KAVIN JAY: EVERYBODY CALM DOWN! (2018) – Full Transcript

2018-05-06T11:00:01-07:00 May 6th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Kavin Jay: Everybody Calm Down! (2018)

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Kavin Jay: Everybody Calm Down! Now, please put your hands together for the guy whose name is in the title, Kavin Jay! Singapore, how are you guys doing? Oh, yeah, it’s a lot… It took a lot of balls. It took a lot of balls for a Malaysian guy to shoot his special in Singapore. Oh, this is gonna be… You guys look beautiful. All right, uh… Singaporeans, make some noise! Malaysians, make some noise! I would like to thank the production company, because, uh, they put me up in a very nice hotel. All right. It’s so posh, that the towels are so fluffy, I couldn’t close my suitcase. I had to take out the shampoo and conditioner.

All right, before I start, ladies and gentlemen, please, please give yourselves a round of applause. I love that phrase, right, “Give yourselves a round of applause.” It’s such a beautiful phrase, right? A lot of emcees use it, a lot of, uh, you know, comedians use it. But it’s one of those things where I find it to be very Asian. Right? Because y’all did all the work. You all bought the tickets. You all braved the jam. You all came here, you all found your seats. And now, you all are great audience. And now, give yourself the reward. That’s like my wife coming home and saying, “Oh, you did the dishes. Give yourself a blowjob.” Which I’ve tried, it’s very difficult. Which is also why I picked up yoga. Uh… You’ll never see Downward Facing Dog the same way again.

Uh… Aw, ladies and gentlemen, look, I’m gonna, I’m gonna bring it out right in the front, right, I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell you all something that maybe you all may not have noticed. Uh, I am a bit overweight. You laughed a bit too hard there, my friend. I know, I know I’m big. I know I’m big. Like, you see, the thing is, I travel around the world doing comedy now, and it’s weird, though, because I went to Europe, and I found out I’m not that big. I went to America, I found out I am a medium. And I had to shop in Baby Gap. Right, but it’s one of those things, in Asia, I’m the Michelin Man. I am so fat that parents use me to discipline their children. Hey, I was walking down the street, a mother looked at me, looked at her child and said, “If you don’t behave, that man will eat you!” And that’s what I do, I eat children. Uh… They are delicious and gluten-free. I’m only joking. They are not gluten-free. Uh… Uh, but Malaysians, Malaysians, they have this honesty about them, right? They don’t care whether you’re fat, ugly or whatever. They tell you straight to your face. Right? Like… I don’t know if you know this, but for a few years, I did radio in Malaysia, right? As I was doing radio in Malaysia, a lot of people didn’t realize that I was the stand-up comedian Kavin Jay and the radio personality Kavin Jay. They thought it was two different person. One lady in a show made that connection. Like, for her, like, “Wow!” Right? After the show, she came up to me, she’s like, “Oh, you’re the Kavin Jay on radio, is it?” I’m like, “Yeah, I also do radio.” And she’s like, “Wow, you sound skinny on radio.” Fuck your mother! What do you want me to do? Why… How do you sound fat on radio? What, like constantly having a heart attack the whole time? I love chicken rice, salad, and burger. But let me tell you, let me tell you a story about how I came to this realization that maybe, maybe I should lead a healthier lifestyle. Right? This is what happened. This is a true story that happened to me a couple of months ago. Now, I had a show in Manila, right? And I had to fly to Manila, and I had to book the tickets myself, right? So, as a Malaysian, I always fly AirAsia, right? Because it’s cheap, right? But, this time, I decided, you know what, let’s make a difference. Let’s try to make better choices, right? Let’s, let’s do something different. Right, I decided to fly Cebu Pacific… because it was cheaper. I booked the tickets online. I was happy, I was going to Manila, you know, it’s gonna be a good trip. Right, I walked up to the counter to check in, right. And then the lady behind the counter looked at me, and she said something I was not expecting. I was expecting “Hello. How are you?” Maybe even a “Mabuhay,” right? The lady behind the counter looked at me and she said, “Sir, how much do you weigh?” Straight to my face. There were tears coming down of my eyes. Thank you for laughing at my impending diabetes. Well, I didn’t know what to do. The only thing that came out of my mouth at that time was the truth. Right, the truth came out. Right, I looked at her, and I said, uh, “I weigh 120 kilograms.” I see a lot of faces of disbelief. I understand. I completely understand this, because I know I’m deceptively slim. Okay? Because every time I try to buy a T-shirt in Malaysia, they look at me, the shop owner looks at me, and then goes, “For you, L. L. This one is a big size for you. Come on, don’t worry, L.” And then I walk out with a sports bra. I have a few sports bras now. Which is very nice. But also, like, it’s very difficult. I like wearing clothes, guys. I really like wearing clothes. But it’s so hard for me to buy clothes in Asia. Like, I… Look. When I was coming here, I like to wear funny T-shirts, as you can see. I like to wear funny T-shirts. I wanted to buy a T-shirt that I could wear for this special. Right. I was in Singapore yesterday, I saw a T-shirt that said, “Fat people are hard to kidnap.” I laughed, too, right? I wanted that T-shirt. Right, I wanted to buy the T-shirt. I walked up to the shop owner, I said, “Do you have this in double XL?” “Uh… Don’t have.” I said, “What’s the biggest size you have?” “S.” What a dickhead. Uh… All I’m saying, all I’m saying is, if you’re a size S, and you’re wearing a T-shirt that says, “Fat people are hard to kidnap,” I will stab you, all right? Back to our story, back to our story. I’m 120 kilograms, right. And then, this lady, she looked at me, and she said something even more unexpected, right. She looked at me and she said, “Sir, if you weigh above a certain amount, you must buy two seats… on the plane.” Right. Lowest point of my life. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t wanna argue. I didn’t wanna argue. Right, you know what, I bought two seats. I just bought two seats. Right, because I thought to myself, “Two meals.” I took the tickets and I very solemnly, very solemnly… very sadly walked to the plane… to find my seats. And that’s when I found out that the seats were not together! What the fuck, guys! One was at the front of the plane and one was at the back of the plane! What are you trying to do, balancing, is it? Unbelievable! I realized now, I realized now I’ve come to a point I’m so fat that when I drop things on the floor, I let it go. Right? The other day, I was walking around, five ringgit fell down, “Fuck it, I’ll make more money. It’s fine.” Right. Dropped my car keys, “Fuck it, I’ll take Uber!” Like Malaysia and Singapore, okay, I have to explain the history a bit, right, for some people. Like, do we have anyone here from outside of Malaysia and Singapore? Make some noise! Hey, where are you guys from? Australia. -Australia. All right, so, the thing is, you have to understand Malaysia and Singapore, we have a relationship, right? And we have some animosity. It’s like Australia and New Zealand, I guess. Yeah? It’s like India and Pakistan, right? It’s like America and the rest of the world. Right, there is some animosity. And here is the thing, I think the best example would be India and Pakistan, right? Because they were… They were one family. And then, they split up. Right? Like, India and Pakistan, they were cousins. Right, they lived, they grew up together. And then, one day, Pakistan left. And came back with an AK-47. “Calm down, Pakistan. What are you doing?” Like, you know, like Malaysia and Singapore, it’s the same thing. We were cousins, we were family, we grew up together, right? And then, Singapore left. And came back with a BMW. Right. It’s one of those things where Malaysians, we… Okay, let me tell you one thing, we’re a little bit jealous. Okay, we also want a BMW. Okay, but what we got… Proton. Right, so… Never mind, never mind. It’s okay, we like our Proton. We love our Proton. Right? But here’s the thing, though. I mean, I’m sure you guys are lovely, I’m sure you Singaporeans are lovely, right? But there are Singaporeans, who, you know, I don’t like. And those are the people who think that Singapore is better than Malaysia, right? Is there anyone who thinks like that here? Make some noise! Gosh! I still got people clapping like… Uh… No, but the thing is, some people do think that Singapore is better than Malaysia. I always hear this from my.. From these guys. Right, “Oh, Singaporean nasi lemak is better than Malaysian nasi lemak.” No! No! Of course not. Right? I tried your nasi lemak. I tried your nasi lemak, guys. I went to Punggol to try your Punggol nasi lemak, famous. Right. When I ordered my nasi lemak, they gave me so little sambal. Right. On the menu, it said “a hint of sambal.” What I saw was a rumor of sambal. Where the fuck is my sambal? Right? And I did what any Malaysian would do, I asked for more sambal. I went up to the counter, I asked for more sambal. You know what they said? I had to pay extra for sambal. Pay extra for sambal? What kind of Communist country is this? Fifty cents extra, that’s like Malaysian ringgit, 3,000 or something, right? Around about, around about, you know. It’s not accurate, but, you know, you get the point. Right? And then another one. Oh, oh… Singaporean bak kut teh is better than Malaysian bak kut teh. Is that true? No. Even the Muslims are answering at this point. Hey. Even the Muslims are like, “We don’t know what bak kut teh tastes like, but we believe!” Right? Because, look, your bak kut teh is white in color. It’s white in color. It’s so white, it’s trying to get a local wife. That is how white it is. Right. Oh, another one. Oh. Singaporean government is better than… Malaysian… Listen, guys, we can’t win every argument, all right? But at least we got nasi lemak! Yeah! We hold on to what we got. Right. Well, here’s the thing, I come down to Singapore to do a lot of shows. And a lot of my Malaysian friends would come around and say, did you know that they do the usual Singapore stereotype? “Hey, Singaporeans have no sense of humor, why do you comedy do there? Singaporeans have no sense of humor.” And I find this to be wrong. Singaporeans, you all have a sense of humor. Right? You all have a sense of humor. It’s just a little misplaced. Like, for instance, right, in Singapore, right, you all thought it was a good idea to have a restaurant called Hooters… in Singapore. Really? I mean, for those of you who are pretending not to know what Hooters is, because you are sitting next to your girlfriends or wives. Hooters is a place where they wear skimpy outfits to show off their assets, right? So that they get tips at the end of the night, right? To show off their assets in Singapore. What is the fucking point? Because when I went there, I had the biggest breasts. Not only did I win the Wet T-Shirt Contest, I got second and third. It’s free drinks all night, man. And another thing, another thing I realized about Singapore is that you have, you guys have trouble letting go. Three years ago, this was three years ago, guys. Three years ago, you all had a riot in Singapore. Little India riots. Right? Still fresh in everybody’s mind. Everybody’s like, “Yeah, correct.” Right? I opened the newspaper, “Singapore is ready for new riots.” Hello? Hello. Twenty-seven Indians overturned a car. You all call that a riot? How cute! In Malaysia, we call that Tuesday. And as I found out, in India, they call that a wedding. Oh, it’s… I make fun of you, guys, but I love coming to Singapore. I love coming to Singapore, right. Uh, the last time I came here, though, it was a little bit of a weird experience, because I lost my passport, right. I lost my passport in Singapore. And if you ever lost your passport in a foreign country, you will know what this feels like. If you haven’t, try not to do it, right, because it’s a hassle. You have to make a police report. Right. And I walked into a Singapore police station. I saw things… that I’ve never seen before in my life. All right. I walked in, and your policemen… were doing work. What kind of sorcery is this? How do you all pick your police? Can you tell us? Right. I walked up to one of the policemen. He looked at me and he said, “How can I help you?” The fucker spoke English! I gathered myself, I gathered myself, I looked at him, I said, “I lost my passport.” Right. The guy looked at me and said, “Sir, where are you from?” I said, “I’m from Malaysia.” He said, “Sir, can you prove it?” So I gave him 50 ringgit and left. You know, I’m glad you guys laughed, okay, but he put me in jail! Do we have any Americans in the audience? Make some noise! Uh, well, which part of America are you from? New York! -New York! Yeah! I don’t know where that is. And now you know how that feels, right? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make fun of you, but, uh, I did a show in the U.S. It’s a very small place. Uh, I don’t know if you have heard of it. It’s called the American Embassy in Jakarta. It’s a beautiful place. It is beautiful. Right, but here’s the thing. Right, here’s the thing. The American immigration officers that were there, uh, they were… a bit strict. Let’s put it this way. Uh, they looked at my passport, right. My name in my passport is Kavin Anak Lelaki Jayaram, which is a typical Malaysian name. Anak Lelaki is “son of,” and it’s abbreviated to A/L. So, what they read was, “Kavin Al Jayaram? I have not heard of that organization. Bob, get the lube! Code Brown.” Right, here’s… I’m not saying… I’m not saying… I know, I’m a brown man with a beard. I understand the stereotype. Right, I have a mirror at home, I know what I look like. All right, but here’s the thing, I grew my beard, because I wanted to look a bit hipster. I may have misjudged the length of beard, allowed for the color of my skin. Right? So, basically, everybody just thinks I’m a terrorist, right? And flying in airports is so difficult, right? Because of “Kavin Al Jayaram.” It’s… It’s hard, but all I’m saying is, look, I know what I look like. But use a bit of common sense. Okay, use a bit of common sense. Because have you ever seen a fat terrorist? Right? Think about this. Nobody is going, “Death to America. But first, McDonalds. Supersize.” No, no. Nobody is doing that, right? But I’m from Malaysia. I’m from Malaysia, right? And I know, for a fact, that in Malaysia, we will never have terrorists. We will never have terrorists in Malaysia. Right Think about this. If you’re a terrorist in the middle of Kuala Lumpur, carrying a backpack full of explosives, we have snatch thieves. You’re not gonna get very far. Right? I mean… It’s like, “Death to America! No 72 virgins for me, huh?” Uh… Seventy-two virgins, that’s the best thing about terrorism. Wait, hold on, that came out wrong. Uh… It’s funny though, like, look, they believe that if they martyred themselves, if they kill themselves in the name of terrorism, they get 72 virgins in the afterlife. Seventy-two virgins, right. Which is a great marketing plan. If you’re a guy. Right, what if you’re a female terrorist? Right, what then? Seventy That’s not a reward, you know. That’s a punishment, right? Seventy-two men who don’t know what the hell they’re doing. Seventy-two premature ejaculations. Seventy-two Singaporean men. Everybody, calm down! It’s just jokes, all right? You know, look, I’m not gonna lie to you, we do have an accent. Malaysia, Singapore, it’s very similar. It’s very similar. We have Manglish, you have Singlish, right? It’s very similar, though. I mean, in a way that we put the “lah” at the end of every sentence just to fuck things up, right? And then, there’s also… There’s also the fact that… Malaysia and Singapore, I mean, in Malaysia, there’s a lot of people, who, you know, English is a second language. Like Singapore as well, some of you all, English is a second language, right? So it’s very difficult for us to grasp some grammatical things. Like, for instance, pluralization, right? It’s very difficult to understand when do you pluralize something and when you don’t. So, what we do, is we just pluralize everything. Right? That’s a good way to start, I guess. Like, you know, like, when you call a receptionist, “Hows may I helps you?” Right? That happens. And like, I was talking to a friend of mine, like, I was talking about his favorite anime, right. He looked at me and said, “Dragons Balls.” I’m like, “No, that’s hentai. What are you doing? It’s different. Don’t.” You know, it’s weird, though, but, uh… sometimes, just one word of a sentence, can screw things up tremendously. Right? Like, for instance, a few years ago, we had the Typhoon Haiyan that hit the Philippines, right? Now, I’m not making fun of it. I’m not making fun of it. Right, it’s a tragedy, people lost their homes, people lost their lives. Right? And as the ASEAN community, Singapore, Malaysia, we wanted to help out. Right? I wanted to help out. Giving donations of food and, you know, water and stuff like that. Right, so I walked up to this counter, collecting donations in Malaysia. And the lady behind the counter looked at me and said, “Sir… do you want to send ‘aids’… to Philippines?” I’m like, “What are we sending to Philippines?” “‘Aids. Aids’ to the Philippines.” I’m like, “Hold on, wait, hold on a minute, okay? Calm down. Wait, what… How are we sending ‘AIDS’ to the Philippines?” She’s like, “Don’t worry, sir, you just give me the ‘aids.’ I will personally send it for you.” Which I thought was a good delivery system. Until I found out the Americans beat us to it. Uh… Everybody, calm down! It’s just jokes, all right? Uh, but accents work both ways, though. Accents work both ways. Like, when I was 17 years old, uh, I went to England to study. Right, I lived there for five years. Now, do we have anyone from England? Make some noise! Good. Fuck them, right. Because, you see… You see, because I was going to… I was going to England, right. And I thought I was going to England where they spoke English. I thought I was prepared. Right, I did really well in the exams. I thought I was prepared. Right. My mother was an English teacher. I thought I was prepared, right. I even had friends who were English people, from England, uh, in Malaysia. And he taught me some phrases. Like, I learned from him, that if I say “I’m tired,” they would say, “I’m knackered.” Right? Difference. Right? Like, if, for instance, I say, “That’s a transvestite.” He would say, “That’s my girlfriend.” Subtle differences, right? I thought I was prepared, I knew everything. Now, I was going to, you know… And then, I took a flight from Malaysia, and I landed in Newcastle Airport. Now, if you don’t know what Newcastle is, Newcastle is like the Kelantan… of England. Where they spoke in a different accent, nobody understood them. Right, I remember I walked out, 17 years old, I walked out from the plane, and people were looking at me like, “Why aye, man?” I’m like, “Sí, señor.” “Did I take the wrong flight? What is going on? Have the Vikings not left? Where am I?” Right? I got over the accent, I got over the accent quite quick. Right, but there was one thing I didn’t get over. Which is the way the British people told time. Which was very different from the rest of the world. Because I’m used to the usual way that we have learned in school. Which was, if you asked someone the time, they would look at you and go, “It’s 8:30, 4:15.” Hour, minute, no bullshit. So easy, right? But as a 17-year-old boy, I remember asking someone the time, he looks at me, he says… “Quarter past four.” And I looked at him, I said, “Dickhead. Why are you making me do maths? I asked for the time, not a riddle, what are you doing? Why am I solving a quadratic equation right now? Why do I need a scientific calculator to tell the time? Why” Right? And then, I realized that sometimes they don’t even tell you the hour. They would just look at you and go, “It is half past.” Half past what? That’s like going to McDonalds and ordering a Big Mac, and they give you a bun. You figure out the rest. Hey, come on. Like, just tell me the time, what’s wrong with you Now, when British people ask me the time… Right. Because it took me three years, it took me three years, for… I was there for five years. For the first three years, I didn’t know what time it was. The whole time, I just kept looking at the sun. “Where the fuck is the sun?” How fucked up does a place have to be, that the sun refuses to show up? It took me three years. I read books, I did research. Right, at the end of three years, I became a maths genius. Right, I became a maths genius. Now, when British people ask me the time, I fuck with them. Now, when British people ask me the time, I go, “It is five past… quarter to… half past six.” And when they look at me all confused, I go, “Divided by eight!” Uh, ladies and gentlemen… uh, as I said, you know, traveling the world doing stand-up comedy, I realized one thing. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this. Uh, I am Malaysian, but I’m Indian by descent. Right, my parents are Indian from Malaysia. And my grandparents were from India, right. And, uh, you see, the thing is, Indians have moved around the world. Right? Everywhere, everywhere in every country, there are Indians. Like, I’ve been to Switzerland, there are Indian people there. Like, I’ve been to Fiji, there are Indian people there, right. And the thing is, everywhere in the world, this is the stereotype of Indian people. “Tiki, tiki, tiki, I work at 7-Eleven. Tiki, tiki, tiki, I fix your computer. Tiki, tiki.” Fuck you guys for laughing at that. But in Malaysia, it’s a little bit different. It’s a little bit different. Right, this is the stereotype of Indian people. “Tiki, tiki, tiki, I stab you. Tiki, tiki, tiki, I steal your computer.” Right? You know, but the thing is, that is the stereotype of Indian people in Malaysia, right. And I grew up in Malaysia as an Indian, right. And it’s hard, though. Because my dad… My dad has a very thick Indian accent, right. My dad… I didn’t quite understand him when I was younger because when… He used to give me advice, right. When I was younger, he would come up to me and say, “Son, if you’re looking for the right woman, you must look for the three B’s. The brains, the beauty… and the ‘bersonality’.” I have not found the “bersonality” yet, ladies and gentlemen. But here’s the thing, me and my dad have a relationship, right. Like every other Asian dad and son. Right. Like, for instance, you, sir. Like you and your dad. Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Yes. -Yeah. Fair enough. Did your dad ever tell you, “I love you,” in your whole life? -Maybe once or twice. Maybe once or twice. Well done. Because my father has never been that drunk, I guess. I… I don’t know, my dad has never told me he loves me. Right, he has never told me he loves me. Like, it’s weird, because now, I have a child of my own, right, a beautiful six-year-old girl. Right. And I love her, I love her, I tell her I love her every day. And I realized that my father tells her… he loves her, too. What about me? With her, he can say it, but with me, he cannot. And I asked him, I looked at him and I said, “Dad, why… How come you’ve never said ‘I love you’ to me?” And he looked at me and said, “Why must I tell you? You’re alive, aren’t you?” Right? Like, my dad, my dad loves alcohol. He drinks… a lot. Borderline alcohol problem, right. But… But he drinks a lot, and the thing is, I owe everything to my dad. I owe a lot of things to my dad, right. Because I wouldn’t be a comedian if it wasn’t for my dad. Right, because my dad would tell me jokes when I was younger. Right. Maybe they were a little bit inappropriate, but he would tell me jokes when he drinks. Like, I remember this one joke he told me. Let me see if you like it, right? Uh, when I was younger, he came up to me and he said, “Son, why do Chinese people like to watch porno movies backwards? Because they like to see the prostitute give the money back.” Listen, listen, I’m glad you guys liked it, all right. But I was five years old, all right? And I remember, like, my dad… I looked at my dad, like, “Dad, what’s a prostitute?” And my dad was like, “Your auntie! Your auntie is a prostitute!” My mother recently added me on Facebook. Right. Uh, it’s hard to get up in the morning to find out you have been poked by your mother. I remember the first time my mother poked me, my father liked it. It was very bad. Like, okay, my mom is… She has a smartphone now. She has a smartphone. Right, like, how many of you all are in a family WhatsApp group? Make some noise. How many of you all wanna kill yourselves? Make some noise! Right! It’s one of those… The worst thing ever! The family WhatsApp where you can’t leave the group. It’s like leaving the fucking family. Like what is the point of the family WhatsApp group? Ten thousand messages in the morning. “Good morning, family.” Really You have never said good morning to me to my face! But now, suddenly, so many messages, all with pictures… of angels. “Good morning, family.” What are you doing And my mom, she likes to forward messages, wholesale. Wholesale forward messages from one group to another. Doesn’t read through the messages. She just forwards the messages from one group to another. Like, the other day, I got a message, “Oh, chicken causes cancer.” Three minutes later, “Rice causes cancer.” Five minutes later, “Come home, chicken curry and rice for dinner.” Commitment, Mother. I realized, I didn’t have a very good relationship with my parents when I was growing up. And I guess I understand why. Because I wasn’t a very good kid when I was growing up. Right, for instance, for instance, this is something I used to do, I used to shoplift a lot. I used to shoplift, right. I guess it’s a way to get attention. Right? It’s a way to get attention. It’s also a way for… You know, I didn’t get a lot of money when I was a kid, so I thought, there’s things that I wanted and I just took it right from the shops. Like, for instance, here’s one thing, uh… As an example, I used to steal condoms from the shop. But, okay, look, I still do it now. I still steal condoms, not because of attention. Now, I just do it, because I can’t deal with the judgment of the person behind the counter when you buy a condom, right? It’s very difficult. It’s very difficult. Like, when I buy condoms, I put it in the counter, they look at me, look at the condoms and go… “Oh… You’re having sex, huh? Twelve pack, huh? Strawberry flavor, huh?” Right, it’s very difficult to deal with that. Right? So what I do, I just steal it, I just stole it, right. And then… Well, it came to a time when I was 17 years old that I wanted to use one of the condoms. Basically, what I’m saying is, I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old. Calm down. Don’t be so happy I lost my virginity. I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old. And I found it again when I got married, though. Uh… It was in the drawer all along, right. There came a time when I had to use it, and I realized, at that time, in the ’90s, I had made a mistake. Right, I had made a mistake. Instead of stealing condoms, I had stolen Femidoms. Female condoms. Right. And, look, if you don’t know the difference, it’s the same thing, only the size of a dinner plate. I remember looking at it, going, “Shit. Is that the normal size? Am I Chinese” Right.

When I was young, I used to watch a lot of porn movies. I used to watch a lot of porn movies. Okay, to be fair, I still watch it now. Because I am married. Do you remember the first porn movie you ever watched, bro? No. You don’t watch porn, of course. No. No, of course. I don’t know. I don’t even know why I looked at you, right. Because you look like the kind of guy I wanna go to your house and download your hard drive. Yeah, you look like the kind of guy I would download your hard drive, lock myself in a room for three months, come out just blind. All dissolved. But, okay, the reason I asked you is because I remember the first one I watched. It was called Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. Right. It’s absolutely true. Google this. Google this. It’s absolutely true. It does exist, right. I remember my friend… uh, got this videotape from… Brought this videotape to school. Remember VHS tapes? Do you guys remember VHS tapes? Yeah, it was on VHS tape, right. He brought it to school, told everybody that it was wrestling. But I knew what it was. I knew what it was, right. VHS tapes, the cutting-edge technology of our time. Right, the cutting-edge technology of our time. Because before that, all we had was the TV, right? And you always, like, MediaCorp, or TV1, TV2, that’s all you had, right? If you wanted to, you could not… If you wanted to go to the toilet, you either had to wait for an ad break, or you had to miss two to five minutes of the movie. Right? Then, came VHS tapes. You can rewind, you can forward. You can pause. The… The pause button. It was not a pause button, it was a dance button, wasn’t it? Right, you can be watching the most violent movie in the world, like Rambo. Pause. Unpause. Right? You can make any movie into a Bollywood movie, that’s what I’m saying. How many of you all were growing up in the ’80s? Make some noise! How many of you all grew up in the ’90s? Make some noise! You all can fuck off, right. Because… No, here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. Look at the guys who grew up in the ’80s. They’re the most innovative, the most creative, the most hardworking people in the world. You know why? You know why? Because we had to work for our porn! We had to work for our porn. Because I grew up in a time before the Internet. Before the Internet. Right now, you can download your movies, it’s like a high speed Internet. You don’t even have to download, you can stream. We didn’t have the Internet. The only thing I had was the Avon catalog. I remember the Avon catalog, my mother was an Avon lady. I used to steal the catalog, run up to the toilet, turn to page 32. Bras and panties. I remember very clearly, like, because… Here’s one thing you need to understand. Like, Malaysia, we didn’t have real women modeling the bras and panties. It was headless mannequins. Right, we had to imagine the breasts. Right, so we… And you know, we had to work hard for our porn. Like, do you guys remember dial Do you guys remember dial Yeah. You don’t know pain. You don’t know pain until you’ve had dial-up fucking Internet. Oh. Dial-up Internet. It was so hard. It was so hard, you had to wait till three o’clock in the morning to do anything questionable. Because we all had one computer in the hall. The family computer. Right. I remember, because we… I had to wait until three o’clock in the morning, right. When everybody, my father was asleep, my mother was asleep. My dog was asleep. Right, because… And my dad, my dad had a very good alarm system in the house. Right, so, whenever we wanted to go down the stairs, he knew immediately because we had creaky stairs. Right, so every time… He knew. He knew we were going. But what we did was, me and my brother, we came, we sat down, we came up with a plan. Right, we sat down, we came up with a plan. Right. Because we knew, my father snores very loudly. So what we did was, we timed our steps… with the snoring. Right, so every time… But then, there was a flaw in the plan, because, sometimes, sometimes, my father would turn to his side and stop snoring. So, it was like… And I was stuck there for hours. And when we did finally get downstairs, we had to turn on the computer. Turn on the computer. And then, half an hour later, when the computer has started up. Windows fucking NT. Then we had to turn on the loudest thing you have ever heard… in your entire life. Which was the 56K modem. It sounds like you’re molesting a Decepticon, you know? Why the hell did they have to make it so loud? Right. It was difficult because you had to… You… Oh, you couldn’t download movies, you couldn’t download… anything, you couldn’t download GIFs or so. You had to download still pictures. Still pictures, right? Only pictures. Right. Which is bad, because you had to imagine the movements yourself. Unless you’re a little bit creative and you download two pictures and go… Which is very difficult, right? Because you have to work the mouse and the joystick at the same time. Some kind of hand-eye coordination. It took 20 minutes to download one picture. Twenty minutes to download one picture. I only lasted for three. Hey, I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’ve masturbated to Pamela Anderson’s forehead so many times. I don’t even know what she looks like. But, yeah, VHS tape. Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. I remember, I was alone at home. It was going to be… a good day. I went home, I made myself some Milo. It was going to be… a good day. Put in the tape and start rewinding. It was going to be a good day. And then my mother… comes home early from work that day to spend more time with her son. I know, right. And that’s when I learned the most valuable lesson I have ever learned in my entire life. Which was… VHS tapes never ejected in an emergency. I remember my mom coming in through the gate, and I’m like, “Eject, eject, eject!” Nothing came out. Great. I’m like, I panicked, I panicked, I turned everything off. I turned on the TV, my mom walks in, she’s like, “Kavin, what are you doing?” “I’m watching the news.” And she’s like, “Kavin, if you’re watching the news, why don’t you have any pants on? And why is there an Avon catalog next to you?” I ran upstairs. I ran upstairs to the sanctuary of my room. As a 14-year-old boy, the only sanctuary you have is your room. Right? And, ladies and gentlemen, I’m not, I’m not a religious man. But that day… That day, I was a Catholic priest. I was 14 years old and molesting myself. Everybody, calm down. I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. I’ve never prayed so hard before in my life. I prayed that my mother would not find the VHS tape inside the VCR. And when I needed Him the most, ladies and gentlemen, He did not answer my prayers. Because my mother did not come home to spend more time with her son, no. She came home because she wanted to watch her favorite Indian drama… that she recorded the night before. And she thought the tape was already inside. And she just presses play. To be fair, she didn’t realize it was a different movie. Right, for the first half an hour, she didn’t realize, she was just looking at it, going… “What happened to their saris?” She called me downstairs. She called me downstairs, and she looked at me, and she said, “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell.” She had the tape in her hands, suddenly ejected. “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” And then she says the most terrifying words you can say to a 14-year-old boy. Which is, “Wait till your father comes home.” Well, that was terrifying… That was terrifying for me. Especially, because both my parents used to beat me. Let’s face it. Both my parents used to beat me all the time. Right, and, to be fair, I deserved most of the beatings. Right. Because if I wasn’t beaten, I would not be here telling you jokes. I’ll be outside robbing you. So, fair enough. But my father was hardcore. And my father was hardcore. My father had two sons. He sat us both down and said, “The reason I had two sons, is because, one day, I know I’m gonna kill one of you.” And if I’m being honest, I miss my brother. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed that my father would not come home. I was the only child in the entire world that prayed his father don’t come home. He did not answer my prayers. Because my father did come home that night. And my mom obviously told him the whole story. She told him the whole story. He knows what happened, right, but he decided to ask me. Right. “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. What is this?” I looked at him and said, “It’s a horror movie.” Because I had hope, right? And that’s when he looked at me, and said, “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. Horror movie, huh? Let’s watch it.” Right. He puts in the tape and starts rewinding it. Here I am, with my father… my mother, my brother, and my grandmother… all watching porn. Like it’s some kind of family activity. As you can imagine, it was awkward as hell, right. My mother was screaming, “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My grandmother going, “Why aren’t they wearing any saris?” My mother was screaming, “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My brother was flipping through the Avon catalog at this point. “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My dog was humping my leg. “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My father went, “Shut up! The creature from hell is not even out yet!” Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for listening to my stories. Thank you so much for making tonight so special. Thank you, everyone. Good night.

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Ali Wong:
Hard Knock Wife (2018)



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