COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: PATTON OSWALT (1999) – Full Transcript

2018-04-20T11:34:27-07:00 April 20th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Patton Oswalt

(Announcer) from New York City, Comedy Central presents Patton Oswalt

(cheering)

Thank you. Thanks. Oh, thank you all for coming out. This makes it nice, having an audience for my special. Thank you very much. You know, remember when you were a little kid, and your friends would be out playing a game like cowboys and Indians or fort, some game where there was, like, fake boundaries? So they would say, “okay, the bike path over at the scaffetys’ is lava, “and if you touch that, you’re dead. “And then the hedges over at the slingerlands’ “are poison snakes, “and if you go over there, “they’ll bite you and you’re dead. And those are the boundaries.” But you weren’t there when they started playing. Like, you show up an hour later, ’cause you’re going to the pool. You’re like, “hey, guys, I’m gonna go to the pool.” And they say, “hey, don’t touch the bike path, it’s lava! Don’t– the hedges are snakes!” And you’ve gotta say, “oh, I’m not– “guys, I wasn’t here when you did all that. “I’m just going to the pool. It doesn’t affect me.” Do you know what I’m talking about? That’s pretty much how I treat the pot laws in this country. Kinda the same way, you know, just the whole… “Patton, you can’t… You can’t have that, it’s illegal.” “Oh, I’m not– go ahead. “I wasn’t here when you did all that. “Yeah, I know, okay, don’t worry about it, it’s– “I know, it’s lava– it’s just marijuana. “Don’t worry, see ? It’s fine. Don’t worry.”

I like– well, I don’t like reading the obituaries, but I read the obituaries a lot, because it just seems to me that people that write the obituaries either wanna be p.r. People or they’re failed p.r. People, and they’re trying to keep it going. “Hey, look, I spun death!” For instance, in the obituaries, no one ever dies of cancer. People always give in after a valiant battle with cancer, or they throw in the towel after a courageous fight, which, statistically, that can’t be possible. There had to have been a couple of cowardly ordeals in there. You know what I mean ? Like “bob smith died today “after a craven, cowardly ordeal with cancer, “during which he wished the disease “on his family and friends, “and attempted a pact with Satan “which left his basement covered in goat’s blood “and four boxes of chalk needlessly wasted, “trying to summon a demon who never appeared. “The few mourners who showed up at his funeral “had a hard time not giggling. Good riddance.” My other big obituary fear is, when I die, they’ll have my picture, and then they always have underneath it, in quotes, “he loved to laugh.” Oh, he loved to laugh. Well, that doesn’t tell you anything. Everybody loves to laugh. You’re laughing. That’s like saying, “he hungered for food “so often in his life, he got these insane cravings. “He tried to give it up. “He’d have a big breakfast and say, “‘that’s it, cold turkey.’ “And then at lunch he’d want some cold turkey. “He was pathetic. “Battled it alongside of his sleep addiction. “Oh, that sleep addiction was a monkey on his back. “He’d go 18, 20 hours, but sooner or later, “he’d look for a ‘bed’ to ‘lie down in’, “as the crazy sleep junkies would say in that “weird street lingo of theirs. “‘I’m gonna go take a nap.’ What’s that hepcat saying ?” Although I can’t think of anything creepier than watching someone laugh who hates to laugh. How disturbing would that look ? Like, you tell ’em a joke, and they’re like, “eh-eh-heh– oh, laughter !” ( Grunting ) look at my set. They built me a set. Oh, all the money.

I live in Los Angeles right now. I love going to, like, old movies. I’m a real film buff, and Los Angeles is the place to go to a lot of movies. They show old movies all the time. But unfortunately, you have to watch ’em with people that live in Los Angeles, and a lot of them– they’ll go to these old movies, but they’ll bring their bull ( bleep ) Starbucks liberalism with them. You know what I mean ? As if it still applies to the movies that they’re watching. Like i– they were showing John Wayne’s The Searchers. The Searchers, one of the greatest films ever made. So we’re all watching it at the Mann’s Chinese. “Oh, man, this is amazing.” So the movie starts up. The first title comes up: Texas, 1868. Texas, 1868. So this woman two seats down from me starts reacting to the film as if it were made today. She starts going, “oh, well, let the women clear the table “while the men just sit there and talk. “Okay, and let’s all be racist “to the Indians while we’re at it. That’s good.” Um, ma’am ? It’s the Old West, okay ? It was settled by big, white, racist psychopaths. I’m sorry. Those are the guys that settled it. It wasn’t settled gap greeters ajamba juice employees on their break. It would have been nice, but no. No. What are you thinking ? “If I had settled this country–” we’d all be dead right now. You’d be dead. ‘Cause I would have been out there, going, “oh, my inner child doesn’t feel like chopping wood today. I haven’t–” “we’re gonna die, you idiot!” “I know, but I was reading Andrea Dworkin, and she says the males–” “please kill an animal so we can eat! Please!”

We’re at war, right? I’m only saying we’re at war, because I turned on CNN last week, and there was a green city on TV. Whenever you turn on CNN and there’s a green city with white dots over it, you’re like, “oh, I guess we need oil. “Hey, honey, we should go fill the car up. Oil prices–” as I speak to my wife, who doesn’t exist. “Honey, we should go get… The…” My phantom wife. These war reporters, too, for CNN– they try to make out like they’re still that whole Edward Murrow– “I’m in London while they’re bombing us,” or “I’m in the jungles of Vietnam.” These guys are in a day’s inn, miles away from the shelling, still trying to come on like they’re king swaggercock. “Yeah, I’m in the middle of the war. Look out !” And these guys try to play it up, like, “yes, we’re in the day’s inn. “The shelling has started. “We’ve lost spectra vision, Bernie. “We have– I don’t know how ‘blade’ ends. “Wesley was fighting the vampires, “and he looked like he was doing well, but who knows. “It’s just– it’s pure hell, Bernie. “It is pure– black is white, white is black– it’s chaos. “I ordered a sandwich, “I specifically said no mayonnaise, “the sandwich came… Slathered, Bernie. “Slathered is the only word I can use “for the amount of mayonnaise. “We sent it back, we’re praying that– “please keep us in your prayers– “that the sandwich will come back with no mayonnaise. “Mustard on the side, I know, is way too much to hope for, “but just the no mayonnaise “would give me some semblance of sanity. “Bernie, the sandwiches are here. “They’re wheeling the sandwiches in. “We’re going to– “there’s no mayonnaise on my sandwich, Bernie. “There is no mayonnaise. “God bless America! God bless America.”

It’s really great to be in New York right now. It is, this is a terrific city. But it does not hold a candle to Amsterdam. I went to Amsterdam last year– has anyone ever been there ? Oh, man ! I was like Templeton the Rat in Charlotte’s Web. Just running around, “oh, hookers and pot!” It was unbelievable. And being, like, a typical american jackass, I decided to go to the coffee shops and get a little marijuana, ’cause that’s what Americans do. So, um– and I was like Goldilocks. I was so selective. “This shop’s too new wave. This one’s too reggae.” And I found the perfect shop. It was called “the dolphin,” on the Keizerstraat. You know how I know it was perfect ? ‘Cause the mix tape, when I went in– supergrass, Elvis Costello, and the Beastie Boys. The holy triumvirate ! So– now, the story that I’m about to tell is true. This all happened. And I wish it didn’t, ’cause it sounds fake, but this all happened the way I’m about to describe it. It sounds very Zemeckis, but it’s real. And keep in mind that it’s 4:30 in the afternoon when this happens, which meant it was 8:30 in the morning back in Los Angeles. So please keep that in mind. So I go in, and I ask to see the pot menu. Now, when you go into the coffee shops and you wanna see the pot menu, they either bring out a three-ring binder with ’em all in pockets, or in this case, she brought out this tackle box that she opened like a flower of joy. And so I’m looking at all these, and I’m trying to be all Derek Flint, Matt Helm, international cool. Like, “the Thai looks a little shaggy. I don’t know.” Of course, inside, I’m like, “ya-ha-ha-ha, woo !” So finally, I say, “look, I’m not gonna do anything “for the next couple of days, “so just give me something that’s gonna get right on top of my boo-boo.” And she said, “you want the white widow from Afghanistan.” So I go, “yeah, I’ll take the white widow.” Now, she should have warned me, though. The best marijuana you smoke in the united states, you may as well be smoking shoelaces compared to the stuff they have over there. And the bud she selected for me left its parents on krypton, all right ? So she starts making, like, she goes, “I can put it in a cookie, or I can make tea, or I can roll you a joint.” And I said, “you can roll me a joint.” So she starts rolling this joint– and to give you an idea of the care and concern and craftsmanship that went into my joint– just as she began rolling it, queen’s “we are the champions” started playing on the mix tape. That’s what started playing. It took her the entire song to roll it. The entire song ! She was taking out stems and seeds. Oh, rolling it so nice– hi ! And, so she’s, like, rolling it, and then she starts, like, licking it to seal it, looking right at me– “I… Wh… The… Hoo-hoo…” And it’s 4:30 in the afternoon in Amsterdam, which meant it was 8:30 in the morning back in l.a. If I had kept my writing job on the sketch show I used to be on, I would just then be waking up to go in and pitch sketches that I don’t wanna write, like, “I don’t know, how about “‘midnight in the olive garden of good and evil ?’ “What ?– Come on!” Instead, I’m in Amsterdam in a coffee shop, where this blonde nordic giantess is carefully licking my joint closed, while queen’s “we are the champions” plays on the mix tape. My life rocked ! For a minute!

And I visited the Anne Frank house. If you go to Amsterdam, you’ve got to go to the Anne Frank house. No, it was really emotional. It was really spiritual. I just couldn’t believe it. You go in, and it’s the actual house. But I didn’t know that you had to pay to get in. I thought you just– it was a historical– I thought you just go in and you take the tour. And there’s this big booth in the lobby, and I thought, “well, that’s an information booth,” and I just breezed on by, upstairs I went. Woo! Started taking the tour. So the woman downstairs is like, “did that guy just not pay ? He didn’t pay!” So she comes up the stairs after me. Now, when I go to other countries– this is gonna sound kinda lame– but I sorta think of myself as an ambassador, insofar as I don’t wanna be a typical american douche nozzle, and getting thrown out of the Anne Frank house– that’s it. I mean, you’ve won the douche nozzle sweepstakes. So she’s looking for me, and I’m already on the third floor. I’m like, “oh, man, what do I do?” So I hid behind this bookcase on the third floor. I didn’t know where else to go! So she was looking for me for, like, half an hour, so I didn’t know what to do. So I kept this diary while I was back there, ’cause I was just bored. I didn’t, y’know, I didn’t know what was gonna happen. So I’d like to read an excerpt from the diary that I kept while I was there. “Saturday, January 10th. “I didn’t know that you had to pay to get into “the Anne Frank house, “and now I’m hiding behind a bookcase on the third floor. “When will people learn that you have to make it clear “when you’re supposed to pay to get into a historic landmark “like the Anne Frank house, “so that people like me need not live in fear? “Still, I believe people are basically good, “and I hope someday to have a girlfriend who’ll let me feel her breasts.” So that’s just an excerpt. I didn’t– I had to leave my diary there when I fled, and I just hope they print it so people can learn from my mistake.

So I’m 30 now. I just turned 30, and– which means I’m getting older. You know what I’ve realized? You can grow old two ways. You can either grow old in which you hate everything, and you’re just, “you kids with your robot servants !” Or you can grow old like me, in which you lose your love and hatred of everything. You know, my scale of love and hatred used to go from “oh, yeah, really ?! Woo !” To “oh, no way, oh, get– no!” Now the scale goes– here’s my scale. Ready? “Oh, that’s… Mm-hmm.” To “oh, eh, no.” Yeah, I don’t know… Okay, that’s right. So…

Remember when you were growing up and you wanted to color eggs for Easter? Where did you go ? There was only one game in town. Paas. You went Paas, or you went to hell! Remember that? That was on the box. ‘Cause they had the monopoly. They could say that. Remember when you got the kit ? What did you get ? You got the little color tablets– remember those ? And you put ’em in the water and the water would smell like a vinegar fart, and then you would take the egg and put the egg in the little wire seat– remember that, that little torture seat ? “I’ll lower you to your doom ! Scream all you want !” Or, like me, you’d put all the tablets into one glass, and that would turn the eggs brown. “Oh, can’t get brown eggs, Patton. That’s our little prodigy.” Then you could punch out the back of the box– remember that– and make a little egg holder. Oh, remember that ? But, like me, you wouldn’t wait for the eggs to dry, and then the box would dissolve, and your dad would start drinking– that’s not important. What’s important is that that is all the kit came with. But then remember in the ’70s all those upstart companies came along, trying to unseat the Paas dynasty?! There was “shake an egg”– remember “shake an egg”? You put the egg in the bag with the glitter and it came out looking all glam rocky, like it fell out of David Bowie’s ass? “Hey, look, happy Easter! Bang a gong, everybody!” And then Ronco came out with that weird inquisition clamp. Remember that? You’d put the egg in the clamp, and then you’d put the magic marker and a clamp here, and then you’d turn the egg all… “Oh, a line! “There’s a line on the egg! It’s 4:00 in the morning.” I went back in the drugstore recently, looking for egg coloring kits– there’s only one company standing. Paas, ladies and gentlemen. Paas! And when you get the kit– you buy that kit, you know what you get ? You get five colored tablets, a little wire thing, a punch– they didn’t change a thing! What chrome-plated balls on those guys. They didn’t– I just imagine their founder, some guy named Henry Paas, going, “let ’em go to their little “shake an eggs” “or their Ronco things. “They’ll come crawling back. “We’re Paas. “My father started this company with one color tablet, “and it was white, and we were thankful! “Paas! “Happy Easter, and bite my wrinkly ball sack. Put that on the box!” Can we say “bite my wrinkly ball sack?” Well, I guess we’re gonna find out. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

I love how TV is so good right now. There’s a lot of really good shows on TV. And what’s great about all these good shows being on TV is it makes the bad shows look like an infected ‘rhoid– like they really stand out. For instance, especially, like, tfox network is starting to realize that, you know, “except The Simpsons and the X-Files and king of the hill our network sorta sucks.” So they’re starting to show just videos of things like “world’s scariest police chases,” and “when things go wrong.” And they show a guy in a parachute. “Aaaah!” Just falling. It’s always the same guy. “Aaaaah!” And that’s cool. I’ll watch those shows. But then recently they really hit the bottom of the barrel, because they showed a show called Fox’s most shocking medical videos. Anyone see this show? “Most shocking medical videos.” Okay, a couple things. Number one, all medical videos are shocking! They’re medical videos, for god’s sakes. There’s no soothing medical videos. There’s nothing like, “well, the stuffing’s taking forever, “so let’s watch this episiotomy footage that I have. “When the bone saw hits the ligaments, it’s a symphony.” The other thing is, during the whole special, they kept trying to show you– they kept trying to tell you, “well, you’re gonna learn something about medical science. “This is a very educational show, and you’ll learn about the wonders of science.” No, no. This is all wet-ass hour surgery, when the bottom has fallen through the basement, and some guy comes in with an elk’s leg up his ass, and the doctor’s like, “ahh, ah… “Ah, I don’t have… “There’s no elk/ass chapter of the Gray’s Anatomy. “Get some tongs and… Some butter. “I don’t know. I didn’t train for this.” I think the bottom moment of the special came when this guy– there was a guy that went up in the Himalayas, and he got extreme frostbite, and his face turned black, and then… Fell off ! His face fell off ! So the doctors are reconstructing his face, and now he’s got no nose. So he has options. Oh, he’s got options now. Option number one is to get this fake clip-on nose. It’s a fake hard plastic nose, and they put these metal studs, and you clip it on. And they show a guy with no nose, and the guy clips it on, and he looked okay. He looked like– he looked fine. But this guy said, “oh, phooey and pshaw. “No fake nose for me. “That’s all flummery. I want something real.” So the doctors consult this ancient sanskrit medical text. Why they are consulting an ancient sanskrit medical text– beyond me. But there’s a way they can take skin and fat from other parts of your body and grow appendages. So they make a nose out of, like, ass fat and thigh skin, and they grow it upside down on his forehead. So for a year, he has a hole in his face, and an upside-down nose. Aagh! Go into restaurants, catching a flick– oh my god! Then they take the ass-fat nose, sew it over the nose hole, and they show him with his new, natural-looking nose. And it looked horrifying. Oh my god, if my face ever fell off, I would have the presence of mind to kill myself. I would not hang around, mr. Soppy gobface, clinging on to life. (Grumbling) “oh my god, what’s wrong with him ?” “He loves life, he won’t let go.” (Grumbling) “oh god, please kill yourself!” Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night. Thank you. Thanks a lot. ( Cheering and applauding )

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