Home COMEDY PATRICE O’NEAL: ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM (2011) – Full Transcript

PATRICE O’NEAL: ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM (2011) – Full Transcript

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Patrice O'Neal - Elephant in the Room (2011)

[light funk music] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] – Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m thanking one in particular– pair of titties in the front row. Thank you so much. Thank you, audience coordinator, for putting those titties up in the front row. God bless you. Those are distracting me. I was supposed to come out, ” henh. Meh. Meh, meh. Meh, yeah. Oh, y’all here? Yeh, huh, meh. [growls] You look lovely, though, by the way. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Congratulations, my friend. I’m glad y’all here. It’s very good. Yo, congratulations to you, my friend. Look at that white woman you’re with. God damn! THAT [bleep] BEHIND YOU Going, “yeah, son, I’m with my girl, ” that white woman’s amazing, isn’t she? Tell the truth! He’s with his black girlfriend, like, “naw, I don’t– ” but that, she’s high level. That’s a high-level white woman right there. That white woman is– that is– man, oh, man, oh, man! Black woman get mad at that. But that is top-shelf white woman right there. You know how you can tell how pretty a white woman is? The value? You look at her, and then you wonder how long they would look for her if she was missing. [laughter and applause] Come on, take a look. Take a look. LOOK AT THIS [bleep]. Look, look, look, look! Ooh-oooooh. I saw you look mad, sweetie. How long, if you was missin’, how long you think they would– how long you think– exac– she don’t even– she went– you know the deal. I ain’t saying nothin’ wrong. White woman’s life is valuable. What’s his name, joran van der sloot? Right? We found out he was a serial kill– man, he kills women. That’s what he do. He do it well, you know what I mean? We know the girl that he– that he, you know, supposedly had, uh– what’s the girl in Aruba? Natalee Holloway. Right? But the one– he just killed a girl in Peru. What’s her name? .. Exactly. Look how fast you said Natalee. You said Natalee! ♪ Natalee-e-e ♪ ♪ Hollowa-a-a-ay ♪ ♪ that angel ♪ y’all said that likefamily feud. A’ight, name a white girl been missing for five years in aruba. F–Natalee Holloway! .. Name a Peruvian girl that was killed yesterday. What is that big-head, third-world Peruvian bitch’s name? Has to be yorris or something goofy. Don’t get mad at yourself. I gave it to you. You saw how fast she said Natalee Holloway. Diana Ross right here said Nat– she knew her name! Ha! [hoarse feminine voice] “That white girl ” remember football players in Miami went missing? They went sailing. They looked for them .. Maybe. They just sent somebody at the edge of the beach. “I don’t– “I don’t see ’em. “We have to call off the search “’cause there’s too much sun. “Uh, this sun, “the conditions abnormally diffucult… ” if I go sailing, I’m taking a white baby on a key chain with me. Ha ha! If my boat go down, they gon’ find me. I’ma have it hooked right to the side of my belt. And I’ma dress the baby real white too. I’ma, uh, put sweatpants on it and a pair of Ugg boots, and I’ma take a picture. Look at this white baby. You don’t come get me, this white baby goin’ down with me.

I hate how much fun black people can have racially, man. It’s just– I can say anything I goddamn want, racially. And white people have to sit there and take it. “Yeah, oh, I’m evil yes” see, it’s like, come on, man. Let’s be fair. I mean– [sighs] I’d like to talk to the white people about being honest about, uh, Obama. You gave it a shot. You did. You gave it a two-year shot. Like, “oh, yeah, I tried. I tried to– we tried to–”
[…] I’m mad at him ’cause I thought I would have a white slave by now. I thought– I thought it was vengeance day. Thought I’d have me a white family. Big ol’ fat white girl gon’ warm my bed up. “Get upstairs, Susan. “Warm my bed up. “Feed my baby with your giant white titties. “And I’m gonna go outside “and stare your husband in the face and decide whether I’ma gonna sell him or not”, “now, you know your wife’s upstairs, “warmin’ up my bed. You know that, right? ” that’s uncomfortable, ain’t it? That’s uncom– that’s uncomfortable. I apologize. That’s uncomfortable.

[cheers and applause] – I’M OLD AS A [bleep]. I’m old. Like, I can’t type. But I didn’t realize how important typing was till right now. I [bleep]ED UP All my good typing years calling people gay who was going to typing class. It was, like, me and six other dudes, like, “what you doing, typ– “you wanna be a secretary? What the–? “WHAT KINDA [bleep]? “Man, man, come on, man. ” we used to go steal bread and lunch meat from the supermarket and make sandwiches and sell ’em during typing class. And now I can’t type. If you can’t type and you try to be in a world with people who can, you–you– you feel irrelevant. You stop, you know? You say hello to some woman on the internet. ” and she come back with the seven-page memo. Like, “hello,” whap! You be like, really? For real? All those words? ” and I yelled it, evidently. I–in big letters, it was saying hello. Really? seriously? You think I said, “hello! hiiii, bitch! ” is that what you think I did, for real? Yeah, really? Can’t spell. Like, I can’t spell– if I had to spell “restaurant,” to this day, right, to save my mama’s life, .. Like if somebody held my mama hostage and had a gun to her head, right? And says, “[bleep], SPELL RESTAURANT. “Man, I will– I’ma shoot your mother ” I’d be like–i would look at my mother like, “uh, I love you. You better look ” ” “understand that I– I love you ” “STOP STALLIN’, [bleep]!” “Okay, all right, all right. ” all right, all right, all right, all right. .. Oh, my god. Here’s where it gets– oh, Jesus Christ. .. There’s a ooh– it’s a ooh–uh– rest-ooh. Stoooooh-rant. Rah-went. R-rrrruant. ” .. “A’ight, gimme another– “gimme another word, man. “Gimme another word, one more word. “Just give my mother a chance to live. “‘Tomorrow’? [mumbling] “Probably”? God da– “banana”? A’ight, banana, banana. B-a-n– b-a-n-n– a-n-n-n– is it–ain’t there, like, SEVEN “N”s IN “BANANA”? .. … A-a-n-a? N-a?

I’m, uh, irrelevant, you know. You a football fan? All your– your whole life? You notice how football’s wack now? Things are changing. It seems like– look, this–this may be old thinking, okay? Now, when I came up– you a football fan? No? That’s a–like– he’s not. Like, what dude, like– that shocked me. Like, dudes are football fans. [effeminate voice] “Oh, I don’t. ” like– like– .. It’s not like the game it– when I came up, dude, football was a gla– it was gladiators. It was angry. It was angry. It was just– like, when we hit somebody, when I played, if you hit somebody and he didn’t get up, like, we didn’t hold hands with the– with the other team and pray. Like, hold hands and all– everyone prays for him to get up. We used to do a Indian, like, sell a hump dance circle around him, like, “man, look at you. ” [barking] I be like– and our crowd’s like, ♪ he’s para-lyzed ♪ that’s right. [barking] We be lookin’ for his mother crying, be like, “that’s right, lady. “That’s what you get for lettin’ him out here “with killers. “He can’t even wiggle his toes. “Take his socks. ” and we would tie his socks around our helmet for the next week’s– like, the next team. They knew, “awww, that’s the team “that be tyin’ PARALYZED [bleep] SOCKS Around they helmets ” and then– .. We were thinking about harming somebo– it’s just, that’s what we did. C – ladies, let’s discuss. I mean, look. .. For a second. .. .. Sometimes? Sometimes. I can never harass you? Never? And I’m not talkin’ about– [growls] Arrrgh! Ooga-booga! .. At the job. It’s unfair that I can’t harass you at the workplace. Like– you lookin’ how you lookin’, and I can’t just– a little somethin’ that has to do– like, you gotta be careful just to say, “hey, you look ” that’s how messed up the game is. I think you should be able to comment on any part of the body that you see. If you– I’m serious. What’s your name? What’s your name? Jeannie. Now, Jeannie, no disrespect. But if I work with you, I should be able to walk in and go, “oh, Jeannie, beautiful, uh, titty meat ” and– ’cause I see that. But whatever the scientific term is– f– 9 grade point average, what’s the– what’s the science term for, uh, t–the titty meat? What’s the actual– and it’s not the cleavage. I mean, the cleavage is the space in the middle. I’m talking ’bout the meat. The meat, the titty part. And I’m not bein’ foul. Just, you know, whoa. You know what I’m saying? Just so I can go through the rest of the day .. That I don’t see what–what you– you–you understand what I’m saying? I mean, let’s work out a deal. Don’t get me f-fired. Having women work with men, right, is like having a grizzly bear .. Dipped in honey. Like, so– now, you dip the salmon in the honey, right? Grizzly bears– and the salmon get to walk through, comfortable, with honey and fish, and, “good morning, ” [grunts] And the grizzly bears is like, ” it ain’t even– he can’t even growl. Like, “raawwwrr, ” [growls] “Oh, my god, human resources. The grizzly bear just did ” so– so– like, I can’t even go, “hey, good morning. “Good morning, fish. Good morning. ” I can’t touch you. Like, “ohhh, look at that. “Ooh, I’ma just get a little bit of that fish “for a little bit. “Lemme get that honey. “Oh, my god, mmm. “Fish and honey, man. “That’s my favorite. “Usually I kill fish and eat ’em and stuff, “but I just wanted to just rub that– “rub a little bit of that. “Mm. ” that’s oppressive. Like, you shouldn’t even– and there’s cameras everywhere. You can’t do, like, weird stuff .. Why would it be disrespectful if I said– what’s your name? Tyrelle. If I go, “hey, Tyrelle–” we work together. And I go, “Tyrelle, hey, do me a favor. “Let me know when you gettin’ up “to go to the bathroom ” that’s disrespectful because it’s sexual. But that keeps me from being– like, I think–look. I think there should be a holiday, for lack of a better word, harassment day. But not– that sounds whatever. But I mean a day .. Find out–like, because– and this is why it should be harassment day, because women get to be inappropriate sexually all the time. You get to be inappropriate. And when I say inappropriate, I mean say hello to me too close. ” mmm-meh. Or some weird massage ’cause you think we’re friends, and you– “good morning,” a little kiss, and he’s just like, “ohhh. “Oh, boy, oh, boy. ” and you think in your head, man, “i wonder if i– I wonder if i, you know–” but harassment day allows you to be able to ask. All year– I say the Tuesday before thanksgiving. And it’s– and it’s a beautiful day. Flowers and everything. You buy her flowers. You just real cool. You walk up. You’re respectful. You say, ” you know, good afternoon to her, happy harassment day. And you just, like, say, “listen, I was wondering all year IF YOU WOULD SUCK MY [bleep] ” and you just be like, “no, thank you, I’m not–” and you’d be like, “I’m–thank you. “Keep the flowers. I just thought– “i made a mistake. “I thought you was a ho all year. “I was confused. I thought you was a ho, ” [cheers and applause] – Let me say this, man. I-I’m a what they c– I don’t know what the term is for, uh, extreme animal lover. Like, i-i get sick when I see animals suffering. And I know that’s contrary to popular belief somehow. Somehow it spread out that black people, we– that we hate animals. Like, we can’t stand dogs and cats. And i-i don’t get it. That’s the news doing that, ’cause they only show dudes that hate dogs. Like when the vick stuff was happening. “What do you think ” they just show– every dude they show is like, “mm, dogs? MAN, [bleep] DOGS. “I don’t– “I’ll drown a dog in a bucket right now. “Gimme a dog. “Where’s a mo– where’s a dog at? “I’ll kill him. I hate dogs. ” and then they’ll show a white woman, like, tongue-kissing a dog .. Just to prove white people love dogs. And then they go back to him, and he’s mad, like, “look at this dirty white bitch, “tongue-kissing devil. “Devil bitch tongue-kissing a-a jackal “in the mouth. ” and then she’s, like, shining, like– there’s some weird war. They always want black people and white people to be at war, man, for some reason. How can you hate a– I don’t– people who hate animals– like, i-i don’t– ” but it–it would be hard. It takes away a piece of how close we might– if you go, ” like, somebody look at a baby seal and go, “oh, I can’t wait TO HIT THIS MOTHER[bleep] ” “[bleep] HATE BABY SEALS. “All cute. WHAT THE [bleep] ” like– you ever see them sad animal commercials that come on, like, during– 00 in the morning duringthree’s companyreruns? And they catch you out of nowhere. You be watching three’s company. And then, [high-pitched voice] ♪ Ooh hooo ♪ like– and they’ll show– like, it’ll be a kitten and they slow motion the kitten up, and the kitten– ♪ ooh hoo-oo-oo ♪ and it’s a– kitten got a pencil in his head. Like, somebody stuck a pencil in his face. ♪ There’s a pencil ♪ ♪ sticking out of his ♪ ♪ fa-a-a-a-ce ♪ then they put fun facts. “15,000 Kittens are stabbed in the head ” you be like, “who is stabbing kittens “in the face with pencils? ” ♪ it’s a pencil ♪ ♪ sticking out of his ♪ ♪ fa-a-a-a-ce ♪ then they’ll show a bunch of puppies shoved in a container or a cup. ♪ Puppies in a cup ♪ ♪ missin’ their feet ♪ ♪ it’s wro-o-o-o-ng ♪ ” “i’m here to say [bleep] PROBABLY DID IT.” [bleep] YOU, BITCH, Jackal-kissing ho! That’s your woman, bro? How long you guys been together? Ten years? wow. Good, good. How long? 2 1/2, 3 Years? Y’all goin’– y’all goin’ raw? You stick it in raw? You do? You put it in raw? Yeah, you put it in raw? Look-it, she punched him. You know what? Let me explain, she just hit him in his arm. I’ma explain something to you. The quicker that a man goes raw, it makes him look like, you know, “go ahead, pimp. ” the quicker the woman goes raw, it makes you look– yeah, loose. .. ‘Cause safe sex is .. ‘Cause men are trying to do it the first second we meet. Look, my protection is just, I do this. .. [laughs] ” “please don’t let me ” .. Responsibility. Yep. When did y’all decide to do it? How long did it take, bro? How long did it take? – A while. – It took a while? What’s a while? What’s a while to you? Hey, did you do the old bagless trick, where you would just slowly, like, just try to put it in .. And you just, hopefully– she stop you? That old trick? .. “All right, it’s getting close, .. I ain’t got nothin’ ” and then it start getting real close. You be like, “no, she gonna let me– “ohh! ” [screams] “We both gonna die. ” “oh, we gonna die! ” [screams] But we won’t stop, though. “Aw, come on! ” [laughing] And I can’t use no condom no more. It’s over– condom days. I probably put a trash bag on my shit. It just– ♪ wah wah ♪ like the “wah-wah” music? ♪ Wah-wah ♪ it’s just dead. I have to see if my balls can fit in there too. Like, “all right, ” “they both in there soft, “BUT IT’S BALLS AND [bleep] Is in there. “You okay? How’s that feel? Filled up? ” I’ma do–I’ma show you something, ladies, right? I’ma show you something. Here’s why you should be responsible for safe sex. All right, how many guys in here, honestly, have used a dental dam before? [pop pop pop] [pop pop pop] [pop pop pop pop pop pop pop] Do you know what a dental dam is? no one’s ever used one before, huh? See? See what I’m saying? You see what I’m saying about the condoms? Y’all just like, “put that condom on,” but, you know, the dental dam is a piece of a trash bag, right? About as big as a napkin that you flip out, and you lay it .. Just in case, you know, .. To protect us from imminent danger, but we don’t use it ’cause you’ll be insulted. If I’m getting ready to have sex with you, and I pull out .. And you go, ” “oh, I’m just gonna lay that over your vagina, ” “I’m sorry, ” and we see that face? “Nothin’, forget it. “Don’t even–pretend you didn’t see that. “I’d rather die than to “insult my way OUT OF SOME [bleep]. I’d rather just get ” [ Male Announcer ] The inspiration for its shape was an archer drawing his bow. ♪ ♪ could that have also inspired its 556 horsepower supercharged engine? ♪ ♪ the all-new cadillac cts-v coupe. We don’t just make luxury cars, we make cadillacs. – If you want to understand men, ladies, look, I’m here for you. I’m just telling you what we are. What we are, you know, not who we are. What we are. Just like what we are that makes us struggle. And, really, men are perfect creatures, except for, you know, .. Like, if most women would want to be a man if you didn’t have to give up that power that you have, which is our weakness. That’s our weakness. It’s very difficult. I’m telling you, man. Like, I don’t want to want to be with other women ever. Like, I want to just walk down the street and go, “i never need to look at another woman again, ’cause I’m with the last woman ” .. But it ain’t real. .. Like, no guy wants to cheat and hurt his woman, man. That hurts. First of all, think about what cheating is for a second, ladies. Cheating is a man, he sneaks out of his own house to go, like, find some happiness behind your back so your feelings aren’t hurt. Cheating is for you. .. It’s not for me. We don’t want to hurt you. If you gave a lie detector test to a man and a woman and asked them the same questions, man, we would pass them both up to a point where it’s like, hey, ask a woman, “you love your man? You love your family? You love your home? ” ” “all right, you see Brad Pitt or Denzel Washington “or whatever standing there, “would you risk everything you built with your man ” and women, look, they’ll go ” and they’ll pass the test. They’ll be like, “eh, you know, “they look good, ” ask guys the same thing, you know, boom, love your woman, the kids, the hou– ” “all right, you– you see that girl passed out ” “would you risk everything for a passed-out woman ” “i don’t want to, but look at her with garbage on–she looks ” .. I’m trying to, like, make it so women just, like, understand a little bit, like, just to sympathize. It’s like we’re like sport fishermen. This is what I’m sayin’. Men like to fish. And sport fishing is different from catching fish for food. You just get it– you get it, you catch it, .. .. ‘Cause you want them to know that you can catch fish. You take a couple of pictures so you can show people the fish that you have the ability to catch, and then you release it back into the water. But a lot of women in here, you have boyfriends or husbands, you were fish that jumped .. And just was, like, flapping, .. “Hi. “I was wondering if you’re gonna be fishing here again ..” “yeah, for other fish. ” “is that how you treat ” you be like, “oh, god damn. “No, I’m sorry, sweetie, you’re the last fish ” now you’re stuck. Stuck with the last fish, who was loving you and fighting hard to be on your boat. Then she got comfortable. And now, instead of doing this, .. “We’ve been together for, like, a year now. Why do you still ” .. “So what you trying to say, ” “why do you need ” “because if I lose my ability to catch fish, “then you not gonna find me sexy no more, “so you gotta smell fish on me “so that you know I can catch fish ” that’s like, guys, you meet your girl, she was a ho. Like, had ho– like she, big ol’ booty and this and that. You gotta let her do that. Don’t start trying to frump her up and get her fat and get her foul, ’cause that’s why you like her. I don’t want no woman that no other guy’s TRYING TO [bleep]. I don’t want a woman that I can send to the store 00 in the morning, ’cause nobody’s gonna try to rape her. Like, I go, “go get some bread at 3:00 in the morning. “Hey, cut through ..” “girl, I talked to the junkies. They don’t want it. ” [cheers and applause] – And I’m just–look, to be fair to women, um, .. Look, god has been very cruel to you. Being a woman, as a creature, I think it’s just unfair. I wouldn’t want to be a woman. .. I mean, like, your period, like, I look at that and– and see what my woman go through every month. Like, if my nose bled every month, I think I would kill myself. I would be like, ” you gotta stick something in your nose with a string hanging out. Gotta take that out, what, every seven seconds or whatever. And five days before your nose bleeds, you know it’s gonna bleed, but you don’t know when, so you just sittin’ there like, “when is my nose “going to start bleeding? ” and then if your nose don’t bleed when it’s supposed to, you’re like, “oh, my god! “My nose is supposed ” [crying] “I’ma go to the hospital ” and y’all get horny .. My woman gets horny on her– oh, my god. And I ain’t down with that. And I see her face, like if I would do it one time, it probably would change her life, like she would be just so grateful, but I just can’t. She’s like, “come on. “You know, come on. .. Just lay a–come on, ” and I was gonna do it one time, but then I googled the whole cycle. There’s all kind of stuff .. I sharpened a mop stick. Every month, I just poke her, I go, “yah! get back! “Yah! back! Get in the closet! ” slide her some raw meat under the door. “Eat that for a week! ” it’s shocking. Like, I know, look, like I said, I’m 40. .. I can feel my sex drive, right? I still love women, but I don’t feel like– I don’t feel like having sex like that. But I still love ” but here’s what god did for men. He turned my horniness into creepiness. .. I can have a good time sitting at the mall watching chicks tryin’ on sneakers at the foot locker, .. Mmm! I’m good for the day. But women, you don’t get creepy. You get hornier as you get older. It’s weird, you want to do all your sexin’ between the ages of 30 and 50. That’s when you want it. But here’s how sad things are. The value of vagina’s only good from 18 to 29. [bleep] GET OLD LIKE BREAD, it– I don’t want the waiter to bring ME A VINTAGE GLASS OF [bleep]. He’d be like, “would you like a “’52 le stinky vaginey ” you’d be like, “ugh! “[bleep], YOU AIN’T GOT A better year than that? ..” [laughs] “Got a ’89 down there? Give me a ’89. “I don’t care what it is. ” – I’m not saying you not sexy if you– if you 40 or whatever. I’m not– you’re beautiful, whatever. I’m just saying .. 20 20 Who’s 20 down here? How old are you? Older than 20? I hear it in your voice. You sound like you chew cigarettes. .. As cute as you are, you can hear it. [gravelly] ” ’cause women who are not 20– did you see what happened? She raised her hand fast. [high-pitched] “20! YAY!” [gravelly] ..” ” but that’s the difference. Difference between 40-year-old cooch and 20, it’s the amount of time I wait. that’s it. 20, I wait forever. Just wait in the corner, like, “oh, it’s gonna happen. I am going to wait ” 40, i– a date. Two dates. Two dates, and then you gotta start rollin’ .. From where it is, pulled up to the bra. I’m not saying you’re not sexy if you’re 40– I’m just saying, it’s the time, that’s it. Like, I want it now. If I’m willing to eat some stale cracker jacks, I’ll eat some stale cracker jacks, but I want ’em right now. If I say, “hand me them stale cracker jacks right there,” and you go, “come and get ’em,” I’ll be like, “just throw ’em on the floor. “They old. The box is open. “There’s no prize in it. ” “one peanut? ” making me crawl around for old cracker jacks. And you will laugh at that, ladies, if– it’s just not fun for you. Nothing’s fun. Sex isn’t fun. Sex is so much fun for dudes, ’cause we got a money shot. You don’t understand what it’s like to see– the–the–feeling. Like, we both have orgasms. Uhh! uhh! But men have a receipt. .. We see it, and it’s a payoff. You be like, “I am satisfied, ’cause that’s what it is. ” you don’t think you’d be happier, ladies, if you could just have a– if you could just shoot a couple of eggs in a guy’s face? — right on top of his forehead? You wouldn’t be happier? Get on–fff! unh! And he’s just sitting there. ” and you go, “aw, that felt good! Go in the bathroom ” he’s walking .. [spits] ” wiping his eyes.

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