GABRIEL IGLESIAS: I’M NOT FAT … I’M FLUFFY (2009) – Full Transcript

2017-11-07T14:28:50-08:00 November 7th, 2017|Categories: COMEDY|Tags: , |
  • Gabriel Iglesias - I'm Not Fat ... I'm Fluffy (2009)

[energetic music] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] – El Paso, Texas, give it up for Gabriel Iglesias! [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ – What’s up, El Paso? [crowd cheering] Thank you guys, very very much. Oh, my God. Ah, I got chills. Lookit. Lookit. Lookit. Lookit. [laughs] Thank you very much. Thank you. Whoo. I missed you too. Sientate, tio; sientate. Oh, my God. Somebody saw me running. Correle, gordo. Correle, correle. Yeah, I know, friggin’… [exhales] [laughs] Oh, my God, you guys. I know a lot of you are like, “What took you so long to come back to El Paso?” [crowd cheering] I don’t have a good excuse, but I hope this makes up for it. [crowd cheering] Man, I have some history in this town. Been coming here since July of 1 997. [crowd hooting] Yeah. Used to perform on the west side of town over at Bart Reed’s Comic Strip. [crowd cheering] I was here on my 21st birthday. I’ll never forget. Never forget it. And that’s the last time I drank in El Paso. Uh-huh. You guys don’t mess around. It was my birthday. I’m hanging out at the club, and they’re like, “It’s your birthday.” I’m like, “It’s my birthday.” “You want a drink?” “Sure.” So I started drinking and drinking and drinking. And then the staff was like, “Do you want to party?” I was like… [slurring] “I wanna party.” “You want to dance?” “I wanna dance.” I passed out, and I woke up at someplace called the O.P. [laughter and cheers] Now, see, you guys are clapping and you’re laughing because you know. [laughter] I didn’t know it was an “alternative” night club. I’m from L.A. I thought O.P. stood for “Orale Pues”. [laughter] And that is a messed up way to sober up, you know. I’m at the club. I’m dancing, you know. [beat-boxing] Hey. [beat-boxing] Hey! [laughter and applause] There was a little guy behind me going, “Pikachu.” He was like, “Yo tambien soy Pokemon.” No. Uh-uh. But it was kind of crazy. I was getting checked out by guys. I was like, “Oh, my God.” And I know they were checking me out, ’cause they were looking at me like I look at tacos. But then I thought about it. “Oh, my God, I just turned on a man. Shoot.” Man, I called my girlfriend. I said, “You better not mess up. I have options.” Uh-huh. I have memory. A few years back, I was doing a show at the Comic Strip, and my idol, Mr. Paul Rodriguez, was in town doing a benefit. He calls up the Comic Strip, and he says, he says, “Hey, listen, I’m doing a benefit up the street. “Y sabes que, vato? “I’m gonna come down there, and I want to do some shots. Some tequila, some tacos.” I’m like, “Let’s do it.” He shows up to the club, and he says, “All right, get in the car. Let’s go.” “Where are we going?” “We’re going to Juarez.” “Juarez? Let’s eat some tacos here.” “I can’t afford you here. Let’s go to the other side.” [makes engine noise] So we wind up on the other side, and we wound up killing some tacos, and, you know, we wound up crossing the border. And when we crossed the border, it was a few months after I taped a bunch of water commercials here. You guys remember the water commercials? Yeah, and then they pulled me off the advertising because they said I was too fat to sell water. Whatever. So we’re crossing the border, and Immigration was right there, and they’re checking the cars, and we’re in a blue van. My buddy Jim, who’s sitting over there, was driving, and Border Patrol comes over to the window, and he goes— he opens the door and he sees me. He goes, “Oh, my God. It’s you. You’re hysterical. And I go, “What do you think of this guy?” And Paul was like, “Hey, what’s up?” And the guy was like, “Oh, my God.” So we wound up taking pictures at the border. And it was so funny, ’cause we’re outside the car, and we’re pretending to be arrested, right? People are driving by going, “Let Paul Rodriguez and Pikachu go!” They’re American! Let ’em go!” [laughing] It was priceless. We crossed the border, and Paul was like, “I want to go hang out and have a good time.” He went to this place off the 1 0 called Jaguars. [crowd cheers] It’s a “male,” you know, gentleman’s club, whatever you want to call it. So we go in there, and I’m like, “Oh, my God.” As soon as we walked in, I’m like— I’m thinking Paul’s gonna be all like, “Shh, I don’t want nobody to know I’m here.” Goes over to the DJ, and the DJ’s like, “All right, ladies, look who just walked in: Paul Rodriguez!” All of a sudden, there’s, like, 32 lap dances that stop like that. And all these girls, they bum-rush Paul. And I’m like, “Wow, I got to get funnier.” So we’re hanging out there for a couple of hours. So we wind up outside in the parking lot, And this girl jumped into the car, and she’s like, “Oh, my God, Paul Rodriguez. “I love you. My mama’s a huge fan too. Here. Please, please, please.” And he, “Whatever, whatever, okay, come here, come here.” “Here, please, talk to her on the phone.” “Ora.” He looks at me in the front seat, and he goes, “Hey, tu, Iglesias. Here, be me.” He put me on the phone with the girl’s mom. I’m like, “Hey, senora. How you doing? “Yeah, you know, uh… “your daughter, she’s a real angel. Yeah. That’s what they call her here.” [audience laughing] Yeah, man, I love Paul. Like I said, Paul’s the… you know, one of the main reasons why I got into comedy. And he used to mess with me a lot; trust me. In my last special, I talked about how I had a Volkswagen Beetle. It was a true story. I really had a Beetle. And I got rid of it because I got tired of the fat jokes. When you’re a fluffy guy and you have a little car and all of your friends are professional comedians… oh, they’ll make you cry. Paul, especially. “How the hell did you manage to squeeze inside of that? “Hombre, I have never seen a car expand before “while someone was inside of it. “How do you get a stretch mark on the windshield? “That’s what I want to know. When you fart, does it go faster?” One after another after another. I’m like, “Oh, my God.” And you know what it is? It’s Karma. ‘Cause ten years ago, I did a joke about Paul Rodriguez on TV. I used to be on a show on the Nickelodeon Network called AII That. Some of you remember? Yeah? That was me, a lot smaller. I was only two X’s. I was a dos equis. Yeah. Anyway, as soon as the TV show season was over, they gave all the cast members gifts. They gave this one girl a TV, this one kid a DVD collection. Since I was the only one who had his own car, they gave me a car alarm with a remote start to it. A lot of cars have those now, but think back ten years ago. There was only a few that had the… [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] My friends went, “Where’d you get that?” I looked at them, and I said… “Nickelodeon!” “That’s bad!” I go to show it off to everybody. I show it to my mom, I said, “Mom, go to the car. I got to use the bathroom. I left you a present.” [gasps] “Un present, okay!” So she goes to the car, and I started the car from the kitchen. [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] ” El diablo! El diablo! El diablo!” I had to run outside. “Mom, it’s not the devil. Lookit, lookit, lookit.” [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] “Nickelodeon!” “Oh, my God, mijo. Oh, my God, you scared me.” Me sacastes un pedo, mijo. “Oh, my God, mira. Smell, smell, smell. Smell, mijo, smell. ” I wind up doing a show in Hollywood at a comedy club, and I’m working with my idol, with Paul Rodriguez. Soon as the show was over, we go—you know, we’re walking out the door, and he walks up to me and he says, “You know, I like the whole fluffy thing you do. “It’s catchy. Sounds cute. Keep eating.” We walk outside, and my car is parked there first because I showed up late. So I’m—you know, my car’s right there and Paul walks by. “All right, take it easy.” He walks right in front of my car. And my friend goes, “Dude, show him your car. Show him Nickelodeon.” And I couldn’t help it, you know, freakin’… [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] “Hey! Hijole!” What the hell? What is this?” “Paul!” “Nickelodeon!” “Hombre, cabron pinche, Fluffy, you gave me a heart attack. You take it easy.” Valet brings his car around, a brand-new Porsche 91 1. The car was nice. You know, it pulls up. [imitates roaring engine] Valet gives him the keys. He turns around and looks at me. “Hey, tu, Fluffy. Check it out.” I’m like, “Whatever. It’s not Nickelodeon.” [imitates car alarm beeping] The door pops open. [imitates whirring, beeping] Trunk. [imitates whirring] “I’m not through yet.” [imitates alarm beeping, car engine starting] [imitates engine revving] [imitates car horn playing “La Cucaracha”] [imitates beeping] “HBO.” [laughing and cheering] A lot has changed, El Paso. A lot has changed. One thing’s for sure; I’m still the fluffy guy. [cheering] And I say “fluffy” ’cause that is the politically correct term. For those of you that don’t remember, I used to say that there were five levels of fatness. Reason why I say “used to say” is because now there are six. Uh-huh. I met the new one in Las Cruces. The original five levels are big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn! People ask, “What could be bigger than damn?” The new level’s called, “Oh, hell, no!” [laughter, applause] What’s the difference? You’re still willing to work with level five. Example: If you’re on an elevator and you’re with your friend, and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other, and you’re like, “Damn!” But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That’s the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator. [deep grunting] “Oh, hell, no!” [rumbling] “No!” [rumbling] “No! No!” That’s the difference. The guy that I met was 6″8′, 614 pounds. [audience gasping] Uh-huh, “Aw, hell, no.” And he was offended at my show, not by anything that I said but because of the fact that now, at the shows, I started selling T-shirts, and, apparently, I didn’t have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to 5X on the T-shirts, and he was like… [in deep, raspy voice] “You don’t have my size.” I was like, “Dude, I didn’t know they made you.” [laughter] I have up to 5X, I don’t have [growls] “X” with a picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know. No. And by the way, you guys, I want to let you know now here in this theater and all over the world, wherever anybody’s watching this special, if you ever see me in public, either at a restaurant or at a hotel or anywhere, and you want to stop me and say hello or take a picture or anything, please. I welcome it and it’s an honor if you were to do that. I do not mind at all. [cheering and applause] Stop me anytime you want. I’m the same person. The same guy. Thank you. Seriously, the same guy you see now is the same guy you’d see outside. I don’t change, you know. You’re not gonna walk up and go, “Gabriel, can I talk to you?” I’m not going to be like, “Be gone from me. “Gabriel is my stage name. I’m not even Mexican; I’m Scandinavian.” No, trust me, I’m the same pendejo you’ll see outside. I don’t mind. I love it, you guys, trust me. You guys make it possible for me to have an incredible life and take care of my family, so I’m all for it. Not a problem. Trust me, right now it’s so crazy ’cause I’m still adjusting to people walking up to me. I’m checking into the hotel, and they already knew me, which was crazy. I go like, “Uh, hi, I’m checking in.” “Here’s your key, sir.” “But, um, um…” “We know it’s you, sir.” I’m like, “Ah!” [laughs] You know, I think that’s awesome. I needed that, like, six years ago. One time, I was trying to check into a hotel in Chicago at 1:00 in the morning because I missed my flight. Nobody’s at the front desk, just the little bell and a sign that said “Ring for service.” So there I am. Ching. Ching, ching. Ching. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Ching, ching. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. All of a sudden, I heard this. “I hear the bell.” All of a sudden, this lady came out. [exhales] “Are you the one ringing that damn bell? What the hell you want?” “Um, I’m checking in.” “You know what time it is? It’s tomorrow.” “I know, I missed my flight.” “Mm-hmm, whatever you say.” [exhales] “What’s going on out there?” “Girl, you got to see this. “I got a big-ass Mexican showing up late as hell. Okay.” [imitates typing] “What’s your name?” “My name is Gabriel Iglesias.” ‘”E’-glesias?” “Yes, Iglesias.” “Okay, ‘E’-glesias, okay, E-G-L-I…” “No, no, no, no, it’s Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ “With an ‘I’? “But you said ‘E’…glesias. “You didn’t say ‘I’-glesias. You said ‘E’…glesias.” “It’s Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ “Mm-hmm, whatever you say. It’s your damn name. “Okay? Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.”‘ [exhales] “You know, that’s bad for you.” “Oh, this right here? My grandmamma lived to be 1 00 years old.” “Smoking?” “Minding her own damn business. Okay? “Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.’ “Okay, I found you in the system. I got you for two nights, full-size bed, non-smoking.” “I requested a queen-size bed.” “And you would have got a queen “if you’d have been here yesterday, “but it’s tomorrow and you’re lucky I’m talking to you, “Mr. Iglesias with an ‘I.’ What’s the ‘I’ stand for— ‘I need a bigger bed’?” “What’s going on out there?” “Girl, you got to see this. Nacho Libre is trippin’.” “Whatever. Give me a hard time.” A lot has changed, though, man. For those of you that don’t know by now, I finally became a dad. [cheering and applause] Yeah. Thank you. Hell, yeah. He’s ten. [laughing] Surprised me too. Yeah, they found me. And it’s not what you think. I didn’t discover that I had a lost child. It’s just that I hooked up with a beautiful woman who had a pre-started family, so basically I became a stepfather. You know, I just took over the payments. Best part for me is that my new son looks exactly like me. He’s fluffy too. [cheering and applause] Ten years old, 1 62 pounds. Yeah, he’s a little— damn. [laughter] And he’s the cutest kid. You talk to him— his name is Frankie— like, “Frankie, what do you like to do?” “I like microwave burritos and PlayStation.” “Me too.” Only problem is he wakes up early, 5:00 every morning. [knocking] [in squeaky voice] “Gabriel.” “What?” “I’m hungry.” “Me too. Make something.” And he does. I can hear him in the kitchen making Hot Pockets, you know, freaking— [beeping] [whirring] [beeps] And he opens the door and doesn’t close it, and the whole house freaking— [sniffs] [moans, laughs] ♪ Hot Pocket ♪ Delicious, oh. Oh, my God, and he’s so cute because right now he’s going through puberty, and I think it’s hysterical. His mom doesn’t think so. She’s like, “No.” I go, “Yeah, I caught him checking out a girl.” “How do you know?” “I was looking at her too.” She was hot! And I told my girl, I said, “Baby, don’t worry. “If he has any questions, I’ll be the man. I’ll take care of it.” ‘Cause I went through puberty at ten. And she’s like, “Oh, thank you.” I said, “Don’t worry, I took care of it. “You know, hey, I went through puberty at ten. I understand.” Plus, I had cable, so it was hardcore, you know. You know, what’s the difference now is that now you can program channels not to work. You couldn’t do that 20 years ago. You couldn’t block a kid unless you stayed up. My mom knocked out at 1 0:00, and right around 1 1:45… “The following program has not been rated “by the Motion Picture Association of America. “Due to its graphic sexual content, viewer discretion is advised.” [shrieks] I was ten years old; I lost my mind. I’m sitting on that couch; all of a sudden… [beatboxing sultry music] [in deep, sexy voice] “Are you ready? Uh-huh, oh, yeah.” [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” “Oh, yeah.” “Yeah.” “Are you ready?” “I’m done.” And you know what’s crazy is, I know it’s happening at my house now ’cause one night I heard… [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” [laughs] “What’s he doing?” “Becoming a man.” And I was curious. I’m like, “I wonder what he’s watching,” so I started flipping through my channels, trying to find something that would “spark interest.” Sure enough, he’s watching Cinemax. Uh-huh, and I know that’s what he’s watching. That guy’s clapping— hell, yeah. [laughs] Cochino— yeah, I know. I know that’s what he’s watching because out of my TV, I’m getting direct sound, and then I’m getting, like, a little delayed echo down the hall. You know, so it’s like… [moaning] [distant moan] [in deep, sexy voice] “Yeah.” [distantly] “Yeah.” [moaning echoes] [in man’s voice] “Yeah.” [in squeaky voice] “Yeah.” I saw him the next morning. I said, “What were you doing last night?” “I was playing Nintendo.” “Yeah, whatever. You were playing ‘whee’.” And now he’s like… [sighs] Uh-huh, whatever, dude. Anyway, I know I’m sweating up here. The whole front row— you guys are like, “It smells like carnitas. He smells delicious.” Oh, big guys, I don’t know what it is. When we get hot, we smell like food. We should have our own cologne, huh? “From the makers of Tres Leches…” [spraying] “What’s that smell?” “Taco.” I’m a dork, I know. People ask me about the voices all the time. They’re like, “Do you do that just on stage, or do you do that in public too?” Like, no, of course I do the voices in public. I have to make myself laugh. You know, I like doing the voices in places where people can’t see me. Like drive-throughs. Oh, I’m evil at a drive-through, man, except the one by my house ’cause they know me. I mean, they really know me. I could show up at 2:00 in the morning or 2:00 in the afternoon, you know. [whirring, brakes screeching] “Welcome to McDonald’s. How can I help you?” “Yeah, let me have…” “Pull up.” [laughter] “I didn’t order.” “Gabriel, pull up.” [cheering] Whatever. Other places I’ve had fun—IHOP. Look at some of you— “IHOP? ” Yeah, let me explain this one. Next time you go to an IHOP, look for the podium. Usually on the weekends, they’ll have the podium set up right at the front door, and when you walk in, they’ll have a host and they’ll ask you, “How many in your party?” And you tell them two, three, four, whatever the case, and then when it’s time for your seats, they’ll call you with the little freaking— you know, they got the microphone on the side of the wall, and they’ll go, “Paging party of four, paging party of four, now serving.” When that party walked away, I grabbed her microphone and I said, “Paging Mexican party of 47, Mexican party of 47, now serving.” And the whole restaurant was like… All the guys in the kitchen. ” Orale guey!” Hell, yeah. I love IHOP. I go too much, you guys. I was at an IHOP one time during an earthquake. Wasn’t a big one. It was enough to feel it, but not freak out, you know. I live in California, so we get ’em a lot. But if you’re not used to that, you’re all… [screaming] “Earthquake!” You know, and I’m sitting there. I just rode it out, you know. [laughter, applause] [laughter, cheering, whistling] [sighs] Freaking earthquakes, man. You gotta choose which one you want, you know. Do you want earthquakes, tornados, hurricanes, fires, floods? I live in California. I’ll take the earthquakes. You could sleep through ’em. You know, and then whenever they happen, you never believe it’s an earthquake. You’re like, “Is that an earthquake or a big truck?” Seriously, you’ll be like… [groaning] [mimicking truck horn] [screams] [laughing] Smell, smell, smell, smell. [laughing] [sighs] But, seriously, you can go to work and people are talking about how they were sleeping, you know. “Did you feel that tremor last night?” [yawning] You can’t sleep through a tornado or a hurricane. And I said that down South, and people were like, “Yeah, you can.” I said, “Not if it hits your house.” I’ve never seen that interview, you know. “Sir, what happened to your home?” [in Southern accent] “I don’t know what happened. “See, I woke up this morning, “and that son of a bitch was flipped over. “It’s the darnedest thing. “You know, I got a truck in the tree, “my dog is down the street, I can’t find my wife, “but that’s for a whole nother reason altogether. I was asleep.” “Sir, you were asleep?” “Damn right, I was asleep. “I got me one of them Tempur-Pedics over there. “Get ‘er done. That’s what I’m saying right there.” [cheering, applause] Whoo! [whistling] I love that impression, you guys. I love doing that. Every time I do it, somebody’s like, “Hey, that’s the redneck cable guy.” Mexicans, be careful. ‘Cause we have rednecks too. We do. And they sound exactly like the white ones. You guys are real quiet, huh? You don’t believe me? Watch this. White redneck: “I tell you what.” Mexican redneck: “Sabes que, guey.” [laughter, applause, cheering] [whistling] Uh-huh. White redneck: [imitating banjo] Mexican redneck— we put words and moves to that. ♪ Bailemos con el tuca ♪ ♪ Bailemos con el nazo ♪ ♪ Bailemos con el tuca tuca tuca tuca ♪ [cheering, whistling, applause] [cheers] Same guy. So be careful, man. [sighs] I had to take it easy with the voices once I got with my girlfriend. She, uh—she used to think it was cute, but then, you know, I scared her. One night we’re in the room, and she’s like, “Ooh, what are you gonna do to me?” And I was like, [in shrill voice] “You’re gonna get it!” [mimicking thumps] “Stop doing that!” [mimicking demonic laugh] Yeah. We used to role play. We used to play White House. Oh, that was so much fun back in the day. I’d wake her up at 3:00 in the morning. She’s like, “Who is it?” I was like… [mimicking Bill Clinton] “You know who it is.” [laughter, cheering, applause] “Ay, Senor, I don’t speak English.” [mimicking Bill Clinton] Hell, yeah. [laughter] That’s about as political as I get now, you guys. You know, things change. People ask me, “Do you get political?” I’m like, “No, not really,” you know. “What’s your take on Barack?” I’m like, “Well, he’s, you know, “he’s a lot smarter than the last one. That’s for sure.” I love his ass, man. [cheering, applause, whistling] Some people didn’t want Barack in office only because he was black. And I’m, like, how retarded— come on, you guys. You know, he’s Barack. He’s not Snoop Dogg. You know, it’s not like he’s going to come out, “Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States.” [beatboxing “Hail To The Chief”] ♪ Here we go again… ♪ [beatboxing continues] “Mr. President, Mr. President.” [mimicking Lil Wayne] Yeah-ya? No. Anyways, that’s as far as I’ll go with that. “He said he wasn’t gonna get political.” Yeah, I know. Gotta change that up, you guys. A lot of things are changing. A lot. Got the relationship now. It’s going good. I love my girlfriend. She’s here in the house tonight too. [cheering, applause] It’s awesome. We rarely fight. And I think that’s so freaking cool. And I know why. It’s because I do this for a living. Uh-huh, and she knows whatever we argue about will eventually end up right here. [laughter] It slows her down. You ought to see her. “You know what I think?” “Go ahead, say it, say it.” Uh-huh. Yeah. The only problem I have with my girl sometimes are her friends. I don’t like her friends, ’cause they’re haters. [scattered cheering] They are. Look, the guy’s clapping. Yeah, I know, man. It sucks. Every time I leave the house, and I go out of town for the weekend, they show up, and they start throwing little monkey wrenches in there, you know. [in female voice] “So he’s not here? “Where is he? How come you’re not with him? “What’s the story? What’s the deal? “How long have you been together now? “You’re not engaged? You’re not married? “What’s up? Is he gonna adopt Frankie? “What’s the word? What’s going on? “How come you don’t have a ring? “Norma has a ring and she’s a puta. How come you don’t have a ring?” [laughter, applause] So I’ll get these messed-up phone calls at, like, 2:00 in the morning when I’m the road, right. [mimics phone ringing] “Hello.” [mimics crying] “Baby?” “Yeah?” “Are you okay?” “Mm-hmm.” “What are you doing?” “Nothing. “I’m just here at the house, watching Cheaters. ” “Great.” Oh, wow, did you see that? I almost fell. Ooh! If I fall now, show’s over. [mumbling] Oh, my God. Yeah, there’ll be people outside. “We’re standing here live in front of the Plaza Theatre. “Where authorities believe Fluffy lost control. “Seven people were reported injured, “three were rushed to the hospital. “Authorities had this to say, ‘Damn!”‘ [cheering, applause, whistling] Whoo! Thank you. They’d be interviewing people. “Ma’am, what happened?” “It got dark.” “Sir, what did you see?” [mimics roaring, thud] “Se cayo Pikachu.” Yeah, l know. “He fell.” Uh-huh. But, no, anyways, let me finish to tell you what happened. So my girl started tripping out, and I start getting these weird phone calls. Finally, I got tired of it. I said, “You know what? I don’t need this. “You know, I don’t need it. “From now on when I take off on the road, no more phone calls.” – Yeah! – Look at that guy. “Yeah!” Are you here by yourself? [laughter] Uh-huh. Whatever, dude. [applause, cheering] Anyway… Here’s the thing: I took my girl to the Apple store. And I got her an iPhone. I got myself one and I said, “From now on, we’re texting each other.” And believe it or not, she was cool with that, because anytime she would send me a text, I would reply like that. I could be anywhere. Freaking in the bathroom. Freaking… [mimics ding] “What are you doing?” [laughs] “I’m blowing it up! I love you.” Send. And she’d reply, “Oh, my God, me too. I love you!” It sounds so stupid, but it was working out perfectly until one night I got drunk. [audience oohs] Oh, you want to hear this? all: Yeah! – You want to hear this? all: Yeah! – So check this out. I’m leaving a comedy club in San Jose, California. And I’m walking back to my hotel room, which is one block away. As I’m walking, I pass in front of this bar on the corner called Cinebar. It’s got all kinds of cinema and movie memorabilia in there. Looks cool; I’m walking in front, and there are people in that bar that just left my show. So I walk in front, and I heard, “Fluffy! Hey, let me buy you a shot!” I was like, “Well, you know, I don’t want to be rude.” [laughter] Can’t have that, right? So I walked in. I said, “What’s—you know, I’m on way back to my room. I’ll just do a couple shots, whatever.” So you know, one shot and then somebody, “Me too.” “All right, me too. Vamonos. Let’s do it.” “Me three.” “Me four.” 1 5 shots of tequila later… [audience oohs] [whistling, cheering] It occurs to me, “I think I should go.” I start walking towards the door. I took three steps, the cold air hit me. I got dizzy and I fell. Hard. I know I fell hard, ’cause when I hit the ground I farted. [laughter] [mimics fart] “Oh, my God, I farted!” My buddy Martin ran over, and he helped me up off the ground. “You okay, Gabriel?” [mumbling] We stumbled back to the hotel room, I sit down in the lobby, and I’m just like… [exhaling] “Are you okay, Gabriel?” “I’m okay, man. Where’s my phone? I gotta let my girl know I’m okay.” “You’re holding it.” “Oh, thank you, Martin. I love you. “I love you. You’re a good friend, man. You’re a good friend.” He goes, “What are you doing?” “I’m gonna text.” “Dude, just call her.” “No! “If I call her, she’s gonna know something’s up. “I’m gonna text her. Watch. “Baby, I made it back to the hotel. “I love you. Kissy-face.” Send. [mimics ding] “How did it go?” [laughing] “I farted! “I shouldn’t tell her that, huh, Martin? “Okay. It went good.” [mimics ding] Send. “What did you do after your show?” “Oh, here we go.” My buddy Martin is like, “Gabriel, man, Gabriel, don’t tell her— “don’t tell her you were at a bar getting drunk, man. Don’t tell her.” “Martin, I have to tell her the truth, bro. “We’re cool like that, man. “I can talk to her. “I can—I could tell her anything, man. “She’s not like your old lady, you know. Trippin’ all the time.” “Hey, Martin, take the pictures of the cochina off the internet.” “Whatever.” “Oh, I’m sorry, did I say that out loud? Forgive me, bro.” “Gabriel, lie.” “I can’t lie, man.” “Lie!” “I can’t lie!” “Are you that honest?” “No, I just won’t remember the lie. “Why get in trouble two times for the same stupid thing? You know what I’m saying, bro?” So I sent the message. “Baby, I made it… Oh, delete, delete, delete.” [chuckles] “Baby, I went next door “with Martin to Cinebar. “Had a nice time. “Kissy face, kissy face. “Kissy face. Send.” [imitates cell phone chiming] “Lucky you. “Wish I could’ve been there with you. “Tell Martin I said hi. I love you.” [laughing] Oh, my God. Martin, I just told my girlfriend I was at a bar with you, and she didn’t get mad. What the hell is she doing? [laughter, applause] Man, she told me to tell you hi. And she don’t even like you. So I scroll back to read what she read, and apparently, my stupid iPhone has this memory spell check feature, and it didn’t recognize the word, “Cinebar.” It flipped it and turned it into Cinnabon. So apparently, at 1 0:00 at night, my girlfriend thought I was having cinnamon rolls with my friend, Martin, which normally, would sound like an ugly lie, but considering her boyfriend is known as “the fluffy guy” who loves “chocolate cake,” it sounds real. I was like, “Oh, my God. “Martin, check it out! My iPhone lied for me.” [laughter, applause] I love you, iPhone! BlackBerry can’t do that. [cackling] A month later, my girlfriend heard me tell the story, and she’s like, “That’s a funny joke.” I go, “It really happened.” “How come you didn’t tell me?” I said, “The phone didn’t let me.” And her friends are right there. “See, he’s out there getting wasted, sending you messed-up texts.” “Whatever. Shut up, haters.” Yeah, a lot of things are going on. Um, in the house here tonight, you guys, I’m very happy she was able to make it. A lot has been going on. My mom once again here at my special… is in here. [audience cheering] Where you at, Ma? I know you’re out here. Oh, there she is. [audience cheering] Andale. She almost didn’t make it here tonight, you guys, almost. Uh, a month ago, my mom got admitted to the hospital. She got a little sick. Somebody forgot to take their medication, uh-uh. “I don’t need it pa’que… pa’que neces…ay, ay.” Yeah, uh-uh, remember that? Remember that? Right? Anyway, Mom… Sorry, I have to throw it at her so she makes sure she takes her medicine. Got to give my little shout-outs right now. Right here in the front row, you guys… if anybody saw my last DVD, in the bonus features, this gentleman right here, Freddy Franco— Fred Franco— has attended over 250 of my shows. Over 250 of my shows. In about five or six different states. At first, my girlfriend was like, “Psycho.” But he’s not— he’s cool. We’ve hung out with him. Just a—one of the greatest fans ever, and so I have to give him his props, you know. He, uh, took some time off of work to come out here. So thank you, Freddy. Man. Cabron, you’re die-hard. Please don’t ever turn psycho, please. ‘Cause I have some psychos out there. They’ll show up, and they’ll hang out by the car. “Gabriel.” [laughing nuttily] It’s funny because this is my— this is my third special. In the last special that I did, I did a bunch of references to police officers. And they weren’t exactly flattering references or jokes. You know, I was just kind of like saying, you know, the whole doughnut thing and, um…[laughs] Apparently, they became fans in some weird way, because I started getting phone calls to do police functions. In December, I had five Christmas parties. I got a phone call from my agent. He’s like, “Gabe, check it out. “CHP, California Highway Patrol, wants to hire you to do a show.” I go, “Really? What does it pay?” “They want you to donate your time.” “I think I’m busy.” “They told me to let you know you have a warrant in the city of Fresno, California.” I’m like, “Oh, they’re good.” So I did the show. And I’m gonna tell you guys right now— I’m gonna tell you guys right now, it was one of the scariest shows I ever did. A room full of nothing but cops. Everybody’s drinking a lot. And I’m scared, because if they get ghetto, who do I call? You know, I got to go out in the parking lot and find some gang member. “Hey, back me up!” So the show went good. It went so good that they asked me to do another show in California, in San Diego, for the California Highway Patrol Border Division. And I tried to make up an excuse that my car wasn’t working right. They said, “No worries. We understand.” They sent a patrol car to my house with a freaking uniformed officer. And I was like, “Oh, my God.” Best part was I didn’t tell my family he was coming. Oh, yeah, sometimes you have to create your own entertainment. It was hysterical. 5:00 rolled around. I’m like, “He should be here any minute.” Sure enough… [imitates doorbell ringing] “Frankie! Frankie, can you get the door, please?” “Okay, Gabriel.” So he goes to the door. Comes back, and he’s got, like—you know, he’s like… [whispering] “Gabriel. Gabriel, the police are here.” “Why are you whispering?” ‘”Cause something’s gonna happen.” When he said that, I’m like, “Oh, I got to freaking let him have it now, right?” I said, “Oh, my God, Frankie, they found me.” “What do you mean, Gabriel?” “I got to go, Frankie. I got to go. “Take care of your mom for me, okay? I love you. I love you.” “No!” “I got to go, Frankie.” And I saw the officer— I said, “Pretend you’re arresting me. I want to freak out my kid.” “No problem. Turn around and put your hands behind your back.” “I can’t reach. “Just hold my hand. “Walk me to the car. Just walk me to the car. “Come on, just walk me to the car. “He doesn’t know the difference, dude. “Just walk me to the freaking car. Come on.” I get to the cop car. He throws me in the backseat, right, and slams the door. And I ask him, “Is it okay if I yell out the window to freak out my kid?” “You want to use the microphone?” “Yeah!” Freaking… [imitates microphone feedback] “Here you go, sir.” And he hands me the microphone, and I said, “Frankie, this is the police. “We have your father. “We’re coming back for you in one hour. Do your homework.” [imitates siren warbling] [imitates car driving away] One minute later, my girlfriend calls me. “You’re an ass!” “What’s he doing?” “He’s doing his homework.” “That’s called parenting, baby.” [cheering and applause] [sighs, chuckles] He got even with me, though. He totally got even with me. I walked in the kitchen one morning. He’s sitting there, and he looks at me, and he goes, “Gabriel, I have a question for you. What’s a hooker?” [sternly] “What did you say?” “What’s a hooker?” “Where did you hear that?” “I was watching HBO, and there was a commercial “for a show called Hookers at the Point. “It said, ‘This Saturday at 1 1:30, “check out all the hookers.’ What’s that mean?” “That means we’re going out Saturday.” “What’s a hooker?” “Let it go, dude.” “Tell me.” “You don’t need to know.” “Tell me.” “Frankie, that’s for adults.” “You said I was an adult.” “I said you eat like an adult. “And what you do in the bathroom, “you are grown up— trust me— but you don’t need to know what a hooker is.” He throws a fit in the kitchen. “Hooker! Hooker! Hooker! Hooker!” “What are you doing?” “Hooker!” He won’t stop. I don’t know what to do, so I snapped. “Quit it!” And he stopped. And apparently, his mom heard that. Mm-hmm, and as soon as I yelled, [laughing] Oh…my God, he went from being my son to my girlfriend’s little cub once again. And here she comes from the other side of the house, mama lion, to protect her little, you know… [mimics theme from The Lion King] [roaring] [imitating hoofbeats] I could see her coming. [screams] [roaring] “Why are you yelling at my baby?” Oh, my God. “He wants to know what a hooker is.” [crying] “And that’s why you’re yelling?” Tears, right? “You said, if he had any questions, he could come to you.” “I didn’t know he was going to ask me that.” “You said, ‘Don’t worry, baby. ‘”I’m the man. I’ll take care of it.”‘ “Tell him.” “Are you serious?” “Tell him now.” [sighs] “Frankie, you want to know what a hooker is?” “Yeah.” “Those are your mom’s friends.” [audience laughing] [imitates car speeding away] They don’t like me anyway. At least now, when they come over to the house— “Frankie, who’s at the door?” “Hookers are here.” My buddies are like, “What did he say?” “Happy birthday.” [cackling] Oh, my God. Noticing we got a soldier in the front row, man. How you doing, bro? US Army? [cheering and applause] Thanks for coming, man. What’s your name? I can see…yeah, I can read the last name, Fuentes, but what’s your name? What’s that? Ricardo. Ricardo… you’re in El Paso. “Ricardo, cabron. ” Save Ricardo for over there, okay? Okay? “Ricardo!” I want you to sound like you’re in one of those noveIas. “Who is it?” [suavely] “It’s Ricardo.” “Did you bring a pistola?” [imitates gun cocking] Sorry, man, I’m just giving you a tough time, man. But thank you for coming, man. Thank you for what you do. [cheering and applause] Seriously, bro. I did a tour recently called “Around in the World in Eight Days.” We went to, uh, Iraq, Afghanistan, Germany, Turkey, uh, Greenland, Alaska, and Los Angeles. They had to drop me off. Iraq was crazy, you guys. When you land in Iraq, it’s not like landing here, you know, in El Paso, where the plane comes in… [imitates landing airplane] Over there, people take shots at the planes, so the plane comes in like this. Like that. And then, at the last minute… [imitates whooshing airplane] Caca. The whole plane smelled like chimichangas. It was terrible. [groans] [laughter] That, for me, was one of the scariest shows of my life, man. I’m in Iraq, middle of the night. Outside. No tent. Pitch black, helicopter flying, and there’s a spotlight on me. [laughter] And I’m supposed to be funny. And I can hear… [imitates gunfire] [imitates rapid gunfire] [imitates crying] [laughter] And the crazy part is that I saw a sign that was very familiar. They have Subways in Iraq. I was, like, “Is that? What is that? Is that? “It’s Subway. Oh, my God! Yeah!” I got back to my room. They have the stupid commercial there too, in their language. Oh, my God, I almost lost it. Same one. Freaking… ♪ Hallel, hallel, hallel, hallel ♪ ♪ Hallel, hallel… ♪ [ululating] ♪ Hallel, hallel, hallel… ♪ [applause and laughter] “Oh, my God, turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.” [laughter] It’s crazy, man. You know what was crazy, bro? When I was in Iraq, they wanted me to go to different bases, but they wouldn’t let me go because they have to provide you with a helmet and a bulletproof vest. And apparently, the military does not have a Big and Tall. [laughter] They put that 75-pound vest on me. It looked like a bulletproof bib. Like if somebody shoots my snack, I’m okay, you know? [imitates ricocheting] Oh, it stopped right here. I’m, like, “Oh, my God.” No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. No, man. We flew into Korea. That threw me off a little bit too. We go to check into the hotel, and it was kind of scary for me, because the phone had a big sticker on it that said, “Do not discuss classified information. Someone is always listening.” That’s freaky, ’cause I’m calling my girl back home, right? [imitates phone ringing, click] “Hello?” “Hey, baby.” “Oh, my God, where are you?” “I can’t tell you.” [laughter] “Oh, my God, I’m so worried.” “Don’t worry, baby. Everything’s cool.” “Oh, my God, I miss you so much. Where are you?” “I can’t tell you.” So I’m trying to give her clues, right? [hums Asian-themed tune] “Germany?” “What?” “I’m kidding.” “Oh, thank God, honey.” “I wish you were home.” “Why?” “If you were home right now, we’d be in the room.” “Really? What else?” “And we’d be laying on the bed.” “Check you out.” All of a sudden, I heard a voice that said… [male voice] “What else would you do?” [laughter] [man clears throat] “I’m sorry. Proceed. Proceed.” [imitates phone thumping on receiver] Blockers over there. But I enjoyed myself, you guys. I had a lot of fun. I made the reference to the police officers, and, you know, sometimes there’s problems everywhere. Cops used to mess with me a lot. That’s why I love getting recognized now. Now, they’re just, like, “Oh, it’s you.” I’m like…[sighs] [laughs] That wasn’t the case six years ago. I did a theater show just like this one in the city of San Antonio. As soon as the show was over, “San Antone, ¿que paso?” As soon as the show was over, you know, I’m hanging out in the lobby, taking pictures and stuff. And then we go outside, and I get stopped in front of the theater in front of my own poster. How sad is that? You know, freakin’… [siren chirps] “What are you doing?” “Uh, standing.” “You have any ID?” [whimpers] [laughter and applause and whooping] “Keep going.” “All right!” Oh! Now, uh-uh. Every chance I get to have fun with them, I will. Last time I got stopped, the cop came to the car all mean. “You know why I stopped you?” I looked at him with a straight face, and I said, ‘”Cause I’m black.” [laughter] “Ha, ha. Hell, yeah, man. What’s up, playa?” He turned the flashlight on, you guys. [laughter] “Get the hell out of here, stupid.” [laughter] “Yay. Yay.” [imitates engine revving] Oh, and by the way, thank you to whoever brought the chocolate cakes in the back. I got them right before the show. Thank you very much. [applause and cheering] Very cool. Mm-hmm, And somebody brought Chico’s Tacos too. I thought that was great. [applause and cheering] Mm-hmm. Now, you guys here know what I’m talking about, but everybody that’s watching at home, they’re, like, “Chico’s Tacos? What the hell’s that?” It’s an El Paso tradition. If you come to El Paso… [cheering, applause and whistling] Just know that that’s, you know, that’s right here. That’s, you know… That’s the tradition in El Paso. I ran into people in other places like Chicago or New York. I’m, like, “Where you from?” “El Paso,” and I said, “Chico’s Tacos,” and they’re like… [gasps] Like, wow. Yeah. That’s hardcore. It is the craziest food I’ve ever tried, you guys. Craziest ever. Reason is, you know, they give you these little taquitos, and there’s, like, a sauce, and you pour it. And, like, the taquitos float, and it absorbs and… I never thought I’d see the day where I could drink a taco. [laughter] Mm. Yeah. And you got to have that at the end of the night. Don’t try to freakin’ plan out events after going, you know. Don’t say, “Oh, we’re going to eat at Chico’s and then go to the movies.” No, don’t do that. Don’t do that. You’ll be sitting there, like, you know, “Hey, this is a good movie, huh? This is the one where Nicolas Cage comes out and…” [loud stomach grumbling] “Anyway, he plays the bad guy in this movie, and it turns out really good.” [stomach grumbling] Then all of a sudden… [puffing] [laughter] [rumbling] [high-pitched screech] [laughter and applause] [high-pitched screech] You’re running by people. [rumbling] They’re, like… [sniffing] “Chico’s.” [laughter and applause] Mm-hmm. An El Paso tradition. [applause, cheering and whistling] You know what’s funny? Is that a year from now, they’ll be people watching this all over the world. Just, like, the first DVDs in Canada, Australia and Europe. This DVD will wind up somewhere in Australia. And they’ll be people in Australia going, “What the hell’s Chico’s?” [laughter] “Crikey, we got to go. We got to see Chico’s.” You watch, man. There’ll be people freaking out. [British accent] “I say, we must go try Chico’s.” [laughter] “It sounds splendid.” “Yes, it does.” “Drink a taco. “I never thought I’d see the day. “I’m going to try it. El Paso it is.” Oh, man. But, no. I got Chico’s Tacos and cakes. [cheering] You know? One night at one show, I received 1 1 chocolate cakes. And it was local, so I took ’em home. And that is an argument that nobody in this building has ever had at 3:00 in the morning. ‘Cause you don’t just walk into the house with 1 1 cakes. You make some noise. You know. [imitates doors slamming open and footsteps] And I walk in with the last two cakes, and my girlfriend’s in the kitchen. And she’s, like, “What the hell is this?!” I’m trying to be cute. “It’s a bakery.” [laughter and applause] “Where did you get all this cake?” I said, “Baby, the people at the show brought it.” “Are you gonna eat all of it?” “Eventually. I’m not gonna do it in one hit, you know?” Freaking two hours later. “Clear!” [laughter] “How do you know someone isn’t trying to poison you?” “With cake? Are you serious?” It’s, like, you live by the cake, you die by the cake, you know? No. Uh-uh. So we’re going back and forth, right? We wake up Frankie, and Frankie walks into the kitchen at 3:00 in the morning, and he’s, all… [mumbling] “Where did all the cake come from?” “The people at the show brought it.” “Tell ’em I said thank you.” “I’ll tell ’em you said thank you, Frankie.” “Gabriel, how come they bring you cake?” ‘”Cause ten years ago, I did a joke where I said, ‘”I love chocolate cake.’ Now people bring me cake.” “You should say you love Transformers.” [laughter] I’ll start doing it, all right? So my girl’s, like, “Baby, put Frankie to bed.” I go, “Frankie, you got to go back to sleep.” [grunting] “Want some cake?” “Yeah.” So I grab one of these tiny cakes that somebody brought me. One of those little tiny ones that has the plastic cover and the sticker on the side. And I handed to him. I go, “Here.” He goes, “A little piece?” I go, “Dude, it’s a small cake. You can have the whole thing.” And the look that came over his face at 3:00 in the morning was like he got a gift from God. [laughter] I said, “Here,” and he was, like…. [humming reverential religious tune] [applause, cheering and laughter] [whistling and applause] “Take it to your room.” [singing in Latin] [laughter and applause] I went to go take him to school the next morning. He’s in the bathroom crying. [imitates sobbing] “Hey, are you okay?” “Oh, my stomach!” “Your stomach? Too much cake?” “Yeah.” “Was it good?” “Hell, yeah.” “I’ll see you in the car.” 20 minutes later, he comes to the car, and he’s all sweaty. [breathing heavily] “You all right? What happened?” “I blew it up.” “Get in the car.” [imitates engine revving] I get him to school 45 minutes late. Usually, when I drop him off, you guys, I leave him on the side of the school, and they have, like, a drop-off zone with cones and a supervisor to make sure that your kid gets off safely. When you’re 45 minutes late, there’s nobody there, so I left him in front of the school. And apparently, that’s a no-no. You’re not supposed to do that. I didn’t know, you know? [engine purring, tires squeal] “Go for it.” “I’m not supposed to…” “I know, dude. Just go. You’re late. Go.” [grunting] [door closes, squeaking] Out of nowhere, here comes the principal. And I know it’s the principal, ’cause he’s, like, “It’s the principal! It’s the principal! It’s the principal! It’s the principal!” “Dude, relax. I’m 30. I don’t give a damn.” Here comes the principal. “Sir? Sir, this is not the designated drop-off area. “Please take your child to the other side of the school. You cannot leave him here.” I was, like… [whispering] “Watch this.” Senora… [speaking Spanish] [laughter] [applause, cheering and laughter] “That’s how you do it, homeboy. That’s how you do it.” That principal was amazing, ’cause she was, like, “Usted no puede dejar su hijo aqui. “Saca la huelta a la otro lado de Ia escueIa. “Aya, si, si, aqui, no, no. “Aya, si, si, aqui, no, no. Yo no soy pendeja.” [applause, cheering and laughter] Did that really happen? Yes. Mm-hmm. I felt so bad ’cause when I picked up Frankie, he’s like, “The principal yelled at me.” I’m like, “I’m sorry.” “I’m gonna tell my mom.” “No. It’s all right, dude.” We’re having a good time right now with his mom. And it sucks, you guys, ’cause we got into a fight that weekend. Eh… it was not too big, but it was, like, it was— it could have been prevented. My girlfriend’s backing the car up out of the driveway, and somebody had left, like, this— I guess they were moving, and they left this big box behind the car, and my girlfriend’s backing up, and I go, “Baby, baby, there’s a box.” “I got it.” [crashing sound] [laughter] Even Frankie was like, “Mom, he told you there was a box right there.” “Shut up!” So we get inside the house, and I looked at her and I said, “What the hell is your problem?” And sure enough, Frankie walks up. [whimpering “You guys are going to fight.” I’m like, “Oh, shoot— no, no, no, I’m sorry, Frankie. We’re not fighting.” “You’re yelling at my mom.” “No, no, no, no, no, I love your mom. She just didn’t hear me.” “You’re not mad at her?” “No, I’m not mad at your mom. “Baby, I love you, I love you. See, I love your mom— I love you.” [kissing] “I love your mom; everything’s cool. “You want to go play some video games or something? Come on, I’ll go play with you.” “Okay.” “Okay, come on. I’m not mad at your mom, dude, come on, let’s go. Say bye to your mom.” “Bye, Mom.” “Come on, let’s go, come on, we’re cool. I’m not mad at her; come on, let’s go.” [mouthing] “Come on, let’s go.” See, some of you are laughing, some are like, “Did— can he really say that?” [laughing] I snuck it in there, huh? [sighs] No, no fighting. But I had to make up the fact that I yelled at Frankie. I go, “Frankie, whatever you want to do, let’s do it.” “Gabriel, can we go to an arcade?” “Arcade? Dude, you have a Nintendo Wii at your house.” And then I had a flashback to 20 years ago. [in shrill voice] “¿Que, que? Arcade? “Cabron, tu tienes un Nintendo en la casa. You have a Nintendo at home.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, I’m turning into my mom. Come on, dude, let’s go.” [imitates engine] I take him to this big old freaking arcade, right? And I felt so out of it because I didn’t know you couldn’t put money in the machines anymore. I’m— Man, I remember quarters. I’m thinking, “Here, five bucks,” and he’s, like, looking at me like, “Hmm?” “What? Go play,” and he’s like— he came right back. “All done.” I’m like, “Dude.” I didn’t know this. You have to go to another machine, put in money, and then it gives you a card, and then you swipe that card to play video games. And the game he wants to play doesn’t cost a quarter. It costs three dollars. A game. Big old machine called Dance Dance Revolution. [light cheering] Some of you know this game? Yeah, maybe, sort of. For those of you that don’t know the game, it’s pretty simple. It’s a dancing game, and there’s a big screen and then arrows come out to music, and whatever arrow comes out, that’s the arrow you have to step on when it comes out. Kind of cool, but all the music is techno and it’s loud. I know I’m getting older ’cause I’m like, “They got to turn that down.” [as male announcer] “Dance Dance Revolution Revolution. Get ready.” And the kids are like, “I’m ready.” “Select music.” [beatboxing techno] [light cheering] And that’s what they dance to. “Ready, go!” [beatboxing techno] [audience cheering] “Perfect.” And the kid’s like, “Whoo!” And I’m like… [panting] I love this game, but they need to have something that’s more fluffy-friendly, so that fluffy people and parents can hang and enjoy. We’re watching this game for over an hour. I told Frankie, “Let’s go play another game and then we’ll come back when the line goes down.” “The line never goes down.” Great. So I’m watching kid after kid after kid. You know, like, “Serious? How much is it?” “It’s three dollars a dance.” “Three dollars a dance?” And then I thought about it. Well, I paid $20 two nights ago, so… I guess three dollars isn’t that bad. [laughs] Now that I think about it. Some of you are clapping, some are like, “I don’t get it.” Yeah, whatever, anyway. So kid after kid. Then I found something out. You can always spot that one kid who you just know is going to grow up to be a little bit more… creative… than others by the way he plays the game. And all the other little kids— they know something’s up. They’re like, “You got to watch. “When Benji plays, you got to watch. Watch.” Sure enough, here comes Benji, right? “Dance Dance Revolution. Get ready.” [in effeminate voice] “I’m so ready.” I’m like, “Whoa… oh, it’s on.” “Select music.” [beatboxing techno] “Ready, go!” This dude took off. [beatboxing techno] [audience cheering] “Perfect.” “I know.” I’m like, “Wow.” Frankie’s like, “I’m next.” I go, “You can’t follow that. “You better come over here and play some Street Fighter, man. “Let me show you how to throw a fireball. Get your butt over here.” Oh, my God. I had to make it up to him another way. I had to take him… to Disneyland. I stopped going to Disneyland a long time ago. Because you know what? Those roller coasters are not fluffy-friendly. Disney cares. That’s why there’s safety there. You know, they have all those different harnesses. And if you’re over 300 pounds, just stay in the parking lot. You know, ’cause they got the whole, you know… [clicking] You’re fluffy, forget it. That’s why I love a ghetto-ass carnival. You know, those ones they build in, like, six hours? I can still ride those roller coasters. It’s only one bar, three clicks, that’s it. If it locks, good. If it doesn’t, “Hold on!” [hissing, clicking] Plus, fluffy people never fall. We never fall. You know who falls? The skinny guy that got stuck next to us. [laughter] That’s who… [screams] More room. [laughs] But me and Disney, no. No mas. But I had to because I messed up. I fell asleep on the couch, and I woke up all, you know… [groaning] …and Frankie was watching TV. He goes, “Look, Gabriel, look, Disneyland.” And I was like, “Dude, what’s the big deal, okay? “It’s Disneyland. What, you’ve never gone?” all: Aw… – “My dad never took me.” Oh, mother… Next morning… [whirring] [brakes screeching] [hissing] “Welcome to the magical world of Disney.” We walk in the park; he’s all happy. [laughs] We get into the middle of the park, and he’s so funny. He starts getting winded. I thought it was hysterical because up until then, I only saw myself get like that, you know. [panting] So to see a little ten-year-old version… [high-pitched panting] [shrieks] [laughing] Hysterical. I was dying. I go, “Frankie, you want to take a break?” “Mm-hmm, Gabriel, this park is big.” I’m like, “See? “It’s not a small world after all. Like, whatever, dude, sit down.” So we’re sitting down, waiting. All of a sudden, I start getting recognized at Disneyland, and that, for me, was cool. You know, people were walking by. [indistinct whispering] “Fluffy, can we take a picture?” “Sure.” [whooshing] And then… more people. “It’s him.” “It’s that guy.” “Pikachu.” Now I have, like, ten people around me like I’m a new character at the park. Best part is Frankie starts getting annoyed. He’s like… [groaning] “Why don’t they leave you alone?” “Frankie, these are the people that come to the shows. They’re the reason why you have a PlayStation.” [exhaling] [as Frankie] “Thank you.” “Here, now, start taking the pictures.” [laughs] So I told Frankie, “Frankie, what ride are you going to get on?” “Ride?” “Yeah. What ride do you want to get on?” “I don’t want to get on a ride.” “What the hell are we doing at Disneyland?” “The commercial said that Disneyland is the happiest place on Earth.” “Oh, my God. “That’s IHOP. The hell are we doing here?” We’re hanging out at IHOP, and, you know, we started talking, and it was kind of like a little bonding moment because Frankie— his dad isn’t in the picture and my dad wasn’t in the picture, so for some reason, you know, we got a little connection going on and it’s pretty cool. Frankie told me something, and it got me right here. He goes— you know, I’m talking to him. I said, “Frankie,” I says, “do you ever want to, you know, talk or see your real dad?” And he goes, “You are my real dad.” I was like, “Oh…” And then he followed it up with this— “I want my last name to be Iglesias.” [grunting] And then his mom walked in. “Me too.” They work together, they work together. I knew it. It’s a tag team. [murmuring] Whatever. Eh, another time, I took ’em to IHOP, you guys— too funny. We walk in there, we got my buddy Noah. We went to go eat, tore it up, walked out into the parking lot, and discovered that my car had been stolen. [audience groaning] Yeah, uh-huh. I was full too. I’m like… [groans] “We got to walk.” My buddy Noah— he’s trying to be helpful. He’s like, “Gabriel, don’t you have OnStar?” I’m like, “Yeah, but it’s in the car, stupid.” “Well, can’t you call the 800 number? Maybe they can track your car.” I’m like, “Oh, shoot, Noah, you’re a genius.” So I pull out my cell phone and my freaking, you know, OnStar card, and I call ’em up. [phone rings] [in mechanical female voice] “OnStar. “For OnStar service, press one. “Para servicio en espanol, oprima el numero dos. To report a lost or stolen vehicle, press three.” [beeps] “One moment.” [imitating Chuck Mangione’s “Feels So Good” trumpet solo ] [line rings] “Thank you for choosing OnStar. “This is Kim speaking. How can I help you?” “Kim, they just stole my car from IHOP.” “I’m very sorry, sir. Can I get your OnStar number?” “Actually, Kim, I can’t read the card. “It’s kind of chewed up. “Uh, can I give you, like, a credit card or Social Security or something?” “Sir, just give me your name.” “Okay, my name is Gabriel Iglesias.” “Oka—” “Hello? “Kim? Kim?” “Do you spell that with an “I”?” [cheering, applause] [mimics thud] [mimics ringing] [in female voice] OnStar. For OnStar service press one. Para servicio en Espanol oprima el numero dos. Un momento. Por favor. [laughter] [applause, cheering, whistling] [imitates trumpet playing “Mexican Hat Dance”] [trumpeting continues] [mimics ringing] “I speak Spanish too, motherfucker!” [laughter, applause] I love you, El Paso. Muchas gracias. Thank you so much. [“Mi Gente” by Kumbia Kings playing] Thank you. [cheering, applause] ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, con toda mi gente ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, por que no me entienden ♪ ♪ Si yo, trabajo de sol a sol ♪ ♪ Si ser honesto es mi religion ♪ ♪ Yo no necesito que me digan ♪ ♪ Que es lo que puedo hacer, no no que no ♪ ♪ Si yo vine de lejos a esta tierra ♪ ♪ Fue por que havia escuchado Ia promesa ♪ ♪ Que aqui yo encontraria la manera ♪ ♪ Para poder vivir mejor ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, con toda mi gente ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio ♪ ♪ Lloro, callo, grito, por que no me entienden ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio, lloro ♪ ♪ Callo, grito, con toda mi gente ♪ ♪ Sufro, siento, rio, lloro ♪ ♪ Callo, grito, por que no me entienden ♪ ♪ Yo quiero que entiendan que en mi tambien corre el sudor ♪ ♪ Que yo quiero a mi tierra ♪ ♪ Que ami tambien me dueIe lo mismo que austed… ♪


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