NORM MACDONALD: ONE NIGHT STAND (1991) – Full Transcript

2017-09-27T23:54:12-07:00 September 27th, 2017|Categories: COMEDY, NORM MACDONALD|Tags: |
  • NORM MACDONALD - ONE NIGHT STAND (1991)

I BIT MY TONGUE

Well, good to see ya- good crowd here. How ya doing tonight, ya alright? (Crowd cheers) Good stuff, there.

Well, I’m doing alright, too. I, uh, not much of a day for me- I, uh, I bit my tongue today, that was about all. You ever do that? Man, that hurts, eh? Still hurts. It’s very embarrassing, biting your tongue, y’know? You just be walking down the street, minding your own business, y’know- (singing) “Doodly-do, doodly-do- doodly-HO!” Then everybody’s looking at you (over there), y’know? And you’re ashamed, y’know? You feel ashamed that you bit your tongue. People go, “Hey, what’s the matter with you there?” You go, “Oh! (weak laugh) A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. My uncle’s sick. Yeah, I didn’t bite my tongue, if that’s what you think.”

I’m surprised I don’t bite my tongue all the time, actually, y’know, ’cause I’ve got so many teeth, y’know? I’ve got fifty, a hundred teeth, something like that- and, uh- they’re all right around my tongue there, y’know? They don’t get out much.

CAUGHT SMOKING AS A KID

Ah, I quit smoking- that’s good for your teeth, man. Ya ever try that? Holy cow, is that tough, huh? I smoked ever since I was a kid, I always remember smoking, y’know?

One time I remember, I was a little kid, I was like eight-years-old, and I was behind my garage. I was sneaking a cigarette back there, and my dad caught me- I’ll never forget it. His big head came around the corner of the garage. There it was- my dad’s big head, and then his body right after it- there was his body. Trailing his head, as it often would. And he grabbed me, and he hauled me in, and I thought I was in for the strapping of my life, y’know? What he did is, he pulled out this giant cigar. Must have been half the size of my arm, this big cigar. Stuck it in my mouth, lit it up, made me smoke it. All the way through- right to the end. That’s when I started smoking cigars real heavy. That plan backfired on him.

Then there was another time I remember, now that I’m thinking about it. I was behind the garage again, as luck would have it, and, uh, this time I was smoking a big, fat joint back there. And, uh, (weakly) heh, heh- “don’t do drugs”- ha ha ha ha, and, uh, my dad’s big head showed up again! And- with no body this time, just a big head. That was the funny part. He liked to mix it up like that, y’know? So anyways, he grabbed me there with his teeth and he hauled me in and, uh- I thought I was in for the strapping of my life, y’know? But, uh- he injected me with heroin. So he was a strict man, I’ll tell you that.

TOUGH OLD CODGERS

But, you gotta quit smoking, that’s all I know, man- ya gotta quit. It’s not all I know, I know other things, too, but, uh. It’d be kind of a wasted life if that’s all I combed out of it there. But, uh, you gotta quit smoking, because otherwise, you get old and then unhealthy, y’know? You see a lot of that, y’know? Though some guys don’t.

Ya ever see those old guys, doesn’t matter what the hell they do to themselves, they just grow old anyway, y’know? Meet a guy- he’d be the oldest bastard you ever met, y’know? (He) just does everything wrong, y’know? (Old man’s voice) “Every day, I smoke four packs of cigarettes, I drink a bottle of Jack Daniels, and I hit myself in the head with a shovel, every goddam day. I’d like to die- God, I’d love to die. One time, I put a shotgun in my mouth, blew the whole goddam back of my head off, there. Just a slight ringing in the ears. I can’t die.”

BUYING AN ENGAGEMENT RING

I think my girlfriend wants to get married or something, y’know? She’s dropping hints now all the time, y’know- I think she wants to get. Last week, she got a one-year subscription to, uh, “Bride” magazine, y’know? And, uh, I renewed it for another five years.

Man- them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot, boy. I was looking at (’em). Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y’know- three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways. And, uh- you can get cheap ones, too. I saw one ring- twenty bucks, there. An engagement ring, y’know? But, uh- what the hell ya gonna do with that, huh? Y’know? You go, “Here ya go, honey- I- I love you a little bit. I’d get down on my knees, but it seems kinda stupid for twenty bucks.” I don’t mind spending a lot of money, but a ring- hey, that’s a kind of a pointless thing there, y’know? I dunno- I think I’m gonna get my girlfriend a nice engagement stereo, y’know? That’s right.

SHOPPING FOR A NEW PET

I went to buy a dog- I couldn’t believe how much these dogs cost. (The) salesman in the store, trying to sell me the most expensive dog in the store, y’know? Big six hundred dollar dog, this big pit bull, six hundred bucks, y’know? And I was looking to pay, y’know, maybe, uh, a buck, something like that, y’know maybe- two bucks, something like that, y’know? But I was going, “Hey! Don’t ya got a bargain dog around the joint here? You got any kinda “dog-of-the-week” going on this week, or a big bin of dogs, maybe, that I could pull something outta there?” But this guy goes, “No!” He says, “Why don’t you buy this pit bull?” He says, “This’s (a kinda) expensive dog,” but he goes, “This will protect your valuables, this dog.” Y’know? And- y’know, I don’t have anything very valuable, y’know? I don’t own a lot of stuff, there, y’know? I- I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own, right? I’d have to buy something to protect it, then, y’know? I’d be out shopping for wolverines the next day, there. “Show me something in a timber wolf, my good man,” I’d being saying to some good man there.

No, you don’t want a dog like that, man. I- I want a dog to do things for me, y’know? Fetch my slippers, that’s the joy of having a dog, y’know? Pit bull won’t do that stuff, you go, “Hey, pit bull- fetch my slippers!” Pit bull’d go, “Hey! I could kill you, pal. I’m a pit bull! Don’t you read the papers or anything? I- I kill, that’s how. I don’t fetch! I fetch people, that’s all I fetch. I could fetch you a guy, that’s the best I could do there, and, uh- maybe he’ll be wearing some slippers. How’d that be?”

FALL OF THE DOBERMAN PINSCHER

When I was young, no such thing as a pit bull. When I was a kid, it was the, uh- the meanest dog around- the doberman (pronounces it “dober-man”) dog, y’know? And, uh- they’d kill you, too. They’d rip your throat out just the same, y’know? But not fast like a pit bull, eh? A doberman’d always give you a little headstart there, y’know? They were a sportin’ dog, them dobermen. They’d see you in the street, they’d go, “Hey, that your house over there? Ah, go ahead.” Then they’d soar through the air and rip your throat out, and do a flip, y’know? And, uh- you’d be impressed, even though you’re dead, y’know? (You’d go,) “Man, look at that flip, there.”

But, I don’t know why, you don’t see dobermans around anymore. You ever notice that? Pit bulls now, they got all the work and everything. All the domestic security jobs go to the pit bulls. Man, the doberman’s like the forgotten dog now, y’know? Once in a while, you see ’em on a park bench with a Frisbee there, y’know? (As dog) “I used to be somebody! I’m a dober-man! Got a buck? A buck for the doberman?”

So I don’t get any of those killer dogs, y’know? I always buy a dog- when I’m buying a dog, I think to myself, I go, “Hey, if this dog goes berserk, could I take him?”

BEST SHAPE OF MY LIFE

But, the hell with dogs. I’m gonna get to be a big guy and just defend myself, y’know? I’m gonna be- I’m gonna work out. That’s what I’m gonna start doing, y’know? I haven’t worked out for uh, forever. I never worked out. Good God, has it been that long? Ever? But I gotta start, y’know, because, uh- man! (Alright then.)

I used to be in good shape. When I was younger, that’s when I was in good shape, y’know? Back when- I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh- one. Man, you should’ve seen me back then, when I was one. Oh God, I looked good- young and fresh! You wouldn’t know me now if you’d seen me when I was one, y’know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, “What are you, zero?” And I’d go, “No, I’m one over here!” They’d go, “Man, you don’t look a day past zero- I’m not bullshittin’ ya there. (Ya) look good.” And I go, “Oh, thank you very much. I appreciate it, but, uh- I’m one!”

WEIRD SPORTS ON THE TV

So, you gotta stay in shape, and I watch the TV- watched a lot of sports on the TV. Everything on the- any sport at all, y’know? I don’t care, y’know? And some of those sports are not even sports. y’know? Ya ever see those sports on the TV, where they just try to take two different sports and combine them together- make up a new sport? Y’know, and they don’t even work together, y’know? Like, (a) guy’ll run a hundred-yard-dash and then– fish.

I saw this one- cliffdiving. There’s a weird sport, eh? A guy diving off a cliff there, and they’re trying to pass it off as a sport, y’know? It’s like, uh- attempted suicide pretty well, eh? Next week, I saw in the TV Guide, they got, uh- “washing down quaaludes with wood alcohol.” Can you believe that? How about that for a sport, eh?

THOUGHTS ON CLIFF DIVING

It’s tough to know who’s better in cliff diving, either. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, “Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff!” And then another guy’d dive- “Oh, there’s another guy diving off a cliff there.” But you can’t tell who’s better, y’know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you’re a great- you’re a- you’re a great cliff diver there. There’s only two classifications in cliffdiving there. There’s, uh- “Grand Champion” and then, uh- “Stuff On a Rock.” Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I’ll tell you that. It takes a lot of dedication there.

THE DATING GAME

I love the TV, though. Anything on the TV at all. I watch game shows- ya ever watch them? You ever see that game show “The Dating Game”? That’s the oddest game show I ever saw, that show, y’know? They got no prize on the show, they just give you, like, uh- another contestant, that’s your prize. Just pair you off, no budget at all on the show, y’know? And they always do the same thing on the show; they get a beautiful girl (and) match her up with three giant geeks there, y’know? Last week they had a guy on, it was like a crazy guy-loony bin. Kind of a psycho-wingnut, y’know? You can tell by (the way) they introduce him: “Bachelor Number Two is a shadowy, lurking character. From no fixed address, please welcome — he’s just a guy!” A menacing figure shambles into the studio there, y’know? Then they make the girls, y’know, ask those questions there. They’d always be about sex, y’know? Always thinly disguised sex, y’know? Never direct, y’know, insertion or anything, but it was always something about, y’know. Like the girl would go, “Bachelor Number Two, if I were a popsicle, what would you do to me? What would you do to me if I were a popsicle? That’s what it says on the card here.” So he goes, “Oh, if you were a popsicle, eh? Well, first of all, I guess I’d, uh- take your wrapper off- if you know what I mean! And then, I’d, uh- grab ahold of your sticks- if you know what I mean! And then I’d press you against the counter ’til you broke in two!”

PLIGHT OF THE BACKSEAT PASSENGER

Well, it’s good to be here, man. I came down here, I got a dri — I got a lift down here. We drove down, me and my two buddies there, and, uh. Four hours it took us to drive down here and, uh- I was in the back seat all the way. Ever be in the back seat for a long trip? Aw, man, does that stink or what? Man! What a rough place that is! And when there’s only three of you in the car, y’know, and you’re in the back seat, y’know, you know you’re not the most popular guy in the car there. (You’ve) got no dignity back there at all, y’know? Didn’t even have a door for me, just one of those two-door cars. Only had doors for the front seat guys. I didn’t have a door at all. I had to bum a door off one of the guys to get out of the car. Man, (it’s) lonely back there.

You wanna be in the front seat, that’s where you wanna be, eh? Right beside the driver- that’s the place. Second-in-command there. You get to look at a map and everything and check out the tapes out of the box and all that stuff. You go, “Hey, man, the driver dies, I’ll be the driver!” You’ve got responsibility there, y’know? Back seat, man, you’re just cargo back there, y’know, just, nothing back there. You can’t talk to them, y’know? You’ve got that class barrier- front seat/back seat thing there. You can’t- you can’t smash through that, y’know? You ever try, you just stick your head into the front seat? You’re, “Hi! What are you guys talking about? It’s me from the back seat! (dejectedly) Okay, I’ll go back there, now.”

Well, after a couple of three hours on the highway, you get so lonely in the back seat, y’know? After a while, you start trying to make contact with other people in other back seats along the way there. You ever do that? Look out your little excuse for a window there, “I’m back seat people, too, over here. We must band together. I have some literature for you to look at there if you want.” (It) could be a cow on the back of a flat-bed truck there, “Hello, there!” It’s livestock, but it noticed me there.

You really tell how they care about you in the back seat by the fucking seatbelt they give you, eh? It’s just right here, no shoulder strap or nothing, just — Same seatbelts they banned from the front seat back in the Fifties. They said, “Man, we can’t have these in the front seat, we’ll throw them in the back seat! We’ll give you shoulder straps up here, and air bags and, on impact, uh- a medic will jump out of your glove compartment there. You’re good up here!” (They) even got a headrest for you, y’know- so your head doesn’t hurt or anything, y’know? Man! You be in the back seat, eh? That headrest just be like a face smasher to you, y’know? Just grimly mocking you for the whole trip there. (Your) head’d go into that like an over-ripe cantaloupe there. Just “splash!”

TRYING TO RE-DREAM A DREAM

Ah, the only way you can escape is to sleep, y’know? That’s the only thing you can do in the back seat. Sleep and perchance to dream. I love sleeping, eh? Don’t you like to sleep? Oh, it’s the best, man. You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin’ life again? Man, that’s rough, eh? So then you fall asleep, try to re-dream it? Man, that never works out there. You always end up with some weird mutation of your original dream there, y’know? Well, the other night, I was dreaming, y’know? I was in a pool with Christie Brinkley, and we were approaching each other, me and Christie Brinkley in a pool, and we were just about to touch, and I woke up. So then I fell asleep, tried to re-dream it there. Ended up shooting pool with David Brinkley. That wasn’t very much fun there, I’ll tell you that much.

A LOTTERY TICKET IS A TERRIBLE GIFT

Well, I’m looking for gifts. You ever get a, uh- you ever get a bad gift? Y’know? Last Christmas, man, I got the worst gift a guy ever give me. He gave me a lottery ticket. You ever get that for a gift? Man, what a stinkin’ gift that is, huh? You know, what’s a guy even thinking there, right? (He goes) “Here you go. Nothing! Merry Christmas! It’s nothing! From me to you- not anything!” You know, unless it wins, then it’s something. But let’s face it- if you give a guy a lottery ticket, you know, you don’t want it to win. What kind of fucking nightmare would that be, y’know? Imagine that, you get a call a week after Christmas there? (You) go, “Hey, Fred. What’s happening there? Yeah, I remember that ticket I give you. Fourteen million bucks, eh? (Anguished laughter) Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha aha ha ha (voice cracking) Good for you, Fred, yeah. No, I’m happy over here, no, I. Listen- what’d you get me again there, Fred, I- I can’t remember what you got me, I- I know I got you the fourteen million, but I can’t. I can’t remember for the life of- Oh, yeah- the cup! Yeah, I remember now. Yes, thanks for asking, I’m enjoying the cup there. I, uh- had some tea out of it the other day there, and, uh- some coffee, I’m hoping to have some soup there and, uh. Guess (there’s) no chance of that cup skyrocketing in value at all, eh? No, I guess that’s the sensible you. Well, I gotta go now, Fred. I gotta go apply a shard of glass to my throat. Okay, goodbye.”

GIFTS FOR MY DOG

But, I gotta buy for my dog, now, I gotta buy gifts for him, y’know? And, uh- man, he has a birthday, like, seven times a fucking year, too, y’know? So I’m always out shopping for him there. Man, you don’t know what to get a dog, eh? Very hard to buy for a dog, y’know? What the hell’re you gonna get him, y’know? You wanna get him something he wouldn’t ordinarily get for himself, y’know, but that’s, that’s just strewn garbage, that’s all he ever gets for himself! I got him a rubber bone, I thought he’d like that, y’know? Dog gets it and goes, “Oh, great! A bone! Ah, yeah- it’s not a bone. A million laughs, pal.”

I LIE A LOT

(The) dog doesn’t really talk, by the way. I know my dog talks in a lot of my little jokes there, but, uh- I’m just lying there. He’s a regular dog, y’know. I lie like that sometimes. You ever lie? Who the hell doesn’t lie, eh? Ya gotta lie, but, uh- You ever lie for no reason? That’s the worst kind of lie, eh? You know? ‘Cause usually, there’s a reason you lie, like you want to protect somebody’s feelings, or, y’know, fuck over your buddy, or something like that. But you ever- just a big lie spills out of your evil head all of a sudden, you don’t even know? You know, like a guy’ll come up to you and go, “Hey! You ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and the horse?” And then you go, “Yes.” And in the back of your head, you go, “What the fuck am I lying about over here? I- I stand to gain nothing by this lie. What the hell am I thinking back here in my head?”

“IT’S ME BOB!”

Lot of bad people, man. Lot of bad — I was reading this one guy, in the paper, y’know? Baddest guy I ever read about. This guy killed his family- if you can believe this, folks- killed his family because the devil told him to. Can you believe that? Man! What a dork, eh? That was the headline, actually: “What A Dork!” “Guy Kills His Family Because the Devil Told Him To.” But can you imagine that, and then afterwards, you go back to the devil, y’know, you go, “Yes, Devil! I did as you instructed- I- I slaughtered my family as they lay sleeping, and then I chopped ’em up and put ’em in a duffel bag. Here they are, I got ’em here in the duffel bag. I’ll be burying them tonight at the shallow grave by the side of the railroad track, as you have commanded, O Lord Host of the Hoary Netherworld.” And then the devil pulls off a mask, “It’s me! Bob!” Then you go, “Oh, Bob!! (sheepishly) Jeez- you got me there, Bob, you got me. Is my face red or what over here? I got my family in a duffel bag! That’s one for you there, Bobby Boy!”

Okay, listen folks, you’ve been great. Thanks a lot, eh? Enjoy. (Cheers)

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