Home COMEDY BO BURNHAM BO BURNHAM: MAKE HAPPY (2016) – Full Transcript

BO BURNHAM: MAKE HAPPY (2016) – Full Transcript

Bo Burnham tackles life, death, sexuality, hypocrisy, mental illness and Pringles cans in his dazzling new stand-up special

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Bo Burnham - Make Happy (2016)

[woman on TV] That has been, really, a difficult thing for me. My mother has always been a very difficult person all her life. Very unhappy. I can never remember my mother being happy. [inhales deeply] And as she gets older, however she was as a young person, I find it’s just now exaggerated and, uh… so, she’s, uh, 83 and now very extremely negative, very extremely unhappy, and, uh… that has been hard for me… -[classical music playing] -[audience cheering and applauding] [woman]

Hello, audience. Thank you for coming. You are here because you want to laugh… and you want to forget about your problems. But I cannot allow it. You should not laugh. You should not forget about your problems. The world is not funny. -We are all dying. -[audience laughing] The world is not funny. Twelve percent of the world’s population does not have access to clean drinking water. The world is not funny. Guy Fieri owns two functioning restaurants. -[audience laughing and applauding] -The world is not funny. So then… now that we understand the context, now that we realize how terribly unfunny the world is… let’s do this. -[organ music playing] -[audience cheering and applauding] [man] Entertainers are not here to help you. They are here to control you. -[audience continues cheering] -Never listen to them. Never give them what they want. And most importantly, never make some fucking noise! [audience cheers loudly]

[hip-hop music playing] [audience continues cheering] -[bell dings] -[rapping] ♪ Ladies! ♪ ♪ Ladies, if you feel me Say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [all women] Hell, yeah! ♪ Fellas! Come on, fellas If you feel me, say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [all men] Hell, yeah! ♪ Virgins, if you haven’t felt a person Say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! ♪ If you can divide by zero Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! -No, you can’t. -[audience laughing] Mathematically impossible. Listen. Don’t be Pavlovian. I’m looking for actual answers here. Trying to gather information. Let’s go. ♪ If you like drinking booze Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! ♪ If you like smoking weed Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! -Gotcha. Get these motherfuckers. -[police siren wailing] [officer 1] Get down on the ground! Get down on the ground! [Bo] Pot is ruining America. [officer 1] Where’s the weed? Where’s the weed? [officer 2] Yeah, we got a room full of potheads. We’re gonna need backup. Over. Psych! ♪ If you don’t give a fuck About the law ♪ ♪ Let me hear you say “Fuck the police” ♪ [audience] Fuck the police. ♪ If that seems oversimplified to you Let me hear you say ♪ ♪ “It’s a really tough job And they’re doing their best” ♪ ♪ If you know nothing about the conflict Between Israel and Palestine ♪ ♪ And thus feel super uncomfortable ♪ ♪ Weighing in on it Til you’ve read about it ♪ ♪ Let me hear you say “No comment” ♪ [audience] No comment! Good call. I have no idea what’s going on over there. What are they fighting about? They have similar hats. ♪ If you want to start the show ♪ ♪ Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah” Come on ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! ♪ If my name’s Bo… ♪ -Whoops. -[audience laughing] I think you’re done with this call and response shit. That’s what I thought. If you want me to get introspective, -let’s get introspective. -[soft music playing] [singing] ♪ I can’t wrap my mind around Exactly why I’m here ♪ ♪ I know you paid money I should be funny ♪ ♪ Other than that Don’t know why I’m here ♪ ♪ To make you laugh, right? That’s only half-right ♪ ♪ Look at the world I don’t know why I’m here ♪ ♪ All this laughter can’t Feed starving Africans ♪ ♪ I just hope I don’t Get more from this than you do ♪ ♪ I would love to tell you That everything is fine ♪ ♪ You wanna be happy ♪ ♪ Well, get in line ♪ [rapping] ♪ Yeah, this is almost Musically incoherent at this point ♪ ♪ Y’all ain’t never seen a comedy show Like this in your fucking life ♪ ♪ And for good reason ♪ -♪ It gets old after a few minutes ♪ -[audience laughing] ♪ You’ll see ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Let’s get this show going ♪ ♪ Let’s get this show started Okay ♪ ♪ One, two, three, four ♪ -[music stops]

-So I was at the dentist the other day… -[audience laughing and cheering] -Yeah. [audience applauding] And nothing funny happened, so I was like, “Don’t mention that on stage.” I already fucked it up. -No, you fucking don’t. -[audience laughing] You do not. Haters gonna hate, lovers gonna love. You need to reject both sides of the spectrum -to leave a… healthy middle. -[audience laughs] Stop participating. Not a participatory thing going on up here. Trying to immortalize something I’ve worked on for a long time. Shut up! [chuckles] I have not… made my mind up about… masturbation. It’s weird and I’m torn. You know, ’cause on one hand, it feels good. [audience laughing and cheering] [applauding] [cheering] Did you not think I was gonna use it, idiots? -[audience laughing] -It’s not a prop. It will be used intermittently.

Guys… I’ve got a lot of problems in my life. I wrote a song about some of the problems in my life. I hope that some of you can relate to it. Here we go. [playing slow song] ♪ Walking around I got no one to talk to ♪ ♪ There’s everyone ♪ ♪ And then there’s just me ♪ ♪ If I could change Don’t you think that I’d do it ♪ ♪ God only knows Why he cursed me to be ♪ ♪ A straight white man ♪ [audience laughing] ♪ I state my problems ♪ ♪ Other people roll their eyes ♪ ♪ Three trips to the mall ♪ ♪ Zero khakis in my size ♪ ♪ I’ve never been the victim Of a random search for drugs ♪ ♪ But you can’t say My life is easy ♪ ♪ Until you’ve walked a mile in my Uggs ♪ [breath trembling] [audience laughing] ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The gays want kids ♪ -What? -[audience laughing] ♪ Can’t you just leave us alone? ♪ ♪ And also “No” to the things you asked for ♪ They’re being greedy and they know it, okay? [mock sobs] ♪ Everyone thinks that I’ve got it easy ♪ ♪ And just ’cause it’s true ♪ ♪ Doesn’t mean that it’s right ♪ ♪ So pull up a chair ♪ ♪ And put down your pitchforks ♪ ♪ Give me a chance ♪ ♪ To show you what it is like ♪ ♪ To be a straight white man ♪ ♪ The churches never made me Feel ashamed of who I am ♪ ♪ But I get emails from Zappos That Gmail doesn’t mark as spam ♪ ♪ My country’s constitution Was handwritten by my race ♪ ♪ But my wife bought me The brand new iPhone ♪ ♪ With an iPod Touch’s case ♪ [voice breaking] Case doesn’t fit that phone. [audience laughing] ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The blacks want Not to be called “the blacks” ♪ Sorry. ♪ Can’t you just leave us alone? ♪ ♪ Also, “no” to the things you asked for ♪ ♪ No ♪ ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The African Amer– ♪ It doesn’t work with the rhythm. [audience laughs] ♪ We used to have all the money and land ♪ ♪ And we still do But it’s not as fun now ♪ [audience cheering and applauding]

-[softly] Thank you. -[audience cheering and applauding] If you were offended by that, it was ironic. Isn’t that fun? I meant the whole opposite of it. White guys, it’s easy to be a white guy. Yeah, white guy, we deserve a… cheer once in a while. Very easy to be a white guy. Very easy. But white guys get a lot of shit and it’s not fair, ’cause we’ve done a lot of things, you know? We invented a lot of stuff. White guys invented everything but peanut butter, I believe. That’s what I was taught in school. Everything but peanut butter. Doesn’t sound right, but the American educational system having a racial bias? No way, Joseph. Guys, white… white people are a little uncomfortable. We’ll do a racial joke about the white people so you don’t feel uncomfortable. White people, we like the same foods. Favorite sandwich, peanut butter and… -[audience] Jelly! -…jelly. -Macaroni and… -[audience] Cheese! Our favorite chips, salt and vi… -[audience] …negar! -Wow! -[audience laughing] -Who said it? Get the cameras on them. Your grandkids are gonna see this, know what a bigot their grandfather or grandmother were. Every non-white person, see who said that, find them after the show. Put the lights down. Their faces creep me out. [audience laughing] Guys, I’m not “perfect,” okay? I don’t “use air quotes correctly,” all right? But I am against double standards across the board. Why is it… that when a woman wears revealing clothing, she’s labeled a slut, yet if I were to wear her skin as a jacket, I’m a murderer? -What? -[audience laughing] If I fuck a kid, I’m a pedophile, but if a kid fucks me, I’m the pedophile again? Twice in a week? What is this? -[upbeat music playing] -[man] Hey, Bo. Do you want to sing a song with us? -Okay. -Great! -I don’t know the words, though. -That’s all right. -You’ll figure it out. -All right! -Whoo! -♪ Hey, Bo, guess what? ♪ -What? -♪ You’re a faggot ♪ -[music stops] -[audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] Wasn’t clever, it was just mean. Bigoted. I apologize for that. So I was interrupted the other day while my– -[man] Hey, Bo. -Motherfucker. -You want to sing another song together? -I really don’t. -Too bad. -God damn it. ♪ Hey, Bo, guess what? ♪ -I’m a faggot. -Correct! It’s not funny. ♪ You’re a faggot, you’re a faggot You’re a fucking faggot ♪ ♪ You’re a faggot, you’re a fucking… ♪ Can you turn the lights off at least? ♪ You’re a faggot, you’re a faggot You’re a fucking faggot… ♪ Is this funny to you people? Turn it off. Turn the track off! -[record scratches] -[music stops] -Why was it on a record player? -[audience laughing] You got a record player back there? You have hooked up a record player? You know, it’s one thing to make that, but to press it onto vinyl is a whole other thing, all right? -It’s gonna outlive me. -[audience applauding] Just to be clear, I wrote, conceived and executed the entirety of that bit. -Do not give those dumb fucks any credit. -[audience laughing] It’s all me, baby. All me. Look at you people in the Abe Lincoln seats. Bam! Too late. Too late. How dare you make that joke so late?

I’m a big fan of hip-hop. ‘Cause I like words. I like poetry. And hip-hop feels like a way to condense a lot of those things into a short amount of time. There are artists that still do that. Uh… Yeah, Kendrick Lamar, very word-heavy, very poetic. But– -[audience cheers] -What are you doing? Look, this is my show. Do not veer credit to people outside this building. -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] Most… [chuckles] most… Hip-hop artists, for me, and it is for me, hip-hop, has traded in words and poetry for beat fetishism. It’s where you make a sick beat and then you rap anything over it. And people lose their minds. I’ll give you an example. Is there a sick beat back there for me? -[hip-hop beat playing] -Oh, shit! [rapping] ♪ I am not one of you ♪ ♪ I am not a human being ♪ ♪ You know what I am? ♪ ♪ I’m a little teapot Short and stout ♪ ♪ Here is my handle Here is my spout ♪ ♪ When I get all steamed up Then I shout ♪ ♪ Sing it Tip me over and… ♪ -[audience] Pour me out! -Let’s go. [man] ♪ Pour me out Pour me out ♪ ♪ Tip me over And pour me out ♪ ♪ Nigga, pour me out ♪ ♪ Pour me out ♪ -♪ Tip me over and pour me out ♪ -Okay. ♪ Baa, baa, black sheep Have you any wool? ♪ ♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full ♪ ♪ One for the master, one for the dame ♪ ♪ One for the little boy That’s livin’ down the lane ♪ -♪ Baa ♪ -[man] ♪ Lives down the lane ♪ -♪ Whoo! ♪ -♪ Lives down the lane ♪ Why is there a young boy living alone down the lane? -Who signed this boy’s lease? -[audience laughing] Am I the only one concerned for this little boy? Two examples is enough. -[music stops]

-Okay, thank you. [audience cheering and applauding] A lesser comedian would have milked that for four verses. And a better comedian wouldn’t have done it all. [chuckles] I’m right in the sweet spot. These, uh… These cannons cost $200, just for that joke. I could give that money to a homeless person, make their day, and I don’t do that very often. That is my first decision every morning. Not today. Nah. I’ll do that tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and it’s still today. Tomorrow’s a relative term. We’re not getting there. Makes Annie more depressing. [audience laughing and cheering] [woman cheers] -Fuck you. -[audience laughing] You don’t know where I’m going. Don’t act like it. You are not ahead of me. I will retain the element of surprise. [exclaims] I’m trying to work on my improv. My show is very planned, uh, to the word. -You know, to the gesture. -[spring sound effect] And I’m trying to break out of that. I want to make something brand new for every show, that only a few people get to experience.

-What’s your name, man? -Rob. Rob? All right. I’m gonna try to make up a song about Rob… [chuckles] off the top of my head. This might not work. Um, it’s just… It’s to keep me sharp, trying to… I’m stalling, trying to think of rhymes for Rob. It’s not fair. Okay. Song about Rob. Hit the track. [upbeat music playing] Fuck. [man] ♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ ♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ Bo, I heard you had sex with older woman last night. I did. -What’s her son’s name? -Rob, he’s right there. -I fucked his mother. -♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ ♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ ♪ I fucked her for an hour Then left when I was done ♪ ♪ ‘Cause fucking is her game And Rob is her son ♪ -[music stops] -Did we plan that? We did not plan that. -[audience cheering and applauding] -How does he do it? How does he pretend to do it? How does he remain contrived? I’m not… I’m not honest for a second up here! Honesty is for the birds, baby. You want an honest comedian, go see the rest of them, all right? “This thing actually happened.”

-Cool. -[audience laughing] [man in audience] Whoo! [Bo] Boy, oh, boy. Any big fans of country music out there? -[audience cheering] -Yeah. Ooh, some people extending my name. “Boo,” that’s also approval. -Uh, I think… -[audience laughing] I think country music… gets a bad rep. You know, why is it that when Bruce Springsteen sings about a fucking turnpike it is art, and then when someone sings about a horse, it’s dumb inherently? I don’t think… [scoffs] I think some of the greatest songwriters of all time are country artists. Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson… You know? And if you’re writing honestly, that is art. And I would never bash that. Um, the problem is… with a lot of modern country music, what is called stadium country music, the sort of Keith Urban brand of country music, is that it is not honest. -It is the exact opposite of honest. -[country music playing] Where instead of people actually telling their stories, you got a bunch of millionaire metrosexuals who’ve never done a hard day’s work in their life, but they figured out the words and the phrases they can use to pander to their audience, and they list the same words and phrases off, sort of mad-lib style in every song, raking in millions of dollars from actual working-class people. You know the words. You know the phrases. Phrases like… ♪ A dirt road, a cold beer ♪ ♪ A blue jeans, a red pickup ♪ ♪ A rural noun, simple adjective ♪ [audience laughing] ♪ No shoes, no shirt ♪ ♪ No Jews You didn’t hear that ♪ [audience laughing] Sort of a mental typo. ♪ I walk and talk like a field hand ♪ ♪ But the boots I’m wearing Cost three grand ♪ ♪ I write songs about riding tractors ♪ ♪ From the comfort of a private jet ♪ ♪ I could sing in Mandarin ♪ ♪ You’d still know I’m pandering ♪ ♪ Hunting deer, chasing trout ♪ ♪ A Bud Light with the logo facing out ♪ ♪ Hear that subtle mandolin ♪ ♪ That’s textbook pandering ♪ ♪ I own a private ranch That I rarely use ♪ I don’t like dirt. One verse, one chorus in the bag. Now it’s time to talk to the ladies. I’m hoping my Southern charm offsets all these rape-y vibes I’m putting out. ♪ Good girl in a straw hat ♪ ♪ With her arms out in a cornfield ♪ ♪ That is a scarecrow ♪ Thought it was a human woman. Sorry. ♪ A cold night, a cold beer ♪ ♪ A cold jeans Strike that last one ♪ ♪ I’m wanting you I hope you’re feeling me ♪ Subtextually. ♪ We go to bed You doze off ♪ ♪ So I take your country girl Clothes off ♪ ♪ I put my hands on your body ♪ ♪ It feels like hay It’s a fucking scarecrow again ♪ ♪ Like Mike’s Evander-ing ♪ ♪ Fuck your ears, I’m pandering ♪ ♪ I write songs for the people who do ♪ ♪ Jobs in the towns That I’d never move to ♪ ♪ Legalize gerrymandering ♪ ♪ Tolerate my pandering ♪ ♪ You got a beautiful mouth ♪ ♪ I got a beautiful… ♪ Y’all dumb motherfuckers want a key change? ♪ Thematically meandering ♪ ♪ Emphatically pandering ♪ ♪ I got a tight grip on my demo’s balls ♪ ♪ Say the word “truck” They jizz in their overalls ♪ ♪ You don’t know what land you’re in ♪ ♪ I’m in the land of pandering ♪ ♪ And I’ll be upfront ♪ ♪ I do what I do ‘Cause I’m a total fucking country boy ♪ -[audience cheering] -[music stops] -You know, like, that genre. -[audience laughing] They’re lying to you. That’s all. They’re lying… Entertainers, they are lying and they are manipulating you. And it’s not in a good way. It’s like advertising. You deserve better. I’m not saying I’m it, but I’m the guy that says you deserve better. You go get better. You say, “Thank you, weird man. Bye.” Anyone watch celebrity lip-syncing on The Tonight Show, you know? -[audience cheering] -It’s the end of culture. Culture’s over, everybody. We lost. This is entertainment. How is this entertainment? People we’ve seen too much of mouthing along to songs we’ve heard too much of. And this the bread and butter of American television. And it’s always one of two things on celebrity lip-syncing. It’s either a male celebrity lip-syncing to a woman’s song… [laughs] “But he’s not…” Or it’s a rich, young white actress ironically lip-syncing to a hip-hop song. [laughs] [rapping] ♪ Fuck the police Coming straight from the underground ♪ Can you believe this song was once an honest articulation of class struggle? [laughs] Fuck these people. How dare they think that them fucking around is worthy of your attention? Them playing Pictionary? Your attention’s a valuable thing. I worked for three years to get it for an hour. And I barely get there. [silence] -See? -[audience laughing] [exhales] I saw a gorgeous… dick. I was in the public restroom. Some guys might be like me. I cannot use a urinal when there’s a guy beside me. I freeze up. So I have to use the stalls. In this case, all the stalls were taken. I had to use a urinal. There was a guy beside me. I took a little look. You’re not picturing this. All right. [dramatic music playing] -[angelic vocalization] -[audience laughing] The bit is over. I’m not talking into his dick now. I didn’t rip off his dick. And I’m now not talking into a severed dick. The show is a series of discrete bits. That one’s over. God, if you don’t get that… -[pounds piano keys] -[blows raspberry] Reset the momentum. I cannot be coasting off the inertia of past jokes. -[playing slow song] -[audience laughing] Need to earn it. Every bit should come out of a vacuum, eh? We all want love. How many single ladies out there looking for love tonight? [women in audience] Whoo! -Yeah. “Whoo” that sadness out. -[audience laughing] There’s more where that came from. Ladies, I know what you want. Want. Want. ♪ You want a guy that’s sweet A guy that’s tough ♪ ♪ A feminist who likes to pay for stuff ♪ ♪ The kinda guy that gets Along with your friends ♪ ♪ Without being attracted to any of them ♪ ♪ A good boy, a bad boy, a good bad boy ♪ ♪ A half-good, half-bad half-boy ♪ ♪ Loves your brother Sensitive but not weak ♪ ♪ And is a great lover Calls your mother on the weekend ♪ ♪ Though you might think That this guy only exists in your mind ♪ ♪ But guess what? ♪ ♪ You’re right ♪ ♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Lower your expectations a few ♪ ♪ Because Prince Charming Would never settle for you ♪ ♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Just pick a guy and love him ♪ ♪ And if he’s got a thing for feet ♪ ♪ Say fuck it, sweep me off them ♪ Now… the good thing is that, uh… At least men have very realistic expectations for women… he said, sarcastically setting up a second verse in a comedy song. ♪ You want a girl that’s nice A girl that’s not ♪ ♪ Obsessed with her looks But is insanely hot ♪ ♪ The kind of girl that you can Show to your folks ♪ ♪ Loves the movies that you like And always laughs at your jokes ♪ ♪ A real girl, a hot girl, A really hot girl ♪ ♪ A brand new really hot real doll ♪ ♪ Wants to impress you Doesn’t care if you notice ♪ ♪ And only ever uses you To tickle her throat with ♪ ♪ Though you might think that this girl Only exists in your mind ♪ ♪ But she’s real But last week, she died ♪ ♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Lower your expectations a lot ♪ ♪ You might think your dick is a gift I promise it’s not ♪ -[women in audience cheering] -♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Just pick a girl and love her ♪ ♪ Then whip out your dick and Let the girl you love decline the offer ♪ ♪ I don’t want a neat freak I don’t want a slob ♪ ♪ Somebody with bedhead And a dead-end job ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I won’t settle for less ♪ ♪ Than perfect ♪ ♪ We want perfect children A perfect life ♪ ♪ Perfect husband or a perfect wife ♪ ♪ But deep down, we know ♪ ♪ We don’t deserve it ♪ [audience laughing] ♪ But ♪ ♪ We all deserve love ♪ ♪ Even on the days When we aren’t our best ♪ ♪ ‘Cause we all suck ♪ ♪ But love can make us suck less ♪ ♪ We all deserve love ♪ ♪ It’s the very best part of being alive ♪ ♪ And I would know I just turned 25 ♪ [audience cheering] That’s young. [dramatic music playing] -[farts] -[audience laughing and applauding] Original does not mean good. Anyone can do anything. Don’t let me off the hook too easy. ♪ War, huh, good God, y’all ♪ ♪ What is it good for? ♪ ♪ Increasing domestic manufacturing ♪

-All right. Uh… -[audience cheering] I don’t want to get political ’cause I only know my own ideas of other people’s ideas. We just played in Alabama. They just like the lights. -I didn’t even need to do jokes. -[audience laughing] “Motherfucker’s got moving candles.” No, not quite. [clicks tongue] Alabama was actually nice. You’re elitist pricks. -[audience cheering] -Isn’t that fun? [scoffs] -[audience laughing] -Yeah, you like that. -[dramatic music playing] -[man] And now… what making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like when you’re high on marijuana. [suspenseful music playing] [inaudible] -[music stops] -[audience cheering and applauding] [dramatic music playing] [man] And now… what making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like… when you’re shit-faced. [slow rock music plays] [inaudible] -[music stops, door opens] -[woman] Hey, baby, I’m home. -[door closes] -[keys jangling] -Honey, you okay? What’s wrong? -[inaudible] [stutters] Are you drunk? Have you been… You’ve been drinking, haven’t you? You’ve been fuck… You’re fucking wasted, aren’t… -[inaudible] -I can’t hear you. Speak into the microphone. I’m not. [woman] What’s behind your back? What’re you holding behind your back? -Itching. -Just… -Just don’t be– -Itchy back. What is… what’re you hiding behind your back? Just show me. It’s a jar of peanut butter, all right? Sue me. [woman] That’s mayonnaise. That is a jar of mayonnaise. That is not peanut butter. Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise? Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise? I’m not holding a jar of mayonnaise. -Touché, bitch. -You know what? I am fucking done with this shit, okay? I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. -I had to be at work at 6:00. -[plays piano keys] I had an exhausting day. I just wanna come home, unwind, relax, and I come home to a mess that I have to clean up– -[stutters] I’ll clean it up. -No, no! I will have to clean it up. Because you’ll make it worse if you try to, okay? -Yeah. -You know what? I’m fucking done with this. -Are you? -You are so immature. -She’s done. -I cannot leave you alone without you getting shit-faced. This is what I deal with Monday through… -Monday. -Who are you talking to right now? You just gestured to the sink. -What does that mean? -There’s an audience full of people. Okay, you know what? This bit is getting a little too weird and meta. Okay, we’re done with it. I agree. Where’s that going? Sometimes you don’t write an end to a bit, so you skip it. Before they know it, you’re on to the next thing. Guys, I was at the store recently. -[scattered cheers] -And, uh, no, I will save you time. I bought something. -[audience cheering] -No, no, no, no. No. Sit in silence. Do you guys know what continuity errors are? It’s where in one shot something’s one way, in another shot it’s another way. You know those things? -Anyway… -[audience laughing] [man] This comedy performance is brought to you in part by… -Sorry about this. -…Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. -[rock music playing] -[man] ♪ Flamin’ Hot Cheetos ♪ ♪ They’re like regular Cheetos But they’re flamin’ hot ♪ ♪ Normal Cheetos are for pussies ♪ ♪ But Flamin’ Cheetos are not ♪ ♪ For pussies, that is ♪ They’re not sponsoring me. I’m just trying to get them to. -[audience laughing and applauding] -They’re not returning my calls. Evasively cheesy is more like it. Mmm. Label-less water. Nothing tastes better than not getting sued. I, uh… I don’t love my fans. I have to be… I don’t. You don’t want that… You don’t want that desperate, sort of cloying thing from an entertainer. “My fans, oh, they stick with me through everything, through thick and thin.” Do not stick with me through thick. If I stop entertaining you, throw me to the curb. You wouldn’t stick with your mechanic if he stopped fixing your car. I’m in a service industry. I’m just overpaid, okay? [audience laughing] And a lot of… I feel a lot of artists, pop artists especially, sort of infringe upon… responsibilities that just aren’t theirs, in terms of their audience, maintaining their audience at an emotional level. Some of you might be sad and going through things. I feel for that. Life is tough. I’m not gonna fix that with a song. Like “Brave” or “Roar.” You know these inspirational… What I’m trying to say… is don’t listen to a song… like this. -[playing upbeat song] -♪ Have you ever felt sad or lonely? ♪ ♪ Have you even felt two feet tall? ♪ ♪ Have you ever thought ♪ ♪ “Man, if only I was anybody else at all”? ♪ ♪ They like to kick you When times get rough ♪ ♪ Then you give your all But it’s not enough ♪ ♪ And sticks and stones Might break your bones ♪ ♪ But words can break your heart ♪ ♪ But if you don’t know where to go ♪ ♪ I’ll show you where to start ♪ -♪ Kill yourself ♪ -[audience laughing] ♪ It will only take a minute And you’ll be happy that you did it ♪ ♪ Just go over to your oven And shove your head in it ♪ ♪ Kill yourself ♪ ♪ Really, you should do it There’s really nothing to it ♪ ♪ Just grab a mug And chug a cup of lighter fluid ♪ -Okay. Now… -[audience laughing] -I feel like you pulled back. -[audience laughing] Maybe it’s on account of the fact that I’m telling you to kill yourself over and over again. I’m just trying to make a simple point. That these… That life’s toughest problems don’t have simple answers. You shouldn’t just be brave. You shouldn’t just roar. You shouldn’t kill yourself. But I understand that… it’s a sensitive subject and you’re probably just hearing me say that. And I’ve dealt with… I don’t want to be… Look. ♪ I sound un-empathetic ♪ ♪ I sound mean and rude ♪ ♪ Suicide is an epidemic ♪ ♪ And I don’t want to be misconstrued ♪ ♪ Signs of depression go overlooked ♪ ♪ So if you’re depressed ♪ ♪ Then you need to book A therapy session ♪ ♪ Talk about your depression ♪ ♪ And let a professional hear it ♪ ♪ But if you search for moral wisdom ♪ ♪ In Katy Perry’s lyrics, then ♪ -♪ Kill yourself ♪ -[audience cheering] ♪ It won’t be painful If you are able ♪ ♪ To give a little kiss To an oncoming train ♪ ♪ You’ll kill yourself ♪ ♪ It’s over, mull it ♪ ♪ There’s a trigger, pull it ♪ ♪ Get it through your head “It” being a bullet ♪ ♪ Stick your tongue in a plug ♪ ♪ Suck a pipe of exhaust ♪ ♪ Make some toast in the tub ♪ ♪ Nail yourself to a cross ♪ ♪ Hold your breath ’til it’s gone ♪ ♪ Drink a gallon of Mace ♪ ♪ Be gay in Iran ♪ -♪ Let Oprah sit on your face ♪ -[audience laughing] ♪ Jump off of a bridge ♪ ♪ Skinny dip in a flood ♪ ♪ Skydive attached to a fridge ♪ ♪ Drink a Haitian guy’s blood ♪ ♪ Break into the zoo ♪ ♪ Give the tiger a shove ♪ ♪ Eat a Phillips-head screw ♪ -♪ Marry Courtney Love ♪ -[audience laughing and cheering] Sorry. -Don’t kill yourself. -[audience laughing] I don’t like explaining jokes that… The joke where I tell everyone to kill themselves -might deserve an explanation. Do not! -[audience laughing] And if you’re offended, do not write a blog. I apologize immediately. Sorry! Right away! -[woman shouts indistinctly] -[man] Whoo! What’s that, ma’am? What did you say? This is your moment. Who said it? [audience laughing] Do not objectify me, okay? You think it’s okay just ’cause I’m a dude? You think it’s okay ’cause he’s a dude? That is homophobia. Just the fact that you find it funny. “Ooh, a guy said take off your pants. That’s not God’s way.” [laughs mockingly] Jesus Christ, you bigots. I, uh… Show’s been pretty rock and roll so far. You know, I know it. -And I… -[audience cheering] I’d love to keep it going, but life is not always rock and roll. I’m not gonna keep life out of my show. I went through a pretty rough… [chuckles] uh, breakup recently. It was a long time coming. Uh, we had a lot of conversations about it, she and I. But recently we had the conversation… It wasn’t recent, but I remember it like it was yesterday, you know? -[piano playing] -She came out of the shower, her hair wet, her shoulders wet. -It was a shower. It’s water. -[audience laughing] She turned to me and she said it… She said… [singing] ♪ It’s over ♪ ♪ We shouldn’t fight to stay together Just to fight again ♪ ♪ It’s over We’re unhappy ♪ ♪ We need to take a break From us to make us right again ♪ ♪ And even though it’s not gonna go Any further ♪ ♪ I swear I don’t regret a second of it ♪ ♪ And when the dust has settled ♪ ♪ I hope we can still be friends ♪ Then I said… -[rapping] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ -[hip-hop music playing] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ ♪ Eat a fucking dick, like this ♪ ♪ Put on your dick-eating gloves ♪ ♪ Get ready to gobble a dick up ♪ ♪ If you don’t like this dick sitch ♪ ♪ Eat a dick, bitch ♪ -[piano playing] -[audience cheering and applauding] I think I made the right decision. [singing] ♪ Okay, you’re angry ♪ ♪ I can see that ♪ ♪ But you don’t need to make this harder Than it has to be ♪ ♪ I try to speak to you ♪ ♪ But you won’t listen– ♪ [rapping] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ [singing] ♪ Hold on Please just let me– ♪ [rapping] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ Oh, my God. [singing] ♪ Honestly, are you fucking five? ♪ ♪ I am trying to talk this out ♪ ♪ You refuse to even listen to me ♪ [stutters] I’m saying how I’m feeling, okay? And then you’re saying… “eat a dick” over and over again. Does that seem mature to you? [rapping] ♪ No, it doesn’t But see, I think the issue is ♪ ♪ I’ve got my father’s temper ♪ ♪ And I’m emotionally inarticulate ♪ ♪ So rather than being honest And vulnerable ♪ ♪ I did a quick switch Because I’m hurting inside ♪ ♪ And I’m trying to hide it So eat a dick, man ♪ [sobbing] [voice breaking] I thought we had a future together, you fucking whore. [singing] ♪ I didn’t think You’d cry for me ♪ ♪ I didn’t think you cared ♪ ♪ I thought you were Lashing out in anger ♪ ♪ But now I see you’re scared ♪ ♪ I’m scared, too ♪ ♪ Maybe we can work this out ♪ ♪ And not break up ♪ [gasps] Really? [rapping] ♪ No, lick my clit ♪ ♪ Lick my motherfucking clit ♪ ♪ You think three lousy tears ♪ ♪ Offsets three years of shit? ♪ ♪ I deserve better than you ♪ ♪ Get me wetter, then screw ♪ ♪ Sorry you’re not what I need, hun ♪ ♪ Lick this clit then leave, son ♪ -[music stops] -[audience cheering] Hey, if you guys are having a good time, make some silence. -[silence] -Cool. -[audience laughing] -Uh… What’s this show about? What am I talking about, you know? To… to summarize the show, though… Me! Me! Me! But… if you take one thing away from my show… I hope it’s a T-shirt. We’re selling them out there. This is all a front for the brand. But what is this show about? What do you think, industrial piping? -[air hissing] -Close. -[air hissing] -Stay out of it. [audience laughing] It’s about… Mute this. -But for real, what is it about? -[audience laughing] It’s about… performing… -I try to… -[person whistling] …make my show about other things, but it always ends up becoming about performing. I started performing very young, as a teenager, you know, professionally. And as a comedian, what you’re supposed to do… You’re supposed to talk about what you know. And what I knew always was performing. So to talk about… [chuckles] traffic or laundry felt incredibly disingenuous. But I worried that making a show about performing would be too meta. It wouldn’t be relatable to people that aren’t performers. But what I found is that I don’t think anyone isn’t. Could we get the house lights up for a second? And could you… Let the lights on stage… Let the artifice fade away. -Now we’re all the same. -[scattered cheers] -I mean, you’re all facing this way still. -[audience laughs] You know, I look out at… I look out at you and, um… It’s a very diverse crowd. I mean, more European than I would’ve hoped, but… we’ll get there. If I look at the young people… You know, and I feel like… I was born in 1990 and I was sort of raised in America when it was a cult of self-expression. And I was just taught, you know, express myself and have things to say and everyone will care about them. And I think everyone was taught that and most of us found out no one gives a shit what we think. So we flock to performers by the thousands ’cause we’re the few that have found an audience. And then I’m supposed to get up here and say, “Follow your dreams,” as if this is a meritocracy? It is not, okay? I had a privileged life and I got lucky and I’m unhappy. [audience laughing] They say it’s… it’s like the me generation. It’s not. It’s not… [stammers] The arrogance is taught or it was cultivated. It’s… it’s self-conscious. That’s what it is. It’s the… It’s conscious of self… [stammers] Social media… it’s just the market’s answer to a generation that demanded to perform. So the market said, “Here, perform everything to each other all the time for no reason.” It’s prison, it’s horrific. It is performer and audience melded together. What do we want more than to lie in our bed at the end of the day and just watch our life as a satisfied audience member? I know very little about anything, but what I do know is that if you can live your life without an audience… you should do it. And now you’re thinking… “How the fuck are you gonna dig the show out of this weird hole?” Oh, you want me to be funny and make a point? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. -Batman. So… how do we do it? -[audience laughing] [cheering] We do it like this. I went to Kanye West’s recent tour, the Yeezus Tour. It was a big, dramatic, theatrical show. He did something very strange at the end of his show where he ranted… for, like, 20 minutes. It was kind of a rant, kind of a song. He had auto-tune on his voice and there was an instrumental in the background… -[instrumental music playing] -…like this instrumental. He talked about his problems… race… power. His $90 T-shirts weren’t selling very well. That was most of it. And I watched this. I thought maybe I could do this. I’ll be honest, my problems are not as high-stakes as Kanye’s, but I have problems. And maybe a crowd in New York would be nice enough to indulge me.

So as we get to the end of a night of theater… and comedy and sweaters coming on and off, I got one question for you… And that question is… [with auto-tune] ♪ Can I say my shit, New York? ♪ ♪ Can I say my shit? ♪ ♪ I got lots of shit to say ♪ ♪ I got lots of shit to say ♪ [vocalizing] [audience cheering] ♪ I can’t fit my hand Inside a Pringle can ♪ ♪ I have a huge amount of trouble Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can ♪ ♪ I can get my hand Like four inches into the can ♪ ♪ But then I have to tilt the can Into my mouth ♪ ♪ But by that point a bunch of crumbs have Accumulated at the bottom of the can ♪ ♪ So they all go Spilling onto my face ♪ ♪ What I’m trying to say Is the diameter of Pringle cans ♪ ♪ Is way too small ♪ ♪ I’ll say it again ♪ ♪ The diameter of Pringle cans Is way too small ♪ ♪ Two radiuses of a Pringle can Is way too small ♪ ♪ If you feel me Put your hands up ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ ♪ If you feel me Put your hands up ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Look at all these hands That are way too big ♪ ♪ To fit inside a Pringle can ♪ ♪ Your hands are too big To fit inside of Pringle cans ♪ ♪ Your hands are too big To fit inside a Pringle can ♪ ♪ You think you can ♪ ♪ I know you can’t You think you can ♪ ♪ Pringles, listen to the people ♪ ♪ I’m sure 90% Of the complaint letters you get ♪ ♪ Are about the width of your cans ♪ Just… make ’em wider. [audience laughing] I’ve overdone the Pringles thing. Sorry. ♪ I wanna have a daughter ♪ ♪ Wanna have a daughter ♪ ♪ So I can finally have Someone around the house ♪ ♪ Who can fit their hands In a Pringle can ♪ ♪ Yes, I’m still On the Pringle cans thing ♪ Yeah. I’ll… I’ll move on, all right? ♪ But that is priority numero uno ♪ ♪ I don’t go to the gym ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m self-conscious About my body ♪ [echoing] ♪ …body… ♪ ♪ But I’m self-conscious About my body ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I don’t go to the gym ♪ ♪ Irony can be so painful ♪ ♪ That’s a catch-22 ♪ [vocalizing] ♪ Let’s do this ♪

♪ I went to Chipotle ♪ ♪ Went to Chipotle ♪ ♪ Got myself a chicken burrito ♪ -[trills] -[audience laughs] ♪ I went down the line I got, like, all these ingredients ♪ ♪ And then at the end of the line The guy tried to wrap the burrito ♪ ♪ But half of the shit Inside the burrito spilled out ♪ ♪ He still wrapped it ♪ ♪ I was, like “Dude, you should have warned me ♪ ♪ You’re a burrito expert ♪ ♪ You should have told me Halfway through ♪ ♪ ‘Hey, man, you might be reaching Maximum burrito capacity here’ ♪ ♪ Do you think I want a messy burrito? ♪ ♪ No one wants a messy burrito” ♪ ♪ The whole appeal of a burrito Is that all of the ingredients ♪ ♪ Are contained Within the confines of the tortilla ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have gotten half this shit ♪ ♪ If I knew it wasn’t gonna fit In the burrito, all right? Look… ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got Half of it ♪ ♪ Like, I’m okay with small mistakes ♪ ♪ If you got no more chicken I’ll take pork ♪ ♪ But I’ll blow my dad Before I eat a burrito with a fork ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Man, I wouldn’t have got Half of it, like ♪ ♪ Half of it, like Half of it, like ♪ ♪ Half of it, like Half of it ♪ ♪ Right now, I think it’s time ♪ ♪ I think it’s time That we break it down ♪ [audience cheering and applauding] [vocalizing] -[babbles] -[audience laughing] ♪ I can sit here and pretend ♪ ♪ Like my biggest problems Are Pringle cans ♪ [sighs] ♪ And burritos ♪ ♪ The truth is My biggest problem’s you ♪ ♪ I wanna please you ♪ ♪ But I wanna stay true to myself ♪ ♪ I wanna give you the night out That you deserve ♪ ♪ But I wanna sing what I think ♪ ♪ And not care What you think about it ♪ ♪ A part of me loves you ♪ ♪ A part of me hates you ♪ ♪ A part of me needs you ♪ ♪ A part of me fears you ♪ ♪ And I don’t think That I can handle this right now ♪ ♪ Handle this right now ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right now ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right now ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ Look at them They’re just staring at me ♪ ♪ Like, “Come and watch The skinny kid ♪ ♪ With a steadily declining Mental health” ♪ ♪ And laugh as he attempts to give you What he cannot give himself ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ But they don’t even know The half of this right ♪ ♪ But they don’t even know The half of it ♪ ♪ But I know I’m not a doctor ♪ ♪ I’m a pussy I put on a silly show ♪ ♪ I should probably just shut up ♪ ♪ And do my job So here I go ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got half ♪ ♪ You can tell them anything ♪ ♪ If you just make it funny Make it rhyme ♪ ♪ And if they still don’t understand you ♪ ♪ Then you’ll run it one more time ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ Oh! ♪ ♪ Handle this right ♪ ♪ Oh! ♪ ♪ Handle this right ♪ ♪ But you don’t even know The half of this right now ♪ ♪ Right now ♪ ♪ Ha! ♪ ♪ Now ♪ ♪ Handle this right Handle this right ♪ ♪ Handle this right now ♪ Thank you. Good night. I hope you’re happy. -[audience cheering and applauding] -[microphone thuds] [cheering stops] Oh, good, it’s just us. [playing piano] ♪ Now the show is done ♪ ♪ I hope that you had gut trembling Or something resembling fun ♪ ♪ And if you watch this thing alone ♪ ♪ You probably didn’t laugh ♪ ♪ But maybe a few times You exhaled out of your nose ♪ [exhales] ♪ But if you hated it, that’s fair ♪ ♪ But either way ♪ ♪ Could you find a little more time For a parting questionnaire? ♪ ♪ On a scale from one to zero ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you’re on your own from here ♪ ♪ So, are you happy? ♪ ♪ I’m open to suggestions ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ But what the fuck kind of question is “Am I happy?” ♪ ♪ I really wanna try to get happy And I think that I could get it ♪ ♪ If I didn’t always panic Every time I’m unhappy in life ♪ ♪ I’m owed some life Where I’m always, like, happy ♪ ♪ Which is stupid ’cause I wouldn’t even want it if I got it ♪ ♪ Wait, oh, God, my dad was right ♪ ♪ So if you know Or ever knew how ♪ ♪ To be happy ♪ ♪ On a scale from one to two now ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ You’re everything you hated ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ Hey, look, Ma I made it ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ [instrumental music playing]

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