Ladies and gentlemen, The one and only, The emperor of comedy… Sir Eddie Griffin
I want to fuck Michelle Obama. I need her on my team. I’m waiting on Obama to fuck up. That nigga slip up, I’ma slide right in. What’s happening, Michelle? You like comedy? That’s some fine chocolate motherfucker. You understand me? I didn’t vote for Obama because of him, I voted because of her. This is the first first lady that is fuckable. ‘Cause you didn’t want to fuck daddy Bush’s wife. She look like she jumped off the dollar bill. Look at that! That’s George Washington! And you didn’t want to fuck George Jr. ‘s wife. She look like the mama on Damien: Omen. Every time I see her face, all I hear is… Look like the bitch head about to spin around at any moment. And I don’t think you wanted to fuck Hillary either. I don’t think Hillary like dick. She wear more pantsuits than a brother at a funeral. Now here’s how I know Obama got some pimp in him. All right? Remember when Hillary was running against him? She talking all that shit about Obama. Obama got the job. He gave her a job. That’s pimpin’. And what was the job he gave her? Secretary of state. And what was the secretary of state’s job? Stay out of the country. He banished that bitch to foreign lands. And the happiest motherfucker about it is Bill Clinton. You know Bill at home, “Thank you, Obama. I can get my dick sucked every day. ” Now I knew Obama… I knew he had some nigga in him…. You know, ’cause at first, you couldn’t tell. But one day, it jumped out of him. Y’all remember that day him and George Bush was walking outside the White House …and his swag was on 250? I’m sitting at home. I said, “that brother’s a pimp. ” You could damn near hear the conversation. “Hurry up and get your shit out my house. “Take your punk ass back to Texas. You bitch!” ‘Cause at first, I thought Obama was an African-American. And white people, I know y’all think all black people the same. We just like you white folks. You got different kind of white folks. You got honkies, you got crackers, you got rednecks, you got white guys. Black people the same way. You got black folks. “Just don’t want to be bothered. ” You got old negroes. “I sure wish slavery’d come back. Massa was so good to us. ” And you got african-americans. “I graduated from college Cum da-lada. ” And then you have niggas. Which I happen to be a member of. BULLSHIT! Translation: NIGGER! “Pull over… ” NIGGER! And Obama, here’s how I really knew he had hood in him. He threw a barbecue… at the White House… He invited the NBA, the NFL, every rapper. I think I was the only nigga that wasn’t there. You know white people was sitting at home, “My god! It’s all over! The niggers are barbecuing! They’re licking their fingers! They got collard greens and black-eyed peas. ” Here’s how I really knew he was from the hood. He put a swing set… I don’t think y’all heard me. He put a swing set on the white house lawn. That’s some nigga shit! He got enough money and power to send his daughters to Disneyland every day. He said, “Fuck that. Put that swing set outside that window so I can keep my eye on they little ass.”
‘Cause black people, we watch our kids. I’m talking to you, white folks. I’m tired of seeing y’all kids on my milk carton. You know, you just trying to pour some milk on your cereal And there’s always that little white face with he caption underneath it. “Have you seen me?” No, I ain’t seen your little ass! And how come your parents don’t know where the hell you at? You ain’t never seen little brothers and sisters on a milk carton, ’cause if you did, they’d be posing. ‘Cause I remember when we was coming up- And black people, back me up on this. When we was coming up, remember your parents tell you, “You can play to the end of this block. ” Remember? That’s as far as your ass go. Ain’t no going out to the woods. And I remember my mama told me, “If you go any further, I’ma fuck you up. ” I remember one day, me and my partner Don Junior, we kicking it, right? We get up to the corner. Boom, boom. They like, “Ed, come on. Let’s go on the next block. Let’s see what’s over there. ” Boy, I was nervous. That’s when you look down to see if your mama on the front porch. My mama looking me dead in the eye. I couldn’t hear her, but her mouth said… My uncle Bucky had his pistol. He’s like, “I can shoot your ass from here. ” I’m like “Uh, you know, uh”-… They like, “You ain’t going, Ed?” I’m like, “Nah, man. You know, I caught a charlie horse.” You know, ’cause I ain’t trying to look like no punk, man. “I got a horse, you know?” They like, “Aww, you a bitch-ass nigga. ” I said, “I’ll be the bitch today. I’d rather fight both of y’all than take one ass-whooping from her. See ya!” My mama beat me out of the penitentiary. As y’all can see, I’s free And obviously, y’all parents whooped y’all out the penitentiary, ’cause y’all here. We’s free! Them two brothers I’m talking about locked up right now. ‘Cause pain give you a memory of what not to do. You understand me, your partner be like “Come on, Ed, let’s rob this liquor store. ” “I ain’t going. I’m cool right here.”
Now they got this brother, Eddie Long. Oh, don’t “ooh” me. I didn’t make the shit up. Y’all seen the story. And, you know, at first, I had to give the brother the benefit of the doubt. You know what I mean? I’m like, “No. Black preachers don’t fuck little boys. ” That’s the difference between a white church and a black church. White churches fuck your son. Black church fuck your wife. God gave that motherfucking preacher the right last name. LONG. And he tried to defend himself. He spoke for about 35 minutes. Not once did he say, “I didn’t do it.” All he said is, “I got five rocks and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” I said, “that’s the gayest shit I ever heard in my life. ” He didn’t say, “I got five bullets. I’m about to bust a cap. ” That guy: “I got five rocks, and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” And did you see how he threw the mic down? I don’t go to church. God don’t live in church. They say the body is the temple. I’m walking to church right now. Soon as you go to church, there’s somebody trying to stick a dick in you, and they need some money. Every war in humanity’s History has been over some kind of motherfucking religion. You know what I mean? I don’t get caught up in that bullshit ’cause I don’t think God ever wrote a Bible or a Qur’an. He didn’t have to write no shit. He ain’t no playwright. It’s written in your essence, ’cause the Bible was written by men. The book of Peter. The book of John. The whole book about Jesus, but that nigga ain’t wrote one book. The motherfucker that it’s about didn’t write shit. All the hang-outs wrote a book. “Shit, I know the nigga, nigga. ” And you notice in each one of ’em book, they the closest one to Jesus. Peter like, “Me and Jesus was tight.” In John’s book, “Shit, I was damn near the nigga’s daddy. You know. ” God didn’t write no book. It’s written in your essence. Nobody ever had to tell you it’s wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowing that. Which means you born knowing right and wrong, so put the book down, ’cause it will fuck you up. It starts out messed up in the beginning. In the book of genesis, “In the beginning, there was Adam and Eve, and Adam and Eve had two sons, Cain and Abel. And Cain and Abel got married. ” To who?! Where did these mystery bitches come from?! I like messing with Christians, man. ‘Cause they easy to get… I don’t believe Jesus died on the cross. Sacrilege! Wait a minute, he could walk on water, feed 1,000 with a loaf of bread… raised the dead… But you telling me he couldn’t handle three nails? I know brothers with nine bullet wounds still walking around. His name is 50 CENT! I bet you Jesus was a cool kid…. His mama be like, “Now, Jesus, go on in there and take a bath and don’t be walkin’ on your water. ” He in there… That’s probably why they invented the shower, just to get the nigga wet. Look at some of the Christian heads in here. “You going to Hell. “Don’t be talking ’bout Jesus, Eddie. Don’t be talking ’bout him. ” You know how Jesus whistle? You know, with the hole in the hand. Look, y’all really like, “Nigga, that’s it. The lightning’s coming. ” Christians always the first one to want to send somebody to Hell. “You going to Hell. ” How the fuck you know? Like God came down. “Uh, let that nigga know he going to Hell. I’m kind of busy right now. ” You know what I mean? I’m made in my heavenly Father’s image. If I got a sense of humor, that mean God got one. God probably up there cracking up right now. “Hey, Jesus, come here! That crazy nigga I made is on! “He talking about you, boy. He said you walk on your bathwater. “He said you whistle like this…. ” “Ah, don’t get mad. That shit was funny. It was funny. ” See, I’d be a Muslim, but the Muslim faith, they too strict. You know what I mean? You can’t smoke no weed. You can’t get your dick sucked by a bitch that ain’t your wife. Matter of fact, you can’t see your wife’s face until you marry her. They keep ’em veiled up. All you get to see is the eyes. You really got to love that bitch’s eyes. You be like, “Damn. She got some pretty eyes. ” Then you marry her ass, the veil come off. No wonder they get 20 wives. You playing the law of averages. I’m telling you, I think Christians are jealous of Muslims, ’cause you ain’t gonna out-devout a Muslim. That’s the most devout faith you’ll ever run into. A Muslim will strap a bomb on they self and blow they self up about some Muhammad. Ask a Christian to put a bomb on and blow they self up about Jesus. “Naw, He wouldn’t want me to do that. ” “He just blessed me with this house. I’m sure He wants me to live in it. ” Everybody fighting over this religion shit. You understand me? The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. The Muslims say it’s Muhammad. I say, “Who gives a fuck who the messenger is? Did you get the message?” They got the same damn message. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Science proves that to be a fact. For every action, there’s an opposite and equal reaction. Don’t fuck with me, and I won’t fuck with you. I’ll tell you somebody who needs Jesus right around now. Tiger Woods. What I like about tiger, he kept it golf. He had 18 hos. One for every hole of golf. Now, here’s where Tiger messed up. Now, fellas, I want y’all to look at the woman sitting next to you that you brought here. Look at her right now! Now, you see how fine she is? Don’t ever fuck nothing uglier than her. You don’t fuck down. You fuck up. You fuck a woman uglier than your woman, she gonna be madder than a motherfucker. “Nigga, I know I look better than that bitch! Nigga, what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?” That’s when they go crazy. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I look better than that bitch! What’s wrong with me?” You fuck a bitch that’s finer than your woman, she gonna act like she mad, but she can’t get mad. She gonna look at him like, “Shit, I didn’t know that nigga could catch that. I’ma have to step my game up. ” Rich black man and white woman don’t go together. Ask O. J., Kobe, Tiger woods. It ain’t no good. ‘Cause white women will set your ass up. See, everybody think a sister is the strongest motherfucking woman on earth. To an extent, that is true, but at least a sister will let you know up front. “Nigga, I will fuck you up. ” You know what you dealing with. White women… sneaky. “Really?” “Is like that, Tom?” She get on the phone. “Hello? Officer?” “He raped me… ” White women play victim quick than a motherfucker. But that white man gotta learn from you white women. See, when that white man get mad, he get mad. You know, brothers, we get mad, we march “We shall overcome…” You know, we get a good March in, Misspell signs, we gone. That white man get mad, he snap. You know, white women like, “I’m taking the kids. I’m taking the house. We’re gone. We’re out of here, you asshole. ” That white man be like this. “I came from a long line of brookshires. You’re not gonna take my seed from me, Guinevere. ” Now, here’s the one sentence that white man got for they ass. “Over my dead body. ” And that motherfucker mean that shit. “Over my dead body”. I’ll kill you. Then I’ll kill the kids. I’ll burn the fucking house to the ground, then I’ll do myself. ” Brother can’t even try that shit. Sister be like, “Nigga, I’m leaving you. ” “I’ma kill you”. “You killing who? Let the killing begin, motherfucker! Nigga be like, “I’m just playing, girl. I’m just playing. You know I’m joking with you, girl. You know I’m joking with you. We don’t even get to the part of burning the house down and the kids. They always try to make it like everybody’s after the white woman. You look at the movies. King kong after the bitch. You all know damn well this is a nigga story… The big old gorilla… He had all them fine African sisters and one white woman and lose his mind. That’s why they call it “Jungle fever”. That motherfucker Kong got that white bitch. Nigga, he picked her up. Just blowing on the ho. “I got my white bitch! I got my white bitch!” They took his white bitch. That motherfucker swam to New York. They took the bitch up on a building. “Where’s my white bitch? I need my white bitch!” They got some new kind of white women now. You know, I’m in my 40s. You know, I remember when all white women had straight backs. You know what I mean? No ass. Just a long back. You know, you could lay ’em down, get a good crease in your pants. Now they got some ass on ’em. I don’t know what you white women are eating, but keep it up. ‘Cause they’d be walking down the street. ¶ ga-gonk ga-gonk ¶ “You got competition, Laqueisha. ” ‘Cause, you know, every city I go to on tour, there’s always the brother with the white woman. Now, brothers, let me ask y’all something, ’cause I see a couple of y’all here with your white women. Why, when y’all get a white woman, y’all get the ugliest white bitch in town? And be walking proud with ’em. “Yeah, this is mine. ” Holding hands and shit. You know what I mean? Brothers don’t even hold hands with they own sister. You know what I mean? You watch a brother walking down a street. Sister be behind ’em. “I’m with you. ” “Come on. Keep up. ” Nigga get a white woman, act like he hit the jackpot. “Yes, I got her. ” But when you see a white man with a sister… Oh, they get the baddest sister they got in town. Oh, white boys don’t fuck around. When they get a sister, they get a sistah. And they be walking, holding hands. “Goddamn right I got her. ” “I’m gonna teach her how to Riverdance. ” Nothing against you white people. Y’all just different. You know how them motherfuckers say they don’t like black people, right? And the ones that I’m talking about, I’m talking about you. Not all white people. There’s some cool motherfuckers. You’re here. Obviously, motherfucker, you’re here. But you know the ones I’m talking about, them motherfucking racist sons of bitches. “I don’t like black people. ” Well, why you lay out in the sun and try to become black? You don’t see black people laying out in the moonlight trying to lighten up. Like, “brother, what you doing?” “Nigga, I’m trying to get that prince tone. Morris day up in this bitch. ” Be happy to be white, white folks. Y’all ain’t even white, Really. Y’all colored. Y’all should all join the NAACP. Nationa Association For Advancement of Colored People You understand me? ‘Cause y’all colored people. Only white people can turn red when they mad. Look at ’em. They blush. They’re a little pink. When you hit ’em, they blue and purple. SAN DIEGO. SAN FRANCISCO. SAN JOSE. Nigga! You motherfuckers. I don’t. If I’m in that second set, I would have been like, “Hey, hey, hold the fuck up. “Them was your black belts.” “My shit is orange!” “You the teacher. Teach!” “Now, if you whoop his ass, I’ll keep taking your class.” “If not, I’m about to study with that motherfucker.” I’m Eddie Griffin. Y’all been wonderful. Good night, Oakland, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen, The one and only, The emperor of comedy… Sir Eddie Griffin