AZIZ ANSARI: BURIED ALIVE (2013) – Full Transcript

2017-12-07T20:46:25-08:00 December 7th, 2017|Categories: AZIZ ANSARI, COMEDY|Tags: |
  • Aziz Ansari: Buried Alive (2013)

Ladies and gentlemen… Aziz Ansari! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Philadelphia, wow! Thank you. Thank you so much! Wow! Wow! This is awkward. I actually have no material prepared. Um… I just booked this venue for this date and I was like, Oh, I’ll have an act by then. I…don’t, uh… No, it’s gonna be really good. I have one prepared which is convenient ’cause we’re filming and everything. Uh, so, let’s begin.
I, uh, turned 30 years old this year. Yes, it’s been a good year. I have found this year to be the year where a lot of my friends are getting serious about their lives. You know, they call me up. They say serious things. They’re like, “Aziz, you’re not gonna believe it! I just had a baby!” And I always have the same reaction. I always go, “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! That sucks! “I’m so sorry that happened. “Why weren’t you guys not using condoms or birth control? “You’re gonna have to take care of that thing forever! “All right, well, I’ll talk to you later. “I’m going to go do literally anything I want, “’cause I don’t have a baby “so all my options are still options.”

I hate those phone calls. I also hate those emails. Your friends send in those emails. They’ll attach a photo of the baby. They’ll write something cute to welcome the baby. “Hey, everyone! Welcome Lindsay to the Universe!” I always just write back, “Unsubscribe.” Yes, I don’t recall signing up for this mailing list. Please remove me from all future updates. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to throw your baby in my trash.
And now everyone has video cameras on their phones and everything so you can get videos of the babies. Every single video I’ve gotten is exactly the same though. Kid shows up on the screen. End of clip. That’s the amazing footage they needed to share with everyone. “Brian’s first steps!” Look, I walk all the time. I’m not impressed. I’m gonna start sending my own clips back. “Look at this shit. “Brian has nothin’ on this! He has no swagger in his step. He almost fell down after three steps.” Meanwhile, I’m running advanced shit. I can high-step. I can run if I want to. I can even tip-toe behind Brian, push him on the ground and then step on him with my next step. So, that’s how advanced my shit is.

Some of these people aren’t ready to have kids, either. You know, you ever have friends like that? They’re about to have kids. You’re like, “What?! No! They’re dumb. Why? I got a friend. He got married recently. He’s kind of a goofball. I asked him, I said, “Hey, you’re not gonna have kids, are you?” He’s like, “Maybe next year.” I was like, “Dude, “you still have a chain wallet. “You can’t have a chain wallet and a kid at the same time. “Ah, if your wallet is causing you so much problem you have to chain it to your person… you’re not ready to bring life into the world. If you go to like, pay for the baby with a chain wallet, they should like, Oh, no, no, no. we got to put this one back– Whoop!” I’m not ready for that kind of responsibility. If someone came up to me with a baby like, “Hey, you got to look out for this baby.” I be like, “Sorry, I got my own things going on right now. I don’t have time to look out for this little, brown baby.” In this scenario, I’m assuming it’s a little Indian baby. If it was a white baby I’d be like, Get that thing away from me. It’s disgusting!” White babies are gross, man! I’m sorry! They’re like regular babies that aren’t ripe yet.

And look, I’m 30 years-old. That’s a totally reasonable age to have a kid, but to me it’s still terrifying, you know. They have that show 16 and Pregnant. They’re should be a show called 25 and Pregnant. I’d be like, “Oh, no, those poor kids! “They have their whole lives ahead of them. It’s a shame things turned out that way. What happened?” “Me and my husband decided to start a family.” “Bbp! Irresponsible decisions.” That show is the most depressing television show I’ve ever seen. ‘Cause You know, any other reality show where there’s like a big fat guy or something and at the end of the episode he’s eating right, he’s exercising. You’re like, “All right, things are gonna get better. “Yeah, things are gonna get better. Good job TV show. Things are gonna get better.” 16 and Pregnant and you’re like, “Whoa, that’s never getting better.” The only good thing that happened this week was the guy almost got a job at Arby’s… and the girl won a fistfight with her mom. This is brutal. And they don’t do anything nice for the kids at the end of the show. There’s no money. There’s no new house. Come on, do something for those kids. Like maybe at the end of each episode Xzibit could show up. And the kids would be like, “Oh, my God. “Xzibit, are you here to pimp our rides?” And he’d be like, “No, I’m gonna raise your baby as my own! You’re free to go back as being teenagers!” And they’d be like, “Thank you, Xzibit. Thank you so much for our lives!” Then Xzibit would take the baby and put it on a bus with all the other babies he’s collected, and then you do a second show about Xzibit trying to raise 30 babies by himself.

I, I do find the 16 and Pregnant show kinda mean-spirited. You know, ’cause you got a camera crew there, like, “All right, you don’t have any money. “No one’s helping you raise your children. “All hope is lost… And, cut! “Good luck with everything. We got to go. “Let’s go! Sorry. “There’s this other 16-year-old girl “that lives down the street “that had all the advantages in life. “She’s about to have an amazing birthday party. “We’ve got to film that for a second show called Super Sweet 16. It’s a shame you guys can’t switch places for a week ’cause her shit is sweet.” Ugh, I hate the girls on Super Sweet 16. Whenever I watch that show I’m like, “Ugh, could someone impregnate this girl and ruin her life please?” What an awful person. That’d actually be a better show. If they just did horrible stuff to that girl for a week. “Meet Amanda. She’s 16 and horrible. “So we cut the brakes in her car. “We put a bunch of holes in her condoms. Let’s see what happens this week.”

Do those girls not watch the other show? Do they not realize how fortunate they are? They’re sit there complaining about the dumbest stuff just like, “But, but, but, it’s not the right car. It’s not the car I wanted.” They just moved into a car on the other show. Three people are living in a ’89 Honda Civic Coupe. There’s more people than doors. “But the lights aren’t right.” Their kid isn’t right. Their kid has a tooth coming out of his nose, and they can’t pay for a dentist with a tooth in his mouth. The kid’s gonna have to brush his nose for the rest of his life. “But, but, but the balloons aren’t the right color.” Their kid isn’t the right color. They had the wrong father. That’s how crazy shit’s getting over there! It’s a perspective.

Do any of you guys have kids? A round of applause if you got kids somewhere? Wow Aren’t you scared your kid’s getting kidnapped right now? I mean, it’s like eleven O’clock on a Wednesday. Where is your kid?! Seriously. Where is the kid? Who’s watching the kid? Some dumb 15-year-old that lives down the street that’s probably just giving a hand job to some other 15-year-old idiot. Seriously, get out of here! Go! Leave! Leave! Go! You’re sitting there, “Ah, ha, ha, ha!” “Your kid’s in handcuffs!” Probably not. Maybe, but probably not. Look, I’m just saying. I would be worried constantly if I had a kid.
I think about how much my mom let me run around when I was a kid. Ten years-old running around by myself… going to the mall, to the video arcade, to the toy store. Crazy. I should’ve been getting molested all the time. Like, I don’t know how it never happened. Not even once. Not even once. Keep in mind I was the cutest kid of all time. Like, take the most adorable little, brown puppy you can imagine, turn that into a person. That was me as a kid. I mean, who wouldn’t be trying to fuck that? Just an unbelievable level of cuteness. My theory is that I was so cute as a kid that it intimidated child molesters. Like for child molesters, I was kind of like the hot girl at the bar. They’re like, “Oh, my God, Aziz is here! Aziz is here! Aziz is here!” Okay, you can do this. You can do this. Just be yourself. Just be yourself. Confidence. Kids like confidence. Let’s do this. “Hi, Aziz!” “Hi.” That’s a, that’s a cool uh… Ha, ha, that’s a cool uh– That’s a great… All right, well, see you later. Ah! You’re so stupid! You didn’t even say anything! Who am I kidding anyway? This is Aziz we’re talking about. He could fuck any grown man he wants. You know what’s weird? As I can tell, you guys feel sad for the child molester in that joke. I could see it in your faces. You’re saying, “Ah, he’s not gonna get to fuck little Aziz. He seemed so nice.”
You know what’s strange? At some point in your life you actually got to sit down and make sure you weren’t molested. ‘Cause it could be buried. That’s the thing. So at some point you actually got to sit down and think really hard. It’s like… “No, I wasn’t. My childhood was cool. I was mostly just playing with trucks.” ‘Cause it can be buried. If my stuff is buried, I want it to stay buried. I don’t want to wake up when I’m 43 and be like, “Oh, shit! I fucked my T-ball coach. Totally forgot about that– Buried.”

You read these news stories. Man, there’s some sick people out there. You read these news stories. Some sick people. You read news stories like, like, “Oh, the soccer coach has molested the kids for years.” For years? Why do the kids keep going back to the same soccer camp? The only reason I ask that is ’cause I quit soccer ’cause another kid pushed me down on the ground. If I was forced to perform oral sex, I definitely would’ve been done. That would’ve been it for soccer. There’s no way I would’ve went back. That would’ve been a firm deal breaker… guitar lessons would’ve started next Tuesday. So… Wh-what, is my mom gonna get mad at me, “Hey, Aziz, you got to go to soccer practice.” “I’m not going.” “Really, young man? Why aren’t you going to soccer practice?” “Um, the coach is making all the kids suck his dick! “Is that enough reason for me not to go? “Is that enough reason? Oh, am I grounded now? “And no video games? I’ll take that over “an old man jizzing on my belly, “thank you very much. “So send me to my fucking room. I’ll be there not sucking some old man’s jig!” “Knock on my door when those cupcakes are ready.”

You know what’s crazy is there must be kids that talk like that now. You know what I mean? ‘Cause kids aren’t innocent anymore. They know everything. In your head you imagine a kid being like, “Something bad happened.” Kids are like, “A cock was in my mouth, Mom! “Thanks for signing me up for golf! “It really got me out of the house! It also got a penis near my face! So thanks!” If there’s anyone here from the paper, feel free to quote that bit in your article.

It’s a scary time to be a kid, man. I just saw this documentary about bullying. And I know you’re always hearing that. Oh, really, kids getting bullied in school, “that’s what they’re making a big deal about now?” That’s kinda what I thought going in, then I saw the documentary. First scene, kid is sitting on a bus, he looks at this other kid and goes, “Hey, how’s it going?” The kid goes, “I hate you. “I’m gonna murder you and cut your face off. “I’m gonna put it on my face “and then look in the mirror and make fun of myself. That’s how much I hate you.” So I saw that and I thought, All right, yep. This is a problem. Wow, that was terrifying! God damn, that’s not bullying and teasing, that’s some demented shit to say to another person. Bullying and teasing was the nonsense I did when I was a kid. “Hey, you’re fat.” “Hey, you’re brown.” “Shut up, you bozo!” “Get out of here, you dingdong.” That’s fine. Do that all day, no one’s gonna get hurt. I would’ve never went up to some fat kid and been like, “I hate you. “I’m gonna murder you and cut your fat off… “then use it to make a fat suit and then dress up “as a fat housekeeper ala Mrs. Doubtfire. And then I’m gonna start working for your family.”
No. That was a psycho zone everyone agreed not to go into. And it’s so hard to see this documentary because nothing happens to the bully kids. They’re beating the crap out of the kid, saying this awful stuff, nothing happens. That wouldn’t fly in the adult world. That wouldn’t be tolerated in any workplace or anything like that. Like, that wouldn’t fly in Ikea. Like if you worked at Ikea and you went up to some other employ like, “I’m gonna murder you, you fucking dork!” They be like, “All right Phil, you can’t sell lamps anymore. Now get out! You’re done! Get out!” “But look at him. He’s a nerd!” “You’re a psychopath! Get your meatball severance package and leave!”
I felt so bad for the kids, man. They would try to tell the teachers. Teacher wouldn’t do anything. Kid goes up to the teacher and says, “Uh, he says he’s gonna cut my arms off and glue ’em on my butt so I can look like a minotaur.” Teacher is like, “Ah, well, maybe he won’t do it. See ya later.”
Do something, man. I remember one time when I was a kid and someone actually physically hit me when I was growing up in South Carolina. I’ll never forget what happened. Kid hits me. I go tell the teacher right way. Teacher goes over to the kid immediately and just goes, “If you touch him again I will end you.” And that was it. Bullying done. No one’s ever bothered me again in my life. She scared everyone on earth. ‘Cause that’s how the bullying should be handled. ‘Cause that kid was like, “All right, well, “I don’t want to be ended, whatever the fuck that means! I’ll leave him alone.”

Having a kid is a crazy gamble. No one ever talks about it in terms of being a gamble, but it is. Think about what position in life you’re in when you decide to have a kid. It’s usually a very safe position. You know, you’re married, you found a mate. That’s huge. You usually have a job and a home. That’s very difficult to lock down. It’s like you finally put together this very large complicated puzzle and then you’re just like, “Fuck this puzzle! Let’s have a kid!” And then the kid just shits all over the puzzle. The puzzle is ruined. You’re never putting it back together again. It’s destroyed. And now you have this kid. And here’s the gamble– here’s the scary part. You can do everything right, you can read all the books, and you could still have a total piece of shit kid. You could have the worst kid. You could have one of the bully kids. That could be your kid. You don’t know. You could have a total piece of shit. Teacher’s like, “Ah, your son…” “Yeah, I know. He’s shitty, okay? “I hang out with him all the time. “He’s the worst. What do you want me to do, huh? “I have to feed and shelter him “or I get thrown in jail for some reason. “Ooh, I’m sorry he’s ruining your mornings. “Guess who hangs out with him on afternoons and weekends? Me. So how about a little sympathy for me.” “Well, sir, have you thought about–” “No! There’s nothing to think about. “There’s nothing to do, okay? It’s not his diet. “He doesn’t have too much glutin. “He’s just shitty, okay?! Some people are nice. Some people are shitty. “My kid is shitty, all right? I’ve accepted it, all right? “I made a mistake, okay? “I gave up my best years raising this monster! “I could’ve started a band! I play bass! “But no, I didn’t do that. Instead I have this thing. “Ooh, something that looks like me and my wife put together. “Uh, great. Eat your vegetables. “Can I throw a baseball at your face and you catch it half the time? Fuck me!”

Now, I’m not saying I don’t like kids. I like kids. I have fun hanging out with my friends kids, and joking around with them– whatever. They’re great. But I do feel like when I talk to my friends that recently had kids, it does seem they had to give up everything for the kid, and that’s very scary. You want to have a very depressing conversation? Talk to a couple that just had a kid. Ask them about the last night they went out for themselves. They will describe the most boring typical mundane evening out with the same enthusiasm a normal person will describe a three-way sexual experience. I’ll show you what I mean. Over here, a guy describing a three-way sexual experience, over here, a couple that just had a kid. “So we go back to my house, “I got these two really hot girls. “So we go to the mall I got two tickets to Rango“… I know what you’re thinking. Aziz, shouldn’t you update that to a more recent film? No. These people go to movies that are as old as shit. They’ve been trying to see Rango for a couple of years now. Next thing you know, they’re taking their clothes off. Next thing you know, we’re eating nachos. Skin is everywhere. Cheese is everywhere. Cheese is everywhere. These girls were freaks… Into freaky things such as cheese.

Let me get a sense of you guys as an audience. Clap if you’re married right now. Clap if you’re married. You guys here in the front. How long did you guys know each other before you got married? Five years? That’s always an interesting figure to me how long people knew each other before they got married. Clap if you knew your person five years or less. Okay. Clap if it was three years or less. All right. Clap if it was two years or less. We’re all laughing ’cause you’ll probably get divorced. That was a crazy idea. Why’d you do that?! You didn’t need to do that. You could’ve just kept dating her. Wh– Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? What happened? Did you lose a bet or something? Look, of course, I could be totally wrong. You guys could be soul mates. I don’t know. But to me two years doesn’t seem like enough time to get to know someone to know you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Two years? Two years? I’ve had sweaters for two years. You be like, “What the fuck am I doing with this sweater?” “Bbp, so stupid looking. “I can’t believe I ever thought about keeping that sweater for the rest of my life.” That’s a sweater.

Another thing people do that scares me, they’ll marry their high school sweetheart. That’s strange to me. To meet someone when you’re like 16 years-old and just go, “All right, I’m done.” Well, I don’t think I’m gonna run into anyone interesting in my 20s or 30s. I’m just gonna lock this shit down now… for no reason at all. Think about all the dumb things you believed when you were that age. Think about all the stupid decisions you made. Imagine being stuck with any of those decisions for the rest of your life. Even just little things. All right, well, I guess I got this Bob Marley poster over my bed for the rest of my life. It’s cool though because I took a bunch of little photos of Bob Marley and I put it together to look like a big photo of Bob Marley. It’s a mosaic.
I just don’t think you have any idea what your adult life is gonna be like when you’re 16 years-old. You realize how awful my life would be if it turned out the way that I thought it was going to when I was 16 years-old? You know what my big plan was? I was gonna go to college and major in Business and Biology. That was the plan. First I hit you with the business and you think it’s all done. And then I come back– Boosh!– Hit you with the Biology. What was I gonna do with this stupid double major?! Sell organs on the black market very efficiently? I have friends from college. They’re starting to get married. I went to one of the weddings and I asked the groom, I said, “Hey, why did you decide to get married?” He goes, “Well, I don’t know. We’ve been dating a few years now.” Wow! That’s a terrible way to answer that question! Especially with that tone and cadence. Well, I don’t know. That’s not the appropriate tone and cadence to answer that question. That’s the appropriate tone and cadence if someone’s like, “Hey, why’d you buy a FIJI water?” “Well, I don’t know. The bottle looked kinda cool.” Perfect. That’s a fantastic moment to use that tone and cadence. So well done…
That’s also not a reason to get married, you know. “We’ve been dating a few years now.” I’ve been eating at the same taco stand for a few years now. I’m not gonna commit to that taco stand for the rest of my life. Everything’s following my current relationship with a taco stand. Now if the taco stand were to move into my apartment with me I might be up for that, ’cause then I’d have delicious tacos whenever I wanted but, the economics of taco stands wouldn’t allow such a thing. I know what you’re thinking. Wow, Aziz just compared women to tacos. He must not think that highly of women. No, I just think that highly of tacos.

One thing I love about marriage though is the proposal. I think that is so sweet. Here’s this moment where you know you’re gonna change the life of yourself and this person you love forever and you can plan it out and you can make it the most beautiful amazing perfect moment. You don’t get to do that with most big moments in your life, but with the proposal you can. So, sir, five years guy, what did you do to make it the most beautiful amazing perfect special moment ever? Set the scene, okay? What city are we in? We’re in Philadelphia. Don’t feel like traveling too far. Let’s just do this shit in Philly. Okay, so we’re in Philadelphia. Where are we at in Philadelphia? At a five star restaurant– Don’t worry, not a three star– a five star. I like how you– You couldn’t wait to say “five star.” You’re like, “Five star restaurant!” We’re at a five star restaurant…Okay. And so, you’re at the five star restaurant and, you know, it’s dinner I imagine? “It was lunch”! Oh, shit! I should’nt have assumed! This is the shit you leave out. “Five star”… Maybe the lunch prix fixe won’t be a big deal. I mean, it’s the same food! They serve the dinner menu at lunch, guys! So lunch at the five star restaurant. I mean, at this point you got to wonder, Lunch at a five star restaurant. Dinner at a four star restaurant… I feel like, I feel like lunch loses a star. There’s no five star lunch restaurants. There’s four star lunch restaurants that operate as five star dinner restaurants. Okay, okay, we’re at lunch, five star restaurant… and what period of the meal do you decide to ask? ‘Cause that’s very difficult, you know? You can’t ask like, you know, before you order ’cause it’s like… What, he asked before you ordered?! What the hell? Isn’t that kind of a scary idea?! What do you want to have, the most awkward lunch of all time?! “No? Well, you want to split some jalapeno poppers? So you ask before you even order? Wow! And then, Miss, did you– what happened? Did you immediately say “yes”? What was the situation? You didn’t say anything?! Well, that’s even like more morbid than saying “no.” “Do you want to marry me?” All these people are looking at me, bitch. Say something. You didn’t say anything? Were you thinking about? Were you taken aback? What happened? You wanted to eat?! You wanted to eat? And were you down on one knee? You were down on one knee and you’re just waiting. And what’s going on through your head? “The breadsticks were coming out.” Hold up! What five star restaurant drops breadsticks on the table? Sir… I’m gonna ask you something… and I need you to be very honest with me right now. This restaurant… when it comes to their breadstick policy… does the word “unlimited” come to mind?

I don’t even know what is happening. I have done this, I have done this in every city on my tour… this is the most bizarre shit ever. Did you see this coming at all? Did you know this was coming? Come on. Come on, now. Come on. It’s lunchtime… The waiter has dropped the breadsticks… We’ve all read this book. We know how this story goes. Now I’ve talked to people all over the country about their proposal stories, and you know what I learned? I learned that ultimately it doesn’t matter what you do for your proposals. Some people go and do this big grand gesture. Some people do simple, sweet things. Ultimately, what’s really beautiful is that you found someone to say “yes” to this totally insane thing you just asked them. It’s the most insane thing you could ever ask another person to do. It really is. It doesn’t seem as insane as it is ’cause we’re all familiar with marriage as an institution.
But imagine if marriage didn’t exist and you’re a guy and you asked a woman to get married. Imagine what that conversation will be like. You be like uh, “Hey, so, you know, “we’ve been hanging out together, “spending a lot of time together…” “Yeah, yeah, I know.” “I wanna keep doing that ’til you’re dead.” “W-w-what?” “I wanna keep hanging out with you ’til one of us dies. “Put this ring on your finger so people know we have an arrangement.” “W-what, w-what– Who’s that guy?” “It’s a priest. I want you to swear to God you won’t back out of this deal.” “W-w-what’s he wheeling in?” “It’s a cake with two tiny dolls that look like us. “Eat a slice! Now feed a little bit to me!” “This is really strange. Why are we doing this?” “Tax purposes.” That’s pretty much what you’re asking.

This is another thing that baffles me about people being opposed to gay marriage, you know. Here these people, they found someone to say “yes” to this totally insane thing and then some other person’s gonna be like, “No, it’s weird. I just– I just– I just think it’s weird.” It’s pretty much the only argument at this point really. I don’t see how you can really be opposed to gay marriage at this point. Like you know you’re on the losing side. There’s no way it’s not gonna go through. All the demographics that are really opposed to gay marriage. They’re all gonna be dead soon. Like, whenever they ask young people, young people are like, “What, what are you talking about? “All music is free right now. “What the fuck are you talking about? “Oh, two dudes are kissing? I’m about to watch every movie ever right now.” They don’t care at all.

But seriously, how do you not know you’re on the losing team at this point? These are the same people that were opposed to like uh, women voting or black dudes playing baseball. What was the last thing they were opposed to? Interracial relationships. If you’re opposed to interracial relationships, guess what? I’m fucking white girls. There’s nothing you can do about it. Any time I have sex with a white girl, I think about those people for a few pumps and it’s such a great feeling. Just like– It’s just not right! Well, it’s in there so I don’t know what you’re gonna do about it. Seriously, all of you here, next time you have sex with someone of a different race, think about those people for a minute– you really should do this. It’s very important. It’s your duty as an American, and I promise you, nothing feels better than orgasming while thinking about all the progress we’ve made in civil rights in this country. I still can’t believe it’s an issue. It just baffles my mind.

That whole Chick-fil-A situation… Whew! That was quite a conundrum for me. ‘Cause, you know, obviously I’m very pro-gay marriage, but, I’m also very pro-delicious chicken sandwich. It’s like, Ughh… What do you do?! I stopped eating Chick-fil-A. I’m never gonna eat Chick-fil-A. I don’t eat it anymore. That is the saddest thing you could ever applaud. “You are so brave, Aziz! “How you find the strength to resist those “delicious chicken sandwiches we will never know. “But you are a man of principle and we applaud you!” I mean, I still eat the nuggets all the time. So it’s not that hard. No, no, I don’t eat the nuggets. I don’t eat the nuggets. I don’t. I don’t. But that was a strange situation, right? I was so jealous of homophobic people. Man, what a delicious way to support your hateful cause. I don’t have opportunities like that in my life. I wish I did. I wish the places that made food that I found so delicious, also took political stands I can get behind. Like my favorite place to get a cheeseburger is Shake Shack. I love Shake Shack. It’s so delicious. You realize how excited I’d be if I went to Shake Shack one day and they’re like, “Hey, just so you know, part of our profits now go towards fucking over people that work at United Airlines customer service.” “What? What? Yes! Yes! H-h-how are you doing this?” “Well, any time you buy a burger, “part of the money goes towards paying people on Craigslist to shit in their cars.” “That’s fantastic! Can I get 75 cheeseburgers, please?”

I do want to get married at some point I think. I’m not sure when. I was in India recently and my grandma asked me, she goes, “Uh, Aziz, when are you gonna get married?” I was like, “Egh, I don’t know if you’ll be around.” She’s old! That was a fun trip. Uh, I spent a lot of time with a cousin of mine that lives there. He’s around my age. And it was really fascinating to me the dichotomy of our two lives. My life is totally different ’cause I was born and raised in America and he was born and raised in this poor part of India where my family is originally from. My family’s originally from a poor part of India. They’re not from the part of India ‘study abroad programs’ are based. They’re from like the South Carolina of India. It’s pretty rough. For real. Like the way you take a shower there. It’s not the way you take a shower here. The way you have to take a shower at their house is you fill a bucket with hot water and you take a smaller bucket and you pour the water on. That’s to conserve hot water. And it’s a little strange ’cause, you know, I jerk off in the shower on occasion. If you’re showering with the bucket method, you can’t jerk off in the shower. Uh, that silence is way too terrifying. Even people that jerk off in the shower here, no one turns the shower off and goes in the corner like this– Dat-dat-dat-dat-dat… No, that’s some serial killer shit. “Oh, so sorry, that noise I made, Dat-dat-dat… That’s not the noise it makes when a dude jerks off. Um… If some guy comes up to you and starts jerking off and he goes, Dat-dat-dat… Look out, that’s a robot from the future that’s been sent back in time to jizz in your face. But the thing about being there in India was, you know, I didn’t feel like jerking off… all the time. You know, because there’s was less sexuality there. Women are dressed more conservatively. There’s not like sexy posters and magazine covers everywhere. It’s a way different vibe. I came back to New York after that trip and I was like, “I wanna fuck everything!” There was just so much sex in your face constantly and I never realized just how desensitized I was. You know, I see the most graphic sexual imagery and it goes to my head like it’s nothing.

I saw an ad for a gym in New York, this is a real ad for a gym. Okay, it’s an ad for Equinox gym. This guy is laying down on a couch, his clothes are coming off, shirt’s coming off, pants are coming off. There’s a woman straddling him, her clothes are coming off, and it’s just so sexual. Like it honestly looks like this woman was sucking this dude’s dick and someone was like, “Hey.” She’s like, “Huh?” And they took a photo. That’s how sexual it is. And I’m just sitting there looking at this and it’s like, How did this become an ad for a gym? This does not– How? This would not fly in India. They’d be like this, “This has nothing to do with gyms.” Please take this down. This is… This is a bit ludicrous. So how’d it become an ad? I’m not sure. At some point they must’ve had a meeting. They’re like, “All right, well, we need a new Winter campaign. “We need some ideas. Bruce, what do you got?” Here’s what I’m thinking. We have a gentleman on an exercise bike. He’s riding the bike and it says, “Ride Your Way To A Better You.” Hm, Bruce, I like that. I like the tag line. I like the imagery. That’s very nice. I like that a lot. Does anybody else have anything they want to pitch? David, what do you got? I just got a photo of two people fucking and underneath it I wrote “Equinox.” David, that’s fantastic! Let’s put those up all over town. Bruce, pack your shit up and get out of here. You’re done.

So, my cousin is there in India. Totally different life, way more conservative lifestyle. I don’t think he’s dating or anything like that. He’ll probably have an arranged marriage. A lot of people in India still have arranged marriages. My dad had an arranged marriage. It was to my mom. That’s how they arranged it. And it’s interesting. Whenever I tell people that they’re always like, “Oh, my God, is everything okay? Do they hate each other? And they only ask that ’cause it’s an arranged marriage… Those questions are totally valid for any marriage. Those people are married– Oh, my God, is everything okay? Do they hate each other? See? It still makes sense. I read a little bit about arranged marriage. I read some research and stuff they’ve done. Very interesting. I found this study they did where they took couples that had arranged marriages and they took couples that had non-arranged marriages and they measured their happiness levels. In the first three to five years non-arranged couples were happier. But when I looked at it 25–30 years down the line, the arranged couples were happier. So, who knows? I don’t know. My parents are just as happy as any old white people I’ve ever run into. But, I don’t think I can do an arranged marriage. I talked to my dad about his experience and, uh, you know, he was like, “Well, uh, I met your mom and a week later we got married.” And I was like, “Whoa! How long did you talk to her for?” He’s like, “Hm…30 minutes.” Thirty minutes? “Like an episode of How I Met Your Mother 30 minutes? That’s how you met my mother?” Thirty minutes isn’t a lot of time, man. Think about all the crazy things you learn about people– weeks, months, years into a relationship. I be like I would get an arranged marriage and three weeks in I’d be like, “What, you don’t watch Game of Thrones? I knew shouldn’t have signed up for this shit. “We should’ve discussed DVR preferences. “What did you erase all my shows for? Celebrity Ghost Stories?”
That’s a real show, by the way. They asked me to be on Celebrity Ghost Stories, but, uh, I said no, ’cause I haven’t seen any ghosts. I like ghosts though. Whenever you hear about ghosts it’s always the same kind of stories. You know… “Ghost was wearing old timey clothes. “Ghost was turning my lights on and off. “Ghost was turning my faucets on and off. Ghosts, I’m trying to sleep!” It’s like, all right, take it easy. These people died hundreds of years ago. They’ve never seen running water before. They’re blown away. They’re just sittin’ there… Where is the well? How is the water getting here?! All the ghosts come in here look at this. Now it’s dark– Bsch!– Now it’s not– Bsch! They’re not going “Boo”, they’re going, “Oooh, modern advances.” I hope I see a ghost at some point. ‘Cause if I see one, it would be very interesting ’cause I live in a modern building– a newer building– so if I saw a ghost, it would be like a modern ghost. You know, I would just wake up in the middle of the night, there’d be a dude in the corner texting. Boo. Those would be the best ghosts. Those would be the best ghost stories. You come home one day, you turn on your TV, you look on your Netflix. “What, Mad Men Season 5, previously viewed’? “I never watch– “Ghosts! They’re on Season 5!” Those would be the best ghosts. You wake up in the middle of the night, there’s some ghost standing over your bed. “What’s your WiFi password?”

That was a long tangent on ghosts. But, I guess ultimately, what scares me about marriage is where do you find this person? You know, a lot of times most successful relationships, uh, people meet through work, school, mutual friends. But what’s most interesting to me is when people just meet in life, just randomly. You know, I have a friend, he got married. I asked him, I was like, “Hey, uh, where’d you meet your wife?” He was like, “I was leaving Bed Bath & Beyond. “I was looking for my car. I drive a gray Prius. “I saw a different gray Prius. I thought it was mine. “I walked up to it. I realized I had the wrong car. “But I bumped into Carol. We started talking. That was that.” That’s unbelievable. Think about all the random factors that had to come together to make this one moment possible– this one moment that changed these two people’s entire lives. First off, this guy has to live in particular town, then he has to get a gray Prius. Then, he has to need to go to Bed Bath & Beyond. Then, he has to go to that particular Bed Bath & Beyond. Then, there has to be another guy who also lives in town, also drives a gray Prius and also needs to go to Bed Bath & Beyond, also goes to that particular Bed Bath & Beyond at around the same time. Then, they have to both park somewhat near each other. My friend had to leave before the other guy leaves. See the wrong Prius, thinks it’s his, walk up to it, then the woman, Carol, needs to be near the wrong gray Prius for a million other random reasons. They bump into each other. They start talking. Their entire lives are changed. That’s the most amazing and terrifying thing about life. It is ’cause the amazing thing is that at any moment any one of us can have that moment that totally changed our lives. You could be leaving the show tonight, bump into someone… It could change your life. You don’t know. That could happen. The terrifying thing is… what if we’re all supposed to be at Bed Bath & Beyond right now? Doesn’t that scare you? I’m so scared of that. What if you’re missing your moment? What if you’re not supposed to be here? What if I’m not supposed to be here? My friend’s entire life changed ’cause he went to Bed Bath & Beyond one afternoon. The most casual of decisions had the most tremendous of consequences. Why did he go to Bed Bath & Beyond that afternoon? Well, his roommate had clogged the toilet and he needed to get some Drano. Few weeks later he’s falling in love with this woman. It’s amazing. It’s all ’cause some other dude ate some bad Chinese food one day. And then years later it gets crazier. Those two people have a kid. They come together and do the most incredible thing two human beings can do. They bring a new life into the universe. It’s all ’cause some other dude took a really huge shit one day. That’s the most amazing story you’ll ever hear in your life. No, don’t look at me like that. That’s the most amazing story. Who’s ever take a huge shit and thought, “I just brought life into the world.”

Where do you meet this person? I think it’s very hard to meet someone you really connect with, that you really feel a deep connection with. I think that’s hard. I don’t think those people just come around all the time. I think it’s a very special thing. And I think it’s very hard to find, especially nowadays. I mean, yes, there’s great people around, but, man, there is so much riffraff out there right now. The percentage of riffraff has never been higher. It’s very high. I don’t know. Maybe I’m romanticizing the past, but you think about like older generations, you know, people in their 20s– 60s, whatever. You just imagine a different vibe. You know, imagine men wearing nice suits, women are dressed all nice, everyone’s speaking properly– just a classier vibe. Like if those generations could be a font they would be “Times New Roman.” I look at my generation… We’re fucking Comic Sans. You can’t take us seriously. We’re Comic Sans. People that are single and out there, you know what I’m talking about? You go out with people sometimes and you’re just like, “What, you’re a person?! “Hold up. You’re a person? How? You’re so dumb, “How are you– How do you pay rent? “How do you have a job? How are you paying taxes? How is the world not crumbling around your idiocy?” You meet people so dumb you get scared for their safety. You’re like, “Shit, I’d better walk this person home. They might just walk in the street and get hit by a bus! They can’t even have a conversation. They’re just texting and Instagramming photos of salt shakers. What happened to people?! You meet people so bad sometimes they’re not even Comic Sans. They’re straight-up wing dings. That’s how scary it is.

So what do you do? We learn to adapt. We have new things now. We have things like online dating. One in five relationships is formed online now. That’s a true statistic. I have a friend, he met his wife on one of those sites and I asked him, I was like, “So, what’d you search?” ‘Cause that’s weirdly romantic. He types in this phrase, all these algorithms and things come together, this woman’s face comes up, he clicks it… that becomes the woman he spends the rest of his life with. So I asked him, “What’d you search?” And he goes, “Jewish and my zip code.” “What, that’s all you were looking for, “just something Jewish close by?! “You don’t want to drive too far?! “Proximity was a big factor here?! “Jewish and my zip– “I found a Wendy’s that way a few weeks ago! “I typed Wendy’s and my zip code then I got some nuggets, he got a wife the exact same way!”
Some people still don’t want to do online dating. Feel like there’s a stigma to it. That’s strange though. You ask those same people. “Hey, you ever meet people in bars?” I was like, “Yeah, sure. Why not?” Don’t you see? Online dating’s the same thing, it’s just a different interface? In a bar you walk around and you see people’s faces. Online you see those same faces, they’re on a web page. The difference is online dating is like going to a bar and having superpowers. You know what I mean? Online dating is like being able to walk into a bar and just go, “All right, let’s just eliminate all the other dudes.” Um, ooh. Let’s eliminate any women who that are already in relationships. You can do crazy things like that. You can’t do that in the real world. In the real world you can’t walk into a bar and go, “Jewish and my zip code.” You can’t do that.
The other interesting this is different sites mean different things. You know, match.com. Looking for a relationship, something a little more serious. okcupid. I’m trying to fuck something tonight! eHarmony. I’m gonna die soon. I don’t wanna die alone! How do we do this? I just got a computer two weeks ago. Let’s go!

The craziest thing I’ve heard with online dating is I have a friend who’s gay and I asked him, I said, “Hey, you ever do online dating?” He’s like, “Yeah, I use Grinder.” And I said, “What is that?” It’s an iPhone App. He turns it on, all these dudes faces start popping up, I’m like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are these guys?” And he goes, “Oh, Grinder uses my GPS to find the closest Grinder users close to me– different circles by their face being what they’re up for. So this guy has a green circle, that means he’s ready to go, and… he’s ten feet away. And then I looked over I was like, “Holy shit, there he is!” It was the same guy. That’s the most unbelievable technology. Straight people are so pathetic. “Can I take you out for a drink sometime or maybe we can get dinner or something? I don’t know.” Gay dudes are like, “I wanna get my dick sucked and there he is…Done.”
That’s a strange impression of a dude getting his dick sucked. I mean, I never sucked anyone’s dick before, but if I was sucking someone’s dick and I looked up and they’re just like,. I be like, “Hey, man, you wanna be a little more appreciative? I’m sucking your dick, for god-sakes!”

I did a show one night and this woman came up to me afterwards and she goes, “Aziz, why don’t they make Grinder for straight people?” And I think they tried, but it failed miserably. ‘Cause I don’t think any woman wants to turn on her phone and be like, “All right, there’s a guy 15 feet away “that wants to have sex with me. Oh, wait. “There’s a guy eight feet away. There’s a guy five feet away– “three feet away… Okay, every guy around me “wants to fuck me. Well, now I don’t feel safe in the world. So I’m gonna delete this.” I really think that might be the most incredible technology that’s come out in my lifetime. For real. I don’t even know how you’d even explain that concept to someone a few generations ago. You show ’em an iPhone they’re like, “Okay, it looks like a mobile telephone device, “you use it to call other people with similar devices– “have telephone conversations. Uh, to be honest, “that part doesn’t work that well. “But, if you’re interested in putting your penis “inside some other man, I can tell you for certain, that dude is down.”

I see why people are turning to online dating though. You know, because if you don’t do online dating, what are your other options to meet people outside your existing social circles? Your big options are bars and nightclubs. Are you really gonna meet someone like in a bar? I have friends that go out with girls they meet at bars and they’re like, “The girl wasn’t that great.” Yeah, of course she wasn’t that great. You met her at a bar on a Tuesday at 1:30 a.m. That’s when riffraff is hanging out. You know what girl you’re gonna meet that hour is this, “Wheewwww!” Is that noise as a person. That noise tells you everything you need to know about a certain type of girl ’cause nothing nice, positive or intelligent has ever come after that noise. It’s always stuff like, “Whew! “Let’s drink the rest of the Tequila out of that dumpster! “Whew, give me an Orbits! I just blew a guy “in the changing room at Target and I forgot to get Orbits “which is why I went there in the first place! “Whew, I’m really attracted to that guy “with the backwards baseball hat and the button-down shirt that’s yelling and being aggressive for no apparent reason!” Those guys are the male counterparts to the “Whew” girls.

Now, I don’t dislike anyone based on race, ethnicity, religion, sexuality, anything of that nature. But, if you’re a white dude in a bar with a backwards baseball hat and a button-down shirt, there’s a pretty good chance I fuckin’ hate you. You know who I’m talking about? They’re not always dressed that way. And of course I’ve met gentlemen dressed that way that are nice, thoughtful people, but I’m talking more about a state of mind–an attitude. I’m talking about the guys when you leave a crowded bar they’ll say something like, “Yo, bro, you were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me. You were pushin’ on me. I had a drink in my hand, could’ve spilt it all over my shirt. You need to watch where you’re going. If you were watching where you were going we don’t have a problem. You were pushin’ on me… I wanna sit all these guys down one day and just go, “No one’s pushin’ on you, okay? This is a crowded place, there’s limited room and people are trying to leave. It’s an accident. No one’s ever left a crowded bar, “Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me. “Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry. Sorry. Ha, ha, ha, ha!… “Did you see it? Did you see it? “I was pushin’ on him! I was pushin’ on him! He had a drink in his hand…” No! No one’s ever done that in the history of human interactions. But then that guy wants to fight me now. Really? You got to fight me over this? We’re gonna fight now, really? This is the big battle you’ve been training for with all the weights and protein shakes? This to beat up me? Me? A guy who’s built the same size as a starting forward for a JV girls basketball team? Don’t you have some Asian symbol tattooed on your arm you can look at that’ll calm you down for a few minutes? “Respect Thyself and Environment.” Sorry about that. I forgot for a minute.
Again, you never see those guys saying anything nice, positive or intelligent. You never see them in a bar slamming a shot down. All right! Let’s be really quiet and respect everyone else’s space. You never seen them slam a shot down—- All right! Back to molecular Biology lab, immunology– Let’s go fuckin’ find a cure for Lupus, bro! You never seen them slam a shot down—- All right! Those girls are really hammered. Let’s make sure they get home safe. No.

Ah, I feel bad making broad generalizations about men and women like that, but… I’m pretty confident. To me it’s one of those things. It’s like saying, black dudes are blown away by magic tricks. Stereotypes are fucked up, but that’s one’s on point. If anyone has footage of a black dude seeing a magic trick and not being blown away, show it to me. I’ll never say that again. But until I see that footage, that’s my favorite racial stereotype ever. That’s the best one. Nothing comes close. Oh, what do you got? Jewish people are really cheap. No, no, no. When a black dude sees a magic trick, his mind explodes. Bu-bu-but Asian people open up dry cleaning places a lot. No, no, no, no. When a black dude sees a magic trick, for a few moments he thinks it’s real, like there’s a sorcerer on earth. If you don’t know what I’m talking about this is what happens, all right? They see the magic trick and then this– Boosh!– They got to walk away a minimum of 30 feet ’cause everything they know about reality has just been destroyed. They have to reassess existence from the ground up. Well, what always happens? They always turn around. That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s a beautiful way to treat things in life that you don’t understand. You realize how much better the world would be if we all just treated each other the same way… black dudes treat magicians? I’m serious. What if homophobic people saw gay people, they’d be like, “Blah, it’s so gross! “I don’t understand this lifestyle! why’d he get married?” “Oh, wait. “This doesn’t effect my life at all and any love and joy “in the world is a beautiful thing. “It’s amazing! It’s amazing! It’s amazing! It’s amazing!” That’d be a better way for them to conduct themselves.
It’s a real phenomenon. If you don’t believe me, this weekend go out to some fancy nightclub. Look around. See if you find an African-American bouncer walk up he’d be like, “Sorry, we’re at capacity.” And he’d be like, “Oh, really? What if I give you the money?” He’d be like, “Oh, we don’t do that here.” And I’d be like, “Oh, yeah? What about this quarter behind your ear?” He’d be like, “Oh, shit, I didn’t know you were a wizard! “Come on in! Come on in! Come on in! “Please don’t turn me into a bird! “Please don’t turn me into a bird! “Okay, I’m sorry. You guys are cool. “You guys are cool. I just need to see an ID. “What do you mean check my back pocket? “Whoa, that’s amazing! That’s amazing! That’s amazing!”

I’ve been ragging on those kind of jock-like-frat meathead guys, but if you want me to be honest, I really feel like all guys of this generation is kind of a sad state of affairs. Like, gentlemen are gone. We just have ‘dudes’. I get so bummed out when I talk to my friends that are like single females when you talk to them about what they’re looking for. It’s such a sad conversation. They’re just like, “You know, just someone nice… and clean.” That’s pretty much all they’re looking for. The bar is so low right now. Like, if you’re a nice dude and you’re clean, like you brush, shower, use deodorant every day, you’re in the top one percent. You can pretty much fuck anybody, I promise. Just be nice and clean, women will take notice. Don’t try to act cool. Just be nice and clean, women will notice. They’ll be like, “What? What? What? “You just held the door open for me “and you’re wearing pants? Come on, let’s go. Let’s go!” I haven’t seen a dude in ‘not’ cargo shorts in three years. Nice and clean. “What? What? What? “Did you just lift that heavy box and help me load it into my car? “Can you lift your penis and load it into my vagina because…I thought courtesy was dead.” Nice and clean. “What? What? What? “You just texted me and it wasn’t a photo of your dick? Come on, let’s go. This guy just texted me words!” Wow.
There’s no sadder sign of the times than that, huh? Men are out there texting women photos of their penis. All the time. You want to see something amazing? Watch this. Clap if you’re a woman in the audience. Okay. Now clap if a dude has sent you a dick photo before. Was there even any difference in the applause?! There was just like two people who were like, “Well, I don’t have a cell phone. So… “I guess I haven’t gotten one, but many have been emailed to me, yes, but, uh”… That is so crazy. How did such a bizarre thing become so commonplace? That’s unbelievable. Thirty years ago, if I went up to some woman and I was like, “Hi. “I, uh, recently took some photos of my penis… “and, uh, I just got ’em developed and… “some of the shots look fantastic. Could I maybe get your mailing address, send you a few copies?” I’d get thrown in jail the next day and the headline would read, “Polaroid Dick Bandit Busted!”
It’s a strange thing. And Miss, you sitting here in the front, you said a guy sent you a dick photo. Now tell us about this. Now first off, this doesn’t reflect badly on her some dude fucked her phone without her permission. Now who was this guy, was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? What was the situation? You don’t want to talk about it? I mean, it’s not a big deal. All right, Miss, you sitting here right next to her… A guy sent you a dick photo, right? Tell us about this. Now was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? What was the situation? Let’s say… the most recent time. She’s like, “Aziz, you don’t understand my life. I have an archive.” Let’s say the last time it happened. Was this a guy you were dating, was it a guy you just met? “Dating”? About how long into the relationship before it was like, “I’m gonna so something romantic today”? A month in? And when he sent the photo, did he say anything with the photo or was it just the photo? Just the photo. That’s what I thought. Folks, this is another thing I’ve learned in my research. Approximately 88.9 percent of all dick photos… have no message. Just the photo. Such a strange display of male arrogance. It’s like, “What am I gonna do? It speaks for itself.” So stupid! First off, everyone knows what your dick looks like. No one’s surprised. All dicks look the same. They’re just dumb and boring looking. No one’s ever got a dick photo and they’re like, “Wow! It’s so beautiful! I’ve never seen one like this! “Everyone, come in here look at this glorious penis I just got sent! Ah! It sparkles!” No. They all look the same. Yes, there’s some variations in size here and there, but generally, everyone knows what your dick looks like, unless it’s not circumcised. In which case, it’s terrifying. Keep it to yourself!”
So, next this guy sends you a dick photo. No message. And, did you write anything back, or did you say like, “I’m not gonna say anything”? What was the situation? ‘Cause that’s a tough situation, right? Like if you don’t write anything back it’s hard for him to like change the conversation. You can’t send a dick photo and be like, “Uh… You wanna go to a five star restaurant later maybe?” That’s a tough predicament.
The last question I want to ask you. The photo you got, was the gentleman erect in the photo? Yeah, I guess so, right? You can’t send one where it’s like– Can you help me?! Ughh! That’s not a strong move at all. I’m gonna do the rest of the show like this. No other comedian’s done a special from this squatting position. No, I’ll stand back up.

I myself, I’ve never sent anyone a dick photo, but I wanted to do an experiment to see what it would be like to actually send someone a dick photo and see what kind of reaction you would really get. So I did an experiment. I had a friend. She didn’t have my cell phone number. I got her cell phone number from another friend and I decided to send her a dick photo. So, I downloaded a white dick off the Internet. I ran it through a bunch of Instagram Hipstmatic-type filters, made it looked like a really hip dick… and then I sent it to her. And this is what happened. So first off, I just sent kind of like a generic hello-type text and I was like, “Hey, uh, good meeting you the other night, Libby. What’re you up to?” And then I sent her the dick photo and underneath I wrote, “Boom!” An hour goes by… No response. Now, I want to keep the conversation going, but I don’t want to seem too eager, so I just send her a text that just says, “Question mark.” She writes back, “Who is this?” I said, “We made out at the club a while back, and you said I should give you a buzz sometime. Well– Buzzzzzz.” Twenty minutes go by. No response. I write, “I feel like you don’t like me. “Don’t be mean. By the way, did you get my earlier text?” Dick photo again– Boom! She writes back, “I don’t respond to people I don’t know sending me pictures of their dick.” I said, “That’s too bad. I thought you were special.” Twenty minutes go by. “I still do.” She writes, “Stop texting me! Delete me off your phone! Never contact me again!” And I said, “That’s cold. “I’m gonna store you in my phone as ‘Liquid Nitrogen’ ’cause that’s how cold you are.” An hour goes by. “If you were inside a barrel and someone dipped “a banana inside you and they dropped the banana “on the ground, the banana would shatter… ’cause that’s how cold you are.” Another hour goes by. “If you were inside a truck and the truck flipped over “and you spilled all over the T-1000 from Terminator 2… he would harden… ’cause that’s how cold you are.” She writes, “I know what liquid nitrogen does! Stop texting me!” And then I realized I only had one last text to send her. So, I sent her a photo of a soft penis and I wrote, “This is what my heart feels like right now.”

What is today? Today is what, Wednesday? Yeah? Anybody got any big plans for the weekend? Anybody going to the club over the weekend? Clubs are crazy places, man. That’s a crazy place to try to meet someone–at a club. People that go to clubs know it’s bad though, right? No one goes to a club like, “All right, “it smells like vomit, I can’t hear anything, “and the worst people in the world are here. Let’s do this!” No. They know it’s bad. But when you look in a club people are having a great time. They’re having the best time. You know why? It’s ’cause the music they play in nightclubs tricks people into thinking they’re having a good time. There’s this new kind of song that’s come out that kind of brainwashes people into thinking they’re having a great time. Think about it. What kind of song is playing any time you walk into a club now? It’s always something like,

[…]

And, if it’s not one of those songs, it’s one of these songs where the rapper or the singer is engaging in these very luxurious activities and simply by virtue of listening to the song, you are now somehow also partaking in these activities with them. Like I’d be one of those songs like,

[…]

Dude’s in the club, “Oh, shit! I’m on a jet right now? “Where’re we flying to? I got work tomorrow! “Who’s paying for the jet? “Don’t put it on my tab! “No, we can’t split the jet! I didn’t even have any of the jets!” They should make a song that’s like a reality check for all these people, you know? Maybe a song that’s like,

[…]

Philadelphia, thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much! Thank you! Thank you so much. Wow, wow, wow! I– I can’t tell you what a treat it is for me to get to travel around the country and perform in lovely theaters like this. It’s my favorite thing I get to do in my career and, uh, I thank you for that. I have found no matter what I do in my career though, my dad is never impressed. Like, uh, he’ll call me up, he’s like, “What are you doing this summer?” I’m like, “I’m going to do this big theater tour, do a part in this movie.” He’s like, “What part are you doing in the movie? “Are you starring in the movie?” I’m like, “No, just one of the smaller parts.” He’s like, “Why aren’t you starring in the movie?” I’m like, “You’re a Gastroenterologist. “You put cameras in peoples butts. “Why don’t you go star in a movie? I saw your last movie. It was shit, literally.”
This is true. One time I sent him this video clip. I performed at this event that President Obama spoke at and I spoke and then the President spoke. When the President spoke, he mentioned me in his speech. He gave me a shout out. He was like, “Aziz Ansari, “I wanted to thank you for what you said earlier. “I also want to let him know, Aziz, I got more Twitter followers than you do, man.” And I was like, “Whoa, the President just burned me. That’s pretty cool.” I send the clip to my dad. He writes me back. “Why don’t you have more Twitter followers than the President?” I got to meet the President at that show. That’s pretty crazy. You never think You’re ever gonna get to meet the President. And I was so nervous. You know, I was downstairs and it was just me and “The Roots.” “The Roots” had performed at this event as well. And he’s coming down– Yeah, they’re fantastic. From Philadelphia, right? And, uh, you know, so he’s coming down. I’m very nervous, you know, ’cause there’s like Secret Service guys around– “POTUS will be down in two minutes. “POTUS will be down in two minutes. POTUS down in two minutes.” And I’m expecting something very brief, quick and formal. You know, just like, “Thank you for your time– Photo. Thank you for your time– Photo. Thank you for your time– Photo. That’s what I’m expecting. All right? This what happens instead. I’m not exaggerating. He comes down—- Oh, snap! It’s “The Roots”! What’s goin’ on? You guys are like my house band. You’re at every event. And I’m just there like, “What? That’s how he talks?” And he’s just running around chopping it up with all “The Roots” guys, being very charming and cool. And, uh, he goes up to one of “The Roots” who has like a flower lapel in his jacket, something kinda like this, and he’s like, “Uh, what is this? Are you a magician? “You can pull a rabbit out of there? Look at this fool– Ha, ha, ha!” Which, by the way, further backs up my black dude magician theories cause… I have not seen the rabbit out of the flower trick. So he says hi to them and he finally– he comes over to me and, uh, we start talking. He’s very nice, super charming… Exactly how you’d hope for him to be and it’s time for us to take a photo. And I’m there with a friend of mine and she has a purse. And he’s like, “Let’s get a good photo of the three of us. “Let’s get a good photo. Ah, put your purse down. “Don’t worry about your purse. Your purse will be fine. We got good security back here. Ah-hah!”
And that’s when I realized this dude acts the exact same way I would act if I was the President. Just running around, talking shit, cracking jokes. “What’s up?! How much did we raise tonight? “$5 million? Fuck it. Let’s go to the club. “Let’s celebrate! “Turn that into a campaign event, $20,000 a head. I’m DJ-ing. DJ POTUS, let’s go!”

These are my favorite gigs I get to do as a comedian. A lot of times when you’re a comic you get asked to do these weird things that make no sense like, um, I got asked to go to this charity event once. It’s this charity called “Make It Right.” They rebuild homes in the lower 9th ward in New Orleans. It’s a very cool cause. And they’re like, “Aziz, could you help us out?” And I was like, “Sure. What do you need?” They’re like, “Could you host our After Party?” And I was like, “What does that mean?” They’re like, “Could you introduce Seal?” And I was like, “The singer guy, like, “I am just gonna go up there and say some stuff and then Seal is gonna pop up?” “Yeah.” And I was like, “You know what? I love New Orleans. This sounds cool. Let’s do it.” So I’m there in New Orleans. I’m backstage with Seal. Seal has no idea who I am. I’m not on Seal’s radar, sonar– nothing, and… it’s time for me to do his intro and this is what I do. I go onstage, I go, “Ladies and gentlemen, our next performer, “he’s actually running a little bit late. “So, uh, he wanted to know maybe if I can sing one of his hit songs for him in order to kill some time. So, I guess there’s nothing left to say but– What’s that, Seal’s here? Sorry, I can’t hear you. What’s that? Seal’s ready to go? Hm, I feel like at this point maybe I should finish my version. And I did that shit for way too long and… Finally I bring Seal up. Seal doesn’t even say anything to me. He just puts his arm around my shoulder and goes… ‘Cause I get it, you know? Seal doesn’t know I’m a comedian. He just thinks I’m some crazy brown guy that’s seizing the moment… So I can impress Seal and sign to Walrus Records and start my R&B career as The Brown Penguin.
But the event went well. I did get to meet Seal. Very nice, very smooth. Everything he said was so smooth. You know, I was standing in a elevator with this girl. He looks over. He goes, “My only regret “is that I do not have a photograph to capture this moment…forever. And I was just like, “Oh, my God. “Seal, I wanna fuck you. That was…beautiful. No one ever speaks to me like that.” And then I realized Seal’s lyrics are not lyrics. That’s how he talks all the time. Seal’s at the optometrist. The optometrist is like, “Seal, what’s wrong with your eyes?” He’s like,

[…]

“Seal, what the hell are you talking about? “The weather should not be affecting “your vision that way, Seal. We need to run some tests. “Sheila, get a bunch of snow here. Let’s see if Seal’s eyes start getting wide.”
You’re at a dinner party with Seal. “Seal, how’s the chicken?”

[…]

So…So the event went well. I had a good time. The next day they had another event. It was like a charity dinner, charity auction. So I went to that. Had a lot of fun. They had a lot of wine there. I drank a lot of wine. And then the next day I woke up and I was like, “Oh, Wh-what did I do last night?” We’ve all had those moments. I had maybe one of the most bizarre instances of that happening though. ‘Cause I woke up the next morning I was like, “Oh, what did I do last night? I think I bid and won a charity auction to be an extra in the next Tyler Perry movie. Yep, this is 100 percent true. I paid an exorbitant amount of money at a charity auction so me and a friend of my choice could be extras in the next Tyler Perry movie. So, next summer when you go to see a Madea Goes To Jail 3 and you see me and Seal in the background just… You’ll know why.

Guys, thank you so much. Philadelphia! You guys were amazing! Thank you very much for coming out! I really appreciate it! Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, the married couple! Dick photo people! Thank you very much! Thank you!

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