COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: DANIEL TOSH (2003) – Full Transcript

2017-10-04T20:08:49-07:00 October 4th, 2017|Categories: COMEDY, DANIEL TOSH|Tags: |
  • Daniel Tosh

Comedy Central, Season 7, Episode 23

One, two, three, four…
Announcer: From New York City, comedy central presents: Daniel Tosh: Thank you. You guys are ready to go. I hope you don’t mind if I just warm up a little bit first, just a couple of these. There you go. All right. You remember that exercise in P.E. Class? Have you ever done it in your life since? [Laughter] The answer’s no.
You ever woke up in the morning, said, “you know what I need to do today? Some a these.” Yeah. There you go. That feels great. Now the other way. Well, that’s awfully tricky. [Laughter] We wonder why we have a weight problem as a nation. I’m pretty sure this isn’t cuttin’ it. [Laughter]

Oh, this is a great job. People applaud when I go to work. Yeah. That’s a lot better than your job. I mean it– don’t get me wrong. It’s not like a rock star, where people lose their minds screamin’. Could you imagine that at your job? Going in, “hey, how’s it going, Kelly? Listen, I’m gonna need that memo on my desk by noon.” “No! Oh! Oh, God, I got sumthin’ from ‘ya! [Laughter] “Well, thanks, but I’m gonna still need that on my desk.” I don’t even know what women do in there. That’s witchcraft. That’s voodoo as far as I’m concerned. It takes me two hands, a pair of pliers. Three hours later, I’m pleadin’ for some teamwork. Now you can reach in here and grab your panties, for cryin’ out loud. The heck is going on down there? Do you have a magic midget runnin’ up and down your back, unhookin’ stuff? What, do you give him a crouton and then he disappears? [Laughter] I don’t know how the magic midgets work.

I recently bought a pair of cargo pants. I don’t even cargo. Yeah…They don’t even check at the register. Anybody can buy those. They got all the pockets down the leg. Then one day I’m walking down the street, and I said to myself, “Daniel, this is not how your father raised you. You’re wastin’ space.” So I started to collect change from that day forward. Yeah, I have a five gallon jar at my house like to fill with change. I don’t stop till I reach the tiptop. And then a little bell goes off, and I know cargo pant day is here at last. And I dance. [Laughter] Yeah. And I put the cargo pants on with a belt, extra tight because I don’t wanna have an embarrassing situation on such a great day. And I fill up all the pockets with the change. And then I get a car alarm. Not a car alarm with a car, just the car alarm. And I hold it to my chest really closely. And then I go walk around the streets of Manhattan, and I wait for the first homeless person to come up to me and say, “hey, you got any spare change?” Then I set the car alarm off. [Car alarm sounding] You hit the jackpot, mofo! [Laughter and applause] Oh, and then I start throwin’ all the change. And that hurts. But he doesn’t care because he won. So he’s jumpin’ up and down. “I won! I won! Call the pit boss.” And I’m like, “calm down, smelly. I don’t have to.” It’s under $400. And that’s how Oktoberfest started. [Laughter] Yes. That is a true story. [Cheering and applause]

Sometimes when I’m home alone, i feel sad, and i feel like nuthin’ in my life is going right. So i like to take a home pregnancy test. [Laughter] Yeah. That way I can utter the phrase, “hey, at least I’m not pregnant.” And I realize better days are right around the corner. I’m not very good with people, either. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. Yeah, and I’d be like, “hey, I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “whatever, queer.” Look, that’s not nice at all. [Laughter continues]

You think it’s trendy for young kids in Japan to get tattoos of words written in English? [Laughter] Huh? Do you think they’re walking around over there, “hey, Kim, check this out. I just got it yesterday. It means love and water.” [Laughter] Oh, that’s sexy. Nah. I don’t like tattoos. I know my generation loves to get ’em. I’m not a fan. My friends try to always sell me on ’em. They’re like, “tattoos, that’s an artistic expression.” I’m like, “wow, because it looks like a butterfly above your cooter. [Laughter] But i guess in your circle, that’s art.” I think if you’re gonna get a tattoo, just get one, the words, “I’m dumb,” that’s it. That way, in ten years, when you go, “why did I get this? You can be like, “oh. I’m dumb.” [Laughter] “Me not talkie no more.” [Laughter]

I live in Los Angeles. Girls in Los Angeles like to say this. “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” Ooh. I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.” [Laughter and applause] Yeah. All right. [Cheering]

I know a lot of you think I’m kinda crazy. I am. I have voices in my head. But they speak in Spanish, and i have no idea what they’re saying. [Laughter] That’s irritating. I wish one of ’em would get a job. They’re my voices, don’t worry about ’em. What’s a good time for me? I’ll tell ‘ya. My favorite robe, some yogurt, and an episode of trading spaces. Oh. Then I’m in heaven. [Cheering]

Do you love Trading Spaces? I do– I would never be on that show, though. You wanna know why? ‘Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. [Laughter] They do not have my best interest at heart. ‘Cause it’s always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer comin’ in, going, “oh, my goodness, I love this place. This is what I’m thinking for your friend’s house. Circus tent. Big circus tent. [Laughter] Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?” “Oh, yeah, he’d love a circus tent.” [Laughter] “No, no, no, yeah. Why don’t you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt. That way, the ponies will feel at home.” “Great. We’re under budget.”

Now I’m a lousy piece a ass, and I should know. I’ve been there almost every time. Well, but it’s not my fault. I never got a “birds and the bees” speech as a child. I remember the closest thing I ever got. One time my dad was cooking breakfast. He’s like, “son, you better listen up, ’cause I’m only gonna say this one time.” He was in the fugees. [Laughter] Thanks. “Sex is a lot like this egg.” I’m like, “egg? Dad, i think that’s drugs.” [Laughter] “Whatever, queer.” “Why is everyone saying that?” “Just listen, all right?” “First thing I do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then you gotta take her, crack over the head, and lay her out flat, all right? Come on, now. Wait till she starts sizzlin’ really good. Then you can flip her on over. There you go. Yeah. Oh. Don’t get too excited, or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.” [Laughter] What’s going on? Oh. Ooh, that’s a gross– no, it’s not. That’s a breakfast joke. That’s the most important joke of the day. Yeah, if you don’t laugh at that, you’re gonna get sleepy around 11:30. And you’ll be like, “why am I so tired?” Maybe not.

I was dating this girl. She got a boob job, a breast enlargement. But she puts squeak toys in ’em. [Laughter] Yeah. And I’m like [Squeaking] ah! She was a clown, so it was a tax write-off. Ah, the floor is lava! [Sighs] I almost got burned there. Well, yeah, you don’t know what that is? Fine, I don’t care. That’s a game I used to play as a child, the floor is lava. It’s when you’d climb on all the furniture in your house, and you couldn’t touch the floor. Yeah, you might have called it something completely different, but it meant the same thing. You were poor. [Laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause I remember going, “mom, I would like a Nintendo.” And she’s like “the floor’s lava.” I’m like, “what the hell is wrong with our house?” “Why can’t we afford carpet?” It’s called two jobs, bitch. No. That’s how I used to talk. I was very street. All right, maybe not.

I uh…I’m gonna be a horrible father. But I know this. And I don’t have any kids. So I think that’s pretty good. Trust me, I have a lot of friends like, “I’m gonna make a great dad.” Wow, because you’re a complete loser now. You know I’m not against responsibility. I’m actually looking into legally adopting a granddaughter. [Laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause being a grandpa is cool, and it’s really easy. It’ll be awesome. I’ll adopt some cute little 14-year old girl. And she’ll be like, “hey, dad, thanks for adopt– ” I’m like, “whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m your grandpa.” And she’ll be like, “oh. Well, see ‘ya at Christmas.” Couple years go by. She’s in college. Comes home with some of her friends. Be like, “hey, girls. Why don’t you come over here and sit on grandpa’s lap.” Then she’ll be like, “oh, grandpa.” Because you never report grandpa for being creepy. [Laughter]

Life is what you make it. Have you heard that? Yeah. Do you live it? You don’t. I live it. I have a great life. My friends think it’s so much better than it really is. Why? Because i make it better. That’s right. You wanna know where I’m working next week? Hawaii. Yeah. I’m gonna be in Hawaii. All right, really, I’m gonna be in New Bern, North Carolina. Yeah. But in my mind– [laughter] I’m going to Hawaii. And you can do it, too. And it is a lot cheaper. [Laughter] Any time you’re going someplace that you don’t wanna go, just pretend you’re going to Hawaii. Pack a bunch of flowered shirts, jump off the plane, be like, “aloha, everybody. [Chuckles] Where’s my lei?” “You’re in trouble.” Order tropical drinks all week. When you get home, your friends’ll be like, “hey, we’ve never been to Hawaii. How was it?” And just be like, “eh– was all right.” I even took my girlfriend last week to Paris. The whole time she’s like, “this looks a lot like Birmingham, Alabama.” And I’m like, “shut up, Britney Spears.” And she’s like, “quit calling me Britney Spears.” And I’m like “no one talks to “the rock” like that, bitch.” [Laughter and applause] Yeah. [Cheering] Which is really funny, because i don’t have a girlfriend. [Laughter] That was just some lady on the bus. She did not smell what i was cooking. [Laughter] Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European. [Laughter] It’s not fun to fly, I’ll tell ‘ya. I have one of those cell phones with the ear-piece that hangs straight down. So when you talk, you look like you’re crazy. Everybody eavesdrops on your conversation. They don’t want to. They’re forced to because you project right onto the air. So when i get a phone call at the airport, I’ll admit it. I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. [Laughter] Gate 47 is completely clear. People notice in a hurry. “Honey, something’s going on. That guy has a wire hanging down. Maybe we shouldn’t be standing right– ” “stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!” “Honey, there is a sting going on here at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please let’s– “stand down, blue team! Don’t– hold on, the suspect’s approaching. He’s in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.” And i find some random businessman. I run, i just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping. “Thank you for making our airways safe.” And then i go get on my plane. And that guy’s just got a weird story to tell for the rest of his life. [Laughter] Yeah. He’s like “I’m never going back to Los Angeles again. I was at the airport a couple days ago, and this guy came outta nowhere. And he just beat me up.” [Laughter] “And everybody just clapped. [Laughter] What is wrong with those people?” I think boxers are the greatest athletes of all sports, for the simple fact that they don’t cry. That is mind blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh, my gosh, it hurts so bad. [Laughter] They have to go back to a corner where some little man yells at ’em. “Shut up, i just got punched in the face.” [Laughter] “Yeah, i know, dodge and punch more. It is a very simple concept.” If i was a boxer, you know who i would hire for my corner man? My mom. [Laughter] At least she could make me feel good on the inside. “I don’t wanna fight anymore.” “Who’s my big boy? [Laughter] You are. Yes, you– do you want me to call his parents? No? Okay, then dry those tears, pussy, that’s why dad left.” Cannibalism is a horrible scenario. I’m not gonna argue with you. But if you had to eat another human being to survive, do you think they taste like their ethnic background? [Laughter] Do you think Mexicans are spicy? [Laughter] Do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into one? You can start laughing now. I’m gonna do everybody in here. [Laughter] Chinese people, are you hungry 30 minutes later for more? [Laughter] Let’s go, everybody. Black people– taste like chicken. [Laughter] All’s fair, all’s fair. White people? All right, you don’t eat white people. I’m sorry, i don’t make the rules. [Laughter] Do you at least understand why i end the joke that way? Because it’s so funny to make a room full of white people uncomfortable. “Oh, see, we laughed at black people taste like chicken, ’cause we kinda thought you were gonna throw one in our direction. And now you pretty much hung us out to dry.” It’s just a joke. What if that joke is the reason i don’t get into heaven? Like i get up to heaven, find out God’s black. Yeah. He comes walking up to me. “Ah, that joke wasn’t funny, mother(Bleep). Lemme tell you sumpin’, that black people taste like chicken. White people taste like macaroni and cheese, bitch.” [Laughter and applause] All right. Calm down, crackers, this ain’t a rally. I don’t want anyone gettin’ the wrong idea. I know– that– i doubt God’s usin’ that kinda language. And that’s a very stereotypical voice i used for an African-American. I apologize. How many black comics have you heard in your lifetime go, “you know white people. Hi, Bob, how are you? Good, tom, thanks for askin’.” [Laughter] I don’t sound like that at all. That’s very offensive. I do that joke one night– and of course a white lady came running up to me after the show. She goes, “what gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that?” I’m like, “listen, lady. My best friend is Cuban, and that’s close enough.” [Laughter] Yeah. She was like, “oh, I’m sorry.” [Laughter] Does everybody hopefully their wjd bracelets on? Do you know what that is, everybody? ‘What would Jesus do?’ They’re not magical. They’re just a reminder to be a better person, to live a better life. It’s true. ‘Cause i was wearing my bracelet recently, and i was in the movie theater. This guy’s cell phone went off. Don’t you just hate that? Yeah. And I’m like, “woo.” And then he picked it up. “Hey, how’s it going? I’m in a movie.” And I’m like, “hey, get off the phone.” And he’s like, “mind your own business.” And i almost went crazy. But then i looked at my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So i lit him on fire and sent him to hell. [Laughter] Yeah, i did. [Cheers and applause] I’ll be honest, i felt a lot better afterwards. Those things work. Money doesn’t buy happiness. That phrase should end with, “just kidding.” [Laughter] Good. I’m not a good sport. I’ll admit it. I don’t enjoy watching other people succeed. That’s why all my best friends are in the seventh grade. [Laughter] You can do it, too. It’s great for your esteem. No matter what, they come– “oh, i got an a on my paper.” “Oh, i have a car.” [Laughter] I don’t like game shows. I don’t like watchin’ people win money. My biggest fear in my life’s my next door neighbor knocks on my door one day. [Knocks] “Hey, Daniel, get out here. I just won the lottery. I’m outta here for good.” “Hold on. Now have you told anybody yet?” “N– n– no, you’re the first one.” [Bang] [Laughter] Yeah, i don’t know if you can cremate someone in a gas fireplace, but I’ll find out. [Laughter] And these game shows giving away millions of dollars? Who wants to watch that? I’d like a game show with millionaires on it. And they have to play with their own money. Yeah, and they can’t win money, they can only lose, till one of ’em goes completely broke. And the show’s called, “ha, ha, now you’re poor.” [Laughter] I’d watch that show every day. What time is it? It’s “ha-ha now you’re poor” time. [Laughter] That’s the dance you do when it comes on, i guess. [Laughter] Now you know the worst television, mtv. I can’t st– music television. They call it that. They don’t even play music. How’s that legal? [Laughter] What if everybody did that? “Hey, thanks for callin’ New York pizza.” “Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.” “Oh, we don’t sell pizza.” “What?” “No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call the book store if you’re hungry.” They have a show on mtv that i can’t stand– “cribs.” You ever watch “cribs?” Yeah, that show should be called “wanna feel like a failure?” Little bowwow has an s series. That’s not right. [Laughter] Tell you what, though. If i ever get really famous, i promise you the greatest “cribs” episode of all time. Oh, you can trust me on this one. I’m gonna hire universal studios to come over to my house, build an extension of caves and corridors that go from my bedroom to the bathroom. That way, every night, when i wake up to go pee, the adventure begins. [Laughter] So i wake up, right? I’m like scared and nervous and i have to go. And the camera crew’s following me. And I’m like, “ooh.” And i hire Vin Diesel to hide and jump out and scare me and sword fight me. And he’s like “prepare to die.” And I’m like, “calm down, you over-actor. I’m paying you to lose.” And he’s like– and then i kill him. And there’s a princess tied up. And she’s like, “thank you. I’ve been here for so long.” I’m like, “no time for talkie, gotta tinkle. Let’s run.” We start going. The walls street closin’ in. Yeah, there’s doors going down, and rocks everywhere. And we have to go across an old rope bridge. But halfway across the rope bridge, the bottom one sets on fire and it snaps. And she falls, but i got her with one arm. Yeah, i can feel her slippin. But she’s looking up at me, going, “I’ll never stop loving you.” Close up on my eyes, and a close up on her eyes, and i close up on my eyes… Like– and then she falls. Like, “aaaah!” And I’m like, “whyyyyy? Whyyyy?” And i snap outta that. I gotta pee like a racehorse. Back up onto the rope. I get to the bathroom. I pull my pajamas down, ’cause i sit down and pee like a girl when I’m at my house. It’s my house, i feel more comfortable that way. Don’t judge me, the Bible says not to. But as soon as i sit down, a hologram of my dad pops up. And he’s like, “Daniel, this is your father. Make sure you look behind the shower curtain before you–.” Too late. A dragon comes from behind the shower curtain. Yeah…It’s gonna spray me with fire, but i rip the medicine cabinet off, right? Mirror ching-ching, kills the dragon. And then i got to the bathroom. I go back to bed. And no one even knows i added these extensions on to my house. It’s top secret. My maid comes runnin’ in. “Daniel, Daniel! What’s with all that ruckus?” And I’m like, “oh, Helga, it was nothing. Now get back to your quarters.” And she’s like, “hmmm.” Then i roll over and stare at the camera crew, and I go, “shhhh.” [Laughter] And then the camera goes back onto Vin Diesel’s body. Close up on his face. And then his eyes open. Well, did you get chills? Yeah. Let’s see p. Diddy top that crib. Thanks a lot, you guys. [Cheers and applause] captioning made possible by comedy central. Captioned by mccaptioning services.

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