MAZ JOBRANI: IMMIGRANT (2017) – Full Transcript

2018-01-10T00:17:31-08:00 January 9th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Maz Jobrani - Immigrant (2017)

[Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power” playing] ♪ Swingin’ while I’m singin’ Givin’ what ya gettin’ ♪ ♪ Knowin’ what I know ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Maz Jobrani!

♪ We’ve got to fight the powers That be ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ We’ve got to fight the powers That be ♪ ♪ As the rhythm designed to bounce What counts is that the rhymes ♪ ♪ Designed to fill your mind ♪ ♪ Now that you’ve realized The pride’s arrived ♪ ♪ We got to pump the stuff To make us tough ♪ ♪ From the heart, it’s a start A work of art ♪ ♪ To revolutionize, make a change Nothing’s strange… ♪

What’s up, D.C.?! Oh! Oh! Kennedy Center, how you doing? Whoo! Whoo! ♪ Fight the power, fight the power ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ Oh, my God. This is amazing. I don’t think Public Enemy ever thought someone would be dancing Persian… to “Fight the Power.” ♪ Fight the power, ohh ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai Ohh, oh-oh-ohh ♪ ♪ Ohh, lai-lai-lai ♪ Whoo! Oh! I am excited to be here. This is a dream come true. I’ve been wanting to shoot a special in Washington D.C. for the past 20 years, since I started doing standup. I swear to God. And it’s happening here. I’m excited. I’m excited. It’s so cool. And I love D.C. It’s so diverse.

When I start my shows, I always want to see who’s in the audience. By applause, where’s my immigrants? Immigrants, by applause. Let me hear you. Yes! My people! My people! Immigrants. Immigrants. Non-immigrants. Let me hear the non-immigrants. You’ve been here several generations. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Thank you for coming, white people. Thank you. You made it official. Thank you very much. What’s your name, white man right there? What’s your name? – Ed. – Ed! Thank you, Ed. Thank you. Ed got the license, we showed up. This is so cool. I’m an immigrant, too. I was born in Iran. I grew up in America. Where’s my Iranians? Let me hear the Iranians. Yes. Yes. Ed, I knew they would be here because it’s part of the nuclear deal. They have to show up. Yeah. Thank you for coming, Iranians. Where’s my Arabs? Arabs? Yala, habibi! Yala, yala! By the way, white people, that’s how you get Arabs. If you’re looking for Arabs, go… They volunteer. They have to. I could totally work for the TSA. I would find Arabs all day long. I’d trick them. I’d be like, “Take out your liquids, computer and… Right here. Five. I got five. I got five.”
What kind of Arab are you guys right there? You. – Syrian. – Syrian! Thank you, Syria, for coming! Yes! Thank you! Yes! Syrians are welcome here. You’re welcome. We love you. We love you. That’s right. That’s how we roll. Thank you. This is amazing. Any Indians in the house? Indians? Yes! Look at you guys. I love you guys, too. I love you guys so much, I married one of you. Yeah! Yeah! Well, there’s a billion of you, so odds are we’re gonna marry you. It’s either them or Chinese, you know? Any Chinese people in the house? Chinese? Thank you, Chinese lady! You’re gonna have to up your game. There’s a lot more Indians than you now, so you might want to, you know… – What’s your name, Chinese lady? – Stephanie. Stephanie. What a very Chinese name. Stephanie. Such an ethnic name. What other backgrounds? Who else is here tonight? Where? – Pakistan! – Wait, stop. Pakistan, don’t yell like that. Take it easy. This guy. Haven’t you been watching the news? Pakistan. Pakistan! Aah! Okay. – What? – Azerbaijan! – Azerbaijan? And what were you saying? – El Salvador. El Salvador, Azerbaijan. Together for them, right now. Okay.

Guys, Netflix is international now, so we’re gonna keep going till we hit every country. Listen, the reason I was asking all this is because I want to make a point. There’s a lot of people that come from around the world that come to America, we’re immigrants, and we love America. We come, we love America. Right? People need to know. There’s a lot of anti-immigrant sentiment right now. People need to know that we love America. We come here for a reason, and we contribute, by the way. We contribute to America in many ways, right? We contribute… with business and intellectually, in many ways. Even culturally, we contribute. I’m about to contribute to the American culture right now. You ready? I’m gonna teach you something. This is an Iranian thing that we do. I want you to take it. Now you can use it. Ed, if you’re ever singing a song, and you get stuck in that song, I’ll teach you how to get out of that song. If you don’t know the lyrics to a song, all you gotta do… ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ Yeah. It’s an Iranian thing. It gets you out of any song, Ed. Any song. Like the song “Fight the Power.” If I didn’t know the lyrics… ♪ Fight the power Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ “Lai-lai-lai” works! It could be any song. Ed, you could be singing “Itsy Bitsy Spider” to a kid. You get stuck. You go… ♪ Itsy bitsy spider Went up the water spout ♪ ♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ That’s it! “Lai-lai-lai” is a great way out of a song. Guys, if I ever sing the national anthem at a baseball game, you’ll know when I’m stuck. I’ll be at the baseball game, at the Washington Nationals. ♪ O say can you see ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai-lai Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai, lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai-lai ♪ ♪ And the home of the brave ♪ Yes! That’s right! That’s how I will sing the national anthem. And then I will be deported.

Oh, my God. Speaking of being deported, Trump is president, and… Yeah, I know. I still can’t believe it. Every time I see him talking, I’m just waiting for him to go, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” You’d be like, “Oh, my God, it’s been the longest sketch ever. Wow!” Oh, my God. I gotta tell you, I know some of you might’ve voted for him. I know that some immigrants actually voted for Trump because they wanted fewer taxes, but they ended up with fewer relatives. Yeah. That happens. I’ll be honest. When the whole Muslim ban thing… people were saying Muslim ban… they asked me, “Are you afraid?” I go, “I’m not afraid personally of the Muslim ban.” Because the honest truth is I’m really not that religious. I was born in Iran, but I’m not really religious. I’m not really Muslim. I’m more like Muslim-ish. You know? This is how Muslim I am: I could play a Muslim in a movie. You’d go see it, you’d believe it. You’d go to a movie, you’d see me on the screen. “Allahu Akbar!” “Oh, he’s good. Look at that. Wow.” “He speaks the language. Wow. He’s… He’s fluent in Muslim-ish. Wow.” But the honest truth is I’m not that religious. If I were really Muslim, I would have to fast during Ramadan. I don’t fast during Ramadan. I couldn’t drink alcohol. I drink alcohol. I would have to pray five times a day. I don’t pray. The only time I pray is if I’m almost in an accident. And then I just go, “Oh, Jesus!” Yeah.  Yeah. Yeah. It’s the wrong God! It’s the wrong God! I just say, “Oh, Jesus,” because it’s faster. “Oh, Jesus!” “Oh, Muhammad!” Takes too long. Takes too long. Takes too long. Yeah. If you go, “Oh, Muhammad,” you’re gonna get in the accident, you’ll be in the ambulance, on your way to the hospital… “I should’ve gone with Jesus.” You know what I’m saying? I’m just saying. I’m just saying.
So, I wasn’t too worried about the Muslim ban personally, but my cousin Majid… that guy is screwed, okay? He’s a real Muslim. He prays five times a day, fasts during Ramadan. Like, he’s gotta go, you know. No, I didn’t say it, Trump said it. He’s gotta go. I love him, he’s a nice guy, but he’s gotta go. I’m just saying, if the FBI shows up at my house and goes, “Are there any Muslims?” I’d be like, “Yeah. Majid.” I’m not gonna lie to the FBI. Actually, guys, it was kind of sad, because, like I said, I’m Iranian and my wife is Indian, so our kids are all colored up, and… it was very sad. When Trump won, my little six-year-old girl came up to me. She was scared. She goes, “Daddy, am I gonna get deported?” Yeah. And I said, “No, baby, you’re not gonna get deported. You were born here. You’re not gonna be deported. But Cousin Majid’s gotta go. You might want to say goodbye.”

You know, as a comedian, it’s been really hard to keep up with Trump, because he says so much crazy shit all the time. It’s been really hard. I swear to God. Listen, I don’t know if you remember… a little while ago, he was doing a press conference, and I actually was watching. I felt sorry for him, he was doing the press conference, for no reason, he decided to volunteer some information. Nobody asked him. He just decided, “By the way, I just want everyone to know that I won this election with the most Electoral College votes since Ronald Reagan.” And the reporter goes, “Sir, actually, Barack Obama had more Electoral College votes than you did.” He goes, “Okay, fine. But I won with the most Electoral College votes for a Republican since Ronald Reagan.” And the reporter goes, “Sir! Actually… George Bush Sr. had more Electoral College votes than you did.” He goes, “Fine, I won with the most Electoral College votes for a Republican in this election. Can we agree to that?” I wish that’s what he would’ve said. What he actually said was, “Well, someone told me.” Who told you? Some guy in the bathroom? What the hell? Was he in the bathroom? “Hey, by the way, you won with the most Electoral College votes since…” “Can I go tell the world? I want to go tell them that.”
Guys, I was watching that. I felt sorry for him, because I realized he’s not qualified to be the President of the United States of America. He just is not. He is not. And listen, let me tell you something. Listen. That’s not to poo-poo on him, okay? None of us are qualified… No, this is the Kennedy Center. Two of you are qualified. But most people are not qualified to be the President of the United States. This is the most important job in the world. It’s not the managerial position at Carl’s Jr., okay? And it’s the only job where people go, “You know what? I want an outsider. I want someone who’s never done this to go in there and give it a shot, see what happens.” You don’t hear anyone ever be like, “I want a surgeon who’s an outsider. Someone who’s never operated before. Someone who will take my left eye and put it in my right eye.” That’s who we have as president right now. Just not qualified. I have a feeling when he had his first intelligence briefing, I can imagine him saying something like, “Wow! There’s so many countries!” Couldn’t you imagine that? He’s like, “Wow. Malta’s a country? Really? I thought that was an ice cream. You mean Madagascar is not an animation movie? What?!” The only place he seems to know is Mar-a-Lago. Every week, Mar-a-Lago, Mar-a-Lago. How much time is he gonna go…
And he keeps sending Jared Kushner, his son-in-law, to the most dangerous places in the world. I think he’s trying to get rid of his son-in-law. I swear to God. Every week: “You go to Iraq. I’m going to Mar-a-Lago. You go to… Yeah, you don’t need a vest. No bulletproof vest. Go over there. I’m gonna go to Mar-a-Lago.” It’s a mess, and we’ve seen it, and part of it is… Listen, guys, it’s like, uh… we saw it with the travel ban. That was so poorly done. I gotta admit, as an Iranian-American, I was offended by the travel ban, because the fact is, they were trying to sell it to America, saying that it was for America’s safety, to keep terrorists out of the country. And none of the countries on the travel ban had committed an act of terror in America. Right? Yeah, and then they had the balls to introduce Travel Ban 2.0. Like it’s an iPhone update. They just… I was so upset.

I was watching TV, and Kellyanne Conway was on TV, and she was trying… No, listen. No, of course. Yeah. Yeah. How do you really feel about her? Listen, I was watching her on TV, and she goes, “It’s just a little bit of an inconvenience at the airports. It’s not a big deal. After September 11th, when there was further scrutiny at the airports, I did not mind being scrutinized, because it was for my own safety.” I wanted to shake her and go, “It’s not just a little inconvenience.”
Because I heard the real stories. As an Iranian-American, I was getting the real stories. There was families being torn apart, people that needed medical attention that couldn’t get it, weddings being canceled, all kinds of stuff. And I got so upset, I went down to Los Angeles International, LAX, and I protested. I went down to the protest. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I gotta tell you guys, if you haven’t protested, you should. It’s so much fun. No, find any protest, you just go down and you march. It’s so much… I swear to God. He’s been president… every weekend, I find a protest. It’s great. No, you just go down there, they give you cookies. It’s delicious. And it’s good exercise. I’ve been getting really good exercise. People go, “You been doing Pilates?” I go, “No, I’ve been doing Trump-ates. Just do Trump-ates, Trump-ates, Trump-ates.” Guys, I was excited. I went down to LAX, and I was marching. We were all marching, some guy comes up and goes, “Bro, this is the most amazing thing in the world. This is the most diversity I’ve ever seen in Los Angeles.” And I go, “Bro, that’s because we are at the airport. People are literally flying in from around the world as we speak.” He’s like, “But there’s Asians.” I go, “That’s because AirAsia just landed! You think everybody shows up at a protest with luggage? What the hell?” There was some poor Korean guy. He was just trying to cross the street. This guy: “Excuse me, excuse me. Yeah, excuse me. Yeah, I know. Trump must go, but so must I! I have to… I go to Disneyland, please. Excuse me.”
Ed, let me tell you something I learned at the protest. White people born in America protest differently than people of color and other people not born in America. We were down there, all marching together, everything’s going fantastic. We’re marching, moving forward. And then suddenly the riot police came out, and I was like, “Oh, shit. I’m just gonna go protest over here for a minute.” But the white dudes did not care. They’re just, “Out of my way, copper. Here I come. It’s my right. Here I come, copper. Out of my way. It’s my right.” He was just walking. “It’s my Third Amendment, my Ninth Amendment.” He knew the amendments! “It’s my 45th Amendment right.” I was in the back. “There’s 45 amendments?” I swear to God, I saw a white guy with his finger in the face of the riot police guy, just waving his finger, and the riot cop had his hand on his baton, ready to go. He was waving. I’m in the back. I’m like, “Calm down, white guy! You’re gonna get us in trouble!” The Mexican guy: “Now’s a good time to go to the bathroom. Feet don’t fail me now!” Guys, I was so scared at the protest. I’ll tell you how scared I was. I took my passport to the protest. Yeah. Who takes their passport to a protest? Immigrant. I wasn’t gonna get deported. If the cops stop me, “Officer, I’m with you. God bless America. God bless you. Make America great again, Officer. Officer, I’m with you, but my cousin Majid… you can have him if you want.”

My God. As you can tell, I’m a Democrat, I’m liberal, but I have Republican friends. I love you no matter what side you’re on, whether you’re Democrat, Republican. If you’re Republican, I love you. Even though you did what you did, I still love you. Election night, I was at a party with a lot of my liberal friends, and when Hillary lost, my liberal friends were devastated. They were crying. They were devastated. And I, too, was devastated, but not just because she lost, but also because I donated $1,000 to her campaign. So, as I was watching her lose on TV, I’m like, “This bitch… just lost me $1,000! You mean I didn’t have to donate $1,000?” Don’t get me wrong. I’m not such a baller that I just donated $1,000 out the gate. No. I donated 250 because I felt that’s what I could afford. That was my civic duty. It was done. But any of you, if you donated to either side, you know how it works. They email you a week later asking you to donate again. So, a week later, I got an email: “Maz, thanks for the 250. But if you give us 250 more, you’ll put us over the top. We’re gonna win this shit.” I’m such an idiot. “Honey, I just got an email from Hillary Clinton. She said 250 more, they’re gonna win it. It’s on our shoulders.” I fell for that shit four times. Who’s the asshole now?

I still remember that night. Oh, my God. I was shocked. Everybody was shocked when Hillary lost. Trump was shocked when he won. He didn’t expect to win. Go look at the video of when he comes up on the stage when he wins. Watch how slowly he walks. He can’t believe we voted for him. He’s like, “Are you sure? They voted for me? After all the shit I said, they voted for me? Really? Oh, my God!” I actually don’t think he wanted to win. I don’t. Yeah, I’m telling you. I’m serious. He’s a megalomaniac billionaire businessman who likes to tweet. He didn’t want to win. He was trying to say crazier and crazier stuff, hoping we wouldn’t vote for him, but we voted for him.
I knew he wanted to lose when he came out and said that Barack Obama was the founder of ISIS. Remember when he said that? “Barack Obama is the founder of ISIS.” Then the next day, he goes on a conservative radio show, and the announcer tries to help him out. He goes, “Sir, do you mean that Barack Obama’s policies led to the creation of ISIS and therefore where we are right now?” And he goes, “Nope. I mean Barack Obama is the founder of ISIS.” I was watching that. I’m like, “This motherfucker’s trying to lose!” Oh, my God.
But people voted for him. Again, some of you might be here. The number-one thing I heard a lot of Trump voters say: “I love him because he says what’s on his mind. He just says what’s on his mind. He just says what’s on his mind!” You go, “What are your thoughts on his policies?” “I don’t know about his policies. He just says what’s on his mind.” I thought that was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard till I went to visit… Yeah, seriously. I thought that was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard till I went to visit my mother, my own mother. Iranian lady. She had fallen for the line. My own mother. She goes, “Maz, I like this guy because he say what is on his mind.” I go, “Mom, are you crazy? He’s anti-immigrant. If he becomes President, your relatives can’t come to visit you.” She goes, “I don’t like them anyway.” She goes, “Maz, he say what is on his mind so I don’t have to say what is on my mind… which is, ‘Stop visiting me, you cheap bastards! What am I, the Air-b-and-the-b?'” Right?

A lot of immigrants like Trump. A lot of immigrants get in this country, and they don’t want any more of them coming. I was in an Uber with an older Armenian guy. This guy loved Trump. Barely spoke English, but he loved Trump. Whole drive, he was trying to tell me what a great politician he is. He kept saying what a great “politic” he is. The whole drive, the Armenian guy: “Donald Trump, number-one politic. Very good politic. Number-one politic. Very good number-one politic. Number-one very good politic.” Finally, I go, “Dude, he’s anti-immigrant. You’re an immigrant!” He goes, “Yes, but I’m here. For me, good politic. For my cousin, not good politic. Very bad.” I go, “You got a cousin Majid, too?”

But no matter what you say about Trump, you have to admit he does say what’s on his mind. He does say what’s on his mind. Like when he said, “If you want to pick up women, you gotta grab them by the pussy.” Yeah, I know. I didn’t say it. He said it. I know. I got so upset, I went to my mom. “Mom, did you hear what your guy said? He said if you want to pick up women, you gotta grab them by the pussy.” My mom goes, “Reminds me of your father. May God rest his soul. And his hands. His very busy hands.”
Guys, think about it. This is now part of our presidential political history. It’s gonna be in the books. Our kids will have to study it. Our kids are gonna study. John F. Kennedy said, “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” And Donald J. Trump said, “Grab them by the pussy!” Yeah! It’s in the books. And then the next day, his supporters: “It was just one pussy. What are you all… The pussy was there, he grabbed it. What are you gonna do with a pussy? You’d grab a pussy, too! Wouldn’t you grab a pussy?” He himself came out and said it was “locker room talk.” Guys, in my 45 years as a man, none of my friends have ever told me that that was the move. I thought maybe that’s why I wasn’t getting laid in high school. I didn’t know that was the move, you were supposed to walk up… “Hey, Gwen, how you doing? What’s going on? What a beautiful day. I got you, Gwen! Don’t move. I got you. Yeah. Yeah. Got you by the pussy. It’s like Capture the Flag. I got you right there. Capture the Flag.”

We’re living in crazy times. Because here’s what it is: Trump needs to start taking responsibility for his words, because his words have meaning. They do. They do. They do! He says stuff, and there’s been a rise to racism, there’s been a rise to hate crimes, a lot of anti-immigrant sentiment out there. He needs to take responsibility, because the things he does emboldens racists. There was that guy in Kansas who went out and shot two Indians, and then went and told someone that he shot two Iranians. Got the wrong people, but he still… whatever. It’s crazy. And then the Arabs, forget it. You guys, don’t even… Don’t speak Arabic on an airplane, or you’re not going anywhere. You know what I’m talking about? Even before Trump was president, did you hear about the Iraqi guy who was on a Southwest flight going from LA to San Francisco? He was on the phone, speaking Arabic to his father on the phone. Passengers overheard him, kicked him off the plane. You heard about that, right? You’re nodding. What’s your name? – Isa. – Isa. You heard about that, right? This poor guy was just walking down the aisle, Arabic on the… Just walking down, like… “Halamaha, halamaha, halamaha.” That’s not Arabic, but that’s what it sounds like. He was just going, “Halamaha, halamaha, halamaha.” Isa, does that mean anything… “Halamaha, halamaha”? Am I getting close? How about “Hala, alamahala”? Is that closer? I feel like I’m saying something. “Halamahala!” This poor guy, just going, “Halamaha, halamaha.” I’m not sure if that’s how he was walking, because that’s not very threatening. If he was going, “Halamaha, halamaha, halamaha.” The passengers would be like, “There’s a gay Arab dude… sashaying down the aisle. He’s just going, ‘Halamaha, halamaha, halamaha. Chanel No. 5. Halamaha, halamaha.'” I’m telling all my Arab friends, do not  “halamahala” on a plane. Because “halamahala”  is not flying. You “halamahala,” you’re gonna end up on a bus. Not sure where you’re going.

People are afraid of immigrants. And if you watch Fox News or any of those networks, you, too, will be afraid of immigrants. Oh, my God. I tried to watch a half an hour of Fox News. I was afraid of immigrants. Guys, I swear to God, there’s so much death and destruction and Armageddon on the… There’s a lady… Judge Jeanine Pirro… Oh, my God. This lady is always screaming at the TV, like, “The end of the world is coming.” And she’s really upset and angry. “Yeah, here we go…” I tried watching once. She was freaking out. She has this digital American flag behind her. She’s like, “The Mexicans are gonna take our jobs, and the Muslims are gonna kill us, and we’re gonna get eaten by sharks. We’re gonna get eaten by Mexican Muslim sharks! With the Zika virus!” I was like, “Aah!”

You need a break. Guys, the way I take a break: I watch sports. That’s how I take a break. My wife watches the Kardashians. That’s her break. I know, it’s just brain-dead stuff. You know what I’m saying? Like, I don’t pay attention to the… The only time I paid attention to the Kardashians was when Bruce Jenner became Caitlyn Jenner. Right? Remember that? I know some of the Middle Eastern people get uncomfortable when I talk about that stuff. Right now, Ed… “Maz, please talk more about the Trump politics. I don’t want to talk about… Sex change make me very uncomfortable.” Guys, I’m all for it, all right? Anybody that knows with that much conviction that they want to be another sex, good for them. Yeah! I’m serious. That guy knew that he wanted to be a woman, all right? I can’t even decide what to eat for dinner. Ask me, “What do you want for dinner?” “I don’t know. Sushi, Italian, Chinese, I’m not sure.” This guy? “Woman.” Ask me, “Want to be a woman?” “I don’t know. Let’s have some sushi. We can talk about it.” I’m very liberal when it comes to that kind of stuff. Even when gay marriage became legal all over the country, I was so excited. I sent out a tweet: “Congratulations to my gay friends. You can finally get married.” An Arab dude tweeted me back: “Maz, gay marriage is not accepted in our communities.” I hit him back. I go, “What are you afraid of? They’re gonna start proposing to you, you hairy bastard?” Right? You think you’ll be walking down the street, a gay guy’s just gonna jump out of a bush? ‘Marry me!'” Stop judging, man. Take care of yourself first. Right? Deal with yourself first. Oh!

And it’s been positive news for the LGBT community. It’s been positive news for the LGBT community. Yeah. Now, I know right now there’s a group of Persians in the back, they’re confused. I guarantee you someone’s dad does not know what “LGBT community” is. They think it’s a bank. I guarantee you. I swear, right now there’s a guy: “LGBT Community Bank? Maz, I am with HSBC, but I can go LGBT. Is good interest rates?” “LGBT” stands for “lesbian, gay, bi and transgender.” They just got more confused. “He said ‘buy’ and ‘transaction.’ That’s a bank.” He was an Olympic champ, man. I watched the…

My mom was watching the last Olympics when Usain Bolt won. Right? Fastest man in the world. Usain Bolt won. My mom called me up. “Maz, did you see? Hossein Bolt just won.” I go, “Mom, it’s Usain.” “No, it’s Hossein. They forgot the ‘H’.” I go, “Mom, it’s Usain. He’s a Jamaican.” “No, he’s one of us. Hossein. He’s Iranian, maybe Arab. But he’s Hossein.” I go, “Mom, he’s black.” “We have black people! Southern part of Iran, we have black people.” She was… She was trying to take credit for Usain Bolt. You know how much it’s got to suck to race against Usain Bolt? Because you know you’re gonna lose every time. Every one of those guys at the Olympics had to train four years of their lives. Eat right, exercise, do everything right, sleep right, fly to the other side of the world. They show up at the starting line, and Usain Bolt shows up. Every one of them was hoping he would have food poisoning from the night before. Every one… “Oh, come on! This is bullshit!” If I trained four years of my life, ran, exercised, slept right, did everything right, flew to the other side of the world, Usain Bolt showed up, I would do something to get noticed. Something. When the hit the gun, I’d go the other way. Think about it. They would have to interview you. Right? They’d have to come up after the race. “Why’d you go the other way?” “In my country, you hear a gun, you go that way. We have war in my country. Let me come to your country, please!”

Oh, my God. Where’s the guys that are in their forties? Guys in your forties, where are you, by applause? There you go, right there. What’s your name? – Farid. – Farid, how old are you? – Forty-something. – Forty-something? That’s 49½. Farid, I’m 45. Let me ask you a question. When you watch the Olympics, do you still, in the back of your mind, think if you started training right now… that in four years you could compete in one of the events? Do you still have that fantasy? Farid, I have not given up. I still watch. I go, “I could do some of this shit.” I was watching the diving. I go, “I could do the diving.” If I trained four years of my life, every day, I thought I could do it. Farid, I’m not delusional. I wouldn’t start the first day on the high dive, do a triple axel. You know what I’m saying? The first week, I would just bounce. Just one week… Just one week, I’d bounce. Week two: Cannonball. I’d work my way up.
Farid, I got so into it that I actually started doing the research. I go, “There’s gotta be a team that needs a diver.” Not Team USA, because USA always has the best. I thought maybe Iran could use a diver. I actually researched to see what Iran won the medals in last time. They won in taekwondo, wrestling and weightlifting. All individual sports. We can only do individual sports. Yeah. People from that part of the world, Iranians, Arabs, Armenians, Indians, we can only do individual. We can’t do team sports. No, because we don’t get along with each other. We’ll never win the World Cup because we argue with each other. You know what I’m saying? Guys, I’ve played soccer my whole life. Anytime I’ve played on a team with Iranians, we start the game with 11 players, end it with three. And it’s not because the referee gives us red cards. No, we argue and walk off. Every game, there’s a guy: “Pass the ball! Pass the ball! You don’t pass, I’m leaving! You don’t pass the ball, I’m gonna go. You gotta pass the ball!” Every game. And then one hour later, we’re all at a Persian restaurant. It’s a love-fest. One hour later, same guy: “I’m so sorry. Listen, buddy, I love you. I love you. I got crazy. I get crazy. You didn’t pass. I was open. You didn’t pass. I was open. I was open. Open. You didn’t pass the ball! I love you. Next time, pass the ball. For now, pass the kebab. Pass the kebab for now. Next…”

Guys, I got so into this that I actually started watching to see… watched the competition a little bit. I was watching the diving team, and the announcer comes on. He goes, “Diving next for China, Ming Ling Li just turned ten.” I was like, “Shit! I’m old enough to be her great-grandfather.” Maybe I can babysit at the next Olympics. Athletes remind you you’re getting older. Athletes and kids.
Who’s got young kids here? Anybody? There you go. Farid. Right there. Farid, how old are your kids? I have a five-year-old and two-and-a-half. Five and two-and-a-half. Adorable, right? You love them, right? But they’re also the most exhausting people in the world. Those who don’t have kids, let me explain what it’s like.
When you don’t have kids, when a three-day weekend comes up… Monday’s off… when you don’t have kids, you make plans. When you don’t have kids… “My God. Monday’s off? Let’s go to the beach, then we’ll go to a barbeque, and then we’ll go see a movie, and then we can go get a tattoo, and then adopt a pet. Then we go for a hike, then we take a nap, then we go for another hike, but backwards the second time.” You make plans.
When you have kids, first of all, you forget that Monday’s off… until you wake up on Monday and they’re still there. You turn to your wife, like, “Why aren’t they going to school?! Presidents’ Day?! What kind of bullshit is that? How are they gonna become president if they don’t go to school? They should totally go to school.” This is how exhausting kids are.

A little while ago, Los Angeles Unified School District… LAUSD… got a terrorist bomb threat, shut down every school in LA. Every kid in LA was sent home. Every parent in LA was like, “Aah! Shit! Are you sure it’s real? Could we wait and see what happens? I had plans!” Farid, my kids don’t go to public school. They go to private school, so they gave us an option. They said we could either send them to school or keep them at home. I was honest with them. I go, “Guys, Daddy’s paid. You’re going.” But I gave them advice. I said, “You see a bomb, just go the other way.” But I told them, “Go back to Math class. I paid for the full day, though.”
Guys, I did that joke. My eight-year-old son was in the audience. He came up to me after the show, goes, “Daddy, remember that day you sent us to school on terrorist bomb day?” I go, “Yeah.” He goes, “There was only four of us there.” I was like, “Shit.” And he goes, “And two of us was me and my sister!” I go, “Actually, I didn’t want you to go. Your mother wanted you to go. I love you. She’s al-Qaeda. If you see something, say something. That’s all I’m saying.”

I don’t know if you guys remember that. It was crazy. Los Angeles Unified School District got the terrorist bomb threat, shut it down. New York City got the exact same bomb threat on that same day. Did not shut it down. That’s the day I realized, in LA, we are pussies. Soon as we got the bomb threat: “Shut it down, close the schools, lock it up, everyone inside, inside! You want to go in the backyard and play? Just put on some sunblock. We have a lot of sun rays in Los Angeles. You gotta put on sunblock. You want to eat lunch? Okay, organic only, because we only eat organic in Los Angeles, okay? You want some grapes? Can you please cut the grapes? Our kids in Los Angeles don’t know how to chew grapes. You gotta cut the grapes. If you give them a full grape, they just choke. Our kids in LA don’t know how to just… They can’t…”
Meanwhile, New York City got the exact same bomb threat. “Yo, ISIS! I got your bomb threat right here! Right here, ISIS! Right here!” And that was the five-year-old schoolgirls. That’s how they talk in New York City. Guys, I guarantee you, right now there’s a group of Persians in the back… “Oh, my God. He grabbed his balls! I thought he was gonna do political material. Why did he grab his balls?!” Ed, “tokhm” means “balls.” Go for it. Say it. Tokhm. – Tokh? – No. Tokhm! – Tokh. – No. Tokhm! With a “T” and then “khm.” – Tokhm! – Tokhm. – Tokhm! – Tokhm. But quick with the “M”. Not too long with the “M”. You don’t want “Tokhmmm.” That’s something else. – Just tokhm! – Tokhm! That’s pretty good. See? This is a…

This is a learning experience, ladies and gentlemen. Immigrants giving to the culture. Arabs, how do you say “balls” in Arabic? – Baydat! – Baydat! Baydat? Like, “Don’t buy this, baydat.” Arabs are always trying to sell you something. “Don’t buy this. Baydat! Baydat! I give you good discount.” Stephanie, how do you say “balls” in Chinese? That’s a good one. I want to hear that. Teach us. – How do you say “balls” in Chinese? – I have no idea. You have no idea. What the hell happened to your guys’ languages? – Qiú! – What is it? – Qiú. – Chill? – Qiú. – Qiú? C-H… – Q-I-A-O. U-I-A-O? Chuiao! There’s a lot of vowels in your balls. Right? Chuiao! They way you do Chinese: “C”, “H”, “I,” “A”, “O”, “U”, sometimes “Y”. Chuiao! I love it. Chuiao. Chuiao. That’s pretty close. Urdu. How do you say it in Urdu? – Tattay. – What? – Tattay. – What? Tattay! I feel like you have to go, “Tattay.” Tattay. Tattay. Right? Tattay. Someone raised their hand over here. Yes. What language? – Ukrainian. – Ukrainian. Oh, shit. How do you say “balls” in Ukrainian? – Yaytsya. – What?! Yaytsya? Yaytsya? Sounds like they’re shocked to see the balls. In Ukraine: “Yaytsya!” Sign language! Did you just say “sign language”? You got sign language?! Oh, no. Really? This is how you do “balls” in sign language. You win. That’s the best. Show me again. How do you do it? You gotta go down, and then up. You sure those aren’t elephant balls? I love it! See, guys? Immigrants are contributing to America as we speak. That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I’m saying.

How did we end up on balls? Oh, yeah. My kids. Farid… are you guys raising your kids modern or traditional? – As modern as possible. – As modern as possible. I started hearing a lot of people complain about things I never knew we were supposed to complain about. I started hearing people come up and be like, “My dad never played catch with me.” I tell him, “My dad, Iranian dad… Immigrant dads don’t play catch with anybody.” I came to America, six years old. If I went to my dad when I was six, asked him to play catch… “Hey, Dad, let’s play catch,” he’d be like, “You’re lucky you’re in America. You want play catch? I send you to Iran. You can play catch with Khomeini and Saddam Hussein.” I guess we’re not playing catch.
The things people will say. People say, “My dad never said, ‘I love you.'” I tell them, “My dad, Iranian dad… Immigrant dads don’t even know what that means.” If I went to my dad… “Dad, do you love me?” “Ehh. I am growing used to you.” Immigrant dads don’t say… Immigrant parents don’t say “I love you” all the time. In America, we have to tell our kids we love them all day long. In the morning, “I love you.” Lunchtime, “I still love you.” Afternoon, “I loved you more than lunch and breakfast. I love you even more now.” Even when they get in trouble, you gotta tell them you love them. My son gets in trouble… “You’re in big trouble. You did not clean your room! But just know that I love you. I’m your father. I will always be here for you. I am the wind beneath your wings. I love you so much. I don’t want you to grow up and have issues with me. I love you so much, I’m gonna clean your room for you. I love you more than your mother loves you. She sent you to school on terrorist bomb day.”
Immigrant parents don’t say they love you. My parents had sayings that indicated that they might love us. My dad always used to say, “You’re the light of my eyes. You’re the light of my eyes.” “You’re the light of my eyes!” You’d be like, “Wow!” Yeah, don’t clap. Don’t clap. Because I would be like, “Wow, does that mean you love me?” He’d be like, “Ehh. That means I can see you in the dark. Watch what you’re doing.”

Oh, my God. Kids are running the world now, man. You know how I know? Because when I was a kid, I used to have to play with the kids of my parents’ friends. Now I have to play with the parents of my kids’ friends. Yeah. I’d be five years old. As soon as we entered the party with my dad, we’d show up. My dad: “Go. Go play with Amir.” “I don’t want to play with Amir!” “Go play with Amir!” “Amir’s 29 years old!” “That’s not my problem. That’s his problem. Till he finds good wife, he’s their son. Go play with him.” I was five. I’d run in the room… “Hi, Amir. You have any Legos?” “No, dude. I have weed.”
Here’s another way I know that kids are running the world. You know how many parties my wife and I have left because the kids need to go home and unwind and rewind and wound down? You know how many parties we’ve been at? It’s been happening. “Guys, what a great party. It was just getting started, but we gotta go home. The kids gotta unwind and rewind and wound down. I know, you just brought out the best tequila. We were gonna party, but we gotta go home. The kids gotta unwind and rewind and wound down. I know, we were just about to have an orgy, but we gotta go home. The kids gotta unwind, rewind and wound down.” My parents did not leave one party for us to go home and unwind and rewind and wound down. Not one. If we got tired at a party, they’d be like, “You want to sleep? Okay. Go find a pile of coats. Fall asleep on the coats. Make sure one of the coats is my coat so I don’t forget you when I’m going home.” You would constantly be asleep on a pile of coats, and they’d come, they wouldn’t even wake you up. They just throw you over their shoulders. You’d be half-asleep. You’d think you’re being kidnapped every night. They’d throw you over their shoulders. You’d be, “Oh, my God, this is the fifth time this week. They kidnapped me again!” And they thought they were doing good parenting. They didn’t know any better. “Hossein, look what a good father I am. I put my son to sleep on a pile of coats. What a good father. Hossein, give me a shot of vodka. I want to celebrate. Shot of vodka. He’s asleep. Hossein, I’m driving home. Give me a shot of vodka. I want to celebrate. Driving home.”
We didn’t have drunk driving when I was a kid in Iran. We didn’t have seat belts when I was a kid in Iran! You’d be in the back of the car. Every turn, you’d end up on a different side. Your dad in the front: “Hold on to your sister! You’re her seat belt. I love her. You are the light of my eyes.”
Now, in America, you’ve got to put your kid in a car seat till they’re 35 years old. With a helmet on. And a video player. Just saying…

Where’s the couples without kids? Where are you? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Congratulations. Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids. We love our kids. Right, Farid? But when you don’t have kids, you have so much freedom, you don’t even know. Yeah. If there’s any advice I can give you, take advantage of the freedom you have. You guys have so much freedom when you don’t have kids. When you don’t have kids, you go home and just make love. Just go home and make love. When you don’t have kids, you go home and role-play. Yeah, you go home and role-play. I know some of the Iranians just got confused again. I guarantee you right now, some guy: “Roll play? They’re gonna go bowling? Why they go bowling? Why they go…” Role-play is when you pretend to be someone else during sex. When you have no kids, you guys can go home and just do Tarzan and Jane. You go home… “Hey, go in the other room. When you hear me ‘Tarzan,’ just swing. Just swing. Use whatever. Use a chandelier. Just swing in. We’re gonna have sex in this foyer. When you hear me go… Swing in! Sex in the foyer!” When you have kids, you can’t Tarzan and Jane. Right, Farid? You can’t Tarzan and Jane when you have kids. You’d wake the kids up! It would be the quietest Tarzan and Jane you’ve seen your entire life. When you have kids, you’ll be like… “Psst! Jane, wake up. I told you, don’t drink red wine, Jane. Red wine puts you to sleep, Jane! Jane, me Tarzan! Don’t leave me out here alone with Cheetah. I played with my Cheetah last night, Jane.” The Iranian guy’s confused. “He has a monkey named Cheetah?”
When you have young kids at the house, you can’t have sex in the foyer. There’s Legos all over the foyer. You ever stood barefoot on Legos? That shit hurts. You’d be like, “Ow. Jane. Ow. Wait. Hold on. Jane. Ow. Jane. Ow. Don’t move, Jane. Ow.”
When you have kids, you’re too tired to have sex. You know how many nights my wife and I, we’ve taken the kids, we’ve done the unwind, the rewind, the wound down, showered them up, went to tuck them in… When you tuck them in, that’s when they start manipulating you. You tuck them in, you start walking out. “Daddy? I’m thirsty.” “Here’s some water. Hurry up. I might get laid.” You start walking out. “Daddy? I’m hungry.” “Here’s a cracker. Let’s go. I still have a chance.” Start walking out. “Daddy, I gotta poo.” “Of course you do, because you ate and drank when you shouldn’t have. And now Daddy’s not gonna get any because of you, son. Thanks a lot. Daddy’s going to bed with blue balls because of you, son.”
The Iranian guy’s confused again. “Blue balls is bowling. Blue balls, bowling. Blue balls, bowling. LGBT Community Bank. I got the whole show.” You know how many nights my wife and I have done all that stuff? The unwind, the rewound, the unbound, whatever it is, the tucking them in. We end up in bed together. We are so exhausted. We look at each other and go, “Babe… why try to have sex and ruin a good thing? We’ve got Netflix! We’ve got Netflix! Just hold my hand. Scratch. That’s a good… That’s a good scratch. That’s a good… Oh, yeah. Scratch my head. That’s a good scratch. That’s a good scratch.” Yeah, that’s what happens. When you’re married with children, you turn into monkeys. Just scratching each other all day long.

This is what it is. You know what it is? Men and women are just different. We’re both dealing with the same stresses, but when you have kids, a man can disengage and decompress quicker. When it comes to sex, men are ready to go anytime, anyplace. Women need time to decompress, get in the right frame of mind. Women, when it comes to sex, one little thing can throw you off. A man could be underneath the house, rewiring the house. The wires could all be out in the most precarious, dangerous positions. And from the distance, you can hear his wife just go, “Sex!” And a man would go for it. He would run through the wires, get electrocuted. He’d show up: “Hey, did you say… Did you… Sex? You said sex? You said sex? You said sex? You said sex. No, I got electrocuted. That’s fine. You said sex! I got electrocuted. You said sex! I gotta go to the hospital. Let’s have sex. I gotta go to the hospital.” Women, very different. One little thing can throw you off. A woman could be like, “I’m not in the mood right now because my hair was supposed to be like this, but it’s like that.” And men, we’re so stupid. We’re like, “I got a comb. I could comb your hair. Then we could go have sex.” And women: “No, you didn’t hear me. My hair was supposed to be like this, but it’s like that. Like this.” “Well, I got a comb and a brush. I could do your hair, we could have sex.” We’re so dumb, we keep pushing till the real reason comes out. “I got a comb and brush. I could make this happen.” “No, you’re not hearing me. My hair was like this, but it’s like that. You forgot my birthday, asshole!” “Uh, okay, well… heh heh. Happy birthday. Here’s the comb. Surprise! I’m gonna go rewire the house.”

That’s why, guys, depending on the number of people you have living at the house, gotta spend a little more time getting your wife or girlfriend in the mood. If you have no kids at the house, you go home, have a glass of wine, make love, it’s fantastic. When you have a couple of kids in the house, you’ve got to spend a bit of time getting your wife in the right frame of mind. If you have your kids and the in-laws, you’re not getting laid. It’s not happening. It’s too much traffic. It’s not gonna happen. Really hard to pull off. If I want to make love to my wife at eight o’clock at night, I’ve got to start getting her mentally prepared from eight o’clock in the morning. I swear to God. Isa, this happened recently. I woke up one morning. I was like, “Today is the day.” I don’t know if it was a full moon. I was excited. First moment I saw her, 8:00 in the morning at breakfast, I just threw a random compliment. Just walking by, I go, “Hey, babe. You’re looking good today.” She goes, “Oh, my God. Thank you for noticing my highlights.” As I walked away, I was like, “The seed has been planted.” It was like  Mission: Impossible. Lunchtime: Poetry. I don’t even know poetry. I’m just walking by… “Hey, babe… ‘To be or not to be.'” That’s all I got. Like, “Oh, my God. Shakespeare. Thank you so much.” Afternoon: Foot rub. She didn’t want a foot rub. I gave her a foot rub. Started rubbing her feet. She had dead skin. No big deal. I turned it to my advantage. I go, “Babe, your dead skin makes me feel alive!” She goes, “Eww, that’s disgusting.” I go, “So is my love.” Yeah, I became Antonio Banderas for two seconds. “So is my love. I am Puss in Boots.”
I went, I ran, I got the kids tucked in, everything was done, they’re ready to go. I come running back inside. I go, “Babe, let’s do this!” She goes, “I’m not sure I’m in the mood right now. My hair was like this. Now it’s like that.” I go, “Babe, come on. The kids are asleep. I did the poetry, the foot rub. Let’s do this. And then she goes, “Um… okay.” Which isn’t the most flattering thing in the world. But for a guy, “okay” is a “yes.” Men, when it comes to sex, we have no ego at all. All she has to say is, “Yeah, I got nothing better to do.” A man would be like, “She’s got nothing better to do! I’m getting laid!” Guys, I thought “okay” meant that it was a done deal. “Okay” does not mean it’s a done deal. It’s not a done deal till it’s a done deal, okay? I messed up. I got cocky. I thought “okay” meant we’re done. I got cocky. I went to the bathroom to go pee just before we get started. Just a little tinkle before we get started. Just a little pee, a little tinkle before we get… And I farted. Just a little fart. Just the beginning. Pfft, pfft. Just the beginning. Pfft, pfft. Just pfft. Just pfft, pfft, pfft. Just pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Just a pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Just a pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft. Somehow, all the way from the other room, she heard. She goes, “Really?” I go, “What?” She goes, “I’m not in the mood.” I go, “Come on!” She goes, “My hair was like this. Now it’s like that. There’s farts all over the place.” Now I’m trying to sell her on the fart. I go, “That wasn’t a fart. That was a celebratory… There was more to that… I was gonna go pfffffft. There was more. I was just testing to make sure the kids are asleep. Pffffft. Better that I fart in the bathroom than during sex. You don’t want pffffft. That’s not good.” She goes, “I’m not in the mood.” I go, “Neither am I. We have a lot of Netflix. Hold my hand. Just scratch. That’s a good scratch.” Yeah.

And that’s based on a true story. I swear to God. Right now, Ed, I guarantee you, some of the Iranians: “Oh, my God! He’s doing fart jokes? He was supposed to do political material. Why is he doing fart jokes?” Ed, “guz” means “fart” in Persian. If it makes the sound. If it’s quiet, it’s just “choss.” We’re connoisseurs. We have two ways. So, give me “guz.” Say “guz.” “Guz.” And then say “choss.” You’re fluent. Isa, how do you say “fart” in Arabic? – “Drat” and “fuss.” – What is it? – “Drat.” – “Drav?!” Oh, you have two as well? Look at that. We have very similar languages. You got “fuss”? So, my “choss” becomes your “fuss.” Choss. Fuss. This is like the conversion rate. – And “guz” becomes… – “Drat.” “Drat.” It sounds like you’re farting. “Drat!” Whoo! “Drat.” How do you say it in Assyrian? How do you say “fart”? – “Arteta.” – What? – “Arteta.” – “Arteta.” Sounds like your fart is an artist of some sort. I give you arteta. Arteta. Do me a favor. Take out your phone. Somebody google “fart in England.” Yell it. Say what it says. Google. What does it say? “Fart in England.” Just google it on your phone. Go ahead. – We’re gonna get kicked out. – I’m telling you, don’t worry about it. Google “fart in England.” Say it loud. What does it say? – “Trump!” – “Trump!” “Trump!” Yeah! Yes! Yes! In England, they say “trump” for “fart.” They’re very smart over there. Listen, we started with Trump jokes. We ended with fart jokes. We’ve come full circle. That’s the show. Thank you very much, Kennedy Center. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪ Fight the power ♪ ♪We’ve got to fight the powers That be ♪ ♪ Lai-lai-lai-lai-lai, lai-lai-lai ♪ Thank you, Kennedy Center. Thank you, Netflix. Thank you, D.C. I love you guys. ♪ Motherfuck him and John Wayne ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m black and I’m proud I’m ready and hyped, plus I’m amped ♪ ♪ Most of my heroes Don’t appear on no stamps ♪ ♪ Sample a look back You look and find ♪ ♪ Nothin’ but rednecks for 400 years If you check ♪ ♪ “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” Was a number-one jam ♪ ♪ Damn, if I say it You can slap me right here ♪ – ♪ Get it ♪ – ♪ Let’s get this party started right ♪ ♪ Right on, what we got to say ♪ ♪ Power to the people, no delay ♪ ♪ To make everybody see ♪ ♪ In order to fight the powers That be ♪

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