Recorded in 1991 at the Centaur Theatre during the annual Just for Laughs Comedy Festival in Montreal, Canada
Aaaah, it’s great to be here, it really is. I love my job and I love being here, performing for you. And I love my job, it’s the greatest job in the world for one very simple reason, and it’s not that sharing of laughter ‘n all that horse-shit. Aah… it’s the fact that I don’t have a boss, ha, ha, ha, ha… picture that if you will. And then envy me because, every job I ever had with a boss man always harassed, you know: “Hicks! How come you’re not working?” I go: “There’s nothing to do” “Well, you pretend that you’re working” “Why don’t you pretend I’m working? Yeaah, you get paid more than me, you fantasise. Pretend I’m mopping, knock yourself out. No, pretend they’re buying stuff: We can close up! I’m the boss now, you’re fired. How’s that for a fantasy my friend? Ah! You like that? Good”
I don’t know… I’ve got a bad attitude man. I don’t have a bad attitude, I’ve got a great attitude, I’ve just got a classic face that… I don’t know what’s wrong with my face, but people I don’t even know walk up to me out of the blue and go: “What’s wrong?” “…Nothing…?” “Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile” “Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone? Yeah, really. So why don’t you get out of my face… …and watch me fucking really start smiling, ha, ha, ha, ha…!” “I hate you”
So, I’m up here ‘n it’s Canada and I’m thinking, you know, Canada; Cold… aah, aih, aih, aih, huskies, you know and I’m wearing if you noticed the BLACK! cotton fucking turtle-neck. Because, ladies and gentlemen, apparently summertime MEANS THE SAME THING, EVEN IN THE FRENCH PROVINCES! “What are you, a fucking idiot, it’s summertime you fucking moron… D… during the wintertime the shapely girls are wearing parkas, you’re locked out!” Wearing parkas and big boots and their socks. I don’t like the summertime cause everyone goes to the beach, I don’t understand the beach. The beach, the beach, the beach… “Let’s go to the beach”, “Oh, I love the summertime, it’s so worm finally, let’s go to the beach, oooooh”… What’s the fucking deal with the beach, I don’t get it. It’s where dirt meats water, alright? Is that that fucking amazing to you? I’ve got a bathtub and an imagination, I’m staying indoors this summer. That way I can listen to music that I like. Maybe I’m just jealous man, everyone at the beach is perfect, you know; tanned, white teeth, I’ve got white skin, tanned teeth… …NOT my environment. You put me under a neon beer light, I look pretty cool… You know my problem, I’m so pale man, I take my shirt of at the beach, it’s like a fucking prism man. People are just: “Bill, put your shirt back on, we can’t find our towels!”
All these moths are bumping into me… What did moths bump into before electric light bulbs were invented, that’s what I wanna know. Well the light bulb really screwed the moth up, didn’t it? First light bulb ever turned on, billions of moths… “Hey, hey, hey, what’s the fucking deal; it’s a light bulb, chill out!” What did they do before? There’re moths on their way to the sun right now: “C’mon, it’s goanna be worth it… …Fuck it, let’s go find Hicks”
“Alright” OK I just don’t fit in man. I don’t fit in anywhere, that’s my problem. You know my problem? I watch too much news. I don’t know if you ever, ever, ever sat and watched CNN longer than, say… …20 hours in one day. I’ve got to cut that out. If you ever watch CNN headline news for any length of time it’s the most depressing fucking thing you will ever do; “War, famine, death, AIDS, homeless, recession, depression, war, famine death, AIDS…” Then you look out your window it’s just: Where is all this shit happening man? Ted Turner is making this shit up! Jane Fonda won’t sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: “By 1992 we will all die of AIDS – Read that on the air. I don’t get laid, nobody gets laid” I mean I’m writing to Jane Fonda: “Will you fuck this guy so we can get some good news please?” I wanna see a well laid Ted Turner newscast: “Hey, it’s all gonna work out – here’s sports” Some big stupid grin: “Woo, woo, ho, ha, ha, fuck, I’m getting laid right now, fucking hey!” So, I’m from the states, as you can tell by my complete lack of sophistication, but that’s o.k…. …because I’ve greased my hair ‘n I’m a little FUCKING POET, tonight, alright? I’m the little dark poet, that’s who I am. And during ah, we have this big war thing happening, I don’t know if you caught any of that, but uh… It was a very stressful time for me the war, I’ll tell you why; I was in the unenviable position of being FOR the war BUT against the troops. …not the most popular stands I’ve ever taken on an issue, I must say alright? I don’t choose wisely always and yet, I’m committed. So, first of all – this needs to be said – there never was a war. “How can you say that Bill?” Well… a war is when TWO armies are fighting… …so you see it right there… we can all agree… wasn’t exactly a war. And Bush, president Bush, complete surprise, he turned into a demon man. But when he was first president, they called him ‘the wimp – president’, I mean this was the cover of ‘Newsweek’; “WwwwwIMP – PRESIDENT” Apparently this stuck in the guy’s crow. The guy turned into a fucking demon man: “We surrender” – “Not good enough” “We’ll run away” – “Too little, too late… …we’re having WAY too much fun” Those guys were in hog heaven out there, you understand man? They had a big weapons’ catalogue opened up: “What’s G-12 dude Tommy?” “Well, it says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth. Helps us pay for the war effort.” “Well, shit, pull that one up” “Pull up G-12 please” “Cool, what’s G-13 here?” Weapons. For all occasions. And everyone got excited about the technology and I guess it was pretty incredible watching a missile fly down an air vent, pretty unbelievable, but couldn’t we feasibly use that same technology to shoot food to hungry people? You know what I mean? Fly over the Ethiopia: “There’s a guy that needs a banana!” “Thank you, thank you…” The stealth – banana. Smart fruit! And I watched the iraquian technology, man, I’ve never felt so good about myself, I look if I’ve got bell buttons in my clothes n’ go; – ” It ain’t that fucking bad man.” What was the technology they were buying, where do they, do they still, there’s available still now, where did they… they can get harder shit off the streets of New York right now man. Don’t you think that one of the key prerequisites of a weapon system is, I don’t know, the ability to aim the fucking thing? Is that, am I, is that, I don’t know a lot about the military, and yeah, I feel that would be keen. What was the scud, it was like launching a station wagon at people man. Some Buick flying through the air, some Iraqi driving: “Allaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” “Watch out, here come one of them Buick scuds. Watch out, watch out, up!, in the ocean. Those things are so hard to steer, ha, ha!” “Allah… Allah… ah, Allah?” “Allah” “Another Buick’s gone” I guess the most amazing thing about the war is obviously the disparity of casualties: Iraq – 150 THOUSAND casualties, USA… 79! Ha ha ha!!! Let’s go through those numbers again, ah, they’re a little baffling at first glance; Iraq – 150 thousand, USA… 79, 79! 79? Does that mean that if we had sent over 80 guys, we still would have won that fucking thing, what? Just one guy in a ticker tape parade: “How’d you do, hey!” Once again though, I was watching the CNN man and they blew it all man, all the anxiety. Remember how it started? They kept talking about the ‘Elite Republican Guard’ in these hushed tones, remember that? Like they where the boogieman, you know; “Yeah, we’re doing well, but we have yet to face… …the ‘Elite Republican Guard’.” Yeah, like these guys are ten feet tall, desert warriors; “NEVER LOST A BATTLE!” “WE SHIT BULLETS!” Well, after two and a half months of continuous carpet bombing and not ONE reaction at all from these fuckers, …they became simply the ‘Republican Guard’, not merely as ‘Elite’ as we may have led you to believe. And after one month of continuous bombing not one reaction AT ALL, they went from the ‘Elite Republican Guard’ to the ‘Republican Guard’ to the ‘Republicans made this shit up about there being guards out there… we hope you enjoyed your firework show. People said: “Aha Bill, Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world” Yeah, well, maybe, but you know what, after the first three largest armies, there’s a real big fucking drop-off, OK? The Hara Krisnas are the fifth largest army in the world. And they’ve already got our airports, so… …who is the greater threat? People have bugged me in the States, people said: “Hey, the war made us feel better about ourselves” “Really?” Who are these people with such low self-esteem, …they need a war to feel better about themselves? I saw them on the news waving their flags. Can I recommend that instead of a war to feel better about yourselves, perhaps… …sit-ups, maybe a fruit-cup, six to eight glasses of water a day. I’m not telling you how to live, I’m just recommending a perhaps better way to feel better about yourself. And we can avoid the conflagration, ha, ha, ha… Merely a suggestion. Take a tip?
I’m down south recently, I’m playing in a town called Fyffe, Alabama, alright? It’s right outside Spotnemberg for those you all who need a point of reference. Anyway, I’m down there in Fyffe, they want me to host their annual rickets telethon. Alright, whatever. It’s great to be able to give something back. Anyway, in this town – this is absolutely true; it was in all the papers, it was on ‘CNN’. apparently everyone in this town saw these UFO’s. Everyone in the town saw the UFO’s, Bleachee, the mayor, they all saw the fucking UFO’s, alright? And I’m curious, I ask people what it was like. “Oh, man, it was incredible, incredible. People came from miles around to look at them… A lot of people came armed.” “Excuse me? People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings?” Don’t you think there’s a point where we’re gonna drop the fucking weapons, I mean, whoa, the mother ship comes: “Ah, maybe we don’t know everything” Ouaou! They’re like some intergalactic fucking skeet shoot: Bringing shotguns to UFO sightings man, kind of gives a whole new meaning to that phrase: “You ain’t from around here, are you boy?” “Yeap, they are little green people, we call them boogers.” So I said to the guy, I go: “Why do you all bring shotguns to UFO sightings?” He says: “Well… we don’t wanna be abducted” I’m thinking: “Yeah, and leave all this? Ha, ha.” “Dude, if I lived in this town, I’d be on my hands and knees praying for abduction every fucking day, alright? And I wouldn’t be picky? Greyhound. “Abduct me” I said: “What do you mean abducted?” He said: “Well…they abduct people and they perform scientific and medical experiments on ’em” I said: “Well, maybe we’ll be lucky and it’s some type of sterility dentistry program they’ve got going… Maybe they’ll come down, castrate you, straighten your teeth and split. Sort of a ‘clean-up-the-universe’ pack.” He said: “Huh?” I’ll tell you something too that’s starting to annoy me about UFO’s the fact that they cross galaxies or universes to visit us and always end up in places like… …Fyffe fucking Alabama. Maybe these aren’t super-intelligent beings, you know what I mean, maybe they’re like hillbilly aliens. Some intergalactic jode family or something, you know. Don’t you all wanna land in New York, or L.A.? “Nah, we just had a long trip, we gonna kick back and whittle some, woo, woo, hi!” Oh my God, they’re idiots! “We’re gonna enter our motor ship in the tractor pool, woo, ha ha!” Last thing I wanna see is a flying saucer up on blocks in front of some trailer, you know. Bumper sticker on it: They’ll get my ray gun when they ply my cold dead 18 finger hand off of it!” Oh my God, we’re being invaded by rednecks! Get this! Another true story, this is gonna frighten you, cause it’s absolutely true. I’m down in that town Fyffe, after the show I go to a waffle house – I’m not proud of it, I’m hungry. I’m eating I’m alone and I’m reading a book. Waitress walks over to me… “Hey, what’s you reading for?” Is that like the weirdest question ever? I have never, ever been asked that. I mean not that ‘what are you reading?’ oh, OK you know, but ‘WHAT ARE YOU READING FOR?’ “Shit, you stumped me…. Why do I read, hm. Oh, I don’t, I don’t know… …guess I read for a lot of reasons, you know, one of them is I don’t end up being a fucking waffle waitress, alright?” Then, this trucker at the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes; “Well, looks like we’ve got ourselves a reader” “What the fuck’s going on here? Like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George outfit or something… It’s a fucking book, I read, there, I said it.” Waitress goes: “Why read when you can just flip on the tube?” “Cause it’s not the same. What do you think I’m reading, ‘Hee-haw the book?” She said: “Huh?” So, have you ever been in a waffle house and you noticed that the uh, menus has pictures of the food on it? Yeah… It is frightening to know that in many parts of our world right now, people are yelling; “Revolution, revolution”… and in other parts they are yelling: “Evolution! We want our thumbs!” It’s an insane world ‘n I’m proud to be part of it.
I do smoke and if this bothers anybody, I recommend you looking around in the world in which we live and… …shut your fucking mouth! Ha, ha, ha, ha!!! …I doubt it. How many, ah oh, oh, oh, quickly, how many non-smokers are here tonight, non-smokers, by round of applause, lets hear it non-smokers… …Good. Cause I have something I wanna tell you ‘n I’m glad you all conglomerated here tonight. Saved me some breath …which is obviously very short. I love, I’m gonna tell you non-smokers something right now that I know for a fact you don’t know and I delight in telling my brothers things they don’t know, particularly when they’re true, which this is. Ready? Non-smokers. Ready? Drum-roll…Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… Non-smokers die every day. Ha, ha, ha…. Sleep tight. You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy, …because you’ve chosen not to smoke. That may be the first to PHOOF!, pop that fucking bubble… and send you hurling back to reality… you’re dead too. And you know what doctors say: “Shit, if only you smoked, we’d have the technology to help you, ha, ha.” It’s you people dying from nothing, that are screwed. I’ve got all sorts of neat shit waiting for me: oxygen lung, tents, just like going to ‘Sharper Image’ when I die. Yeah…people say the stupidest things to you: “Hey, quit smoking, you’ll get your sense of smell back.” “I live in New York City, I don’t want my sense of smell.” “Is that urine?” “I think I smell a dead fellow” Anyone remember this? This is pretty weird? Anyone remember when Yul Brynner died, they came out with that commercial after he was dead? You remember that? “I’m Yul Brynner and I’m dead now.” “What the fuck’s this guy showing?” “I’m Yul Brynner ‘n I’m dead now, ’cause I smoked cigarettes.” Pretty scary, but they could had done that with anybody man. A guy in the States, this guy Jim Ficks, was a health nut, runner, jogger, wrote books about jogging, had a heart-attack… …while jogging and died, ha, ha, ha… They should have done that commercial with that guy; “I’m Jim Ficks and I’m dead now… …’n I don’t know what the fuck happened! I jogged everyday, ate nothing but tofu, I’m dead. Yul Brynner smoked, drunk and got laid every night of his life, he’s dead… …Shit! Yul Brynner smoking, drinking, girls are sitting on his cue ball noggin every night of his life!” But I know what you non-smokers are thinking right now; “That’s real cute Bill, that’s real cute. That’s a cute little smoking thing you just did. And we want you to keep doing in son while you still have THE BREATH LEFT IN YOU TO DO IT!” That is my big fear in life; doing smoking jokes in my act you know and then showing up 5 years from now; “Good evening everybody. Remember me? I was wrong. Smoking is real fucking bad for you. No joke!” Yeah… I’ve seen people do that, you ever seen anyone do that? Is that the spookiest fucking thing you’ve ever seen? Ever seen that, isn’t it unbelievable? If you’re smoking out of a hole in your fucking neck… I’d think about quitting. When you’re into that point, chew some gum or something, I’m not, not telling you how to live, I’m recommending; use your options. This shows a commitment I cannot fucking relate to, man. I mean, we’re beyond image at that point, I think, you know. Jesus! What’s next for that guy, you know? “I just can’t stop! It gets worse and worse every year! I’m telling you man, I can’t quiiiiiiiiiiit!!! I cannot quit smoking! They’re starting to taste like shit!” “Dude you have a cigarette in your BUTT! May I recommend nicorret gum? “I’m Bill Hicks and I’m dead now, cause I smoked cigarettes. Cigarettes didn’t kill me. A bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one night. I tried to run, they had more energy than I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing. But now I’m in heaven. Sniffing Yul Brynner’s noggin: “Snf, OOOOH, PARTY TIME!!! Snf, OOOOOH!!!” See, imagine being in heaven with Yul Brynner, being Yul Brynner right, Jim Ficks is there, we’re comparing our lives; “Hey you, remember that one night we got so fucked up, we got laid ‘n all those girls we’re fucking ’em…” “Right, that was great, ha, ha, ha, ha… … Jim, what about you?” “Ww, one night I ate too much tofu and then went jogging…” – “Yeah great, hum, anyway…” Man, I just uh, I know it’s nasty but I’m addicted alright? And they taste so good too… It’s a shame that’s secondary smoke that stinks so bad, ’cause the stuff we’re sucking up is fucking great man; Stake and potatoes… lobster… Yul Brynner’s noggin. Aou… I’m a heavy smoker, I go through about two lighters a day now and uuh…is that a lot? You can’t imagine how thrilled I was – any smoker to be – to find out that there’s a different warning on each pack. Mine saying: “Warning; Smoking may cause fetal injury, or premature birth.” “Fuck it! Found my brand.” Just don’t get the ones that say lung cancer, you know. Shop around. It is your body. “Yeah, give me a carton of low birth-weights.”
No one knows what pornography is, that’s the problem. Supreme Court of the United States says that pornography is any act that has no artistic merit and causes sexual thought, that’s their definition; “No artistic merit – causes sexual thoughts” Well, that sounds like every commercial on television to me. You know, when I see those two twins on that double mint commercial… …I’m almost embarrassed to tell you all this, uh… … I’m not thinking of gum, ha, ha, ha… “Double your pleasure…” “Yeah honey, where’s the Wrigglies, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha… I feel like chewing something… …ALL DAY!!!” Doesn’t every commercial blatantly use sex to sell a product? I believe most of them do. Here is the commercial they’d like to do, I guarantee you. We may see this one day yet, but this is the ultimate television commercial they want to do; Here’s the woman’s face – Beautiful. Camera pulls back – Naked breasts. Camera pulls back – she’s totally naked, legs apart… … two fingers right here. And it just says: “Drink Coke.” Now, I don’t know the connection here, but coke is on my shopping list this week. “S-nickerrrss!!” “Doctor pepperrrr…” No I don’t know the connection, yes I am buying these products. My teeth are rotting out of my head, I’m glued to my television; “More snickers, more coke! More snickers, more coke! I love these products… ” But you see, once again, my voice, the voice was not heard, my voice was not heard, the questions where not asked that I wanted to see asked. Once again the issue just went berserk; Pornography causes sexual thoughts. No one asked these four questions; “Yea – And – So – What?” Ha, ha, ha…. When did sex become a bad thing? D, did I miss a meeting? “Bill, we had a big vote: fucking is out, you were asleep.” “Can I still vote?” Playboy: Pornography – causes sexual thought. Penthouse: Pornography – causes sexual thought. Madonna videos: Pornography – causes sexual thoughts. You know what causes sexual thoughts? I’m gonna clear the air for you tonight, I’m gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, …because outer space awaits our presence and we are better and more unique creatures than this and uh all eternity is our playground, so let me go out and clear this one issue out once and for all and let’s move on to real issues, can we? Great. Here’s what causes sexual thought, you ready? Drum roll, bprrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr… … having a dick. Or, if you’re a woman having, you know. But whatever, I’m speaking for me tonight. And I can speak for every guy in this room tonight too! Guys, in the course of our day, ANYTHING can cause sexual fucking thought: You could be on a bus, a trolley, it’s rocking kind of… … pants are a little tight… “Oh my God, I’m getting a woody! I’m getting a woody on a bus!” What are we gonna do, ban public transportation? Before playboy, before penthouse, before pornographic movies or Madonna videos ever existed, people still had sexual thoughts, OK? “How do you know that?” “We’re here… Somebody’s been fucking! You follow your family tree back and every branch… … fucking.” Sure, what caused the way back then? Well, maybe the wagon trail ride out west; I don’t know what she has under that gingham skirt, but when we stop for water baby, we’re fucking, ha! I gotta woody on the trail, I gotta woody on the trail.” You see, they’re getting cart the before the horse on this pornography issue; Playboy does not create sexual thoughts. There ARE sexual thoughts and THEREFORE there is playboy, don’t you see? I know these sound like philosophical musings to you, what came first, the hard on, OR the Madonna video? – Aah, uuuh… … and if a hard on falls in the forest and no one’s around… … do you go blind, I don’t know. And what does an atheist scream when they cum, that’s another one too; ” Oh, chemical jinns, chemical jinns!” What, what would you, if you were an atheist, what would you yell?; “Oh fate, fate and destiny, fate and destiny!” “Chemical jinns, chemical jinns. Bing bang!” Ha, ha, ha, ha… I’m getting that close to hell, right now, hoo, hoo, hoo, it’s getting a little warm…
You know what though, I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts, are generally fundamentalist Christians, who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply? Isn’t that weird? Didn’t’ you think they’d be for things that cause sexualt houghts, you know what I mean? Maybe even a centerfold in the Bible? I don’t know: ‘Mis-Deuteronomy’ ‘Turn-offs, floods, locust and smokers’ ‘Turn-ons, myrrh’ … I don’t know what myrrh is, chicks dig it. Like if I’m a real babe, I’ve got som myrrh, ooh! I did that joke in Alabama; these three rednecks met me after the show: “Hey buddy, come here!! Hey Mr comedian, come here!” Yeah, I love that move: “Come here!” Not a physics major. I mean that’s a safe bet. “Mr funny man, come here! Hey buddy, we’re Christians, we don’t like what you said.” I said: “Then forgive me” Later, when I was hanging from the tree, I was hanging next to these lil’ green fellows. Christians who kill, aahh! , we’re about out of ideas on this planet, aren’t we? Someone likely like George Bush? or this guy, Pat Robertson, this televangelist in the State… …these are Christians for stronger nuclear armament. Oh, what a great deal of faith. Cause I know, if Jesus where here, he’d probably have an Uzi on him. Don’t you think he would, Je-, yeah he would; “THE PRINCE OF PEACE IS BACK, BUT HE’S PISSED OFF. FUCK YOU PILOT!” “I’m back. I didn’t tell you what kind of mood I was coming back in, DID I FUCKERS? , ha, ha, ha, ha, ha” “You all, it’s Jesus, he’s back, but he’s pissed! He’s yelling something about the cross, I didn’t catch it…” Jesus! You know, I don’t know what you all believe ‘n I don’t really care, but you have to admit, beliefs are odd. A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. D’ you think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It’s kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a little sniper riffle pinned in, you know: “How are you Jackie, we’re just thinking of John. We loved him. We loved him… Yea, he was great.”
OK, it’s time for some ah, time for a question. This question I’m going to ask you is very crude…; Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs? You see a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight; “Answer him honey, go ahead and answer. Say how you feel about this right now… hey, speak up, that’s it.” The reason I ask, alright? I was with this woman this one time and she goes down there for like three seconds ‘n then she starts coming back up. I’m going: “… … unless you’re getting up to put ice in your mouth…” Anyway, without getting graphic, …she actually said to me; “I think you had enough…” … Uh?!” – “I think you had enough.” “Really? I thiiiiink… … you’re gonna know when I’ve had enough!” There’s a pretty definite ending to this. Not a lot of grey area. Fairly cut ‘n dry. But anyway, it blew my mind – and it’s all it blew – so my inquiry from audiences; Why people – ‘n I’m not asking women – why people in general don’t do everything with their lover? I can’t, I can’t conceive that odd standard? I hear complaints on both sides… But why – let’s just, pss, get more specific – you ladies don’t do, won’t, I mean won’t, I mean don’t and not all of you, but why won’t you do that to your guy? I mean, to make the, I don’t know the… …FOCAL POINT OF YOUR EXISTENCE WHILE ON THIS PLANET? You know what I mean; I mean why won’t you want to do that EVERY SECOND YOU’RE AWAKE? I mean eh, you know, why don’t…you know. I don’t understand why you just…you know. Actually, uh, a woman one night yelled: “Yeah, did you ever try it?” I Said “Yeah… …almost broke my back.” It’s one vertebra, I swear to God, it’s that close. . I think that vertebra is gonna be the next thing to go in the next revolutionary step. Just a theory and a fervent PRAYER! And now all the guys are going: “Honey I have no idea what he’s talking about. I think he’s a devil-child.” That may be true but guys… …yyyyyyyyyyou know what I’m talking about. I can speak for every guy here in this room tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you would be in this room alone right now, …watching an empty stage. Boy, my folks are proud of me! “Bill, honey, are you still doing that ‘suck your own cock’ bit?” “Yeah mom.” – “Good baby, that’s such a crowd pleaser. How clever you to come up with this ‘suck your own cock’ bit honey. So clever it makes your mama bossum swell with pride, knowing her son is travelling the world using his given surname, …going out in front of rooms of total strangers and doing the ‘Suck your own cock’ piece.” “Thanks mom.” – “No biggy.” So I ask this woman who said that ‘did you ever try it?’ “So let me ask you; why won’t you like to do that to your guy?” “Because it’s disgusting.” Disgusting? Well, that’s a little harsh. And also a double standard – cause you know what? – I’ve never heard you ladies say it’s disgusting… when we’re down between your legs? no way…; “Oh, this is so gross… I’m gonna throw up. Oh, don’t put your finger in my, that’s rude!” I’ve NEVER heard that. And again, maybe I can’t hear it, because your thighs are clamped; “Oh, I hope she’s enjoying that. I’m getting a headache down here! Yeah, I feel like drinking a coke too.” “Bill honey, are you still doing that ‘eat the pussy’ piece?” “Yeah mom.” – “Great… You know son, many people at Sunday school asked me when you’re gonna be performing in the area. Bill they all are so curious to see the material you’re doing now and they’re aaaaaaaaaaall sure they wanna see… the ‘suck your own cock’ bit, followed by the ‘eat the pussy’ sketch!” “Bill, I only wish your grandparents were still alive. If only you hadn’t to put them in that Chuck Norris film, baby. I wish to God your grandparents could see their grandson on stage, using his given surname… …performing the ‘suck the own cock’ bit, plus the ‘pussy eating’ sketch.” “Maybe they’re hearing it in heaven mom.” “Son, is there anyway I can ask you to type up the ‘suck your own cock’ bit, so I can pin it to your grandmother’s headstone?”
See I just don’t agree with everything I hear just because I hear it over the TV. Sometimes I’ve gotta ask myself what I feel about things. That way I can get a close reading of what’s true. Drugs have done good things for us, that’s my belief; drugs have done good things for us. Hard to believe I’m saying this, DRUGS have done good things for us. “What do you mean Bill?” Well… …if you don’t believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favour then. Go home tonight, take all your albums, your tapes and your CD’s… and burn them. Cause you know what? The musicians who made that great music that has enhanced your lives throughout the years… …real fucking high on drugs, ok? It’s true. The Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes man. Tell me they weren’t partying; “We all live in a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a y…” We, we what, we all live in a yellow sub – you know haw fucking high they were? They had to pull Ringo of the ceiling with a rake to sing that fucking song; “Tom, get Ringo, he’s in the corner. Pull him down! Ouaou, look at him scoop, grab him. Look at him scoop? Ringo, come down. Yoko’s gone, we can party again.” They were real high, they wrote great music, drugs had a positive effect, they did. You cannot deny the fucking music, can’t deny it, can’t deny it. Ok, uh look, just look at it in another way then; These musicians today who don’t do drugs and in fact speak out against them – “We rock against drugs!” – … …Boy, they suck, ha, ha, ha….!! Ball-less, soulless, spiritless little corporate fucking puppets, suckers of Satan’s cock each and every one of them. “We rock against drugs, cause that’s what George Bush would want.” “We’re rock stars who sell Pepsi-cola products.” “We’re rock stars who sell Taco-Bell products.” Let me tell you something right now and you can print this in stone and don’t you ever forget it; Any, ANY performer that ever sells a product on television is – for now and all eternity – removed from the artistic world. I don’t care if you shit Mona Lisas out of your ass on cue; you’ve made your fucking choice. “Oh, come on, it’s just, it’s just a good product ‘n it’s just making a good…” “Shut that big scaly pecker now. SHUT IT!”
Here’s my point and man I knew I had a point again, I keep having points tonight, what’s the deal? It’s odd how people think and people get away with it, I don’t get it. Last year in the States, I don’t know if you’ve ever heard this story? this was a great one, I love this one, this kills me. You know the story about the two kids that were big fans of this group Judas Priest… …and they committed suicide? And the parents of these two kids sued the band, Judas Priest? Ok, first of all, two kids, big fans of Judas Priest, commit suicide… Ouaou… two less gas station attendants in the world, you know. What? I don’t mean to sound cruel here, but I don’t think we lost the cancer cure here, you know? Look, there’s gonna be no delays in the shuttle launch because of this, you understand? They weren’t an intricate part, I know, “Bill, you sound so cruel”, fuck them they were idiots, get it? Ok. But the point is, they tried to prove that there are subliminal messages on these albums, telling you to kill yourself… Let me ask you a quick question-which by the way failed to come up at the trial which they had-; “WHAT PERFORMER WANTS HIS FUCKING AUDIENCE DEAD?” I don’t get the long term gain here. What are these guys in the band thinking? “I’m fucking sick of it, I’m fucking sick of it! Sick of it, sick of it!!” “What are you sick of?” “The whole fucking thing…; Touring, making $40000 a night, …free drugs, free booze, stretched limos, penthouse suites, …groupies blowing me dawn to dusk. I’m in a rut and I want out.” “And then we have a little show’s coming up” “I know, it sucks… …unless… Ian, Nijo, come in! Oh shit Nijo get in. Ian, come down! I’ve had an idea, let’s kill the fucking audience. Nijo, go get a soccer ball, Ian, come here… …we’re going to kill them, and then we can get back to our day jobs. We can sell shoes again” Why would they fucking do that? Why would the band do that? WHY? “Because it’s not a band Bill, Mr. dressed in black, say fuck every other word out of your mouth, cynical humanist you… … It’s the devil!” “Oh, well that’s different.” The devil. That, that still exists that concept, really, does that really exist, you know, the devil? The devil really exists, does it really yo? Well tell me something? what could oppose God’s will? Nothing, could it, xaxaxaxaxa, there goes the light bulb of realization. NOTHING COULD OPPOSE GOD’S WILL!! NOT, NOTHING!! What about my will, nah, nah…NO!! OK Remember a few years ago, remember a few years ago, as if you played albums backwards there where satanic messages, now they’re subliminal. Ain’t it nice to know Satan’s keeping up with all these new, technological achievements, …what a little busy beaver he is! I picture him at a Radio Shack, every Monday morning: “What new things do you have for me today?” Remember that a few years ago you played albums backwards there was satanic messages. Let me tell you something, if you ever sat around playing your albums backwards… …you ARE Satan. Don’t look any further. And don’t go ruining my stereo to prove a fucking point. “Come here, listen, listen.” “Can you hear that?” “Satan is lord, Satan is lord, yeah, it’s crystal clear, check this out!” “It’s almost like he’s in the room or something.” “Aaaah, you’re Satan, hahaha oooh!” Satan: Destroyer of needles, ruiner of stereos! “I am Satan and I’ve come to destroy high fidelity music. You all listen to A tracks.” “Aaaah, the deceiver!” ‘Cause I have news for you – I live in the states, a very puritanical place, full of superstition and ancient, ANCIENT religions that no longer serve their function on this planet, …because they’re based on fear instead of love. But, ah… they say R&R is the devil’s music. Well, let’s say that it is, I’ve got news for you; let’s say that R&R IS the devil’s music and we know it for a fact to be absolutely, unequivocally true. Boy, at least it fucking jams …OK, do you hear that correctly? If it’s a choice between eternal hell and good tunes, or eternal heaven and New Kids On The fucking Block… …I’m gonna be surfing on the lake of fire, rocking out. High-fiving Satan every time I pass him on the fucking shore. ‘Cause you know, if you play New Kids On The Block albums backwards… …they sound better, you know. “Oh, com’ on Bill, they’re the New Kids, don’t pick on them, they’re so good, they’re so clean cut n’ they’re such a good image for the children.” Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don’t care if they died on puddles of their own vomit. I WANT SOMEONE WHO PLAYS FROM HIS FUCKING HEART!!! “Mummy, mummy, the man you put me on to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose” “SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO HIM PLAY!” The New Kids – “Hah, we’re the New Kids n’ we’re so good n’ clean cut…” … – you’re so clean cut”, WOW, WOW, WOW!!! “A good clean country.” WOW, WOW, WOW, FUCK THAT, I WANT MY ROCK STARS DEAD!!! I want them to fucking play with one hand and put a gun to their fucking head, going: “I hope you enjoyed the show” YES, YES!!! PLAY FROM YOUR FUCKING HEART!!! I am available for children’s parties by the way. Alright, alright, alright, alright, I’m going to, hum, hum… alright, quit it Bill, quit it. You’ve been a wonderful audience and I love you, I loved being here, you’ve been excellent, all… …has been absolutely the best thus far. All of my point is, all of my point is that there’s a lot of ways to look at the world. You know what I’m saying? Why pick the way you learn over TV – cause it’s usually wrong – ? D’ you ever see a good drug story on the news? Never. News is supposed to be objective, isn’t it supposed to be, theeeeee NEWS! BUT, every drug story is negative. Oooh, hold it! I’ve had some killer fucking times on drugs. Let’s hear the whole story. . Same LSD story every time, that we’ve all heard it; “Young man on acid thought he could fly, jumped out of a building. What a tragedy…” What a dick. If he thought he could fly, why didn’t take off from the ground and check it out first. You don’t see ducks lined up to catch elevators to fly south. He’s an idiot, he’s dead. Good! I mean, there’s one less moron in the world, wow, what a fucking tragedy aren’t it? I guess I don’t have one car linked up in traffic tomorrow. How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy, don’t you think? Anybody think that? Just once to hear a positive LSD story; “Today a young man on acid… …realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves… …Here’s Tom with the weather.” You guys are great, thank you very much. Goodnight.