TODD BARRY: SPICY HONEY (2017) – Full Transcript

2018-01-08T13:40:07-08:00 January 8th, 2018|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Todd Barry: Spicy Honey (2017)

[fire crackling] [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Todd Barry. [applause and cheering]

Thank you. Oh, my God. -[cheering continues]
-[Todd] Ooh.
[Todd] Oh yeah, that’s how you do it. Oh, my God. Thank you. Aah! Nothing like that comedy special applause… that you only got when you do a comedy special… [laughter] and never ever, ever else. Kind of a typical Todd Barry front row– Actually, not… Some women. [laughter] A typical Todd Barry front row is guy by himself, empty chair… guy by himself, empty chair with a graphic novel on it… [laughter] guy by himself, Pop-Tart. [laughter] Guy brings a Pop-Tart from home. Puts it on the unsold seat… because his social skills are a bit questionable. One might call him a dweeb. [laughter] You guys are a good crowd. No one’s texting. That’s good. Sometimes I see someone texting in the crowd, I’ll call them out, and they say, “It’s an emergency.” “It’s an emergency.” One of those really urgent emergencies, where you don’t have to leave a comedy show. [laughter] What kind of texting emergencies happen at a comedy show? “Hey, Bob, your house is on fire.” “I’ll tell you what’s on fire… [laughter] the comedy stylings of a young man named Todd Barry.” [laughter] “Seriously, someone’s been killed.” “No one is killing harder than Todd.” [laughter] “I don’t want to read another word about my house… now that Todd Barry is “in the house” and is, in fact, tearing down the house. He’s so amazing. It sucks that I’m at this show, and you’re at my burning house.” [laughter] How does that even happen? It’s weird. Anyway, call the fire department.”

I’ve got to get back to the show. It’s so amazing. I called a woman out for texting. She says, “I’m not texting, I’m Googling you.” [laughter] Googling me? What are you trying to find out, if maybe I’m doing a show in town or something? “Oh, wow, this guy does stand up comedy. That’s a coincidence. [laughter] I wonder if he’s funny. Ooh, there’s a clip. [laughs] This guy… You’re funny. I have to catch you live some time. I’ll check your tour dates… Ooh, tonight… Oh that’s really close by.”

Audiences can be rough, not just for comedians… My girlfriend’s an actor. This is a true story. She’s doing a play… Front row center at the play, in the middle of the play, a woman pulls out an iPad, starts using it. Middle of the play… Not an iPad Mini… That would have been fine. [laughter] I’m talking about a full-size iPad. Third generation… You know, the heavy one. They sent an usher to talk to this woman… Before he got there, the woman did the right thing… She dimmed the iPad. [laughter] That’s why she thought he was walking over. It’s like, “Oh yeah, I know, it’s a little intense. Tell you what, I’ll meet them halfway. There you go. I can still play my Solitaire… they can still do that thing they’ve been rehearsing for a year and a half.” [laughter]
Maybe she got pressured into the iPad. Maybe she was at the Apple Store, talking to the salesman, like, “I don’t know. Do I need this? What can I do with it?” “You can do a lot of stuff.” -“Like what?” -“You can surf the web, you can check your email… -Let’s say, you’re at a play… -[audience laughs] you don’t want to watch it anymore… [laughter] What do you do in that situation, huh? Watch it anyway? My God, that’s bananas. Whip this baby out, make your own fun.” She was like, “I can never do that with my laptop. That would be rude.” [laughter]

My girlfriend’s cool. Falls asleep mid-conversation with me. She’ll fall asleep for two seconds, then want to tell me about a crazy dream she had… [laughter] We’ll be having a mundane conversation, -“Hey, want to get Thai food later?” -“Yeah that sounds…” “Oh, my God.” -[laughter] -[Todd exhales] -“What’s wrong?” -“I had the craziest dream.” -“When? Last night?” -“No,  just now.” [laughter] -“While you were blinking?” -“That wasn’t blinking.” “That was full on Stage Four REM sleep.” [laughter] “What happened in the dream?” “I’ll tell you what happened, you and I slowly crawled through all 50 states.” [laughter] “All 50 of them? Slowly? Wow. I think that was probably a quick crawl.” She was like, “Nope that was… Oh, my God, I just had another crazy dream.” -“What happened in this one?” -“You and I counted all the grapes.” [laughter] -“In our refrigerator?” -“No, all the grapes.” [laughter] “We counted all the world’s grapes?”
My girlfriend got me to watch an entire season of Project Runway. [soft cheering] She goes, “We’re going to watch a whole season.” I was like, “Alright, I guess.” Two episodes in, I’m like, “Seriously? A yellow belt and yellow shoes? [laughter] What are you thinking, Aaron? Do you want to win this?” [laughter] You’re a  good crowd. I might do an extra 10 seconds for you guys. [laughter] I said that recently onstage, “I might do an extra 10 seconds…” A guy in the audience said what I thought was, “Make it funny.” [laughter] So, I started insulting the guy. He’s like, “Why are you doing that?” “Because I said I’d do an extra 10 seconds. -You said, ‘Make it funny.’ ” -He goes, “I said, ‘Make it 20.’ ” [laughter]

I had to apologize for the first time in my life… [laughter] on or off stage. [laughter] I did an interview recently for Canadian Public Radio. In the interview, I referred to myself as the hottest comic on the planet. [laughter] And I kind of laughed when I said it. The guy laughed… A few hours later, I went on the internet, a woman had posted that quote. Next to it, she wrote, “This is why I avoid male comedians from the US and Canada.” [laughter] Because you don’t understand jokes? [laughter] Seems like a really solid reason… to avoid all comedians. Not sure why you’re so specific. “Because of this quote, I’ll be avoiding comedians of one gender from only two countries in the entire world. And as I continue to hear more jokes and not get them… I will be adding more countries.” [laughter] And ladies, watch yourselves. I am not the hottest comic on the planet. It’s not going to happen. Not motivated enough. You got to be motivated to get really big. I’m not motivated. I don’t even like motivated people, they bum me out. [laughter]

I heard a guy talking once, he’s like, “I like to make goals.” I was like, “Alright, calm down. [laughter] Let’s make that your next goal.” [laughter] To bring it on down.” He’s like, “You know once I achieve a goal, I immediately make another goal.” Oh, I like the sound of that. Sounds like the  perfect way to never enjoy your life. “It’s just one goal after the other, no space between them. That way, I walk around disappointed 24/7… by choice.” I make goals too. When I achieve a goal, I buy a two pound bag of Doritos. And I savor them as I think about my latest accomplishment. [vocalizing] Mm-mm-mm-mm-mmh. “Sure did a good job loading up that dishwasher. [laughter] But, I can’t rest on that. I’ve got to make another goal. Paper towels running low. Two weeks from today…”

Just moved into a new apartment, hired a professional home organizer. She was tough. She wanted me to throw stuff out. I was like, “Nice try. That’s not organizing. [laughter] That is throwing stuff out.” Huge difference between organizing and throwing stuff out. I would never pay someone $400 to help me throw stuff out. I know what a garbage can looks like. I will pay someone $400 to help me organize the stuff… I should probably throw out. I saw a home organizer on TV make this suggestion: she said, “Take all the clothes in your closet, line them up in the same direction. When you take something out to use it, put it back in the opposite direction. And at the end of a year, only keep what’s in the opposite direction.” Anyone who can follow through on that system… [laughter] is already the world’s most organized person. [laughter] There’s now a guy who’s knee-deep in hamster skeletons. [laughter] He’s like, “Allow me to show you what I did with my closets.” [laughter] Some of my “never been washed ever” clothes are in one direction. Others are in the opposite direction. Those are the only items I’m keeping. Everything else has got to go… really soon… in a year.”
There’s a best-selling book about home organizing, I think it’s called, The Life Changing Art of Tidying Up, something like that, written by a Japanese woman. Her main philosophy is to take everything you own, you look at it one by one and go, “Does this bring me joy?” And if the answer is no, you get rid of it. Based on that, I’ll be burning my apartment to the ground… [laughter] with me in it. [laughter] “Does this bring me joy?” You can’t ask that question when you’re a hoarder. “Does this bring me joy? It’s a copy of AOL for Dummies. [laughter] Back on the shelf… [laughter] next to EarthLink for Dummies. Keeping them organized.”

Anyone have roommates? You have roommates, sir? Sir. This is gonna be a problem. It’s a huge mistake I’m making right now. You have roommates? [scattered laughter] Never mind. -[laughter] -[Todd giggles] [laughter continues] No time to figure out what’s going on there. [laughter] I live alone, of course. Too old, too famous to have roommates. Not sure where the joke was there. [laughter] I never liked roommates. Even when I was younger I didn’t like them. I know people who loved having roommates. They described these living situations that sounded horrible to me, but they’d be smiling. Like, “It’s pretty great.There’s six of us in a one bedroom apartment. Bands come through town on tour, so we invite them to stay with us.” Eww. [laughter] “Why are you doing that?” Because they travel for work? Lots of people travel for work. How come you’re not, “Sometimes there’s an insurance convention in town, so we invite a pack of Liberty Mutual agents to stay…” I’d never let a band stay with me, I don’t care what band it was.
If The Beatles were still around and wanted to come over to my place for 10 minutes, I wouldn’t let them. I know what that would be like. “Paul, what are you doing, man? Don’t go through my shit.” What, Ringo? No, you can’t have my WiFi password. [laughter] Dip into your 4G, motherfucker. [laughter] You’re in The Beatles.” You guys are all over that 4G line. Huh? [laughter] “Beatles, I don’t know who they are, but 4G, ooh… Something current… we can sink our teeth into.”

I was walking around in New York City, I walked past one of our many vocal drug dealers. [laughter] He was doing the usual pitch. He’s like, “Weed, cocaine, weed, cocaine.” I kept walking, he was like, “Hey, don’t be bashful, now.” [laughter] “Yeah, that’s what you’re picking up on. Shyness. It stops me from doing everything I really want to do. It stopped me from asking a girl to prom in high school, now, it’s stopping me from buying cocaine from a guy leaning against a falafel truck. [laughter] I’m bashful. You have heroine too? I’m introverted. [laughter] Crystal meth? Hey, not for this timid fella.” [laughter] I love the idea of a bashful guy buying drugs on the street… inching his way up to the drug dealer, [laughter] [high-pitched voice] “Excuse me… [laughter] are you the… criminal who sells the drugs? I want to buy some drugs, but… I’m embarrassed. I have a really ugly wallet. [laughter] I got it on It’s got little soccer balls on it. I don’t even like soccer. It cost me $0.75. And I want drugs… [laughter] and I’m bashful.” You’re loving that joke, huh, sir? This guy was like…Aah! A little fool… Aah! I’m fucking with you, sir. [laughter]

Dollar pizza places opening up everywhere. Oh, yeah. [hoots from audience] I feel guilty going to the dollar pizza place. Too cheap. If I’m at the dollar pizza place and I see a guy ask for a napkin, I’m like, “Oh, no you don’t. [laughter] Dick move. [laughter] Says “pizza for a dollar,” not “pizza plus free napkin.” This guy will be out of business in two minutes. Reach into your pocket, hand him another nickel. Stay away from that garlic powder… [laughter] or I’ll kill you.” [laughter] I had a fun experience at the dollar pizza place recently, I ordered my slice, the guy put it on the counter, I quickly handed him a dollar, but I dropped the dollar… right onto the slice. [laughter] So now I’m looking down at a dollar slice… with one topping. [laughter] An actual dollar. It looked like the perfect cover for New York Magazine’s Cheap Eats issue. [laughter] [scattered applause] It left me with a real dilemma, because I’m a germaphobe. But I’m more afraid of paying two dollars for a one dollar slice of pizza. [laughter] So, I did the classy thing. I stared the guy down… until he gave me a new slice. [laughter] Then I walked away, pretending I didn’t know he would pass off the filthy slice to someone else. [laughter] ‘Cause that’s what you’ve got to do when your profit margin is .0001% Can’t be like, “We’ll just throw this one out. No, someone’s going to get it. And it ain’t gonna be me. Unless the guy ahead of me also dropped a dollar on his slice. [laughter] In that highly unlikely scenario, the whole thing would blow up in my face. [laughter]

What comes after the pizza jokes? I forgot. Oh yeah, I remember. [laughter] [woman cackles] Don’t worry, That’ll be cut out. [laughter] Everyone at home will be like, “How did he know what to do after the pizza joke? [laughter] I feel like that would be a roadblock.” Thinking about that pizza. It fucking seamlessly went right into the next… Oh my God. Wow! I am a germaphobe. People disgust me all the time. I was on a flight recently, this guy was trying to figure out how to get his bag in the overhead, but he had his phone in one hand. He was very confused. He was going, “What do I do here? [laughter] A two-handed job. [laughter] But, I’ve got the phone in one hand. [laughter] I know what I can do…” Shoved it in his mouth. [laughter] Option one: Shove it in your mouth. [laughter] Maybe he was looking down the aisle, saw all those people waiting to board, and was like, “I want this flight leaving on time and my pocket’s all the way down there. [laughter] Look who we got right here, ready to work. [laughter] There’s still a lot of room in there. I could have totally packed my hiking boots.”

I saw a bunch of boy scouts at the airport, like, a hundred boy scouts… You can go 30 years without seeing one boy scout. Then there’s 100 of them at the airport. “Wow, I thought y’all were out of business. Where are you off to? Getting on a plane to go camping? That’s weird.” [laughter] I was a boy scout for three weeks, never made it to the booking a flight phase of that experience. [laughter] I really was a boy scout for three weeks, and they did uniform inspection. They’re like, “You’re not wearing regulation socks.” I said, “I’m sorry about that. Also, I quit. [laughter] That’s all I need to know about this organization. A 50 year old dude just walked up to an 11 year old… and insulted his socks. It’s creepy, I’m out here, I’m an artist.” [laughter] You’ll see, Scout Master. Forty years from now, I’ll be doing a comedy special… I don’t know what network. [laughter] Yes, I did sign the contract already. And still don’t know the answer to that question. [laughter] No one’s told me that. I know, it’s kind of strange.” [laughter]

Took a vacation, went to Guatemala… Saw some stuff  I’ve never seen before, saw a volcano for the first time. That was beautiful. What else did I see? Oh, guys riding mopeds down rocky roads, steering with just one hand… because they’re holding a baby with the other. [laughter] I saw that so many times, it stopped bothering me. [laughter] First time you see it, it’s like, “My God, look at that lunatic, he’s holding a baby riding a moped.” Second time, you’re like, “Oh, my God, what a crazy coincidence, for only the second time in my entire life… and just two seconds after the other time, [laughter] I’m seeing a guy riding a moped holding a baby.” Third time you see it, it’s like, “So many cute babies here in Guatemala.” [laughter] And then, yes, you rent a moped. You know where you take it, the adoption agency. Adopt yourself a little cutie pie, go for a spin. [laughter] “Oh, yeah. I get it now. Whoa! It’s about living on the edge. It’s about making a baby live on the edge… while I remain relatively safe. I love my little thrill-seeker. His twin brother’s pretty cute also. I’m holding two babies. [laughter] The whole time, I’ve been holding two babies.” The only people who knew that were the forensics experts in the crowd. They’re like, “I actually knew that by the curve of the arm. There’s no way that would be one baby. I study this kind of shit. I know. But, I mean, most people don’t know it.”

Good coffee in Guatemala. Mmm. I took a two and a half hour tour of a coffee farm when I was there. Oh my God, it’s so complicated growing coffee. So much has to happen between planting it to when it’s sitting next to someone while they’re writing a terrible screenplay, [laughter] dreadful short story… or I’m sitting there writing some amazing, flawless comedy. [laughter] I was in Portland, Oregon looking for a coffee shop. Went on Yelp. I found a review of a place, where they said, “The baristas here are presumptuous.” [laughter] “I don’t think that’s what you meant to say.” Presumptuous… “May I get you something to drink?” “Whoa! [laughter] Easy, Tiger. Damn, what did I do to deserve that, huh? You blindsided me. A guy walks into a coffee shop, gets in the coffee line… ‘May I get you something to drink?’ I was warned about you. [laughter] So presumptuous. And the little waxed mustache, a little pretentious.” Yeah, that was the word he meant to use. I saw a guy walk into a coffee shop, holding a cup of coffee… from a different coffee shop. I could not imagine being that ballsy. [laughter] Just walking in there going, “Yeah.” “Well, well, well… What do we have here? It looks like someone else is in the coffee business too. Huh? [laughter] Just like these nice folks across the street. Tell you what, they probably have the best coffee, but good news, you have better tables and chairs. [laughter] So, I’m going to sit down with their superior coffee and use your free WiFi for four hours. You want to serve me a drink? I’d love a glass of water. Then, I’m going to use your bathroom ten times. What’s in it for you? The big payoff at the end, when I ask you to watch my stuff while I go across for a refill.”
Someone told me at good coffee shops they don’t like you to add anything to the coffee, they find it insulting. I asked a barista about this. He’s like, “Yeah it’d be like adding sugar to red wine.” “Would it be like adding sugar to coffee? [laughter] Or do we have to use your ridiculous example? [laughter] “It would be like playing racquetball with a ferret.” [laughter] “My, oh my, that’s stupid. Fill it to the top.” This guy really said this to me. “It’d be like adding sugar to red wine, except that no one’s ever thought of doing that. What I asked you about, ten million people do every hour. Also, there’s a bowl of sugar right here. Yes, my finger is in it. Look, I’m swishing it around. I didn’t come here with sugar, how did it get here? Oh, you put it out? Am I supposed to make banana bread or something? Oh, It’s for the coffee. Ooh, I’m confused.”

A guy approached me after a show once. He was like, “Todd you’re not going to want to hear this, but… there was someone in history who did put sugar in their red wine. I was like, “Alright, who’s that?” He goes, “Hitler.” “Okay. I’m going to keep doing the joke. [laughter] I’m going to take my chances that you’re one of very few people who would call me out and correct me… with that obscure trivia about Hitler. And I’ve got to ask, how many biographies of Hitler did you read… before that was brought up? ‘Oh, there’s this one other thing about Hitler… [laughter] You don’t want to bring him to a wine bar.'” [laughter] So few comedians can combine three hours of coffee jokes into a Hitler joke. [laughter] [exhales] [softly] That was good. [laughter]

Did you have dinner tonight, sir? What did you have? -Buffalo wings -Buffalo wings. Oh, my God. Solid. [laughter] At a sports bar? At a sports bar. Holy shit. [laughter] I’m acting like that was an amazing guess… when it’s the only place that serves buffalo wings. Which sauce? -Just regular. -Regular. Oh my God. I didn’t realize my fans were pussies. [laughter and applause] [man cackles] I don’t think I’ve ever used that word that way. [laughter] I almost didn’t, but you were so fucking delighted by it. [laughter]
I don’t eat right. Some people eat worse than I do. I saw a guy eating lunch by himself. He had a burger, fries, milkshake and a beer. Burger and fries looked delicious. Milkshake and a beer was a little confusing… even if you don’t care about your health. The guy’s like, “Yeah, burger, fries… Milkshake. Yeah, I’ll have a beer also. [laughter] Yeah, both… No, no… [laughter] Trust me, I have a good feeling about this.” [laughter] He’s like, “Alright, milkshake… Mmm. Strawberry, my favorite. Mmm. Suddenly the worst beer I’ve ever had in my life. [laughter] At least I found the quick and easy way to take in 45000 calories.” [laughter]

I’m a picky eater. Any picky eaters here tonight? [audience hoots] A woman raised her hand. You’ve got to reward politeness. [laughter] You’re picky? What won’t you eat? Sesame seeds. Sesame seeds. That’s your opening… [laughter] That’s her opening. You know about sesame seeds? They’re completely flavorless and innocuous… [laughter] Number one food pet peeve. [laughter] Sesame seeds… [laughter] I’ve got to hear the next one. [laughter] -Curry. -Curry. [laughter] Okay. Alright, one more. [laughter] -Um… Peppercorns. -Peppercorns? [laughter] Why do you hate Asian people so much? [laughter] There’s no room for that in my audience. [laughter] How cool would that be if I had her thrown out? [laughter] [mumbles] It’s because of the sesame seeds. I’m a picky eater.
I have three categories of food: Foods I like… foods I don’t like, but I understand why people like them, then there are foods that baffle me. Food I like, let’s pick an easy one. Pizza. Yum, delicious. No need for further discussion. Second category, sushi. Don’t like it. I totally get why people like it, though. What a beautiful, beautiful, awful-tasting food that is. [laughter] I remember the one time I tried it 17 years ago at the Cincinnati Airport. [laughter] I did not enjoy it. No second chances for sushi. [laughter] You blew it, sushi. I gave you every opportunity to be good with that quarter of a bite that I took and spit out immediately. Third category: foods that baffle me. Egg salad. If I’m at a diner and I see someone order egg salad, all I can think is, “So you read all 75 pages of that menu? [laughter] And that’s the item that popped?” [laughter] “Oh, honey, look what I found. [laughter] A little diamond in the rough. [laughter] Top of page 59. Flip ahead. [laughter] Cold, smelly eggs. I’m sorry, cold, smelly, disgusting eggs. [laughter] I got so excited, I read that wrong. [laughter] Smashed together with cold, awful mayonnaise, also made with cold, smelly eggs. Served on… Mm, mm, mm, mm, mmh… white bread. [laughter] Baby, this is why we go to restaurants.” I told that joke once, and when I said the part about getting sushi at the Cincinnati Airport, two women up front started talking to each other. I was like, “What’s going on?” She was like… “Why would you get sushi at the Cincinnati Airport?” Ooh, good eye. [laughter] I better rewrite that one. Huh? [laughter] Mmmm… I’ll say Tokyo from now on. [laughter] You know, to make it a better joke. [laughter] She was dumb. [laughter] She was dumb. [laughter]

Mm, mm, mm. Wow. Couples here? You guys a couple? Yeah? Ever get massages together? No? Why not? [woman] He’s not big on massages. He’s not big on massages? Okay. Well, definitely don’t compromise and do some. [laughter] You think she wanted to eat fucking buffalo wings tonight? [laughter] [applause] [softly] Wow. [sighs] There’s not a lot of feminists left in this world. [laughter] [softly] Just me. I had a girlfriend a while back. We got foot massages at a Chinese Foot Spa. I thought that would be romantic. We walked in there, tranquil music was playing, She sat in a chair, I sat in a chair next to her. A woman walked over, started gently massaging my girlfriend’s feet. A guy walked over, started punching my feet… [laughter] really hard… for a while. Until, at some point, I had to go “Hey, buddy… I might need you to stop.” Not something I was anticipating saying when I thought about getting a foot massage. “I’m going to get a foot massage, better get a safe word ready.” [laughter] So I thought the massage was over for me, but then the woman looks at the guy, looks back at me, and she’s like… “He and I can switch, if you like.” “Oh, I do like. I like the way you work. You have a light touch, and you’re a problem-solver. Get over here, feather fingers. Sir, beat the shit out of my girlfriend’s feet.” [laughter]

You’ve got to splurge in life. I bought a $14 bar of soap once. Saw this in the store, just stopped in my tracks. Heard a voice from above. [in a deep voice] “Todd, it’s time.” [laughter] “Time for what?” “Time to go to the next level.” “Next level in what?” “In how much you spend on soap.” “Oh, I didn’t expect that to be the next level.” “It is, Todd. What do you think successful people spend on soap? I’ll tell you, $14 a bar. Buy it, Todd, it will get you singing in the shower.” So I bought it. Totally got me singing in the shower. Got me singing things like, ♪ Ooh what was I thinking ♪ ♪ I should have bought Dove ♪ ♪ Let me rephrase that The CVS house brand of Dove ♪ ♪ It would be The identical soap experience ♪ ♪ I’m having now ♪ ♪ The only big difference is I’d have 23 more bars waiting for me ♪ [laughter] ♪ What a colossal waste of money ♪ I told that joke at a club once. When I said Dove soap, a table in the back cheered. [laughter] I was like,”You don’t work for Dove soap do you?” She was like, “Yes, we do.” [laughter] Long story short, made them send me a case of soap. [laughter] And I’m not lying, they sent me a big old box of soap. I would call it an uncomfortable amount of soap. [laughter] I like getting free stuff, but I’d like to explore other soap options… [laughter] before my 700th birthday. [laughter]

But you do get free shit when your a celebrity, and…. I’ll ask for it, too. [laughter] If I meet someone, they tell me what business they’re in, I want their product, I just go… “Give it to me.” [laughter] It works sometimes. I’m going to hook myself up with some stuff right now. Sir, what do you do? Unemployed. All right. [laughter] Pretty good seat for an unemployed person. [laughter] I told them specifically, people with jobs only. [laughter] What kind of job do you want? I want to be a stand up– You want to be a stand up comedian? Oh my God. So, I’m giving you a gift tonight. [laughter] Alright, well… Do you, do you do stand up now? [man] Yes, I go to open mics. You go to open mics. Alright, that’s the way you do it. Alright… You’re bumming out this whole crowd. [laughter] Just for the future, comedians don’t sit up front. [laughter] [inaudible] Regular people… Comedians. I didn’t hook myself up with anything.
Sir, what about you? [man] I work for a record label. You work for a record label? Oh my God. [laughter] Get me a free Spotify account. [laughter] [mumbling] Aw…that wasn’t… I think that’s the most hurtful thing I’ve ever said to anyone. [laughter] Why did you say Spotify? What label do you work for? Sacred Bones. Sacred Bones? Oh my God. Heavy Metal label? No. Folk? [laughter] There’s some folk on the label? No there isn’t. [man] Dark Folk. Dark Folk. Holy shit. [laughter] Super slick answer, man. Who’s your biggest act? David Lynch. David Lynch? My favorite singer. [laughter] Actually, him and Martin Scorsese are my… two favorite recording artists. This guy doesn’t know what a record label is. He works for a film distribution company, and he’s like… “Is this a record label?” “Have we ever talked about records here?” [laughter] I forgot why I started. Anyway, free records, thank you. [laughter]

Let’s do another CVS joke. “Oh, shit, Todd.” -“Seriously?” -Yeah. I live near a big CVS. Walked in their recently. Perfectly timed. Just as a guy was asking if they sold sausages. [laughter] -I was two feet into the store here. -Do you sell sausages? I was like,”Ooh… This might be an unexpectedly delightful trip… to CVS. Let’s see how this plays out.” -“No sir, we don’t sell sausages.” -“You don’t?” Ooh, he’s surprised… [laughter] that CVS does not sell sausages. I guess when he walked in and saw ten types of bed pans for sale… it’s like, “This is the place to get kielbasa.” [laughter] When he’s there refilling his son’s lice-killing shampoo prescription… it’s like, “It’d be crazy to leave here without some chorizo.” [laughter] I memorized two sausages for that joke. [laughter] Shoes are untied. Fuck, what do you do? Are you gonna–? Yeah, I actually do. [applause] Double knot? No, that’s good, man. [laughter] You redeemed yourself. [laughter] The last person I would have thought would have done it. [laughter] I asked you a simple question about an hour ago. [laughter] An hour later, you’re tying my shoes for me. [laughter] Oh, my God. That’s better than a free David Lynch album. [laughter]

I saw a doctor on TV talking about how to work exercise into your daily life without going to the gym. He had an interesting suggestion. He’s like, “We all make three phone calls a day, right? They last 10 minutes each. Just walk around while you’re making these phone calls. That’s 30 minutes exercise every day.” I said, “I haven’t made three phone calls in the past year and a half. [laughter] They don’t last ten minutes each. But I don’t want to go to the gym, so I will give this a whirl.” Start calling people up. Taking a little walk. “Hello, Hunan Palace? [laughter] I was wondering what kind of food you specialize in. Oh, it is Chinese food? Okay. No need to yell. What time are you open until? Is it fun being open until 10 o’clock? If you couldn’t be open until 10, when you be open until? No, this is not a prank call. I’m working out. And I’ve got to say, not really feeling a burn yet. I need you to hang tight for another eight and a half minutes. I have more questions. So, you’re stranded on a desert island… You can only bring one Sheryl Crow album. [laughter] You’re damn right, Greatest Hits.” [laughter]

I never dropped my phone in the toilet. That’s a good thing. If someone tells me they dropped their phone in the toilet, their next sentence has to be, “So, of course I left it in the toilet… [laughter] because it wouldn’t even occur to me to reach into a toilet… to avoid buying a new phone.” Some people say, “But I put it in a bowl of dry rice after.” Oh, the way a surgeon preps his scalpels. [laughter] I think I saw a show about that on the Discovery Channel. It’s called Uncooked Rice: Nature’s Disinfectant. I asked this woman if she ever dropped her phone in a toilet. She goes, “I did, but there was no pee in there.” Really? Never? [laughter] That is the luckiest series of events ever. They’re installing a new toilet… you’re first in line. Mayor cuts the ribbon… The glare from the scissors blinds you. You slip, you fall, you drop that phone. Where does it end up? Aah, the crystal clear waters… [laughter] of an innocent virgin toilet. This friend of mine still uses a BlackBerry. I said, “Have you thought of getting an iPhone? He goes, “I want to get one, but I’m afraid of getting robbed. I don’t want to get robbed.” Like he’s going to buy one, and then that day, an emergency meeting of iPhone thieves will be called. Leader’s up there, “All right fellas, I got some great news for you… I know we’ve stolen lots of iPhones in the past few years, but never have I been able to say… tonight we are stealing Reggie Baumstein’s iPhone.” [laughter] “Come on Boss, don’t tease us. Reggie Baumstein uses a BlackBerry. [laughter] We’ve been on that guy’s trail for years.” “I know we have, fellas, but I got the fax this morning. Reggie made the switch.” Like downloading apps. That’s fun. Right? Hell, yeah. Sometimes I try to think up apps, to see if they even exist. Like, I wanted a big clock app for my phone, so I could put it on the stool sometimes, and look at it to make sure I didn’t do one second more than I was supposed to. So, I put in the search bar, I put in “Big Clock”. What came up? An app called “Huge Clock”. [laughter] [applause] Even people who have seen Big Ben are like, “Oh my God.” “It pales in comparison.”

It’s a good gig for me. I’m making a ton of money. [laughter] All the bar money, too. It all goes to me. The whole thing. If you had drinks tonight, I get all that money. No, I’m not Jimmy Buffett. Someone told me Jimmy Buffett is so powerful in the music industry, he actually gets part of the bar money when he plays an arena. I guess you can do that when you’re Jimmy Buffett, though. You know? Just go into the promoters office before the tour, and like, “You know, there’s a song I’ve been doing for 45 years… it’s called “Margaritaville.” Really gets people drinking. I don’t think I’m doing it this tour.” “Well, I wish you would.” “Alright. Half the bar money.” [laughter]

People do ask me how much money I make, though. Happens all the time. I get it. It’s a weird job. They’re curious. But I can always tell when they’re going to ask. They’ll be like, “Todd, what do you do for a living?” “I’m a comedian.” “Oh! [laughter] Good money in that? Probably shouldn’t ask, but do you make an okay living doing that?” “It’s totally wrong for me to ask, but I won’t stop myself.” “What kind of money do you make doing that?” So, I have to think of a lie, and it can’t be in either extreme. I can’t say I make 10 dollars a year, they won’t believe me. I can’t say I make 100 million a year, they won’t believe me. I have to figure out what their estimate is, then add just enough… to drive them crazy. [laughter] I thought of the perfect amount. I say I make about $940,000 a year. [laughter] “No. Seriously? [laughter] There is no way… Are you fucking with me? [laughter] Honey, you think this guy makes $940,000 a year? I mean… if he was lying, he would have said a million, right? [laughter] This guy makes 940 K. Good on him.” Here’s the twist in that joke, that is what I make. [laughter] Joke had a twist in it, people. It’s like, The Crying Game of jokes. [laughter] That’s my only point of reference for a twist. A movie that 11 people saw 28 years ago. [laughter]

Got a great voice. Huh? I’m talking about myself. A woman told me once that my voice is like butter. She goes, “Your voice is like butter.” I played it cool, I didn’t say anything stupid to her. I didn’t say,”Well, your voice is like grilled corn on the cob. [laughter] Some people like it with butter.” I didn’t say, “Your voice is like a stack of pancakes hot off the griddle. You know, before anyone’s put any butter on them.” I didn’t say, “Your voice is like dry toast. Ooh, why is it dry?” I think you know the answer. No butter.” What I did say was, “Ooh, butter’s not really the best thing for you.” I didn’t even say that. I said, “Really? You like my voice? [squeaky voice] Oh, my God, you want to hang out? What are you doing? Where are you going? I don’t understand. Why are you walking away? Don’t you want to hear more of this butter?” Don’t worry about that one. [laughter] Easy cut. [laughter] That was a little treat for you guys. “Seriously, Todd? As a treat you gave us a not-that-great joke?” It’s a  hit or miss joke, it’s not a bad one. This guy’s like, “Man, I wish I could take notes.” [laughter]

A little jet lag, caught one of those noon red eye flights. [laughter] I call all flights “the red eye”, makes me feel like a real businessman. People love telling you they took the red-eye. “The Red eye’s great. Get on the plane at 1:00 AM. Sit upright for six hours. [laughter] Land in New York at that sweet, sweet time, 4:55 in the morning. [laughter] At work by 8:00, passed out in a conference room by 8:15. [laughter] Looking for new job at 8:30. [laughter] Simply impossible without the red eye. [laughter] I stay in a lot of hotels. Things go wrong in hotels. When things go wrong in hotels and you complain… their favorite way to fix things is to offer you a free breakfast… no matter what the complaint was. “So, Mr. Barry, you opened the door to your room you found a family of eight already in there?” “Yes, that’s true.” “I’ve got some good news for you. Sure, there’s nine of you, but only one of you is getting a free breakfast.” [laughter] You’re going to love looking at those eight sets of jealous eyes… as you’re sitting on the bathroom floor in your room eating microwaved eggs. “So, Mr. Barry, you found six dead dogs in your bed?” “Yes, that’s true.” “Well that must have made you hungry.” [laughter] Why don’t come on down to the front desk, my friend… I’ll give you a coupon good for a free breakfast… conveniently served between four and six a.m. [laughter] You’re a trucker. Right? “I am hauling a big load of amazing jokes from town to town.” [laughter]

Went to Chicago. They have a really nice Walgreens in Chicago. They do. They converted an old bank into a Walgreens. It’s beautiful. The vault is the Vitamin section. I walked in there, I was so impressed I went on Twitter and wrote, “I have to give out my first annual Best Walgreens Award.” the winner is Chicago, Milwaukee Avenue location. Some guy writes back immediately. “The cops killed a guy there a year ago.” [laughter] Okay. What do you want me to do now? [laughter] Take the award back? [laughter] A little late for that, my friends. First annual Todd Barry Best Walgreens award. I’m not going to take it back ’cause a guy was shot there a year ago. Didn’t happen while I was in the store. It’s not like I was walking around the candy aisle, and a guy gets gunned down next to me, I’m like… “This is a nice Walgreens.” [laughter] I wonder if that’s the original tile.

Stayed at a hotel in Chicago. A few weeks after I stayed there, I got my credit card bill. There was a charge from the hotel that I didn’t recognize… for 100 dollars even. So, I called up the hotel. I go, “What’s going on with this charge?” She’s like, “It looks like something was missing from the room.” “Okay, what’s that?” She goes, “Let me look it up.” “Oh, the bedspread.” [laughter] The bedspread’s missing. “So, you think I stole a hotel bedspread.” [laughter] I don’t steal things from hotels, but if I ever start… I assure you… it will never be the bedspread. I would rip out the carpeting, [laughter] throw it in a backpack, then run through the hallways grabbing stacks of unwashed room service trays… before I stole the most disgusting thing… [laughter] in the entire building. There is no one stealing… a hotel bedspread. Even an actual thief, who needs a bedspread… but can only afford the hotel room, is not standing there going, “Sweetie, we need a bedspread, right? Can we afford one? I think they cost $100 even. [laughter] I got an idea. Open up the suitcase, baby. Is there room for a king size bedspread in there? [laughter] There is? That’s weird. [laughter] Grab this thing… take it home get it sanitized for 200 bucks. [laughter] And the fact that it’s horribly ugly is just a bonus.” [laughter]

I’m going to do one more thing. Alright? Here we go. I found this article in Esquire magazine. It’s a men’s magazine with articles like how to get a good gin and tonic at the Houston Airport. [laughter] Anyway… it’s an article written by woman called “How to feel good to a woman.” It’s advice for men on how to make women feel good. I’m now going to read this article. [laughter] And I’m going to insert comments. “Wait Todd, you’re not just going to read? I think that is very artistic.” No, I’m taking it to the next level. This is a real article… called “How to feel good to a woman.” Here we go. “If I’m taking a shower at your place, stack fresh towels, thick and white and fluffy, more than I’ll need.” [laughter] She needs more towels than she needs. [laughter] “I stayed over at Bob’s place yesterday. It was terrible.” -“What happened?” – “I took a shower.” “Oh my God, he didn’t have any towels?” “No, he only had one towel for the one shower I took.” [laughter] “Wait, he only had the perfect amount of towels?” Yes, he had towels in direct proportion to how many towels I needed.” [laughter] Sounds like an asshole. [laughter]
“I’ll need a toothbrush, conditioner…” No toothpaste. [laughter] I’ve used conditioner for many different things, but… never as toothpaste.
“You know that awesome serendipity when you descend into a friend’s basement to watch the game and he’s got the scene set: hot wings, cold beer within arm’s reach, a video console setup for halftime…?” I don’t know what any of that means. First of all, I don’t know anyone who has a basement. That’s weird. A basement. Who the fuck has a basement? And if I did, and I went to their house for the game, I wouldn’t be like “Hey those wings you paid for… they’re not within arm’s reach. [laughter] Not very serendipitous of you.” [laughter] Anyway, she says that, because “that’s how I want to feel in your bathroom.” [laughter]
“Body scrub, new razor. Holy shit, a loofah.” That’d be more like, “Body scrub, new razor. Loofah. Holy shit, he’s gay.” [laughter]
“Kiss me for longer than you can handle…” [laughter] Fair enough on that one, I guess. “even when you know that more is on the way.” Hey. [laughter] I never assume more is on the way. [laughter] “Open mouth and bench the tongue.” Yes, she’s suggesting open-mouth tongueless kisses. [laughter] Sounds fun, right? [vocalizing] [vocalizing continues] [intoning] “Why are we kissing like this?” “I read it in a magazine.” “I got a tongue. It’s on the bench. It’s benched. [muffled] I bench my tongue. This is a good way to kiss. All those years I haven’t been kissing like this.”
“Urgent but not desperate.” Anyone who is urgent and not desperate, not reading this. [laughter]
“Your arms are tight around my back and my waist, and they stay there… [laughter] forever.” Long after we’ve broken up. [laughter] Glad your husband is being so cool about this. [laughter]
“Don’t shave for three days, and then kiss my neck.” [laughter] “Actually, can you shave next time? You scratched me.” [laughter]
“Smell like something all the time. [laughter] Choose a small world and invoke it. Maine… the state, a forest… the wet end of August.” [laughter] I’d try to smell like the wet end of August, if I knew what that meant. [laughter] “It’s warm and damp, and you’re felling trees in a flannel shirt. Moss and sweat and hard won timber. Try Kiehl’s Original Musk Blend Number One, so I can wear it when you’re not around.” Why don’t I get your own bottle, and you never be around. [laughter]
“Now kiss my neck again.” So we went all of August without a neck kiss? [laughter]
“Hold me like nothing can slither between us…” Hey… It was your idea to fuck at the reptile house. [laughter] “…but so I can detach if I want to. I always give women the option to detach if they want to, since the other option is against the law. [laughter] There is no, like, “No, you can’t detach, even though you told me you wanted to.” “The key is in the grip, encompassing but not fierce, one arm around my waist and the other across my shoulders.” -That’s called a hug. Thank you for that. -[laughter] Everyone’s done that.
“Hands are a Goldilocks dilemma.” [laughter] How else would you describe hands? If I had a little nephew, and he was like, “Uncle Todd, what are what are hands?” [laughter] “You remember that dilemma in Goldilocks?” [laughter] “Dilemma, Uncle Todd? I don’t know what hands are.” “They shouldn’t be as soft as mine, but they shouldn’t catch skin either. If they’re oyster-shucking rough, use a drugstore lotion. If they’re too soft, build me a desk from raw wood.” [laughter] “Well Lisa, we’ve been on a couple of nice dates, but… [laughter] not sure we’re to the point where I’m building furniture for you. But I appreciate the wood preference. It’s been noted.”
“Don’t pull my hair. Push it.” [laughter] I’m going to pull it. [laughter] I’m going to overrule you on this one. I’m not going to push your hair. While doing open mouth, tongueless kisses… [vocalizing] Aw, yeah. Ooh, an iguana. [laughter]

Goodnight. Thank you. [cheering and applause]


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