BRIAN REGAN: NUNCHUCKS AND FLAMETHROWERS (2017) – Full Transcript

[audience cheering] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… please welcome Brian Regan! [cheering and applause] Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. All right. I think we’re done with the hour. I am very honored by that. That means a lot. Thank you very much everybody. [cheering and applause]
Well, it was my New Year’s resolution to lose 15 pounds this year. I’ve only got 25 pounds to go. [audience laughing] Little by little. [audience laughing] I gained ten pounds just for that joke. That’s how dedicated I am. I learned there are milestones in putting on a few pounds. Little moments where you go, “Hey, that was new.” It used to be I’d put on my underwear, and that was it. I’d just get on with my day. You put on a few pounds, put on your underwear, you bend over, and your waistband flips down. [audience laughing] You stand back up, and it flaps back into place… with an awkward little snap: [mimics snapping sound] Whoa. That hurt and felt nice. [audience laughing] Then you put on a few more pounds, you bend over, your waistband flips down. And when you stand back up, it doesn’t flap back into place. [audience laughing] Hey, where was the awkward little snap?
I hit a brand-new milestone. The other day, I put on my underwear, I didn’t even have to bend over. My waistband just flipped down. [audience laughing] I think. I’m at the point I have to ask, “Is my underwear on?” [audience laughing] How would I know? You get compliments when you put on weight. I had a woman come up to me after a show, and she said, “You are so smart to wear vertical stripes.” [audience laughing] Yeah. Thank you. That’s very cagy how you threw a cloak over an insult with a compliment. That’s like saying, “You are so gracious not to show your ugly face in public.” [audience laughing] Have you heard? People think I’m smart and gracious.
Somebody told me TV adds ten pounds. I didn’t believe it till I was watching this nature show about ants, and I was like: -Wow! -[audience laughing] “Those things look like they weigh 10.0001 pounds.” I immediately called the exterminator.

I’m trying, man. I have a trainer, a woman. We play tennis. She beats me every time. A couple of weeks ago, I beat her for the first time, she didn’t say anything, I thought that was weird. I didn’t wanna say something, “I beat you!” It’s okay. We put the rackets away, she says, “My husband and I have an announcement to make.” And I’m like, “What’s that?” She goes, “I’m five months pregnant.” [audience laughing] So, I beat a pregnant woman at tennis. [audience laughing] I beat the both of you. Neither of you could handle this action.

Tennis is weird. The scoring system per game in tennis is mathematically ludicrous. It doesn’t make even a little bit of sense. First of all, there’s no zero. If you don’t have any points, you have to say “love.” If you don’t say it like that, your opponent gets upset. -“How many points you have, Brian?” -“Um, I think you know. I’ve never touched the ball ever. I have zero.” “You have love.” [gasps] “It don’t feel like it.” [audience laughing] Why do you say it like that? You don’t say it with other things, like your checking account. “Oh, no. [audience laughing] I’ve got love.” Be careful.
That’s the smart part of the scoring system. If you get your first shot in, he’ll go, “You got 15.” “No, that’s not possible. We just arrived.” You get the next shot in, you get another 15, to a total of 30. “Oh, okay. I got it. Say no more.” But you get the next shot in, you get ten points… to a total of 40. No explanation as to why this ratio… is any different from the first two volleys. Ten, so say the random gods. I award ten at this juncture for no apparent reason. [audience laughing] If both of you have 40, that’s deuce, which I thought meant two. If you get the winning shot, there’s not a point value. He’ll just go, “Game.” [audience laughing] “How many points did I get?” “Game. What are you worried about points for?” I thought we were keeping a ridiculous tally. Ah. All that mental gymnastics is out the window. Love, 15, 30, 40. Game.
How come somebody didn’t go to that first meeting, that first scoring system meeting? Um… [audience laughing] “I know I’m late… [audience laughing] and I hope I’m not out of line. I see all that trigonometry you have on the board. And I can only imagine you’ve already discussed this, but… instead of that, why not zero, one, two, three, four?” [chuckles] “Okay, Charlie. You hear Charlie’s idea? Charlie thinks little numbers… is better than love, 15, 30, 40, deuce, my ad, 30, 50, your ad. He thinks little numbers is better than all that.”
Another thing I don’t like about tennis. Why are you allowed two tries for every single serve? You get a mulligan every serve? “Give me the ball back, I hit it into the net. Give me the ball.” “I get a point?” “No, we’re playing the most lenient game in the history of sports. I can make error after error after error after error and still be in this game. Give me the ball. Give me the ball.” The hell? Can you imagine seeing that in other sports? A quarterback looking at a defensive back with a football? “Give me the ball back. Where do you think you’re going with that? Bring me the ball back. I did not wanna throw that interception. [yelling] Give me the ball back. Give me the ball back.” So, why in tennis do they allow that? That encourages people who play three times in their whole life. They know every first shot is a freebie, so they try to land some rocket… that don’t have a chance in hell of ever touching down on the planet Earth. [mimics ball bouncing] [whooshing] [yells] They hit some shooting star across the street. It lands on the roof of some warehouse. [audience laughing] They know the next one has to get in, so they morph into a complete different player. Boink. [audience laughing] “Wanna explain what that first scud was all about?” “We got three balls in the can. Relax.” “You see little Wimbledon boys running these down? If it goes over the fence, I’m not gonna get it.” “Ball’s over the fence, Brian.” He’s like, “How many do we have left?” “Love. [audience laughing] Let’s get out of here.” [cheering and applause]

There have been changes in our country since last time. [audience laughing] I don’t know if anybody saw that blurb in the newspaper, but… I believe there’s a new president. I’ve never been more afraid to bring up a subject in my life. [audience laughing] Not politically, socially, you know? Just going to barbecues. “Are we gonna be talking politics or having fun? [audience laughing] I wanna play horseshoes. I don’t wanna be yelled at. I just saw the Hatfields and McCoys peel out. Couldn’t take the tension.” “Calm down.” No matter what a president does, somebody’s unhappy.
There’s controversy about every decision. Like whether we should put boots on the ground in the Mideast. Some say yes, some say no. I think when you hear that term, “boots on the ground,” you assume that means soldiers in those boots. I say we drop a bunch of boots on them. [audience laughing] Planeload after planeload. Just keep shoving boots out. They won’t know what hit them. Like: “What is with all these boots on the ground?” Just keep dropping our best boots till they’re up to their neck. “There’s too many boots on the ground!” You ever try to be evil up to your neck in boots? It’s practically impossible. Problem solved.

Speaking of problems… I read this headline. This blew me away. Apparently, the Israelis and Palestinians are not getting along. [audience laughing] When did that happen? I go on a short vacation… I don’t know how they’ll solve the issues. They tried violence. Hasn’t worked. Nothing’s worked. But you know what they haven’t tried? And I think it’s worth a shot. They haven’t tried a good dad. ‘Cause a good dad can solve a problem in 30 seconds. I say we send a good dad over there. “What in the hell is going on over here?” [audience laughing] “Well, he started it.” “No, he started it.” “I don’t care who started it. Knock it off!” [cheering and applause] “Why are you fighting anyway?” “Well, this is mine.” “No, it’s mine.” “How about if it was neither of yours? [audience laughing] How about if I took it away from both of you? Figure out how to share it, say you love each other, sleep. We’ll have a fantastic day tomorrow.” [cheering and applause]
If that doesn’t work, I have a proposal. They should make a rule that you can no longer answer a question with a question. ‘Cause that leads nowhere. That’s how they answer everything about that conflict. “Should you guys be shooting rockets?” “Should they be building settlements?” [audience laughing] “Whose was this 100 years ago?” “Whose was this 1000 years ago?” [cheering and applause] All great questions.
Now that I know it’s okay to answer a question with a question, I’ll use that the next time a cop pulls me over. [audience laughing] “Do you know how fast you were going?” “Do you know why you like eating donuts? [audience laughing] Looks like we’re at a stalemate.” [audience laughing]

Hey, this is cool. Kim Jong-un is one of my Facebook friends. I couldn’t believe it. [audience laughing] He’s always liking my stuff. “Hey, I like that.” Thanks, Kim Jong-un.
I read recently, absolute truth, they said Kim Jong-un is considering outlawing sarcasm in North Korea. Wow. I wonder if he proposed that and one of his generals said, “Oh, yeah. That’ll work.” [audience laughing]
I don’t understand North Korea’s public relations program. They keep releasing pictures of Kim Jong-un looking through binoculars. Is that supposed to intimidate us? Listen, if you can see your enemy through binoculars… you’ve already lost. [audience laughing]

I’ve been watching these senate hearings. Those things are bizarre. The way they talk to each other at that level is so strange. At our level, if we don’t like somebody, we say like, “Hey, I don’t like you.” At that level, they’re nice for four minutes, and on the fifth minute, they kick them in the teeth. “First, I wanna thank you for coming and answering our questions. On a personal note, I had the pleasure of working with you on the Arms Services Committee. You care about your constituents. On the education bill, you did a lot of work. I know you care about charities, and that’s to be commended. Why do you lie, cheat and steal?” [audience laughing]

I went to one city council meeting. Man, was I disappointed. These people wanted to build a building that was higher than what the law allowed. So, I didn’t know why there was a meeting. [audience laughing] Can I go to a city council meeting, “Um, I’m tired of stopping at red lights”? [audience laughing] Yet there was a meeting to discuss this. The guy representing the building said, “Here’s the deal. The law right now is a building cannot be any taller than 30 feet. But my clients wanna build a building that’s 700 feet. [audience laughing] So, clearly, we need to compromise. I have a proposal for a 657-foot building.” City council just approved this thing. And everybody left. I wish I had done this. I wish I’d have said, “Excuse me. Before we wrap up, I have a final proposal for the city council. Right now the law is I’m not allowed to rob any liquor stores. [audience laughing] But I wanna rob a hundred liquor stores. So, clearly, we need to compromise. I have a list of 50 liquor stores.”

I love doing this, man. I get to travel. I was just in Atlanta. Went to a Braves game. You know the controversy about team nicknames and mascots and stuff? It was weird. I was in the stands at the Braves game, everybody was going: [chanting] [panting while chanting] A bunch of overweight white people: “Give me another Big Gulp! And a third footlong. Should we be doing this? This feels inappropriate somehow.” I don’t think they meant anything by it, but… same thing when I was in Toronto at the Blue Jays game and… their fans were going: -[mimics bird chirping] -[audience laughing] I don’t think they meant anything by it. They were playing the Orioles. [audience laughing] It was fan chirp-off night. [mimics birds chirping] It was getting ugly. [audience laughing]
If a player makes a good play, he’ll often jump up and yell, “That’s what I’m talking about!” I’m not good with impressions. [audience laughing] They’ll yell, “That’s what I’m talking about!” Well, how do I know? I think they should be required to show the proof. Say they make a catch in the end zone and yell, “That’s what I’m talking about.” They should whip out an iPad. “In fact, this is me from an interview just last evening.” “Tomorrow, it’s gonna be important for us to get into field position. The defensive back on me is one of the best players in the league. It’ll be challenging for me to get open. In the last two minutes, I’ll make a nice head fake, get open in the end zone. Throw will not be good. I’ll have to grab it, keep my feet in balance to make the go-ahead touchdown.” “See? That’s what I was talking about!” [cheering and applause]

You know what kills me? Postgame press conferences. They still haven’t learned you need to put a microphone on the people asking the questions. [audience laughing] This drives me crazy. You have the table, you have the coach or the athlete sitting at the table behind a microphone. So, they know about microphones. [audience laughing] You’re at home watching this waste of time. [speaking muffled gibberish] “Uh, that was a coaching decision.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Uh, three, maybe four.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Definitely.” [audience laughing] Complete waste of everybody’s time. Waste of everybody’s time. Wasting everybody’s time.
So, if I was the athlete, I would give ridiculous answers. Nothing makes any sense anyway. Might as well have fun with it. [continues speaking gibberish] “Probably pterodactyls.” [audience laughing] Makes as much sense as what they’re doing now.

They do that at police press conferences. When you need to hear what’s happening ’cause something’s going down, no one has figured out you need to mic the people asking the questions. It blows my mind. You turn on your TV, the police chief’s there. He’s sweating. You’re like, “What’s happening?” This is what you’re taking in at home: [speaking gibberish] “We don’t know how they’re all escaping.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “Uh… Nunchucks and flamethrowers.” [audience laughing] [continues speaking gibberish] “We think they’re hiding in that neighborhood.” [audience laughing] [cheers and applause] I’m not making that up out of thin air. Watch a press conference. That’s what you’ll get.

Talking about sports. My favorite sport– Everybody’s favorite sport. –is cigarette boat racing. [audience laughing] Our national pastime. I was watching sports highlights, and they showed a cigarette boat flying across the water, and then all of a sudden, it did this business. And I’m thinking, what happens in the captain’s mind at that moment? “Okay. We’ll have a bad day now.” [audience laughing] Three backflips, hit the water and exploded into nothing but flotsam and jetsam. And I swear the sportscaster said, “The driver suffered a broken toe.” I could understand him saying, “All they could find was the driver’s toe.” [audience laughing] And it was broken. And they put it in a splint and helicopter it off to a trauma center. “Here he is. Where should we put Cap’n Crunch?” He broke his toe. How do you break your toe cigarette boat racing? What, was he flipping in midair? “Oh, no. I’m gonna get wet. Let me see if it’s gonna be cold.” [screams] [audience laughing] [screams] He goes to parties with his toe bandaged. “Cigarette boat racing?” “You know it. [audience laughing] You wanna initial my cast?”

I saw another thing on the sports highlights. At some basketball game, at halftime, they brought a fan down to the half-court line and he made a half-court shot, and the crowd went nuts. And I was like, “Wow, what was the prize?” And they said the prize was Tater Tots¹ for life. [audience laughing] That’s a prize? That’s a curse. [audience laughing] I would have missed on purpose. “What happens if this goes in?” “Tater Tots for life.” [audience laughing] Who wants to deal with that for the rest of their life? You’d be answering Tater Tot questions 30 years from now. “Are you that Tater Tot guy? You made that Tater Tot shot, didn’t you? Do you still like Tater Tots? Do you eat Tater Tots every day? If you don’t feel like it, can you pretend you’re ordering Tater Tots for yourself, and slide them to your friend or do they monitor that? How? They give you a card? They click it like a dozen-donut thing? You like talking about this on your deathbed?” [audience laughing] Listen. I don’t wanna sound like I’m bragging… but I’m gonna put this out there. I have enough money… to buy Tater Tots… [audience laughing] for the rest… of my life. [cheers and applause] I got that kind of coin. Sure, I’m lucky. I can surround myself with financial advisers. We spent a month crunching the numbers, looking at spreadsheets, comparing data, analyzing algorithms. It turns out you need $64. [audience laughing]

Our national pastime is baseball. I like baseball. I like the home plate umpire job. They call balls and strikes, which I think are equally important to the game. So, why is an umpire’s reaction to a ball or a strike so markedly different? When it’s a strike, an umpire lets everybody know. But when it’s a ball, sometimes an umpire don’t do nothing. I’d feel bad if I was a pitcher, and I put all kinds of effort into my pitch, and an umpire just went: [audience laughing] “Not gonna waste my time with this nonsense.” But when it’s a strike: [screaming] [audience laughing] “Are you open to suggestions? Why not split the difference in those reactions? ‘Cause when it was a ball, I didn’t know anything had even transpired. And when it was a strike, I thought your chest might explode.” [audience laughing] It’s a hard job. You have a lot of close plays at the plate. It’s why I think the home plate umpire should be allowed one shrug per game. Use it whenever you need it. [makes whooshing sound] [audience laughing] “I don’t know. Cloud of dust and a heigh-ho. What do you want? [audience laughing] You think I saw something in that billow you didn’t?”
I don’t know why players argue with umpires. Every game you’ll see a player argue with an umpire. And I’ve never seen an umpire change his mind ever. So, why would you waste your time? Has that ever worked? Ever see a guy sliding into home? “You’re out!” “You’re crazy, man! He missed the tag! I had my hand–” “Okay, okay. Safe. [audience laughing] Ah! I don’t like conflict. I tend to shy away from that. Go ahead. Give him a run. No, it’s okay. I didn’t know about the yelling. It’s okay. Give it to him.”
Baseball has interesting traditions. Why do baseball coaches wear uniforms? What’s going on? You imagine a hockey coach on the sidelines… [audience laughing] wearing full goalie gear? “Give it your all, fellas.” “Who’s the guy in the goalie mask?” So, why is it normal in baseball? They look silly, especially the ones who put on a few pounds. Sitting in the dugout. Pinstripes this far apart. [audience laughing] Looks like somebody made a jailbreak out of his torso. “I think I might pinch-run today. No, I’ll just sit here and eat Funyuns².”

My dad coached me in Little League baseball. He coached all eight of us and worked a full-time job. Wonderful man. So is my mom. [audience laughing] My mom is one of the most wonderful men that I’ve ever– Wonderful people. Guess what joke’s gonna be fixed. [audience laughing] Maybe– Maybe that’s it. Maybe I don’t know how to say anything sincere. My mom is a wonderful man. Okay, Chuckles. No. My mom and dad are wonderful. They’re both around. We’re very fortunate. They’re both funny.
My dad has an interesting sense of humor. Very dry, yet silly simultaneously. He says silly, nonsensical things with a straight face. If you laugh, great. If you don’t laugh, he enjoys that more. [audience laughing] He says things like biddlyumbombowayday. Don’t try to make sense of it. We’d be in a restaurant, waitress would go, “Do you want appetizers?” “Biddlyumbombowayday.” [audience laughing] “What are you doing, Dad?” “Just having fun.” [audience laughing] “How is that fun for her?” Another thing he says beck beck beckedebang. Means nothing. Especially to the cop that pulled us over. [audience laughing] Coming back from a family picnic. “Can I see your license and registration sir?” “Beck beck beckedebang.” We’re in the back of the station wagon, “Daddy’s going to jail.” [audience laughing]
We love that about him. Still do. But now he’s at a time in his life where they try to figure out what level of care he needs. And this is how he’s talking… [audience laughing] to medical professionals. And it’s getting murky. I was with him, and the doctor walked in, “How you doing, Walt?” And he said, “Biddlyumbombowayday.” [audience laughing] I had to be the interpreter. “Oh, fantastic. He’s doing great. He wouldn’t say that unless he’s was doing great.” Doctor’s looking at me like, “Okay. You’ve been taking your medications?” “Beck beck beckedebang.” [audience laughing] “Oh, you know he’s taking them. He’d never say that unless he’s on meds.” [audience laughing]
I tried to call him the other day. My sister was with him, so I called her cell phone. I said, “Put Dad on FaceTime. It might be easier to talk to him.” I hear her say, “Brian wants to talk to you on FaceTime.” And I hear him say, “What is Spacetime?” And she’s like, “It’s called FaceTime.” He’s like, “Never heard of Spacetime.” I’m like, “This is off the rails.” [audience laughing] She gives him the phone. He has no idea there’s a camera in there. He’s whipping it all over the place. I’m seeing his face zip by at the speed of light. I’m yelling, “Stop moving the phone! Aim it in one place!” He thinks it’s for audio reasons. He aims it at the corner of his room, I’m seeing a cobweb dangling. “Can you hear me?” “I always could hear you. Aim it at your face, Dad.” So, he sort of gets it but not really. It’s like two unfocused eyes. They don’t know where to look. Like an alligator coming out of a swamp at a 45-degree angle. [audience laughing] I’m like, “Hey, Dad. How you doing?” “Who is this?” “It’s Brian.” “Who am I talking to?” I felt bad until he asked, “Who’s that in the square in the corner?” “You, Dad.” “Somebody’s in the corner looking at us.” “Buck Rogers. He’s watching us through Spacetime.” [cheers and applause]
He’s funny. Sometimes you wonder, do you know if he’s there or not? He’ll make a joke that makes you know, “Oh. Of course he’s there.” He was eating donuts while I talked to him on FaceTime. I said, “How’s that donut?” He goes, “Has a hole in it.” [audience laughing] The most beautiful joke I heard. [chuckles] All right, Dad.
My dad likes that awkward moment comedy… when not everybody gets it. I like everybody in the lasso. My dad likes when there’s one man out. You know?
Here’s an example. We had a family reunion. I drove my dad to the restaurant where we were meeting. He and I get out of the car. We’re walking in. He’s an old guy, doesn’t walk well. He’s shuffling along. I said, “Dad, you need help?” He goes, “I got it.” I said, “I’m next to you if you need me.” He goes, “All right.” The hostess looks out and sees my dad shuffling along. She runs into the parking lot, says, “Do you need help, sir?” He said, “I asked my son for help, and he said, ‘No.'” [audience laughing] “That’s funny, Dad. It’s a funny joke. Funny to two-thirds of us standing here.” I’m trying to cover, “My dad was joking.” “Oh, I bet. I bet he was.” He explains nothing to her. He walks right past her. Biddlyumbombowayday. [audience laughing] Yeah.

My mom is funny, too, but she’s funny in a quirky way. My mom and dad sat me down when I was a kid, Mom said, “There’s something we wanna tell you.” And I was like, “Okay.” And my mom goes, “We just want you to know that we named you after Thomas Jefferson.” [audience laughing] “My name is Brian Joseph Regan.” And she said, “We named you after Thomas Jefferson.” [audience laughing] And they got up, walked out of the room, and I heard them laughing in the hallway. [laughter and applause] I’m like, “Was that a joke? Was that a life lesson? Why is this part of my child development?”

So, I have some weird personality quirks. I wonder where they came from. One is I have to over-explain things. If I feel somebody doesn’t understand something, I will say it again in another way. Sort of like that. [audience laughing] Here’s another example. Um… I was on the road recently, and I was hungry, and I passed a place that said, “Mr. Frank.” So, I said, “I’m going in to get a hot dog.” And I walked in and realized it was a men’s clothing store. It’s just weird when your expectations are 180 degrees off. I’m expecting paper hats and a guy slinging dogs. I’m seeing jackets and ascots. I’m like, “This makes no sense.” Before I could leave, a salesman came up and said, “Can I help you?” And instead of saying, “No, thank you,” and leaving… I said, “I want a hot dog.” [audience laughing] So, we stared at each other for 20 seconds. He says, “You know this is a men’s clothing store, right?” And at that point, I knew that. And I was like, “Yes, I know.” And then I turned around and walked out. And my guess is he tells that story more often than I do. [audience laughing]

I have two kids. I love being a daddy. I like playing board games with my kids. That’s one of my favorite things to do. I love to get on the living room carpet and play Clue. You have to guess what’s in the envelope by process of elimination. I’ve never won. I don’t know what my kids do that I’m not capable of, but I’m like, “How did you win?” My son’s like, “When you looked at the last card and made a mark, I knew because you didn’t make a mark when the previous card–” “My brain is getting hot. [audience laughing] I don’t understand anything you’re saying.” The only way I can eliminate something in the game Clue from being in that envelope is if somebody puts that card in my face. “Colonel Mustard? I doubt he’s in there. [audience laughing] How can he be in two places?” I learned something about the game Clue. If you ever show up somewhere, and everyone’s last name is a color… you might wanna get on out of there. [audience laughing] Ain’t nothing good going down there. Especially if as you’re leaving, you see a candlestick in the conservatory. Skedaddle. If a place even has a conservatory, blow that pop stand. If you ever hear someone say, “I believe we should all retire to the conservatory…” “You know, we got a long drive. You all enjoy the conservatory. We’ll Google that, see what that means.” [audience laughing]

I like the games when I was a kid. Trouble. They put the dice in a bubble ’cause they knew we were stupid. [audience laughing] If they weren’t in the bubble, we’d lose them for sure. Boop-boop. “I lost the dice. They’re in a bubble.” Boop-boop. “I lost them again! They’re in a bubble. I’m sensing a pattern.” I’d like to see one of those in Vegas at the craps table. [audience laughing] “Baby needs a new pair of shoes.” Boop-boop. [audience laughing]
We played Mouse Trap. We played it differently than other families. The way we played Mouse Trap is we’d try to guess how far we would get into the setup process… before we got frustrated and threw everything back in the box. Any game that needs a construction hat and blueprints… [audience laughing] You know what intrigues me about the game Mouse Trap? Knowing that this conversation had to have taken place at a conference table. “Freddy? Freddy, you had something you wanted to offer?” “Um, yeah. I was thinking swingy boot. [audience laughing] Hit a bucket with a ball in it, so, boot, bucket, ball. Anyway, that’s all I got so far.” [audience laughing] That was mulled around by Milton and Bradley. “This has the makings of one of the best games in the world.”

Hey, wanna destroy a family? [audience laughing] I got a great way to destroy a family. A lot of techniques everybody knows about. Alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addictions. Those can destroy a family. But those take a while. [audience laughing] You wanna destroy a family quickly? Break out a game of Scattergories. [audience laughing] They should call that Argument in a Box. “It’s things at a beach. You can’t say sandwiches.” “Why? I said sandwiches.” “You can’t say sandwiches. It’s things at a beach.” “I eat sandwiches when I go to the beach.” “Doesn’t matter. Not a beach thing, I won’t allow it.” “Who allows you to be the guy who’s allowing things?” “It has to be a common-sense beach thing, moron. Something at the beach when you get there. Like an umbrella! An umbrella is at the beach when you get there!” [audience laughing] Family’s destroyed. That’s a good holiday game. Break that out during the holidays, and rip your family to shreds. [audience laughing]

Here’s something I don’t think a parent has said. “The kids are playing with all their old Happy Meal toys.” [audience laughing] I don’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal toy has ever made it to sundown. Usually they break as you’re taking them out of the cellophane. “What is this? It’s broken. Toss it into the trash.” Even if you get it to work, you never wanna do it more than once. “What happens? Push this button. It shoots out four inches? Throw it in the trash. Somebody shut that toy factory down.” [audience laughing]

I love being a daddy. I like taking my kids to Disneyland. I love Disneyland. The only thing I don’t like about Disneyland is the other people. [audience laughing] Have you seen them there? What the hell are they doing there? Twice while we were in line for a ride, the family that was behind us just got in front of us. First time, I didn’t know what to do. Like, “Clearly, I don’t have all the information. [audience laughing] They were behind us, and now they’re in front of us, and how come I’m not saying something?” So, the next line for the next ride I was on red alert. “Spread out, kids. [audience laughing] Swing your hips. Swing them. Swing them rope to rope. You have to be careful at the switchback. Hug the post. Hug the post! Hug the post!” If you don’t hug the post, some worm family: [shouting gibberish] [singing] Worm people are on the planet [audience laughing] It happened anyway. I’m doing our best to protect our place in line. First it was the little kids in the family behind us. They just got up in front of my kids. So, my heart starts going– I look back thinking one of their parents will say, “No, we’re behind this family and have been for a half hour.” [audience laughing] That’s what I thought should happen. But instead, the mom came up and said, “What are you kids doing up here?” [audience laughing] “What are you doing up here?” I looked back at the dad. Maybe he’s the voice of reason. He just squeezes up the other side, says, “Well, I guess we’re up here now.” That’s what you guess? That’s the guess you take under the circumstances? This time, I said something. I’m like, “Listen. We’re behind this guy that’s in front of you. It’s been a half an hour. It’s kind of hard not to know our place. The guy’s got like a red Mohawk, and Backgammon pieces in his ear lobes. [audience laughing] It’s been him and then us for a half an hour, and now you guys are betwixt us.” And the dad goes, “Okay. Go ahead, if it’s that big a deal to you.” “It is. [audience laughing] It’s that big a deal to me. I want my family flying around on elephants before your family. It might sound absurd to you, but I like the way it makes me feel inside.” Play me as the jerk. I wish I had handled it differently. I wish when he stepped in front of me, I would have reached into the pockets of his cargo shorts and just pulled out his belongings and just hurled them. [audience laughing] Just as far as I could humanly hurl. And then just grabbed her purse and just whipped it into some distant flowerbed watching Disney receipts slowly descend back down to Earth. And when they looked at me weird, I’d go, “Oh, I thought you wanted complete anarchy. [audience laughing] [cheering and applause] Yeah. When you just step right in front of us in a clearly roped-off line, I thought that was a signal all semblance of right and wrong was out the window.” [cheering and applause]

I don’t know what it is with people. I went to my nephew’s high school graduation. I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed in the human species in my life. I’m in the stands, this woman gets on the microphone, she tried. She tried so hard. She gets on the mic, “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a wonderful day here with all these graduates. We’re gonna ask you in advance to please not applaud or cheer when your individual child or friend is called because we have way too many graduates. It would not be fair to the people at the end. We’re gonna give everybody an opportunity at the end to give a big round of applause for everyone. But please when your individual child or family member is called, please don’t applaud at that time. Okay. Thank you for understanding. Okay. Here we go. Let’s get started. With our first graduate, Aaron Anderson.” “Yeah! Aaron! Aaron! Whoo! Aaron! Aaron!” [audience laughing] Are we the smartest species? We’re– We’re top of the food chain? I so wish while he was yelling that a clamp would have descended… from the darkness of the ceiling, like one of those claw games, just right above him, and then just clamped onto his ribs, and just pulled him up, a-whooping and a-hollering, a-legs a-flailing, just pulled him up into the darkness. I don’t want him to die. I just never wanna see him again. [audience laughing] Just gone.

The decisions some people make. I don’t make good decisions. Ever agree to something that you wonder how you agreed to that? My brother-in-law was talking about his motorcycle, and said to me, “You should go for a ride with me on my motorcycle.” I was like, “Yeah, it’d be fun to go for a ride.” He goes, “All right. Let’s go.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What is happening?” So, we get to his motorcycle. He’s sitting on it. [mimics motor revving] “Hop on.” Okay. Hop? Can anyone hop onto a motorcycle? [audience laughing] I don’t think anyone has done that. So, I tried to hop. [singing] Here comes Peter Cottontail [audience laughing] Hopping down the Harley trail Hop, you say. I don’t even know how to get on the motorcycle. I’m like, “Can we rig up a footstool and a pulley system?” [audience laughing] I finally get behind him, and I notice he doesn’t have a back bar. It’s just me and street. “Hi, street.” So, we haven’t left yet, and I don’t know how it works, so I put my arms around him. [audience laughing] And he was like, “No, no, no. No. No, that ain’t happening. What are you, joking? You’re joking. Okay.” [laughs] I’m like, “Yeah, I’m joking.” [audience laughing] He’s like, “You got little handles by your seat.” I’m like, “I know that. What?” It’s these two little handles. You’re not allowed to sit in the car without some harness system holding you in, but they’ll let you sit on a motorcycle like this? Good luck! So, he tears away, and I’m like: [screams] I use every ounce of gut muscle I have to work my way back up. He’s starts herking and jerking, our helmets started clicking. Click, click, click. “What are you doing? That’s Morse code for stop.” Click, click. Click, click. Click, click, click. Instead of stopping, he guns the gas. I go so far back, I feel my underwear waistband flip up. [audience laughing]

That’s not the scariest experience I’ve had in a vehicle. When I was a kid… one time, my parents let the four oldest boys in our family take the station wagon to go bowling. It’s a true story. Mike is our oldest brother. He was like 17 at the time. And there was Pat and Dennis and then me. I was like 9. I’m in the back. [grunts] We were late, and Mike said, “I told Mom and Dad we’d have the car back at 9.” And I was like: [mumbles] “Is that a moon?” [audience laughing] I’m 9. He’s like, “They’re gonna be mad.” I was like, “Eh.” I didn’t know what else to contribute. “Do your best under the circumstances.” [audience laughing] That’s what I’d been taught. So, I was like, “Mike, I know you wanna get home quickly, and I don’t know how to tell you, but I have to pee.” He goes, “That’s tough, ain’t it, Brian?” “Yeah.” I never got that reaction out of Mom or Dad. “Oh, we got a new driver. It’s tough.” I said, “Mike, I’m serious. I have to pee.” And he goes, “Deal with it. Deal with it, Brian.” “Okay. [audience laughing] Mike, I’m having trouble dealing with it. [audience laughing] Do you have a backup plan?” I swear he goes, “Pee out the back window. Pee out the back window, Brian.” My other two brothers go, “We’ll hold him.” [audience laughing] Instead of talking him out of this ludicrous idea… they think it’s worth a shot. So, operation pee out the back gets underway. I get on my knees in the back of the station wagon, Mike’s driving like a bat out of hell, and Pat and Dennis grab on to my belt loops. There’s a secure connection. [audience laughing] So, we all start moving our way back to the back window, this big three-headed blob. I’m thinking, “I don’t believe we’re doing this.” Then I hear that dreaded: [mimics whirring sound] Huh. Now, when we start this process, there are no cars behind us. [audience laughing] So, they hang on, I get out up over the tailgate. I look out, now we’re leading a convoy. And my brothers won’t pull me back in. So, I start peeing. This guy puts on his windshield wipers. [laughter and applause] I don’t know if you’ve ever peed out of the back of a station wagon at 60 miles an hour, but there’s a surprise involved. It don’t go that way. It starts that way a stream, but it comes back a storm front. [audience laughing] It’s this weird auto-aerodynamic nightmare. It’s El Niño for El Niño. And I’m not just peeing on me. I’m peeing on Pat and I’m peeing on Dennis and I’m peeing on the back of Mike’s head. They go, “Quit peeing on us or we’ll let you go!” “I can’t stop!”

You guys are great. Thank you. [cheers and applause] Thank you. You guys are wonderful man. Thank you very much for coming out. I hope you had a good time. I know I did. Good night.

I don’t know what it– I don’t know– I don’t know what it is with people. I’m gonna say that more cleanly. Hang on a second. I don’t know… [speaking gibberish] Hang on, folks. We’re almost done. Two more bits. [audience cheering] Three more bits. I don’t know what it is with people. That’s not that hard to say. All right, gotta do it again. [audience laughing] Where was I? I can’t be standing in a different place. Here. I don’t know what it is with people. [audience laughing] I’m gonna make it an absolute nightmare for the editor. “How the hell are we gonna put that… He was standing… He’s looking into a pink light… No, we need it. We need the transition. He’s…” [audience laughing] You guys are coo– You’re hanging in there. I don’t know what it is with people.

Notes:

1. Tater tots are pieces of deep-fried, grated potatoes served as a side dish. They are recognized for their compact cylindrical shape and crispy colored exterior. “Tater Tots®” is a registered trademark of Ore-Ida that is often used as a generic term.
2. Funyuns is the brand name of an onion-flavoured corn snack introduced in the United States in 1969 and invented by Frito-Lay employee George Bigner.