The Chainsmokers and your host — Louis C.K. [ cheers and applause ] ♪♪♪ ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K. ♪♪♪ >> Thank you very much, yes, that’s right. That’s appropriate.
Here’s a joke. Why did the chicken Cross the road? Because there is a black guy walking behind him. And he was nervous. He was new to the city, this chicken, and he was like “I feel like he is following me.” But then he thought if I cross the road, then if he crosses the road, he definitely following me. So he crosses the road. The black guy went home, he’s just living his life. And the Chicken is like “I’m such a racist.” he felt bad. About a month later a black guy ate the chicken. Different black guy. I’m just telling you what happened. By the way, this joke Is not racist. Don’t be afraid. This is not a racist joke. The chicken was racist. The chicken was definitely — but that’s chickens. Chickens are very, sort of, closed down, Sort of suspicious, prejudice people. You kind of can’t blame them considering that their species murder rate is 100%. That’s why chickens are like — no friendly chickens. You Can feed the same chicken every day. I know what you want, you black son of a bitch, I’m not coming over there. I’m not in your soup yet, you jew.
I like animals. I like wondering about animals. I like wondering what they are thinking. You can ask about any animal and the conversation is over. I wonder if animals are aware of their lives. Like, is a giraffe up there going, “whoa!” it’s too high! Hey, horse. Horse! >> what, man? >> look at my neck! That’s why horses make that nose. You are near a horse and he does that, That’s because you suck.
Does a moose look different when it’s surprised? Did you see a moose? They have this — I saw a moose once in person. Or in moose. Maybe I was projecting because I was like oh, My gosh, a moose and he was going oh, my god, I’m a moose! Every moose looks like a dude who got turned into a moose before you looked at him.
I was thinking of buying a goat. Because I want to have a trash can that I can make love to. That’s why I’m going to buy a goat. I can do that with a trash can I have now, but I Don’t have a vagina. That makes it better. I don’t care that you are upset. I’m still getting the goat.
I love doing this. Stand-up comedy. I have been doing it for 32 years now. It’s been going great for four years, 28 years it was a struggle. But you know what, I was happy when I was struggling. I was. Because when your life sucks, it just sucks and you live it. When it gets better, you start getting unhappy. Then you’re upset. That’s what happens. Like, now I stay in beautiful five-star hotels and I’m miserable. I used to stay in motels. Not even like a nice — like a motel 6. That would have been great. Like a not even a Name. Just motel. Like they built it and one guy is like “what should we name it?” the other guy is like, “what?” last time you took a dump, did you name it? You know those motels on the highway and you say, who is inside of that? Right on the highway. Like, the door opens onto the highway and a truck takes the door –. And when you get in the shower, you are dirtier now. They give you soap and you have to peel oust paper and it makes a rash. You can write your name in skin disease with the soap. And there’s always two beds and one bed has a big pool of sperm right in the middle of it. Just a big deep pool with a current. High tide at the sperm pool! Where’s the boat? I stayed in, like, in motels like that for years and I was happy. Because what are you going to do? Complain to the motel? What are you going to call the front desk? “I want to speak to the manager.” “well, he’s dead. Somebody duct taped him to a chair and shot him in the head because he owed him $15.”
Now I stay at beautiful 5 stars hotels and I’m miserable because I don’t like the fancy hotel stuff. They tie your bathrobe into a swan and I don’t like it when you call room service they say a long flowery hello before you talk about food. You call down to room service, they’re like, “hello, this room service –” [ uninteligible ] I hate it. Stop it! I never let them finish. It’s like, “hello, room service –” stop, stop, stop! Thanks, I’d like some coffee! I’m mean. You stay in the hotels and you are used to it and one time my laundry wasn’t there. So I called housekeeping. Now they don’t answer the phone all fancy at housekeeping. This is how she answers the phone, she goes, “hello?” and I actually said this to her, I said, “do you want to try that again?” yeah. I’m telling you things about me. I was like, “did I reach you on your personal phone today?” so she said — she goes, “what do you need, sir?” and I said, “well, I gave you my laundry yesterday.” she said “you didn’t give it to me.” I was like, oh, my god, I’m so excited about how mad I get to be now. I said, “I gave my laundry to your department and I was promised. Like it’s in the constitution that you get your laundry. It’s been longer than 24 hours. She said, “what do you want me to do about it?” so I said, “okay, listen, first of all, you can hear in my voice that I’m white.” And by the way, I’ll defend that right now. I’ll defend that. Because look, it’s wrong that white people get preferential treatment. It’s wrong. But as long as they do, what’s going on at this hotel? I’m supposed to get the best because I’m white which is awful and wrong, but where is it right now? So she gets sick of me and she says, “do you want to speak to a manager?” I said yes. So the manager comes on, “hello? It’s Ned –” [ uninteligible ] I said, “I am very upset!” she was like, “oh, I’m so sorry, white sir. What happened today?” I said, “I don’t have my laundry.” he said, “aah!” he said, “I’m going to conduct an investigation.” I was like, “yes, that’s a very white thing. I want a white investigation into my laundry.” So he said “I will call you back in five minutes or less.” So I’m waiting in my room like — so he calls me back later, he says, “sir, I looked into the matter and I have one question. Are you certain you gave us laundry?” as soon as he said that I was like, “I did not give you”
We have a great show tonight. The Chainsmokers are here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.