JIM JEFFERIES: CONTRABAND (2008) – Full Transcript

2017-08-13T07:22:00-07:00 July 27th, 2017|Categories: COMEDY, JIM JEFFERIES|Tags: |
  • Jim Jefferies - Contaband

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Art theatre. Can you please go mental for, Jim Jefferies!

How you all going? Welcome to the recording of my first ever DVD people, so thank you for coming. Who’s seen me before, give me a yell? All right, who’s never seen me? OK, you do seem like a happier bunch. The show’s called 30, man, it’s basically a whole lot of stories heading up to the age I am now. I just wanted to rip of the 300 poster, so it’s really got nothing to do with fucken nothing, there’s no point for it or anything. I get to travel with this job, actually this is the third day on the tour, 2 days ago, I was in Helsinki, doing a gig, and we had 600 people that came to the fucken gig, but, only because they only going like “are you the man who got punched in the face?” So good to see you. I love that shit.

I went to Sweden man. The Swedish people, are the best looking people I have seen in my entire life. I didn’t see one ugly fucker, the whole time I was there. I think they might be killing the ugly people. I’m not saying they’re walking around killing people: they’re doing it from birth. They’ll be like… a woman giving birth, there’ll be a doctor, and an official guy in the corner, right. The doctor pulls the baby out, shows it to the official bloke. He goes: “No” The doctor gets the baby’s head, throws it in the corner, with all the other ugly, dead babies. And it’s such a rational breed, I don’t even think the woman would be upset. I think she would just be going “was it ugly, was it?” “Thank you for saving me from the shame” “It’s my own fault, I shouldn’t have had sex with a Scottish man.”

Hello, to the balcony people. I can’t see you, I just wanted to know, if there was people up there. I’ll tell you a bit about my family, my 15 year old cousin, has recently become pregnant. And, I’m only offended by this, as a taxpayer. I think if you can’t afford it, cut the fucken thing out, but, its not my problem, my honey, has to take care of it, yeah. She’s going to fucken keep it. 15 man, she’s going to fucken keep the thing. I went to a rough school, right. I was 14, 15, 16, no one was fucking at my school. Nobody, not even the cool kids, were fucking, We where happy, with fingering. Bring that back. I could finger a girl in February, that would keep me going till fucken August. These kids today, all fuck each other, they get fucken knocked up. They get sex education. I never had any sex education, I didn’t even have a sister. These kids, get sex education, on a Monday or a Wednesday, or whenever they have it. They’re all fucking each other, they’re all getting pregnant. I think, too much information. I think we should fuck sex education off completely, and just start showing these kids pornography, from a very young age. At least that way the boys will know, to come on the girls faces. I’m trying to make a difference here people.

My fucken my grandmother died I think what.. last July, or something like that. She was 92, she was meant to fucken die, you know. I’d be more surprised, if she did a motocross rally, or something like that. Towards the end, she just… she had like four strokes, and she had dementia, she was just a head in a chair, really. And, she had dementia, and as I like to call it, honesty. Just old people, telling the truth. They go: “I’ve been walking this planet, for 92 years, I’m sick of lying to cunts.” “She’s taken my money. That’s not my son.” And she was meant to die, like two years ago. She kept on getting strokes, and my mom going: “She’s got two days to live.” So she goes: “you better ring, your grandmother, she’s going to die any minute.” I ring her up: “how you grandma, how are you?” And she: “not to good” “I heard that, I hear you’re not doing well. Look grandma, I’m going to miss you, I love you, I’m sorry you’re dying.” And she went, “I love you too Jim.” And, then I cried, and thought well, that’s that. I put the phone down, and went back to the Playstation. And then, two years on, she wasn’t dead. What do you do? Do you call back, what’s the protocol? You go, good for you, I didn’t think you had it fucken in you. Every Time, she’s going to die my fathers lives in fucken Sydney, and my grandmothers in Queensland, and he would go up to bury his mom. But, because, with her not dying, he would go up there, and every time would have to take time off work, and all that. Every time he would come back, I would ring him up and go: “Did grandma die?” And he would go: “No.” And I would go: “better luck next time.” She’s got like 12 grandkids, and we’ve all got the same inheritance. We all got a 100 bucks, that’s Australian, a 100 dollars Australian. That’s fucken 38 quid, right? That’s not even enough for two lap dances, that, right? How is her spirit meant to move on? And, those people, can fucken hang on, forever and ever. Because they’re worried about the afterlife. She wasn’t going to fucken die.

That’s the same reason, the old Pope.. not the Natzi we got now, the one before that, he wouldn’t… remember the one that was curved like a banana? He wouldn’t die, because he was religious, and evil. Everytime there was like a pedofile, in the catholic church he would just move them to a different church. So they were like: “Gods not watching, you’re OK” Now, it’s all gone a bit weird, because I mentioned pedophelia. Don’t think, that I don’t know, that pedophilia is a very awkward subject to bring up, at a comedy gig, at the five minute mark of the show. But let’s have a go. I’ve had some personal… I was molested by a scoutmaster, when I was young. This is true, he never touched me, or penetrated me, he used to put me in a corner and masturbate on me, but still not a great day.

I find pedophilia to be a very… its a very awkward you see, in society, there’s certain pedophiles that we condemn, and then there’s other pedophile that when they do.. we don’t even notice, they just put it under the carpet, and go, “I don’t talk about that.” Okay, does everyone know, that, Elvis Presley was a pedophile? Right, there’s no debating this. Elvis Presley, had Priscilla Presley, move into his house at 14 years of age, where upon he fucked her. Then, married her at 16 or, 17, or something like that. So, Elvis was a pedophile. You happy with that? Right. Charlie Chaplin, was a pedophile, he fucked 13 year olds, 14 year olds, 15 year old girls. Yet, there’s a statue, in the middle of Leicester Square of Charlie Chaplin, where you can have your photograph taken with the pedophile. But, we forgive them, because they’re the best in their field. There’s never going to be another king of Rock ‘n Roll, and I promise you, there will never be a better silent movie star. At what point, do we as a society go, but they were good. What I’m trying to say is: How talented do you have to be to fuck a kid? Gary Glitter (English glam rock singer) Good song, don’t fuck a kid.

Back to my grandma. I’ll tell you what she did. When I was … 17 years old, I was in a school musical, as you do when you’re in high school You do plays and stuff like that. I was in a school musical, and I got lead role, and, my grandmother came down from Queensland, to see this musical, and come and stay with us. She way staying in my room, and I was kicked out to the couch. So, she’s there for a little while, and my mom goes: “go sing your grandmother a song” And, I’m like, “you sing her a fucken song, I’m not going..”. “Go sing your grandmother a song” “I’m not going to sing her a song” And, then I heard from the bedroom: “is Jim going to sing me a song?” And, I went, “yes Grandma”. Fucken bitch. So, I walk in there and go, “so what song would you like to hear grandma?” And, she said, “Stormy weather”. And, so I went: “don’t know why, there’s no, sun up, in the sky…” And, my grandmother looked at me, adoringly, as only a grandmother can look at her grandson, singing a song And, I finished the song, and went, “there you go grandma, that’s your song.” And, I went to walk away, my grandmother goes: “ I’ll tell you a story.” And, I’m like “of course”, you’ll tell me a fucken story, you’ve never not told me a story. One day, I’ll get 38 quid, and this will all be worth while. “What’s your story grandma?” She goes, “I used to live in this town, called Gympie, which is a real town in Queensland, and I lived in Gympie, and there was a showroom, and on a Wednesday, they would have local lads, that would come and sing in the cabaret bar, and afterwards, there was a singer, who sang beautifully just like you. Afterwards, I got talking him, and he asked me to go for a drive in his car. He drove me out to the coast, and laid a blanket down. And we made love… under the stars.” Now this is my.. she’s about 84 at this stage, telling her grandson this. And, I’m going “that’s a great story grandma” And she goes, “then, as I was lying there, with the moon glistening, off my naked body… I looked up at him, and said ‘sing me a song’ and, he sang me, “Stormy weather.” That’s why she was looking at me adoringly, she wasn’t thinking of her grandson singing a song, she was thinking of Johnny fucken showtime, fucking her on the beach. I made this woman wet, for the first time in 40 old years.

So, we’re all drinking tonight I hope, it’s fucken Saturday, you got to get pissed. It’s good for you I don’t like people who don’t drink. Don’t trust them, I haven’t got friends who don’t drink. I would stop being a friend, if you stop drinking, because, anyone who doesn’t drink, is a boring cunt. If you’re a non drinker, your stories fucken suck. All your stories end the same way with: “and then I got home”, right? No one gives a shit that you’ve been promoted at work. No one gives a fuck, that your kids don’t have bruises, you’re a boring dick. Have you ever asked a non drinker, why they don’t drink? They give you the same stupid answer, every fucken time. You go: “why don’t you drink?” And they: “I don’t like the taste of it.” Nobody does! No one likes the taste of it, we drink because we have to, because life is a miserable piece of shit! No one has ever had a shot of tequila and gone: “Ooh… that’s lovely… next time I’ll have that instead of dessert!”

I told you, life’s shit man, and it’s all over soon. Like my grandmother said, she was worried about what was going to happen afterwards. As an atheist, I don’t give a fuck about dying, I’m looking forward to it. I don’t believe in heaven, I don’t believe in hell, I’ll just rot in the fucken ground. I don’t even want the option of heaven. I don’t want to exist in a continence state, for the rest of eternity, constantly thinking I don’t like thinking as it is. Where’s my passport?, can’t punch woman in the street! The Bible calls heaven, eternal bliss, I don’t care how blissful it is, its eternal, you’ll get used to it, then you’ll get fucken bored. And, what’s hell meant to be like, fire, and brimstone, eternal agony, that’s what’s written in the Bible. That’s God’s book, as far as I know, the devil hasn’t brought out a book. We don’t know his side of the argument, right? If you ask me, the Devil and God are having an argument, the Devils being a bigger fucken man, because Gods just writing shit about him, and the Devil’s going, “I’m not even going to fuck comment son.” You don’t want to live forever in a consciousness… don’t want eternal life, life is shit. If you don’t think it is disappointing, right I’ll do this … I’ll do this … give me a camera, straight on my face. Everybody do this in the room here, and if you’re watching at home: look at the person next to you, that you love more than anyone in the world and know that sooner or later, one of you will be dead, and the other one will be miserable. Just something to think about. I told you, the only reason you people are here, is because you want me to make you laugh for a fucken hour, because when you go back to work on Monday, your lives going to be shit. And then, you’ll be dead, and, what’s going to happen when you die, you go to heaven, you see a big bright light, you walk towards the light, what’s at the end of the light? All your dead relatives. Well… Whoop-di-fucken-doo! Have you ever spent a weekend at your grandparents house? It’s fucken shit. I’ll be up there for an hour, I wish all my friends would die. You’ll be up there meeting everyone, “Hello Nanna. How are you granddad. Hello, uncle who used to touch me.. how did you get up here?” “Oh, that’s right, you used to work for the church.” Well, that got a very mixed response. That’s how we think about this.

I know I’ve been picking on the Christians, the Catholics, or whatever they fucken call themselves. If you’re religious, you’re a fucken idiot, right? Point blank, the guy in the cloud, and all that, you’re fucken morons. Read a science book, watch a Richard Dawkins documentary, you dumb fucken cunt. There’s no way creation.. what they just.. Adam and Eve fucked each other and we’re all.. fuck off you, idiot. There was a big ark, with two animals. How did fucken slugs get there in two days? How did they get there, they came from the four corners of the earth, these fucken slow moving animals, never would have fucken made it. How where the polar bears, mixing up with the fucken, gorillas, and shit.

Now, please do not think, I am just picking on the Christians. I think all religious people are ridiculous. So, let’s have a go at all of them, shall we? Jews, what’s all that about? What’s with the curly sideburns? Where is the part where it says: “thou shalt love me, thou shalt look like a dick”? Buddha, you fat cunt, why would I follow you, you look like you can’t take care of yourself? Then, there’s our Muslim friends, the fucken Musies are mental. Thank fuck the Musies don’t drink, because they’de be out of control, if they fucken did. They just aren’t a tolerant bunch, the Mussies, covering womans faces, and cutting cliterous’s off, isn’t just a bit of culture. It’s horrible, it’s fucken horrible. You can’t.. remember the little teddy bear, that was called Mohammed? That lady didn’t deserve to be.. they wanted to kill her, and lash her, in a fucken square, for calling a teddy bear, Mohammed. Now, if there’s any Muslim fundamentalists, in the room .. you see this microphone, I’m calling it Mohammed, right? And its fucken gay, it’s a gay microphone, called Mohammed, and all it wants to do is, roll the cord up, and fuck itself up the ass! Now, that joke has limited some of my holiday destinations. If you can’t drink there, it’s not really a fucken holiday, is it?

Fucken coming out, fucken drinking.. Look at you people, you’re out here, and they’ve given us all plastic cups, like we’re fucken kids, and you have to spend 3,5 pounds, for pint, and they serve it to you in plastic. But, let’s be honest, you British people, aren’t responsible enough for glass, are you? You know what will happen, if one of you get glass, one of you gets angry, don’t you? One of you will smash the glass one the bar, shove a shard of glass into someone else’s face. You’re the only nation of people, that use glass as a verb.

Fuck, you come out, go to a nightclub, get pissed, you go to the toilet, you go to wash your hands, but you’re not allowed to wash your hands, why not? Because, there’s a fucken toilet attendant there. A guy, with a metal tray, with a whole lot of pound coins in it, a few bits of fucken perfume, a couple of chober chops, and a bit of chewing gum. And, he’s ready with the soap. I fucken hate those cunts. I’m not going to give you pound mate, I’ve washed my hands before, I’m fucken good at it. It’s one of my skills, It’s one of my skills, I’m not the most hygienic guy in the world, anyway, I was just sniffing coca off a toilet seat, for fuck sake. Have you ever walked out of there, and not washed your hands? They look at you, like you’re scum. I’m scum, you work in a fucken toilet, mate!

Tell you a story, I was out in South Africa, doing some gigs. I was out there, with a gay comedian, and he took me to this gay club, in South Africa, and we took two ecstasy tablets each. His up on the dancefloor, trying to get some dick, and, I’m standing at the bar, chatting to a couple of lads, I’ve never met before, and one of them goes: “you’re wasted aren’t you?” And, I went: “yeh” And he goes, “do you want to come to the bathroom with me?” Now, as a drug taker, I think he’s offering me a line of coke. So, I went “would I?” Not only did I do that, I put my arm around him, and dragged him off to the toilet, and went: “this is going to be fucken awesome, man” I went into the cubical first, and wiped the seat down, then I leant out, and beckoned him in. Now, I don’t know about all the men in the room, but I know these days when I get my old fella sucked off, he takes a little while to stand to attention, but he must have really liked me, because he walked in with what I can only describe as, a great big, black cock. I shut the door to the cubicle, there are now three people in the cubicle: me, him and the great big black cock. Just to give you dimensions of the man, he’s this tall, his this wide, the cocks erect, it’s poking into my stomach. I look up at him, and I go… “I thought we were going to so some coke.” And he went, “Do you want some coke first?” “I only want coke… but I can see how with your accent, you may have mistaken that for cock.” Now, I’d like to say that something funny happened after that … all that happened was, I told him I wasn’t gay, he apologised, he went out, and he bought me a drink. But, for the sake of comedy, he raped me.

I’m going to talk to you a bit, about my dad. My dad’s a weird cat, all right, good guy but his not … My parents made me get a job, when I was like, fucken 12, doing the paper rounds, because there was no mines in Sydney. I had to go around the suburbs, and deliver papers, and at the end of the day, I had to go to the news agency, and empty all the bins out, at the back of the news agency into a metal skip. It was a fucken cunt of a job, but the only good thing about it was at the end of the month, they used to throw away, all the magazines they hadn’t sold. Mountains of porn! I would collect these porn magazines up, and fill my backpack up, go home, take the porn mags to school, sell them off for a five a magazine I was making more off my porn empire, than I ever did, out on the paper route. I had a draw under my bed, that was four foot by two foot, which I packed full of porn. One day I come home, my room’s been cleaned, it’s fucken spotless. First thing I do, I run to the porn draw, I open it up. Empty. Go out to the living room, now my mom out there, sitting in her chair. Now, did anyone have a parent who had their own chair? They were the cunty parent, they were never the nice parent. If you are a parent out there, and you have your own chair, you’re a fucken Nazi dick. Stop being such a fascist, go sit somewhere else, you don’t control the world. So, my mom looks at me, and she goes, “I cleaned your room.” And I went, “yeah, yeah, thanks for that mom.” But then, she never mentioned anything. A week later, I’m out in my dad’s shed, and I’m hammering a nail into the bench, for no apparent reason, but he’s a carpenter, you put a nail into a bench, he puts a table up there or something, and then it will fucken finish. Just bring a dick … Under the bench, I saw all my porn magazines, but they’re all wet and bent, with lettuce leaves on them, and stuff like that. What’s happened is, my mom’s cleaned my room out, she’s thrown all my porn magazines out in the wheelie bin, my dad has to take the wheelie bin to the end of the driveway, on a fucken Wednesday, he’s opened it up, gone “Oh, hello, collected it all up” he’s gone off to his shed, and wanked himself stupid. So, I thought, fuck that old cunt, so I collect them all back, take them back to the drawer, where they belong, and the circle of life continues. Now, a few days later, I’m out in the living room, and my old man walks out and goes: “You been out in my shed?” And I went, “Yeah” “You’re not allowed those magazines.” “Neither are you.” “Can I have four?” To this day, if you go out to my fucken parents house, man, they have four porn magazines, out in there. Quality, early 90s material.

When I was at the end of the festival, not this festival, the festival before. I was having a wank, I felt like a lumpy, fleshy, thing on my cock, and it wasn’t a wart, or a cyst or anything I’d had previously. I went to the doctor, and the doctor sort of looked at it and went… Another doctor, and the two of them looked at it, and just… “I don’t fucken have any idea.” So, they send me off to a specialist, the specialist puts my genitals into like a clamping machine, and it turns out that I have a tumor, growing out the side of my penis. Now, I go to the doctor: “do many people die from this?” And his like: “No…most people detect it pretty quick, they don’t leave it to chance.” No, I just said, “no one dies from this, it’s very rare, and … I’m not famous, but I’m on television a bit, I might be the most famous person ever to have this condition. Which means, I’ll have to become a spokesperson. I’ll be doing adverts going… ‘hi, I’m Jim Jefferies, I’m a comedian, you know what’s not a laughing matter? Dick cancer Do you know that two people die from dick cancer a year? This must be stopped. There are many ways to detect dick cancer: Wanking, that’s it, really… please buy a ribbon.” Now, while I was out, at the end of the festival, I was with a girl for three years, I never cheated on her, but I did cheat on her twice at the end of the festival, because, it’s a festival. When I went to the doctor, I was worried that it was a sexually transmitted diseases I think, I was the first person ever to high five a doctor when he says you’ve got cancer. I was fucken well up for that! I was like, cancer, fucken yeah! If you come home with herpes, she’ll kick you out of the fucken house, you come home with dick cancer, she’ll make you a fucken cake or something real nice. God bless her, I loved her to bits, we’re broken up now, I can say this, she wasn’t bright, she was a thick girl. She would not have sex with me, until the tumor was removed, because she was worried it was contagious. I’m like “it’s not contagious, it’s fucken cancer. Let’s just enjoy the width, while we have it.” You girls know I’m right, you haven’t had sex, until you’ve had tumour sex. It’s not contagious, it’s not like we got it from a tit wank from Kylie Minogue. Yes, look, I understand that, that joke is wrong on many levels. The main level being, that Kylie’s tits aren’t big enough for a tit wank. Even with a lump, they couldn’t have gotten that much bigger. Don’t be upset with me, I’m a cancer patient. So, anyway, I go into the surgery to get it taken out. They lay me down on the table, they put like a metal frame up, with a curtain, and the doctor puts a needle into my dick, and there’s a nurse, and her sole job is to take the blood away from the sliced up cock. There’s another nurse, and her sole job, is to hold my hand, whilst my cock is being sliced up, and to distract me, from the mutilation. She’s holding my hand, and she looks at me, and she goes: “so… I hear you’re a comedian?” And I went, “yeah, I’m a comedian.” “Why don’t you tell us all a joke?” “Why don’t you fuck off.” And then, they put like six stitches into my cock, these aren’t the big ones they use in your head, or your arm, these are tiny, fine, small ones that they use on babies arms, and … the doctor tells me, not to get an erection for three weeks. I was fucken moody. I wasn’t a good kind of .. At the end of three weeks, I was ready for my comeback wank. I hadn’t even touched my cock, I tried not to think about my cock, my balls had never been so full in my entire life. In fact, the stitches dissolved, and I told my girlfriend, they where still not dissolved, so I could have a wank, before I fucked her. I put some porn on and I got some lube. Now, ordinarily, I’m not that fancy, I’m more of a dry hand sort of guy, but I thought, it’s been a while Jim, treat yourself. So, I moved up my cock, and I’m talking five pumps maximum, just … and out of my cock, came this thick gelatine come. It was like it was trying to make a baby, without the womb, and I looked at it, and I swear to god, it fucken looked back at me! So I shook its hand. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got to say about dick cancer, except, don’t you think that dick cancer sounds like a war correspondent? Like a guy from the news that you really trust? That’s just me…

I’ve done things, fucken out in Baghdad, and Iraq. I’ve been out there, it’s fucken mental… When you go out there, you realise that the other team, don’t really know they’re involved, like all the other old boys. You can say what you want about the Nazi’s, but they always looked good, you could always pick them out of a crowd. This enemy, the Taliban, they don’t have an outfit…. I was there on the first day… well the first day I was there, I was in a helicopter, flying over the top of Baghdad, with my helmet on, and bulletproof vest, thinking I was cool as fuck. The helicopters windows open, there’s this guy with a gun, sort of scouring the ground. I look out, I see there’s this little bloke with an handgun, shooting up at the helicopter and I fucken freak out, I’m like: “oh fuck, fuck, we’re being fired at!” and the gunman says: “don’t worry about it, we’re too high up, those bullets can’t reach us.” And then he went, “Hey! Look at this” And the little cunt died. I was like… “I was just saying” I don’t want to upset anyone… Fucken mental man, I get so desensitized about terrorism now, I don’t even care anymore. The first big one, remember, when the planes hit the buildings, I can’t remember what date it was, but fuck… Every terrorist attack since then, I … just fucken, whatever… The one in Glasgow, where the guy was in flames, and he drove his flaming car into the airport. The first thing that went through my brain when I saw that was: “Ah, you fucken cunt! Now I’m going to have to put my toiletries in a plastic bag!” Take my shoes off, you’re wasting my time.

Fuck, my brother‘s a mental case, he’s been mental for our whole childhood, he can’t help himself. He’s older than me, but his just fucken, wide wrong, something in his head…. I’m going to tell you something. I’ve never told this on stage before, it probably won’t get on the DVD, but, this is just something funny: Me, and my brothers, were talking. Whenever, my mother (my mother’s a great big fat woman, still is … 18,19 stone or something) She used to always get us to go out, and get the washing off the line. And she’d be in the kitchen going: “go get the washing off the line, make sure you fold everything.” And yelling at us, while we’re doing this. When I was about 10, and Scott was about 14, and we used to go out there, whenever we got her underwear of the line, we would get on either end of it, and fold it like a flag. If that’s not funny, nothing is…. So, one time, me and my brother at home, just the two of us, and he’s about 16, I’m about 12, and my mom and dad are out of the house. My brother Scott, his on the couch, and he looks at me and goes, “Jim, get me a coke.” And I went, “ get your own fucken coke, I’m not going to get you a coke.” And he went, “get me a coke, or I’ll piss on the carpet.” “Piss on the carpet you mad cunt, I’m not going to get you a fucken coke.” “Get me a coke, or I piss on the carpet” “I’m not going to get you a coke.” So, my brother stood up, walked to the middle of living room, which is a longer distance, than getting himself a fucken coke, pulled out his cock, and started pissing on the carpet. But, he’s looking at me going: “you really should have got me a coke, why wouldn’t you get me a coke?” Does his fly up, goes back to the couch, doesn’t get himself a coke. I just fucken left the pile of urine there, my mom comes home, she’s fucken furious, this big pile of urine. She goes, “Who did this!?” “Who did this!?” And I went, “Scott did it.” She looked at Scott, and goes: What did you do that for?” He goes: “I told Jim to get me a coke, or I’ll piss on the carpet.” And my mom turns to me, and goes.. “Why didn’t you get him a coke? You know his fucking mental.”

I’ll tell you another brother’s story, this one’s a bit sad. When me and my brother were young, my dad was doing this thing where .. you know when you’re being taken to the dumpyard, the tip, or something like that. When you were a little kid, that was better than going to a football match. That was just like, the best day ever, because you never knew what you were going to find at the junkyard, now did you? You’d just be there, standing on a pile of shit, going: “Dad! You have to see this, we’ve got to take it with us, it’s a fridge, it’s only missing a door.” So, we’re loading up all this stuff from our garage, emptying our boxes and what not. My brother… I’m about 9 … no, I’m about 5, my brothers about 9, my brother pulls a vibrator out of a box, just like this, and my dad, does the fucken dad, when they’re nervous walk He goes, “Hey, what you got there?” then dad goes, “Oh, I’ll take that off you.” As soon as we see that little walk, we know that’s something fucken important. And, we’re just going, “Dad, was is that? I have to fucken know what that is. I have to fucken know. Dad! What is is? Dad!” And Dad, sees his two sons, and sort of smiles right into himself, and goes: “ Ah, it’s a massager.” Dad turns it on, and goes:: “Oh, that’s lovely, oh.” And he goes, “Well turn that off, we’ll put that back in the box, and put that box, way back, up there. Won’t look at that again.” Okay, about a few days later, my brother walks into my rooms, and goes : “Jim. Garage.” And, we go to the garage, we pile all these boxes up, we get the vibrator out. It’s about 40 degrees heat. My brother looks at me and goes: “Now, you massage my back, and I’ll massage your back.” Now, this is a standard old brother trick, older brothers do this, you push me on the swing, I’ll push you on the swing, and what happens is, you push them on the swings for like ten minutes, and then, they push you, for like a minute, tell you it was ten minutes and say, you’re retarded, and you can’t read the time. We both take our shirts off, now we are just in underwear, in the garage, in the dark, with a vibrator. Then I start massaging my brothers back and he’s giving it these ones and then it’s my turn, I get in front. My brother holds the vibrator up, he turns it on, and then he drops it on the ground, and goes “You have to put it back on the top shelf!” and fucks off. Now, I’m five years old, what do I do? I cry. I pick the vibrator up, in the darkness, and I just go.. That’s when my dad comes in to see his five year old son, massaging his back, with a vibrator, and, while crying. He comes up, and he goes : “Has Scotty fucked you over again, mate?” And I went “Yeah.” He goes, “give it here. He holds it up, and he goes : you see this, do not play with this, this is dads.” Now, that sentence has haunted me. Not that this is mom and dads, this is dads. That raises questions, I never want answered. Such questions as, why the fuck was it in the garage? Why the fuck did my dads mates never come into the house? I was happy with it being in my mom, but I… It’s more disturbing that story, than you know.

A lot of people find me offensive, and the reason for that is, there’s a lot of spastics out there. The people who take offense, are not the spastics, it’s the people who know spastics, it’s the people who are friends with spastics. If you’re such a good friend, then whey didn’t you bring them out tonight, you fucken cunt? Furthermore, a few years ago, I did three gigs for Scope. They said, “Jim, we like you, we have benefits.” I said, “Are you sure you want me?” And they : “you’re the only comedian to make jokes about us, whilst we’re in the room.” So anyone who’s offended, you can go get fucked, I’m spaz approved. In fact, in their reviews, they gave me four oo’s. Which … Now, as I’ve said before, if your friends with these people, why don’t you bring them out? You always get some bleeding heart, coming up to you after a gig going, “Do you know my best friend is a sp… Well, a spastic. Then you’re like, “where the fuck are they?” bitch, fuck you. I used to work as a disabled carer, before I became a comedian. It was a good job, you felt good about yourself at the end of the day. I saw some heartwarming things, I saw some fucken miserable things, but I saw some things that made me feel good. I got fired, for racing them. It sounds a lot worse than it is, you say “racing retards”, that’s offensive, call it paralympics, good will.

Anyway, I’m going to tell you a good story that came from there, something not nice. I think this story is inspiring, you might not agree with me, I took these two lads down to the beach, with cerebral palsy, not with the power of .. it’s not like they’re magical. You’d assume they have some, but I think the only magic abilities are dwarfs. Midgets aren’t magical, they’re just freakish little people. Don’t worry about that joke, it goes over the midgets heads. It doesn’t go over the dwarfs heads, people underestimate how big their foreheads are. Just smacks them in the fourteenth wrinkle. Anyway, I took these two lads down to the beach, with cerebral palsy, and we wheel them down to the beach, and there’s a beautiful moment, when you’re at the beach, and you’re just looking at the water and the sand, you’re eating an ice cream, and you go: “how long do we stay here for? What’s the appropriate amount of time? It’s not like they’re going to go swimming” In Australia, you can sun bath topless, so there’s a lot of topless woman walking around, and you’re not meant to look at topless woman when they’re on the beach. If one woman in this room was topless right now, there would be no gig, the show would be over, the room would be freaking out. But, on the beach, if the girl’s topless, you are meant to just act like this is normal, and not look, or poke. So… Anyway, the two lads … this girl walks by, with tremendous tits. Now, one of the lads, with no muscle memory whatsoever, he’s all Hawkined up, and… a pair of tits walk by, and I swear to God, he fucken locked on, like a solid fucken: he did not fucken deviate, as she went by. I was thinking, is this some type of therapy, that they’ve never offered these people. Anyway, so I start thinking, as an able bodied person, I can’t stare at tits, because someone will punch me in the head. But, I think: fuck it, I’m going to start staring at tits, who’s going to punch me in the head? I’m the nicest guy in the world, I’m with two spastics. So, I start staring at tits, then this big, fat arsed woman walks by, with just bikini bottoms on, with her tits hanging out, walks by. One of the lads, turns to the other one, and over the course of five minutes, but I’ll speed it up for you … goes: there’s one for you mate. It’s a lovely joke, it’s a joke that we have all enjoyed, everyone has done that joke with their friend, gone: “that’s your wife, that is” and we’ve all had a good laugh. It’s not a great joke, but, you know what I found heartwarming, and inspiring, about that? This guy, can’t wipe his own arse, yet he’s to good for the fat chick. The human spirit my friend.

Now, who’s watched me getting punched, on the internet? It’s a lot of fun I will now endeavor to tell you the actual story, of why this happened. A lot of people have written to me in the past, if it had really happened to me, or if it was fake, it was completely real. What happened was, I was in a comedy club in Manchester, “The Comedy Store” it was about 450 people. There was a woman up on the balcony, that kept heckling, and heckling…. and I put it down, I put it down…. And, then eventually I went: “I’m going to leave you alone now, like you’re dad did.” And then I went: “it’s a shame your grandfather, never did.” I know, funny, right? Anyway, there was a guy on this side of the room, who I assumed had some issues with his grandfather and he took some umbrage on what I said, and decided, he was going to punch me in the head. But he was an Irish bloke, so he had a full drink. So, he waited until he finished his drink, and then punched me in the head. But, he never yelled anything out, he just put his drink down calmly, and went “well, all right, I’m going to fucken smack him.” Now, when he hit me, I was in the middle of my cunt material, so for me, this was a very odd moment, for a man to punch me in the head. Now, I’m going to do the cunt jokes for you now, so you know the mindset I was in, when this happened. Starting like this: women to me are like public toilets, they’re all dirty, except the disabled ones. Every single man in this room will admit to being a bad shag, from time to time, whether it be through, alcohol, fatigue, or just not giving a shit. There’s no woman in this room who thinks they’re bad in bed, and you want to know what, most of you fucken are. The reason you don’t know this, is because no man’s ever told you this, because is we tell you, you’ll run off and cry, because your spirits are weak. Just because I come, doesn’t mean you’re doing a good job. I’m going to come anyway, sometimes I come, so you stop whatever the fuck you’re doing down there, with your nails, and your teeth, just put it in your mouth, and be a fucken man about it. I’ve been down on women, I made them cum and then you get that one woman, she’s not coming. She looks at you like it’s your fault. It’s not my fault, your cunt’s broken. When I was at university, I fucked a chick, and all her friends walked past me and did that, and woman think that’s the funniest joke in the world. Well, that’s not funny, that’s hurtful. Next time you think about doing that, imagine you fuck a guy, and all of his mates walk past you, and go… you’d never do that again, and you think by doing something like this, you’re teaching me something I don’t already fucken know? I’m well aware I’ve got a small dick, I’ve measured it I know how big my dick is to the millimeter, but, does any woman in this room, truly know the size of their cunt? None of you, and none of you will ever know for sure, because no man’s going to tell you, because we’re good people. I know what you’re thinking, “He’s not talking about my cunt, because it gets a bit sore during sex.” That means fuck all, I’ve been down on a woman for 20 minutes, it’s wide open, it’s flowing like the Murray river, I put the tip of my cock in, they go: “gentle, gentle gentle”, “I could shove my fucken head in that!” Sometimes, fat chicks have really tight cunts, that’s a bloody mystery, hey? I think it’s because all the fat’s pushing in inwards, or when you’re fucking them, your rubbing up against thighs, and never actually reach the cunt. That’s why doctors say, fat woman need to lose weight to get pregnant. And that’s when I got punched in the head.
Drop it down, start the film. What’s happening? There we go. “I think it’s because, the fats pushing it inwards Pause! Now, as you may have already realised, I’m a great fighter You may not have seen, the subtleties, of what went on there. First bunch, I blocked with my face, then I went into my crouching ninja position, allowing him to punch me in the back of the head, which is the hardest part of the human body, hurting his hand. Now, let’s tell about all the characters that are on stage at the moment the man on the ground, bent over … that’s me. I’m cowering. The one standing over me, is the man hitting me. The other man, he’s in security, he’s a punter, just like you people, who came to my aid, and I will love this man till the day I die, but not because he helped me, because, if you look in his hand, he’s still carrying his pint. He, at no stage thought he couldn’t have a fight, and drink! Now, let’s play a little bit more footage please. Stop! We have some new characters. I have already left this scene. I have walked off to the door over there, where I have entered back into the dressing room, with a black eye, where upon the other comedians are going: “How did it go?” And I went, “It could have gone better.” Now, the new people that had arrived, we have a new skinny man, who’s throwing punches, there’s a man in a black suite over there, who is the actual security, and the other lads, are just punters, who are up for a fight. It’s Manchester. Now, see the guy on the left there, he’s brilliant, because in a moment, security is going to hold the man who assaulted me and go “all right, we’ve got it all under control.” And he’s going to go: “but I’ve got a clear shot.” And, the security guys is going to go: “yeah mate, we’ve got it under control.” And, he’s going to go: “Ah, come on.” And, the security guy goes: “go on then.” Alright, so keep you eyes on him, the man on the left, both of them “I think ladies and gentleman, I think, hang on. Alright, alright, ladies and gentleman. Ladies and gentlemen, the wanker’s gone, alright.” Pause. Now, this is a security footage, so it’s very grainy and whatever, so I got given this copy of the tape, from the “Comedy Store”, after it happened. …there’s comedians having a party in one of the houses, there’s like 20 comedians there, and I come back with this bit of gold. You know, “you have to see, how fucken shit my gig was.” We put it on the player, and we all watch it, and when Tim Clark comes out and goes: “Ladies and Gentleman, the wanker’s gone”, all the comics said, in unison “but he’s coming back out” Now, I do come back out, I’m about to come back out, to a standing ovation. Now, it wasn’t that good of a gig to begin with, but what you’re really going to see, is that when I come out, some of the worst high fiving you’ve ever seen. I’m talking, I’m missing hands, I’m grabbing like… I’m not a cool guy, I just don’t have cool in me, The other day, someone game me one of them, and I grabbed their fist. I went “Hello” You’ll know what I’m talking about in a second. Play the tape. “all right, all right, that’s not going to help, really. Jim’s going to come back, and finish his set for you. So, if you don’t like it, you can go, but if you enjoyed Jim, stay, because he’s going to do another five minutes. So please .. Ladies and gentleman, to finish off, welcome back: Jim Jefferies!” Pause. It’s a weird thing, I can watch myself get punched in the head, over and over again, and I’m completely fine with it, but this … now that’s embarrassing. Now, if you watched this footage on YouTube, or whatever webpage you’ve look at it, there will be a little clip in the tape, where I will be all witty: “why did that guy come up here?”, I’ll say some funny things. That’s not what actually happened. The man who hit me, was obviously Irish, because he was yelling at me, like he was from the I.R.A. (Irish Republican Army) He kept hitting me, and when I came out, I may have said very, bigoted things about the Irish. Which I regret saying, but as a live show, I feel I should be honest with you, so you can see the exact footage, of what I said exactly. Now, I wasn’t racist, because Irish people .. it’s not a race, I was just being a bigoted cunt. You’ll understand, I’m not proud of this, but play the tape. Fucking Irish people, hey! Irish people, have to think they have the best fucking, sense of humor, in the fucking world. They think they’re so fucking delightful, don’t they? Look at me, I’m dancing just with my legs. It’s a heap of fucking shit, you Paddy cunt! You go home with them, it’s “Have a drink…. You’re in Ireland. We all fucken drink in Ireland. Have a drink…!” Just drive the bus, you fat prick! In the morning, I’ve been drinking, I’ve got a fucken headache. “You’ve got bigger boobs than me, you fat prick. !” Pause. We may have edited out that bit, as well. Not everyone, was happy to see me, come back out on the stage. Some people believe me to have, big tits, fat prick. Now, we’re not going to play the rest of the tape now, if you watch the DVD it will be on the extra features. Take my top off? See the thing is, ordinarily, I would have a witty answer, but I have recently lost some weight, so I’m not ashamed to do so. Really, is this where you’ve come? Is this how far, we’ve traveled together? You wanted to.. the street fellows, is 20 metres from here! You want to see a fat, pale Australian? Well, who am I to tell you, you can’t? That’s the biggest cheer, you’ve given me all night! I have played with my father’s vibrator… I have sucked a black cock in a toilet… I have been molested, for you people, and all you want it my skin and all you want it my skin. Well, that’s what you’re going to get… We’re wrapping up up right now, we’re going to be of here in a second. Last night, on a Friday, the room was all men, it was a great crowd last night, you’ve been good, but, they where fucken good. It was all men, angry young men, it was like testosterone city. And now, it’s couples night, it’s Saturday. On Friday, you go with the guys from work, on Saturday, you take your bird out. Obviously, she gets to choose the movie next time. I don’t imagine, that I’m some birds choice, and some guy go ”got to see Jim Jefferies, say cunt.” “As long as we can still watch, Steel Magnolias.” All I’m saying is, yesterday’s crowd, didn’t go, “Whoo..” All right, Brad, how long have we got, five minutes? Oh, we can do a bit more? All right, we don’t want to piss anyone off. Okay, does anyone know, Eddie Izzard, is on the stage, straight after me, so we can get into a bit of trouble if we run over, because, I don’t want to have the fuck beaten out of me, by a 50 year old man, in a dress. I don’t think he wears a dress anymore… I’m going to see him there in the stairs going up, he’s probably standing there. “Bit of a laugh”

All right, ok, I’m going to… should we do the single version… Okay, I’ve got to get this on tape, and you’ve probably all seen it a billion times, but I’ve got to do the egg story, ok? This is what happened yesterday, we did the… ah, I fucken undid my belt… this is what happened yesterday, we did the egg story, and it was like a rock concert, everyone was singing alone. Lets try to do it, just properly… If you know the punch lines, please do not yell them out in unison, but if you really want to, I don’t care. A couple of years ago, I was performing at the Amsterdam, Hilton, now in the basement, they have a comedy club, and I was there for two weeks. I had two days off, in my two weeks, and I found on the outskirts of Amsterdam, there’s a great big place, called the Porn Warehouse. Which is like a great, big arae dump. So, on my day off, I thought, fuck Anne Frank’s place, and I went out to the Porn Warehouse, and when I go shopping in Amsterdam, I take a little, plastic basket, with me, at Porn Warehouse, I took a trolley. It still had the kids seat, which I thought was weird. Now, I’m loading my trolley, with every bit of porn and paraphernalia I can get. I get up, towards the till, and there’s a massive wall, covered in dildos. Now, if you’re with your mates, what would you do? Sword fight! But, I was by myself, so the most I could muster, was a scene from Star Wars, with the thing. Anyway, there’s a small wall, but just as impressive, covered in, rubber vibrating vaginas. Now, whenever you’re with your mates, and you see one of those, you go: “who the fuck would use on of those, hey?” But, there’s always a bit of your brain that says, wouldn’t mind trying that, just once. So, I got myself, a Jenna Jameson, rubber, vibrating vagina. On the side of the box, it said “vibrates so, as to give realistic sensation” Realistic, if you’re fuckign a chick with parkinsons, but not realistic. Now, I’m going back to my hotel, I’ve decided, I’m going to have this wank, it’s going to be thee wank, it’s going to be the wank, that when I’ve got dementia, I’m going to be sitting in a nursing home, going “I fucked a rubber cunt!” “I fu-fu-fu-I fucked it!” So I put all my porn magazines, down one side of the bed. I put porn paratalia, got the rubber cunt out, had a vibe, I put…. Hang on, I’m going to fuck it. I put the vibrator and egg in the corner, make sure it’s plugged in, turn it on, and fuck it it felt pretty good, but I couldn’t enjoy myself, because the only thought going through my head, was: “If you die right now, this is how they’re going to tell your mom, they found you” as I’m fucking it, I don’t have a big cock or nothing, but I think the rubber cunt was faulty because the latex and the top just sort of tears, and the egg falls out the end. I’m pretty upset, because, it’s not like I can take it back to the shop, slap it on the counter and go: “Look at that!” “I bought that an hour ago”. “went home and fucked it, ” “now that cunts broken.” Now, I still had a lot of lube, I still had a lot of porn, I still had a vibrating egg, so I did what anyone in this room would do, I lubed that egg up, and shoved it up my arse. It’s now sitting up against a gland, called the prostate gland, and the male G-spot, it felt terrific, it felt so good, that I was thinking… “I’m going to shove a whole lot of things up my arse, as soon as I get back up to England!” I slap my cock a couple of times, and jizzed all over my chest… lube on my cock, an egg hanging out of my arse, broken cunt in the corner. I’ve got to tell you, I’ve looked better. Now, you know that bit of pain that goes through your soul, after you’ve had a wank, and you’ve got a bit of come on your hand, and you go, “what did you do that for? You’re a grown man.” Well, I still had and egg hanging out of my arse. Safe to say, I wanted to kill myself, so I start slapping the porn off the bed, I turn the porn off the television, and go to rip the egg out of my arse, the fucken cord snaps off. Not only does the cord snap off, the two shells of the egg, slightly break apart, and are now pinching against my colon. Now, your first thought is, “don’t worry about this Jim, you can shit this out, but your arsehole knows what shit is, and it knows what plastic egg is, and it dont fucken play cricket, in this experience.” Now, I don’t know if you all know a lot about your colons, nor should you, but they’re made up of several channels, that pump poop through. Now, I’ve lubed up, this finger, and this thumb, and I’ve gone up my arse, after the egg, but every time, I pushed it further, and further….up my colon. It’s now upto channel 5, and we all know how shit that is. My next thought, was to go get a whole lot of high fiber food, and make my pooh really solid, and push it out with the pressure. Very similar to how, Augustus Gloop, got stuck in the chocolate tube, in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. working with a Wonka method at the time, with an Umpalumpa with a punjion. Now, we have to get going, so let’s just jump forward, to day number 3. I decided, if it was up my arse for another day, I was going to go to hospital. My biggest fear is, going to hospital in a foreign country, with my accent, and going : “you’ll never guess, what’s happened to me, mate.” But being in Holland, there’s a good chance he will go: “You’ve got an egg up your arse.” “Go join the que with the other Australians.” On day number three, I had a Chinese dinner, and I kept my chop sticks I’ve gotten back to the hotel, I’ve bent over, at this moment, I thought to myself: “You probably should have gone, to the Anne Frank museum.” I put one chopstick, on top of the egg, in a crowbarring fashion, the other chopstick, I used to widen the hole, in one motion, I snapped this egg out of my arse followed by, two feet of shit! It was at this moment, I thought to myself… “Should have done that in the bathroom.”

That’s it, we’ve got to get out of here, ok… well thank you very much for coming, ladies and gentlemen, I believe that, if you’re on the guestlist, there’s a bar downstairs, it’s not for everyone but fuck it, we don’t have to be on the guestlist. We don’t have to go to the bar, we can all just walk out as a unit. We can just terrorise some fucken kids in the street, who bother you at the station, and go “Fuck you, you little cunt, I got 300 middle age people, come over here.” I want to do sluts and studs, but I can’t… Right, right, right, we’ll finish with this joke.
Okay, I’ve got this new theory right. Every Time a woman sleeps with a lot of men, she’s called a slut, but if a man sleeps with a lot of woman, he’s called a stud, and people have always said, this is unfair I’m here to tell you, it’s completely fare! I’ll tell you why, cause it’s fucken easy to be a slut, it’s fucken hard, to be a stud. There are, fat, ugly, sluts out there. There are no, fat, ugly studs. I have met slutty dwarfs, I have never met a stud dwarf! maybe in their own community, but none that have ever crossed over! To be a stud, you have to be, good looking, charming, a good liar, with a fake job! To be a slut, you just have to be there! I’ll tell you a story, I knew this girl… I went out with her, and her biggest claim to fame, was that, she went backstage, and fucked an entire member of a very famous band, there was like 5 of them, and she fucked all of them. I said, “why did you do that for?” And she goes, “Well, they’re my favorite band, so I let them.” That is the privilege, of the slut, right there. I can’t go back stage, at a girls allowed concert, and go: “I loved the last album, do what you want, except the ginger one, get me a fucken beer.” Ladies and gentleman, thank you very much, seriously, bye, bye!

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