ’cause I wouldn’t think you’ve done it, but you have. These are facts, so that’s, like, so weird, Mom. It’s like, just knowing that you’ve done that. I do learn a lot. I love sex facts. I love finding things out. Like, squirting is, like, such an anomaly to me. I can’t do it. I’ve been trying. We’re trying, so thank you. Thanks, that’s so sweet, you guys. He wants to get a surrogate, but, you know… No, I can’t do it. I just found recently, though, that, like, squirt is, like, mostly pee. It’s, like, very diluted urine, which is, like, such a relief to me ’cause now I get to say, “Oh, I squirted the bed until fourth grade.” Like, that seems a lot cooler. I’m like, “I was a sexy fourth grader,” you know? Like, that’s so cool of me. I learn a lot of things. I don’t… sexuality doesn’t come naturally to me. I just feel like, “Blah!” So, like, I had to, like, learn how to be… Like, I know that guys love it when they find out you’re not wearing underwear. Like, that’s super hot to them, and I just, like, always wear underwear. It’s, like, my thing and… You guys get it. And… but I just, like… I’ve never done… The other day, first time, no underwear the whole day, and it was… You know, just ’cause I shit my pants at this Starbucks, but it was like, once I ditched that thong in that bathroom, I was like, “Hello.” I’m sexy.” I was like, “Anything can happen,” so… I’m down to try a lot of stuff. My boyfriend does some pretty kinky things. He did this recently, just during… Like, surprised me with it. Not at… not, like, in a vicious way. Like, it was a very light… He might have been checking my pulse, to be honest. I’m not really sure. I was very relaxed, but it was just, like, a light one. But he didn’t say anything when he did it. He just did it, and then we were just like, “Hey,” like, just staring at each other. You got to say something. You just can’t be like, “Oh.” I was like, “Ahh,” like… And I didn’t say anything, ’cause I couldn’t, and I was like, “After you.” And I could tell he panic… Like, he didn’t think about saying… So he was just like, “I’m gonna kill you.” I was like, “What? No! Get off!” And he was like, “Is that too much?” I’m like, “Yes, it’s too much.” Jesus Christ.” Thank you so much. Oh, my boyfriend bought me a sex swing. I did not ask for one. He surprised me with it. I got back from the road, and he, like, walked me in the bedroom and was like, “Surprise,” and I was like, “Are you living with a handicapped woman that needs to get in and out of bed?” Like, it’s… It’s a big apparatus with all these straps. I mean, it… It really looks like how they fed the velociraptors in “Jurassic Park,” like, when they lower the cows down, and then they come back up just, like, swinging straps. You guys know. That’s a sex swing, I think. I’m pretty sure. It’s really… it’s fun. It’s great. I know why he got it: Because he’s, like, tired of doing all the work ’cause I just lay there, so he’s like… ’cause you… I just, like, plop in this thing, and then he just taps it once, and then you’re just, like, fucking forever. Like, it’s just perpetual motion after that. It’s like the bird dipping in water of sex. It’s just like… Like, you’ll just fuck forever until a scientist comes and stops you. I don’t know why that has to happen. But, yeah, it’s pretty fun. It’s more fun when he goes to work, and I just get to hang out in it all day and just spin around, pretend I’m like Pink at the Grammys. I’m just like, “Ah.” Like, I’m just… It’s so good. You just spin and spin. It’s awesome. It’s awesome… Okay, I found the box for it. He, like, hid the box and… Which was weird, ’cause I found the box. I’m like, “You know I didn’t think, “like, Santa put this together? Like, elves were making this?” But he… I found the box, and he hadn’t, like, opened the whole box, because on the box, it said, “Free blindfold inside,” and I was like, “Yes, a sleep mask.” You know, like, I love sleep masks. I love… I wear them on planes. I need them. I’m a connoisseur. I leave them on planes all the time, though, and so this one I’ve been wearing, it’s so good. It’s the best one I’ve ever had, this sex swing blindfold. So it blocks out all the light. It does say “cum slut” on it, but I’m like, that’s who I am, so you know, far be it from me to deny Southwest that information, you know? It is weird when we land and I wake up, and I’m like, “I hope that’s drool. “Like, I really… I hope it’s drool. Please be drool.” I’ve said that so many times in my life, “Please be drool.” I don’t know why. It’s a weird thing to say. I am, like, obsessed with talking about sex. I apologize if it’s not your thing, but, like, come on. It’s, like, so fun, and, like, we’re all having sex, but we don’t really, like, talk about it. Like, we’ll be like, “Oh, yeah, I’ve had sex before.” Like, we’ll admit that, but we won’t be like, “Oh, yeah, I’ve been like…” But that’s, like, what you look like. No one admits that. They’re like, “No, I look cooler.” No, you don’t. You’re just like… Like, that’s… It’s just a bunch of, like, skin, like, shaking. It’s so gross, and you all look like it. We all do, but, like… The only thing that, like, differentiates us is like, we put on clothes, and we’re like, “Nope, I’ve never done that.” Like, as soon as you’re not naked, you can be like, “No, I don’t do that. What are you talking about? I’m a princess.” Like, that’s what’s separating us, is just clothes. Like, you can give, like, a sloppy blow job and put on, like, some jeans and a tank top and be like, “I’ve never sucked a dick in my life. What are you talking about? Nope, not me.” And it’s like, “Yes, you have.” If you’ve worn a tank top, male or female, you’ve sucked some dicks. Like, that’s just a fact of tank tops, I think, yeah. I love it, though. I’m always, like… I love to picture people, like, what they’re into. Pregnant women are my favorite, ’cause you’re like, “I know you doing it. “Like, you got stuffed. She got stuffed.” Like, you know it, and then you… Oh, you can find out, like, exactly when she had sex. Like, all you have to do is ask, like, “When are you due?” Or pretend you care or whatever, and then you just do some light math, and you count back nine months, and you’re like, “July.” “You were just like, like, like, in July. You were getting it.” “You love it.” “Yeah, you should be ashamed of yourself.” Like, I love that. That’s the thing about being pregnant. Like, you… if you tell your parents you’re pregnant, like, you’re pretty much like, “Dad, Chris came inside me. Come here.” “I kept it in.” Like, that’s… No, I don’t want to do that. Ah, God, creeps have ruined the smile compliment, by the way. Like, it’s done. You can’t… ’cause girls, you’ll just be walking down the street, and guys will tell you to smile. It’s just the worst. We’ve all… It’s happened to all of us. There’s only, like, two of you who actually do it, but you’ve ruined it for everyone. Most guys don’t do this, but girls’ll just… You’ll just be walking down the street by yourself, you know, not smiling, ’cause you’re not a lunatic… Who’s just smiling for no reason. Who’s this giddy bitch? Just like, “Yeah.” If I saw that, I’d be like, “Did you just get into DeVry, ma’am?” “Like, what’s going on in your life that’s…” “Did you just find a new feminine wipe “that fits your busy lifestyle? “That’s what I thought. How fun.” So insane. You don’t see girls smiling and walking, but these guys cannot take it. They are just so upset that you’re not smiling, and they stop you, and they’re just like, “Oh, can you smile pretty? “Aw, can I get a smile? You’d be prettier if you smiled.” Like, it’s always some version of that, and I never want to, ’cause, you know, it’s just like, I just got off the phone with my mom or something, so I’m just like, “Ugh.” And… or just life. You’re just like… And they always say it, and I always do. I’m always just like, “Here you go. Like, is this what you wanted?” I’m just like… It hurts, but you do it, because if you don’t, they rape you, and that’s true. That’s true? Haven’t tried it. Like, don’t risk it. That’s… it’s a little rapey to be like, “Smile,” and you’re just like, “Okay.” That’s how you know if something’s rapey. If a girl told you to do it, would you do it? Certainly not. If a girl was like, “Hey, smile, honey,” I’d be like, “No, you go smile.” “Look into a mirror if you want to see a girl smile. I’m gonna be on my way.” But a guy, I’m just like, “Is this the least I could do to not get raped right now? That’s so great, thank you. I feel safe.” I don’t… I’m not, like, up here like, “Fucking men.” I’m not up here fucking men either, but… My career took a different path, but… I don’t like how women are marketed to. Feminine wipes. I talked about those before, and I could tell you guys were like, “Please get back to that.” “We need more.” I just read your energy. It’s pretty cool. Feminine wipes are these things we’re supposed to carry around, ’cause they’re like, “Hey, your vagina smells “like it’s supposed to, and it’s grossing everyone out. Can you fix it, please? Thank you.” And we’re like, “Okay, I’m so sorry to ruin the party.” People are buying these. I don’t know anyone who does, but I just don’t understand why those exist, yet ball wipes, we’re like, “Nah, that’s cool, we don’t need them.” I don’t want balls to smell different, but it’s just like, we should be equally shamed, you know? Like, a fun, portable ball wipe? Like, why can’t that be a thing? I don’t… This is the thing. I don’t want your balls to smell good. I like the… I don’t, like, like the way they smell, but I’m like… I’m not like, “Mmm.” Like, I don’t want it, like, wafting through my foyer, but, like… I’m not dragging my boyfriend into Yankee Candle like, “Can you guys match this scent? Is there a way? “With, like, a touch of taint? Like, just, like, a… “Cool, okay, I’ll leave you here. I’ll be at Piercing Pagoda, bye.” Like, no. I don’t like… I don’t enjoy the scent, the aroma, but I like that balls smell exactly how they look. Like, that’s… There’s something cool about that. They’re just so authentic. They’re comfortable with who they are. They’re like, “Just, this is who I am. Like, take it or leave it.” Like, I love that. There’s nothing in nature that looks it smells more than balls, and so they shouldn’t smell good. You shouldn’t put anything on them, because we know that things are supposed to look how they smell. We all know that from Febreze commercials. You know, where a person… They set a person in a hoarder’s apartment, and they blindfold them, and they’re like, “Where am I?” “Am I in a whispering meadow? What’s happening?” And there’s, like, a rat crawling behind them in some trash. They’re like, “What’s that? Is that a bubbling brook?” What’s going on back there?” Then they take it off. They’re like, “Aah!” Like, it psychologically fucks you up. Don’t Febreze your balls. Like, there’s no amount of smell… I’m not gonna close my eyes when I’m down there and be like, “Am I in an Arabian spice market tonight?” Like, no. It’s… I know where I am. Your dick is in my eye. Like, that’s… I don’t really know why. But, like, everyone knows about ball smell. It’s… it’s funny to me that they attacked women’s smell first, because ball smell has been around forever. Even before I knew what balls were, I knew what ball smell was. Like, I knew balls smelled, and so did you. Think about it. You’re a kid, right? And you walk into a room that smells a little weird. You turn to your friend, and you’re like, “It smells like balls in here, right?” Like, that’s… That’s a phrase that was based on your balls to convey a generic funk smell. Like, it’s been around… Your grandma could be like, “It smells like balls in here.” You’d be like, “That’s absolutely right, Grandma.” “Like, that’s a normal thing for you to say right now, because it does smell like balls in here.” Like, I think Chaucer wrote it. That’s been around forever, so… So, yeah, don’t Febreze your balls. You guys have been so great. Thank you so much. Here is the last thing I’ll say. Thank you. You guys are like, “Okay, fine.” You’re, like, mad at the one person who started it. I get it. I’ve been in an audience before. “Really? Again?” I was having sex recently with my boyfriend and… I hate saying “boyfriend,” ’cause it’s not like, “Boyfriend.” Like, I hate it. My ex… my future ex-fiancé and I were… We can get there and… No, we were doing it recently, and he said the funniest thing. And this is how I know he watches porn a lot, because out of nowhere he just goes, “What would you do for this dick?” Great question. I was like… Love it. It’s like, “Are you Terry Gross?” This is amazing.” “What would you do for this dick?” He doesn’t talk like that either, by the way. Like, like, why do you sound like Batman right now? It’s just like, “What would you do for this dick?” And I was like, “I didn’t know your dick was a Klondike Bar.” Let’s start there. Like, I don’t have a plan.” I was like, “I’d do a silly dance?” And he’s like, “Please stop. It’s going down.” I was like, “Okay.” I didn’t know what to say. He asked it at the wrong time. You should ask that question before you have sex, right? Like, “What would you do for this dick?” He’s, like, across the room. He’s just dangling it, and I’m just like, “Anything! Anything!” Like, that’s… That’s the way. I’m just like, like… That’s how I get, real dick hungry. But I just… he asked it while I had it. He’s like, “What would you do for this dick?” I was like, “Whatever I did ten minutes ago?” “That seemed to work. Sit on your couch and eat Thai food?” “Mmm, wait till ‘Shark Tank’ is over?” Like, there’s not a lot of hurdles between me and your dick, you know? Like, I didn’t know what to say. I hope he asks me again, because I just wasn’t prepared, which he won’t, because I’ve done this joke, so… But if he does, I would… I… if he says, like, “What would you do for this dick?” I’d, like, press play and be like, * I would walk 500 miles, and I would… * Like, ’cause I would. I love it. I do. I love… I love it. It’s my best friend. I really… I love doing dick tricks. Like, it’s… dicks are so funny to me, and they’re so fun to play with, and, like, when you’re with a guy long enough, you just, like, start to, like, do some weird stuff. I’m always just like, “How you doing?” Like, I just, like, talk to it, and he’ll be like, “What are you saying?” I’m like, “This doesn’t concern you!” And I’ll just be like, “This is just between us.” Like, I’ll just do funny things. It’s fun for everyone, you know? “Shh!” Just talk to it. But here’s those… Here are some dick tricks that I just want to share with you. Okay, so first one is, okay, so, like, before you have sex, when he’s just, like, soft or whatever, you just take his dick, and you just, like, pretend that it’s a hose that’s out of control, and you’re just like, “Whoa! Whoa!” Like, it’s so fun. He won’t like it at first, but it gets it going. Like, you know, like, he can’t… You’re playing with it, you know? He’ll roll his eyes, then he does… Then you know he’s into it, so… The water starts pumping, so… And then the other one is post sex, okay? This is kind of gross, but, okay, you know, after they do it, there’s, like, a little bit still on it? I always like to go, “Ooh, I forgot my lip gloss,” and just put it on and be like, “Ready to go.” It’s so fun. Do it. You got to do it. Promise me you’ll do it. Oh, God. So, yeah, I just… Dicks are so fun to me. I like to compliment my guy’s dick. Like, I did that very early on in our relationship. I complimented him, and I learned that there’s only so many things you can say about a dick that guys want to hear. There’s, like, two things. You can be like, “Oh, it’s so big,” or like, “Owie.” Like, that’s kind of it. Like, don’t stray too far outside of that, but that’s hard because, like, sometimes they’re not huge. Like, my boyfriend, not huge… Average, perfectly average. I love it. It’s wonderful. But it’s average, and you can’t celebrate that, you know? You can’t be like, “Oh, my God, it’s so fucking expected.” Like, oh, yes, fill me up with that adequate cock.” Like, you know, that’s not good, so… So you lie. You lie, you know? Like, you’re in the moment, and… we were in the moment, and I was just like, “It’s so big,” and he was just like, “Oh, is it?” “It’s so big?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he was like, “We’re looking at the same thing right now.” “Come on. So big?” I’m like, “Can you just, like, suspend disbelief” “for, like, 15 seconds maybe and think to yourself, like,” “‘Well, maybe she’s only seen baby dicks.” “‘Like, she worked in nursery her whole life” “‘and never got a date. Like, maybe that’s it.'” But he was like, “Don’t lie.” I’m like, “Okay, fine, I won’t,” and then I just stopped complimenting it altogether, ’cause I was like, “I can’t say anything.” But then I realized, “Oh, wait. I can say it’s perfect.” That’s what I’ll say.” ‘Cause that’s not a lie. I think it’s perfect. So now I say it’s perfect. So, if you’ve heard your dick is perfect, it’s average or below average. So that’s just a thing I want you to know. Yes. Yes. And your lady has found a loophole. But I really… I don’t care that much about dick size. I know it’s a thing, but I don’t know. If I love someone enough, I really don’t care, and my friends are like, “Yeah, right.” And I’m like, “I really… I don’t.” And they’re like, “What if he had a micropenis?” And I’m like, “I don’t know. There’s other things.” Like, you can work around it. Like, you can cheat on him. You can use toys. No, there’s other things you can… you have your hands. You have your tongue. You know, at least you don’t have a microtongue, you know? Celebrate that. If you have a micropenis, just be proud of your big tongue, ’cause if you had, like, a tiny little… How gross would that be if a guy was like, “Hey, baby,” like a little gecko, but he just had a huge cock, but he’s like… You’d be like, “Where’s micro? I need him.” Like, that is so gross. So at least your tongue’s cool, you know? I did get in trouble for lying. You shouldn’t lie, and I know that. He was… we talked about it a lot. My boyfriend was like, you know, “Don’t lie”… Like, girls don’t know because they don’t get compliments down there, so they, like, don’t get it, what it feels like to be lied to. And I was like, “Yeah, you know, I’d… We’d like some, you know?” And he was like, “Really?” Like, what would… What would I even say?” “I don’t know. Like… like, we’re tight or whatever?” He was like, “Really?” “I wouldn’t even think to say that. That’s crazy. That’s…” I’m like, “To me or girls in general?” Like, what’s the vibe here?” And he was like, “No, babe, you’re perfect.” And I was like, “Yes, okay.” “Oh, fuck you, okay? That’s mine.” He was like, “Owie?” I’m like, “Enough.” New York, thank you so much for coming out tonight. You’re so great. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you. Thank you.

* I do not take, I do not take * * No matter how you shine * I cannot take a gift that isn’t true * * I love myself, I love myself * * Too much to love you * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh * * Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh *

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Ali Wong:
Hard Knock Wife (2018)



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