WHITNEY CUMMINGS: I’M YOUR GIRLFRIEND (2016) – Full Transcript

2017-12-25T23:22:16-08:00 December 25th, 2017|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend (2016)

(techno music playing) ♪ ♪ ♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it… ♪ ♪ Play it, say it, say it, say it… ♪ Woman: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Whitney Cummings! (cheering)
I have to pee. I’m good! What is up, bitches? Come on! (cheering) Thank you so much for being here. I’m shooting my HBO special, no big deal. This has been a dream of mine for a very long time, so thank you for being here, for showing up. I really appreciate it.
Thank you for wearing shorts, sir. You were getting ready, you’re like, “I’m going to Whitney’s dream come true, and I’m gonna… “I’m gonna wear these seersucker…” operative word: suck… “shorts. “I just want her to look at my scrotum the whole night to let her know what I think of her accomplishments.” You know, just that thigh. You know, that weird part of your thigh that just looks like a swollen vagina? That’s what I’m looking at. Really appr… Thanks for shaving, sir. And where’s the camera. Is there a camera in the… And for you guys at home, if you’re watching this on YouTube, fuck you, Go to HBO Go, like an adult, so I can get ten cents, okay, out of this view. (cheers, applause) Thank you.

I’m wearing heels tonight, it’s the least you could fucking do. I like you guys. You guys are hot, sexy. Sexy people. Are you guys young? Young? Yeah? Yeah? Anyone in their 20s? – 20s? – Audience: Whoo! That’s what you do in your 20s, you “whoo.” Hold old are you? – 27. – 27. Well, you’re 30. (laughter, applause) Younger than 27? – Woman: 24. – 24! (laughing) Yeah, life’s about to fuck you up real bad. I love seeing girls in their 20s. It cracks me up, man. It reminds me of when I was in my 20s. ‘Cause when I was in my 20s, I was such an idiot. Like, when I was in my 20s, I was the worst combination of… I was arrogant, but I was also, like, delusional, you know? Like, when I was in my 20s, I thought that I was a catch. I thought I was funny and interesting and smart, but I wasn’t. You’re not. Okay? It’s just that guys want to have sex with you, right? So they laugh at your stupid jokes. They listen to your boring-ass stories. And then you start getting an ego. You start thinking you’re awesome. Then you turn 30, and guys stop wanting to have sex with you, and then you’re just left with a terrible personality. That’s what happened to me. I got enabled in my 20s, now I’m in my 30s, and I’m just a… dick. I’m the worst. I’m loud. I’m obnoxious. I’m bossy. You know?

But I think I got confused about what guys like. ‘Cause you remember there was a rumor going around for a while that men like strong women? People would say that. They’d be like, “Men like strong women. Men like independent, strong women.” Yeah, no they don’t. Okay, I’ve seen porn. Men like Asian schoolgirls with duct tape over their mouths. (laughter, applause) That’s what men like. Literally, in porn they have categories you can pick from. There’s a menu on the side. It’s like, “girl-on-girl, college girls,” there’s no “CEO.” (laughter) Guys aren’t watching porn, like, “Yeah, girl, get that promotion, yeah.”
It sucks. It sucks because I feel like I worked my ass off to accomplish my goals, to accomplish my dreams. Now I feel like I have the best life ever. I have the career I want, but guys are not into that. Guys aren’t into self-sufficient girls, you know, who are independent. That’s not a turn-on. I’m not a sexy woman. My dirty talk is not sexy. I’m like, “Hey, wanna come back to my house… that I own?” (laughter) Not a turn-on. Guys like girls to be, like, vulnerable and coy. Guy’s like girls to be like “Mmm… “I’m lost. “Can you help me? Mmm… Your dick’s too big, it hurts. Mmm…” It doesn’t. (laughter, applause) I’m in my 30s. Nothing fucking hurts anymore. My lower back kind of hurts. – (laughter) – That’s another… That’s a different story.

So, I don’t know what to do, you know? I can’t stop achieving my goals, right? I can’t stop doing what I love. So I feel like what I need to start doing is when I meet a guy that I like, I just need to acknowledge what they find unattractive about me and just straight up negotiate with them. I’m gonna be like, “Look, I know I’m not 24, but… “I have a pool.” “I know I’m not adorable and coy, but I can pay all your bills. I can get you out of debt today!”
There’s so much evidence in our culture that you guys like tiny, fragile women. You know, especially in our vernacular. Even the fact that you guys call us “baby.” No one else think that’s weird? Especially in a sexual connotation. Baby is the only socially acceptable increment of age you can say to a woman in bed, you know? You can’t be like, “Yeah, bend over toddler, yeah.” “Yeah, you like that, preteen? Uhn!” I don’t like it. I think it’s creepy. That’s when a guy calls me “baby” in bed, I’ll be like, “Waah!” And then I just shit my pants just to make a point. Like, you want a baby, you got one, weirdo.

Guys like girls to be babies, and guys like girls to be bad. Right? You guys like “bad girls.” So bizarre. It always happens, you start dating a guy, it’s only a matter of time before you’re having sex and he’s like, “Are you a bad girl?” I’m always like, “No. I pay my taxes on time.” And, also, I feel like before we play this game of Are You a Bad Girl, we should agree on a definition of bad that works for both of us, okay? I’m a comedian, my taste is a little bit off. If I was really gonna double down on the bad girl game, I’d be like, “Yeah, I’m a bad girl, I have herpes and I didn’t tell you, yeah.” – Man: No! – “No”? “It’s not… That’s not an aphrodisiac, okay, right. We’ll circle back, I’ll work on that.”

Guys like girls to be babies, guys like girls to be bad, and guys like girls to be exotic. Guys are into exotic girls now. I know this because a girlfriend of mine set me up on a blind date with this guy, then she called me and rescinded the date. She was like, “Yeah, it’s not gonna work out. I found out he’s only into Cuban girls.” I was like, “All right, I can put on some self-tanner, and drink out of a fucking coconut. What do you want?” And she was like, “No, it’s not about the skin color. “He’s not into Brazilian girls, he’s not into Spanish, it’s just Cuban.” And I was trying to figure out like, what is the fetish of the island of Cuba? Just Cuba. The only thing I could deduce is that Cuban girls must be super fun to date ’cause they’re super easy to impress ’cause they’ve never had American products before. So, he’s like, “I got you a Coca-Cola.” She’s like, “Oh my God, he’s a millionaire!” Yeah, you guys have to read the news to get that one.

I think it’s gonna be harder and harder for you guys to find these kind of weak, submissive women. ‘Cause women aren’t like that anymore. Women are badasses now. All my girlfriends are strong, self-sufficient, have awesome jobs, you know? And I… Here’s the thing. I think feminism is working, but I don’t know if you guys like it. I think you guys are mad at us about it, and it’s coming out in nefarious ways.
Like, the way guys talk about women has gotten more aggressive. The way guys talk about having sex with women has gotten super violent. I was talking to a guy friend of mine a couple weeks ago, and he goes, “I hooked up with this girl the other night. Destroyed that shit.” It’s like, “Excuse me?” He goes, “Yeah, dude, I murdered that shit, bro.” It’s like, first of all, you did not murder her. She’s fine. She’s at home. She might be a little disappointed, but she’s gonna… She’s gonna get through it. She survived the wrath of your murderous dick. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew! You did not kill her. You might have given her a urinary tract infection, but she’s gonna… She’s gonna bounce back. I don’t think that’s a healthy way to talk about women. And my theory is that women have gotten stronger, and as they get more self-sufficient, you guys are getting more aggressive towards us. ‘Cause 10-15 years ago, you guys didn’t talk that way about women. You guys would say, you know, like, “I’m gonna tap that.” Right? “I’m gonna hit that.” Now it’s like, “I’m gonna murder it.” I feel like in 10 years, it’s gonna be so disgusting. Guys, you’ll be like, “Hooked up with this girl the other night. “Scalped the bitch, bro. “She’s a full amputee now. “Motherfucking no legs. “Eats from a tube. “My dick. You know Helen Keller? My dick did that.”

It’s too much. I don’t think music is helping. Music has gotten so rude towards women. Have you guys heard the song “Fight Night.” No black people here? That’s embarrassing. Santa Monica. Hashtag Santa Monica. (laughter, applause) Are you applauding? Like, some kind of white power rally? Don’t applaud that! Oh, God. The song goes, “I’m gonna knock that pussy out like it’s fight night.” That’s a song. There’s another song that says “I’m gonna beat that pussy up.” I’m like, I’m sorry, what did our vaginas ever do to you? Besides give you life and make you feel amazing all the time? How ’bout instead of beating it up and knocking it out, how ’bout maybe, I don’t know, giving it an orgasm? I don’t know. (cheering, applause) I would like to hear that song. “I’m gonna make you climax, girl. I’m gonna make you trust me.” I… (laughter) I would like to hear that song.
I blame rappers. It’s not just male rappers, female rappers are just as bad. You guys know Nicki Minaj? Yeah, big Nicki Minaj fans? I used to love Nicki Minaj. But then I heard her talk, and it wasn’t good. So, she sounded like such a hypocrite, and I think she’s a bad role model ’cause she was up there, and she was like, “You know, men don’t respect me in the rap game because I’m a woman, and people don’t respect me ’cause I’m a woman.” I was like, no, no, no. Uh, not at all. We don’t respect you ’cause we can see your asshole. Has nothing to do with the fact that you’re a woman, okay? We respected Mary J. Blige just fine. Here’s my point. I think that women should be able to be sexy and glamorous, and feminine and professional. You could be a myriad of things. But as you’re getting dressed for your album cover, you also have to acknowledge basic human nature and neurology, okay? You have to acknowledge the fact that men’s brains are basically only designed to look for holes. It’s pretty much all they’re doing at any given moment, just scanning for crevices. They’re like gophers, just looking for holes to get into. Counting, like, two, four… eight, that’s a golf course. Constantly adding them up. So, sometimes we have to help you guys out. You get very distracted by that, right? When I look at Nicki Minaj’s ass, I think awful, terrible, shameful things. I’ll be like, “Yeah, I bet if I hit that from behind that shit would pop.” I’m like, “Oh, my God!” So, I can’t even imagine what you guys are thinking, you know?

And here’s the thing, I’m a comedian. I want you guys to listen to what I’m saying, I want you to think I’m funny, I want you to focus. So, I’m not gonna do stand-up like this… (laughter) (cheering) This is not the most effective way to do stand-up, right? I’m not gonna be like, “Hey, guys, did you see that election coverage last night? “Yeah!” No. You can’t focus because if I’m standing like this, you’re either looking at my ass, which you’re not, which is very insulting. Is that your girlfriend? Right there? Yes? She… He goes, “Clearly.” Why, because you’re not allowed to look at an ass that’s two feet in front of your face? I like her. She runs a tight ship. I respect that. He did not even look. So regardless, you’re either looking at my ass, or worrying about my knees, one of the two. So, that’s not the best position, and I think that that’s just a hypocritical way to operate because guys can’t have their dicks out, you know? Like, male rappers can’t rap with their dicks out. If I saw a male rapper with his dick out, I wouldn’t be respecting him either, or listening to what he was saying. If I saw a male rapper with his dick out, I would be calling the police, which is such a testament to the nature of man. That when a woman is naked, you’re like, “Look at that beautiful woman,” and when a man is naked, you’re like, “There was a crime. Something horrible happened over there, guys.”

It’s an interesting time. We’re living in a fascinating time. We’re living in a time where women have money, okay? Which is… Do you realize how new that is, right? That’s like 30 years old, or something, and there’s no blueprint for how to operate, and I think it’s really messing up the power dynamic. Like, the fact that I can pay my own bills, that’s such a big deal for me. I thought that making money was gonna solve all my problems, especially my relationship problems. ‘Cause when I was in my 20s, I had to date guys that had money ’cause I didn’t have any. But now that I make my own money, I felt like it opened up this whole new pool of broke guys that I couldn’t date before, so I’ve been doing that. They’re much nicer. And the last guy I dated, I paid for everything. I paid for trips, I paid for dinners, and now that I’ve sort of been the man in the relationship, now that I’ve been in your shoes, I now understand why you guys hate us. It’s ’cause we owe you so much fucking money. And something happens psychologically when you start to pay for someone where you start to hate them. Start to hate everything about them. You resent them. You start keeping score of everything they do. One day he came home. He was drinking a coconut water. It’s like, “Coconut water? What are you, the queen of fucking England? “How ’bout you drink out of the tap like a goddamn man, how ’bout that?” And then they nag you. They always need something from you, you know? He’d be like, “Do you wanna go to dinner?” I’m like, “You just ate yesterday. Do you have a tapeworm? What’s the problem?”
I feel like I now understand why you guys are always so disappointed in us, too. ‘Cause something happens when you start paying for someone where you start to get these high expectations for their behavior. Like, as soon as I started paying for him, I started expecting him to like, do chores out of nowhere. Like, one night we went to dinner, I spent $200 on dinner, the next morning I woke up, I was like, “This is weird, it’s 8:00 a.m., and I don’t smell eggs. Yeah, chop-chop, bitch. Mommy’s hungry.”
It’s tricky. I also started noticing all these, like, unspoken rules that happen with the expectations based on who pays. Like, the expectation if the man pays for the woman is that she’s gonna have sex with you, right? But when I was paying for the man, the expectation was I am not gonna have sex with you, and we’re gonna stay up all night talking about my dreams. We’re gonna read some horoscopes tonight, bitch.
And then I saw, like, all the insidious institutionalized sexism. Like, every time we would go to dinner, the waiter would automatically give him the check. And then he would fucking take it, and then when the waiter would leave, he would slide it over to me. I was like, “Oh, hell no!” If you take the check, you’re paying. You better find yourself a Groupon real fast.

I also get now why people stay in relationships too long. Because money makes things stickier. Like, I feel like I stayed in that relationship three months too long just ’cause I didn’t want to get a bad return on my money. Because dating is such a terrible investment. Which made me think, like, I can’t believe we just run around spending money on relationships that we don’t know is gonna work out. It’s a terrible investment. I feel like there should be some kind of insurance in place to protect us. Like, I feel like dating should be like checking into a hotel. Okay, you and I are gonna start dating. As soon as we start dating, you have to put your credit card down. Three months later, if you want to break up, I’ll be like, “All right, well, let’s look at your bill. Yeah, you owe me $3,200 or you can’t fucking leave.” And now that I’ve spent my hard-earned money on someone that I never see, I can’t stand that it’s just assumed that you guys pay for everything. I think that is so messed up. I’m on your guys’ side about this. I think it’s insane that it’s just socially constructed that you pay for everything. I think that’s nuts. I actually think if you guys take a girl to dinner three times and you pay, and then you never hear from her again, I think you should be able to call the police. That’s some bullshit.

I am very ashamed of how the relationship ended, though. I’m embarrassed about it, but I think it’s important to talk about. I think I just lost respect for him because he wasn’t contributing in any way financially. Which is messed up because I feel like women don’t contribute to relationships all the time, and that’s okay. But I think the problem is human nature. I think for evolutionary purposes, we are hardwired to stop being sexually attracted to men when they show any kind of weakness. And I know this is true ’cause one time I was dating this guy, I was madly in love with him. Like, I thought that we were gonna get married. We’re walking down the street, and he tripped and fell. And I instantly fell out of love with him. I just… Like, I couldn’t… Like, I was embarrassed to even be near him. Like, I was disgusted by him. I think my primal brain was like, “No, he is not a provider. “He cannot protect you. “He’s a danger to you and the whole tribe. The whole species is in trouble.”

It’s cold-blooded, man. Cold-blooded. I love that women have money now. It’s so cool. But I feel like there’s still this residual stereotype. Even though women have money, there’s this stereotype that all women are gold-diggers. You know, like all my guy friends truly believe that women want to have sex with them, get pregnant with their baby, and just take everything for all they’re worth. Take them for all their… shorts. I don’t want your shorts. Okay? I’m not interested. I know that this is true, ’cause last year I dated a guy who treated me like I was a gold-digger. Backstory: First of all, he did not have a job. That’s important. The second is kind of graphic, which is that something happened to me when I turned 30 where I just could not use condoms anymore. – I’d… – (cheering) Oh, okay. Well, that’s really aggressive. Just… troubling. No, I think it’s actually because I got health insurance. Something happens when you get health insurance. It’s very liberating. I was like, “This is Obamacare’s problem now. It’s not my problem.” So, I said to him, I was like, “Hey, I don’t have anything, so if you don’t have anything, let’s just not use condoms.” And he’s like, “Yeah, but I feel like we should still use condoms, you know, like, so you don’t get pregnant.” I was like, “Oh, no. We’re good. I’m on the pill.” He was like, “Yeah, but the pill, it’s only 98% effective.” I was like, “I’m sorry. “Do you think that I want your broke-ass fucking baby? “You think I’m scamming to get your shitty kid? “So I can take you for all you’re worth? “What am I gonna take, your fucking roommates? “The five grown-ass men you live with in a studio apartment? “I’m not a gold-digger. I’m the one with the gold, dummy. “Okay, trust me, if I got pregnant with your child, “my lawyer would come over, and they would… terminate that shit himself, okay? We’re good. We’re fine.” Ridiculous. I don’t want a white baby. What am I gonna do with a white baby? That’s embarrassing. I’d like to think I’m a little more successful than that.

Brings me to a topic I’m very passionate about, which is birth control options that are available to women. I can’t believe that we don’t have better options for birth control. They all drive me crazy. What are you on? – What are you taking? – It’s an IUD. You have an IUD. Come up here, we’re gonna take it out. I hate this product. Is yours plastic or metal? – Plastic. – Yours is plastic. Okay, well, she’s got a McDonalds toy in her body right now. Most of them are metal, some are plastic. Most of them are a little piece of metal they put inside your uterus. I’m like, I don’t want metal inside my body. I don’t wanna be going through airport security and having the guys behind the x-ray machine like, “Oh, look at this slut coming through. “This bitch had to put a tin can up in there to stop all that sperm.” No, I don’t want metal in my body. What if there’s a storm? “Guys, I can’t make it tonight, it’s raining.” I hate this product. Mostly because, like, they would never develop that product for men. That would never be a product on the market for men. Right? You and I would never be dating, and you’d be like, “Babe, what should we do for birth control?” I’d be like, “I have an idea. “How about we take a metal rod and put it up your dick hole, “and leave it there for about five years, or until it gets infected. Is that a good idea?” I hate this product. And it has like, three pages of side effects. I can’t believe that they release a product with three pages of side effects. I’m like, “Go back, it’s not ready.” I looked at the side effects for the IUD. It was like migraines, abdominal pain, and depression. I was like, “I might as well have a fucking kid.”
What about you? What are you up to? Pill. The pill. Do you know which one? No? This fucking generation, man. They don’t even… They’ll just put anything in their mouths. They don’t even care. Like, “Oh, poison? Fine.” You don’t even… Do you know what color the box is, at least? – It’s pink. – It’s pink. Motherfuckers. I hate that. That drives me nuts. Like, that is so… Everything about the pill is insulting to me. The fact they make the box pink. The pill is pink, as if all women just like, love pink. And if the pill being pink affects your decision of whether you’re gonna take it or not, that means you’re 10 years old and you’re too young to be on birth control anyway, okay? Second of all, if you want me to remember to take my pill every day, don’t make it pink. Make it in the shape of tiny crying babies.
I can’t stand the pill. I actually just read this article about how the pill works. Basically, the way the pill works is it tricks your body into thinking you’re pregnant. Your brain starts producing the same neurochemicals and hormones as if your body is pregnant, you know this. You watch Oprah. Good girl. And then you start being attracted to more alpha males. Their pheromones start smelling stronger, and you’re attracted to alpha males, the kind of man that could protect your future offspring. The problem is that in modern times alpha males are signified by tattoos and motorcycles, which explains why I’ve been dating such assholes since I’m 15 years old. The way that it works is that I meet a nice, sensitive guy I want to share my future with. I start taking birth control to plan it, and then all of a sudden, I only can have an orgasm if I smell Axe body spray. That’s not fair. And it’s an example of how biology has not yet caught up with modern technology. It’s the 21st century, I don’t need an alpha male to protect me. We have street lights, okay? We have alarm systems. I don’t need an alpha male. I need a guy with fast Wi-Fi, so I can google “Can I take Xanax while pregnant?” That’s my baby’s father. Okay? I don’t need a big, strong man to fight off a tiger. I need a geek who can get my naked photos off the cloud.
I hate the pill. Everything about the packaging of the pill is so insulting. Like, even the fact that it’s the only medication that comes with a calendar. Like we’re too stupid to remember to take our pill every day. The guys that developed it are like, “They can’t handle taking their pill every day, “so let’s make it look like a tiny advent calendar, “and we’ll trick them into taking it. They’ll be like, “‘Ooh, chocolate? Gobble, gobble, gobble.'” I feel like the calendar’s actually for you guys. ‘Cause I know you guys like, go and look at our pill at 2:00 in the morning, and you’re like, “Oh, Wednesday’s empty, thank God.”
They put so much effort into trying to make sure we don’t forget to take our pill. Like, they make a patch. Have you heard of the birth control patch? It’s like a sticker you put on your shoulder that administers the medication for you. It’s like, can you imagine getting a girl naked and seeing a giant patch? Like, “Ooh, she’s slutty and she has a bad memory. That’s wifey material. Put a ring on that shit.”
So, I told my doctor I didn’t want to use birth control pills anymore, and she was like, “Oh, well, you should use the morning after pill. You know, the plan B pill is now available over-the-counter.” I’m just like, “How lazy can you be?” The guy’s like, “Do you have a condom?” I’m like, “Ugh. Let’s just deal with it in the morning.” Which, by the way, we’re not gonna deal with it in the morning. I’m the one that has to deal with it. I’m the one who has to wake up at 6:00 a.m. and go stand in line. And you realize the morning after pill is $49? I have never had sex with a guy and the next morning been like, “Yeah, that was worth 50 bucks.” And it’s not just 50 bucks ’cause you can’t just buy a morning after pill alone or the cashier’s gonna think you’re a slut. So, you gotta buy a bunch of other products to put on top of it to hide it. You know? You gotta crowd it with like, Q-tips and floss, and a bunch of other shit you’re never gonna use.
What else is there? Am I missing anything? NuvaRing? That’s not still happening, is it? NuvaRing? What are you doing? The pill. What kind? Do you know? You’re on Ortho Tri-Cyclen? That’s some ’90s shit. I was taking that in the ’90s! Bitch, you are loyal. I like that. Are you still on AOL? Jamming out with a Walkman, she’s like, “Unh!” with her CD, “Mmm.” – NuvaRing. No NuvaRing? – Woman: Yes! Yes, okay. Let’s… Do you have it in right now? – Yes? – Yes! Yeah, okay. Good to know. I just wanted to get a visual, thank you. I gotta have some fun up here, too, guys. I just… To me, the NuvaRing, that is just proof that doctors get stoned out of their minds and just start brainstorming ideas for women’s birth control. They’re like, “Oh my God, oh my God, I have an idea. “What if we took a piece of tupperware “and made it in the shape of our dicks “so when we’re having sex we can, like, play basketball with our dicks?” They’ll be like, “Yeah, two points! Two points! Two points!” The only logical explanation for that.

I know a lot about birth control right now because I recently had to do something kind of cool. I have an announcement to make. Do you guys want to hear it? Audience: Yeah! Last month I froze my eggs. (cheers) I always love this reaction from people. ‘Cause the women always clap and the guys just panic. Like, they just… They think they’re in trouble or something. Which is so weird to me because I thought guys would love that I froze my eggs. I thought I would be, like, the sexy, awesome girl who doesn’t want to get pregnant right now. But no, it’s not hot. It’s not an aphrodisiac. Guys aren’t into it. You can’t be hooking up with a guy and he’s like, “Hey, do you have a condom?” I’m like, “Don’t worry, boo, my shit’s on ice down by the airport.” Guy’s aren’t into it. Maybe it’s ’cause you guys don’t know what it is? That’s what I think. Do you know what it is? No idea. Just based on the words egg freezing? Just freeze ’em? Just freeze ’em? Just… That’s… What’s that move? Just freeze ’em. You mean, like… They’re not in my freezer. It’s not like a freezer drawer. Just put ’em in the fridge. Just… You know what this guy is? Just based on your response to that, you seem like you’re, like, “literal guy,” you know? Like, everyone’s dated literal guy. The guy who in an argument just sticks to the facts. You’re the guy who’s like, “No, I didn’t say you were a bitch, I said you were being a bitch.” And then you’re like, “Shit, I gotta regroup. Hold on.” What about you? Do you know what it is, egg freezing? Yes, you do? What? Cryopreserve your eggs. Whoa, good! You cryopreserve your eggs. That was good. You’ve been watching some weird porn, obviously. Yeah, so basically, I just realized that most guys don’t know what it is. I found this out because the week that I froze them, I had to be on bed rest for a couple days, and I had to cancel a gig. So, I told my agent can you tell the manager I need to reschedule it. I go to the reschedule date, the manager runs up to me, he’s like, “Are you okay? I heard your ovaries were removed!” I was like, “Okay, let’s just talk about this.” So, essentially, you freeze your eggs if you want to get pregnant at some point, but just not right now.
Like, I’m not ready. I would like to have a kid at some point, but I’m not responsible enough yet. I still leave coffee on the top of my car like twice a day. I should not be a mother right now. And biology is again completely backwards. Like, it’s ridiculous to me that a 15-year-old girl can get pregnant easily, but a 45-year-old woman can’t. Like, I have never met a 15-year-old girl and been like, “You would make a great mom. “Love your Instagram selfies. I think you’re ready to be responsible for a human life.” No. And all my girlfriends in their 40s are fucking awesome. They’re all like superheroes, they can do anything. I have a girlfriend the other day had a splinter, she ripped it out with her teeth… like it was nothing. I have a girlfriend, she’s 45, she can return things at a store without a receipt. That’s like some Jason Bourne shit right there.
I’m really glad that I did it. I feel like it took off all this pressure that I had on me, you know? Like, I realized before I froze my eggs, there was just this constant inner monologue that was like, “Is this the guy you’re gonna be with? If not, you have to move on to someone else.” And I felt like I had to accomplish all my professional goals by the time I was, like, 35. And it was just in the back of my mind all the time. Like, I’d be in traffic, and I’d be like, “You guys, let’s go! “I’m rotting from the inside! “We gotta move, okay? Uterus is molding, let’s move!” I feel like you guys will never understand that pressure because you guys don’t have that clock. Guys can have kids as late as they want. Clint Eastwood had a kid at like, 70 years old. Robert De Niro had one at like, 68, which is so weird to me. The idea of having a kid at 68 years old. That’s like being like, “I really want a kid, but only for, like, 10 years. “And I want to be deaf for most of it. That’s…”

I’m so glad I did it. It took all this pressure off. Like, I used to be this stress case, now I’m just chilling, man. So easy. Like, my agent calls me up, he’s like, “Where’s that script?” I’m like, “I don’t know, I’m high as fuck. “Call Sarah Silverman or some shit, man. ‘Cause I’m watching Game of Thrones again today.” Hey, camera. I… Thank you. You freeze your eggs for a couple of reasons. If you want to postpone having kids, also if you want to get a surrogate at some point, which I’m kind of obsessed with the idea of getting a surrogate. It’s like you hire a woman to carry your kid for you, which I really want to do at some point. But I feel kind of guilty about that idea because when you get a surrogate, you’re essentially, like, asking another woman to do your dirty work for you. It’s like, worse than a guy getting a hooker. ‘Cause when you get a hooker, you guys just want to use a woman’s body for an hour. I want to use it for nine months, and totally wreck it. I’m literally gonna destroy that shit. Not nice.
I just feel like I would like my kid so much more if I didn’t carry my kid. Does that make sense? Like, I totally support those toddler and tiara moms. I think those kids should work. I think they should have to tap dance to pay for all the damage they did to those poor women. Although I feel like if you have a surrogate have your kid you can’t control the kid as well. You know? Like, the way my mom used to guilt me into doing things was she’d be like, “I carried you for nine months.” I’d be like, “Oh… That’s a good point.” But if, like, I had a surrogate, what am I gonna say? I’m gonna be like, “I had to drive 10 minutes to pick you up. Traffic was a nightmare.” Yeah, it’s not as good.
When you freeze your eggs, the doctor asks you if you want to get a donor, like a sperm donor. Because if you want to freeze embryos, you know? Like, basically it’s if you freeze an embryo, that means a sperm fertilizes the egg, and I was like, “I don’t have any sperm available in my house at the moment.” So, he’s like, “Maybe you should get a donor.” And I wasn’t really ready for that, but I got super obsessed with the kind of person who would become a sperm donor. So, I went online and I was, like, on the donor site. You’d think that sperm donors were complete losers. Not true. In order to be a sperm donor, you have to be at least 5’8.” I was like, I’m sorry, what shallow bitch was 45 years old, not married, no options, goes into the sperm bank, is like, “Oh, 5’7”? Never mind. “I’m gonna get on Farmers Only and take my chances. Fuck that weirdo midget.” And in order to be a sperm donor, you have to have at least four years of college. I was like, I don’t want my sperm donor to have four years of college. ‘Cause if you have four years of college and you’re jerking off into a cup for $100, you’re a drug addict. And if you don’t have four years of college and you’re jerking off into a cup for $100, you’re an entrepreneur and I like your hustle. You can be my baby daddy any day. – Man: I will! – You will? I’m good. Pass.

Got me into some trouble. I got cheated on. Has anyone been cheated on? Okay, well, you’ve all been cheated on, just so you know. Sorry you have to find out like this. I fond out in the stupidest way. We were at a movie theater and I dropped my phone in between the seats. So, I asked him if I could use his phone to call my phone. I’m holding his phone for maybe eight minutes. He gets three different text messages from a girl he had programmed in his phone as “Sandylicious.” Think about this. Really think about how hot a girl has to be for a guy to take the time to program in that long of a fucking name. He was like, “S-A-N-D- Y-L-I-C-I…” And you know that shit autocorrected like six times, so he had to go back to the beginning. “S-A-N-D, shit. “S-A… Still worth it… D-I-L-I…” So, I had to confront him about it. I was like, “Hey, why is some girl named Sandylicious texting you at midnight on a Friday?” And he goes, “Oh, she’s my friend.” Why don’t you just punch me in the tit? It would be less insulting to my intelligence. Like, I’m just curious, has that ever worked in the history of time? Has any girl ever been jealously freaking out and the guy was like, “Oh, she’s my friend,” and the girl was like, “Oh my God, I am so sorry! “I was totally overreacting. “Go back to texting your bro, Sandylicious.” No! I have a lot of guy friends in my phone, none of them are programmed in under “Joey smooth dick.” That’s not my friend. We’re not friends.
I feel like you guys don’t know this. It’s also so obvious when you’re getting lied to by a guy ’cause you guys all lie the same exact way. You guys need to have a meeting, or start a chatroom or something. Because you know you’re getting lied to by a guy because he will repeat the question you ask him in the answer to buy time to make up the lie. So, I’ll be like, “Hey, where were you till 3:00 in the morning?” “Where was I? Until 3:00? “In the morning?” It’s like, can you just make up your lie in the car like an adult, please? Can I at least get that respect? And you know you’re getting lied to when a guy goes, “Ugh, well… Well, what do you want me to say right now?” You want me to make up your lie? How lazy can you be? And then you know you’re getting cheated on when a guy goes, “Well, what’s your definition of cheating?” I’m like, “Uh, if you had fun without me, you cheated. It’s very simple.”

Another announcement to make, which is… being cheated on now is extra hard for me because when I was in my 20s, no one ever admits this, but when I was in my 20s, I cheated. Now’s your time, girl. Live it up. I was… I cheated in my 20s because I was an idiot. I was insecure and I was worried the guy I was with was gonna leave me for someone else. Who cares the reason. The point is getting cheated on now is even worse because I know what you’re doing because I’ve done it, and you’re gross. I used to do the shadiest things when I used to cheat. I used to program guys’ names in my phone as other things so the guy I was dating didn’t know what was going on, you know? And then he’s be like, “Hey, why is Bank of America calling you at 2:00 in the morning?” “That is weird. “You know, they’ve really stepped up their customer service. “They really wanna make sure my check clears. I am gonna thank them in the morning.” He’s like, “All right, well, why did Rite Aid just text you a photo of a dick?” “Bizarre! “That’s disgusting. We are switching to Walgreens tomorrow!”

I don’t know if, in general, as a society we’re getting grosser, or if the Internet’s just bringing it to the surface, but I just think, in general, there’s a movement towards perversion that feels new to me. The first thing that made me think this was a couple months ago, I went on a date with a guy, then we went on a second date. On the second date, he asked me if I could squirt. Let’s talk about it. Look, first of all, I do not squirt. Just so you know, I am not a squirter. I am not squirting. I am not a squirting lady. I don’t know if I’m just dehydrated? If I need more Gatorade in my life? I’m not squirting, okay? I mean, if you want, I will compromise, and I will pee on you. I’d rather not, but if that’s your thing, I’m sure I could fashion some pee. I’m gonna have to turn on the faucet. I’m not into it. Here’s the… This is new. This is a new thing.
Five years ago, I never heard about squirting. Okay? Five years ago, I feel like the gross, taboo thing everyone wanted their girl to do was anal. It was all about anal, right? Now anal’s just like… You just have to do that now. It’s not even weird anymore. It’s just, like, on the menu. It’s not just for birthdays anymore. It’s happening. Which, I do not think that’s okay. I think we need to make it weird again. I think we need to make it taboo again.
This is how I know anal sex has gone mainstream. I have a girlfriend, she has a daughter who is 16 years old. She goes to a Catholic school, and she said her girlfriends in the Catholic school at 16 years old are now having anal sex instead of regular sex so that they don’t technically lose their virginity. Right? Have you heard of that? My thing is if you’re having anal sex at 16 years old to stay right with God, I have news for you. There is no God. Get a new religion, ’cause your God fucking hates you. No. No. Stay away from my butt. I have a house. No. I have worked too hard. That’s my point. You guys are getting ungrateful. You guys have lost sight of the fact that our bodies were perfectly designed to have sex with you, anatomically. Whatever you believe in. Say, it’s evolution or God. Say you believe in God. God perfectly designed the female body to have sex with you. Right? Vagina here. Perfect placement. Boobs here if you want a little… Perfect. The head moves back and forth in case you don’t want to look at her face. God thought of everything. And then God was putting the female body together and was like, “Ugh, there’s this other hole. “It’s a terrible hole. “Horrible things come out of it. “It’s awful. We can’t put it in the front or else men would never have sex with women.” God’s like, “You know what I’m gonna do? “I’m gonna hide it. “I’m gonna put it in the back “in, like, a ravine. “I’m gonna put big pieces of fat on either side of it. “He’ll never even know it’s there. She can walk away naked, he’ll never see it. “It’s genius. Genius! “The female body is complete.” Cut to God looking down now. A guy’s like, “Eh, eh, ehh…” God’s like, “Oh, my God! “How did they even find it? “I hid that thing pretty well. They’re animals!”
No. Uh-uh. Nope. Nope. Nuh-uh. No. Not squirting. Nope. We’re starting a movement here tonight. Hashtag no squirting. Get it going. No. You know why? It’s… You guys are pushing it now. You’re ungrateful, you’re spoiled, and you’re pushing it. Like, do our bodies not do enough amazing things? Enough miraculous things? We can make a life. We can get pregnant. We can breastfeed our babies. We can give you orgasms. Now you want us to put out fires? It’s too much. That’s too much. And I’m a pretty slutty person. The fact that there’s something I won’t do, that’s bad. That is off the grid, okay? I’ll do anything. I will literally do anything ’cause I’m fun. I am fun. I’ll do anything. What do you want? Spank me? Great. Go for it. I will try not to laugh, but go for it.
Choking, that’s the new thing. Everyone’s gotta get choked now? Choke me. Great. Choke me. I’ll even throw in a little “Ehh…” I’m fun! I’m fun. But you’re pushing it now, okay? I’m not squirting. Who has time for that? Okay? I’m not gonna clean up squirt. No. I have a job. I don’t have time for that. You gotta go to Home Depot, you gotta get a tarp, you gotta put the tarp down. My bedroom looks like Dexter’s garage. I’m not living that way. Was sex not awkward enough before squirting? Do you remember the awkward talk before sex? Used to be like “Hey, do you have a condom?” Now it’s like, “Hey, do you have a ShamWow? Shit’s about to get crazy.” You don’t want me to squirt. You do not want me to squirt because if I could squirt, I would use it for evil all the time. Any time I was in my boyfriend’s car, I’d be like, “You sure you want to text that girl back? I didn’t think so.”

I’m worried. I’m worried for the next generation of boys. ‘Cause now guys in their… Teenage kids, they watch porn now before they ever actually see a naked woman. Before they ever actually have sex, they’re watching porn. And they think that’s gonna happen. They think that women are just these human Bellagio fountains, just squirting constantly. They think they’re gonna walk into that. Remember our generation of boys, they would show up to lose their virginity with like, a rose. Now kids show up to lose their virginity with just a snorkel, an umbrella, just flippers.
It’s not healthy. It’s all just escalated way too far, way too fast. Do you remember, like, the good old days, like our generation, we used to have, like, first base and second base, remember? It used to be like first base was, like, kissing. Remember? Second base was, you know, hand up the shirt. Now it is so escalated. It is so extreme. Now, like, first base is just sex. Second base, squirting. Third base, gangbang. A home run, he just takes you out in the alley, murders you, jerks off on your dead body.
It’s a war zone out there, man. ‘Cause one day, you guys will become desensitized to squirting. One day, that will be boring to you, and then what are we gonna do? We just gonna have to pull out our intestines and throw ’em in your face? It’s not good. I think we ought to draw a line. We gotta just take it down. It’s getting too intense. It’s like every week you guys come out with a new way to humiliate us. You guys wanna have sex with our boobs now. You guys wanna squeeze our boobs and fuck ’em? What are you doing? What guy was ever having sex with a woman and was like, “Ugh, this vagina feels terrible, ugh. “I wish I had another one that was completely dry. I know what to do.” No, that’s my heart, you idiot! Get your dick off my heart.
You guys have gotten spoiled. You have too many options. That’s the problem, you have too many options. You guys are like… It’s not Whac-A-Mole. I’m a human being. I have feelings and dreams. And parents. You guys are pushing it. It’s getting more… Like, I just feel like you never come back from that, having a man’s… torso in your… face. I feel like one day, one day I will be a mother, right? Thanks to the miracles of egg freezing. One day I will be a mother. I will be holding my beautiful baby, I’ll be looking down at my beautiful baby’s eyes, we’ll be having this beautiful mother-daughter bond, and then I’m just gonna have a flashback to just a dick just a dick, just a dick… It’s not how I wanted motherhood to go down. Excuse me, I have to fix my hair after my dick hit it.

You guys are getting desensitized, and it’s like, I feel like you guys are getting more violent towards us, also. It’s like, the new thing you guys want to do is the gagging thing? (gagging) Is that sexy to you? (resumes gagging) You into that, sir? You into that? Is that your thing? You like that, Internet? If you’re into that, just go to jail now. You’re gonna end up there eventually. What, you want to put your dicks in our throats until we… That’s where I breathe out of. You wanna fuck my oxygen supply now? Is that what it’s come to? Do you even like me? Should I leave? Like, what is the psychology? The psychology of it is like, “Yeah, my big dick’s gonna make her gag.” You know what else makes me gag? A NyQuil gelcap. It’s not that big of a deal. I asked a guy friend of mine about this. I was like, “What’s up with the gagging thing? What’s happening with the gagging thing?” He goes, “Oh, gagging’s awesome ’cause it makes the girl cry.” What?! I thought guys hated it when we cried? Now I know when guys leave the room when I’m crying. They’re going to the bathroom to jerk off. Weirdos. I don’t like it. I just think about all this and I’m like, you know what? I just feel like women, we’re always the ones having to do the gross, kinky, nasty, tricks in the bedroom. I feel like you guys need to come up with a couple fucking tricks. (cheering) Thank you. I will strike a deal with you, okay? I will learn to squirt if you teach your dicks how to blow bubbles.

Thank you guys so much for coming out to the show, everybody! Thank you! (cheering) Thank you! Hi, cuties! Thank you! First and foremost… I just want to say thank you so much for coming out. It’s always been such a big dream of mine to have an HBO special, so this is a very big deal for me. Thank you. Thank you. Um, and I would like to dedicate this special to my father who is right now going through something. Keep fighting, Dad, I love you very much. And, as promised, I will now take some pictures with you guys because I know that the only reason you guys came here was to get a fucking selfie, and you haven’t been listening this entire show, and you’re just trying to figure out how this is gonna benefit you and your Instagram feed. So… (laughing) So, what we’ll do is you guys can put your phone in selfie mode. I think you probably know how to do that, you live in Los Angeles, all you do is take selfies. So, hold it up and I’ll get in the background of it. So, uh, let’s do it. Thank you, guys. I love you. ♪ ♪

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