BRIDGET EVERETT: GYNECOLOGICAL WONDER (2015) – Full Transcript

2018-01-19T14:05:44-08:00 January 19th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Bridget Everett: Gynecological Wonder (2015)

Recorded at Joe’s Pub at the Public Theater

( SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ) I keep a picture of Bridget on my nightstand… because even though I’ve been in over 175 movies… I look at that picture and know that I can do better. I can be better. I can be… Bridget. Every night, when I tuck my little girls in… I tell them, “If you work really hard, and you dream really, really big… “and you stick with it, one day when you’re big, big girls… “if you’re really lucky… “you just might be the next Bridget Everett.” Do you know how much I’d like to suckle on Bridget’s titties? So much. I am vegan, and I would like to suckle on Bridget’s tits. I want to suckle those titties. You ever seen a raccoon in a garbage? That’s me… with Bridget’s pussy. I’m gonna suckle that titty Chardonnay. Fucking drink it all up. The garbage is Bridget’s pussy and I’m the raccoon. I don’t care that I’m lactose intolerant and I don’t care who knows. I want those titties. I just love cabaret. If Jesus Christ were alive today, he’d have great tits… he’d be singing cabaret and his name would be Bridget fucking Everett. Bridget. Bridget. Bridget. ( PHONE VIBRATES ) Oh, shit! ( ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ) My baby! Boy, it really is windy out here… but it is expected to get increasingly windy as the night goes by. That concludes part seven of our– Excuse me, my water just broke, you filthy, fucking cunt! ( CROWD CHEERING ) ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Ladies and gentlemen, Bridget Everett!

♪ Everybody better freak the fuck out ♪ ♪ The Bridge is coming down She’s turning it out ♪ ♪ No one can tell where that woman’s been ♪ ♪ But she’s smiling in the night Her mouth filled with sin ♪ ♪ So get ready and hold your man tight ♪ ♪ Because a bitch is fucking hungry she’s ready to bite ♪ ♪ Her legs are burning The lion will scream ♪ ♪ Little boys everywhere living the dream ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck it up ♪

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to Joe’s Pub! My name is Bridget Everett. Some of you may not know me, but you will not fucking forget me! I’m coming here tonight to get drunk and talk about love… whatever the fuck that is! I hope you’re ready, honey! Because shit is about to get ridiculous! That’s right, honey, I’d fuck anything… even you. Ladies and gentlemen, my mother couldn’t be here tonight. But if she was here, she would tell you that there are three things in life that matter. Living large, loving large and Barry fucking Manilow! Yeah!

♪ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck some shit up ♪ ♪ We’re gonna fuck yeah We’re gonna fuck yeah ♪ ♪ We’re gonna yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck some shit up ♪

What’s up, everybody? Anybody freaking out right now? Yeah, you should be! Oh, shit. Let me just clear up a couple quick things. Bridget, you wearing a bra? Nope, don’t need one! Next question. What the fuck? What the fuck is about to happen? You don’t know and neither do I! Hey, honey, hi. You guys been to the show before? And you’re sitting in the front row? You sick bitch. All right, let me just sit down for a second. I was just recently diagnosed with shortness of breath. You ever seen a pussy before? Oh, shit! You like feet? Yeah? That’s cute. I got two. All right, ladies and gentlemen. I know a lot of you, you look up here… and all you see is a classic, all-American beauty Bridget Everett. But I gotta tell you, it wasn’t always like this. When I was a little girl, I was real fucked up looking. Like for a while, I had just one front tooth… and my brothers back in Bryant called me Fang, right? So I joined the swim team to get some dignity and some self-respect. And I was good, and the better I got, the broader my shoulders got… and then they started calling me Lurch, that guy from the Addam’s Family. You call me that in the street, I’m gonna cut your dick off, okay? Thank you so much. And then, my nipples came in. Like not my tits, just my nipples. And they got everybody at school calling me Little Nippy Titty. So, I ran home, it was a Friday night. I remember, because I was watching Dallas and the Dukes of Hazzard, right? And I’m sitting on the couch, and I’m crying. And my mom, she looks at me, she says, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.” She said, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Nothing.” And then she slid her hand down the back of my pants. Like not in a fucked up way, but because I got real soft skin, you’ll see. Then she said, “Bridget, what’s wrong?” I said, “Well, Brock and Brian got everybody at school calling me Little Nippy Titty.” Do you know what she said to me? Do you know what she said to me? She said… ♪ Ooh don’t you cry ♪ Then she said, “Come with me, let’s have a drink.” She said, “Bridget, you’re a woman now. “You gotta stand tall and be proud of what your momma gave you, do you hear me?”

♪ You got the little nippy titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ She got the tube sock titties she put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ I got these beaver tail titties I put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got them low-ridin’ titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the Tic Tac titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got them ding dong titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got them baby soft titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the mouse trap titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the health insurance titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ Bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ You got the rubber ducky titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the ding dong titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the hammerhead titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ You got the it’s your good night titties ♪ ♪ Put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the nah nah nah put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ You got the flapjack titties put ’em in the air ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ And we bounce bounce bounce we bounce bounce bounce ♪ ♪ You got the Wu-Tang River sing peach pit titties ♪ ♪ Tic Tac Crackerjack Champagne jamming titties ♪ ♪ Ding dong New York City Just want titties ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ We put ’em up ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ We put ’em up ♪ ♪ Put ’em up put ’em up put ’em up ♪ ♪ And then we bounce ♪

I’m just gonna do a quick costume change. Now, a lot of people come to this show… and they worry about the Tender Moments, my band… because they don’t get to see much, you know? But this part… is for them. Is there anybody here tonight that’s in love? How about you two with the matching sweaters from the Upper East Side? Are you guys in love? See, the way I always thought it would be was like… every morning you wake up, right? And she gives you a little kiss and your heart purrs like a little kitten, is that right? Every morning. And then like, if you wake up feeling all fat and shit… he says, “Don’t worry about it, baby. You still got great tits.” Is that right? And when you make love, he knows not– not just when, but how hard to choke you, am I right? Me? Yeah, I’ve been in love, too, thank you for asking. The year was 1982, she’s a very pretty girl. She was, um, a little Downs-ey, but I like that shit, you know. Her name was Jeanine… Jeanine the Machine and– Nobody would talk to her, you know, so I sat with her at the lunch table… and played Two Square with her and tetherball and all that bullshit, you know. And my friends Stephanie and Ilana, they were pissed. So I thought, you know what? I want to have a sleepover, a little slumber party, old school. It’s 1982, that’s the kind of shit people used to do back then… when they fucking cared about people. So I have everybody over there, we’re in my basement. And the mood was, um, I’m just gonna say, you know, RFC… real fucking chilly. Nobody was looking at anybody, nobody was talking or anything. I thought, “You know, let’s play a little game of ping pong.” Who doesn’t like ping pong? Everybody likes ping pong. You guys like ping pong? Everybody likes ping pong? So there we were. It was Stephanie and Ilana versus Bridget and Jeanine. Stephanie slammed a ball right into my little pooter right here… but I caught that motherfucker. Just– That’s when this thing still had a little spring left in it. She sits down her paddle. I dropped the ball. She says, “Hey, Bridget, how about a game of truth or dare?” I said, “I’m about it.” So I sit everybody down. I freshen everybody’s drinks. Stephanie looks at me, she says, “All right, Bridget, truth or dare?” I said, “Dare, bitch.” she said, “I dare you to take Jeanine into the closet and French kiss her for 45 seconds.” I said, “No problem.” So I take Jeanine by the hand, I walk her into the closet. And I do what I do. And I gotta tell you, her tongue was so sweet… it tasted just like a green apple Jolly Rancher. And up until that point, I’d never made love to anybody… other than my brother, but this shit felt nice, you know? So we’re laying there in the closet, you know? And I can feel that little fucking Jolly Rancher on my tongue. I’m holding her little TST… her little tube sock titty. I lift up my dress and I say, “Hey, I wore these for you.” “You want to touch it?” She said no. Hit the track. Are you sure?

♪ Say what you want babe when you look at me ♪ ♪ Say what you need baby I’m on my knees ♪ ♪ Say what you want baby when you look at me ♪ ♪ I’ll give you everything you’re gonna need ♪ ♪ I can’t read your mind no girl I ain’t got no crystal ball ♪ ♪ But if you get on your knees and you sing out to the little woman ♪ ♪ I’m gonna give you what you need ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and won’t you come to me ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and come and get it from me ♪ ♪ I said come and get it come and get it ♪ ♪ Come come come to me yeah ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come come to me ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ ♪ I’ve been watching you baby every single day ♪ ♪ I’ll keep watching you baby Don’t you walk away ♪ ♪ Ain’t no question baby Where you gotta be ♪ ♪ I’ll take you every place You need to be ♪ ♪ You got all the ladies standing in line ♪ ♪ Trying to kiss the ring ♪ ♪ But you got a woman here who knows what you need ♪ ♪ Welcome to the land of the free ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and won’t you come to me ♪ ♪ Won’t you come and come and get it from me ♪ ♪ I said come and get it come and get it ♪ ♪ Come come come to me Yeah ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come come to me ♪ ♪ Come on ♪

Open wide. You remember me? You want to go for a ride? Come here. Hop on. Hop on. Hop on. Ladies and gentlemen… you know what they say? They say memories, you never know when you’re gonna make one. Jeanine, are you ready to dance for me? Are you ready to dance for me? Sure. You ready? You ready? Help her out! Here we go!

♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪ ♪ Come and get it come and get it come come comes to me ssh ♪

Give it up for Jeanine! I’ve been pregnant many times. And even though I never carried one of those babies to term… I still consider myself a wonderful mother. Hold on, I have a surprise for you. Uncle Adam? Thank you so much. My friend Amber came over to my house one time. She said, “Bridget, what’s with all the dolls?” I said, “Those aren’t dolls, those are my babies.” Thank you, Adam. This is Olivia. Here, hold my baby. Well, a few weeks ago, it was my birthday, right? You know, it was a big one. And, um, Mommy was getting a little cranky around the house. So my kids, they said, “Mommy, you gotta get out of the house.” I said, “Okay.” So, I left Saturday morning, and I got home sometime Monday night. I can’t tell you what I did, but I know I had a real nice time. Anyway, Tuesday morning I wake up, right? And I can smell smoke. Are there any mothers in the house? Okay, good. What’s the first thing you think of when you smell smoke? I’ll tell you. Where are my babies at? So I look to the left, right? I look to the left, and there’s Precious in her jar. And then– The twins were over there, the red-headed twins were over there behind the couch… but I didn’t see Olivia. And then I remembered that Mommy came in a little hot Monday night, you know. I don’t know what Olivia said, she might not have said anything… but I put her in time-out, you know? And she’s such a good, little girl, that she stayed there all night long. But Mommy never came and got her, because Mommy was drunk. And by the time I found her– This is a cautionary tale, you’re very pregnant. By the time I found her, her little legs had buckled… and her face had melted to the radiator. And she looked at me and she said, “Mommy, is it bad?” Ssh. She said, “Mommy, is it bad?”

♪ Who’s got the sweetest eyes ♪ ♪ You do ♪ ♪ Who’s got the brightest smile You do ♪ ♪ Every day is Sunday when I’m spending it with you ♪ ♪ Doesn’t matter where we are I need you ♪ ♪ Darling you make the stars shine brighter ♪ ♪ You make the birds fly higher ♪ ♪ You give the sun its fire Who you do ♪ ♪ Darling you make the angels sing and you are my everything ♪ ♪ You make the choir swing Oh you do ♪

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Olivia always had the sweetest, little singing voice. I mean, it’s not the same now that she’s got this little shit stain on her face. It’s like when your cousin did all that cocaine for all those years… and his nose slid off his face. Now when he talks– She’s a very brave, little girl, ladies and gentlemen. She never likes to miss a show. Here, hold my baby. This one’s for my little girls. Get ’em up on their feet and take them around the room. Put her hands up. Put her hands up. Fellas, are you ready? We’ll do that tight little chorus. ♪ You make the stars shine brighter ♪ ♪ You make the birds fly higher ♪ Get off your feet and walk my fucking baby around the room, motherfucker! Just because you dumped your load all over town… and don’t take responsibility for a woman’s baby… doesn’t mean you can’t take responsibility for my baby tonight! ♪ Darling, you– Put your hands up, everybody. ♪ Darling you ♪ ♪ Baby ♪ I know a lot of you look up here… you’re like, “Man, there’s a woman that’s really got her shit together. And you’re right. I got great tits. I got the voice of an angel. And I got a pussy. I got a pussy. I got a pussy that’s– that’s so soft… that when you’re inside it… It feels like you’re sliding up and down a stick of butter. Do you like butter? Everybody likes butter, right? Everything’s better with butter. It’s like you’re always at the movies. That’s right. Duh-duh… Some people are like, you know, “Bridget, you drink too much. But I don’t drink ’cause I have a problem. I drink because it’s fucking delicious. And I know that some of you got problems. I mean, I look around the room and I see some really fucked-up looking people here tonight. Jeanine, if you weren’t before, you are now. Do– do you have a family? Do you spend the holidays and shit with them? You know you don’t have to, right? Just kidding. No, I love my mother. I’m a momma’s girl. And a lot of what she told me… brought me here to this stage tonight. Right? She said, “Bridget, always eat before you go out to dinner… “so you don’t embarrass yourself.” Check, done. Number two, your father’s a prick. Check, done. And number three– now go home and tell your baby this tonight. She said, “Bridget, a woman isn’t really a woman until she tries anal.” Hit the track! This song goes out to anybody with a pussy! And I’m not talking about a vagina! I’m talking about a pussy!

♪ There he was just a standing on the street ♪ ♪ With them lazy blue eyes was he lookin’ back at me ♪ ♪ I said boy where you goin’ Don’t care where you’ve been ♪ ♪ You want to drink fucking love It’s a win win win ♪ ♪ I can tell by the way you walk what you’re gonna do to me ♪ ♪ I can tell by the way you talk You’re gonna give it to me ♪ ♪ So please take my number I’ll tell you where I live ♪ ♪ Gonna leave the light on Give give give ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ Hot sweet and sticky like Mrs. Butters worth ♪ ♪ Lick your fingers stick it in and get your money’s worth ♪ ♪ You’re a big, tough daddy with a loaded gun ♪ ♪ Whip it out slap it down and let your motor run ♪ ♪ I’m gonna let it let it rip to the tippy tippy top ♪ ♪ Shit starts poppin’ there ain’t no way to make it stop ♪ ♪ Oh what I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Dance break! ♪ This kitty is hungry give her her bowl ♪ ♪ Pop into the center of this Tootsie Roll ♪ ♪ I’ll say one more thing and then I’ll be done ♪ ♪ Put your– ♪ In my hot brown bun ♪ Everybody! ♪ What I What I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Let me hear you! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Just the ladies! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Your turn, fellas! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Ladies, show these motherfuckers how it’s done! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Everybody! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ I can’t hear you! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪ Last time! Cut the track! ♪ What I what I What I gotta do ♪ ♪ What I gotta do to get that dick in my mouth ♪

Your mothers love you, New York City! Did you get any good shots with your camera over there? Okay. I want you to have a Christmas card. Okay. Anyway, I just want you to take a look around the room, okay? Look to your left and look to your right. and know that I’m about to give somebody the cunning gift… that you’re never gonna forget. Ladies and gentlemen, you can call it making love. You can call it having sex. But somebody’s getting fucked tonight. Hit the track. Dr. Jason. ♪ I’m coming like a cheetah when she sees her prey ♪ “‘Cause it’s hunting season every single day ♪ ♪ Oh you’re smooth like butter and I’m fucking like a kitty

♪ ♪ You got me wet like the rain ♪ ♪ Pouring on the streets of the city ♪ ♪ My name is Bridget and I’m here to say I’m gonna make you my baby in every way ♪ ♪ Take baby home and put you to bed ♪ ♪ Pull down them pants and give you head ♪ ♪ Slap you in the face and get on top ♪ ♪ Ride that thing ’til the wheels come off ♪ ♪ Pound that thing and spit on you too ♪ ♪ That’s just what a lady do ♪ ♪ Can you hear me coming ♪ ♪ Can you hear me coming Can you hear me coming ♪ ♪ I’m coming for you I’m coming for you I’m coming for you ♪ ♪ I’m coming for you I’m coming for you ♪

Cut the track! Cut the track! Cut the track! Cut the track… cut the track. Cut the track… cut the track. What’s up, Mr. Giggles? I was wondering if it would be okay if I sang you a song. Would that be okay? Okay. Would you go sit on the stool in the middle of the stage? You know why I like you? You know why I like you? You know why I like you? You remind me of Jeanine, you remember Jeanine? You’re like a little Downs-ey, a little. Let me ask you a quick question. Let me ask you a quick question. What kind of dick you got? Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. Let me guess. You got one of them two-tone motherfuckers, is that what you got? You got a little two-tone dick, hmm, hmm, hmm? Pink on top, brown on the bottom, is that what you got? You whip it out, it looks like a Benetton ad? Is that what you got? Hmm, hmm, hmm? Little peppy boy, hmm? No, that’s not it. That’s not it. Maybe you got one of them B-Double-Ds. You got a B-Double-D? You know what a B-Double-D is? Hmm? A Baker’s Dozen dick? Hmm? That’s when that shit is like 13 inches and it’s so big… you can’t get the flag all the way up the pole. So when you’re laying on top of your baby momma… it’s like you’re taking a dozen down comforters and trying to stuff ’em in a dorm room dryer. Is that what you got? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no… no, no, I know, I know, I know. You got a little COC up there, don’t you? A little can of corn, is that what you got? Got a little can of corn up there, don’t you, baby doll, mm-hm. And I don’t know if like– if you’re into like the culinary classics, you know? Like peanut butter and jelly, bacon and eggs, ham and cheese… fucking potato and sour cream, whatever the fuck it is. You know… nothing tastes as good as corn… and a little pad of butter. You like that, Larry? Because, Larry, I’m a dreamer, and I know you’re a dreamer. We’re all dreamers here, we’re living in New York City. Right? You gotta be a fucking dreamer to be here. Right, Larry? And everybody in this room, everybody here is waiting… for cabaret to catch fire, it may, it may not, we don’t know. In my dream, Larry… my dream is to play Madison Square Garden. But you know what? That may never happen. So here’s what I want you to leave here with tonight, okay, Larry? I may never play Madison Square Garden… but I am gonna sit on your face. t the track.

♪ Hey old friend ♪ ♪ Come sit with me ♪ Excuse me. ♪ Don’t be lonely tonight ♪ ♪ Oh please take my hand ♪ ♪ We’ll dance under the moon ♪ ♪ As slow as we can ♪ ♪ Stay right here until the night is through ♪ I’m in demand. ♪ ‘Cause there ain’t nothing in this world ♪ ♪ For me and you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Please stay with me ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, put your candles in the air! Hold me. Larry… ♪ Oh I don’t care if tomorrow never comes ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight old friend ♪ ♪ You’re the only one ♪ ♪ So please take my hand ♪ ♪ We’re gonna dance under the moon yeah ♪ ♪ As slow as we can ♪ ♪ We’ll stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Til the night is through ♪ ♪ ‘Cause there ain’t nothing in this world ♪ ♪ But me and you ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ Lay down, Larry. ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight you’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ Put your legs up, Larry! Let’s fly! ♪ Yeah yeah yeah ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight ♪ ♪ You’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Won’t you stay with me yeah ♪ Yeah! Give it up for Larry, everybody! Take a bow, Larry. Thank you, have a seat. ♪ Won’t you stay right here ♪ ♪ ‘Cause tonight you’re all I need ♪ ♪ Won’t you stay with me Yeah ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, the Tender Moments! Mike Jackson! Matt Ray! Carmine Cavelli! Adam Horowitz! Thank you, Joe’s Pub! Goodnight! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you. You weren’t exaggerating. You really do feel like butter. Yeah? You like that? Mm, yummy. ♪ ‘Cause we’re living the dream and we ain’t gonna stop ♪ ♪ We’re living Yeah we’re fucking living ♪ ♪ We ain’t gonna stop ♪

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