ARI SHAFFIR: DOUBLE NEGATIVE (2017) – Full Transcript

2018-02-24T19:00:03+00:00February 17th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Ari Shaffir: Double Negative

Shaffir’s Double Negative collection includes a 44-minute set called Children, followed by a 47-minute called Adulthood; both filmed on the same night at Cap City Comedy Club in Austin. Shaffir took only a brief intermission to change his wardrobe and the lighting, keeping the same crowd in the house.

Children

[♪♪♪] [audience cheering] Thank you, everybody. [chuckles] Thank you very much. Hell yeah. My friend got pregnant off a Tinder date. Right? Yes. That’s what I’m talking about. Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date? That’s the future, everybody. Remember when you were little, you thought about the future? What it was gonna look like. You were wrong. [audience laughs] We were all wrong. I thought it was gonna look like Star Trek. Not the space travel, but everything else. Everything would be clean, all the people would be smart and classy. [chuckles] Nope. You know why? I figured it out. White trash goes to the future, too. And they’re getting pregnant off phone apps. [all chuckling] Who gets pregnant off a Tinder date? Also, who gets pregnant at all, by the way?
Enough, you guys. Enough. It’s unoriginal. Children are garbage. [audience chuckles] If you have a kid, obviously, obviously, I mean your kid, too. They’re all garbage. You know it. You know they are. You’ve seen them at their worst. You know they are. Ever see a kid run around, and then be out of breath, and then try to drink water? They have no idea how to do it. Watch them next time. Watch them fail completely. They come in like: [panting] [imitates drinking] [gasping] [imitates drinking] It’s like, “Dude, you’re 15, bro. Fuck is wrong with you? You breathe in through the nose, idiot.”

And they’re bipolar, they scream over nothing. I was on a plane to Tampa, Florida like a month ago. And, uh, I was gonna sleep the whole way, right? Then a fucking 2-year-old sat right in front of me. “Motherfucker.” Nobody’s happy about that. Nobody, when you see a 2-year-old is like, “Yeah.” It’s always, “Goddamn it.” [audience laughs] Yeah, it’s gonna ruin my trip. Not this kid. Not this kid. He was an angel, a little fucking angel. Slept the whole way. Couldn’t believe it. And then we landed. The mom woke him up, you know. “Casper. Casper.” That was his name. White kid. Obviously, a white kid. [audience chuckles] Clearly, it’s a white kid. “Casper, honey, wake up.” Then Casper gets up and goes: “Ah! Ah! No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to go!” It’s like, “Dude, Casper, we’re here. It’s a good thing. Do you hate Tampa?” [audience chuckles]

I’m ten minutes away from getting a vasectomy. I swear to God. I think about it all the time. If they were easier to get, I’d have gotten one. If they had vasectomies at 7-Eleven, I’d have gotten, like, five. My friends don’t want me to. “Don’t get a vasectomy. You crazy? What if you want to have kids someday?” And I’m like, “What day?” When is this day coming? I’ve hated children since I was 5. Whatever, if I get a vasectomy, and I change my mind, and I want to have kids, I can just adopt a kid. I don’t see why nobody thinks that’s an option. What’s wrong with adoption? Why build a new team for the draft when there’s quality free agents waiting to get picked up? [audience laughs] [chuckles] You know?

I know some people are super against adoption. Know somebody like that? “No fucking way. No way.” My one buddy is like that. “Any kid for me must come from my genes. A hundred percent, no matter what, must come from my genes.” I’m like, “What are you, a king? What are you talking about?” This ain’t Game of Thrones, idiot. Just care for something. Plus, hold on. Your genes? Your father abandoned your family. You dropped out of college. And you’re short, and you’re bald. You have horrible genes. If you care about genes so much, end the bloodline right now. You ain’t a doctor. You won’t be missed.
Nothing wrong with adoption. With adoption, you can shop before you buy. [audience laughs] That’s just smart, no? Huh? Let’s say I had a biological kid. You had a biological kid. And let’s say for argument’s sake that he came out with big fucking buck teeth. Like two times the size of regular… Like Bugs Bunny ass giant buck teeth. You know, that’s not a deal breaker. Nobody in the world is gonna be like, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” You’d have to be a monster. At the same time, nobody dreams about it. Nobody’s like, “When I have a kid, I’ll teach him how to eat pizza from the ground up to get around those.” If there’s a high wind, I’ve got to hold his shoulder or he’ll fly away. Family pictures you’re like, “Smile with your mouth closed. We talked about this. Fucking buck-tooth motherfucker. Ruining my goddamn dreams.” [audience member clapping]
You don’t got to worry about it with an adopted kid. With an adopted kid, you just go into the human pound, you know. You look around. All the kids come to the front of their cages, I guess. Pick me. Pick me. Please. [mouthing] Please, please, please. Please, please, please. [in normal voice] You’re like, “Kids, you’re too needy. Let me come to you.” And you see one shy kid way in the back, you know. You look up, he looks up at you. “That might be him. That might be my boy.” And you go over there all nervous. “Hey, buddy. What’s your name?” And he’s like, “Peter.” “Hey, Peter. I’m Ari.” “So?” [audience laughs] “You want to go home today?” “I don’t know, maybe. What the fuck?” [audience chuckles] “I think I like you. I think you’re gonna be my son.” – He’s like, “Yeah, that’d be cool.” – [audience laughs] “All right. Are you happy about that?” “Yeah. Yeah.” “Like, can you show me that you’re happy?” “What do you want?” “I don’t know, smile or something.” “I don’t want to.” “Why? It feels good to smile. Everyone likes to smile. It works out more muscles in your mouth.” And he’s like, “Okay.” “No! Fucking buck teeth. Nice try, motherfucker. You ain’t ever getting out of here.” [audience chuckling]

Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. She was in between two different kinds of birth control. So, they used a condom but the condom broke. And they got the morning after pill the next day. The Plan B pill, and it didn’t take. It doesn’t always work. I know. Yeah, when you hear that out loud, you realize, like, she’s definitely… a liar. There’s no way. There’s no way. Any one of those things should have killed that baby. There’s no way all four didn’t do it. Is that sperm breaking tackles like he’s Emmitt Smith in his prime? Nobody believes that. And who’s breaking condoms, by the way? If you’re breaking condoms, you’re fucking wrong. You’re not 17 anymore. How are you…? Are you just like: [grunting] “Fuck. I broke another one.” “I know. Slow down.” Why are you drilling? There’s no oil down there, bro. Fucking kiss once in a while or something. They’re not supposed to break. One time when I was little, I was 7, 8 years old, uh, I found a condom, unused. And, uh… I didn’t know what to do with it, a 7-year-old. I was still ten years away from using condoms. And, like, 15 years away from no longer using condoms. Condoms suck. Condoms suck. You girls have no idea how shitty they are. Female privilege. Never worn a condom. That’s female privilege. Nobody ever talks about that. Here’s what condoms feel like, so you know. A condom feels like you’re getting a massage while wearing a winter coat. [audience laughs] Where you’re like, “I get what you’re going for. It doesn’t feel unpleasant, but some skin to skin contact would help this a long way.” I found this condom. I didn’t know what to do with it, 7-year-old, 8-year-old. What are you gonna do? I made a water balloon out of it. That’s what kids do. I made it big, too. I made it that big. I tested the strength of this condom. It was shaking when I wasn’t touching it. That’s how fucking full it was. It was shaped like this: [audience laughs] It was sitting on my porch with the molecules almost breaking through. “What am I gonna do with it? It’s my masterpiece.” At the time, it was the best thing I’d ever done in my life. “What am I gonna do?” I saw my buddy coming around the corner. I was like, “Oh, I’m gonna bean this motherfucker.” That’s what this condom water balloon was put on the Earth for. To soak my buddy Aaron. I picked it up, right? He didn’t see me. He came around the corner. I just hucked it at him as hard as I could. It just bounced off of him, fell down. Bounced away. Didn’t even break. How are you breaking it with love thrusts? [audience laughs] You’re fucking wrong. That’s how you got pregnant off a Tinder date. I don’t know, man. You got kids? You don’t? What’d you do, pull out? Most effective method of birth control, right there. It’s not a condom, 100 percent effective, pulling out. Yeah, people don’t believe me. Pulling out is 100 percent effective. It has never failed in 5000 years. A hundred percent. You know what’s less effective than pulling out? Barely pulling out. [audience chuckles] That is considerably less effective. If you pull out, and the first look on your face is like: Don’t besmirch the good name of pulling out with shitty barely pulling out methods. You should have to at least touch your dick for a second before you cum. You shouldn’t pull out and go, “Blah. There it is.” You should have to do something to it. Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. How do you explain that? How will she explain that to her kid when he’s old enough? When he’s like, “Mommy, where did I come from?” What’s she gonna say? She’ll be like, “Well, Tinderthy… [audience laughs] [chuckles] one day, Mommy went to the App Store. And then spent all afternoon just going: ‘No, no, no. Good enough.’ And that’s the story of you.” I wouldn’t have a problem with kids if parents didn’t bring them around too much. That’s my biggest issue. I shouldn’t see them all the time, you know? Most parents are cool about it, but some just are not. I went to Bonnaroo this year. You guys ever go to Bonnaroo? Yeah. It’s great, right? A giant music festival in Tennessee. Four days of camping and music. So much fun. So much fun. But sometimes parents are there now, and they bring their fucking kids. There are 3- and 4-year-old children running around Bonnaroo. And I want to be like, “Hey. We’re doing drugs. [audience laughs] Okay? And on acid, your child is frightening. He’s looking into my soul, and I don’t care for what he sees. He is a demon, and I will kill it. I will kill the demon to protect everyone else in this music festival. Yes, Kendrick, everything is gonna be all right. I’m gonna kill that demon.” There are places you don’t bring your kid, a nice restaurant. You ever go to a nice restaurant? Save up 80 bucks per meal. Go on a nice date. Wear a button down shirt. Try to get laid. Earn it. You know, go on Yelp, three cash signs. Tonight’s the night. Find the right place. Places where as soon as you sit down, they put your napkin on your lap for you. Those places where you’re like, “That’s slave shit. Why are you doing that? There’s no reason for that.” I’ve never seen a Yelp review, “I sat there like a schmuck, my napkin on my table, like an asshole for like 40 minutes.” But it’s nice. It’s date night. You’ll take it. It’s a good atmosphere. And you sit down all happy, you find the right place. Two tables over, you just hear: [yelling] “No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to!” Some fucking little kid. Some little baby sitting there in one of those handicapped chairs they sit in. [audience chuckles] Highchair, whatever you call it. I don’t care what you call it. We don’t sit in those. We’re not handicapped like that. I’m like, “Why is he here? For 80 bucks a meal? What a waste. He’s not even making memories.” Plus, his palate’s not refined enough. He doesn’t understand the nuance of this chef-inspired masterpiece. He’d be happier… I guarantee you, he’d be happier with a banana I smushed with my foot. [audience laughing] He could see me do it, and he would just go: Ah. He’d go, “Babana?” I’m like, “That’s right, buddy. Babana.” He’d rub a bunch of it in his face, and get a bit in his mouth. And be cute as fuck. Kids are cute. They’re cute. I’ll give you that, if you have kids. You got kids? You look like you do. You don’t have kids? How old are you? – [man] Thirty. – Whoa, you look horrible for 30. [audience laughs] I thought you were like 57, man. That’s crazy. It’s the gray hair on the sides. Damn. They’re cute sometimes, kids. And then they’re instantly not cute. Ever see them run around playing, having a good time, then shit their pants. They just shit themselves. Everyone has to act like that’s normal. It’s not. The smell is of shit. I don’t care how young they are, that shit smell is still a shit smell. The problem is when they shit themselves, they have no gravity to them. They don’t like feel it at all. They’re like: [giggles] [giggles] It’s like… Right? It’s gonna come out of your pants, man. Don’t get me wrong. I shit myself. I drink. Obviously, I shit myself. But I do it every two years, you know. And when I do it, it registers as having shit myself. I don’t just keep going. I tell my friends: “I think I left the oven on or something. I’ve got to go check that out. Sorry, you guys. I don’t mean to cancel our plans.” I shit myself this year, to be honest. Yeah. When I say every two years, I mean a maximum of two years goes by. I don’t mean an average. I mean the most that has ever gone by is two years. [chuckles] Yeah, it was in April. For sure, I know when it was. ‘Cause I was on a flight. I was going to Australia. I shit… Yeah, is there a good time to shit yourself? Are you ever like, “Wish I could shit myself and get it out of the way.” Yeah, it was a 13-hour-long flight. I was six hours into it, and, uh, I went to pee. You ever pee and then fart a little? That’s normal. Everybody does that. Do girls do that? No? Oh… You’re missing out. You’ve got to do that. With girls, it’s even better because you clog it up. So, like, it would make like that tuba sound. You could like move your leg and… Kind of like Miles Davis with the with the cup, you know, and the tuba. You’d be like… [imitating tuba playing] You know? So, I was doing that, I was peeing and farting. Then all of a sudden I was like, “Whoop. Oop.” [audience chuckles] But I was like, “No, no, it was just a bubble.” I didn’t want to believe it. And then I went back to my seat. I was sitting by the window, so I had to make people get up. “Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry. Stand up. Sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me.” Then I sat down. As soon as I sat down I was like, “Ahh. That’s a problem.” The smush happened. Once the smush happens, you can really feel it. Yeah, I was like, “Fuck. Get back up. Get back up. We’re not done. Get back up. I thought I was done. I’m not done. Sorry. Get back up. Get back up.” I had to run to the bathroom. Fucking streaker right down the middle of my underwear. Yeah. It was about that wide and about that long. It looked like a map of the country of Chile. [audience laughs] Like a topographical map of Chile. With the mountain ranges and everything. I caught it. It didn’t soak through. But the underwear, the underwear could not be saved. I had to throw out my underwear in the trash can of the airplane bathroom. Yeah, I took care of it myself, like a grownup. I handled the situation. Maybe if I was in first class, I could have been like: “Hey, peasant. Fucking deal with this for me.” But not in coach. You have to handle it yourself. You know what it’s like to have to smush that underwear into that little fucking hole in the airplane bathroom trash can? I was about to leave the bathroom. Then I was like: “Wait, hold on.” Right before I left, I took paper towels. I put them on top of the underwear in the trash, just to cover it up a bit. I didn’t want the next guy coming. I know what I would do. If I threw something out, and I saw soiled underwear in the top level of the trash, my first thought would be… “Who did I just pass?” [audience laughs] I would spend the next seven hours just going up and down the aisles, just trying to, like, jog my memory. Until I’m like, “Ah, ha, ha! You did it. I know. I know what you did.” [cackles] Yeah, you got to cover it up. It’s like if you kill a kid in the woods, you’ve got to kick leaves on top of him. [audience chuckles] Fucking pregnant off a Tinder date. She told the guy, too. She wasn’t going to. That was her plan. She was gonna do it by herself. She was like, “I barely know his last name.” Which seems fair. Then she had a change of heart after eight months. Yeah, eight months and a week. She goes, “Ari, he has a right to know.” And I’m like, “Yeah, a long time ago.” [audience laughs] I feel like now he has the right to never know. So, she told him. She met him in a park. This is what she said, her official quote. She said he got “kind of weird about it.” Oh, yeah? Did he? Did he get a little bit weird? He got a little weird when he found out he’s gonna be a father next Tuesday? [audience laughs] He wasn’t chillaxed at that news? How did you want him to handle it? From the guy’s point of view, what a gigantic change from what you expect out of that phone call… to what you end up with out of that meeting. If I get a call from a woman I haven’t seen in months, my very first thought, same as any guy in here, our very first thought is like, “Well, she wants that D. [audience laughs] I guess it’s better than I thought it was. I must have good dick. She must have been thinking about it this whole time. She probably can’t concentrate at church, or at work, around her friends. She just keeps thinking about that dick, that dick, that dick. Yeah, it’s addictive, man. I get it.” Her friends are like, “Where’d you go? You disappeared.” “Yeah. Thinking about that D.” Eventually, couldn’t take it anymore. You know, she got weak. She fell to the hunger. [audience laughs] She broke down. She called. And you know what? She’s gonna get that D. That’s my mindset, if I walked into the park thinking that, I’m all happy, you know? And then I saw that? I would do a quick check of the seasons. I’d be… [laughs] No. Fucking… Game over. How’s that for not weird? Enjoy picking up my brain matter. Some people should have kids. I shit on kids too much, parenthood. Some people should have children. Here’s how you tell. I’ve come up with a way to tell whether you should be a parent. The reaction of your friends when you tell them you’re gonna have a kid. That’s how you know whether or not you should do it. You know? ‘Cause there are two polar opposite ways that can happen. Say you’re married, on one side, you’re married. You’ve been with a woman for a while. You’re doing better financially. You discuss, want to have a kid. You try. You get pregnant, tell your friends, “Samantha’s pregnant.” Your friends are like: “Fuck yeah, man. Congratulations. I’m so happy for you. That’s so cool.” That’s one side. [audience laughs] If that’s you, go for it. You’ve got my blessing. The other half of your friends, they’ve been dating someone for a while. They tell their friends, “Hey, Margaret’s pregnant.” And everybody goes, “Fuck. Oh, no. What are you gonna do? Have you thought about killing her? Don’t do it. I watch those cop shows. DNA is too good now, man. One hair. One hair, they’ll get you. Hire somebody if you’ve got to do it.” For those people, for the people getting pregnant off Tinder dates, abortion is not just a right, it’s a responsibility. [audience chuckling] They don’t always do it though. My friend Luis Gomez is one of those. Comedian in New York. Got his girlfriend pregnant. Dating for two months. I was like, “What are you gonna do?” By the way, nobody asks a married couple, “What are you gonna do?” [audience chuckles] That is never a question posed to a married couple. I was going, “What are you gonna do?” He goes, “I don’t know. I’ve thought about running away. [audience laughs] But I don’t have money for gas, so I guess we’re gonna move in together.” Fuck. There’s no in between on run away… or move in together? Seems like a giant unexplored territory in the middle there. He’s like, “What do you mean?” “How many months pregnant?” He was like, “Two.” I’m like, “Well, then you still have the receipt.” [audience laughing] “For a small restocking fee, you can return this.” [audience laughing] “What are you talking about?” “I’m talking abortion. I mean abortion.” He had the kid. By the way, here’s a tip for you guys for life. If you tell your friends to get an abortion, advise them to get an abortion, and then they do not get an abortion… they won’t forget that you told them to get an abortion. Yeah, they hold onto that real hard. Every time I see Luis and his kid at a barbecue, he’s like holding him, and I come in. He goes: “Oh, there’s your Uncle Ari. He told us to get rid of you.” “Dude, stop saying that. It was funny for a year, but he’s 7 now. He’s mad at me. He’s giving me this sign every time I see him. Stop.” [audience chuckling] Hey, do you guys…? Let me ask you a question. You guys all have jobs, right? Or you’ve had jobs in the past at least? Ever do your job on autopilot? Not thinking about it? Just going through the motions? You know, then if you’re in a good mood, you sing, or hum, or whistle? Whistle while you work, that’s a thing. Everybody does that. Whistle while you work. [audience member whistles] Yeah. Very good, you know what a whistle is. [audience chuckles] Do you think…? Do you think abortion doctors whistle while they work? [audience laughing] I think they must. Not every day. Obviously, not every day. But I mean like Friday, 4:30. They must be like: ♪ Everybody’s working for the weekend ♪ ♪ Everybody’s got to… ♪ Is that how abortions are done? I don’t know. I’ve never seen one. I have waited in the car before, but I’ve never been in there. I assume you reach in and grab the fetus, then basketball shot it into a trash can. If you miss, a nurse kicks it out for three. “Curry, downtown.” No? Is that not how it’s done? All right. At this point I would like to say thank you for all the women in here, especially the moms, for not turning on me horribly. ‘Cause, yeah, when I lose a crowd, it’s always moms. Women who are like, “Fuck you. I hope you never have a kid.” “I know. Me, too. We’re on the same page.” So, thank you, women, for holding it together. Women get a bad rap sometimes. Not all the time. Not all the time, but sometimes. “Women are crazy.” You ever hear that? Hear it all the time, I don’t think so. I read this article online about women’s hormones. This is what it said. Women, in your brains, you have 40 percent more hormones than men have. Forty percent more. Yeah. And that’s not period time. That’s non-period time. I don’t know what happens during the period. All hell breaks loose. Not talking that. We’re talking three and a half weeks a month. Whatever men have, our top level, women, 40 percent on top of that. Just: [imitates gunfire] Just shit popping off in there that men have no concept of whatsoever. Our thing is here, and you’ve got, “Pew, pew. Feelings, feelings, emotions. Pew.” Men call you crazy. ‘Cause what? ‘Cause why? ‘Cause once every two weeks, you go, “Fuck you,” out of nowhere? [audience chuckles] With 40 percent more, those are great odds. With 40 percent more, minimum three days a week, we should wake up with you over us with scissors just going, “Not today.” And just fucking bounding off. So, congratulations, women, on being shockingly un-crazy. I know men who if they get less than six hours of sleep, and you cut them off in traffic, they’ll follow you to where you work and threaten your life. I’ll take a “fuck you” once in a while. It’s okay. My brother’s one of those guys who brings his kid everywhere. So disappointing when you realize that your family is capable of that. My brother lives in Europe now. ‘Cause he didn’t know “taxes” applied to him. That’s what he said. [chuckles] “Those are for everybody?” “Yeah, man. Those are for everybody.” So, he just never paid them. He owes like $200,000 to the government. Yeah, it got out of control. Eventually he was like, “I’m sorry. I’ll just leave.” [audience chuckles] I feel bad staying with you when I owe you all this money, so I’m gonna get out of here. You’re never gonna see that fucking money, so I’m gonna get out.” He lives in Europe. It turns out Europe is almost the same as America. Basically no difference anymore. They have everything we have. Little differences. There are little differences. He said you’ve got to type in PornHub.uk. [audience chuckles] But you cope, you learn to cope. It’s just different porn. [in British accent] “Stick it in me arse.” [audience chuckles] [in normal voice] Is that a pirate? What did I just do? What accent was that? Was that England? I was trying to do England. I don’t think I got it. I was gonna be in Denmark for some comedy festival. They flew me to Denmark which is pretty cool. My brother called, “While you’re in Europe, let’s do something.” “Sure. What do you want to do?” Looked at his calendar, Oktoberfest was right then. “You want to go to Oktoberfest?” I was like, “Fuck yeah.” Two Jews sneaking back into Germany? Let’s take back the night. You know, let’s piss on Hitler’s grave. Yeah. But he goes, “I don’t think they have a Hitler’s grave.” I’m just gonna piss everywhere, and if I hit it, I hit it. [audience laughs] I did, too. I pissed everywhere in Germany. I pissed outside like 25 times. All the time. You can’t get in trouble. If you’re a Jew, you can’t get in trouble for little shit like that. You’ve got to do something really wrong. Got to steal a car or worse. They’ll let you go for little stuff. ‘Cause of what happened before. [audience laughs] They still feel guilty about it, I guess. If you don’t know, it was like a disagreement we had. [audience laughs] We lost. I mean, obviously, we lost. But they way overreacted, so… All right, no more Holocaust jokes. So, anyway, so I took the train into Germany, right? That’s a change. Last one. That was it, you guys. That’s it. No more. No more. Come on. You can’t laugh at shit like that. That’s not cool. It’s not cool. And my brother met me, took his car. We met at the train station. We’re both jumping, “Shaffir boys, we’re doing this. Oktoberfest.” So excited. And then his back door opens up. And you just hear, “Ahh! No! I don’t want to! I don’t want to!” He brought his 4-year-old kid to Oktoberfest. I was like, “Are you kidding me right now?” “Did you not want me to bring him?” “Yes. You read my tone correctly. I did not want you to bring him.” He said what parents say when they know they fucked up. “Well, you should have said something. If you didn’t want me to bring him, should’ve said something.” “Why would I have to tell you that? I don’t have to tell you that. I didn’t tell you not to bring anthrax. You knew that on your own. I shouldn’t have to tell you not to bring a kid to a beer festival. He’s like, “Why?” He got indignant. That’s what parents do. “Why shouldn’t he be here right now?” I’m like, “Uh, because I plan on getting really drunk. And I question his tolerance. [audience laughs] The way I see it, he’ll be the first one to barf every night. He just barfed. He already barfed for no reason. So, how is that gonna be?” He tried to sell me on him. “Ari, come on. He’s really smart for his age.” All right, but he’s really stupid for my age. [audience chuckles] And I’m not at his kindergarten, he’s at my beer festival. [audience laughing] For me, he’s illiterate. That’s not smart. I’m sorry. You’re not gonna sell me on an illiterate person being smart. Pregnant off a Tinder date. Anybody here not know what Tinder is? You all know. Or no one’s gonna say? My grandmother, she asked me: “What’s a Tinder?” And I’m like, “It’s not ‘a’ anything.” How do you explain to a 94-year-old woman what Tinder is? She goes, “I don’t know anything.” And I was like, “All right, well…” Uh… [chuckles] I was like, “There was once a great man named Steve Jobs. [audience laughs] And he took the power of computers, and he put it in everybody’s hands. At all times, we had access to information, right in the palm of our hands. It was an amazing time in human development. Truly, it really was. And then within seven years, we were using that to fuck.” [audience laughs] Yeah. Gay people figured it out in two years. [audience laughs] They were way ahead of the curve. “All gay scientists, put down what you’re doing. Figure this out. We don’t need to transfer information. Fucking, let’s fuck.” And then my friend got pregnant off one of those. They bother me too much, parents. Sometimes the problem is the videos. The iPhone 6 and 7 now. Makes everyone think they’re a videographer. They’re not. They have shitty videos. Not the quality. The quality’s amazing. The subject matter is the issue. They think everything they record is worthy of showing people. But there’s a delete button there. Use that delete button. Every time my sisters and brothers show me videos, any of my friends, “Look at a video of my kid.” I feel like I’m Dexter, and I have to fake the emotion, of what a normal person with feelings would do in that situation. I’m always like, “Cute? How do you do this?” [audience laughs] It’s just the dumbest. “He’s walking.” “Yeah, well, they all do that. That’s not… ” I can go on YouTube now, see a video of a 5-year-old hitting a golf ball 215 yards. You’re showing me walking? Fuck you. Your child is unimpressive.” “Look, he said ‘Dada.'” “Well, that’s not the right way to say that word. Congratulations. You videotaped a mistake. I’m sure he’ll be very embarrassed.” They’re just annoying. Like you ever see this? Who’s got kids here? How many people have kids here? A few of you. How old are your kids? – [woman] Five. – Five. Five years old. One. – You stopped after that? – [woman] Yeah. Okay, good for you. Not chasing the dragon like a lot of people. “Maybe that eighth one will be good.” [audience laughs] Does your kid ever do this where they’re playing? They’re on the ground playing, having a good time. They fall. Like, “No big deal.” They get up and keep playing. But if anybody’s watching, they’re like, “Oh, you saw that? Okay, it’s gonna get really bad for you right now. But I just want you to know, you did this to yourself.” They start crying. But don’t really cry ’cause they’re not really hurt. They do their impression of what they remember a cry sounds like. From memory. They’re not good. They’re not actors, never took classes. They don’t know how to do it. They fall and go… [moaning] “Dude, you’re doing ghost. You’re not doing crying.” They’re not upset. They think they can get upset. So, they try to make themselves get upset. They’re like feminist bloggers. [audience laughing] Nobody feels less joy than a feminist blogger. Like, “Fuck you. I hate you. You suck.” “Why are you so upset? It’s a nice day out.” “Shut up, man. Don’t tell me how to feel.” [audience laughing] Parents don’t wake up the same way non-parents wake up. I think I’d be okay with it, too, if parents gave me an honest account… of what parenthood was like. A lot of parents say, “It’s a beautiful blessing every second of every day. It’s always a beautiful blessing, every single second.” I’m like, “Every single second? Then why are the bags under your eyes twitching? They’re that low, and they’re fucking twitching. They’re about to pop.” My friend has kids. My friend Avi has two kids, 4 and 7. Here’s how he wakes up in the morning. How parents wake up. Okay? On Sunday, the alarm goes off. He’s sleeping peacefully, right? The alarm goes off. As soon as it goes off. “Get up, move! Brush your teeth! Clothes. Food. Go. Move. Now! Go. Go. Go!” It’s fucking Afghanistan, and bombs are dropping every single day. You sleep with your boots on. How do you live like that? Not single people, man. That’s not how we wake up at all. No kids? Here’s how I wake up on a Sunday. First of all, no alarm clock. Just whenever it happens. [audience applauds] Whenever the fates shall deem it time. Yeah. You’re sleeping peacefully, right? After a while, you’re just kind of like… [audience laughing] Remember that, parents? Remember going back to bed? Remember those days? Remember that two-hour blink? [audience laughs] Where you look at your clock like, “9:30? Okay… 11:15? How did that just happen? Am I a time traveler? What just happened there? I don’t think I can… 12:45? What is happening right now? Can I take a…? 2:00, there it is.” Remember sleeping so much that you physically cannot sleep anymore? Where you’re laying there… You try. It doesn’t stop you from trying. But you lay there with your eyes closed for like 45 minutes. You’re like, “No, this is not going down. Doing everything in my power to make this happen. It’s not happening, so I may as well get up. The sun’s going down. I should probably get Vitamin D before I commit suicide.” This is one thing parents get me on. They’re like, “Well, don’t you get lonely? Don’t you get lonely without children?” And I’m like, “Oh, yeah. A deep, deep loneliness that you could never even ever experience. It’s a fucking vast emptiness that goes on for a millennium. It’s super lonely. Yeah. But then I call my friends, and I’m way less lonely. That helps.” There’s something to be said for having cute things around. You get it. It fills a void that your friends can’t fill. I have nieces and nephews. When they’re around, it fills that void, you know? It’s great to play with them and teach stuff. But I don’t live in the same city as them. When I’m not in their city, what do I do? I go to parks and play with randoms, but… [audience laughing] Parents frown on that. Parents are always like, “Get away from my child.” I’m like “I’m not a child molester.” But if you bring up child molestation, that’s all they think about. So, what do you do? How do single people fill that void? Dogs. That’s how we do it. You see any single person over 30 around a dog, they get weird. I love dogs. I’ll lick a dog in his mouth, you guys. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll give him tongue. If he’s good, he wants that tongue. If he’s a good boy, he’s getting that tongue. I’ll get in there like, “Are you a good boy? [grunting] You’re a good boy.” Yeah, owners look at me weird. “Aren’t you afraid of getting a disease?” And I’m like, “Yeah, depression.” [audience laughs] Please, let me have this. [audience cheers and applauds] So, Nicole had her baby. Yeah, the Tinder lady. She did not name it Tinderthy like I suggested. I suggested Tinderthy for a boy, and for a girl, I said Con-swipe-a. [audience laughing] For ethnic flavor, you know? A little bit. [gasping] Fucking garbage. [audience laughing] She had her baby. She said her life wasn’t gonna change. She was living in Brooklyn, New York. And now she lives in Arkansas. What city in Arkansas, did someone ask? Because there are some cool cities in Arkansas? No. Nobody asked. There’s no cool cities in Arkansas. You guys ever know anybody that definitely should get an abortion? You look at them and you’re like, “You’re the reason this is legal.” For this case right now is the only reason anyone’s allowed to do it. Sometimes they get an abortion, sometimes they don’t. What’s the reason they always give when they don’t get an abortion? When everyone in the world knows they should get an abortion. They’re like, “I know I should get an abortion, but I can’t because… ” – [man] Jesus. – Jesus. Yeah, God. It’s always Jesus. That’s what they point to. “I can’t have an abortion. Religion.” That’s what Nicole said. “I can’t have an abortion. Religion.” “But where was religion when you were fucking behind the Roxy nightclub?” [audience chuckles] I don’t understand. Was Jesus back there? Was Jesus slapping the condom off the guy? Going, “No, that’s an abomination. You can’t. No, that’s an abomination. You fuck raw dog behind this Dumpster or don’t fuck at all. So sayeth the Lord.” [audience laughing] It doesn’t work, by the way. Just so you know, logically. Religion doesn’t work as a reason. You don’t have to have an abortion. But you can’t point to religion as the reason not to. It doesn’t work. I’ve studied religion for a long time. Yeah. I used to be like… One of those. [audience laughing] Yeah. For this side over there, there you go. Yeah, so I know a lot about it. Here’s the deal why it doesn’t work. There’s only one way you go straight to heaven. Especially in Christianity. The only way you go straight to heaven, I mean, no purgatory, no hell, straight to heaven, the only way to do that is if you die without sin. And the only way to die without sin is if you get aborted before you get a chance to be born. So… if you love Jesus, and you love your baby… [audience laughing] you should send him to heaven. [audience cheering] I’m just trying to spread the gospel, you guys. That’s all I’m about here today. Thank you very much, everybody. That’s it for me. [audience cheering] You guys have been a phenomenal crowd. You guys are absolutely awesome. [♪♪♪]

Adulthood

Yes. You guys did it. All right. Very nice. We’re all living our lives, everybody. You get one, too. Here’s the deal. Before I start, let me say this. I will tell you, I was listening to a Biggie Smalls song recently. Yeah, I don’t… I don’t think it was a new one. And, um… Whatever happened to that guy? He got so lazy. The name of the song was called “Juicy.” You guys remember? It’s a good song. It starts… Like a lot of ’90s hip-hop, it starts the same way. It starts with a dedication in the beginning. He doesn’t start rapping right away. The beat comes in, before he starts rapping Biggie Smalls goes: “This song is dedicated to all the teachers who told me I would never amount to nothing.” All right. What school district did Biggie Smalls go to school in? Because that is a horrible teacher. Let’s forget about the double negative for a second and just get to the overall message. I can’t imagine a worse thing a teacher could do than to go up to a… Well, outside of a Catholic school, outside of a Catholic school. I cannot imagine one worse thing a teacher could do than to go up to a kid and just be like, “Hi, how are you? Oh, you’re so cute. Did you know… that you will never amount to nothing? All right, enjoy kindergarten. Life is meaningless.” That’s a bad teacher. That’s a really bad teacher. Here’s the problem, though. That was not the only teacher who said that to him. Yeah. If that was the only teacher who said it, Biggie Smalls would not have said: “To all the teachers who told me I would never amount to nothing.” He would’ve said, “To the teacher who told me I would never amount to nothing.” Or, “To Mrs. Johnson, this fucking bitch. Wait till you hear what she did to me.” He said “To all the… ” That means it wasn’t even two teachers. If it was two, he would’ve said “both.” He said, “all.” “To all the teachers who told me I would never amount to… ” That means there were at least three different teachers… who went up to a young Biggie Smalls… just to be like, “Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. Smalls, um… We’ve all been talking in the teacher’s lounge. And we just want you to know, you’re not gonna go anywhere in life.” Yeah, rude. He was probably pretty upset by that. He was probably like, “Why not?” And they were probably like, “Your grades are terrible. You’re only good at poetry. What are you gonna do with that?” Biggie Smalls didn’t listen to them. He ignored them. He was able to overcome it and become probably one of the greatest rappers of all time. Yeah, he’s not here. Don’t worry about. Hmm. With that in mind… this set is dedicated… to the guidance counselors at the Hebrew Academy of Greater Washington… for always telling me to apply myself. Yeah, I also ignored them. And that’s why Ari’s not a lawyer. I was smart. When I was little, I was legitimately smart. I really was, I really was. And then I smoked pot, like, a couple times a day for 15 years, and, uh… And now I forgot to write the end of that joke. My friend told me… My friend broke up with his girlfriend. He told me he texted her like a week later. Texted her and told her that she needs to get tested for herpes. Yeah, and I was like, “Dude, that’s a phone call.” I know we live in a texting society, but there’s certain moments you gotta hear a voice. You know what I mean? You can’t get some texts. You can’t get a text that says, “Come identify this body.” You’ll be like, “New phone, who is this? I don’t have you in my contacts.” You know? There’s certain moments where a text won’t do. The STD call, that’s one of those times. I get it. It’s a hard phone call to make. I understand. I’ve been there. I’ve made that phone call. Yeah, it’s difficult. You gotta do it. You gotta keep calling exes until you’ve reached the head vampire. And then… And then you can stop calling. I hope you guys never have to make that call. I really do, I really do. But if you ever do, here’s my suggestion. Make a fun game out of it. Yeah, entertain yourself, ’cause they’re not gonna be entertained. So, someone may as well get some joy out of it. I called this woman. She was like: “Ari, what’s up? I haven’t talked to you in two weeks. How are you? I’m happy to hear from you.” And I was like, “Uh, don’t be so excited.” I was like, “I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news.” And she was like, “Oh, fun. Okay.” She was like, “What’s the good news?” I was like, “Well… the good news… is that… chlamydia… is one of the most easily curable diseases… that anyone could ever get.” And she was like, “Yeah, I mean, I guess that’s good news.” She was like, “What’s… What’s the bad news?” And I was like, “Do you really not know what the bad news is? Think about it. You’ll get it. No, I mean, I talked to my doctor. You will get it. There’s no way around that. Get treated, not tested. For sure you have it.” Has anybody in here ever had chlamydia before? By a round of applause. One guy. A few of you. Of course, Texas. Wait, is it just one person? I raised my hand twice. All right, you’ve had it twice. “I raised my hand twice.” Well, you’re the expert, man. I guess. You’re the new expert. It’s curable, right? – Yeah. – Yeah, it goes away. It obviously goes away. – Shot in the ass. – Shot in the ass. Well, they gave me pills. You might still have chlamydia. I don’t know. But they gave me pills. Yeah, yeah, it’s different ways to take it, for sure. You’re all right. And then it goes away forever. Or until you fuck someone else with chlamydia. Then it’s right back. – You gave it to them back? – It was the same person. – You gave it to her and she gave it back? – Yeah. Wow, such a family. You guys should get married. What a lovely, romantic story that is. It’s antibiotics and it’s gone. Sometimes they’ll give pills. And if it’s pills, it’s either two days or four days or at maximum ten days of pills and then gone forever. It’s the “I’ll let you off with a warning” of STDs. Every patient whose doctor tells them they have chlamydia goes: “Yes, officer, I’ll never speed again. I apologize.” It could’ve been a lot worse. By the way, to catch you guys up, black people in here, when I say, “I’ll let you off with a warning,” that’s a white term. Uh… That’s, uh… something that happens once in a while when a cop pulls you over and instead of, uh, giving you a ticket or shooting you, they’ll be like, “Ah, get out of here.” It’s awesome. White privilege, you guys, it’s awesome. But at worst, ten days of pills, then gone. You can handle that, right? You could deal with that, too. Ten days of pills. You can say you lost your prescription, get double, put the rest in her drink. Never have to have that talk. Here’s what it means for humanity. Here’s what “ten days of pills, then gone” means for humanity. That means… if everyone in the world with chlamydia could just stop fucking for ten days… there would be no more chlamydia. But the people of Earth are like, “Well, we don’t accept those terms. That’s just too difficult. We’ll give you eight days and chance it. The best we can do for you.” Ever think you have something ’cause you had sex once in the last three months, you got one itch and you’re like: “Yeah, I’ve got everything that’s ever existed. What’s that itch about? What’s that itch if I don’t have everything? My dick’s gonna fall off.” Sucks. You self-diagnose. You ever do that? Where you’re like, “It’s this or this.” Never ask your guy friends, by the way. Never ask male friends for help on what it is. I was like, “I got this like… ” “AIDS, you have AIDS for sure.” “I haven’t told you the symptoms,” “I can look at you, AIDS-y. For sure you have AIDS.” One time… One time, I thought I had herpes. I was positive I did. It was like ten years ago. I mean, I was sure. It was… Okay, it ended up being a cut on my dick. I’ll tell you how I got it later, but… But I will tell you, if you Google-Image- Search the words “cut on your dick”… a lot of herpes pictures come up. So, I was positive I had it. I had to call this woman and be like, “Hey, uh… bad news, bad news. Yeah, you got the worst one.” And, uh, she was not happy about it. I went to a doctor to get tested and the doctor was like: “No, you don’t… You don’t have herpes.” And I was like, “Are you sure?” And he goes, “I mean, you wanna do best two out of three?” And I was like, “Yeah, run it back, man. Run it back.” He’s like, “You don’t have herpes.” I was like, “What is it?” And he goes, “You have a tear of the penile membrane.” Yeah, it sounds worse, right? I was like, “What that’s? What’s a tear of the penile membrane?” And he goes, “It means you have a cut on your dick.” I was like, “How’d I get a cut?” He goes, “I don’t know. It’s not my dick. That’s not how this works. I’m not a fortune teller. I just diagnose people. If you had a broken leg, I’m not like, ‘Basketball?’ I just tell you it’s broken. I’m not a fucking wizard. I have no idea. I don’t know how you think this works. What, have you been masturbating harder than normal? I don’t know.” I go, “Same as always.” He goes, “Think about it.” I was like, “Okay.” He goes, “Sit here and think and I will be back in ten minutes.” He visited other patients and came back, and goes: “Did you figure it out?” I was like, “I think I did, man.” I think I did. It was about a month before that. Yeah, right about when I noticed the cut. I had, uh… I had anal sex. Uh, giving. I wasn’t taking it. I was like, “I hate myself. Why do I always fall into these traps? Cut, cut, punish.” Yeah, no, I was dishing it out, and, uh… I ask him “Could it be that?” He goes, “Yes, absolutely, it could be that.” I was like, “All right.” He goes, “Did you use lubrication? Did you use lube?” And I was like, “No, I did not. Should I have?” He goes, “Yes, absolutely, you should’ve used lube when you had anal sex.” I said, “Is that a medical thing?” And he goes, “No, I’m just a guy and I’m telling you. Don’t stick your raw dick into someone’s asshole, you fucking animal. The fuck is wrong with you? I knew that before medical school. Jesus Christ, dude.” I was like, “All right.” So, he gave me some antiseptic cream, some Neosporin. He said, “Put that on.” I said, “All right.” He goes, “That’s not for lube.” And I’m like, “I know it’s not for lube.” I didn’t know. I didn’t know. I thought it was. I really thought it was. I really did. I acted like I knew, but I didn’t know. I thought he was just giving me like one dose of lube. I thought he was a cool doctor. I thought he was like, “Next time, try that.” I went home, you know, and I was all happy about it. No herpes. It was the first time in my life I didn’t take for granted not having herpes. Every other moment, I never thought about it. We all take it for granted, right? Or three out of four of us take it for granted. The other one out of four’s like, “I remember when I didn’t have herpes. Wish I still didn’t have it.” I was all happy. Everywhere I went it was like rose-colored glasses, you know? Everything bad that happened to me didn’t really matter ’cause I didn’t have herpes. I went to Star Wars Episode I first weekend, opening Saturday night. I was like, “Two tickets to Star Wars.” And they were like, “Are you out of your mind? This has been sold out for four months.” The guy’s like, “I’m sorry.” I’m like, “No big deal. I don’t have herpes. I’ll just go see The Notebook and still not have herpes.” And then I realize I gotta call that woman back. There’s someone that thinks they have herpes and doesn’t, so, I had to call. Here’s how she answered the phone when I called: “What do you want?” You know, she was still upset about the last conversation, you know? Didn’t really go her way. I was like, “Good news, I have good news.” “What?” I said, “You don’t have herpes.” She was like, “Really?” I was like, “I don’t know. You might. I don’t know who else you’re fucking, but I for sure don’t have it.” She’s like, “What was it?” I was like, “Just a cut on my dick.” And man, we laughed about that. I was like, “I can’t believe it.” She goes, “How’d you cut your dick?” I was like, “Eh, don’t worry about it. No big deal.” I guess what happened was, the way the doctor explained it: you guys ever take a cork out of a bottle of wine? And if you don’t take it straight out, but if you take it like a little bit at an angle, sometimes the cork can break. All right, I don’t wanna get into specifics with you guys, but… Here’s… Here’s the one thing I came away with, that whole thing, that Neosporin would be the worst lube to use for anal sex. That’s the only thing I took out of it. It’d feel good while you’re doing it. But here’s the problem, when you’re done, your butthole would just like… seal up. It would just heal away until you have no butthole. You’d be buttless. You guys know how science works? Understand how science works? That’s what would happen. You guys are gonna look up, “Would Neosporin make your butthole go away?” Trust me, you don’t have to look it up. I’ve been to a few countries this year, actually. I went to Amsterdam last year. You guys been there? Did you smoke pot? Did you smoke pot while you were there? What else are you gonna do, go to museums? Kill yourself. There’s no reason to do that. You can see all of Van Gogh’s works on the Internet. There’s no reason to go to Amsterdam for that. But there’s legal marijuana. Fully legal marijuana, yeah. Yeah, it’s awesome. At coffee shops, right? They’re called coffee shops. They serve coffee? Yeah, no, they don’t serve coffee. That’s the weird thing. I don’t know why they’re called coffee shops. I don’t know where you buy coffee in Amsterdam, to be honest. Coffee might be illegal in Amsterdam. Maybe you gotta go to one of those fake L.A.-style doctors and be like, “Doctor, I’m having trouble waking up in the morning. Can I get some Ethiopian blend or something?” What’d you guys think of the weed? – Yes. – Yeah, oh, yeah. No, it was so-so, to be honest. Yeah. Oh, you’re used to Texas fucking Odessa weed. That’s the problem. The shit you bring in from Mexico. You’re not supposed to sell weed by the brick. That’s when you know it’s bad weed. “How many bricks do you want?” “Bricks? What are you talking about? Eighths, man, eighths.” It was good, but it just wasn’t the best. It was like B-plus, A-minus weed. Yeah, and I smoke pot everywhere, you guys. I smoke pot all over the world. Yeah, that’s what I do. That’s how I prove I’m a free American. Yeah. You know who has the worst weed? The worst weed in the world? Australia. By far the worst. I’m telling you, I’ve smoked everywhere. I smoked pot in the streets of Shanghai, where it’s punishable by death. I was rolling a joint and my friend said, “They’ll fucking kill you. Are you crazy?” And I was like, “Well, now I need it more than ever. I’m fucking nervous. My God, you turned this medicinal. It was crazy what you just did.” I was in Australia and I was drinking. I had like two or three beers. Somebody said, “Can I buy you a beer?” I was like, “I’m getting drunk.” And they were like, “Oh, you fucking pussy. You can’t handle your alcohol. Fucking pussy.” They kept saying it and I said, “Light up one of your dirt joints right now. And I will smoke this whole country under the table. I will go hit for hit with every citizen in Australia and I will bury all of you.” Yeah, the Amsterdam weed was good, though. It just wasn’t the best. My friend’s like, “You didn’t try the right place.” I’m like, “I tried all the places. I was very thorough in my investigation.” Here’s how I proved it. I went to every coffee shop. I strutted to the front and I was like: “Hey, hey, hey, sell me your strongest weed or America wins again.” But I wore, like, a cowboy hat and Confederate-flag suspenders, big Mickey Mouse belt buckle. Like, they hated me. They wanted to prove it, you know? This one guy went to a bottom drawer. Two guys had to turn a key at the same time. This drawer opens up and dry ice came out of it. And he held up this nug and he was like, “Smoke that. It’s the last of Hitler’s reserves. If he didn’t kill you, this will.” I smoked. He’s like, “What do you think?” And I was like, “It’ll do.” You guys wanna hear the worst side effect of marijuana? Yeah, they don’t tell you about this in the D.A.R.E. program. They always lie. All those outreach programs, they lie a bit to, like, try to convince kids, but kids see through it, so, then they, like, don’t hear the message at all. They’re like, “If you smoke pot, you’re gonna end up living in your grandmother’s basement.” I’m always like, “Uh, that’s a wonderful thing to do.” If you live and take care of your elderly grandmother, that’s an amazing, charitable way to live your life. You’re a way better person than me. That is not a side effect of marijuana. Absolutely not. Here’s the worst side effect of marijuana. It’s when you watch 44 minutes of an episode of Law and Order before you realize you’ve seen it nine times before. That’s real shit that could happen to you, and it’s not a good feeling when you realize how many times you’ve wasted that much time. If you’re high when you’re watching, it’s more of a betrayal ’cause you get way into it. You know, I’m always watching high, I’m like, “This fucking judge. He threw out the evidence. They’re never gonna get this motherfucker now. He’ll be on the beach with his wife sipping Mai Tais and laughing at the justice system. Oh, fuck, his wife tricks him. Goddamn it, I remember this.” Did you go to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam? – Yeah! – I went, too. I didn’t know it was there. Yes. I mean, I knew if you quizzed me, but I didn’t really know, you know? If you… I knew it was in Europe. Me and my friend were going to the Heineken factory. Heineken’s based in Amsterdam. We were headed there and then we like walked by it, and I was like, “Oh, fuck, the Anne Frank House.” It was super easy to find. I do not know what took the Germans so long. It was fucking… It’s fucking right there. They could not have been… They were not looking. For sure they were not looking. That is not the well-oiled machine they would have you believe. It was right on the waterfront. I mean, whatever, but… It was this house where Anne Frank lived for a little while. You guys, it’s about to get so much worse, so… If you’re gonna turn on me on that tagline of a joke, you’re in for a bad seven minutes. I saw it and I told my friend, “I think I gotta go in here.” And he’s like, “To the Anne Frank House?” He was like, “Why? This seems like a downer.” I’m like, “For sure it’s gonna be a downer.” I don’t think there’s any good rides at the Anne Frank House. Not like the Heineken factory. The Heineken factory has a Heineken boat. Yeah, and it goes down a river of Heineken through the whole warehouse. There’s all these Heineken Oompa Loompas that cheer at you the whole time. Then you find out they’re not Oompa Loompas. They’re children with fetal alcohol syndrome. Yeah. They were yelling, “My mom drank beer!” And you’re like, “She sure did, sport. She sure did. What are you, 32 now? That’s great. Give me a high-two with that claw, all right.” My friend was like, “Why do you have to go in the Anne Frank House?” I’m like, “I’m a Jew, and I don’t think I’m allowed to not to go to the Anne Frank House.” And he was like, “Well, I’m not a Jew, and I don’t wanna go with you.” I’m like, “Yeah, you’re making the right decision.” So, we split up. He went to Heineken, I went to Anne Frank. First we had lunch. Right next to the Anne Frank House there’s this restaurant with really good grilled cheese. Yeah. No joke, just… You don’t have to go to the Anne Frank House, but like right next to the Anne Frank House, check it out. It’s like Anne Frank, right there. It was awesome. It was probably the best grilled-cheese sandwich I’ve ever had. It has five different kinds of cheeses. Mashed tomato. Honestly, guys, do yourself a favor. Check out that grilled-cheese place. Then I went to the Anne Frank house. It was this two-hour tour. They take you through the whole thing. All the floors and rooms. And, uh, he was right. It was a downer. It was not a fun experience in any way. Every time I go to museums like that, I think it’s not gonna get me. Then it does. It always fucking gets me. When I got back to my place in New York, I kept thinking about Anne Frank. I kept thinking about the Anne Frank House and the way she lived, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized… I can already tell you guys are not gonna go with me on this. Anne Frank didn’t live that bad, you guys. You weren’t there. I was there. Don’t believe what the media tells you. It wasn’t that bad at all. Here’s how I know: I got my first place in New York, an apartment in New York. And a girl at the time came over, and she’s like: “Give me the tour of your place.” That’s normal. I was like, “Sure. Okay, well… uh… Uh, all right. Well, there’s the kitchen. It’s pretty much just part of this room, but… That’s where the fridge and the stove are, so, we call that wall the kitchen. Uh, couch is over there. You might see it as a bed, but it’s daytime right now, so, it’s called a couch this hour. Bathroom’s there. If you want to brush your teeth, I suggest sliding the shower door open so you can get full extension. Otherwise you’re gonna have to brush like that. That’s your choice. However you want to play that. And, uh… Yeah. That’s it. Ta-da. That’s the tour. The Anne Frank tour took two hours. She lived so much better than I live. Plus that grilled-cheese place next door? That had to come in handy. During the Holocaust? That’s comfort food, you guys. What better time for comfort food than the Holocaust? She was probably there every day. Every night. Probably every night. Probably not a daytime order for Anne Frank. She was probably like: “Give me a grilled cheese. Come on, hurry up.” It’s grilled enough. Let’s go.” They’d be like, “Is that to go?” “To go, every time! I cannot eat here. Hurry up!” I like to imagine Anne Frank getting upstairs going, “Oh, phew,” with, like, her bag of grilled cheese. Her friends are like, “You brought grilled cheese?” And she’d be like, “Oh, did you guys…? Did you want some? You should have said something. I would have brought you some. What did you eat instead? Oh. Wallpaper glue? Again? They had tater tots. You should have said something. I’d have totally gotten you some.” I can’t wait for my father to hate that joke. I’ve been to a bunch of places this year. I went to Thailand last year, too. Last April. A year ago in April I went to Thailand. It was fun. You guys ever been there? A couple of you? It’s cheap. It’s third world. I mean, it’s so cheap, you guys. You ever go to a country and do conversion math in your head? Like their currency to dollars? I was doing that. I was buying a beer in Thailand, and I was trying to figure out how much it was in dollars. My friend was like, “It’s free. Everything here is free.” You hand them some orange money and they give you beers for five weeks until you leave. And they build a statue in your honor. Everything’s such… And you can bargain, too. Craziest thing. You can bargain over almost anything. I went to buy a shirt once, this shirt I liked, and I asked how much it cost. It was 200 baht. That’s their currency. B-A-H-T. But he didn’t tell me 200 baht. He took out a calculator, and he typed 200 on the calculator, and then he handed me the calculator. And I took it, and I was like… I was like, “Why are we involving this? Are you trying to show me where all the calculators went?” I was like, “Are we bargaining?” So, I just tried something. I was like, “I don’t know.” So, I typed, “Minus 125… equals…” and then I handed him back the calculator. And he took it and he was like, “Puh.” He was like, “Plus 90.” And he gave it back to me. I was like, “Minus 70,” and I gave it back to him. We keep going back and forth like that. That’s what you do. That’s what you do. Until you get some number you can’t live with. You’re like, “I’ll walk. I’ll walk the fuck out of here right now. If you think I’m going 1 baht over 150, you’re out of your goddamn mind!” Then he’s like, “Fine, 150 baht.” “That’s right, motherfucker. I’m no sucker.” And then you realize you’ve been bargaining for ten minutes over 31 cents. Yeah. Thirty-one cents, which he could have used to feed his family on for four days. But you’re like, “Not my problem. First world.” This one’s tough. I, uh… I think I’m a homophobe, you guys. Yeah. I don’t want to be homophobic, but I think I am. My gay friend accused me of being homophobic. Gay Andrew, we call him. That’s not why. That’s got nothing to do with this. He signed off on that nickname. We had two Andrews in my dorm. We had to separate them somehow. So, it was Gay Andrew and Straight Andrew. Or if you got to know them, if you were in the crew, Gandrew and Strandrew. You know what was worse? We had three different guys from China in my dorm named Wei. W-E-I. You know what we called them? Wei One, Wei Two, and Wei Three. Wei Three hated it. He hated it. Like, “Why do I gotta be Wei Three?” “Shut up, Wei Three! You asshole. Come on, Wei One. I’m sorry you had to hear that.” Gandrew and Strandrew, and this happened, like… three years after college. We were all at a bar. We were drinking. It was 11:00. We left this bar. “What should we do next?” And so, Gandrew’s like: “You know what we should do now?” I was like, “What?” He goes, “Let’s go to my place. We can totally fuck.” It’s like, “Wait, what? Did you just try to slip in a fuck?” And he’s like, “Did you notice?” Like, “Yes, I noticed. Absolutely, but I’ll tell you: Even if I didn’t notice now, I would have noticed later, when you tried to fuck.” He was like, “I’ll never stop trying.” “That’s fine. I don’t care.” At that point, he’d been hitting on me for five years. All through college and then some. I didn’t mind, you know? It’s flattering, and I’m stronger than him, so, who cares? You know? It’s all the benefit, none of the danger. But he was getting mad, you guys. He was mad. When you hit on someone for five years and don’t get anywhere, it’s frustrating. I’ve never… I can’t imagine being in that situation. Not get anywhere. And he lost it that night. Couldn’t take it anymore. He just goes, “Ari.” Just right at me: “Why won’t you fuck me?” Yeah, just blatant like that. Jesus Christ. Is that what women deal with all the time? Like, “Why won’t you fuck me?” And I was like, “‘Cause I’m not gay.” I’m telling you, if a gay guy’s hitting on you and you tell him you’re not gay, that is not a good enough answer for a gay man. You’d think that’d end the argument. It does not. It only changes it slightly. He goes, “How do you know?” Like he’s gonna outthink me right there on the spot. He’s gonna logic his way into my asshole. I was like, “Is that really a question? How do I know? How do I know I’m not gay? I don’t know, man. I guess I’ve always sort of suspected. Is that the answer? I remember when I was young, like 13, I remember seeing a love scene in a movie. I remember looking at the woman the whole time. And right there I was like, ‘Oh, fuck, maybe.’ Later, I remember, the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue came to my house. Before anybody else got it, I took it to my room. And I masturbated to it. Until I came. And that was my second clue. After a while I just came to terms with it. I just realized who I was. And I told everybody in my life. I told my mom, my dad. I sat them all down. I was like, ‘Guys, I’m… I’m a heterosexual.’ To be honest, Gandrew, everybody’s been cool about it. You’re the only one giving me a hard time. Everybody else knows I was born this way. It’s not a choice or a decision. They’ve all been very respectful of who I am, except for you.” Then he goes, “Okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. You’re right. My bad.” But he wasn’t done trying. He was like, “How about this?” He goes, “Let’s go back to my place… ” “Andrew, come on.” “No, just hear me out. Just wait, okay? It’s okay, shh, it’s okay. We’ll just go back to my place, and I’ll just blow you.” And I was like, “No.” And man, he could not accept that at all. He was like, “You won’t even let me blow you? Are you kidding? You aren’t gonna let me blow you?” And I was like, “No.” And he was like, “Why?!” And I’m like, “‘Cause I’m not attracted to men.” He goes, “Yeah, but, Ari, I’ve seen a lot of the women you’ve hooked up with. And you’re not attracted to a lot of them either.” I was like, “Well, touché, Gandrew. Touché.” I get too drunk. It happens. Absolutely. And he goes, “So, shall we fuck?” And I’m like, “No. We shall’n’t.” He goes, “That’s ’cause you’re homophobic.” I’m like, “What? I’m homophobic ’cause I won’t let you fuck me?” And he goes, “No, no. You’re homophobic ’cause you won’t let me blow you.” I was like, “Please explain.” And he goes, “Okay. Sure.” He asks me some questions. He goes, “Do you like blow jobs?” I was like, “Yes. I do.” I’ve always… My entire career, I’ve always voted pro-blow job. I’m like Bernie Sanders and Ron Paul. Down the middle. Never waffled on the main issues. Always voted yes on Prop Beej. Yeah. And he’s like, “Great. Okay. Well, I enjoy giving them.” I was like, “So?” He goes, “So, you want something, and I have that thing.” I was like, “I don’t understand.” He goes, “Let’s say you wanted a Kit-Kat. You didn’t have any Kit-Kats. You’re like, ‘I wish I could get a Kit-Kat but it’s so late and no stores are open. There’s no place to get a Kit-Kat. What am I gonna do?’ Your old buddy Gandrew shows up, and he’s got a knapsack full of Kit-Kats, and he’s just looking to give one out. ‘Take one.’ ‘No. I don’t want to.’ ‘Take one. I love giving them out. It gives me some weird gratification to hand out a Kit-Kat.'” He goes, “You know what you do?” “What?” “You take a Kit-Kat. You probably take a couple. You’d get annoying. Next time I saw you, you’d be like: ‘Hey, can I get another Kit-Kat?’ I’d be like, ‘We don’t have time.’ ‘Let’s go to the back and get one Kit-Kat. I don’t see what the difference is.'” He goes, “You know why? ‘Cause there’s no social stigma on a fucking Kit-Kat.” And I’m like, “So, I’m a homophobe because I won’t let you blow me?” He goes, “Yeah, that’s right. You are.” And I was like: “I gotta think about this, man. I don’t know. What you’re saying makes sense. I don’t want to be homophobic. I was a fucking liberal arts major. I can’t be homophobic, but I think I am. I think I am. I’ve never let a dude blow me. I’ve never fucked a dude.” It’s stuck in my head. That was 15 years ago, and it’s stuck in the back of my head. Every few months I’d think about it. Not all the time, but gay marriage would come up as a topic. Everyone would weigh in. I’m like, “Homophobe. You can’t talk. Oh, yeah.” I can’t be part of this dialogue. Yeah, it bothered me for so long. I mean, I’ve stuck my dick in horrible places. Just horrible. But never a man. And I mean horrible. I mean, like, I fucked a couch before. Yeah. You know whose couch? Worst person possible. My Mommy and Daddy’s couch. Yeah, the blue one in the living room. I went in there between Seat Cushion 2 and 3. I would get in there and I would just fucking… Just: I would hold the cushion tight so it would feel better. I would hook my ankle in the other one, like… And bring it in. That’s how I’d get off to that swimsuit issue. I’d fucking look at Rachel Hunter, and I’m like: Do you know how good it felt to fuck that couch as a 15-year-old? Do you know how…? Awful, you guys. It felt awful. It would chafe my dick. You’re not supposed to fuck couches. You know that? They’re not for fucking. They’re for sitting on. Yeah. Maybe that should be on a Snapple bottle. The original function of a couch was not for 15-year-olds to explore themselves. They’re just for sitting on. Yeah, it would chafe my dick almost to the point of bleeding. Yeah. Maybe that’s how I got the cut on my dick. Maybe that was it. Maybe that’s the original wound. It took me like a week to heal. You know what I did as soon as I was done? Yeah, I was right back in there. “You thought I was gone? I’ll never be gone. I own you. You’re mine.” I’ve fucked a couch and I’ve never fucked a man. I was like, “Maybe I’m a homophobe. Maybe it’s true.” I always thought, like, no, I wasn’t attracted to a man. But maybe I’m wrong. And then, last April… I took that trip to Thailand. Some of you are ahead of me. I haven’t gotten there yet, you guys. My friends all asked me the same question when I got back. None of them asked me about the food, the amazing cuisine. None of them asked me about the temples every four blocks. The only question they had: “Ari, did you fuck a ladyboy?” That’s all they wanted to know. And I was going to, you guys. I was for real. That was the plan. That was the plan. Do you guys know what a ladyboy is? – Yes. – Okay. If you don’t, it’s a transsexual. But it’s better than that. It’s regional. They dominate. They’re like the best of the best. The Thai ladyboy is like the ’92 Dream Team of transsexuals. Yeah, and just like the ’92 Dream Team, only one out of 12 of them have AIDS. Oh! What are you guys, Magic fans? Relax. And I was going to. I was for real going to. I was gonna fuck a ladyboy. Because no, guys, I’m not attracted to men. I’m not. But I am attracted to hot-looking women who happen to have one weird detail about them. That’s a whole different thing. And they are hot. They’re hot, you guys. They’re hot. From behind, you can’t tell. From behind, they’re like petite. They’re like 5’3″… Asian men, but they’re, like, small. They wear black miniskirt dresses, so, their asses and legs look good. They’ve got long, straight Asian hair. The kind Jewish women buy. You know? You come up behind them like, “Goddamn, she’s hot as fuck. Who’s that?” And then you look in front, they got breast implants, and they tuck their dicks with, like, industrial-grade jockstraps. The best of the best. And you look at them from below the Adam’s apple down, and you’re like, “She’s so hot. So is she.” Then you look up. You’re like, “Hello, sir. Gentlemen. Fellas. How you guys doing? What’s up, bro? Dude?” Yeah, the people who say they’re tens definitely fucked a ladyboy. And I wanted to, you guys. Why not? What better place to dip my toe into the waters of homosexuality just to see how it feels, you know what I mean? You don’t want your first gay experience when you’re wondering whether you should… You don’t want your first experience to be some buff dude who comes in like, “I’m gonna tear that ass apart!” “I’m out, I’m out, I’m out. I can’t do it. I thought I could. I apologize. I’ll pay for dinner. Get an appetizer. I apologize. I can’t do this.” You gotta start small and work your way up. The ladyboy, you know? It’s like the marijuana of gay. And why not Thailand? Why not? They don’t talk a lot of English. They have a low Facebook presence. What better place? If I could do it, if I could fuck one ladyboy, I could prove to myself that I wasn’t a homophobe. You know? Once and for all. I just wasn’t attracted to Gay Andrew. Ladyboys are different. I was like, “I’m gonna do this.” If I can do it, I can do all the stuff that I want to do in the world. You know what I want to do? I’m gonna open myself up. I wanted to get five to come with me to a Thai kickboxing fight. They’re like 15 bucks for the whole day. For 75 dollars, you can get five of them. I was gonna get a mink coat and walk in like this: First I had to get my dick wet. You know, so, I went into one of the massage parlors. They all start crowding around me. Like, “Ladies, ladies, fellas, whatever, back off, give me some room here. Let me breathe. This is my first time. I’m not a regular.” So, they all moved away. Super respectful. There’s 40 of them in there. Two of them were legitimately hot. Two of them… Nobody could tell. Any guy here would buy them multiple drinks to try to get with them. So fucking hot. And then there was a third one that was, like, way older. You know, she was like a ladyman. She had gray chest hair in her bikini top. It was unsettling. I was like, “Hang up the jockstrap. Your career’s over.” So, one of the “hot” hot ones saw me looking at her, so, she comes over, she takes my hand, she starts leading me back. I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I’m doing this. I’m doing this. This is happening.” We go to the back, through this curtain. My heart’s beating out of my chest. I was so nervous. We start going up these steps. I went up two steps and my whole body just kind of stopped. I just seized up. She looked back like, “What’s the matter?” And I was like: “I’m homophobic. Fuck. For sure, yeah. I’m a homophobe.” She’s like, “You’re not attracted?” “I’m super attracted. You’re hot as fuck. But I can’t do it.” Then she was like, “What’s a homophobe?” I’m like, how do you explain to a ladyboy hooker in Thailand what homophobia is? It’s such an open society. And I was like, “All right well, let me try, I guess. A homophobe is like, imagine if you gave somebody a hamburger, and they were eating it, and halfway through, you were like, ‘Actually, just so you know, it’s a veggie burger.’ Then imagine they started spitting out what they had in their mouth. And they’re wiping their tongue with a napkin, and maybe they start punching the burger ’cause they’re so mad at it, and they tell it, ‘If you tell anybody this, I’ll kill you.’ And then they hung themselves. They couldn’t live with eating a veggie burger.” I’m like, “That’s a homophobe.” I’m like, “You look exactly like a hamburger, and I bet you taste and smell just like one, too, but deep in my heart, I know you’re a veggie burger, and something’s not letting me eat it. And that is homophobia.” Yeah. And then she goes, “Well, I don’t understand. Do you like blow jobs?” “Yes, I like blow jobs. Why does everybody ask me this? Of course I like blow jobs.” Do I have a no-blow-job-liking face? What is this question? She was like, “I’m really good at them.” I’m like, “Yeah, I mean, you’ve gone pro, obviously.” I don’t know what your world ranking is, but it’s a testimony to your skill level. So, I left. And I deal with it now. I’m a homophobe. My friends are like, “No, just ’cause you wouldn’t fuck a ladyboy hooker in Thailand that does not make you homophobic.” But I disagree, you guys. I think it does. Like, you guys, Austin, Texas, you’re not homophobic, right? Austin, Texas. The rest of Texas I’m sure is. Probably most of you aren’t homophobic. You aren’t. You’re not. Would you fuck a ladyboy? No? It’s okay. – I got a girl. – You’ve got a girl. Fine. But let’s say she died in a horrible car accident. And you wanted to console yourself in the arms of a beautiful ladyboy woman. I think that’s probably everybody’s answer. Probably. Like, not fuck a ladyboy, also not homophobic. But let me ask you all a question. And actually, I’ll just ask you three in particular. This is a question for every guy in here to think about. Would you rather fuck a ladyboy or… a sheep? You’re thinking about it! It’s human! The answer is human! You would fuck our species over any other species! Homophobe, homophobe, homophobe, homophobe! I know. It got me, too. That’s the only reason I know it’s a hard question. Somebody asked me. I was like, “What’s the sheep doing? Just walking by? Is it, like, looking at me all weird? It’s not a talking sheep, right, doesn’t know my friends?” Homophobe! Thank you very much, everybody. You guys have been tremendous. What a fucking pleasure to play here. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you very much.

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