ELLEN DEGENERES: THE BEGINNING (2000) – Full Transcript

2018-01-10T17:30:03-08:00 January 10th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Ellen DeGeneres: The Beginning

Ladies and gentlemen, please, welcome Ellen Degeneres.
Thank you, thank you.. Thank you very much. Yeah, woo… This is a very emotional night for me, you have no idea, ehm or maybe you do now. This has been quite a journey for me and… to lead to this night, because since I made the decision to come out three years ago… Easy for you to say, yeah… My life has been very interesting the last three years. And I knew people would maybe want me to talk about it, some people may not want me to talk about it,… and I went back and forth trying to decide should I talk about it or not. Ultimately I’ve decided: NO, I don’t want to talk about it. It has been talked about enough… How can I even, what would I say? I feel it would be best expressed… through interpretive dance… “HEY EVERYBODY, I AM GAY!”
So, that’s what happened… It is interesting, because… being down there, and I know a lot of people have been down there, it doesn’t matter, what the reason is, and it is a very symbolic thing, it’s a mental thing… when you are down there, there are times, you do not believe you will ever… ever get up again. It’s a scary place and it’s very dark… But I believe that is when you grow the most, when you face your fears. That’s when you grow. So I have decided, I am gonna face every fear I have. I am gonna challenge myself every opportunity I get. People always try to make you feel better: There is nothing to fear but fear itself. OK, great, now I am scared of fear, thank you very much, wasn’t before. I also decided to get rid of the need of approval… That is a strong addiction, need of approval, isn’t it? I am on a patch right now actually, it releases a small doses of approval, until I no longer crave it, then I’m gonna rip it off. Cause if I make that decision to get back on the stage, I thought I cannot worry, what people think about me.

There are things that need to be said that I will say… I will… I know, a lot of people don’t want me to say them, cause people think once something has stayed a certain way for a certain amount of time, leave it alone, don’t change it. But I think, things need to change… and I will point them out to you tonight I will say these things.
For instance: Do we still need directions on the back of a shampoo bottle? Oh yeah, I’ve said it… Whose shampooing for the first time? Anybody? And if you are, you can’t read anyway. You’re like a wild crazy ape person that has been raised in the wild by monkeys or wolves or something nurturing that would raise ya. Reptiles won’t raise you, they don’t even raise their own young, Don’t expect them to raise you. Those monitor lizards don’t even look that dangerous, but those tail’ll whip around, slapping your head and break your neck. So if you are in the wild, try to catch the eye of a monkey or a wolf or something like that… Don’t look them directly in the eye, that is threatening to them actually… Just sideways, if you walk next to them, and kinda glance… Actually, if you are lower, that is even less threatening… just… Don’t smile, if you show your teeth, that’s also threatening. So say some hikers find ya… you know… That is a big find; if they find a crazy wild ape person, they’re gonna bring you back to civilization certainly. But they’re not gonna just throw you in the shower and expect you to know how to shampoo your head… They’re gonna shampoo your head for you… And then you would mimic that. That is how you survive so long in the wild by mimicking things… So who needs the directions on the back of a shampoo bottle? And it is not bad enough there are directions, there is a 0800 number on the back. In case the directions are too vague for you. Rinse and repeat, but how many times? To be the only thing to be more pathetic than calling the 0800 number is working at the 0800 number. Alright, let’s go through this again, shall we? Right… I am gonna stop you,… did you wet your hair first? You’re welcome… That’s my job. Thank you… Thank you for holding? It’s about the size of a quarter in the palm of your hand? No, can’t be two dimes and a nickel… No, can’t be three nickels and a dime. What, cause it can’t spread out that way… that’s why… then you just rinse and repeat… Oh my… How old are you? You should repeat seven more times then. What a fascinating story… What did you survive on? Nuts and berries or what? Wolves? MY GOODNESS… And they just nuzzled you?! Aaaw… No, I can’t help you with the conditioner, you’re gonna have to call that line on your own.

I’m fascinated by animals… all of nature fascinates me.. You ever watch ants? You have the kind of time like me? It’s for a while there. It’s interesting, because if you watch them… they’re always in that long single-file line, if you notice that… They’re always in that single-file line, they don’t have to be… There are no lanes painted for them they were forced to stay in… They can go anywhere on the ground that they wanna go, but they stay in the line. Don’t you think, there has got to be the one ant, that asshole ant in the back, just filled with road rage back there, just… “Common, let’s go!” You’ve ever noticed, sometimes an ant will pick up a dead ant and walk around with that dead ant carrying that around? That’s to get into the car-pull lane to pass up that line. I’m pretty sure. And we kill them like crazy… Just any kind of way, we can kill ants, we kill them… orange soda, any kind of liquid will do… just kill ’em… cause the smaller something is, the easier it is for to kill it, cause… we don’t see their little expressions right before we’re killing them…

It’s true, we’ll just kill anything.. Fly gets into the house.. kill it right away! Kill the fly! What’s wrong with us? What is the matter with us? We’ve named them, they’re called HOUSE flies, that is their name. They know, where to be… You don’t see a horse fly trying to get it in there… they’re on a horse sw, they stay on the horses… Flies are amazing, they are inside… They’re flying all over the place until they find a mirror, you noticed that? They find a bathroom mirror and they are there for about an hour… they don’t move… I think, it is cause they think, they’ve found another fly. They’re having a conversation with that fly: Thank god, I thought I was alone… You look very familiar. I am very attracted to you… You’re a good listener.. OK, here is the deal: I think there is an open window, you go tell the other flies we’ve have found a house, I’ll wait here… Go, I’m gonna wait here… Alright, I’ll go… Hey, you wait here… Don’t come with me! Are you mocking me? Stay very very still! There comes that human! Finally, she’s gonna read that Greenpeace newsletter. Why is she rolling it up?

I don’t like to kill things, I really don’t, I’ll try not to kill st, if I can avoid it, I’ll get it out of the house. People like to kill things, a spider gets in, whatever, kill it… I will take a piece of cardboard and I’ll try my best to get it out of the door, if I can… anything, that is in the house. Not anything, let me qualify that… If it’s a burglar, I’m not gonna take a piece of cardboard… OUT, OUT,… Sir… Sir… OUT! If a spider gets in the house, people wanna kill the spider right away. Spider doesn’t know, you don’t want it in there. It’s not like you posted signs all over the place: “KEEP OUT SPIDER” Which to me would be very arrogant assuming they only speak English… But our ego tells us, we are the only ones that have any kind of feeling, we’re the only ones with the relationship, we’re are the only ones with family. You know, I think that if you kill a spider, there is a relationship that you are ruining. There is a conversation going on outside with the other spiders: Did you hear about Chris? Sneaker… And now Stephanie has 900 babies to raise all alone… She’s got her legs full, I tell you that, right now… Chris was so kind, wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s just been though for them lately, they just lost their web last week. Those humans think, they are so smart… Let them try shoot silk out of their bottom, see what they could make. It’s true.

Admit,… if you look at a spider web, that is magnificent to me… Look at a spider web and see what they can do. Look at a bird’s nest and see what that is… At least nature uses every single thing they’ve got… We don’t, we’re capable of so much more and we just don’t use it… You know that Nelson Mandela quote: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,… our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us… “Bla, bla, bla,… ” whatever he says.. It’s true. They say we use 10% of our brain… 10%… Imagine, what we could accomplish, if we used the other 60%… do you know, what I’m saying? I like to think I am smart and I am constantly reminded just… left and right, that I am just not as… smart as… Every single time I drive my Toyota Land Cruiser into an underground parking structure, I duck… every single time… Don’t trust it… I am loosing my mind just slowly the older I get,… I am doing things that are starting to scare me, like I’ll be walking out of the house, I’ve just had a banana, so I’ve got the banana peel in one hand my car keys in the other hand… I go to the trash, I throw my car keys away and I walk out with my banana peel. Constantly doing things like that… I forget people’s names all the time.. that’s a REALLY bad one for me… People I totally should know, too. They are coming up to me at a party night I just start panicking and I have to do that fake-out thing: I am sorry, remind me again, how do you pronounce your name? [‘kath-ee], ok… So the emphasis is on the first syllable… [‘kaeth-ee] For some reason I was gonna say [kaeth-‘ee]… Look at you… I have a hard time staying focused for long periods of time… That’s… I try,… I really try… I do… Somebody is talking to me and I’m there as long as I can possibly hold on. and then I just driiiift off… I don’t know, where I go, but I’m not here, just the mouth moving in front of me. Have no clue, what it is, they’re saying… Then I realize I am gone and I don’t know, how long I’ve been gone. So I start to come back… I just catch the word “leotard” and I am like “what the… ” and I’m back… And I am wondering, if they know that I was gone and I am back… cause my facial expression has changed so drastically… So I try to play with it like what it looked like before, so it wasn’t so… Still I am not listening, cause I am worried about my facial expression and what that’s looking like. Then I totally go off again, like: Is it everybody I talk to, is everybody boring, or is it me, do I have ADD? If so, I’m sure there is some kind of clinic, or some place I could go get tested for that… to find our for sure, but who’s got that kind of time and patience to… call them up and make an appointment and find out where they’re located, drive down there and take a test… sit around and find out the answer… I know I have ADD, cause I don’t have the patience to go and find out, if I have ADD. It’s like people, who take Ginkgo Biloba every day. If you can remember to take it every day, you DON’T NEED IT! So anyway… so now I am back and there is that space… that silence… they’ve clearly finished talking… And you’ve no idea, what they said… So you have to do that fake-out thing… That is not good enough, they’re still kinda staring at ya… Do, what I do, if I can help you out, I am pleased to do it, cause I know, it’s an awkward situation for all of us… I always say something about Gloria Estephan… I’m telling ya, it works, if you commit to it… She can work in any conversation you can possibly… It could be like: “Whats that got to do with copper plumbing?” And you’re like: “Gloria Estephan is the copper plumbing of the music industry. ” I mean, look at her, she’s beautiful, durable, reliable, indestructible. Look, how she came back after that bus accident, are you gonna debate me on this? And do that, that brings it on home… I think people talk to much anyway… talk, talk, talk… Sometimes people’re talking and in my mind I’m like: “Shut up, shut up,… ” “bla, bla, bla… ” Right? People are sc… alright… Now you’re with me… People are scared of silence… Aren’t they? You find silence, people always have to fill it with st. The world is so full of noise. It is so hard to find silence. I believe that silence is golden. It is the one thing I hold on to. It is where all of our answers are. It is, where our truth is, our passion,… our path,… our everything. All of the answers are in silence, if you can find it. I was outside not too long ago, I tried to meditate. I closed my eyes. And I got to that still place,… that everybody talks about. Just for a moment, but I was there. And the first message that I got… so strongly and so clear was… we are all one… Every living thing, we are all connected. The next thing I felt was this little tiny thing in the palm of my hand… there is this little mosquito in the palm of my hand, this little prehistoric-looking creature… this strange bug… And I’m thinking about, what I just thought, I look at this thing… then I just killed it… and then I went back to my lovely state of being… the next thing I heard was: “Would you like anything else or will that be all?” told the waiter I was meditating, “idiot, thanks a lot for interrupting… ” He wouldn’t get any tip, I’ll tell you that… It took him forever to get that veal anyway, so… I decided an outdoor coffee was not the place to be spiritual, people are too rude and stupid… So I left… I started walking to my car… which was like three blocks away… because the parking situation is crazy… cause the world overpopulated with the wrong kind of people… and back to the loving place… so I am walking and I see my car, and I see a meter-mate standing at my car… writing a ticket… and I’m like: “Oh, please, wait, stop, please don’t write the ticket, I am here. ” and she’s like: “I am sorry, but you’re parked illegally in front of a fire-hydrant. ” and I like “Oh, illegally in front of a fire-hydrant. ” And she is like: “Please, stop talking to me that way. ” And I am like: “What way?” It was fun… and so… I said: “Please, be compassionate,… ” don’t give me the ticket, I’m here… and she said: “Oh, I’m sorry,… ” I’ve already started writing, I can’t stop. Oh that’s how, you’ve already started writing, so you can’t stop… OK… Well,… I would not like to hit you, but my fist is already in the air, OK? and back to the loving place. So I get in my car, and I lit up a cigarette and prayed to where I would be lead… and I heard: “Drive!”, it was her… And I’m like: “Alright… ” So I start driving… It is so hard to drive and be compassionate and loving. Cause the way people drive… it’s just enough to… I’m telling ya… I was behind sb, they were going so slow… I could had gotten out of my car and walked around it going. Sorry to have to pass you, but you’re going a little too slow. Anyway, so I went to go around them to give them the I-hate-you look. How else are they gonna learn?! It’s up to us… so… I went to go around them and it was… a nun… can you believe that?! I was like: why don’t you take a vow no to drive… drop it like a bad habit. …and back to the loving place and… again praying to where I would be lead… Then I see a health-food store just right there, appears right before my eyes. That seems spiritual, I have never been in a health-food store before… I don’t know, if you’ve ever been in a health-food store, but hey, if this is healthy, sorry, don’t wanna be it. Oh, I aspire to be you… uhm… They are so proud of themselves, too… Guess how old I am! I don’t know… Guess how old I… 30? I am 16, but the point is I’ve never had diary… OK, whatever,… They think they know it all. Let me see your tongue.. What? Let me see your tongue… You’re full of toxins. I said: “You are full of toxins, what a stupid thing to say to me?” I needed a herb… for st inside, I mean like a spleen or something that is inside… Cause st needed st… because of st that happened… and so… they do this thing called kinesiology… they put the herbs in your hand and if your arm goes down, you need that… which is so… stupid,… it sounds stupid, but but it’s not, it works, I tell you what, because last week I was in Gucci,… and I had a sweater in my hand and it went right down. Couple of minutes earlier I had a dress in my hand and it didn’t go down at all… Don’t need it… So anyway, so then he said… he, she… I don’t know, what it was… It’s name was Earth Spirit… Was that a boy’s name? Earth Spirit is all like: “You need some wheat grass juice. ” And I was like: “Wheat grass juice, do I need a sprout wrap, too?” He said: “Youre aura is brown.. ” I said: “Youre aura is brown, what a stupid thing to say to me?!” We’re gonna have to call the security guard… Oh, the health-food security guard, what is his name? “Whispering Pine”? Why, is meat breath offending you? So anyway, they kicked me out, I left… and… So I’m driving again… back to the loving place and praying to where I would be lead.. and then it hit me: You’re out of rum… If you’re quite, it’ll come… So I went to the liquor store and… no parking ever, you know,… so I had to park across the street in some parking-lot, because again… you know… wrong kind of people… So I am going to liquor store getting the rum and a pack of smokes… and some rolling papers… Peace! So I come out and go to my car… Parking attendant standing right next to my car He wasn’t there, when I got out… parking attendant standing right there Oh, you can’t park here for that establishment. You must go in here and purchase st and get validated… I said: “Please, be compassionate, idiot. ” “No, you have to go in here… ” Anyway,… it looked like a spiritual type place: It was called “Pleasure Chest”, or st like that.. Some type of toy store, I would guess… unsafe toys… cause I’d been playing with some of them… this pogo stick is going to hurt sb… I don’t know… who… is gonna.. it’s bad… on your back… and it’s… not sturdy… so… that’s what I was thinking.. Anyway… I had to get st… and it was getting late.. I didn’t wanna deal with the traffic and have to get into the car-pull lane. So I bought a blow-up doll, which they had… I don’t know, if I didn’t blow it up properly, or… Anyway, it was deflating, it was loosing air… that’s the… And so, I had to pull over on the side of the road and… why they put the valve in the crouch area, I don’t know. It’s silly… it’s what it is blowing up… So there I am on the side of the road… Linda… I named her… That’s when there is a knock at the window… and it’s a cop of course… And I thought, OK… This does not look good at all.. And it does not help matters any that I am naked.. Now, I’ll tell why that is.. Well, if you are going to buy a blow-up doll,… before warned that they do not come with clothes… I don’t know, what that’s about, but there is no clothes or anything… You can’t ever dress them up… So I thought, I am not gonna look like a crazy person, driving around with a naked passenger. I am not STUPID… So there I am NAKED… Well except for the harness, but forget about the harness… and the captain’s hat and the paddle and so. There I am on the side of the road getting handcuffed… in my harness and a captain’s hat and a paddle holding Linda… and the cop said: “You have the right to remain silent. ” I was like: “Finally, that’s what I’ve been… ” looking for all along… It is hard to find the silence, isn’t it? just hard.. Even when it’s silent, it’s not silent… Even at night, when you are trying to go to sleep… just quiet.. Your head just doesn’t stop, Your brain just goes and goes… ?all these nuns, equator; fragmented, weird thoughts? that just pop in you head, that is when you find at how boring, YOU actually are. It’s just you, just your thoughts… you’re trying to go to sleep all of a sudden I like grapes. That was a good restaurant, we went to today. That was some good tuna salad. Not too much mayo… I should start making my own tuna salad. Silly to go out and pay for st, I can make at home. I should have ordered st I don’t know how to make… like eggplant and parmigiano… or st like that. I’ve never really liked eggplant, but the parmigiano sounds interesting. I think I left money in my pants. If it’s a one I don’t care, but if it’s a twenty I wanna get that out of there. It’s fun to find money though, that’s fun… You’re not really finding money, it’s your money… I got to remember that… money in the pants, money in the pants… What’s in the pants? Money. Money in the pants… em ‘n’ the pee, em ‘n’ the pee,… Ah, now I have to pee… I just peeded, I don’t really have to pee, I just think I have to pee… If I don’t pee now, I am gonna get up in the middle of the night… and gonna be mad, I didn’t pee now… Now, I am not gonna wake up to much… I am just gonna keep my eyes closed and pee with my eyes closed… Get back in bed, that is when the weird images start, that is the next phase, just these images… Giant olive,… what? Cloris Reachman’s face How come? And that’s when the song starts… and you cannot stop the song or anything… The more you try to stop the song… the more the song goes over and over again in your head… just… Bye Manan.. Stop it! Please, stop! Bye Manan… Stop it! Please! Shut up! Shut up! And then you hear: “Shut up!” Who’s talking? And that’s when you realize, that it’s you inner child, just playing with you… just talking back and forth to you… Cause you don’t play with our inner child anymore… so your inner child is wide awake and just wants to play… and here you are negotiating with you inner child that night… Please, I have a very busy day tomorrow,… Oh, please, I have a very busy day Bye Manan… Stop it! That’s why people are so angry and grumpy and ragefull all day long, cause their inner child has kept them up all night long.. and their exhausted and their inner child is just sound asleep now… That child doesn’t go anywhere… we still have that child in us, each one of us has that child… that we need to play with every day and we would sleep better… I don’t know what happens… but somewhere along the way we just get so jaded, we loose that joy, and that bliss, when you look in a child’s eyes they’re happy with just about every single thing Just watching them learn, how to walk. Their eyes are just… they can’t believe they’re walking. they’re so excited that they’re walking and just that’s so happy for them… and then we get older… I got to walk… No, I’ll get it… We lose that sense of play that we should all… I don’t know… Why do we stop playing games? Just go to a total stranger tomorrow on the street… Just go to them and touch them: “You’re it!” and just run away… It would be so fun, you know! Maybe they will here? just do it back to you. Just try it tomorrow.. Have a giant game of tag going on the street all the time Everybody playing with their briefcases and backpacks… walking along,”Who’s it?”, “Ugh… You’re it”, “No, you’re it!” At work just play,… when your boss comes in looking for you just play hide-and-seek… just duck behind the desk… What are they gonna do? Fire you? Was just playing hide-and-seek… I… Children are so amazing, they just remind you of how simple things should be… I have a godchild that is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.. my godchild, she’s an angel… she’s just a little precious… just… ray of light… she’s two… or six… I don’t know… but she is… Kids have fun so easily… You are on a plane and there is a kid in front of you… a two-year old… or a four-year old… peek-a-boo… that’s all they need… they don’t care about in-flight entertainment or anything. peek-a-boo is enough for them, just to make them giggle. all it takes for you to make a little kid just giggle is go: “Boo!” and then they duck down, they’re so excited… they never get tired of that game though… They will play from here to Paris… they just… A couple of hours in, you’re trying to end that game… I don’t know… my imagination is… that stops me… sometimes… when you’re a kid imagination is fun. and nobody tries to stop you. When you get older, all of a sudden you use your imagination to keep you from doing things. At least for me… like… I wanna do st and I’ll just think… oooh.. what if? You know that thing? Let’s say for instance: I am out of cheese, ok? And then I’ll think: Oooh, but what if… I go to the store and they’re out of cheese? I’d be like:”How can you be out of cheese?” and they would be like: “What do you mean like, how can we be out of cheese. ” “You’re out of cheese, people run out of cheese. ” Then I’d be like: “Yeah, but you’re a store… ” you should have cheese stocked up in the back, for people like me… coming in looking for cheese… and that is when they send the manager over, who thinks he is so cool for being a manager. Cause his picture is framed in front of the store, cause he is the manager. and he would be like: “What seems to be the problem, MA’M?” which to me is so condescending as”little lady” and I’d be like: “The little lady’s problem… ” he’d be like: “Who is the little lady?” I’d be like: “Shut up and listen to me… ” You’re out of cheese and I want some… He’s like: “How about some cottage cheese?” Like he is gonna negotiate the situation, he is a diplomat. He is the manager… And I’d be like: “I don’t want cottage cheese… ” I want cheddar cheese… sharp cheddar cheese is what I came in for. Sharp cheddar cheese and cottage cheese and not the same thing. Just cause they have cheese in the title, doesn’t make it a cheese at all. It would be like going to a music instrument store, “and say I’d like to buy a trumpet and they’d say:” “I am sorry, but we’re all out of trumpets, but would you like a shoehorn?” See, that is not the same thing, Mr. Manager “Thank you for the shoehorn!”… You know… He starts getting all nervous and everything cause a crowd has formed… and then he starts feeling humiliated, cause their all sitting around and mumbling. What seems to be the problem? I don’t know, she wants some cheese. and so he just slaps me right across the face. And so… that’s when Skip, the part-time guy, who works there, who hates the manager… cause he thinks he is so cool for being the manager… and treats Skip like shit, cause he is just a part-time guy. Skip is gonna quit on the phone and go back to school anyway. He doesn’t even need the money, he is from a wealthy family, he’s just doing it for the experience, cause his family wants him to work on summer. So anyway, he takes the hose and he goes to spray the manager right in the eye. but that’s when he is leaning down to pick up the cottage cheese. So he misses him and get the old woman who’s standing right behind him, she’s there picking an avocado, cause the older you get the less you eat. And all she wants is the avocado… So she screams out: My eye, I’ve been sprayed in the eye with a produce hose. That is when her nephew, who is visiting from Austin, Texas… is two aisles over picking out tortilla chips… cause he thinks they are gonna have some guacamole.?it’s one avocado. and so he start running: “I’ll help you, aunt so-and-so!” running and then, when he is running down the aisle… he slips on the water from the produce hose, break his leg, breaks his arm, bruises two ribs right there… gets a stitch put into his cheekbone, just one, but it’s still a stitch chaos breaks out… it is all over the Hard Copy and Entertainment Tonight, Access Holywood Lesbian Demands Cheese, Causes Riot I don’t even want the cheese… To me the key to being fashionable… and I’ve been interviewed on this hunderets of times… is standing out, but fitting in… that is what it is.. You don’t want to wear st too wild… that sb notices and is kind of freaky, you know but you also don’t wanna wear some outfit that someone could have exact same thing on when you show up at the party. That’s embarassing.. I don’t know, if it has happened to you, but it’s happened to me twice… Both times, it was William Shatner and I’ll tell you st… I think, I look better in the tubed top and I’ll say it… I don’t know, I dress kinda boring… I don’t care… I don’t go for the trendy stuff I don’t unders… sometimes I think, the fashion designers are just trying to see what they can get away with… You know, they come up with some of these things and I am just looking at them like I’m talking about the sarong and sari which is the same thing… I think, and if not, I am so wrong and so sorry, but… There was a time, there was the dressing room. You could walk into a door, there were a whole door… and you could close to door and you could try on clothes… and cry… or whatever you do in a dressing room… But you had a door. There is no door any longer… You go to try and close ’em… the door is just getting higher and higher up… and lower and lower down You’re trying to get undressed behind a 2×4 back there… People can the underwear going down around your ankles… I don’t know about you, but I always take my underwear off no matter what I’m trying on. Just a habit really… That’s so the salesperson can get to you. cause they couldn’t before… for the door, they’d just be on the outside of the door: “Can I get you anything, you need anything, everything alright?” “How is everything? Can I get you anything?” Now they can just poke their head in: “Can I get you anything?” “How is everything? Everything alright?” Rollin’ upside down on their little car mechanic?(car creeper). I said, I would call you, Rachel, I don’t need anything. Scoop… Booa, they check on you a lot, don’t they? What could be going so wrong, that they need to check on you that often. “MY BRA IS IN MY ASS!” “RACHEL!” I’d like to see how far they’ll go to help you, if you tell them your bra is in your ass. “Oh my, it’s in the ass?” Do you need a different size or color I don’t know what to do… about the bra in the ass.. I’ll get the manager, I don’t know… And they have taken the mirror out of the dressing room. So you are forced to walk out to take a look at yourself. So they get another crack at you, to tell you, how you look. Cause you don’t have opinions of your own. That looks fabulous… Really? Yes, your ass looks fabulous… That is how they get you. They tell you, your ass looks good, you are buying it. That blouse, makes your ass looks fabulous… Is that your bra? Well, it makes your ass look fabulous. The ass is such an important thing, that we check out our asses like crazy, when we try on clothes… ?check out our ass, our entire facial expression changes. We make the ass face suddenly, it is that kind of… That’s my asssssss… And that’s my ass that way… I’m gonna walk away, and that’s my ass… We don’t make the ass face, when we are at home… naked, looking at ourselves in the mirror… Totally different face then… ?that there? I am amazed by people, who are just so comfortable with their nakedness… it doesn’t matter, what they look like… they’re just totally comfortable being naked. I love that… I mean, I… I admire that in p… I think that people… that are like the ones most compfortable being naked… are people, who videotape their sex… You gotta be so confident about your body… videotaping your sex… Because, no matter, how much your partner loves you… in the heat of everything, stuff is moving so fast… and going on, you know… You’re watching it back on video tape, you’re risking your partner going: “I never saw that before!” “Have you seen this on yourself right there?” I don’t know, I just… feel like… People, who videotape their sex there is only one of two reasons that you’re doing it cause, either you are so egotistical… you’re looking at it together going: “Look at us!” We are hot! Look at us, look at us… Look at me, look at me… Look at you, look at me again, look, look, look… Look at me, you Or you are looking at it together like football players to try to improve for the next time… to get better, you know… Alright, let’s take a look right here, shall we? OK,here is what I’m talking about, see how your elbow is up so high? and your back is arched right there? Not the best time to do it, I think I’d hold on with that until… THERE… that is when you do it, right there. And what’s going on right here? What’s up? What is happening right there? Huh? I’ll tell you: nothing… A lot of energy, a lot of energy… Look at my face! Nothing going on! You might wanna check in once in a while. I know I am biting my lip, it’s to keep from laughing. Where did you come up with that little techniq? Did you make that up? I thought so. Don’t do it! Don’t cry! Come on! This is how we learn… Let’s go, get back in there and try again, come on! What do you mean, you are not in the mood? I don’t know, I don’t understand a lot of the stuff that people are into. But I do believe, that everyone has the right to do, whatever they wanna do with their bodies. If it makes you feel good, do it. It is your life… It is your body… Two contending adults… I just don’t understand a lot of it. Like people who are into the Mile High Club? Wanting to have sex in the bathroom on the b… I don’t understand that, I have questions! How do you even have room to fit two people in there to have sex? I barely have room to have sex in there by myself. I have to leave the door open a smidge cause my leg has to be like that… That’s how I like it! Sex… that’s a… boy, that will separate you… You tell sb what you are into… and people are: “Uuh, you like that? You are weird!” That separates people like crazy, when you talk about sexuality. Very interesting, we have this huge debate going on right now… about same-sex marriage. There are people, who are against it, there are people, who are for it. and the people, who are against it some people say: Marriage is a union between a man and a woman… it’s always been that way and it should always remain that way. if we change it and it’s between two people of the same sex. then, what is next? Someone could marry an animal? That’s where they go to right away. These people scare me… And they think, we are weird. I don’t wanna marry a goat, I really don’t I can’t imagine marrying a goat, I can’t even imagine dating a goat. Getting to the point that you’re so serious to make that kind of commitment Till you’ve lived together for a while to figure it out and see of you are compatible. I am just picturing the apartment with you and the goat. Photographs all over the place. You and the goat on the beach running holding hands… You and the goat with the 4 for 1 photo strip Sunday morning, you’re trying to read the paper… It’s trying to eat it… Don’t you eat that section, I haven’t read that, yet. Don’t you eat, don’t you eat, come here… Love you, you… goat. I think that would be a though day even for the most liberal parents the day you bring the goat home. Mom, dad, this is Billy… We are in love… If you don’t like st, say you don’t like it, say you disapprove of it. say, it’s your opinion, that you don’t like it… or it’s wrong. Everyone’s got a right for their opinion. I fully believe that. But when people bring God into it and say: God says this, God wants this, God believes that… I don’t know, how you do that. I don’t know, how you speak for someone else, because until you are sitting with someone and hear it for yourself with your own ears… out of someone else’s mouth it’s hard to speak for someone else That’s what I believe… I have learned in this business to not believe anything I read or hear until I sit down with that person and hear it for myself. That’s one of the ? of this business. You get to meet a lot of interesting people. and you get to have a lot of interesting conversations. I’ve been lucky enough I’ve met the president, and Oprah, and Madonna, and lot of people and so… it was a matter of time before I would met God and I have. What a day that was! I will tell ya something, this was magical for me cause I was invited over to God’s house one afernoon… for a fondue and chablis. Normally, I don’t like chablis, but it was nice, it was dry… with a peppery oak aftertaste. I’m getting ahead of myself, anyway, so… I get up to God’s house. As I am pulling up, Jeniffer Love Hewitt was just leaving. She is sweet… So I go in and I’m sitting in God’s living room… and I’m waiting… It’s bright in there, let me tell you that. Every lamp was on, crazy, crazy bright in there. So I’m sitting there and I’m waiting. And I started thinking… Wonder what he is dressed like… I wonder, if he’s wearing that robe all the time. Because I feel like that about the Pope like once in a while, don’t you think he throws a pair of shorts and a tank? Chillin’ out… Then I start thinking: I wonder, if I am dressed appropriatelly to meet God. I don’t know, how you are supposed to dress… and then I realize, God’s seen me naked. I just took my clothes off. So I’m looking around the living room and in front of me there is a coffee table with two magazines on: Teen People and Guns and Amo. A poster of a kitten on the wall: Hang in there, baby! Pictures of Jesus EVERYWHERE… I mean You can’t even believe, how many pics of Jesus there were. Picture of Jesus on a pony with a cowboy hat. Picture of Jesus on a beach with the T-shirt that said: My parents created the universe and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. I was getting nervous, I’m gonna meet God… and just a minute, I don’t even know, how to greet God. Do I shake hands? Do I courtesy or do I bow? Do we hug? I feel close enough to God. To hug God, but I know, many people want to hug me because TV does that. But I don’t want to hug a lot of these people. It’s just trying to be respectful. A couple of minutes later, God walks in the room carying a try of fondue and chablis. I would say, she was about forty-seven, forty-eight years old… Just beautiful, beautiful black woman. We just immediately hugged… she smelled so good,… she said, it was Kelvin Klein’s Obsession. We sat down and started drinking the chablis and talking about the weather… what was gonna happen to it. I was asking different questions, a bunch of questions… I was just curious about. What is the hardest thing about being God… She said, trusting people… You never know, if people really like you… Or if it’s just cause you’re God. People always want st from you. they want money and they want more money… that’s what they ask a lot, nobody ever thanks anymore. The only people, who thank, are boxers and rappers. Rappers are singing songs like: “Slap the bitch up the ass. ” I’d like to thank the Lord Almighty for this award… Praise Jesus… Nobody cares about the miracles anymore. Miracles just go by unnoticed. I said: “What was the last miracle?” and she cried… she was upset that I had to ask. It’s the toilette that flushes automatically. Before that it was the George Foreman Grill cause the fat just dripps right off… So anyway, I guess, it was the chablis, or st, but I’d loosen up enough to say: God, I have to admit, I really felt alone a lot, I felt like you didn’t exist, I didn’t believe in you for a time. She said: “Do you remember that day you were walking on the beach… ” I said: “Yeah. ” She said: “I was there. ” I said: “There was just one set of footprints though. ” She said: “I was on your back… ” I tought I felt a heavy that day. I thought it was water retention. No, that when you’re bloated… I am there… That comforts me… I’m not gonna bore you with everything we talked a lot of stuff… she told me the meaning of life and stuff like that… but anyway. I was leaving, I was walking out the door, and I turned around and I said: God, I have to say I am sorry. I am so sorry that we are killing all the animals. I am so sorry that we are chopping down all the trees. I am sorry that we are filled with hate instead of love I am sorry that we call each other names and judge each other. I am sorry that we go to war and kill each other. I am sorry. and she was silent for a few seconds. Then she looked at me and she said: Have you seen Gloria Estephan’s hair lately?

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