Home COMEDY KEVIN HART: SERIOUSLY FUNNY (2010) – Full Transcript

KEVIN HART: SERIOUSLY FUNNY (2010) – Full Transcript

Voted the top comedian of 2009 by Humor Mill Magazine, Kevin Hart stars in his second solo stand-up performance live from Cleveland, Ohio. "Seriously Funny" features Kevin Hart performing in front of a sold out crowd at the Allen Theater.

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Kevin Hart - Seriously Funny

Whoa! Yeah, Cleveland. What’s up, Cleveland? How you all feeling? Everybody good? Y’all good? Everybody straight? Cold as shit out this bitch, ain’t it? I don’t like that— All this snow. I don’t like that shit. Y’all got that slushy shit, that slipping snow. Hey, look— God damn it. There’s slush. There’s slush right there. Watch the slush. I don’t like that shit. Y’all ain’t supposed to have snow out here. I don’t like that shit. Y’all ain’t supposed to have snow out here. Good year for y’all though. Right now got— Before I even get started, shouts out to— — Hey, sugar foot. How you doing? How you doing, sweetie? Get it out now. Before we get started, shouts out to my man Shaq up front showing love. The cavs. My man LeBron in the house. Shout out to our boy LeBron in the house. It’s a good year for y’all. A good year for y’all. Y’all might do it. Y’all might do it. Y’all might do it. Y’all might do it. All right, y’all got me up here for a while, all right? And this time— About an hour. I’m gonna be up here about an hour. Now in this time y’all gonna hear a lot of stuff. I’m not gonna lie to y’all. Don’t judge me. I don’t want nobody judging me. I love to be honest when I’m on stage. I talk about things that I know— My family, my kids.

I love to talk about my babies. Two babies— Little boy and little girl. Now I used to talk about my son being a dumb baby. I used to. I’m serious, I did. I thought my baby was a dumb baby. But now I’ve realized he’s not dumb, he just does dumb shit. Like, I don’t like the way my son throws his tantrums. Like, I don’t like the way my son throws his tantrums. You know, when a baby throws a tantrum he’s supposed to fall out, cry, roll on the ground. That’s a tantrum. This is not a joke, this is for real. This is what my son does when he gets mad. I’m not lying. Don’t make me laugh. Look. This is what he do. He goes… This is what he do. He go… It’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t say nothing. I got to wait till he’s finished then explain to people what happened. Then explain to people what happened. He got an attitude ’cause he can’t get no candy. My baby is weird, man. When he gets mad he gets in the oven. I swear to God. He gets in the oven. Then get an attitude with me when I get him out. Boy, get your ass out of the damn oven. Get your ass out of the oven before I turn it on. When I say that he go, “hot. Hot. That thing hot, daddy.” I love him to death though, man. Two— A little boy and little girl. Now my daughter, Two— A little boy and little girl. Now my daughter, my daughter’s a different ballgame. My daughter’s spoiled, man. About to be five. Spoiled. I’m not gonna lie. I spoil her. That’s what I’m supposed to do. She’s at that age now though where she knows. She knows how to play me and her mom against each other. She knows how to make us fight.
Here’s how she got me in trouble the other day. She came in the room, she hit me with the soft voice. She’s like, “dad, can I have a cookie?” I said, “yeah, baby. Let’s go get a cookie.” I start walking towards the kitchen. Out of nowhere all I hear is, “don’t give her no goddamn cookie!” Scared the shit out of me. I stopped. I didn’t know what it was. I thought it was Jesus at first. I didn’t know what it was. I thought it was Jesus at first. I went, “why can’t she have a cookie, Jesus? What did she do?” But here’s how smart she is. She knew how to get a reaction out of me. She looked at me. She said, “dad, I thought you was the king of the house.” When she said that, it set me off. It riled me up. So I snapped. I said, “what the fuck you mean she can’t have no goddamn cookie? Why’d you buy the cookies if can’t nobody eat a cookie? That makes you stupid for buying uneatable cookies. Ain’t nobody getting a cookie.” I shut the whole cookie operation down. I grabbed the cookies, got my ladder, put them on top of the refrigerator. Then I hid my ladder. It wasn’t a big ladder. Three steps. It’s a ladder for thugs. Pap pap pap, real quick. Little thug ladder.
This parenting thing is hard. You need patience. Got to have a lot of patience to deal with these kids. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t have a lot of patience. I’m learning. I’m trying. Certain things make me mad. Like, I don’t like it when I tell my kids to do stuff and they do exactly what I say. I want you to do what I say, but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it. but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it. Don’t do it the way you want to do it. Do it the way I saw you doing it when I told you to do it. It might be confusing, but this is serious to me. The other day my son, he’s suped up off candy. He’s running all over the house. I got mad. “Hey, that’s it. Come here. Shut it down. Go to bed.” Swear to God, this is what he did. This made me so mad. Standing up, this is what he did. I said, “go to bed.” He said, “ah” I was so mad. “Wake your damn ass up. You don’t sleep standing up. You’re not no vampire.” You’re not no vampire.” I was mad ’cause I didn’t know how to explain why I was mad. You don’t close your eyes till your brain tells your body to shut everything down.

I got a lot of fears, man. I got a lot of fears as a parent. Let me tell you guys one of my biggest fears. One of my biggest fears is my son growing up and being gay. That’s a fear. Keep in mind I’m not homophobic. I have nothing against gay people. Be happy, do what you wanna do. But me being a heterosexual male, But me being a heterosexual male, if I can prevent my son from being gay, I will. Now with that being said, I don’t know if I handled my son’s first gay moment correctly. Every kid has a gay moment. Okay? Every kid. But when it happens, you’ve got to nip it in the bud. You got to stop it right then. “Hey, stop! That’s gay!” It’s quick. “No!” I don’t know if I handled my son’s situation right. Okay? He’s at a birthday party, right? My son’s at a birthday party, he’s playing. My son’s at a birthday party, he’s playing. You know when kids play, they just play. You don’t know what they’re doing but they’re having a good time. They’re just doing a bunch of stuff, right? They’re moving around. I said, “okay, he’s good.” I finished talking, I turn back around to check on my son again, a little boy was grinding on my son’s ass. He was like this. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I knocked them both down. “Hey, what’s going on here? What kind of party is this? Huh? What kind of party is this? What’s going on here?” This lady came out. She was like, “what are you doing? They’re kids, let them play.” She was like, “what are you doing? They’re kids, let them play.” I said, “you show me another kid getting fucked in the ass and I’ll calm down.” My son had on corduroys. That’s why I had attitude. I didn’t see it, I heard it. All I heard was… Brr brr brr. “What the? Who the hell is playing with cards? What is that? Is somebody shuffling cards? They’re too young for spades here.” The thing that pissed me off— Here’s what pissed me off, man. I was eating a buffalo wing when it happened. I was eating a buffalo wing when it happened. I should have dropped the wing and ran over there, but I licked my fingers first. I didn’t mean it. I said, “hey! Boy!” The black in me came out. There’s a lot of pressure dealing with kids, man. But I’m learning. Here’s one thing I’ve learned. Here’s why my patience is getting better. My kids are gonna make mistakes. The reason why— When I was a kid I made mistakes. I did a lot of stupid stuff as a child. My blood’s in them. They’re gonna follow suit. With that being said, I don’t get as mad as I used to. With that being said, I don’t get as mad as I used to. I’m calming down. My daughter cursed for the first time the other day. I didn’t get mad. We was watching “SpongeBob.” Something happened to Patrick. Out of nowhere she got mad. She’s like, “shit!” I said, “wait, what? What did you say?” She’s like, “shit! They got Patrick, dad. You not watching?” I said, “whoa. All right.” Here’s why I didn’t get an attitude. I’m gonna tell you why I didn’t get an attitude. I didn’t give her attitude because I remember my first time cussing.

My first time cussing was ’cause my mom smacked me in front of company. My first time cussing was ’cause my mom smacked me in front of company. My friends was over my house. I’m downstairs. We’re playing, we’re having a good time. My mom comes downstairs, she said, “hey. I told you to keep it down. You don’t run this house, I do, okay? With that being said, that’s it. You’re done. Go to bed.” Smacked me. Sent me up to my room. Now you know when you get smacked when you’re a kid you get hyped when you get by yourself. “You gonna smack me, bitch? In front of my friends? You gonna smack me?!”
I was emotional. I was an emotional-ass kid. I was emotional. I was an emotional-ass kid. “I’m running away! That’s it!” I packed a bag and everything. You know how many times I packed a bag with a toy? I packed a bag with one toy. “I’m out. I’m sick of it. Me and He-Man are out.”
My mom gave me permission to cuss one time. One time she gave me permission to cuss. I’m in school, I’m being bad. My teacher got mad. Said, “Kevin, come here.” Told me to come to the front of the class. Wrote a note, stapled the note to my chest. Said, “make sure your mother reads the note.” I get home, my mom reads the note. The note said, “maybe if you showed your son some more attention at home, he wouldn’t act like a fool in school.” My mom read the note. She said, “let me tell you something. You tell her mind her damn business before I come down there and I beat her ass.” Before I come down there and I beat her ass.” I said, “okay. You want me to say it like that? Or do you want me to take some stuff out?” “What I say? Tell her mind her damn business before I come down there and I beat her ass.” I said, “no, I heard what you said. I just want to make sure that you know that you’re telling me to say the same thing.” “Kevin, if I tell you again I’m gonna smack the shit out of you.” “Okay. No, I got it. Okay, I got it. Okay, I got it. No, I got it. All right, okay.” Keep in mind it’s a lot of pressure, all right? Keep in mind it’s a lot of pressure, all right? My mom just gave me permission to go to school and cuss my teacher out. I didn’t feel comfortable with the situation. So I wanted to practice. I wanted to go upstairs, I wanted to go over my lines. So I’m in the mirror, I’m going over my lines. I’m like, “okay, all right. Okay, all right. Okay. My mom told me to tell you to mind your damn— No, that’s too loud. That’s way too loud. That’s not believable. It’s too loud.” Finally I go over it. I get it down. I’m like, you know what? I’m gonna go to bed early, get some rest. ’cause I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. ’cause I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. I don’t want to mess this up. So I go to bed. I wake up, get dressed. Put on my pants and my shirt. I get on the school bus. All my friends see me. They get hyped. “Ooh, Kevin’s on the bus. Everybody look. Kevin’s on the bus. What up, Kev?” I was like, “yo, not today, y’all. I got a lot of stuff on my mind. I can’t really have y’all throwing me off.” My friends was like, “what are you talking about?” “I can’t really get into it. All I can tell y’all is that it’s about to go down.” He was like, “what?” I said, “look, man. He was like, “what?” I said, “look, man. It’s about to go down. Just be behind me when I walk in class.” He said, “all right, cool.” I walk in class, miss green my teacher, she starts speaking to everybody. “Hello. Good morning. Good morning. Hello. Hello. Good morning.” She sees me, she was like, “Kevin.” I said, “miss green.” She said, “did you let your mother read the note?” I said, “yes I did.” She said, “well, what did your mother say?” I took a deep breath. I looked at my friends. I was like, “it’s about to go down.” I said, “well… I said, “well… My mom told me to tell you to mind your damn motherfucking business, bitch. Little stupid bitch. Little dumb teacher bitch. 2+2 not knowing what the fuck it is bitch. Cross-eyed, crying down your back fat foot ass bitch. Long tittied, no nipple having ass bitch.” The shit was crazy. My friends was in the back and they was like, “oooh! My friends was in the back and they was like, “oooh! He said she ain’t had no nipples.” I got suspended. I got suspended and an ass whipping. My mom beat the shit out of me when I got home. “I told you to say two cuss words. You said 76 of them.” I thought I was Samuel L. Jackson. I’m sick and tired of these motherfucking teachers in this motherfucking school. I had a trench coat on and I flapped it. You know when you flap it, you got to get that air under it. Like fuck everybody in this bitch. I don’t give a shit. Like fuck everybody in this bitch. I don’t give a shit. I’m a goddamn thug.

You can’t be so hard on your kids, man. One of my friends got a teenage daughter. He too strict. I told him, “you got to relax. That girl gonna do what she want to do when you’re not around anyway. Relax, man.” He said, “Kev, let me tell you something. Do what you want to do with your kids. Don’t tell me how to raise my kids.” I said, “you’re right. I apologize.” Now this isn’t funny, but it made me laugh, okay? He goes to his daughter’s phone and he finds a picture of a little boy’s thing on the phone. Right? of a little boy’s thing on the phone. Right? Now it’s my friend, okay? Tells me everything. It’s not funny that he found a picture of a little boy’s thing on the phone. It was funny the way he told me. He confides in me. He tells me everything. He comes on the tour bus, he mad as shit. He says, “Kev, you’re not gonna believe this. I go through Tiffany’s phone. I found a picture of a little boy’s, uh, situation on the phone.” I said, “what? What?” “I found a picture of the hot dog without the bun on the phone.” “What are you talking— ” “A tallynackle. She had— “What are you talking— ” “A tallynackle. She had— It’s a dick on the phone! She got a dick on the phone!” I didn’t know what to say so I just kept repeating what he said. I said, “so you’re telling me he is a dick on the phone?” He said, “there’s a dick on the phone.” “So right now if I look in the phone there’s gonna be a dick in it?” I said, “well, what you gonna do?” He said, “what you think I’m gonna do? I’m about to go to the school.” I said, “why you going to the school?” He said, “why you think? I’m about to find out whose dick it was. That’s why I’m going to the school.” I said, “yo, I don’t think that’s a good look. I don’t think you should do that. I don’t think you should go to the school with a picture I don’t think you should go to the school with a picture of a little boy’s dick in the phone and try to match it up to other little boys. That’s a little pedophile-ish, don’t you think? You’ll be in jail before 3:00.” He said, “well, what would you do?” By far the most difficult question I’ve ever been asked in my life. He said, “what would you do? ” I thought about it. I don’t know. I don’t know what I would do if I found a picture of a little boy’s thing on my daughter’s phone. I don’t know what I’d do. I’d probably punch her in the throat. I don’t know. ‘Cause I got a son too, okay? If I found out that my son is pulling his thing out at school, when his mother’s around I’m gonna have an attitude. When his mother’s around I’m gonna have an attitude. I’m gonna have a lot of stuff to say. “Really? Really, dude? That’s what you do at school? So you don’t need pants ’cause your dick is out, that’s what you’re telling me?” As soon as his mom leaves— “Hey, come here. What she say when she saw it? Give me some. Give me some. Yes! Hell yeah! Sometimes you got to put it on the table, son. Let ’em see it. We small but we big at the same time. Let ’em know.”

I’m a different type of parent. I’m a different type of parent. I am a different type of parent. I’m not gonna lie. Certain things I do differently. I don’t like babysitting. I can admit that. I don’t like watching my kids by myself— Too much pressure. No man does. No man in this room is a good babysitter. I can tell you how every man in this room watches kids. We sit on the couch and listen for shit. That’s how we watch our kids. Kids do whatever they want when they’re with dad. “Hey! Hey! I know y’all not in that toilet. Y’all better not be in that toilet!” We ain’t gonna do nothing. I definitely don’t like watching other people’s kids. It’s too much pressure. There’s nothing worse than watching somebody else’s baby and you give them their baby back in a condition that they didn’t give you their baby in. Like you ever have to explain something before they see their baby? Like you ever have to explain something before they see their baby? “Hey, real quick before you look at your baby. Uh, your baby had two eyes for sure, right? Okay, so it happened here. Gas went off in the kitchen, blew the back of your baby’s face out. It was crazy. My baby knew what to do. He got in the oven. Your baby just stood there. Y’all don’t run in your house? Don’t nobody run in your house?” I had one little girl get hurt over at my house. Scariest thing ever, man. One little girl, right? My daughter got real big bunk beds. I’m in the living room. I’m watching TV. I’m in the living room. I’m watching TV. Her and her friends, they in the room playing. Out of nowhere, I hear a loud bang. Bang! Little girl start crying. Aah! Aaaaaah! I come in the room, the girls are standing around her. They all standing around her. One girl is on her knee looking at her face to face. This is what almost MADE ME LAUGH: When I came in the room, the girl looked at me like “hm hm hm.” But I can’t laugh ’cause I’m in daddy mode. I’ve got to figure out what happened. I go to my daughter. It’s her room. She’s responsible. I said, “heaven, c’mere. Come here. I said, “heaven, c’mere. Come here. It’s your room. You’re responsible. What happened?” It’s very hard to take a kid out of play mode. When kids are playing, they don’t know that shit just got real. They don’t know. In her mind it’s still a game. I said, “what happened?” This is what my daughter did. She said, “ho! Daddy! Daddy!” You ever see kids do that shake shit? “What is wrong with— Stop. Stop shaking your face. Stop. What happened?” Stop. What happened?” This is the story my baby told me. She said, “we got monsters, daddy. There’s a bunch of monsters in here. The prince came out, told us to get in the castle. The castle was at the top of the bunk bed. We got up there, there was too many people in the castle, so… Somebody had to go. We took a vote and she lost. I kicked her off.” “Wait, what? What?” “I kicked her off, dad. It could’ve been anybody.” My baby made an executive decision. I said, “all right. My baby made an executive decision. I said, “all right. She had to go. I get it. I understand.”

I’ll tell you another fear of mine. I’ll tell you another fear of mine. Here’s another fear of mine. My biggest fear is getting knocked out in front of my babies. That’s a fear, man! As a dad, what do you do? What do you do when your kids come get you? “Dad, they messin’ with me?” “Who?” “Them!” As a dad, you gotta go whip whoever them’s ass is. That’s your job as a dad. What do you do when you go down there and get your ass whipped? What do you say? What do you say to your kids? “Dad, they messin’ with me?” “Who?” “Them!” “Stay right here. Hey, motherf— “Stay right here. Hey, motherf— Come on, come on! Let’s go! These niggas are real! Let’s go! Hurry up! Get in the car! Was that a kid? Was that a kid? When we get home, I’m whippin’ your ass for putting me in that situation. I had nothing to do with that. I woke up this morning as a Christian. You don’t do that to me.”

It’s a different ballgame. See, me? I’m gonna be honest with you guys, man. I’m not that guy. I’m not a fighter, man. I’m not. I won’t act like I am. I won’t. Seen too many bad things happen. I saw my dad get knocked out one time. I was 13. It traumatized me. This guy hit my dad twice in the same spot— Uhn uhn— Quick as hell. Quickest two punches I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve never seen anything like it. Hit my dad so fast I’ve never seen anything like it. Hit my dad so fast in the middle of the fight my dad stopped and asked me what happened. In the middle of the fight. He’s like, “shit! Hey! Kevin, hey! He just hit me twice?” “Yes. Yes he did.” “Are you sure it was him?” “It’s only y’all two out here, dad. Ain’t nobody else out here with y’all.” “So you telling me he that fast? They not jumping me? Ain’t nobody jumping me?” “No, nobody jumping you. It’s just him.” “Well, he must be an octopus. I saw a lot of stuff goin’ by my face.” “Really? Really, dad? “Really? Really, dad? An octopus? That’s what you just fought? A human octopus? Really?” When my dad called another grown-ass man an octopus, that was the day he stopped being my dad. I lost all respect. He didn’t understand that. He was still trying to discipline me. “Kevin! Hey! Didn’t I tell you to get the trash out? Get up, get the trash out before I crack your damn face.” “Shut up. Shut up! You get the trash out before I get Steve over here, put his damn hands on you again.” “Oh. Oh. “Oh. Oh. Oh, you gonna get Steve, huh? You are something else, you know that? You are something else. Give me the trash. I’ll take the trash out. Give me the trash.” He didn’t want to see Steve again. Steve beat the shit out of my dad. You ever see somebody lose a fight and talk like they won? That’s my dad. After he got knocked out, he’s like, “you good? Are you good now?” I said, “dad, I don’t think that’s your lines. I think the winners say that. I think the guy who won say that. I think the guy who won say that. You just lay down for a second and let him finish his speech. I think you got up too fast anyway. You gonna be dizzy.” When I saw my dad get knocked out and I saw my brother get knocked out, it made me feel like, as a family, we’re not good at this particular activity. We’re not fighters. We’re readers. We’re good readers in my family. You don’t know what people are capable of now. Too many people know too many different things. I’m serious.

Know what I’m scared of? I’m serious. Know what I’m scared of? U.F.C. Fighters. You know why? Because they’re real. That is not a game, people. They are here. They exist. They know shit. Touch a pressure point, shuts your whole body down. Pow. “It’s a wrap. Can’t move none of that.” “Fight back!” “I can’t. Everything is shut down. I don’t know what he did. Everything. I can’t move anything.” You know who gonna get their asses beat by these guys? Thugs. I’m gonna tell you why. Thugs. I’m gonna tell you why. Thugs, y’all don’t know how to just fight. Thugs always got to give you a speech before they fight. You ever see how long it take a thug to fight? Gotta give you his whole background before he fight. It take too long. “Yeah. Real niggas. All day. Just me. By myself. On the block. Holding it down. Gun at my waist. Straight face. All day. Not a game. In jail. By myself! One bed. No pillowcase. One pillow. Didn’t nobody write me. It was early. Woke up. Went back to sleep. Took a nap. You ever go night night, nigga? Took a nap. You ever go night night, nigga? You ever go night night, nigga?! Everybody goes night night, nigga!” “What? What does this have to do with the fight? Are we fighting or not? ” “You didn’t write me.” “I don’t know you.” These guys are gonna be the ones, man. Everybody can’t be a thug. Everybody cannot be a thug. I can’t stand TV thugs. You know what a TV thug is? Those the guys who do what they see on TV all day, every day. All day, every day. all day, every day. All day, every day. You ever see those guys. “Yeah, nig’. What, nig’?” You never seen the dancing thugs? Get out the car… “It ain’t a game. You think it’s a game around here?” I don’t like those guys. I know real thugs.

My uncle is a real thug. Certified. Put a stamp on him. Locked up 15 years. Got out of jail, ain’t nothing changed. Very serious. When my uncle talk, this is how he look. I don’t care what he’s talking about. This is how he looks… I don’t care what he’s talking about. This is how he looks… I don’t care what he’s sayin’. “Put the goddamn jelly on the motherfuckin’ sandwich. Do it! Spread it!” He’s crazy. He’s crazy. He’s institutionalized, man. Understand when you’ve been in jail 15 years, all you know is jail. Your mannerisms, your language— You eat, sleep and think jail. Okay? Your threats aren’t even the same. When you threaten somebody, they should know what’s about to happen. When you threaten somebody, they should know what’s about to happen. It’s a transition into a fight. “I’m sick of your ass. Get up.” When they get up, they know there’s gonna be a fight. Stuff my uncle says leaves you in suspense. They’re like the worst jail metaphors I’ve ever heard in my life. I don’t even know how to explain ’em. He gets out of jail, my brother calls me. “Kevin, uncle Richard just got home.” “I’m on the first flight. I’ll be there in the morning.” I ain’t seen him in 15 years. I got to see him. I get there, my uncle’s in the middle of the living room. I’m hyped to see him. “Uncle Richard, what up, baby? 15 years. That’s a long time. How you been?” 15 years. That’s a long time. How you been?” I swear to God this is what he said. “Say it with your chest, little-ass nigga!” I didn’t know what to say. My brother grabbed me. He was like, “chill. He’s been saying this all day. We don’t know what it means. Wait till we figure it out.” Here’s the thing, right? I said, “I’m not gonna chill. I’m gonna talk to him. Y’all not talkin’ to him.” I pulled him to the side Y’all not talkin’ to him.” I pulled him to the side and said, “look, unc, a lot of stuff has changed since you’ve been gone. I’m doing well. I’m making good money. Let me take you out, put you around some women, get some drinks. We’ll have a good time.” He said, “all right, cool.” I take him to a lounge, right? I’m at the bar. I’m drinking. There’s women around me. I’m having a good time I can’t see him, but I can hear him. I can’t see him, but I can hear him. Out of nowhere all I hear is “I’m sick of this motherfucker, man. Kev, pin the tail on his ass!” “Is it his birthday? Why would I do that? “Is it his birthday? Why would I do that? W-why would I do that? What do you mean?” “Peel this motherfucker’s muffin cap back blue.” “Is that drink? That’s probably a drink. Can I get a peel his muffin cap back blue?” “Say it with your chest!” “Can I get a peel his muffin cap—” I didn’t know what to do. I was confused.
My family threw him on me, man. They threw him on me. They said, “Kev, look, you’re making money. Give him a job. They said, “Kev, look, you’re making money. Give him a job. Give him a second chance at life.” I said, “fine. I’m gonna let him train me, okay?” I was about to go to Australia. I was gonna film a movie. I wanted to get a little bigger. Let him train me. Reason why? My uncle had that jail body. Up top, solid. Not a game. Rock hard. Didn’t work on his legs that much. Sometimes you could see him struggling to keep the top half up— The stick legs. Looked like this nigga was tip drilling all the time. Looked like this nigga was tip drilling all the time. “What are you doing, unc? Why you keep shakin’ your ass? What are you doing? Relax your ass, man.” “I ain’t shakin’ it. It’s my legs.” Now for those of you who do not understand the job of a personal trainer, I’ll explain it to you. A personal trainer’s job is to do what? Motivate you, people, make you feel like you could do things you never thought you could do. Here’s an example of a personal trainer’s conversation. “Come on, man. You can do it. “Come on, man. You can do it. Push it. You got it. Breathe. Three more. Last two. Get it up. Last one. Good set. Go wipe off.” That’s a trainer conversation. Once again, I didn’t like the way that he talked to me, okay? We’re at the gym. I’m on a weight bench. I’m not gonna lie. I’m struggling. I couldn’t get it. I couldn’t get it. Out of nowhere, he came up behind me. “Close your mouth Out of nowhere, he came up behind me. “Close your mouth before somebody come up, put their dick in it on the yard.” “What’d he say? What’d he just say? Somebody get the weights. I just wanna ask him something. Somebody get the weights. Let me ask him something. Uh, is that a dick out behind me for real or is he just joking? No, if it is, that’s gotta change. Somebody’s got to put that up. I’m not gonna work out if that’s gonna stay out. I pay my membership like everybody else. I don’t need to see that. Fix it.” That’s when I stopped messing with him. Hey, real quick. This is not a joke. Hey, real quick. This is not a joke. I just want to know what you guys think. Be honest. You don’t gotta lie, okay? This is true. It’s me being honest. I’m opening up to y’all for a second. Does this make me gay? I was at the mall, right? Some guy saw me. He was like, “oh, Kev Hart. What up, man? I’m a big fan. I love you, dude. Funny as hell. Keep doing you, man. Swear to God. Funny.” And I caught it. Does that make me gay? Does that make me gay? Does it make me gay? I thought he was waving. Put yourself in my shoes. I thought he was waving. I thought he was waving. Put yourself in my shoes. I thought he was waving. By the time I realized it wasn’t a wave, it was too late. I was like, “hey, man. No no no. I got it. Too late. Okay. Ummm.” It was weird. What do I do now? I held it until he left and then I set it down. I didn’t use it. I set it down. I swear to God. I’ll tell you the truth. I didn’t use it. I didn’t put it in my pocket. I just set it down. I wanted to be like my uncle for a minute. I did. This is me being honest with you guys. Reason why? My uncle got so much respect, man. People feared my uncle. I was like I want that fear. People feared my uncle. I was like I want that fear. Don’t nobody fear me.

People think I’m a bitch. They do. My lady think I’m a bitch. Call me a bitch all the time. “You a bitch!” Right to my face. “So? Now what? What happens now?” It’s not that I’m a bitch. I’m just smart. I don’t put myself in situations where I’m not gonna win. That don’t make me a bitch. Here’s what really PISSES ME OFF: If I am a bitch, that’s our business. Don’t nobody know me. You don’t know me, man. If me and you get into an argument, it don’t matter what I say, If me and you get into an argument, it don’t matter what I say, you got to believe me ’cause you don’t know what I’m capable of. Same thing vice-versa. Only way you could tell if I was a bitch is if somebody close to me says something to set an alarm off in your head. That’s the type of shit she do. We’re at dinner. I’m a little drunk. I’m not gonna lie. I get into an argument with this guy, hit him with some thug shit. “Say something else to me, I’m gonna go to my car, I’ma pop the trunk on your bitch ass.” That means I’m gonna go to my car, get a gun, come back, shoot this shit up. When I said it, she was like, “what you gonna get, the car seat?” “Bitch, what— “Bitch, what— Oh my God. Why would you say that out loud? Way to go. Congratulations on messing this up for me. Congratulations.” Women, y’all make me mad with that. I’m gonna tell you what pisses me off, ladies. I hate the fact, women, that you cannot control your anger. I hate it. I really hate it. Women, you need to learn to put a cap on your anger. You know what I mean when I say “cap, ” sweetie? A cap. It means a point that you will never go above. It means a point that you will never go above. That’s a cap. Men, we have a cap. What’s the worst thing you’ll ever say to a woman? – Shouldn’t take that long, fellas. – Bitch. “Bitch.” There you go. Come in different levels. “Bitch! Hey! Bitch! Bitch!” Different levels. Different levels. Women, y’all don’t have a cap. Y’all try to cut so deep when you get mad. You want to mess with a man’s pride, his goals. Y’all say stuff that ain’t nobody’s business. It’s Christmas. My mother’s here. It’s Christmas. My mother’s here. You bring up personal stuff ’cause you got an attitude. “Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Whatever. Fuck you, pissin’-in-the-bed boy. Uh-huh! What now? That’s right. Go upstairs, flip the mattress. It’s a big-ass piss stain on the other side ’cause you don’t know how to control your bladder. Boo-ya! Right in front of your ma.” Now you gotta sit there with the “she lyin'” face. “What? You’re a liar. No, you’re a liar. You’re a liar. No, you’re a liar. You’re a liar. That’s Mountain Dew. I didn’t pee on anything.” That’s the difference. Ladies, y’all go too far. When you get mad, y’all see red. Y’all go to the point of no return, man. Why do you grab the steering wheel while a man is driving? Why? Why?! We both in the car. You’re gonna kill us both. But you don’t care ’cause you see red. “Fuck you! Kill us! Kill us both!” Kill us! Kill us both!” “Hey. Hey! Kill your side, bitch. Ain’t no ‘kill us.’ us ain’t mad. You got the attitude.” I know women. I can break women down. I’m gonna tell you guys something that you’re not gonna like, but you need to hear it. You need to hear it. Not one woman in this room likes for her man to have a good time when she’s not around. Not one. It’s a true statement. I see some of y’all lookin’ at me with attitude. I see some of y’all lookin’ at me with attitude. “Not true. I don’t care. Have fun. Shut up. Kill yourself.” Let me tell you why. Just listen. Let me tell you why I feel like this, okay? I don’t say anything that I cannot prove. That’s your lady right there, right? If I’m wrong, sweetie, tell me I’m wrong. You ever been out with your boys? You’re with your boys. You ain’t doing nothing wrong. Ain’t no women around. You’re having a good time with your boys. She call you while you out. When you pick up the phone, she hears fun in the background. That’s why they get an attitude. ’cause she hears fun. You pick up the phone having a good time. “Hey, shut up, Steve! Hey! No, hey, I ain’t gonna take another shot. No, hey! Yo, I swear to God that was like the best night of my life. I swear to God. Hey. Hey, what’s up, babe?” “You know what? Nothing. Do you. I haven’t got time for this. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo boo. You know why? ’cause I’ma do me! Do you, boo boo! Do you! Every time I call you always laughing. What the fuck is so funny?! You laughing at my stretch marks?” “What? Nobody knows you have stretch marks.” “Whatever!” Y’all crazy, man. Y’all are crazy. I’m very serious, man. I’ll— I’ll go a step further. For those people that are not believers yet, I’ll go a step further. For those people that are not believers yet, I’ll go a step further. Fellas, you ever have a genuine laugh around your lady? I’m talking about to where your stomach hurt. You know the good laughs? One of them. You ever look at your lady’s face? See how mad she get ’cause she’s not a part of the laugh? Look at her face. You think I’m lying? “What the hell are you laughing at? ” “I don’t know. I thought everything was cool. I didn’t know.” I thought everything was cool. I didn’t know.” I know what I’m talking about. Ladies, I know what you guys are thinking. You’re like, “whatever. Men, you do the same thing too. Y’all get an attitude with us when we go out.” I’ll tell you something, ladies. We don’t really give a fuck. Let me tell you why. Hey, listen. Listen. We don’t. It’s all an act, okay? If you guys could see how much fun we have when you leave the house and we’re alone— There’s so much fun stuff that happens. You’ll never know about this stuff. It’s just a good time. We got to put on that show so you feel like we care. We got to put on that show so you feel like we care. It’s all a show. “Babe, no. Come on, babe. Babe, please. Every night with them. Come on. Spend time with me, your man— And the bitch is gone. Yeah! Yeah! * Oh oh, I’m by myself * * What? Oh, I’m by myself * * What I’m gonna do? What I’m gonna do? * * I’ma beat my dick, I’m gonna beat my dick * * I’ma get it, I’ma get it * * Where the laptop at? Where the laptop at? * * I’ma get it, I’ma get it. *” That’s what we do. That’s what we do. Soon as you leave, there’s so much filth that goes down. If you don’t believe me— If you don’t believe me, ladies, next time you leave the house, come back in five minutes. I bet you catch him doing nasty shit. Bet money. Bet money you catch him. Soon as you leave, come back in. “Hey! Get the— Hey, girl. I thought you said you was going to work. God damn it. You got somebody with you? Is somebody with you? Wait a minute. Let me clean up. Let me blow these candles out. God damn it. I thought you was gonna be gone all day. Set up an evening for myself, you gonna come back all fast. Why didn’t you ring a bell? You don’t ring bells? You just gonna use a key ’cause you live here. You are something else. Something else.” I know what I’m talking about. I know what I’m talking about. Ladies, I’m gonna be honest. I understand you guys. I really do. I understand you guys. Your biggest fear is not being fun. You don’t ever want your man to think that you’re not fun. That’s why you’re always looking for validation. Always. You’re always looking for validation. “Babe, I’m fun, right? Huh? Babe, look. Remember? Right? Remember that time? Remember? Jump shot. Remember, I was like, ‘ahhh, in your face. Michael jordaaan.’ remember? No?” Michael jordaaan.’ remember? No?” See? That’s why we try to make you feel fun. That’s why we listen to your stories. To be honest, I can’t stand when women tell stories. I hate it. It makes my balls itch. I hate it. I swear. It’s just a bunch of words with no plot, no middle, no ending and it’s always angry. Why are all your stories so angry? Everything about work is mean. How come nothing good ever happens at work? It’s always bad. “Babe, let me tell you about this bitch Sabrina at the office today. “Babe, let me tell you about this bitch Sabrina at the office today. First of all, she comes in the office with white stockings on and black shoes. Uh, excuse me, bitch, Labor Day is over. Huh? ‘scuse me. Boop. Thank you. Backspace. Delete that. Huh-uh.” They start talking about problems in the office. We don’t fuckin’ know. “Let me tell you what she did, baby. She come to me talking about, ‘can you go print this out the fax machine?’ ‘uh, no. I am an executive administrative assistant, not your assistant.'” we got to act like we know what’s going on. “Whaaaat? “Whaaaat? She told you to print it out the fax machine? Huh-uh. No, she didn’t. That bitch is crazy. Not my baby.” “Thank you.” They all turn into the computers. “Thank you. I told the bitch, ‘boop. Backspace. No. L-o-l. R-t-o-f-m-a-o. Thank you. Delete that. M-t-f-o-m-o-f-o-h-s.” “What did you just say? ” “Get the fuck out of my face. We can’t curse in the office.” “Okay.” I don’t understand you guys. I love you, but I don’t understand you. I love you, but I don’t understand you. But as men, we have to. I’m not gonna lie. We’re not perfect. We are not perfect. I know I’m not perfect. The reason why, ladies? You’ve got a little to do with that. You put men on too high of a pedestal. Whatever pedestal you have us on, take us off. It’s too high. We’re never gonna meet your expectations. Take us off. I’m serious. Once you realize we do dumb shit, we’re dumb sometimes, we’re gonna fuck up— That’s our nature as a man. we’re gonna fuck up— That’s our nature as a man. Once you guys realize that we’ll get along so much better. If you don’t believe me that men do dumb shit and don’t realize it, listen to ’em. Listen to the answers we give you when we do dumb shit. You ever hear how dumb our answers are when we do dumb shit? “So you just gonna sit down there at the pool with all them naked bitches?” “Well, I thought it was cool. I’m waitin’ on you to come down.” This right here is the national dumb nigga stance. Whenever your man— Whenever he get bow-legged and touch his face… “I’m waitin’ on everybody else. “I’m waitin’ on everybody else. I’m thinkin’ everybody gonna eat the chips.” “What? What are you talking about, man?” I know I’m not perfect. I know I do dumb shit. I do. I can admit that. I’ve never done crazy stuff. I ain’t never put my hands on my lady. I never went that far. I plunked her one time. I did do that. Right in the forehead. Mm, it was solid. It just jumped out my body. I don’t know where it came from. She was driving, I’m like, “bitch, you think it’s a game?” She was driving, I’m like, “bitch, you think it’s a game?” You would’ve thought I’d hit her in the head with a bat. She went… I was scared. I thought I was going to jail. “Hey, I’m sorry. Get your plunk back. Here. Get it. Plunk me back. Let’s be even. Come on. Plunk me back. I just wanna be even. Please please? Can you please plunk me back?” That’s just me being honest. There are certain things I’m not good at. I’m not a good storm-outter, people. I can admit that. For those who do not know what storming out is, that’s when you leave the house angry. that’s when you leave the house angry. “I’m sick of this! I’m gone!” Slam the door. Boom! The purpose of storming out is to leave the illusion in your lady’s head that you’re never coming back. When you slam the door, she’s supposed to break down. Soon as you slam the door. “I’m gone!” Boom! She breaks down. This is my impression of a woman breaking down. “No. Oh my God, please don’t. No. No, don’t do this to me. No, every time I do this, you do this. No.” I hate when women cry and try to talk. I can’t stand that shit. I can’t stand that shit. “I ain’t wanna do that. I ain’t tryin’ to do nothing.” I look like the first slave to ever walk. “I don’t want to do nothing. I was just trying…” It’s too much. I’m gonna tell you why I’m not a good storm-outter. You know why? I forget stuff. You can’t storm out and forget shit, ’cause you got to go back, get the shit you forgot. You look stupid. Trust me, fellas. I know from experience. You leave angry— “I’m sick of this, man! I’m done! You leave angry— “I’m sick of this, man! I’m done! I don’t care! I’m done! Forget you! Forget the house. I’m out!” Boom! “Don’t give a shit, man. My keys. God damn it. My keys on the thing. Babe, let me get my keys on the top of the thing. I left my keys up on the top of the thing. Please.” I need my keys. I need my keys ’cause I got to get in my car. When I get in my car, I get my car on, step on the gas, make the tires burn out. Reason why I do that? Women, you can’t handle it. You break down after a while. Women, you can’t handle it. You break down after a while. “Oh my God, no. He’s gonna kill himself. No no. Don’t do it. Do the speed limit, please. No. Every time…” That’s my impression of women. Had to get out of there. Tell you another reason why I can’t storm out of the house correctly. My son always want to come. Can’t storm out with a kid. It take too long. A storm out’s gotta be fast. In and out. Boom boom, quick. My son be at the door. “Mm mm.” “No! No! Stay with your mother.” “No! No! Stay with your mother.” “Boy, God damn it, stay with your ma.” This is when women try to use kids as ammunition. “Look at you. You can’t even take your son with you. He want to go with his dad, but you can’t even take your son with you.” Now I can’t be a piece of shit. I’ve got to prove a point. I got to take him. I’ll tell you something, fellas, you look stupid when you try to keep your attitude and get a baby’s shit together. You look dumb. From experience, you look stupid. “I don’t give a shit. I’ll take him. Get the diaper bag. Put the sippy cup and shit in the bag. Get the diaper bag. Put the sippy cup and shit in the bag. Put the change of clothes and shit in the bag.” This is when I knew I looked stupid. When I did this with the diaper bag, “bitch, you think I give a fuck about you— Let me tell you something, you got another thing coming.” When I swung the diaper bag over my shoulder— “You got another goddamn thing coming if you think I give a shit.” It wasn’t good, man. This is me speaking the truth.

See, I can talk about relationships. I’ve been in one for years. I know relationships. I’ve been in one for years. I know relationships. I see a lot of couples here together. You guys don’t understand what you’re in. You don’t know how serious it is. I don’t mind seeing couples. I don’t like seeing new couples. I can’t stand new love. I hate it. That’s me being honest. It’s too much. I don’t like over love. You ever see those couples that go too far, that’s too much? You ever see a couple that’s newly in love try to share? You ever witness that? “Hey, babe. Hey. Babe. Hey, love button. Hey, love button. Hey, I got a little bit of juice left. You want some juice? Yeah? You wanna take a sip, I’ll take a sip, you take a sip? You want to do it like that? You wanna go ‘sip sip sip’ like that back and forth? Yeah? Go ahead. Take a sip. Ah. Give it to me. You do it. Same time. Do it. Your nose is in the way. No, your nose is in the way. I love you.” Too much. I fuckin’ hate it. I like older couples. I like older couples. I like couples that’s got time in, man. You know why? I like to see those couples argue. Couples with time in, small problems become big problems. If you’ve got time in, juice can become a problem. Let you go buy some juice and she’s with you while you buy the juice. You go outside, open up the juice, she asks for a sip. Bet money you lose your mind over that sip of juice. Bet money you snap. Soon as you get outside, “babe, let me get a sip.” “Uh, bitch, didn’t you just see me buy the juice when I was inside? “Uh, bitch, didn’t you just see me buy the juice when I was inside? So if you wanted some juice, why didn’t you ask for some juice? Now you want a sip of my juice, fuck around, take a double sip, I’m left with a little ass sip ’cause your over-thirsty ass want to take a double sip. No, get your own juice. Walk your fat ass inside, you sippin’-juice bastard. You wasn’t even thinking about juice.” That’ll be on your mind all day. Seven hours later, you’ll bring it back up. “A sip of my goddamn juice. You are something else, you know that? You are something else. You weren’t even thinking about the juice.” I got into an argument over mashed potatoes one time. We almost broke up. I’m very serious. You know what I don’t play? I don’t play that picking off my plate stuff, ladies. Don’t pick off my plate. I’m very serious. I don’t like it. In the beginning, men, we have to do it. The reason why? We’re still trying to impress you. So we go overboard. “Hey, you want a little piece? Yeah? You want me to cut it? Yeah, I’ll cut it. I’ll give you all this. I’ll just leave this little piece for myself. Yeah. No no no. I probably should eat the whole thing ’cause I’m a diabetic, but no, I just want you to be happy. Yeah. You should definitely drive home. I can’t see. It’s a little blurry.” We go overboard. I’m gonna tell you why I got mad. We’re at a restaurant getting ready to eat dinner. Her food comes out before mine. “You want me to wait?” I said, “no, eat your food. Mine’ll be out. Don’t worry about it.” She’s eating. I don’t ask for any of her food. “Enjoy your food, babe.” My food comes out. He says, “enjoy your meal.” I said, “thank you, sir.” I take my napkin, fop, put it on my lap. The reason I go fop, it’s big to me ’cause I’m small. The reason I go fop, it’s big to me ’cause I’m small. It takes up a lot of space. So I bow my head to say my grace. As I’m saying my grace, I hear a metal fork on my plate. “Uh, bitch, you can’t wait till I’m done talking to Jesus before you touch my goddamn plate?” You know how mad that made me? “Take the goddamn food, bitch!” I snapped. I get mad fast. Little shit pisses me off. Takes a lot of patience, man. Whole lot of patience to be in a relationship. I’m understanding that now. I’m understanding that in a relationship, I’m understanding that now. I’m understanding that in a relationship, things will change, people. Nothing stays great forever. Sex will change. In the beginning, it’s amazing. You know why? Men, we’re creative. We’re spontaneous. We’ve got a bunch of stuff we want you to do. “Come on, let’s do this. Let’s try this.” We’ve got a whole bunch of stuff. But after a while, fellas, we get repetitive. We start to do the same thing over and over again. Your lady will never tell you this. You got to be a real man. You got to check your ego to figure this out. I’m gonna tell you how you can tell if you’ve been doing the same stuff for years. She ever get into a position before you put her in it? She ever get into a position before you put her in it? Think about it. Just think about it a second. That’s how you can tell. That’s how they mess with you. You’ll be having sex, she’s like… “You want me to turn over, right? I knew it. Same thing since ’88. You ain’t changed.” She start answering questions before you ask ’em. “It’s yours.” “I ain’t say shit.” “You’re about to. You say the same thing every time my ass get up in the air. You’re about to come. Watch, here it come. You’re about to come. Watch, here it come. You came? I told you. High-five. What’d I tell you? I know my man. Give it to me. Up top.” Your dumb ass get up dancing. “You’re goddamn right. I tore that thing up.” No, you didn’t. No, you didn’t. It’s the same dumbass moves that you’ve been doing. I know I’m not good at sex anymore. I know it. No need for me to lie. We’ve been together too long. I’m not gonna lie. I’ve tried to rekindle this flame, people. I have. I tried to spice it up. Tried having phone sex and stuff, Tried having phone sex and stuff, but it’s hard for me. I’ve got too many people in my house. I got kids, I got a nanny. I got to call at the right time. I call one time, she picked up. I was like, “what you doin’? ” “Nothing. Laying down” I said, “why don’t you lick your finger and touch your nipple?” She said, “what?” I said, “shut up. Just do it.” Out of nowhere, all I heard was, “daddy, you want me to do mine too?” “Hello? Hello? Hello? Is that the baby on the phone? Well, what the hell is the baby doing on the goddamn phone?” Well, what the hell is the baby doing on the goddamn phone?” When I came home, it’s like, “daddy!” “Hey, no! No! Come here. That’s gay! Come here. Let me tell you something!” I didn’t know what to do. I did not know what to do. It’s a difficult time for me.

I’m gonna tell you something. I’m gonna tell you where all of my sex advice comes from. My grandpop. My grandpop gives me the best advice ever. I love my grandpop to death. I wish everybody could meet my grandpop. I love my grandpop to death. I wish everybody could meet my grandpop. If you’re lucky enough to have your grandparents in your life, and you wanna laugh— Listen to me. Shouts out to all y’all with grandparents. If you got a grandparent in your life and want to laugh, ask your grandpop— Just see what he say— Say, “grandpop, when’s the last time you had some ass?” Just to see— Just to see what he says. I promise you it’ll be the funniest shit you ever heard in your life. My grandpop never answered. He just said a bunch of stuff. This is not a joke. I said, “grandpop, when’s the last time you had some ass?” “Hey hey, look at me. “Hey hey, look at me. Okay? Hey hey. Hey. What’d I do? You know what I did. All right? Okay? Let me tell you something. I put that key in that door and locked that motherfucker, didn’t I? Hey. Okay? Hey. Gave her that goddamn ‘wha-whan,’ yes, I did. Yes, I did! Look at my eyes. Roll ’em.” “What? What does any of that mean? What did you just say? What did you say, grandpop?” I’m telling you, man, he’s funny. My grandpa’s one of those old down-south old men. When my grandpa cuss, he pronounce every letter in the cuss word. “Sh-ee-it-tt!” Like he’s serious. He’s serious old, man. Let me tell you. This is what he does every day. All my grandpop do every day— He just stand at the screen door and just complain and shit. He just fuss all day. “Look look look look look look look. “Look look look look look look look. Look look look at this. Somebody come look at this. Look at this. Somebody come look at this. Look at this. Goddamn cat drinking milk out the bowl. Get out the bowl! ” This is what makes me laugh. After he yell at somethin’, he stare at it for a long time. “Get out the bowl!” He was asleep. He fell asleep. I wish y’all could see him. Kids be teasin’ him. Kids are mean, man. Why are kids so mean? ’cause they know he can’t get out the screen door. They tease him. They come up to the door. They tease him. They come up to the door. Shit. He gets so mad. Have you ever seen an old person get real pissed off till they start making them noises? “What? What’d he say?” “He’s just angry. He’s an angry old man.” I saw my grandpop fall one time. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Took my grandpop 47 seconds to fall. Took my grandpop 47 seconds to fall. It took too long. It took way too long. It’s funny, but it’s not funny. I’m gonna show you exactly what I saw. This is how my grandpa fell. This is exactly what I saw. Ahh… I got tired of watching. I just kicked it. “Stop. Let go. I got tired of watching. I just kicked it. “Stop. Let go. Stop it. Stop it. It could have been over. You’ve not even got that far. Stop. It’s too much, grandpop.”

Watching people fall is funny. When was the last time you really fell? “Oh oh oh!” One of those. “Oh no no!” Hey, Shaq, when you fall during the games, it’s the funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Hey, you ever see his legs after he fall? Next time, look. I’m telling you, y’all. Next time you watch a game and he fall, this exactly what he do. Look, it’s always something stupid. He go up to get a rebound, he don’t get it. “Oh. No.” LeBron. This is LeBron. Look at him. LeBron. This is LeBron. Look at him. “God damn it, Shaq. Get your ass— Shit, man. Get up.” “I didn’t know. I didn’t know.” Okay, one more, one more. Shaq, this is how you fall frontwards. “Hey, no. Oh God, please.” Holy shit! Holy shit! Oh, y’all got to look at the coach’s face. Y’all don’t watch the right shit, man. This is Shaq falling and this is the coach. “Somebody help his ass up. LeBron, get him up!” “No no no. I pushed him too hard.” I told you I was gonna fuck with you. I’m gonna tell y’all, the fucked-up part about that joke? I fucked my knee up just now. That shit hurt. That shit hurt so goddamn bad. I tried to run it off. That shit locked up on me, didn’t it? That age is coming out. That shit hurt like hell. Talking about people falling. Talking about people falling. Tell you who else is funny to watch fall. Women, you don’t fall, you buckle. I like watching you guys buckle— That heel. Fop fop. I like that. That heel get hold of y’all. Fop fop real quick. Oh, that’s the funniest shit ever to me. Y’all don’t know how to play it off. Y’all don’t know— They don’t know what to do so they try to stay regular. It’s always on a cute night. “No, girl. They talkin’ ’bout— Tonight— No no, bitch. Please, get the— Get the heel. No, it’s slushy. Get the heel. No, it’s slushy. Get the heel. Get the heel back there, please.” Or y’all do— Or y’all do that shit— Or y’all do that shit where y’all miss a step. You ever see a girl miss a step? She don’t fall down the steps. Y’all ride ’em. “N-n-no.” Y’all do that right there? “N-n-no no no. N-n-no.” You ever notice there’s always a pervert guy to catch you? “N-n-no.” “I got you. God damn. I got you. Oh, damn it. God damn. You almost fell, didn’t you? You almost fell, didn’t you? I got you. No, I got you by your titties. That’s what I caught you by— Your titties. Jesus. I’ve never seen anybody fall like that. That was good. I caught her right there. Did you see how I caught her? Her titty was in my hand.” I’m joking around and making fun of people falling, old people and stuff, but I can do that. Know why? I have old people in my life that I’m close to. My road manager and I are very close. He’s older. He’s old. We fight a lot though. It’s kind of like a relationship. Been around me for years. He was with me before money even came into the picture. He’s the one scrambling up for me. When you’re around somebody for so long, naturally you start to butt heads. Little shit annoy you. I don’t like the way he sneezes. I don’t like it. I swear to God, when he sneeze, it’s a close call. I swear to God, when he sneeze, it’s a close call. You think he’s about to die. This is how he sneeze. I’m not bullshitting. It’s the scariest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. I’ve never seen nobody catch their breath from a sneeze. He’s old though, man. He does so much shit that pisses me off. I don’t like it when people are slow. He’s very slow. When you get in the car, how long does it take you to pull off? When you get in the car, how long does it take you to pull off? A couple seconds, right? Okay. It took him 25 minutes to pull off the other day. I’m dead serious. I can’t— I can’t tell you. I got to show you. But don’t make me laugh, okay? I’m gonna show you exactly what he did. Okay. I’m in the car. I’m in the passenger seat. I got my seatbelt on. I’m ready for him. All he’s got to do is get in, pull off. I’m gonna show you. Don’t make me laugh though. “All right. Let’s go. Okay. Oh. Oh no. Okay. Hey hey. Hey, Kevin. Hey, Kevin. Hey, Kevin. Hey. Hey hey, Kevin. Look where they at.” Now I don’t wanna laugh ’cause I wanna see what he’s gonna say about taking so long. This is exactly what he did. I’m not bullshitting. “Oh God. All right. All right, let’s go. All right. Got it. All right, got it. Got it. Got it. You ready? You ready to get on out of here?” You ready? You ready to get on out of here?” “What the f— Yes. I’m waiting on you. Come on.” This is the shit that pissed me off. He’s all, “let’s go. Gotcha gotcha gotcha.” What the fuck is this? “Why are you shooting at me? ” That shit made me so mad. Like “what the fuck? Don’t put your hands in my face. You’re being an asshole. Just drive, man. Don’t say shit to me. Just drive the car.” That is the only time I’ve ever cussed at Nate. He’d never got mad to the point where he’d cuss back. This is the first time he ever cussed back at me. I could tell how old he was by the way he cussed at me. I could tell how old he was by the way he cussed at me. “Let me tell you something, sucka. Hey! Listen, Jack, you ain’t nothing but a piece of cheese without the corners. In other words, you ain’t never gonna be a slice, bitch.” “What did you just say to me?” “You heard what the fuck I said.” Here’s the thing— I give Nate a lot of shit. I tease Nate a lot, okay? But at the end of the day, he’s got my back. I know he does. Nate’d take a bullet for me if he had to. How do I know this? It’s been confirmed. All right? We was in Dallas, Texas— We was in Dallas, Texas— Me, Nate, my boy Harry, Wayne, spank— My lady was with me. We having a good time. We do a show, we’re at the after party. We gettin’ it in. * Mmm mmm * * Get money, mmm mmm * * Get money. * We gettin’ it in, right? I look up, the owner of the club, he got my lady by the arm, her girlfriend by the other arm, he’s throwing them out. I saw it happen, but I acted like I didn’t ’cause I didn’t want to be a part of it. I didn’t want to be involved. My boy Wayne was like, “yo, he got your girl by the arm.” “What? Chill. Don’t nobody do shit. I got it.” “What? Chill. Don’t nobody do shit. I got it.” I run up to him. I say, “don’t put your hands on my lady, man.” I pushed him. He didn’t go back that far, but it was a good push for me. It was all I had. When I did it, he was like, “security!” Security came up, grabbed me, put me in a full-Nelson. Now you know how you think you making somebody struggle? You think you give ’em a hard way to go? I thought I was, but I wasn’t. I was just moving my face. I was like… So now in my mind, I’m like, “where is Wayne at?” That’s my security guard. That’s who I pay for shit like this not to happen. On cue, Wayne and my boy spank come running up, On cue, Wayne and my boy spank come running up, they grab the security guards. They’re like, “get off him. Let him go.” Now I hear ’em. I’m still in a full-Nelson, but I hear my friends so I feel better. I know I’m safe now. But before they let me go, the owner mushes me! He puts his hand on my face. “I said get the fuck outta here.” Mushed me. I never had nobody put their hand on my face. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to get it off. I panicked. I panicked. I licked his palm. I licked the shit out of his palm. “Get your hands… Off my face.” He was like… He was like… Then they let me go. Now I’m free, but I’m not leaving ’cause I don’t want him to think I’m a bitch. So I run back up to him. “Yo, man, don’t put your hands on my face. You don’t know me like that.” As I’m talking to him, I’m like, “oh shit, he’s in a fighting stance. Kev, he about to hit you. Protect yourself. Better yet, hit him first.” I throw a punch. Punched him right in the face. Bow! Never hit nobody in the face before. I was excited. I celebrated. I was like, “yeah, bitch. You don’t want it. Real niggas. All day. D-block. All day. By myself. Gun on my waist. By myself. Gun on my waist. Smile on my face. In jail. One bed. One blanket. You wanna go night night, nigga? You wanna go night night, nigga?” So now he tries to tackle me. As I’m in my speech, he tackles me. Why would you tackle me? I’m small. I got a low center of gravity. I get him off me. I start uppercutting him. Mmm mmm mmm. Whipping his ass. He realizes that he’s losing. He tries to call his security guard back. “Thomas, Thomas, come help.” I look over. Wayne, my security guard— Wayne got a real big stomach. Wayne had Thomas on the wall. Wayne got a real big stomach. Wayne had Thomas on the wall. When I looked over, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAW: Wayne was like, “what you doin’? Where you goin’? No, what you doin’? Where you gonna go? What you doin’?” It didn’t look good. I didn’t know if he was helping me or helping his self. I never brought it back up. I didn’t want to know. So now reality has kicked in. “Oh shit, I’m in Dallas, Texas. If I get arrested out here, I’m not getting out of jail till, like, Tuesday.” I’m like, “yo, let’s go. Get the car. Nate, get the car! Let’s go!” This is how I knew Nate was O.G. This is how I knew Nate was O.G. Nate got the car, pulled the car up on the curb, blocked the whole curb off, right? I’ve never seen Nate this hype in my life. He was hype as shit. He’s like, “hey! Get Kev in the car! Hurry up, man! Hurry up before the cops come. Somebody grab his head, push his head down so they don’t see him.” When he said that, I was like, “oh shit. Nate used to be a killer. How else would he know what to do in a situation like this? I don’t even know who he is anymore.” Then he snaps on me. “I can’t believe you, Kevin. You got a career! You doin’ television, you doin’ movies. You gonna jeopardize that shit for a street fight? You gonna jeopardize that shit for a street fight? That’s stupid! Let’s go! Hurry up, man! Hurry up ‘fore the cops come. We don’t have time. Y’all wanna do what y’all wanna do. We got to get the hell out of here. We don’t have this type of time.” We never pulled off. We got locked up on the spot. Cleveland, I love y’all. My name’s Kev Hart. Thank you.

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